Speaking Gracious Words

As our kids get older, as they become teenagers, there will be times when, as parents, we will need to have some hard, very honest conversations with them.

Here's William Smith. One of the skills that I think that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them. This is what I think I see when you interact with me like this, when you use those words, when you have that tone, when you look at the floor instead of looking at me. This is how I feel when you do that. I'm not saying that that's your intention. I'm not saying that that's even a correct perception on my part. I'm simply feeding back to you in verbal form. This is what I'm getting from you.

Do you see that? This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. Having conversations with teenagers or even with toddlers and having grace present in those conversations, that doesn't come easy sometimes. We'll talk today about how we can do a better job of bringing grace into our parenting. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. I think we've all had the experience of saying something to each other in marriage or to one of our kids, and at the moment we're saying it, we're thinking, how do I pull these words back and undo what I am doing in this moment? Because we recognize as we say it, this is wrong. Are you thinking of a story, Bob?

I don't have a specific one in mind. I just know there have been those times where even in the midst of the words, I'm just going, I shouldn't be saying it this way. These words are going to do more harm than good. Why are you smiling? Oh, there are so many times that I felt like that. And then I don't know if guys do this, but I know women do this. And then we go to bed at night and those words just keep cascading over our minds and our hearts.

We're so convicted. And our kids used to make fun of me because I would profusely apologize for what I had done and confess. She would walk down the hall at two in the morning, wake them up, not kidding, when they were little and say, I'm so sorry what I said earlier today. And they're like, mom, I just want to sleep.

And then I would write them letters and they would all make fun like, hey, did you guys get a letter from mom last night of saying how wonderful they are and how I was so sorry and I didn't mean to say. So this kind of ties in with the conversation I had with Marianne this morning. I come down in the kitchen and she is making three bean chili and she's got six containers for the freezer of three bean chili.

And I said, are we storing up for the winter or what are we doing? And she said, I'm taking these next week when I go visit the kids and going to give them to the kids. And then she said, and I'm just wondering if they're getting this chili and thinking, I wish mom would quit making this chili for us, but they just don't have the heart to tell me to stop making the chili. And then she looked at me and she said, you've never thought anything like that, have you? Oh dear. Have you? I really haven't. No, I just do it and move on.

Dave too, he goes to bed at night and he sleeps. So wonderful gift. I don't know if it's a gender based difference or what, but all of us have had words we've regretted either in the moment. Some of us can get, get over it more easily than some of us can. Bill Smith is joining us this week on Family Life Today. And we're talking about the power of words and about how words of grace in parenting matter. In fact, Bill's written a book called Parenting with Words of Grace. And why this book, why this theme? I mean, why, why did you say this is the book I need to write for other parents? What was on your heart with that? Really wanted to see people develop relationships with their kids and have some real tools that they could use to do that. But I also wanted tools that were gospel infused so that they were driven by the gospel, by a reliance on the Lord, by confidence that God is much more involved in my life than I actually give him credit for. But it's not mystical.

It actually happens in real time and space. Bill is a pastor in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He is a counselor and of course, an author and a speaker. You shared with us earlier that in your pastoral ministry, you've seen parents who've had parents come to you and say, we don't know how to have a solid relationship with our kids. We don't know how we don't know where to begin with that. Yeah, and I don't think those parents are unusual. I think a lot of us just assume, well, you have kids and you feed them, you water them and you go on.

You discover very quickly, no, that's not the case. Well, it's interesting. I mean, your title, you could pick that up and say, well, this is a book that tells parents to only speak flowery, wonderful, sunshiny words, you know, words of grace.

And obviously that's true, but not, that isn't the only thing. I mean, you even mentioned there, and I know I've said this many times, probably a lot of parents when you're watching American Idol, you know, and they're doing the, you know, the trials at the beginning and you're like, this person cannot sing. How in the world did their mom or dad not tell them? You just want to go because they're like, my mom told me I'm a great singer. Like your mom lied.

Are you kidding me? But you're thinking, okay, were they just a parent that only did grace and there was no truth, you know? So is it just about giving grace or what's the balance? So Jesus speaks and the people marvel at the gracious words that come from him.

