5 Things to Say to Your Son (and 1 to Stop): Jerrad Lopes

I just think people are willing to give a lot of grace to genuine humility. That's it. And that's spiritual leadership, isn't it?

Just humble men, you know, just be humble. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying. I'm sorry.

I need to get this right. You know, I say that to my six-year-old. One day she's going to come to the decision of, do I want to follow Jesus?

I have sin in my life. And I hope that she says, well, I've seen my daddy repent. I've seen my daddy need a heart change, and so do I.

And that I would model just not, you know, not all the spiritual disciplines, but model for her what it looks like to say, I need Jesus desperately. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. All right, it's Friday five. I like Friday five.

Friday five has become one of my favorite things to do. And today we get to talk about dads and men and five amazing things we're going to talk about. We've got to introduce our guest.

So we've got Jared Lopes from Dad Tired with us again. Welcome back to Family Life Today. Oh, man, it's always good to be with you guys.

Thanks for having me. Now you hear that Friday five, are you like excited or are you scared? Here's what we're doing, Jared. Five surprising things.

Oh, she's actually going to tell you. Well, we didn't really say. I was waiting to introduce the guy. Five surprising things every dad needs to say.

To his kids. So. Are you going to start off to give me an example? I can give you one.

Yeah. You lead us. We're only going to do one and you're going to do four. Oh, no.

Two or three. Well, let me add to we've had Jared on for the last couple of days and it's been really good, Jared. Thank you. Yeah. The book that we've been talking about the last two days with him was it's called The Dad Tired Q&A Mixtape. Yeah. It's great.

And if you haven't listened the last two days, go back and listen. And if you're a man, I would encourage you to jump in the Dad Tired community. How do they do that?

DadTired.com. Yep. Just go there and boom. I remember I did it and I was like, will I get accepted?

Well, because I had to go through some screen process. Yeah. We filled you out.

We saw you coming a mile away. By the way, if you don't know Jared's marriage, how many years? 13? Oh, man. Yeah. 13 years. Thank you for saving me for not answering fast enough there. Yeah.

13 years, four kids. Yeah. And you're a dad tired. Yeah.

No question. And so hopefully you've got five surprising or just a couple. Here's the one I thought of, and it comes from one of my sons saying this to us. And as your kids get older, Jared, this is the fun thing you get to look forward to.

They're going to confront you on things as adult men and adult women face to face that are good and hard. And one of our sons said, remember this? A few years back, he said, I wish you would ask me this question. I'm like, yeah, what is it? How's your heart? Yeah. In other words, how are you doing?

Get to a soul-to-soul level conversation. You know what I'm talking about, Anne? Yeah, I do. Yeah. And I remember when he said that, I was like, really? I didn't do that? He's like, no.

You were easy to be more superficial. You're like, hey, we're good, right? We're good.

I've given you skills. We're good. And like, how are you doing? Let's talk about, and that's, that's vulnerable.

And I think scary for men sometimes. Were you defensive or did you, were you able to really hear him? I don't know. Was I defensive? He's so good in not being defensive. He's really great. You're complimenting me right now? I totally am. Soak it in. Yeah. I'll take it.

But let me add this. As a wife, I could see that. Like Dave has a rough past.

And so I don't think there was a person in your life growing up that ever got lower to your heart. You know, you're always talking surface things. And so when we got married, I'm like, let's go deep. Let's talk about the deep things of life. And you're like, what are we doing?

You know? Yeah. And there's part of me that that was scary.

Yeah. And my sons have also said, and we've said this here before, so many of you've heard this, but it was a defining moment for me when they said, dad, we felt like you were more vulnerable with the congregation than you were with us. And immediately when they said it, again, I wasn't defensive.

I was like, you're right. And I said, tell me more. What do you mean by that?

And what did I feel like? But I found that I feel like I'm being vulnerable with a thousand people. It's not that vulnerable. It's safe.

What are they going to do with it? They're going to say, oh man, you were, that was, you know, they applaud it, but nobody's going to walk up and say, let's go a little deeper on that. But in a kitchen or in a family room and you're looking at your son or your daughter, that's a scary moment. And the reason I'm bringing it up is, man, go there guys. Ask your son how his heart is.

Ask your daughter. Share how your heart is. It'll be life changing for you and them. And as they grow up, you're modeling for them how to be a husband and then how to be a dad. And Dave, the thing I appreciated too, I could see that and I kind of shared that with you of what I could see and what they needed. But there's a point that you just have to let Jesus have your spouse because my words, I can say them, it's Jesus that has to do it. The thing I've loved the most and I've admired that you've done is after that conversation with them, because a couple of them said that to you, you went to get help through a counselor.

