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Living Fearless at Home

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine
The Truth Network Radio
July 15, 2021 2:00 am

Living Fearless at Home

Family Life Today / Dave & Ann Wilson, Bob Lepine

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July 15, 2021 2:00 am

Fear might be what drives some people in how they live, but it doesn't have to be. Kevin Thompson shares how the source for our decision-making can build a braver home.

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Okay so today we get stuck about fear and being fearless in your home and your family okay so I think at this moment in our life where we were scared to death you I think I know where you're going because there aren't many times that we been scared to death. I refrozen it was two or 3 AM I woke up in the middle the night because there was a key beam layering downstairs. Our kids were in the home at the time and so I thought differently behind but it was so until I waking up TV and TVs right below our master bedroom. Some like there's no way the TV was off. Welcome to family life today. We want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find or on our family life.

This is family life today. Also to be clicked on it, but then fear grabs like somebody's house I said you go down you go check it out. I guard she called we go over locker bedroom door. I absorb or submit this we call 911 and I did it first, I'm like I'm just calling because I didn't even want you to go down so yes we set our front windows.

You can look through. Could you just come over and look to her front window until things are somewhat in our house deluxe resort. They actually did the fear I felt that moment was so real.

Fear is a real thing and we got Kevin Thompson with us today who hundred block of fearless families. Obviously, it's not about being scared at night.

I don't think is not completely the Internet.

The subtitle is building brave homes in an uncertain world, and given your pastor right in the past, or how long it almost 20 years. Next year will be 20 years to be community Bible Church in Fort Smith Arkansas yet with two kids, two kids that you're the lead pastor of community Bible Church correct okay and written of a few of the books but let's talk about this one because you know you Doug well fear and you start the book with a story of fear even in your own home with your own son tells a story, so whenever you have a TV blasting at middle the night underneath your bedroom.

There is a certain God-given response to that your heart raises your adrenaline gets pumping you're ready to go. You're gonna fight right or you're going to flee or you could freeze all the way back to the idea of of our ancestors being out on the prairie and a possible danger coming out on the horizon and in that moment I'd make a choice of what is it that were going to do a regular fight arena flee.

Are we going to freeze those are great responses when your life is truly in danger. That is a horrible response. Dave went in and says I need to talk. And yet, what happens in our homes. What happens in our lives is that same response, then rises up in these emotional moments when our lives are not on the line, but in reality instead of fighting instead of fleeing or freezing. We then need to engage with our whole hearts with these people that we love. And yet, instead we respond out of the sphere response which creates trauma within the family and everywhere else my response every time and said let's talk early in my marriage and usually it was a conflict. I literally walked out of the room you're so right.

It was this built-in. I didn't even know it. Fear you know conflict talking communication is bad. You avoided or you fight and it ends up ugly and there were times I just froze as well so I me what your time is so true, but many Thumbelina family are trying to create a wholeness fearless. How do we go. Well, that's building us. It's really a gift from God in a good way, but it can be very negative Frank about the error that were living.

I mean if there is ever been a time where fear is running rampant is right now and our families are facing absolutely. I think the first thing we have to do is to recognize and the source that God-given response.

But understand, it was given for God intended purpose. And so the places that we are tempted to fight, flight, or freeze.

We have to recognize that recognize this is not the place for that and then make a different choice.

The end. That's really what the book is about the book is about the concept of fear is really ruling our lives in a way that is destroying us and what's happening is we're making decisions based on fear. We need to make him based on love and in the home. In that moment the home should be the one place that fear does not dominate. I think the home and the church are really the two places that God designed knowing that we are broken people in a fallen world.

Fears got to be overwhelming to us, and yet here two institutions that he gave to us to allow us to learn to explore, to choose the way of love instead of the way of fear and yet sadly so often in the very place that God has given us to begin to diminish our fears.

They actually are increased and I think about the church of the afraid. I think about the home of the afraid and how in these places were God desires for us to learn how to make choices based on love.

