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Heather MacFadyen: “Am I a Bad Mom?

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine
The Truth Network Radio
May 5, 2022 10:00 pm

Heather MacFadyen: “Am I a Bad Mom?

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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May 5, 2022 10:00 pm

Feeling like a bad mom? Author Heather MacFadyen explores motives & emotions fueling your actions & judgments so you can lean toward the mom you long to be.

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So recently we were talking about being in the van and minivan with our two grandchildren, two or three in one. Dave is up in the front with our son and then my daughter and I are in the back taking care of the kids in the one-year-old screaming her head off. She was like an hour and three hours longer welcome to family life. Today we want to help you pursue the relationship matter and will think they will soon and you can find us@familylifetoday.com or on our family life, family life today. My daughter and I is amazing eating here were making faces on later that day were walking and I could tell she was so frustrated because he thinking like what I see back into even it offered to let me to be in the back, but as moms you say no every guilty and so I said to her as we were walking the weirdest thing God has put it as moms, we are connected to our children and if were all sitting in a room with the dads and moms and dads aren't thinking about their take care of the child, you automatically as a mom zero in on you know like I'm gonna take care of them, but I found myself and our kids were little, like why doesn't Dave take care of and it was just always on my radar to care for them.

To love them, you could hear the Augustine. The studio is over there laughing because moms are like yup yup yup WW that's your life right. Think about even coming here and all the effort and planning.

I set a crock pot meal ready for the first night home.

I'm making sure everyone gets picked up at the right time and my husband text me on here. What number they were 10 years but I think when he goes out of town there's no prep on his and he just goes out of town right because you are always connected and I were both working yet we both work outside the home right will have jobs and yet the buck stops here it comes to taking care of the sin over what the refute you but you're right, I bought a plane and go. I don't even I don't think I don't have a thought other meals right is everyone picked up at the right time have the uniforms ready radians got it she's that's what you think.

I will say I have friends in our lives and he is at home dad and he does the details and the mom travels and the mom is involved in a lot of other things but that's the rarity. Yeah, one of our sons is like that. He's very connected is very always and everywhere this generations beyond.

I agree my dad or even YouTube back very disconnected. While it was interesting to even this week we had our three-year-old grandson with us and he and I happen to be sitting out on this deck yet this little camping.

It just turned three and he says to me, meeting two days ago. I'm thinking, remember that I did. He said I'll go. Think of my husband but there's this bond that was like this bonding moment for me and we long for that with our kids. That incident with that conversation with maybe five minutes long. I felt so connected to the him and your book don't mom alone growing the relationships you need to be the mom you want to be. We talked about how we need that relationship with Jesus. How we need a relationship with other moms but you also talk about that connection with our kids. I wasn't going to have the last section B that I was going to be advice from mentor Christina thinking, friends, mentors got but then I realized all my goodness so often we are looking to mentors reading all the books, listening all the things that we can be amazing mom and relieving our kids were trying so hard to being amazing parents that we forget to have the relationship rules of that relationship equals rebellion. So I think that concepts especially in the church.

I think if we we wonder why so many older kids are leaving the church, and I often think that it could be some of the parenting techniques that were handed down to that generation created a distance and relationship that prohibited, when I anything to do with the church. None of us to any data we have four boys effortlessly. As a mom you were trying to connect with them.

I would say look like in the van delegates.

They all want to do boy things you now watch Marvel movies and I like my iPad my meltdown moments. I'm thinking I'm a girl in the house yeah yeah it's hard but I do think MSB signage pathologist by trade, so communication is really important to me and I've always been able to talk with my boys about any topic, and just one of our high values in our family and so even if it's possibly a topic I don't want to talk about mine craft or fortnight or whatever the latest game is.

If it's important to them, then coming to me and me engaging in that or whatever topic I think is helpful, but I'm coming. There's a lot of missteps along the way. I'm not one of those moms is like I got it all right and follow my plan are like the Titanic like avoid this iceberg. So I love it. At the beginning of each chapter you have an isolating idea and every single one of these I could read them all to mom and she seemed yes yes this one is I can't stop yelling at my kids.