That was the thing that marked him. When you heard Jesus talk, you got this sense of what it was like to be in the presence of a gracious God. And he says things like, get behind me, Satan. You sort of shake your head and you think, okay, somehow in God's understanding that fits within grace. Well, when Satan is tempting you, it is gracious to say, no, stop.

You will not do that anymore. And so I think we have a misnomer. We equate grace with niceness and discipline with nastiness.

And no, it's not the case. Grace is very different. The whole book of Proverbs just talks about two people, right? The wise man and the fool, you all know this.

And who's the wise person? There's someone who you get to understand by what comes out of their life. And a lot of it is communication. They're thoughtful, they're considerate. They think about the impact that their words might have on other people. The full meanwhile is a person who shoots their mouth off. There is no filter between their brain and their mouth. Whatever they're thinking comes out of their mouth and just sort of blows things up. Gracious words are thoughtful and they're considered, which I think is a bit of a rebuke to our culture, which values the soundbite and the snappy repartee and the back and forth and the thoughtlessness.

I think social media sort of helps push us in that direction. You come into the scriptures and realize, no, God has a very different way of communicating. And actually his way builds connection and relationship without being sugary. Well, it is interesting that you differentiated between, you know, graceful words sometimes maybe come across harsh. You know, for that mom or dad to not tell their son or daughter, you really don't have a gift of singing. That's grace. Yes, it is.

Because it's the truth. I mean, it sounds like, oh, you would never say that to anybody. No, that's a very graceful thing to say. You have other gifts.

They're incredible. This one's not one. I know that's hard for you to hear, son or daughter, but I'm being honest. And if you don't believe me, ask three other people. And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I think you're going to hear the same answer, right?

And why would you do that? You're trying to help them live as well as they possibly can in the world that God has made for them. Part of which is the gifts that he's given. And, okay, you're saying, yeah, it doesn't matter whether you really want to be a great singer.

That's just not one of the ones that you were handed. And it's interesting. You have, toward the back of your book, you have the skill of encouragement and the skill of honesty. I'd love to talk about that because I think our natural bent as a person is we're critical. That comes easy to most of us.

Am I right? I mean, you can see things and you speak about that maybe are critical or negative. To be an encourager and to have a skill of that, that my spouse, my kids, my neighbor would think, I want to be around Dave because when I'm around Dave, I feel encouraged.

Man, I don't know if anybody's ever felt that from me. So talk about this skill because it isn't just an attitude. It's an actual skill.

It is. And the reason that those two skills are in there is I'm learning from Ephesians 4.15, where Paul talks about speaking the truth in love. And right before then, he says, look, yeah, there's two options. You can be this immature wave of the sea that's just tossed to and fro by the wind. You can be at the mercy of all kinds of foolish teaching.

Or you can be mature. Which one would you like? Door B, please. Yeah. Okay, how do you get there?

Well, your options are what? Scripture, Holy Spirit, prayer. No, it's speaking the truth in love. Now, all those others are true and they're true in other parts of scripture. But in this one, it's honest, truthful conversations with other brothers and sisters, i.e. also your parents. That's how we develop maturity. So you think, okay, that's an interesting combination, truth and love.

Why those two? Because if you don't have both of them, you don't have either. And we've all had that experience. Someone has spoken accurately about us. But because they didn't really care for us, it came across as criticism, as you said, Dave, or sarcasm. It was, put truth in quotes, it was truth that tears people down. Or we've had the experience on the other side, maybe, Ann, a little bit more what you were referring to, of someone who was sensitive and kind and didn't want to be hurtful. And so they pulled back, they didn't say things that were as truthful as they needed to be.

That was a conversational style that kept someone weak. And you realize that if you don't marry truth and love, you don't have either. So what is encouragement?

