Dave’s Parenting Mistakes

Okay, I got a news flash for you. Oh, okay. I don't think it's really anything you don't know, but I just thought I'd update you and let you know I was not a perfect dad. What?

What? I mean, yeah, and you were not... What? I was not a perfect mom. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.

I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like obvious, but, you know, we wrote a book called No Perfect Parents, and I tend to think that they read that title and they think, yeah, you wrote a book called No Perfect Parents, but, you know, you guys were authors and you host Family Life Today. So you were much better than the average parent.

But hopefully listeners have discovered that, oh, the Wilsons really are not perfect. But we really wanted to share with you some of the things that we put in the book, actually, parenting mistakes that we made. And we wanted to be really honest with you and show you what this looked like, not just to beat ourselves up, but hoping that you'll see that there are no perfect parents, that we're right there with you. But we're also hoping that you'll learn from us maybe what not to do. Yeah.

So I was going to say today's exciting, but I don't know if I'm excited to share our mistakes, but there's nobody in the studio. It's just you and I talking about Chapter 11 in the book, which we titled My Top Five Parenting Mistakes. Which you wrote.

Way to go. Yeah, I wrote my top five. It could have been my top 50. There weren't enough, you know, pages to fill it because there are a lot more than five. And by the time I was ready to write mine, they're like, oh, too many pages. You guys can't include yours. No, we're going to hear yours in a bit.

I probably had like 500. So today, let's talk about a few of the mistakes I made. Well, before Dave even gets there, maybe some of you have been struggling, feeling like, oh, I'm failing. I need help with my two year old. You have so many questions and we want to help you with that. And you can always go to familylife.com slash parents ask. Ask your questions.

Tell us the things you feel like. Oh, I'm struggling with this. Maybe you need answers and help because we want to help you.

So go to familylife.com slash parents ask. So let's start here. When I opened this chapter, I wanted to make the point that I think we all need to hear is that often we do not see our mistakes.

We don't even know they're happening or real. And one of the things that I was alerted to with this was you used to tell me early in our marriage and even when early in our parenting years that I would be harsh with my words. Yes, we would go through this. It was quite a while. And I was so frustrated. And I told you, you're so harsh with me, like your tone makes me feel like you hate me or I'm stupid and you roll your eyes.

The non-verbals were destroying me. And I would say that to you. And I, I couldn't say it. I was like, you're crazy. And I even I would say it like that. Harsh, roll the eyes, a flippant little comment. Walk out of the room like I'm not like that at all.

And obviously, if there was a mirror, you could see it, but I couldn't see it. Do you remember I said to you, like, I am going to record it. I'm going to secretly record you. And you're like, whatever. Even if you recorded me, you would see that I'm fine.

You're just overly sensitive. Well, tell them what happened. So we go to visit my parents and all our kids were little. And so my dad had a VCR camera, which was new at the time. VCR.

It was the kind you carried around on a backpack. And so we were recording the boys. It was really fun.

And we didn't know it at the time, but Dave didn't turn off the camera. And so later that night, we're like, hey, everybody. All my brothers were there. My sister, my parents, like come in and watch this video we made of all the grandkids. And so we're watching it and everybody's like, oh, this is so cute.

But then when you think the camera is going to stop, you can tell the camera is now pointing to the ground because it's still going. But the audio picked up our little fight we got into when the kids and the parents left the room and the camera was still going. And on that audio, you can hear my tone of voice. You can't see me rolling my eyes, but it's obvious that I think I'm the world's smartest man and you're the dumbest wife.

I mean, it's just arrogant and flippant and hard. It's all the things you've been trying to tell me that I denied I ever do. And you guys, he was so embarrassed. Your whole family's watching and listening to this.

And there it is. And they look over at me like, what a jerk. And I'm thinking, thank you, Jesus. Because I had been praying like, Lord, I don't know what to do. Like, he doesn't hear me.

This is really hurting me. And then that happened. And I'm like, Jesus heard my prayer. And I've been perfect ever since. You have. No, but I mean, we're telling the story because that day I could see what you had been telling me. And I've been making these mistakes and doing this for years and denying it because I couldn't see it. And I will say you are not like that anymore in terms of when people confront you and share truth with you. When I do that, you're really open to it where you didn't used to be open to it.