That's the isolating idea. The connecting truth is I can identify anger triggers and use calming tools, so let's talk about anger, about this because I'm hoping Gregory is right, and I think I've learned a lot through counseling through sober recovery in a lot of town than training is to identify what I'm feeling and I think in the young Katie years there such a reactive time everybody needs things you're physically spent. I call it a pinball machine just bouncing from one need to another, and so being aware of what I'm actually feeling happened to zero times in a day I to my daughter because how are you feeling she said I have no idea.

I never think about myself. Total self forgetfulness, and what happens then is we are feeling. We are made in God's image with the motions we have them.

If you not being emotional about emotions. I hate yeah she's so emotional about human beings who are emotional and God has emotions so we are human beings made in the image of God, who has emotions it expresses love and joy and anger.

I was in such guilt in those years with young boys. I did not want to be an angry mom again. I'd read all the books I had the Masters degree. The last thing I wanted to do was be an angry mom, but you get to the third bully. The fourth book, no one does what I want when I want and their embarrassing me at every turn.

And so the only thing I can do is yell at anger is energizing emotion and I was believing a lie from our last conversation about what lies I believe had a lot of weakness.

I really did not feel strong or able and so being energizing emotion I felt this as well get my strength but I'm harming the relationships at every turn. As I get angry and feeling guilty every night and then shame on top of the guilt that not only was it wrong that I yelled feeling angry was wrong yelling and anger was the problem and I'm feeling guilty for doing that but then I'm now feeling shame mom shame that I am wrong. If you ever go and apologize to kids even require yeah and I have to and I would tell myself a cable that's beyond what I experienced repair the apology, but becoming a pattern, and you are saying you not only did Ron. Now you said I am wrong I am wrong, I'm a bad mom because I yell at my kids and so many moms are feeling this but I really want help moms to really lean into what's behind anger because it's a secondary emotion to something else.

Mine was the fear that I was dealing with in that live weakness and that was that inner healing that I did kind of realigned what's true and instead of in those moments of fear, feeling the anger and responding with anger I could stop and pay attention and be like okay I'm feeling in night driving a motion that anger get curious what my angry about this child keeps asking for a cookie and have Artie responded five times and told him that were about to have dinner in Connecticut and that's a character flaw in that that's badgering and I don't want him to be a badger the rest of his life silk him taking that knowledge about what I'm feeling and what it's what's going on cause me to feel away.

Let me address the badgering and we can train that but all of that word. What it'll look like soap in that situation outside of the moment. I can bring up wildcats that show the yeah and then episode on badgers.

The actual animal with them clawing in the dirt with their long claws and I could say when you ask a question and answer it and yes the same question. And yes, the same question that's badgering and it hurts our relationship and okay he needs three years old. That's pretty young but I believe kids can learn a lot so then in the future when I would notice him doing it instead of reacting in anger and sinks, which is what I wanted to do. I could even do just a symbol of my hand digging in the ground or state your badgering it helped him. Now he is one of my most persistent children still and is excelling in school because of that persistent right.

It's a gift from God is that we can see it is so annoying leaders is exhausting. Yeah, I have wider here is exhausting and thankful that I'd read the book good and angry and it gave me that it freed me from believing anger was wrong so I stopped fighting the anger and saying I gotta stop being angry that only last like five minutes to stop try to stop the emotion only last five minutes, but if you get curious about it moves you from a reactive part of your brain to a thinking party your brain and you can figure it out a little bit better and I think I'd love to courage moms if they have a pattern of anger to start getting curious about what's going on at the moment. You will not be able to solve it in that moment because anger just happened so fast you start to see patterns you can start to look at what's behind it and do some work with God or with your kids on voice like what you're saying.

Curious is when you find yourself in triggered to anger. I called back track factor to the first emotion because you skipped an emotion that I know when you said that circular motion. I've never heard that until decades ago and I was a revelation.

Xander told me you're an angry man, Mike Which is a great exhibit a but when I started understand what you're saying. I guess you call it. Being curious is like don't know. It's like an extension cord is plugged in this motion number time I was going to pick up our kids at a gymnastics little practice CJ my oldest was six may be very young kids, maybe eight CJ oh when I came in. CJ says all I thought mom was, like no you got there and then there was a lady there from our church and never forget on the pastor the church. We circular we are talking. CJ starts badgering me again soon and I'm literally thoughtless lady number so he just told us he can't do it. So I turned to grab his arms to go. CJ will also get what I didn't realize I squeeze so her research agreement. So now all the parents in this little love your life. That's the pastor go over there what to do as Henry is so bad that he like jumps out of my arms, and a member's mom looks at me like DuBose out about the course. I'm thinking I can squeeze that hard, but I did this as were walking to the car. I literally in my head. I went through what I was told of the literature. She did ABC your anger and knowledge it back track confess it was. Was I angry. Oh yeah, I was angry for a lot of Christ followers. We can even get a like a one angry because we think of so defensive. Yeah, we don't think anger is a God-given emotions like know it is a guy giving his emotions in your anger.