Encouragement is for those of us who are a little more critical. How do we learn to speak truth in a way that builds people up? Honesty is for those of us who tend to pull our punches. How do we learn to have a love that makes people strong by being more truthful? And I was thinking about this verse recently and looking at it in that context of being tossed to and fro by every wind and wave of doctrine. And I thought, sometimes I'll hear people say, we need to speak the truth and love. And what they imagine the truth is, is my opinion.

That's a good point. Because this is how I think, I need to express how I think and do it in love. Well, I don't think that's what the Bible is saying. Speaking the truth in love is, here's what God says. I think it can also be, here are the facts about how this makes me feel, or here are the facts about what this is doing to our relationship. But speaking the truth in love is not my subjective sense of what's right or wrong or true or not in this relationship. It's got to come back to speaking the truth as God sees it. This requires us to make sure that we're speaking the truth and not just saying, well, because I think it, it's true.

I just need to wrap it with some love around it. Do you have an example of that? No, I don't. I was just aware of the fact that sometimes people will pull out, this is true because it's true to me. And there may be some factual basis. So a wife could say to her husband, when you said that, this is how it made me feel.

That's true. But when a wife says, you need to know, you are a critical person. That's her subjective analysis of how she sees him. That's not necessarily true just because she thinks it.

Ooh, let's talk to the counselor now. How could she have said that? So you want a hypothetical response to a hypothetical situation? Well, let me ask you this.

Sounds like premarital counseling. Well, I'll give you another example that you can say, is this right or not? If somebody says you're a critical person, my first thought would be that might be true. I need to ask three other people that know me well. And if they all three go, you are a critical person.

And I go, okay, show me what that looks like. I'd have to go, I think that's true. You always want to check what someone says, right? Otherwise you've replaced God with them and you've allowed that person to be the voice in your world. So yes, but would I urge a wife to say you're a critical person? That might be a little strong until we both agree that that's actually the case. Yeah, if a wife says you need to know that sometimes you come across as a critical person, what you're trying to say is received by others as having a critical spirit. That now is true because she's been on the other side of that, and that's different than saying you're a critical person. Does that make sense?

As long as she's willing to consider that perhaps she reads something that he's doing as critical when it's not. Yes, exactly. So I feel this way is a valid statement. Whether or not that feeling actually has a grounding in reality, that's a different question. It feels accusatory too when you say to someone, you are. Yes. And so it puts you on the defense.

Right. I'm wondering, is this a conversation as we're talking about truth and love, is this a conversation we could have with our spouse to ask them about ourselves or to even ask our kids, would that be a dangerous place to go? But if I ask Dave, do you feel like I give you truth in love, am I more critical?

Do you feel like I'm encouraging you? Is that a question I could ask in our marriage or even ask a teenage son or daughter? Like, hey, you guys, I'm wondering to one of our kids, do you feel like I come across as being critical or constantly telling you the truth too much?

Or do you see me on the you're so loving, mom, you never tell the truth? I'm not even sure teenagers can maybe answer that, but is that a question at least for a spouse? I like the question from a spouse. I like the question for kids. I might lead a little bit less.

What do you mean? How do you experience me rather than telling them how they yes or no? Because I'm afraid that if I say, do you feel like I'm too critical?

Now I'm probably going to hear that for the next three months. But if I ask, what's it like to live with me? How do you feel around me? Where are the things that I am helpful to you in?

Where are the places where I'm not helpful? I like open-ended much more than closed-ended. That's good.

And I tell you what, I think if a person isn't willing to ask that question, that's a critical sign of pride. I mean, there's part of me that wants to go, hey, just deal with me, man. This is what you got. You married me.

If you don't like it, it's too bad. But to have the humility to go, how do I come across? What's it like being married to me? What's it like being my son and being willing to say, okay, God, I'm expecting you to speak to me through them? That's humble. It's humble and it's a critical part of being honest with someone. One of the skills that I think that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them.

This is what I think I see. When you interact with me like this, when you use those words, when you have that tone, when you look at the floor instead of looking at me, this is how I experience that. This is how I feel when you do that. I'm not saying that that's your intention. I'm not saying that that's even a correct perception on my part. I'm simply feeding back to you in verbal form. This is what I'm getting from you. Do you see that?

