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Reality vs. Expectations in the Bedroom

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine
The Truth Network Radio
February 15, 2022 9:00 pm

Reality vs. Expectations in the Bedroom

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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February 15, 2022 9:00 pm

How we think always infuences how we act --even with sex in marriage! On FamilyLife Today, author Gary Thomas and therapist Debra Fileta (fil-LAY-tah) address how our past can fuel surprisingly unrealistic expectations in the present.

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So let's get real honest about no no intimacy in our marriage is to reverse your murder every night. This is not some you want to talk about on radio are going well. I just thought this is I think back over 41 years of marriage I don't how long it was, how many years it took me to understand the sexual part of our marriage was not just about me and my satisfaction and my happiness in me getting what they wanted to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson and Dave Wilson and you can find or on our family life and his family life today as I think back over 41 years of marriage, I think I was very very selfish and it was all about one thing. Me being satisfied you didn't pick that up. I thought at that. I also thought I'm going to serve you in love you and my past was so broken from sexual abuse that I don't think I thought I deserved anything that I think a lot of couples are sitting there going. I think I merited a guy you know I think people are experts in many same things we got Gary Thomas and Deborah for later. Back in the studio to to help us talk about God's heart God's perspective about married sex is the book they've written. So Gary and Deborah welcome back pain. Thanks for having me.

Let's go another round of real talk and just say the parents. If you get children with you right now were trying to do the best we can talk about this in a honoring way, but we also want to be very honest about it. So really go places that we think are going to help people in your book does that as you dove into married sex. It's really helpful for couples, so as you listen. Even us talk about that area, especially Gary. I know you've written about that is that pretty calm in the selfish it's all about me, even in the bedroom. It really is one of the myths that we wanted to undercut and demolish.

In fact endeavors chapter's expectations us on the first's expectations that sex is primarily for the husband, and here's what I love about Scripture 3000 years ago.

Think of what life for women was like they weren't valued they weren't appreciated. And yet God prophetically says he begins the book on sex.

The song of songs. The very second verse it's the wife who proclaims let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine. Now, in Hebrew the word love. There is.DoD. It doesn't refer to romantic love.

It's not the Hallmark Channel love is talking about physical caressing and she says it is more delightful to me than white. Now modern wise right now might not hit how strong that is. I want you to go back 3000 years and think about how many pleasures. A woman living in the desert didn't have. She didn't wake up to Jeremiah Maki*but there was even soldiers back then right that there was no air conditioning at noon.

There is no dark chocolate in the afternoon and so a lot of them to read and think, well, I like a good novel. I prefer a walk. I'd rather have a good piece of dark chocolate, but she saying to women in their culture. The highest pleasure they could imagine was wine. It was the one pleasure a woman 3000 years ago could truly enjoy and she says her highest pleasure doesn't compare to making love to her husband now.

Modern women may think of other pleasures is greater. The point to take away from this passage is that the Bible begins by saying sex isn't created just for the husband pleasure that God designed it for the woman to enjoy and to bring life and pleasure to her if I think back on those days. Early in our marriage will be real honest, the amount of time we made love was not very long, because there wasn't time to really take time to love her in a way that Gary just talked about that she would say man this is one of the best things in my life is that common when you look at your relationship you now and always invite me. I know it's a therapy session. When I got an eye on their feet, but he even just thinking of both of your stories and how the's expectations you brought into marriage shaped the outcome of your intimacy. So Dave comes in with the expectation that hey, I've learned that sex is for the man. This is just the conversations that I've had people always talk about it being for the man I'm coming in with this goal because this is what I've been taught whereas your coming in with brokenness and hurt and all of this past that reinforces that sex is just about the man and it's not really for you and all of a sudden you're living out of these false narratives. These false expectations that are true. They are healthy but it's your default and so a first step for all of us is really taking a look at our expectations, like what if I been taught about sex when I really believe about it and how is it then informing my relationship and then we take those things and we align them to truthfully align them to Scripture. This is why what Gary said is so important when you look at truth you begin taking your reality and aligning it to truth rather than aligning it here. False expectations and that's when we can start to change and do things differently do things better yet, it's interesting.