And that is huge, especially at your age. Like I'm still learning. I still need to get better at this.

There's something broken here. I want to, I want to do better. Hey, can we stop talking about me? Can we go somewhere else? Well, here man, I'll just say as an outside perspective, and not to make you feel a little bit, I think I'm about the age of your son and that man, that is so powerful, so powerful for, to hear that you heard that and you're like, I, I'm willing to receive it humbly and see this is still an area of my life.

I want Jesus to change. That's really, really cool. That's good. So thanks for saying that.

I actually, on my list here, I will say it's number two, but it could easily be a part B to that same thing. Cause I was going to say, dads need to say, what were you feeling or what are you feeling? And that's really the exact same thing that you were just talking about, which essentially I'm trying to get better at this as a dad, but not just parent their behavior, but really parent their heart. And that's what you were talking, that's what your son was talking about. Like just get, get after my heart, not just my behavior.

And I'll say for me as a dad, I've got kids, you know, 12 years old down to two. The reason it is easier for me to parent behaviors cause it's faster. I can get them to comply quickly. You're grounded, you're in trouble, you're in timeout, whatever it is, and then just stops the behavior. But honestly, it just skips the whole heart shaping when I do that. And I have to stop for a minute and realize that's not what God does to me. He doesn't just say knock it off, but he slows down enough to parent my heart, I should say. He's sanctifying me. He's making me more holy. And to do that, he has to slow down enough.

He's long suffering. And so I want to do that with my kids. We need more dads who will say, all right, not just what did you do, but why did you do it?

What are you feeling? What's going on deep within your heart that needs some shaping and some gospel truth? That's huge as to become teenagers. And you know, a lot of us as dads, we get mad and we lay down a law, like you're not going to that movie or nothing. And of course there needs to be those kinds of discussions. But to ask the question you're saying is, okay, what is going on in their heart or their soul that makes them want to do behaviors that they've been taught their whole life are out of bounds.

That's a great question. I remember even as a mom, I'm trying to get to that too. I'm trying to get to their heart and you're right. It takes so much patience because you get mad at them and they're hitting each other. And I've cheered this before, but there was one point where our eight and 11 year old, they were just hitting each other, screaming. So I walk in on that and the one, the younger brother is so mad. And so I pull him like he wants to punch his brother. I'm pulling him away and I said, like, tell us, tell us why you're so mad. He said, I'm so mad. I'm so mad. And I said, but go further. Like, why are you so mad? Like try to get it out.

What's wrong? And I was amazed that he could verbalize. He said, I'm mad at you because every time your friends come over and my friends come over, you embarrass me and make fun of me. And so for him to even say that instead of, I'm just going to hit you and punch you for him to be able to verbalize, that was pretty extraordinary for an eight year old. And I said, so you're feeling rejected.

Yes. And he said, I feel, and then it came down to, and now he's crying. He said, I feel like you don't even love me or like me anymore. I'm like, this is amazing, you know, that he could verbalize it. And so then I had him say, and what do you, what do you need from your brother?

And this was the most classic. And he's crying, this little eight year old, he said, I just need you to hug me sometimes. You know, the 11 year old's getting a little older. And so he's like, well, and then the younger brother again says, and sometimes I just need you to give me a kiss before I go to bed.

And now I'm trying to not laugh. But the older brother says, I'm not going to kiss you, but I will hug you once in a while. And then he said, and I'm sorry, I've made you feel so bad. That took a long time to get all of that out. It would have been easier just to separate them to give them a time out or whatever.

But I love that, get to their hearts. Well, you know, it's all I could think of as you were sharing that story, which was so amazing was, and you guys know this better than I do, but you put that same language in marriage. Yes. Yes. Men are just, we just, we're mad, you know, but it's like, can you get past the mad and get back to the first, what's the first emotion you're feeling, not the second or third. And could a husband and wife talk like that? I actually feel rejected.

And what I just need is a hug. Yes. How many marriages would be healthier?

Yes. But here's what I would say number three is, is I have, what dads need to say is say no. And what I mean by that is what you did with your kids is you had to slow down.

You could have just, if you punch him, you're in trouble and I'm sick because I got to fold the laundry and do the dishes and do a million other things. But you said no to other things so that you could be more intentional to say yes to raising disciples in that moment. And so we have to say no to the fantasy football team or the game or pausing the TV or whatever other things need to get done to say yes to my, my primary role here is disciple maker.

And so I have to slow down, say no to everything else so I can say yes to the people, the little disciples that God has put right in front of me. And we won't do it perfectly every time. For sure.

Or ever. Because we're tired. We're tired. Yeah.