Am I missing that? If I've got the humility to ask, am I missing, I think that's a valid place to go. Yeah, we had a small group of guys years ago that we were together 20 years almost. Raised our kids together. It's just a beautiful, and I'm still obviously friends with all of them, but we had a monthly meeting. We didn't do the weekly thing. We did once a month almost all night. We'd show up at one of the guys' houses.

We'd have dinner together and spend until midnight. One year, one of our guys decided, hey, this year or the next six months, I think we should do this. We're like, what's that? Let's speak into each other truth about their blind spots.

We're like, what do you mean? Let's pick Bob. Bob, it'll be your night. We're going to send Bob out of the room. We're all going to discuss Bob's blind spots, bring him back in. Then because it's not just one of us, it's seven of us, we're going to go, Bob, we love you. Here's what we appreciate about you, but here's three blind spots that we identified, and let's talk them through. We go, okay, that sounds like fun.

We'll do two or three guys a night. Well, it ended up being one guy a night because that's how long it took. I'll never forget when they got to me.

It actually was pretty beautiful how it worked. When they got to me, I remember that I went into the kitchen. I was at one of my buddy's house, and I'm in there like 15, 20. Then I'm like, whoa, this is the longest anybody's been out of that room.

I'm like, my blind spots must be like 20. Then you come back in. It's like you're on the hot seat. I tell you what, it sounds like a horrible experience. It actually was very helpful because it was honest, but it was encouraging.

By the end of the night, you're like, really? Because you all agreed on this. They did it very lovingly.

It was truth in love. Then you got to go, okay, I'm not going to be defensive because I look like an idiot right now. I've got seven guys agreeing on this, and they talked about it.

Help me understand. How do you experience what you just told me in this group? They all would go, oh, this, and you're like, wow. It was actually a really good thing. I'm not saying that this is a model for small groups, but looking back on that, one of the things they said to me, I was waiting for Bob to go, what did they tell you, Dave?

One of the things was so interesting. They said, yeah, you got good ball and bad ball. I'm like, what? They said, when you compete, you judge people. Athletic, not athletic.

They call it good ball, basketball, or bad basketball. You don't want to play with guys that can't play. You're like, if you're not at this level, again, look at me.

I'm not some NBA player. It's like there's a sense that, oh, Dave, you're not worthy because you're not in the level of being able to play at that thing. They're like, that's not good.

I mean, we want to compete, but you want to have fun and you want to enjoy it, but there's always this sense that Dave wants it to be. I was like, thank you for that gift because I know I've done that to people. It's like they walk into court and I don't say anything, but I'm like, oh no, he's on my team.

Don't pass into ball. You know, it's just terrible to think that people would experience me that way. So that was just one of, I'm not going to tell you the other ones, but that was just one that was like, thank you for that gift. So again, I'm looking at a counselor saying, was that a bad idea or was that a good idea? So how long had the group been meeting before you chose to do that?

15, 18 years. So what you had was a group of guys who were committed to each other, who knew that they were committed to each other. So the ground of that was love, that trusted. Without that trust that you guys have my back, and the only reason that you would say anything is because you want me to be better than I already am. Without that kind of trust, what you're describing I think would blow up. But having that kind of trust is huge. Having that kind of trust with, so let's translate it into family, with your spouse and giving them permission to say, yeah, these areas are pretty nice.

These areas could use a little work. We have one of our kids who, well, all of them actually are pretty gifted at helping me see me. But you've allowed them to do that.

I want that. Because what do I know? I know that I am deceived by sin. I know that I deceive me first before I ever try to deceive anybody else.

Because in whatever I'm thinking to do, I'm thinking that's going to work out great. And the first blindness is in here. I can't see that on my own.

I need the gift of the people of God, and I need the gift of the people that God has placed around me, whether they're the people of God or not, to help me see those things. I tell you, one of the beautiful things about that was if you got defensive, when your brothers who love you are honestly, tenderly speaking, true to you, if you got defensive, it was very easy to see. It's like, what's going on right now?