Yeah. And I do think one of the gifts God's given us and it's true in marriage and it's true in friendships, is he gives us people that can be a mirror to us. Your spouse is a mirror. I began to realize that's a gift from God. Your spouse can sharpen you to become like Jesus. That's our ultimate goal.

I want to be like Christ and I won't ultimately be there until I'm standing before him in heaven. But God gives you a spouse to call out things. I mean, hopefully speak life. But at times I'll go, hey, I don't know if you know this, but you're really harsh with your words or blah, blah, blah.

And we can get defensive or we can go, wow, I think iron is sharpening iron right now. God wants to use her or him in my life to make me more like him. And if you receive it as a gift, we literally call it a gift in our home. It's a gift. If you receive it that way, it can make you better. And the secret is how you relay that truth and that gift.

Yeah. And all that to say these mistakes we're going to share very quickly. And I encourage you get the book and read them yourself and then have a conversation about them. I often didn't see these mistakes when I was living these mistakes. And now looking back, it's like, wow, I wish I wouldn't have done this.

And I hope these can help you. The first one, I wrote it this way. Mistake number one, I left my soul at the office. And basically that was just how I was so driven as a pastor, as a chaplain of an NFL team to be successful in my work. And often when I got home, I didn't have any energy. I mean, I had energy.

I just didn't bring it home like I brought it to the office or to preaching or to leading a Bible study with the Lions players. I came home tired and sort of felt entitled to rest. And I sort of walked in the door like, this is Ann's job. The kids are Ann's job.

She doesn't have half the job that I have because my job is so much harder than hers. And I would walk in the door and I felt like I looked back and I left my soul. All my energy went to the church and I didn't bring as much to my home. And it was interesting, too, because I was so frustrated because as a mom with three little boys, I was tired.

It's exhausting. And I would watch Dave and I'm sure some listeners are thinking, yes, I relate to this, especially wives. I would see you with your friends and co-workers and even in your job. You are amazing, like dynamic, a dynamic leader, communicator. You're fun and funny. And then you come home and you'd be super quiet.

You know, you'd sit on the couch or watch TV. And I was like, I want that guy, that fun, dynamic leader to be engaging with our kids. But you didn't receive it very well if I said that. Well, we've told this many times, but the one time you said it was at 11 o'clock on a Sunday night after I preached four times.

It was on the sideline with the Lions all afternoon. I'm exhausted. And you say, bad timing. I wish the man who led our church lived at this house. And that was your way of saying the energy you bring, the vision, the way you pray on stage is not often the way you lead this home. I responded really well. I said, this is the best husband in the world.

You don't realize how good you have it. All that to say, again, it was a moment where God reminded me my job as a husband and a dad is the most important job I have. Why don't guys, and women do this too, why don't guys get that, though?

It makes us feel like we're not as important, are we not? I mean, in some ways, I think we get applauded for what we do at the workplace sometimes, you know, that we're cheered. And I also felt like I know what to do there. I went to school for this. I've trained at this. People tell me I'm good at this. I come home, I often feel inadequate.

Sometimes you were telling me I wasn't very good at it. All of those are excuses because the truth is, and what I want listeners to hear is your job as a mom, your job as a dad, as a wife, as a husband, there's no more important job than that. I will not be held accountable for the people in my church. They're not really my disciples. There are three sons named CJ, Austin, and Cody, and Ann, my wife, who I will in some ways be held accountable. Now, they're held accountable for their own walks with God, but God has called me to love them and lead them.

And serve them. And man, oh, man, it's like when I'm driving and I learned on my drive home, I learned a little rhythm that I got into where I would have this mailbox on the way home. And I didn't go over to the mailbox, but I'd look at it and I visually with my mind, open that mailbox, take my job as a pastor and put it in and pull out my job as a dad and a husband and put it on. So when I drove in my driveway a few minutes later, it's like, I know I'm tired. I know I'm exhausted.

It doesn't matter. I got to bring as much energy into this home as I've been bringing all day. And it's actually more important than what I've been doing all day.

Not that all day didn't matter. It was very important. But it's like, man, this is the most important job. This job here, I can't be replaced as a pastor, as a worker.

