5 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Your Marriage: Ted Lowe

Okay, let me ask you something. I'm a little scared.

I don't know what you're going to ask. Do you feel like you've ever sabotaged our marriage? Oh my goodness. My first thought is I've sabotaged it countless times every year. Really? Oh, and things I've said or done.

I mean, 42, now 43 years. Yeah, I think I've sabotaged in many ways. But I think you've sabotaged it more than I have. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today.

I honestly think, man, if I had done better in year one and year five and ten, we could be. But here's the thing. I also, when I say that out loud, feel like the grace of God has been so good. Here we are sitting and I look at you and I love you more than I ever have. And the good news is we've learned the hard way in so many different ways that we can maybe help other people not sabotage their marriage the way we have.

Yeah, so today we're going to talk about five ways to stop sabotaging your marriage. And we've got the guy to do it. Ted Lowe is back in the studio with us. We're so excited, Ted, you're here. Hey guys, I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me. And you're over there thinking, what in the world are we really going to talk about?

No, I kind of love it. Like watching you guys talk to each other like this is super refreshing. It's not like what I experience on a regular basis.

Well done. I watch people like in the airport and stuff when I travel and that was very impressive compared to what I see in the airport. The airports are a little scary, aren't they?

They're terrifying. Or vacations. Never are people the meaner than the happiest place on earth, right? Oh yeah, the money thing. Anyway, we're not going to go there. We're not going to talk about that. We're going to talk about, you know, we all do this. We sabotage. We make mistakes. We say things.

We do things that really kill romance, kill our marriage. Well, let's say this, Ted. Let's like legitimize who you are and what you do because you do some pretty cool stuff in marriage. Can we legitimize you? Is that a word? I like, I like that.

I'd probably need a little legitimizing. I mean, how many years you've been doing marriage ministry? Since 2001. So how many is that? Hmm. That's 23 years. Depending on when you're listening to it. Yeah, 23.

How do you like that math? That's good. Yeah, since 2001. Been married since 1995.

Been doing marriage ministry since 2001. And four kids. Four kids. Oldest is? 23.

Youngest is 13. Wow. Tell us a little bit what you've done over the years. Yeah, so I started in marriage space when I was hired as the director of married life at our church. We'd been married six years at the time and we weren't even that great at it. But I was creative, so I think they were like, hey, he'll figure it out.

If nothing else, I wasn't enthusiastic. So we started then, we created marriage events once a quarter at our church, sometimes six times a year. So that was a lot of fun. And then I started a thing called marriedpeople.org where we created resources for churches. In the middle of that is speaking and writing. And I've just started with an organization called Family First, which helps families to love well.

So a little bit of speaking, writing, the fun stuff. So you are the guy to tell us how to stop sabotaging our marriage. And we've interviewed you before on your book called Us in Mind.

So maybe you've heard some of this, but I think these are going to be really good. Yeah. One of the things you mentioned in Us in Mind, how changing your thoughts can change your marriage is five intentional thoughts. So I'm guessing you would say, and I agree that these will, if you do these, you'll stop doing these.

Because like the first one, remember who I am. I think we often do the opposite. We don't know who we are and that destroys a marriage.

How does that destroy a marriage? Yeah. Like we talked about the last time I was with you guys, it's, you know, our thoughts, you know, they're not our actions or attitudes. I know I sound repetitive, but our thoughts are not our actions or attitudes, but they lead to both. And what I've found after doing this for a really long time and didn't even really do the math on it until a couple of years ago is most of us aren't thinking about what we're thinking about. We just trust our thoughts as if they're going to always lead us in the right direction and as if they're always true and as if they're always helpful and as if they're always kind.

And so the book kind of revolves around that. It revolves around, okay, how do we become more intentional with our thoughts? How do we, you know, boss our thoughts instead of our thoughts bossing us? And so the first one was, you know, to remember who I am.