Well, I've said this before as well, but when we started our church, both of the founders were young dads with young kids. And we made a decision because our wives said, we need you home at night. So we stood on stage. I remember we did this together. I think you were 32. Yeah.

32, 33. Church was just starting, but it was growing fast and it was getting pretty chaotic and hectic in a lot of meetings. And we said, hey, we just want to let you know if you need to meet with us and it's really important, we'll meet with you in the morning, not at night.

Here's why. Otherwise, which one do you really want us at home? And both of the wives said, man, if you could be there at dinner and putting baths and getting into Bible and then put in the bed, that's so we said, okay. And so we both thought they're going to applaud this. They're going to be like, way to go, way to be dads and husbands. We heard the opposite.

Wow. It was like, what do you mean? You're my pastor. I can't meet with you at five in the morning, six in the morning.

I have to meet you at night. And we're like, well, we're not going to do it. I mean, it really was not applauded, but I'll tell you this 30, 40 years later, it was the best decision we ever made to say no to people that mattered. And we were supposed to be discipling, making disciples, but the most important disciples will ever make. That's right.

Or sleeping right down the hall in your house every night. Yeah. And I imagine the only reason that you have the confidence to say no when it was hard is because you really knew what you were saying yes to and guys just have to know what they're saying yes to. Otherwise, your boss is going to convince you to say yes to him. Your work is. Your fantasy football team.

I know I keep picking on fantasy football players. I'm saying all the things in my life that try to suck time from me. But whatever the thing is, life will convince you, people will convince you, you should really say yes to this, but you just have to know this is what God's called me to say yes to. And I'll say no to everything else. Guys, what would you say to a man that's just like, hey, my business is falling apart.

Finances are falling apart. I have to be there. I can't say no to this thing in my life right now.

How do I say no to this? I mean, that's hard. I mean, I feel it. I would not make light of, oh, yeah, it's just an easy, it's a hard, hard call. But I think what Jared just said, it comes back to what matters.

What are your priorities? Make the hard call. And in some ways, it's a trust part, too, to say I'm going to do the right thing that God's called me to do and trust him for the other part. I mean, there's other ways to work different hours and different ways to make money.

And maybe you got to be creative that way. But I think at the end of the day, you got to make the hard call. Leila and I said before we had kids, first year of marriage, we said we would rather live in a RV and be together trying to raise kids with a small budget than to be working to pay for all this stuff and be away from each other and away from kids. And so I know a lot of guys might say, well, I can't do that because my wife wants all these things. So this is a decision you have to make together as a couple. What kind of lifestyle are we actually going for?

What's our value of time here, like a dollar amount? Are we willing to cut some budget stuff in order to spend more time together? Yeah. Have you, as dad tired grows, have you had to make some hard calls? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, you sound like you're on the road. Has there been a lot that you're not on the road that you could be? You said no to?

Absolutely. I'm traveling every week, but we homeschool our kids and I'm with them five days out of the week. So Monday to Friday, and then I usually take the last flight out that I can on Friday, speak on Saturday. I say no now when people ask me to speak on Sundays for almost every time so that I can go take my kids to church on Sundays. I want to be home on Sunday so I can go to church with them. I'll answer that question as a woman. I know that there are some seasons where it's going to be really hard for Dave to be at home if something's going on in the church or there's something really important.

And if he comes to me and he says, it's called football, but if he says, hey, this is going to be a rough season. How can I make some deposits into our family that would be really helpful for you? Because I know that I'm not going to be home as much. So we know that this is going to be a season.

I know he's asked me that question, what are the deposits that I can make that are really helpful to you during this time and also to the kids? But then here's the key. I know where she's going.

I was going to say the same thing. The season can't just keep going because as a woman, I lock in like, all right, I'm going to do this for the season. And then when the season's up, if it doesn't change, that's when my heart gets, hey, what happened to the season? I mean, you get resentful. Every wife would. Absolutely. And so one season turns into another season to another season. I think that would be easy because you slip into this new lifestyle and this new schedule. But I think that helps a wife. Here's the season.

Here's what it looks like. Just tell me what I can do to help you in the season. That helped us a lot. Yeah.

You know, it made me think of this. And Jared, you're sort of stepping into this sort of season. I think another big no for families is how many sports and extracurricular activities are we going to allow our family to get in because it will suck your life out.

You're just on ball fields and concerts. And again, that's all great stuff. But I think the best families make hard calls to say, we're not going to do everything. We're going to decide what to do, right? People are going to be upset when they hear you just say that.