We are making based on fear. What's scary to me is we don't realize then how do we get there.

I think that's a great question. I do think it's just person nature impart that God did put this design within us, and now is faulty will fall world.

It's all changed in many ways. I start the book with the story about Silas fourth-grader at the time we live two blocks down from school and so it's always a fun time. We hold hands and walk up this about the age in which I was kind of aware that he sold his dad's hand number one day he runs off as we get to the edge of school runs off in my my sixth-grade daughter looks mangoes.

That's okay that he's just trying to be somebody I thought was of or will you, but one morning we get up normal routine go to school and I get to the door and he's not there. I think he's forgotten his launchers backpack.

I call his name. He doesn't respond that I go look for him and I find them hiding and in that moment, my world changed because anxiety that he had been having was building the noise in his head that been building for years, finally, expressed itself, and what began for us. From that moment was a journey in which we realized how he was struggling with anxiety which is genetic. I feel it to.

He got that from me, but what I learned the next two years. Is it wasn't just a genetic component of anxiety that was going on. But as he was going through his issues with anxiety. I knows that his anxiety was creating anxiety within me and that literally. Fear begets fear in our home was becoming so tense because we were literally making every decision based off of how can we keep him safe. How can we lessen the emotional trauma of what's going on.

How can we make him feel the most comfortable that there's an aspect of parenting where we need to do that.

But there's another aspect of parenting where that's not really our job okay. Kevin might just hearing this. I'm thinking so many listeners are resonating right now because I've talked to more parents than ever before in my life that their children are experiencing anxiety, fear and depression, which just exactly what you said is now stirring that up in themselves. And we feel paralyzed and every parent that I've talked to their St. help. We don't know what to do this because of the journey that we went on this as we recognize the fear that was going on her own homes and ultimately the fear that was going on in my own life. Some people call this a parenting book fearless families. It's not a parenting book. It applies to parenting, no doubt, but we think parenting book of God. Here's what parents should do to raise kids.

Yeah, this really is for me. Here's what I need to do to endure parenting. That's what really is to me because I don't think I ever realized how heartbreaking parenting truly is just on a normal day just in normal circumstances, and how my nature tends to go back to the concepts of fear and I will make decisions based on that, and what I came to find out is that whatever fear becomes the prism through which were making all decisions we begin to lean on and even make idols into some concepts that really are false gods.

The very first want to talk about the concept of safety that safety is a good thing.

Who doesn't want to keep their children say clearly we need to keep our children safe and yet that is not something we can fully ensure and so when safety becomes the ultimate God.

I called the foundation of the home of the afraid the home of the afraid is built on the foundation of safety. We believe if we can keep our kids safe.

If we can experience safe. Then we can build on that foundation and then be strong, but the problem is your pastor, your pastor's wife. You know that life can turn in an instant the phone call can come.

The diagnosis can be there the global pandemic can suddenly show up.

We understand that while safety it is something that's wise to discern. It cannot be something that we idolize. Think about this.

Is it safe how often do I asked the question its wise question I need to ask it when I let my kids go out with her friends. I need to ask my wife what you want to vacation ourselves as a pass.

Try to ask it as the church is planning a mission trip to a place I need asked that but for me it's become the primary question how many times did Jesus ever asked the question, is it safe for Christ. Didn't he never did. Never and never called us to do so either.

And that to me is convicting in what ways does that become an idol define idol because I know you're going and I agree that I want to make sure we understand this concept it becomes what's it mean it's an idol. Tim Keller would say a great definition and enrolled as students of Tim Keller saves a great definition is when a good thing becomes a God thing.

So when something good becomes the dominant thing which for me in many ways. That was the running question with my son is. Is he going to feel safe seeing the field okay. What happens we get involved in counseling and counsel looks at me and goes, Kevin. Your job here isn't necessarily making fuel as safe as you can. It's as he's going through the circumstance that he knows he has your support that you're with him in the midst of this, not to rescue him from that's different is that is radically different and it changes the question and so when we talk about that idea of safety, it is wise to discern and asked the question, but it becomes an idol when we make it the dominant question here is what scares me for the church of the afraid.