You know, I think one of the things that's been the most powerful for me personally and ultimately for my marriage is remembering whose I am. You know, I just struggled with what I called Fred in my head, right, for so long. And it just was hearing Fred's voice and her critic, whatever you want to call him, way louder than the voice of God.

It was determining a lot of things. And God was kind and his grace was there and he would come in at the right times and demand to speak louder than Fred. But Fred was for sure and still can be part of my journey where he's not telling me the truth. And so I just want to encourage people to, you know, remember who you are, remember whose you are. I mean, I think we can complicate Jesus and God in so many ways, but just to go back constantly that we are his child, that we are his. I feel like there's been a few times I feel like God has whispered things to me, not audibly, but just on my heart says, you'll become a man in your world as you become a child of mine.

And so, you know, kids are always looking for approval, looking for worth, looking for value. But I feel like when I remember who I am, I'm already a man here, but I just, you know, when you're his child and you lean back and you trust him to be him and you to be you and he's way bigger than us. And that's really, really good news. And he adores us, right?

And we listen to critical thoughts or Fred more than him. And I think it breaks his heart. The thought I've had before too, it'd be like our kids coming home and telling us what a bully had said to them all day. And then looking at us and going, hey, you know, all the things you've told me my whole life, I believe the bully more than you. That would break our hearts. So I know it's got to break the heart of God when he said, oh, why don't they listen to how much I love them?

And so just the simplicity of that is somebody going, oh, I am so loved I can breathe. There was a girl that I worked with. She came to my house. She had tried to commit suicide three times. And it was after her freshman year of college where she had an injury and she couldn't play soccer anymore.

And so she couldn't perform at the level that she once performed. And so she sat down on my couch and I asked her, who are you? And she said, I'm a soccer player. I said, that's what you do, but who are you?

And she said, I have no idea. If I can't do that anymore, I don't know who I am. And so I shared the gospel because that's what gives us our worth of what Jesus did for us. She ended up a few weeks later, she gave her life to Jesus. And here's what we think when we do that, like now I'm free.

I can live in this. But for years she had been believing the fret in her head. And so it takes practice. What I saw was that I went to this conference with her and she's amazing. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's funny.

She adds so much to every group she's with. But as we're in this group, all of a sudden she's with us in physical form, but her mind is gone. And I remember pulling her aside and I said, where are you?

She said, I don't belong here. I don't, I'm not good enough to be with these people. They don't understand who I am and what I've done.

And that's what you're saying. I felt like, and I said, I remember lifting your head and I said, Jesus knows who you are. He knows that you're here. He loves you. This is who you are.

You're a daughter of the King. The Holy Spirit lives. The God who created the universe lives in you. And we need the fullness of who you are. Like I need the fullness of who you are. And I love, that's what you're saying, Ted.

Like if we don't know that, we become lost in ourselves. I didn't know this show had music. It just comes in out of nowhere. It just, it's kind of amazing, isn't it?

I know you've heard this. I'm not really sure what's happening, but I'm sort of loving it. It's exciting, isn't it? It is.

Are you guys breaking in puppy snacks? Like I don't think I could be any happier than I am in this moment. Everything's better with music behind it, right? No, I mean, this is a chorus we've all probably heard that came out years ago.

And, you know, at church I'd play bass. I didn't usually sing, but when the singer would sing this lyric, I thought I would tear up because it's our identity. It's what you're saying. You know what it is. I'm no longer a slave with you. I am a child of God.

I mean, it's a simple phrase. And yet, you know, I don't know if you remember the bridge. I am surrounded by the arms of the Father. I am surrounded by songs of deliverance. I mean, you can go on. The reason I would tear up is like something in my soul is saying that's who I am.

That's who we are. And that, when you bring into marriage, you're right. That's not going to sabotage the marriage.

That's going to build. Well, that song is based off the verse that chapter is based off of. The spirit I gave you is not that of a slave that lives in fear. Like that spirit, that first part of that verse is dominant frame of mind.