One of the things I think helped me start to think about. And instead of me was when she revealed her abuse which was really at first I thought all its decades ago me and it can't have that big of an impact now, but as I started understanding we were in seminary at the time we work through Dan Allender's wounded heart book and he even has a chapter for the spouse of someone it's been abuse. It alerted my my sense is to oh my goodness she's bringing a course I was bringing perspectives as well, but she's bringing that into this area of our marriage, and it's going to be it imperative on me to say okay what does this mean and how does this affect our relationship, but are even are married married bed. I think one of the greatest gifts that you gave me was when you read that book together with me because I wasn't even aware of the baggage I was bringing into the relationship because the only time I had ever been touched. My family wasn't affectionate. They were verbally affectionate, so the only time I had been touched. Growing up was sexually in abuse and so then he walked into Mary, can you have Jesus and God in your marriage in your excited about what God can do that now all that baggage is at the forefront of my mind and I don't know how to get rid of it and I don't know what to do and so because of the abuse and shame. Of course I feel like I don't deserve to be pleasured in any way and if so how would you guys respond to that. What you think first and foremost this is such a normal response and unfortunately a common response. A lot of people have things in their past that they don't even realize are impacting their present and we think that all yeah I just cannot let time pass days that it's been decades and decades. Any but the thing is time doesn't heal all wounds. In fact, when left with time. Some wounds will only get worse start getting infected email to get worse with time and this is one of those areas where we've got to go backward before we can go forward. We've got a deal with the past so that we can be freed from it and in married sex. I spent some time outlining what that looks like based on Ephesians 4, verse 22 to 24 and simply play the three step process according to Ephesians 4, you take off the old you renew your mind and then you put on something new. When we talk about taking off the old.

Some people haven't even acknowledged their past and they don't want to go back there. They're afraid of going back there, so they just kind of ignore it. But when you think of taking something off active process when you get home in your changing out of your work close. They don't just fall off magically. You got to do with the work of taking it off piece by piece and so that's why ask many couples to start. Let's go back to your past and let's talk about your sexual history.

Talk about your sexual expectations your beliefs.

Your abuse, let's take it off piece by piece, acknowledge, and bring it before the Lord for healing.

This points to one of the million things I love about being a follower of Jesus were just so blessed to be his people not talking about abuse are but were people bring guilt because I can be another issue where people sometimes think because I had my fun quote unquote before I got married, it's not appropriate for me.

I'm going to have frustration in my marriage and I can say to him as a pass OEC putting up with the subpar sex life now doesn't erase your past sins.

One thing erases or sends the death of Jesus Christ on the cross and we get to receive that freely. And so it's a gift that you can give to your spouse as I tell wives apart from the fact that pleasure is great for them. I wanted to receive it just for their sake. If your husband is at all healthy.

The best gift you can give them is learning to receive sexual pleasure and that came out when we are interviewing guys for the book. One guy said to like Superman. When I know I can fully satisfy her and how terrible they might feel if they don't listen to put pressure on wives it's to release him not to feel selfish to say this will really be great. And in fact one podcast.

Was it a habit of 15th anniversary coming up and really wanted to do something special for her husband. And my response requires what what can somebody do might be counterintuitive, but I said your thinking what you can do for him. You don't really get your husband excited say I've been waiting for this. Could you do this for me were Jesus and her sense of need creates a whole new level of interest for a guy because now thought about her servicing him.

It's like wow yeah I want to do that and so learn to receive and see that as a gift.

There's a chapter what gets him going to really help wives understand kids how your husband's mind and body works and guys you really want this Deborah gives you such a favor. She really helps you understand okay this is what gets a woman going but the third chapter is what gets you going. Giving women and men the freedom to recognize okay I have a different brain that my spouse have a different body. They can't possibly guess what's working so moving to make it feel better. Figuring out how to help your body receive sexual pleasure is a good and holy thing to do because God designed a woman's body for sexual pleasure.

When she wants to experience it to the fullness to its completion.

All she wants to be is the woman God created her to be.

And that's a healthy it's a holy and it's a sacred thing. It's as holy as wanting to teach the Bible. If your teacher raise kids, be a prayer, worship leader, whatever it is you want to act fully in marriage is God designed you to act and that is to be pleased by your husband so you would say your love DoD God is more delightful than the best pleasure I can think of all, let's go to that like Deborah take us back to that chapter of what gets her going talk to us about that. Well, one of the first things that women said in this section was in order to arouse my body. You have to start by arousing my heart so there's a whole section in there about really taking the time to build your emotional connection with your spouse to build your spiritual connection to make sure that your relationship is where it needs to be and that we kinda move into what is it look like to arouse her body and the interesting thing about that the majority of couples reported that in the beginning of their relationship.