If US majority of our people. They would equate safety with God's will is a great point they would think God would never call them into something dangerous will is the mission field safe isn't necessarily safe at your job to testify about Jesus's essay for the friendship for you to bring up Jesus. Is it safe even maybe in your marriage to make decisions based on Christ. It may not be safe, but it might be the right thing to do and so often.

Jesus calls us in the risky things the first time I took my oldest son on a mission trip to Africa to the bush and it was going to be really rugged and I remember a couple pairs that we are say hey go with us because it was really a parents and their son or daughter or couple parents it to me that's the most unsafe thing I would ever let my son or daughter, do their 13 years old. It's irresponsible of you to even ask us to consider this.

I should have been wiser and just looked at Mike. That's your concern.

Of course it's unsafe for me to save as it can be, but there's not 100% safety and walking out your mailbox today.

Really but they were unwilling to let their son or daughter in themselves go anywhere near that and as I came home from that trip with my oldest son like that was life-changing.

He'll never be the same, and there were some fear involved a course bad things could happen but safety became an idol. We bow down to and we lose what God wants to do in our lives is so in the book I make two divisions I talked about the home of the afraid of the home of the brave right and I constructed as just a very basic like third grade drawing.

What a house looks like. So there's a foundation there's a roof of their two walls and so the foundation of the home.

The afraid is this idea of safety will God invites us into a different foundation. It's a foundation of trust. We trust him. We learn then to trust one another and the home of the brave is now learning how to trust God and trust each other that day what you were teaching your son in that moment is you know what these lives are fleeting that we can trust God with them and working to do risky things like every stupid when you seek out martyrdom, but were to risk our lives for something that is far greater and in so doing, you were teaching him, trust not only reteaching to trust God, you were teaching that you trust him that you are instilling manhood within him right which is is a powerful thing and what you are doing is you are creating the home of the brave, and it doesn't mean that we ignore safety. Clearly, we take it in the context of consideration, but it does mean that there are greater questions. There are greater questions of what's the right thing to do. What's the loving thing to do what's pure what's noble what's true. Those are all for better questions than what safe and whatever we prioritize the question of safety over what's right and what's loving we have made safety into a God and as soon as we do that were to begin to express the negative consequences of that. But here's the thing that is our natural bent our natural bent is that I will go back to this concept of what can keep me safe. Think about this within the context of an emotional discussion with your spouse. Why do we avoid that. Why do people basically have one or two reactions. If they're in the conversation.

They either raise their voice or they mostly shut down right in both cases there doing the exact same thing they're going to a place of safety. They're not willing to put their heart out on the table and to risk and the site. Here's what I feel. Here's what has hurt me. How have I hurt you, and they're not willing to have the meaningful conversation and yet when a husband and wife trust each other.

When you have the commitment to know that you know what, there's nothing that you're gonna do to break my love. And whenever you have the transparency to say I'm fully invested in this and that trust is there that I'm not you use you or manipulate you. I am for you I love you. I had to remind myself of this all the time.

Jenny is for me and she loves me. Everything she says is for me and she loves me her tone might be wrong at times. Her words might be wrong at times, but her heart is not wrong she is for me and she loves me and that trust then allows me to put my whole heart out on the table to make a choice based on love.

Not one fear and what I really was surprised by in your opening story was Silas. You know, hiding because he is afraid to go to school. I'm reading that you read being things fearless families you know Kevin is going to say and I spoke into him and we got up and you end up taken his psychologist report because he said sounded to show it to your mom right exactly teacher all the tears in her answer to you and is all. Now I understand you, your fear that coming that you now are going to admit you had fear, and even as a dad. There's some anxiety and fear as we sit here and we think Ocala lead the home of the brave. And that means I'm to be fearless, but what happens when were scared ourselves know that's exactly what I found is that adulthood is far more scared than childhood right out and I get it. We have better tools and that we should now get that's not to downplay or diminish what our kids are going through, by any means, but yes my my son. We had intestate.