Because the Lord kept putting that verse on my heart. I kept going, God, that doesn't have anything to do with thinking. Thanks for the prompts, but this has nothing to do with thinking. So I was like, okay. I looked up and it was like, it's dominant frame of mind. The dominant frame of mind I've given you is not that of a slave that lives in fear. That's good.

How great is that? The Spirit, capital S. The Holy Spirit. It's brought about your adoption unto sonship. And you know, it comes from Romans, and there's nowhere in the Old Testament that talks about adoption. It was a Roman concept. And so what Romans knew, which is his audience, was that when you're adopted, you get everything that comes with that.

There's no exceptions. You're not second class. You have been adopted into our family.

And so he said, hey, don't, you're safe. You're adopted. Like I'm doing all the dad stuff. I remember I'd say to our kids when they were little, that's a big people problem. You don't have to worry about that. You go be a kid. That's a big people problem. I got this. Especially our daughter.

She was anxious. No, no. And I think sometimes, no, no, no, Ted, this is a God problem. This is not for you.

You just go, you feel loved and live loved. That's good. Yeah, that's good stuff.

So that's just one. That's a good one. Because when we remember who we are, we bring the best of ourselves to the table with our kids in our marriage. And number two, if you want to sabotage your marriage or your family, see the worst.

You say, see the best. Yeah. It's something that happy couples do. And I don't know if they do it because they learned it.

I don't know if it's because their brains are naturally wired that way, but they see the best in their spouse. But I do believe that we can all learn it and start to see it. Philippians 4, it gives us a really great filter of thinking, you know, whatever's true, whatever's noble, whatever's pure, whatever's right, whatever's lovely. If anything is praise worthy, anything. Some people, we got to start there. Is there anything?

Because people will say to me, there's nothing. Oh yeah, that's what I hear. Oh yeah. Especially when they're and they're fired up about, no, no, that does not work.

That works for everybody on the planet but me. And I get it. But again, verse starts with true and you can deal with some really hard things with it's true. And then you know what you're dealing with because you're starting with truth and not denial. Okay.

What is true about our situation? What's true about them? But just see the best. You know, couples that are happy. There's one study, brain scan study. It was couples it was couples had a part of their brain that was sponsored for the area called positive illusion. And again, it's the ability to focus on what you do love about your spouse and not focus on what you don't.

They just had that. Now what I'll say to couples, let what you love about your spouse block the view of what you don't. Like start there. Like what is you, and if you want to come back to those things, great. But what do you love about them? Because you love something about them at some point. Like, and what's so, when you watch a couple, they're really frustrated sitting across from me and when I can't get anywhere with them, I'll say, so wow, you guys, boy, this is, this is tough.

Like what, how'd you get together? Their body language will change. They'll start focusing and they just, they did see the best in each other and the way they treated each other was so great. We get so, you know, life is hard. It gets going fast and we stop seeing the things.

We start going. We're just thinking our spouse becomes, you know, a hindrance to getting away of getting the things we got to get done, done. And we start comparing our life compared to their life, thinking that we are doing so much more. 100%. The number one time couples are fighting is when they reconnect at the end of the day.

And I think part of that is they come in and they compare. Oh my day. Oh my day.

Oh, you think your day was tough? You know, I worked for an organization for a while. I would actually go in and speak a couple of times a year. Organization that worked with, with couples who had children that were on autism spectrum and they would come in and I would watch and I would see like some of them, all the things they were dealing with actually drew them together and others, it had totally pushed them apart. I think the divorce rate is, is pretty staggering. And I'd done this retreat about 10 times and I'm driving home and I'm like, what is the difference between these two couples? Like what is the difference when it's pulling them together where they're, they're all sitting on like this sectional couch and then they, they'd be, they couldn't even get close enough to each other. And the other one's like, they wanted to sit in the other room. And it hit me.