I can be replaced probably pretty quickly, even though we like to think we're that important. But this job, only I can do this. And God's called me to do it.

So I really want to commend the single parents who are working, coming home, taking care of kids like you're doing it all. And it is not easy. So way to go, because you can't not be all in. And that was my mom. And I didn't even appreciate it at the time. But, man, she gave everything.

And so that was mistake number one. I would challenge any mom and dad. There's nothing more important than that job. Bring whatever you can to raising those kids. And I'll end with this, because they're going to be gone before you know it. You're going to blink and they're going to be out of the house and you're going to wonder, why didn't I seize the day every day?

And I know it's exhausting and I know it's hard and I know it's worth it. So do it. So that's mistake number one. Mistake number two. I wrote this. I was nicer to the mailman than to my kids.

I think every parent could possibly say this. Yeah. And I mean, it's just the simple thought of, you know, you can be yelling at your kids or in a fight with your spouse and the doorbell rings and you walk up.

Hi, how you doing? It's like, what is going on right now? You're nicer to a stranger at your front door than you are to the people you love and are doing life with. Think about walking into church. Well, you are always at church already preaching, but I can remember going in the door. I mean, I just envisioning the kids in the minivan and we're driving to church and I'm like, kid, you need to stop fighting and stop punching.

And then we would walk in the door and you're like, hey, rainbows and butterflies. I think so many parents can relate to that. Our kids said to me once, why are you always so nice to the people on the phone and then you're not as nice to us? It's so convicting.

Well, here's all I know. And I wrote this under this point is that I was so intense of doing things right and being on time and cleaning up the house that I missed moments to enjoy in our home. I feel like you captured them. You were a joy bringer. You brought fun and laughter into the home.

And I often miss those moments because I was thinking about the next sermon or money was a big one. How are we going to pay for all the stuff that Ann wants to get for our kids? Or I did get for them.

I mean, think about it. I was like, don't even let the neighbor kids come over because all they do is eat our food and drink our water. I remember turning the water hose off like they're taking all our water, our hose water.

What was wrong with me? I was buying Kool-Aid because I want all the kids at our house, like I want all the neighbor kids hanging in our house. And Kool-Aid is probably a terrible, nutritious drink. But it's cheap. Yeah.

And so I was thinking, I'm doing great. And you're like, why are you giving them Kool-Aid? They need to drink from the hose. I was the worst. Did you turn off the hose? Yeah, I did one time. I went downstairs, actually, and turned it off because they thought it was broken.

I never knew that. I'm confessing sin right now. I hope God forgives me for that one. But here's the story I put in there that I'll never forget the day I was standing in the kitchen, summer day. And I'm looking out through, we have two windows onto our driveway and to this basketball court that slants toward the backyard in our woods. Yeah, there's a little hill there.

Yeah, a pretty good hill. Anyway, I just happened to be glancing out and I see CJ's car. CJ was 16. He had just bought his first car with his lawn mowing money. By the way, parents, you hear that? He bought his car with his money because we made him work for it.

Anyway, that's a whole other thing. So I see CJ's car is a cool little probe. It's a blue probe. So it starts rolling down the driveway and I can see it. So I start running out the back door across the deck because all I'm thinking is that car is going to roll into a tree and dent the bumper. And I don't know why it's rolling.

I have no idea. But all I know is I'm running and it's going and it's picking up speed because of the slant of the hill and I'm sprinting as fast as I can. And literally as it's going right toward the tree, I dive to grab the bumper thinking that I'm going to stop this car.

And I literally can remember hanging on the bumper as it went right into this tree. I mean, now we're laughing. I was so mad.

I lost it. You were screaming. You were so mad.

Not at anybody. No, I was mad at the situation because all I could see were dollar signs. And all of our kids were outside. But I could see you running. I could see the car going down. And I remember going out there like you were mad.

And so I'm trying to contain myself. Well, I was like, who did this? And obviously somebody got in the car, hit the parking brake, didn't know that it was in neutral and it just rolled. It was just a little kid's mistake that didn't know. But I wanted answers like who did this? Why this happened?

Do you understand how much this is going to cost? And all the boys are like frozen. They are afraid because because their dad is losing it. The neighbors are probably watching the pastor, you know, screaming at the world.