We thought of food. Few learning differences that were there. So what you eventually was diagnosed with and he agrees that I can share. This is with school refusal which is apparent about 1 to 2% of population, primarily boys primarily fourth fifth sixth seventh grade axle around the beginning of puberty in some ways, and primarily pretty intelligent kids and so Silas was a straight a student was like a gate student was being bullied. He was loved by his classmates, but what was happening is underneath. There was these learning differences that we didn't know about is creating stress within him, so school every single day was becoming more more scary and yet we didn't know we thought he was having a great time. Everything was going well so we had this testing done in this report. A ticket next door, my mom, she's a schoolteacher 40 year she reads it. She looks up at me. She does this explain so much about you, and I was like what I got to looking and sure enough, these things were evidence in my life early on as well. And now as an adult. There just is present and I think what's interesting to me is is so me the thing that scare you as a kid, really, don't come to fruition.

As an adult right you watch cartoons of Bob never slipped into quicksand.

You know right. The anvil has never fallen off the cliff and busted me in the head, but at the same time, the cartoons don't show the truly scary parts of life either. Bugs Bunny never got a bad diagnosis right in awarding the woodpecker didn't have his wife walk out on. He doesn't know the possibilities as a pastor.

We we experience that every day how life can change in an instant.

And it's it's far more scary. I think as an adult than as a child, and so the reality of God's invitation of are you trust me or not confuse the reality when we idolize the question, is it safe. Who are we idolizing in that moment ourselves.

We think it's all on us and the amazing thing the fear in the way know it doesn't work week later a month later you're still afraid. Even though your safe is can be.

It didn't touch your fear a statement at our house for the last three years has been this when you feel fear, you can avoid it and let it grow or you can face it and diminish. You can avoid it and let it grow or you can face it and diminish that and so one of the great signs of the healing process for my son is now Hill Sinai, in the book with the story now hillside at a nervous okay will tell me what you nervous about and and he'll begin to walk through. Maybe what the next day holds. What is experiencing in the moment. Whatever's going on within his own life in the know asked the question okay what it what tools you use to help that process were the stories you tell your head with the physical things you can do regular work out what you gonna do now and so it's not as a father, it's not. Here's what I can do to solve this problem. Petra was three years ago. It was oh my goodness, my son is facing this one by gonna do to save him make them safe whereas now it's okay let me help you and hopefully empower you to use the tools that you and I have learned to begin to diminish the sphere, but in the site and hopefully go away, but your choice to make. In the end you listen to the fear, you can listen to love choose the way of love. That's what fearless families is now is also the way love is how would you try and faith because I often think of fear.

I always think of the tension it's really between fear or faith. I guess you're saying. Trust is similar faith. Or maybe you're even sand. Love is similar really in trust and faith warm to be gripped with fear, yet the way I think of it in my mind, honestly especially righteous. The way my mind works is that the battle between fear and love are revealing what we have faith in.

The reason I prefer to say it's about between fear and love is because when you do find love now, not as a force that expresses itself in a feeling, but instead is a choice that expressed itself in an action that draws the question back to okay you're feeling whatever you're feeling. That's fine we can do about it. What action are you going to techie and taken action.

It's based on fear or you not gonna take an action is based on love and if you take an action based on love you're doing so in faith that is now example, you have faith in God, not this early faith in yourself and I've always said I think it applies to fearless families. It definitely plays to our personal lives. In terms your phase. I've always tried to stress in a it's really where Jesus says about the size of your faith right. He says you can have faith the size of a mustard seed, which is minuscule and it can move mountains. It can make a difference and I've always grown up. Think of any great big faith and she's like now you just need a little faith that you need a great big God. And so I've always said is not size your faith that matters size your God summarizes how big is your God am I gonna know he's he's magnificent you and believe often ago the Lamb live in is I have a small God.