It's really a mindset of when they're reentering the home because they would fight like, and they had pretty similar things, struggles. And it would be like, Hey, I'm going to honor everything you've done today. Like you've been home. You've been with our kid all day. You've been researching all the treatments.

You've been researching all the therapies. I'm going to honor that. The other one, Hey, I'm going to honor the fact that you are out trying to make the finances to make that happen because insurance is not great in this regard. So it was like, I'm going to honor what you're doing instead of compare.

I'm going to carry each other's burdens. There was this one lady, it was such a great example of this. She said that when her two kids that were both on the spectrum, they would, she said be home and their days were really, really tough. And she said she would hear the garage door go open and the kids and the kids would, and dad would come in and they would race to dad and wrestle with dad. And she's like, I couldn't get a hug out of him here.

He's been gone all day and they want to wrestle with him. And she said, it made me so angry. She goes, I was mad at all three of them. And then she said, what day? She said, you know what?

I'm going to join in. And she said, she just ran and just dove on top of them and she became a part of it, but it was just a mindset shift. It was something that was hurting her. And I could, it's totally understandable. I mean, of course that would break your heart. Of course it would. Of course it's not logical.

It doesn't make any sense. But she changed her mindset and that was the difference. It was a mindset shift to see the best in them. Cause usually when we'll pull back, especially if somebody's listening right now, hopefully they're not in the middle of a fight. So their, their brains are kind of cool and calm. You can go, okay, let me just consider that for a minute.

What's, what do I love about them? Yeah. Put it, put in your phone. Like I'd put it in the notes and then even send it to you like, Hey, thanks for these things. Yeah. Why don't you do that? That'd be great. I'm going to do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's always a new day. And the truth is, like you said, it's intentional because if you don't do it intentionally, you'll default to the negative. You'll see the worst. I mean, when Anne and I were dating and engaged, she could list all my great qualities.

He's this, this, this. Six months later, she yells at me, marrying you is the biggest mistake of my life. She said that.

There's not one thing I even like about it. Yeah. She saw all the negative and it was all there. And so to flip that, cause I think we default to the negative. We drive by a car wreck and we all want to watch it rather than it's the same thing in our marriages. We want to see the worst rather than saying what you just said. No, I want to default to, I want to see the positive. It's there, but I have to choose it. Okay.

We need to move because we've got three more to go. Number three, intentional thought to build your marriage is choose empathy. I guess to sabotage it is stop choosing what, negativity? I think it's when you anger, try to fix them.

Yeah. Cause a lot of times we try to fix our spouse's emotions is because we don't like their emotions or they're inconvenient. We go, Oh, here we go again. And we don't like that.

It just doesn't make any sense to us. Or we see when someone's emotional, they're not usually, but can be talking irrationally or logical, you know, maximizing statements, you know, about things. And we want to fix that.

Both men and women do it. Guys are more classic about, let me just fix this. My wife told me one time after a series of this not going well and me not being empathetic, she goes, I don't want you to fix this. I want you to feel this. And it's so much easier just to feel it just to sit there and to look with, you know, with a genuine look on her face, on my face that mimics, not mocks that look on her and just, I'm so sorry.

This seems, this is hard. And she's the same way. Say things like, that's understandable.

If I were you, I feel the same way or just God, this is, I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible. That sounds so tough.

I'm so sorry. Like she used to go away with her girlfriend. So she still does once a year, the four of them will go on a trip.

She had the same ladies and they've done it for years. And she comes back and she'll talk about, they share X, Y, Z. And I go, well, what did they say about it? Nothing. I'm like, well, why don't you talk about it? For years I didn't get it. Oh, she loves that trip because they're so empathetic and they don't try to fix each other.

So yeah, don't try to fix it. And that's for men and women, you know, and that's the good stuff. Don't try to fix that they love something that you don't. Like if your spouse, I'll see this, the holidays, you got one that loves to decorate and get everything.

Oh, I can tell immediately. And buy presents. And buy presents. Too many presents. Too many presents. Doesn't stay within budget. And then you got.