This is the idol of America. And they're going to be upset. And my response would be, why are you upset? Try to pause for a moment and try to really figure out why did that make me feel uncomfortable when you said that. And usually when that happens, when somebody's stepping on our toes, our chest gets tight and you're like, well, I want to disagree with you. We're probably getting in the space of idolatry. I was going to say it's an idol. Yeah. Don't mess with my stuff. And so, yeah, that sports have become a huge thing.

Listen, my son is really talented athlete and I don't care if he ever doesn't play a single pro or college sport in his life, but I do care if he loves Jesus and turns out to be a man that leads his family well. So you just have to say no to some stuff. Yeah. That's true. Hey, Anne, have you got one?

Here's one of the things I'm going to add. My dad didn't spend a whole lot of time with me growing up my earlier years because I had older brothers. I was the youngest of four, but I hit this age where my dad started inviting me to go out to dinner because my uncle had cancer. My mom was gone. And so my dad said, hey, I'd like to just have dinner with you.

And it was once a week. Your high school? I was in high school and I didn't even know him. This was so awkward. But one of the things my dad did that I loved is he just started asking me questions.

And I think this is a great thing for parents to do. And he would say things like, tell me about like, what's making you happy right now? What's making you sad right now?

Tell me the names of your friends and tell me all about them and why do you like them? I was only 15, 16 years old and I can't even tell you what that meant to me. That my dad would take an interest, that he would ask me questions about my friends.

And here's the other thing that he did that was amazing along with that. He would then ask me this, what do you think I should do? I'm in high school. I don't know anything. And he goes, Ann, I have this problem going on at work.

What do you think I should do? You know this, Dave. I think my dad would make us feel so important that he's asking our opinion on something. Oh, when we got married, that was one of the first things I noticed. I said to Ann, he treats me like I'm an adult. He asked my opinion and he's not just being nice. He really thinks I have thoughts. He'll say like, I'm kind of dumb.

I'm not very smart. What do you guys think I should do? And I remember, most adults don't treat me like that, but your dad, it's man to man, adult to adult, I want your wisdom, give it to me. And I'm like, wow, I feel like a man. Yeah.

That's unique. And I think that's important for us to do to our kids as they rise up to that age, make them feel like you're not just a teenager anymore. You are an adult. And one of the things I love about my dad too is he was always willing to change and see his shortcomings. He knows that he was not great. He was not there when I was younger, but man, he was always changing even to the point of when he died. I remember him apologizing to me about that at 92 years old, and I'm really sorry. I wasn't there when you were growing up, just didn't take an interest and that was so wrong of me. Don't you love that we can still change, that we can still repent and apologize?

And you know, I didn't think, well, it's too late now. I just thought that is the sweetest thing, dad, you know, that he would do that. So that's mine. We can give, I just think people are willing to give a lot of grace to genuine humility. That's it. And that's spiritual leadership, isn't it?

Just humble men, you know, I mean, for our audience, for dad tired, we're just telling it, just be humble. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying. I'm sorry.

I need to get this right. I mean, what use, how we started with your son coming to you and just saying, okay, I hear you and I'm going to do what I can to fix it. That's really cool. Actually, that leads me to the fifth one here, which is dads need to say, I'm sorry. And I know you could, anyone would say that you could probably go to any parenting conference and they'd be like, you should apologize to your kids. That's a good moral thing to do. But I think when we apologize to our kids as Christians, what we're doing is we're modeling for our kids. Every single person in this house needs Jesus, everyone, including dad. So when I go to my kids, it's not just the right thing to say, oh, I'm sorry, will you forgive me? But it's baby, little girl, son, daughter, I've messed this up and I've had to ask God to forgive me for this and I'm asking him to take that part of my heart and to change it and make it new. Then, you know, I say that to my six year old, one day she's going to come to the decision of do I want to follow Jesus? I have sin in my life and I hope that she says, well, I've seen my daddy repent. I've seen my daddy need a heart change and so do I.

And that I would model just not, you know, not all the spiritual disciplines, but model for her what it looks like to say, I need Jesus desperately to come and make me a new man. So more dads to say, I'm sorry. That's good. Yeah.

And I think sometimes we need clarification. Like this is not, I'm sorry. If you say, I'm sorry that you feel this way because I did this, that is like putting it on them.

Like you're such a loser. Right. I'm sorry. That's repentance is I'm sorry.

What I did or said was wrong. And I'm owning it. Right. Yeah.

I've been on the other side of there. Like, I feel like this is on me. I feel this is, yeah, that's, that's a biggie.

That's really good. One of the things I thought too, as you were talking about that, Jared was, I think it's good to apologize to our kids sometimes if they're in the midst of maybe an argument with our wife or our husband, the way we talked to them of even saying to the kids, hey guys, I just want you to know, I had to apologize to mom for the way I talked to her, how I was talking to her or the tone or what I said was wrong. It was sin, honestly. And I want you to know I was wrong and I shouldn't have talked to your mom like that.