Be angry going go down on your anger as I do it so I was walking a garlic be what was the emotion I skipped was rejection that was like I was hurt. He wanted mom is a five 70 a course he does what to me is like you don't want to hear it again.

I'm not going to be psychoanalyzing my goal you know it was always so that so driving homeowner forget this about all three boys. My youngest is our car seat she does on the front studio to order the slow Honda Accord ago. Hey guys you think dad was angry Becker. Everyone else should suit like great job. I go you know why CJ goes because I didn't interrupt you.

I can point on your thing agree that was part of it. I go you know the truth was, you wanted mom didn't want me you know what that's totally normal.

That's what I sorta want to do what makes and then Sue is confess appropriate for general guys.

I'm sorry I should've been angry.

It's great that you wanted mom picked up today.

I will okay we guys forgive me, immediate forgiveness. Here's the best poster I get home for this letter. Walking out, I only my wife because I had dealt with the anger in us. We soon to get be curious to go back and say where is that coming from and I'm guessing mom said is 50 times a day but one of the things I've learned to do.

I think bedtime. When we put our heads on the pillows.

That's when the battle begins percent. I start thinking I failed here. I should've said this, I say that even with adult children because I have no control now whereas I did a little bit then and so if started this practice of visualizing myself. I just did this two nights ago visualizing myself with Jesus and I tell Jesus the things that I'm caring and saw my glory. Here's what I'm carrying today and this is confessions telling the truth and carrying that II should've yelled and caring that I'm worried about my kids, and I'm worried about this and as I'm telling him this I see myself taking off baggage I just like it and I hand it to Jesus and I handed him another one.

And so it's this time of purging almost. These are all the things that are weighing me down work and then I picture Jesus doing something with them every time it's different like I want timeout seems thrown off a cliff. Once I'm just in my head digging a hole and bearing it and then I'll ask this question, like Lord, is there anything else that I need to give you that I'm carrying in the you want to carry for me that is been the most freeing practice of just going to bed, letting him have and sometimes there's an application of you need to apologize or go back to this sign and even that part is like Lord I feel like I'm not feeling the sun and because just the Holy Spirit will whisper like she needs you right now you need to spend a little more time with him.

Have you had any of those kind. I just think that's so great and I think what I'm hearing from both of you is to me. Emotions the gift of them.

It's likely had a car and start smoking smoke was coming under the hood and it was this red flag that I needed to take it in and get it fixed and these emotions are just these great tools to let us know that something else is going on that we can bring to Jesus it's not too much for him. The rejection was behind the anger the beliefs and that the weight that you are carrying.

That was not yours to carry that you could give to him for me was the fear that was behind my anger and I think the gift if we lean into instead of feeling guilt and shame, which is where the enemy wants to keep us. That's why moms reach out by the hundreds. Whenever someone on Instagram or Facebook says oh yeah do my kids did it because it makes sense like I'm not the only one you are not the only one. The enemy wants you to believe that but don't use that as an excuse to just keep doing you get curious dig into it because you have for me. I over no ringing when you're listening to Dave and Heather McFadyen on family life. Upon hearing others respond help. Just a minute, but not over to you more in people's dreams, really.

Today don't linger long letter. There will be matters to God dollars here are other ways, your family like you means you give each month.

The family life, your monthly donation will be met, dollar for dollar for the next 12 months. Imagine the families who need to hear God plan for marriage and family through our radio broadcasts, podcasts, or events like we can to remember small group Bible studies and are web anywhere you want people going when they go for help when their marriage is in trouble, you can help more families learn about the life-changing truth of God's word not to sound overly dramatic that change the world. So now the time to become a monthly partner and have your monthly donations doubled every year you can give today@familylifetoa.com or by calling one 800-3583 29 that's one 800 F is in family L as in life, and then the word right now, back to David and Wilson with Heather McFadyen a little trick I learned from some mommy expert again.