A lot of times the man didn't exactly know what to do, how to touch because men and women's bodies are so different and you don't really get anatomy lessons before you go into marriage so you just assume that the person in front of you is going to respond in the same way that you knew, but that is not the case were so different.

Even the sensitivity of her skin.

The parts of our body that feel good are different and so we kind of unpacked piece by piece and sometimes pretty explicit way. Yes, you do what is it look like to put your life as your priority. What is it look like to focus on her body and helping her get aroused in the right way and because I think some experience that takes some understanding and that takes some conversation and communication as well.

Dave and I had a conversation years ago about when our kids were little and we get in to bed and days like let's go, and I'm I don't say go away ever say let's go like that's the remaining that's what I heard in my go that I would say my head is still like putting the lunches together and wondering if we have enough milk for tomorrow for breakfast yeah I just need to unwind and let things go so can you just rub my back, take five minutes and just rub my steak on my back because Dave just couldn't keep his hands from roaming antitheft to stay on the back for five minutes and that gave me a chance just unwind to let the day go to take all the things that I'm carrying go is that normal. Do you think for a lot of women it is an in think about this. Our brain is such an important sexual organ and there's so much going on in our brain.

There's they were multitasking. We were packing the lunches mentally checking off the list of all the things that need to be done are mind is not in space and not only that, I found that so many women need to shift the perspective about sex in the sense that they assume it's for the husband yeah yeah rather than saying you know what this is for me. For me, I need the pleasuring and relaxing and this is for me to and when you see him as an act of receiving as a woman, not just as an act of giving it changes your perspective at the end of the day, and it can help you get your brain in the right space because so much of the work happens and how you think about sex, how you think about your husband and you think about your own needs and I think you even isolate. I listen to you talk about this.

Maybe I'm not common to every guy I think I have often defaulted to okay I want to learn the physical part of how to understand her. The relational part, it's not that big a deal, and it's harder. So let's just move past that quicker and okay teach me the body part but obviously, what I've learned over four decades, is the relational part is the part and the reason I want to avoid it and you said earlier, sometimes we use sex almost as a an escape to not deal with the real issue in real issues like you said never awaken my heart. You don't build a relationship that's harder for a lot of us. I know for me it's like we just so were good right okay as go and let me just what you said earlier about just the thoughts. It's hard when you get in and yet he doesn't say let's go, but we have a whole chapter called sacred simmering and practice of therapists that mention the practice of simmering meaning if you live it ice cold. It's hard to get to red-hot and simmering is for foreplay. It's making you so you might even be open for foreplay does not foreplay.

It's getting there. And so there's some very practical tips of St. if you know this is the day. How do you get that brain in gear member Deborah said your brain is your most important sexual organ.

So how do your brain in gear to do that one woman has this playlist music to be very powerful and they have a number of songs they have literally made love to, and shall put that playlist on while she's cooking the kids dinner and so the kids think she's heating up macaroni and cheese is something very different for her husband when she gets home because she just was okay these are the nights are choosing to happen and so how do I begin to get myself into that place. Some women talk about some things at the where that date for them.

How it feels for them how to set up your day to get ready because it just realizes especially for talking to a lot of moms with younger kids. It is hard to go from ice cold to red-hot. So how can you simmer and I even say this to the guys because a lot of times you know we got business deadlines of got a game or something free nor wife with it.

If it's on the table, some as we really have to reserve our minds and what surprises me.

There's some long passages in the song of songs where the husband is literally meditating on the most sexually desirable parts of his wife. The Bible says that's not lustful it's actually recommending it. It's your wife. Not a disembodied woman but cherishing your wife to raise your level of desire.

In fact, though the wife does it for the husband to their long passages for both for some women simmering might not be thinking about the physically desirable parts of their husband might be many so good with kids. Re: so successful at this one woman is very musical. She says boy when her husband plays a piano. She can't wait to get him upstairs, so every woman is different, but this practice of simmering has really helped a lot of couples because if sex is never in the background of our mind is just really hard then to make that hard right turn and simmering just kind of brings it a little bit closer so we can at least consider the idea that super helpful and practical. That's a beautiful phrase.

I remember long time ago, our kids were little. I was at the kitchen table and was walking to the table with food for dinner and she gave me the look we had this look back in the day where it was like him interested in let's do this tonight, so soon as I got the luck gear you can imagine is like a son looked at her like did you give me the look I give it again and she did and so I me I like okay guys get your food is gone. You know the best.