And then you come out. Well, you know, I felt bad for CJ because he paid for the car. But the whole scene was so funny. And so Dave is just on a rant. And sometimes when he gets like that, I start giggling inside. But I'm trying to hold it in.

But it just can't be contained. It's so funny to me. And so I'm trying to not show him that I'm laughing. I kind of fall to the ground in laughter. Oh, you were laughing your head off and you fell to the ground. I mean, you're like belly laughing. And that makes me even more mad.

I know you were so mad at me. I was like, what are you doing? And then it's so funny. I can see the boys are like torn. They're like, we got one parent that's irate and angry and we got another parent laughing her head off.

What do we do? And the next thing I know, they went with you. And they're sort of even moving over to where you were on the ground and they start laughing. And they're all looking at me. You're all looking at me like, dude, are you seriously going to stay in this state of irritation and frustration and anger?

Or are you going to join us? And I remember looking at you and I was so mad. Not only are you laughing, but now you have the boys laughing and I feel like you're laughing at me. And I don't know what happened, but I'm looking at this car and it's in the woods and it's got a dent in the bumper. And I'm looking at you guys all laughing.

And it just hit me. This is funny. There's nothing I could have done. If you could have seen yourself stretched out, reaching for the bumper, you would have laughed. And finally, I laughed.

I didn't laugh like you laughed, but I laughed. And I just think of that moment that I think it happens a lot in homes and in life. It's like there's this dance, there's this party, there's this joy going on.

And God's sort of inviting us to the party and we choose to miss it. It's like, I'm not going I'm not going to enjoy this. And it's like, you know, I missed that moment. I almost missed that moment because I was so intense.

And yet I'm nicer to the mailman and I'm mean to my family. And it was one of those moments that I thought I don't want to miss those moments in life. Well, Dave, you might feel like that's a that's a fail as a parent. But there was another car story. We've had several car stories, but we were.

Let me just say this. Our oldest son had three car wrecks in our driveway. How's that?

That's what I mean. We've had a number one son learning how to drive. He backed into three cars.

That was fun. We've had a lot of car stories, but you've also like you've had some wins. And we recently had the opportunity to talk to our youngest son, Cody, about a car story.

And I feel like this was a win for you, a win for him and a win for us as a family. So my dad decides he's in a midlife crisis. It sort of was. He decided for like the first time he was going to get a nice car. Was it like a 96 Mustang? Was it 96? 96 Mustang convertible. I think it cost you like $5,000.

I got it off eBay and it was a bag of bolts. It was not very nice, but it looked cool. It was a convertible. And so I was 16. But that spring, my birthday was in March. I broke my right ankle playing baseball.

So I was in a hard cast and had crutches. And my dad was going to sell the car. I never actually drove it, but he was going to sell it the next day.

So he wants it to be in perfect condition. But I'm like, God, I've never drove it. I'm 16. I don't even know if I'm legally allowed to be driving with a hard cast on. And somehow he let me ride it. Your mom convinced me.

I was like, no way. You need to let him. Just this is a one time. You need to let him drive. And I'm like, OK, take it out for two hours and just bring it right back home. I did. And I don't know where you guys you guys had a dinner. So I took it out with the boys. And we were going around town and I got my buddies off and we're going to go hang out with the buddy's friends for the night. And at our house, like, you know, you can park it in the driveway.

But I felt really good. And I was so cautious the whole time I was driving it. And so I'm like, I'm going to pull it all the way into the driveway. All the way into the garage. All the way into the garage. Yeah.

Right. And so a part of it was I had the cast on my right foot and the seat didn't work. You can go back and forth. So I was already reaching anyway. And so we start pulling in and I'm hitting the brake and nothing's happening. But what was going on is I couldn't feel the brake and I couldn't push it in far enough from how far back I was. So I'm halfway through and I start panicking for some reason in my panic. I move my foot to the right, hit the gas cargo.

You know, it's happening. I was going flying into the back of the garage. We have these huge cabinets.

It splits the cabinet in half and then the door of the cabinet falls on top of the hood of the car. And I am mortified. And so my buddy comes to pick me up to go out. He didn't really ask a lot of questions.