Am I supposed to feel that or fix that? Well, I don't know. I'm not going to go that deep with it, but it is, it is the thing of there's typically one that loves all that and the other one's like, are you got to be kidding me again? Why? I mean, why do we need multiple trees?

Our house has multiple trees. I don't get it. Why do you need more than one gift? And then I'm going to have some questions, but it makes her so happy.

We've heard it said, how do they say that? Meet emotion with emotion and meet logic with logic. So if your spouse comes to you with an emotional issue, feel it. Don't fix it.

She comes to you with a logical issue and it might be a time to say, okay, let's talk. Right. I mean, just, I would say if you're giving homework for people, just say that's understandable about three or four times this week and watch the look on their face. That's understandable. That's understandable. Yeah.

And sincere. No sarcasm. I have to get to sarcasm.

Okay. What's number four, guys? Number four, the way to sabotage your marriage would be react. The way to save your marriage is pause and respond. Is that a good way to say it? Well, and this is one of the things I learned on the research and I thought, oh, this is why me included, people who want to be great spouses find themselves saying and doing again, that thing they swore they'd never say and do again, or react in that way that in their more logical moments, they'd go, I don't want to react that way. So people can, you'll respond in a way and they're so bewildered afterwards. And I can't believe that I've done that again.

And the research is really clear. When your spouse triggers you, it triggers the same part of your brain called the amygdala that if you were to accidentally put your hand on a hot stove, you'd immediately jerk it away. If you were to step in the street for just a second and you hear something come, you're going to jerk back and there's no thinking about it. It's reacting. At the same time, your frontal lobe is going a little bit out to lunch, which is where all your logic is. So it's great. The amygdala is great.

We better be glad we have it because it does so many things. When it comes to marriage, the amygdala is too efficient. And so you react and people react in different ways, but you react and you forget what you want for your marriage. So for if you're a reactor, if you can, you know, we've all heard fight, flight or freeze, you know, if you're triggered, you step toward the tension. Oh, this is me. You want to go? Oh, and if you're married to somebody you want to go, they go, hey, I need a minute. Oh, no, we're taking care of this right now. I have no logic. Don't avoid this. Yeah, you're avoiding. We're going to air this out and we're going to air it out now.

Yes. So what I love about what I've always done is scripture and science are not in conflict with each other at all. They just illuminate each other, even the neuroscience coming up. So way long before I get geeked out on neuroscience, scripture was very clear. So what do you do that your brain goes out to lunch and you're reacting?

James 1 19 and 20. You need to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become. Look that word become angry. And so for me, I'd say I had ADHD long before it's cool to have it. And we've been sharing stories about losing things. That's part of it. So I think for us, impulse control is a thing of ADHD. And I'm not teasing about that. I know people tease about that.

No clinically diagnosed. You are this Ted. There's impulse. And so I'm going, if I can learn this and I'm always perfect by any means anybody can. So if you can start getting into the rhythm of when you get triggered, just don't talk at first. Some people are listening going, oh, I don't talk.

I don't talk for six weeks. I'm not talking about that passive aggressive. I'm talking about, I shouldn't have called somebody passive aggressive.

That's not kind. Okay. I'm talking about that. I'll call you a stuffer that you got files that you'll pull out later, but I'm saying for most of us, we need to take a deep breath and we need to pause and we need to let our frontal lobe, the logical part of our brain catch back up. The part of our brain that remembers what we want for our marriage, that remembers that we don't want to react poorly. And most importantly, remembers who we are. Remember this person in front of us is a child of God that remembers, take a breath and say, I'm going to respond versus react. I say the space between triggered and reactions where relationships are built or broken. That's good.

It's right there in that space that we've got time. So I think for most of us, when we look back on those times where we regret that turned into these nasty arguments, it is because in that triggered moment, we said something we should not have said. And my wife told me one time, she goes, when you're angry, you find your words. When I'm angry, I lose them.