I hope you guys can forgive me because I had to ask mom to forgive me. It's just good to see like, oh, mom and dad, their marriage isn't perfect, but they're apologizing to each other. And as a kid, that makes you feel secure.

And it's also modeling to them what that looks like, even as they get married. You know, we're out of time, but I got one more and it's the most obvious statement that needs to be said. But I'm telling you, there were times I found it was hard to say. And it's three words.

I love you. I mean, of course you're going to say that. You know, what should you say to your kids?

I never heard that said. It almost felt like they know it. I'm living in such a way that I'm proving it every day. But man, guys, if you haven't said I love you to your wife lately, it means a lot, doesn't it?

Yes. And if you haven't looked your son or daughter in the eye, especially as they're six and then they're 16, sometimes as they get older as a man, I'm like, there's another man. It means the world for their dad to say, I just want to look you in the eye and say, I haven't said this in a while.

And I mean this. I love you. You are a good man. You're a good daughter. I just want to make sure you know, I love you. That's simple, obvious, but I think there might be a dad today goes, you know what?

That was for me. I need to make sure my daughter, my son, my wife has heard me say that today. I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Jared Lopes on Family Life Today. You know, we've got a little addition to the Friday five. Now we've, we've heard about the surprising things every dad needs to say to his kids and even the bonus one, but we'll have one thing we should stop saying to our kids coming up from Dave Wilson here in just a second. All of this conversation and over the last couple of days has been super appropriate as we've been talking about what it means to be a dad, a gospel centered dad and spoiler alert in case you didn't know, today is Friday. Two days from now is Sunday and that day is father's day. If alarm bells are going off in your head, you still have 48 hours to go grab something or have your kids draw something as well for dad. I know he'll appreciate it.

Well, Jared Lopes has written a book called the Dad Tired Q and A Mixtape. Jesus centered answers to questions about faith and family and I know I have questions about faith and family. Well, this book is going to be our gift to you when you give any amount to partner with us financially here at Family Life. You can go online to familylifetoday.com or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329 and the number is 800 F as in family, L as in life and then the word today. And feel free to drop us something in the mail.

Our address is Family Life 100 Lakehart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832. If you know anyone who needs to hear conversations just like the one you heard today, would you share it from wherever you get your podcasts and while you're there, you can really help others learn about family life and from family life today by leaving us a review. All right, let's throw it back to Dave Wilson for one thing we should stop saying to our kids. Here's one thing we shouldn't say as a dad or a mom, I'll do that tomorrow. How about tomorrow? I mean, it's easy to say and there are times that yeah, you need to wait a day, but man, if you can do it today, do it today. Don't procrastinate.

You may not get tomorrow. I remember Joe Stoll speaking at a Promise Keepers 30 years ago. He was a pastor in Detroit. I knew Joe, had a great church and he said he had a yard in Highland Park. I remember his house and he said, I did my own yard because I wanted it to be perfect. I was into my yard and he said, every time I drove into my street, I looked at my yard and I go, it's the best one on the block because I care about it and I take care of it. And he said, I had three sons and often I'd be out working on the yard and they say, hey dad, can we like play hoop or can we be like, yeah, later I'll, you know, I got to work on the yard. And he goes, we actually got a basketball hoop.

We put it in there and my youngest son every day would say, dad, let's shoot hoop. And I'd be like, maybe later, how about tomorrow I got to work on the yard. And he goes, I did a funeral for a teenage boy in my church. And he goes, I'm driving back home and I turn onto my street and I see the hoop. And he goes, it was like this symbol of misplaced priorities. And he goes, as I got closer to my house, I looked at my yard and I said, yep, it's the best yard on the block.

And who really cares? And he goes, the brevity of life was staring me in the face. He goes, I literally walked upstairs, went to my son's room. He was doing his homework. I said, son, let's, let's shoot some hoops. And he turns, he goes, dad, I got a lot of homework.

How about tomorrow? And he goes, I remember I closed the door and I'm walking down the hall and I said to myself, I missed it. I missed it. I had a window and my yard was more important. And I've never forgotten that story over 30 years because I'm like, don't miss the window. Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today, especially as a dad, seize the moment, make a memory. And Dave lets us add, it's never too late to start, right?

It's never too late. Now coming up next week, Jonathan Pacluda is going to be talking to us in his marriage message from the Love Like You Mean It cruise. He basically says there are no shortcuts to a good marriage.

Man, that's true. Can't wait to hear from him. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.