I think he's just like, you're an idiot. And so I end up getting in the car with him and we leave. And so at that point, I couldn't even enjoy being out with my buddies. And I'm like, I got to get home. But, you know, my parents are home at this point. I don't know what's going on, but I call my mom because everyone knows like I got to I got to call my mom to like do some prep work. So, yeah, I ended up coming home.

My mom's done the prep work and I'm trying to like in any way possible lessen the blow of the consequences of what's going on. So I remember walking into my family room, getting on my knees, putting my arms out, and I just start yelling, I'm sorry. And so individually, I think my eyes were closed. I noticed my dad started getting off the couch and coming towards me. And he gets on his knees at the same time I'm on my knees and he puts his arms around me and he just like whispers in my ear.

It's just a car. It's going to be OK. And he gives me a hug. So, you know, the interesting thing is Cody doesn't know the turmoil that I went through.

I do. Yeah, you were there, you know, when he was still off and you actually told him, come don't be home when we get home because you knew. And then, you know, when I first saw the car, my first response was again anger. It was about the car and the money.

And it took me an hour to get to a place where it's like, you know what? It's just a car. It's just a couple dollars. Let me say this. This five thousand dollar car is not more important than a 10 million dollar son. And I knew that when he got in the house, I needed to give him what God had given me, total forgiveness.

And I just want to paint a picture. It makes me tear up thinking about this moment of a 16 year old boy who comes in on his knees. He's like, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he was so broken. But to see his dad come face to face with him on his knees and you just wrapped him in your arms and hugged him and said, it's just a car. That for me was a moment like, this is grace.

This is Jesus. This is how he wraps us in his grace and the truth of the gospel. That's only done through the power of the Holy Spirit in me and in you as a parent. Because, you know, in that moment, I never would have thought this story would ever be told ever again.

You know, seriously. And yet for Cody, it was a moment of the Father's love, not just me, but his Heavenly Father. So thank God that in our mistakes as parents, our God meets us right there. And he covers, you know, and there are some horrible mistakes that we make as parents. And yet there's a God that sort of wraps his arms around our sons and daughters and gets them through it, you know. And so, Mom and Dad, I would say, forgive yourself.

God already has. Your kids will eventually relax in the grace of God. And the grace that God's given you, give it to your kids and admit to them your mistakes. I was going to say, you can apologize to them. It's amazing how our kids will quickly, most of the time, forgive us.

And it's beautiful to be forgiven. Honestly, all of us can relate to what Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking about today, about having regrets as parents as we raise our children. Dave and Ann's new book is called No Perfect Parents, and we all laugh and nod our heads when we hear that because we know we're not perfect. We were not raised by perfect parents.

There is no such thing. And yet in our imperfections, God is still there and he can bring beauty out of the ashes of our parenting. We have copies of Dave and Ann's new book, No Perfect Parents, in our Family Life Today Resource Center.

The subtitle is Ditch Expectations, Embrace Reality, and Discover the One Secret That Will Change Your Parenting. You can go to our website, familylifetoday.com, to get a copy of Dave and Ann's book. In fact, if you're interested, we've got Dave and Ann's book together with the video series, The Art of Parenting, that is designed for small groups to use together.

We put those together in a bundle and are offering them at a special price. You can find out more about that when you go to familylifetoday.com or call if you have any questions. If you'd like to order the book, No Perfect Parents, or find out more about The Art of Parenting, call 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word Today. And ask about No Perfect Parents or about The Art of Parenting when you get in touch with us.

Now, one more thing before we wrap up here. If you're involved in ministry to blended families or step-families, if you're the marriage and family minister at your local church, there's an event coming up in the Atlanta area, October 14th and 15th. It's the two-day summit on step-family ministry that Family Life is hosting. Ron Deal, who gives leadership to Family Life Blended, is leading this event. And over the two-day period, they're going to be talking about what churches and ministries can do to help couples who are forming a blended family start well. How do you help them prepare for what's ahead before they actually form their blended family, before they get married? You can find out more about the summit on step-family ministry by going to our website, familylifetoday.com. Again, it's happening in the Atlanta area, October 14th and 15th, and you can register today. Again, go to familylifetoday.com for all the information. Now, tomorrow we're going to hear from Ann Wilson about what she would identify as the mistakes she made as she was raising her sons.

We've all been there, right? We'll hear from Ann tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.