And that's a gift I wish I could return. But what I've learned is I'll just pause and I'll take a breath and don't say anything with anything, not with your body language, your face. I mean, you know, 80% of communication is nonverbal, right?

If not more. So just to take a breath and give it a second to remember how you want to be and how you want to respond. If you just start to listen, be slow to speak, and don't become angry. That's simple and yet hard.

Something that we just need to start practicing. I need that one. All right, last one.

All right. I'm Shelby Abbott. You've been listening to Dave and Anne Wilson with Ted Lowe on Family Life Today. You know, Ted's going to be back in just a second to share with us the fifth way to stop sabotaging your marriage. But first, Ted has written a book called Us in Mind, How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. This book gives you five intentional thoughts that can transform your marriage and you can get a copy of it at familylifetoday.com or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329.

Again, that number is 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today. You know, earlier this week we had on Stephen Viers who talked about how to powerfully impact your community by giving some proven practices for community-based outreach ministry. That book is going to be our gift to you when you partner with us financially at Family Life Today. You can go online to familylifetoday.com or you can give us a call with your donation at 800, F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

And you can feel free to drop us something in the mail too if you'd like. Our address is Family Life 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida, 32832. And I want to ask you to pray for the Weekend to Remember marriage events that are happening starting today through Sunday in Cleveland, Cedar Rapids, Pittsburgh, and Corda Lane. You know, with over 40 Weekend to Remember marriage events happening across this country, it's still happening between fall and spring, and there's still time to find a location near you.

So you can go to weekendtoremember.com, find a location, and sign up for the event with your spouse. Okay, here's Ted Lowe with the fifth way to stop sabotaging your marriage. Love first. That's how you build a marriage. You sabotage by...

I think you sabotage by scanning the relationship for what's fair and whose turn it is. You know, this is like, you know, submit to one another at a reverence for Christ. Everybody goes straight to the love and respect verses, which are great. Back up a few verses. Submit to one another.

You know, submit to... In other words, I'm going to put your needs ahead of my own in this moment. In other words, I'm going to go first. I'm not going to try to figure out whose turn it is.

I'm not going to try to determine who's fair. I'm just going to go ahead and love first. And it really makes sense from a spiritual perspective to say, you know, what do we do with the ultimate act of submission? That's when Jesus looks at Abba and says, if there's any other way, but if not, not my will, but your will. It was the ultimate act of submission that demands a response. And when you're married, it's this constant little reminders of, if he can do that, then I can pick up my daughter when it's not my turn to pick up my daughter. If he can do that, I can be kind when I don't feel like being kind.

If he can do that... And so it's this thing of, I'm going to submit. I'm just going to love first. And people say, oh, I'm afraid I'll get taken advantage of.

You might, but let me ask you something. When somebody loves you that way, is your knee-jerk reaction to take advantage of them? Or I'm going to see how I can leverage this to my benefit? Are you drawn to do the same? And there's no promises, you know. I can't make promises your spouse is not going to keep, but I don't think there's anything to draw your spouse closer to you than when you just go ahead and, I'm just going to go and do this. I'm just going to love this first. And I ask on social media, what's one way that your spouse loves you first? It apparently has a lot to do with coffee and dishwashers.

I don't know what that is about, but it is about coffee and dishwashers for some reason. These have been so good. Yeah, and I can guarantee, I'm making a guarantee. You do these five, you will build a marriage. So let's face it, marriage, sometimes it's just hard and maybe you're in a tough place right now. Well, make sure you join us next week with Jonathan Pacuda, as he talks about conversations on sin and virtue, exploring the concept of sin, the role of pride, and the antidote to it all. He will also be filling you in on our new resource, Art of Marriage, that'll help you enrich your marriage, facilitate meaningful conversations, and help you grow in your relationship with your spouse. You won't want to miss all the details next week, November 1st. It's going to be a night of marriage enrichment that you can register for right now at familylife.com slash coming soon or at the link in our show notes. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.