Nobody's getting defensive, but you are. And they'll be like, wow, you're right. And we all do it. You know, it's like, wait a minute, I'm not.

And then when you look across the room, you're like, how can I be not agreeing because they're all in agreement and they're doing it so well, you know? We did the same thing with the wives of all those guys, because the women were together the same amount of time. And we didn't have three blind spots.

We said, we'll limit it to one. And we were petrified. But it was interesting. It went really well, except for one woman who had only been in the group three years. She didn't know us. She didn't trust us as much. And so she was very defensive. And now it makes sense, of course. She didn't know that she could trust us.

We hadn't been in her life long enough to be able to love her well. So I do think you have to be careful. And we're back full circle to where we started this whole conversation. The power of the relationship, the love and trust dynamic in a relationship, when that's in place, truth can go across that bridge. If parents and kids are colliding when it comes to these kinds of conversations, you have to pull back and say, is the foundation of love and trust understood and realized and experienced? Do my kids know how much I love them?

Do my kids know that they can trust me? And do they have that foundation so that in the moment I can say things that are true and they can hear them without feeling fearful, without feeling less than, all of those things. This is what's at the heart of your book.

It is. And one of the things that I think is really central to that is the confidence that God is involved and God is in the middle of all of that, that the gospel does not ever enter anyone's world when we're doing well. The gospel doesn't come to us when we're plus 30.

It's always minus 50. And the gospel is really good there. It's really comfortable at rescuing us. And when we have invested ourselves in our kids in ways that have not been healthy, the gospel is still there and hope is still there.

Yeah. And I would, I would, you know, when you think about the gospel in our own lives, obviously it points out sin. It has to. But then it resurrects it. It gives life.

It redeems us from the pit. And so I would think, man, as a parent, especially of a teenager, I'd love to ask my teenage son or daughter, what's the ratio you get from me? Build up, torn down. You know, wouldn't it be a great question to think I, of course, there's gotta be times when I speak truth and they hear critical truth.

But man, I would want my teenager to say, dad, most of the time I feel encouraged. I feel build up. I want them because they're going to run to that relationship. They're going to repel from that. They're always going to feel like he's safe. She's safe.

I want to go there because everywhere else they're getting torn down. I want to be able to speak the truth at times, but I want them to be running as a magnet to encouragement because that's what encouragement does. And that's what Jesus does. And if they know that you're for them, you can speak, I'll use your words, critical truth in a way that they go thank you because they receive it as love. And they recognize this is the only reason that you went out of your way to say this right now is for my benefit.

You're getting nothing out of this. Let's say parents have listened and they thought, well, I have really failed at this. Give us next steps to help them to kind of build that relationship back with their kids. So number one, hope is essential and the hope comes because God has not failed and God has not quit and he's not given up. Second, you have a redeemer who has paid for every wrong word that you have ever spoken and therefore you can trust his words to you when he comes to you. Third, I think you have to start with what can I do to reach out to my child to help them believe that I actually am for them, not against them? What are the pieces that I can do to build that trust when I've worked very hard to tear that trust apart and to believe, okay, maybe it doesn't happen in four years, five years, six years. I'm not called to success, I'm called to be responsible for what I can do, which is let me offer you a taste of someone that actually would be good for you to know. And the good news is if the bridge goes out, it can be repaired.

It really can. It's very critical for me, necessary for me to know and believe that once Jesus rises from the dead, nothing has to remain the same in my life. This has been good. Thank you for the time. Thanks for the book.

Thanks for coaching us and helping us remember how powerful our words are. And I'm thinking of Peter Parker. With great power comes great responsibility. That's Spider-Man for those of you. Peter Parker on Family Life Today.

Never thought we'd be there. Bill, thank you. It's been my privilege.

Thank you, guys. We've got copies of Bill's book, Parenting with Words of Grace, on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. Order the book when you go online, or if it's easier, call us to order. 1-800-FL today is the number. Again, our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to get a copy of William Smith's book, Parenting with Words of Grace.

Call 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word today. Now, this seems almost crazy to think about, but three weeks from today, it will be 2021.

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