No formula is a trick and if I talked to mom again kids. I tell her about it is it to me. It really works, especially if you have several young children.

It's called mommy time and we would do it twice a day. I would do it midmorning before lunch before naps and then after nap time before I would start cooking dinner.

When I stayed home full-time and I would put their names in a hat and we draw the go first, second, third, and they would get to pick what we did in our 10 minutes. Moms will feel guilty, like 10 minutes. That's not very much. But really, when you have that many young children and they all need you at once. The amount of one-on-one time that they get with you is never so they knew they were to get their mommy time. I would say I can't wait for in the morning Jackie went to my time and they would plan it out what it was chase around downstairs playing Uno doing so. The rules were the street if you let them watch TV on a show for the 20 minutes there watching the show are you they could engage in other activities.

What sometimes happens if your one-on-one time as Legos they may continue to keep playing the Legos.

When you're done, but the rules where you can interrupt another brothers mommy time or the time would start over from anywhere boundaries genius so but in that time they felt connected me they felt belonging. They knew they were going to get it so they were in negative ways.

Trying to get my attention at practice for us little bit smoother lunch and nap time they were begging to hang out with me they would go down for nap because we had a mommy and I would say I can't wait for mommy time after your nap be thinking about you ready for mommy time. Then the mommy time it happened and then I could to dinner without all of the interruptions not is seamlessly imperfect. No that was it better and then I could go to bed knowing I had spent a couple times that day one on one with each of the boys and did it one summer when I was feeling disconnected for my boys and they were in their teens and middle school years and we would play like good or something that you know the mommy time but they really did.

They did, I saw that with teenagers to and they could even verbal. I said no they wouldn't verbalize that way but I can remember saying to one of our son 16 and was really pulling away from me, which I realize was normal, but I said hey you know what I'm realizing I'm realizing that you are short and snappy because probably I'm short and snappy and I would love just to hang out for it with you for little bit so let's schedule it may be every couple weeks or whatever because I just want to know how you're doing and what's going on in your life. We did that all the time I did that with all the boys and there is something about Tsang doing what's going on and sometimes it started off slow but by the end it was pretty incredible in my heart felt. Here's what I felt like now I see you again you give each other little more grace yes interactions exactly and I would even in that time with you know what this is why you need to do this we get married because your wife is getting me that time for you to look at her and her to look at you and say how are you doing this loosely to love them like appreciating that what you need with your kids what they want to connect with you, but I was listening as a husband going. I think you need wife he time to so which is your husband will I mention the connection points that we know after we had a come to Jesus because you have the little kids we start playing man-to-man defense injured all about the kids and you're not getting time together. We realized after the kids bed. We need to meet on the couch and then before they go off to school.

He is off to work we meet in the kitchen. We pray over each other, still, just as the boys conceit were making this a priority.

We pray for one another sometimes will join you in the huddle and not on this link. The prayer I mean is maybe a couple minutes but stopping that and then his marriage again we've seen is when on Saturday mornings we started walking the neighborhood.

My mom was living with us for a time and so she would be home with the boys. But then by the time she moved out. The boys are old enough really to stay home if your kids are a certain age you could just walk right around the hard times that shoulder to shoulder.

Walking the neighborhood not spending any money. It's not a date night's costlier babysitters are marriages grown leaps and bounds. In that time. I think it helps my husband to know he's gonna get that time. Yeah, and he knows what were to talk about and I know it's been really helpful. I feel connected I feel like he makes it a priority and that's really good. I would take to our listeners. You know that Steve and Heather McFadyen maybe family, like a beautiful work. You can get a copy of Henry you don't mom alone and evenly. Life today to give us a call at one 800 or you have written by 300. I hope I listen family both by yellow light like if you know your today's conversation you can share it from wherever you get your podcast while you're there. It would really help us out if you rate and review us next week were to be talking about parenting.

Do you feel like you could use some direction when it comes to how to parent your kids just make well at least I'll be listening next week and I hope you can to get the opportunity to worship at your local church and experience the astounding grace of God.

This weekend isn't Jesus just the best on behalf of David and Wilson time shall be back next time for another edition of family life today.

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