The kids are down prayers devotional their likes 25.7 of you and I run a bedroom that I'll never forget.

I mean she comes in later it all in the bedroom and I say let's go no, but I did remember she came in the bedroom like Ray to go because she gave me the look an hour ago and what you very said she likes hello Kennelly just tossed tires a little bit. The rethinking so you can talk is tomorrow it out. But again I didn't understand.

She wanted to can know that was the simmering part. I was so nave that I think is really wise to as women we can get so caught up in our everyday task with our kids or parents all the things going on in our lives. I had this visual when you said that Gary is turning on the crockpot, like being intentional like just turn it on you now donate might be a microwave us as you've heard before, but that is women.

I think we need to be intentional and like make this a priority. Start thinking about it.

I like the music thing like that's a great idea on getting a playlist already got very wide, but I would say this I don't ever add this you know what does it mean to a woman to really because when I hear the crockpot. Now I go that's awesome. I used to go what really now it's like none of this is my gift to you is to love you slowly and tenderly and gently the way God wants it to be at the end of the day. I think it really means for us has women to just being intentional about what were thinking about throughout the day and maybe not just us as women.

I mean, you know what you need in your marriage and you know how you work and maybe you're the man, listening, and you're more like the crockpot that I think at the end of the day is understanding that timbering means a posture of the heart in a posture of the mind and I think sometimes we look at the last 24 hours of our marriage and we kind of base our mood on the last 24 hours rather than the last 24 years. The last 24 months.

Like what has the tone of my marriage than what is my spouse really mean to me. Who are they in my life and how can I reflect my love and intimacy for them based on that, not based on what we've done in the last 24 minutes the last 24 hour think if we always base it on our interactions within the last day and sometimes got an argument and it just completely wrecks the night and we kind of fixate on those little moments, rather than looking at the long haul of who this person is and what they mean to me. Dave your athletic background really can give a new perspective on this. When a coach that you you have a game at a certain time, a football player does you work at Detroit Lions and and players know when the kickoff starts. I need to be ready and can I just say that sex is more important than again is marriage any less worthy of reserving yourself, for then checking so I think she set notion of recognizing I want to be there for my spouse when they really need, because I'm the only one I love hearing. Thomas talk there about our being there for one another, in part because I've heard of too many couples today who aren't there for each other. Couples who have sidelined sex and marriage.

They just said this is too complicated or too hard or too hurtful or too painful and they just moved it out of their marriage. The Bible says in first Corinthians chapter 7 that were not to do that, that we are to serve one another in this area. In fact, the first five verses of first Corinthians 7 are a good passage for couples to read together.

There may be a time when you fast from marital intimacy. But when you're doing that it's to devote yourself to prayer not to will freeze out your spouse or punish your spouse or because things have gotten hard. Gary Thomas and Deborah flee to deal with these issues and so many issues in their book of married sex.

It's a great book for couples to go through together. We got in our family life to the resource Center you can order it from us or you can call one 800 FL today to get a copy of the book, married sex by Gary Thomas and Deborah for later in the website is family life to and the member call to order your copy of the book is one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. We also recommend to you a online course that we put together for couples called the nearly complete guide to better married sex five sessions. There's podcasts that are a part of it projects the couples can do together. Find out more about the online course, the nearly complete guide to better married sex when you go to family life to I have to think that this conversation has been helpful may be challenging may be healing for many of you this week. I know the subject can be something that is uncomfortable, but hopefully as you been able to listen privately to this and think about this and think about the subject of sex from God's perspective got his use these programs to help you in this particular area of your marriage and family life. That's our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families to keep pointing you back to what the Scriptures teach about relationships, about marriage, about parenting and we are so grateful for those of you who are not just listeners to family life to those of you who are supporters of this ministry.

Those of you who pray for us and those of you who regularly provide financial support so that we can extend the reach of this ministry so that more people can more often be impacted by practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. If you're able to help with the donation today. We'd love to express our thanks by sending you a copy of the book vertical marriage, written by Damon M. Wilson. It's a book that talks about the spiritual foundation that must be in place if our marriage is going to be what God has designed it to be. You can request your copy of the book vertical marriage.

When you donate to family life today online family life to when you call to donate at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. Have you ever wondered just what it is that wives are longing for in a marriage relationship tomorrow. Dave and Ann Wilson address that subject looking at what it is. Every wife is longing for hope you can be with us for that on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine.

We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of family life like today is a production of family life accrue ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most

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