If you have a small God. You have all faith in the world in a small got nothing great can you live and be gripped by fear but if you begun just a little bit of faith. That's a fearless family and you're going to lead a fearless family and I think that that's so good. Just because we are living in a time when were all afraid there so many things to be afraid of, and there always be a lot of things to be afraid of. And yes, our God is so much bigger than our fear.

It's learning how to trust in you have Luke 1225 year reminding us of that which Jesus says, and which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life. If you're not able to do a small is a thing it is that why are you anxious about the rest to make its true and yet our heart gets notoriously so anxious that I think it's learning how to not let fear derive us know absolutely we we talk a lot in our house in our church as well of the difference between worrying about something and weighing something that is a worry about something is not productive just ruminating her head all the things that go wrong and in the theology that's facing right and it feels productive. It feels like you're doing something, but you're not here in the exact same spot where the test now if you're worrying about something as you get stuck. Worry makes us get stuck with the same place three days from now that we are right now whereas we talk about waiting a decision which is collect the old bank scales right you can put two options there and see that you because you have a known quantities of gold so you have something it's unknown he was here much gold as is he going the bank in the old days that have these known qualities they put each on each side of the scale tilt equals out at that point the known defines the unknown. We are weighing something so we talk to our kids. We talk to each other. Are you worrying about are you weighing are you honestly saying all right. Is this the right decision or not. Now is move forward. That's the way of love the way of love is what's the most loving action to take.

Right now, today, that and let the chips fall where they may. How can we discern that and do the right thing. Safety comes in that conversation, no doubt, but it's not the ultimate God of what's going on there and the bigness of who God is, does apply what empowers us to choose the way of love. Christ the way of love makes no sense of God is small because not gonna work.

But if God is big in the way of love is always the right way and that is what then empowers us to have trust in him and to choose that way and then it's one thing to have a trust. The perfect holy just God who's never going to fail you. It's different for my son to trust me because I am going to fail and I will make bad choices. Sometimes it's difficult for my wife to trust me, and felt her son.

There are times which I'm not can be the husband she needs or deserves. And yet for us to have a healthy marriage. We have to learn how to trust each other, which now necessitates forgiveness and love and mercy. It demands now for me that in the mistakes I make. They better not be life altering mistakes that could just destroy her trust because when a family on the marriage when parenting when the church loses that foundation of trust. There is nothing left to build the house on and so if you don't have a trust of God.

What what good is the church in a vertical marriage. If you don't have the trust of God, the marriage can't be built up.

And yet when that trust exists when a husband and wife trust each other. There is no limit on what they can do when a person trust to God is there is no limit with what God can do with a person leave us to become fearful when our safety is threatened when trust has been violated and a spirit of fear, not just normal healthy fear of things we ought to be concerned about, but a spirit of fear that does not come from God. God does not give a spirit of fear that comes from another place. David and Wilson a been talking today with Kevin Thompson, who has written a book called fearless families building brave homes in an uncertain world. We got Kevin's book in our family like today resource Center. You can go to our website which is family life to to request a copy or you can call us at one 800 FL today ask about the book fearless families. From Kevin Thompson. We've already heard this week about how social media and screen time can be an issue for families. There's a reason to be cautious and careful when it comes to screen time, Arlene Peloquin is written a book called screen kids and were making that book available this week.

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We depend on folks like you to be able to do all that we do. And again if you can help with the donation today would love to send you a copy of Arlene Peloquin's book screen kids as a way of saying thank you for your partnership with us here at family life. So make a donation or call to donate one 800 FL today should ask for your copy of the book, screen kids and thank you for partnering with us here at family life and be sure to join us again tomorrow when were to talk about what happens in a family when mom or dad or both of them become controlled by fear, when fear becomes the atmosphere in your home. What happens Kevin Thompson will be back with us again. Hope you can be here as well on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine will see you back next time for another edition of family life today family like today is a production of family life accrued ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most

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