This episode is supported in part by the Christian Standard Bible, a translation designed to be faithful to the original text and clear for everyday readers. And we're just grateful for their partnership in helping bring gospel-centered content to families like yours. And to learn more about the CSB, visit csbible.com. Hi. I never yell at my kids.
I get to day 11 and say, son, tell me what's the matter, you know, and be able to look in your eyes. And they will tell you, because you're not threatening. but also you're in a posture of I'm here. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.
And I'm Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life today.
So we have Peter Mutabazi back with us today. He likes saying that word. I think you like saying it. I think it's cool. I should have written a song.
Mudabasi. Mudabasi. Anyway, he's going to give us some tips on parenting. Foster parenting, he's really good and his story is so unique. And I just needed it as a reminder of Calming down.
Yeah, you're going to learn a lot of lessons on how to be a good parent today.
So let's go. Looking at some of these lessons. Yeah. I mean, I we could do any and all of these, but how about Parenting will expose Your scars. Oh, yes.
What does that mean?
Well, it means that we all have, even those who had the best family, you know, so think about if you had the best family background. That's who you are. You're treated well. If things went wrong, things were done so well. But now you're paying a child that is the opposite of where you come from.
Well, the way it triggers is because your expectation of how you should be treated is what you're going to bring to the child. My mother will never talk to me that way. No one has ever talked to me.
Well, you bring. Open the scar of your well childhood bringing.
Now you're bringing because someone messed it up.
So you are bringing your. Your other is triggering the behaviors of this child rather than being aware like looking at your past and always say, what am I going to bring in my child? From my childhood, in my parenting style.
So, being aware of that at all times, it really helps you.
Sometimes we parents will get angry, but if you could pause yourself and say, but why am I angry? No. Why? When this child says this word, why did he tick me off? You know, or when I asked this kid to do something, but they didn't, why?
Why did I feel that way? And when you go back, you get to know, hmm, there's a scar, there's a wound. And so, for us as parents, when we step back and say, why does that push my button? And it really helps you to kind of really go back and heal yourself in those places, or really deal with yourself first.
So, did you find any of those? Ooh, every tell me everything because I'm sitting there thinking, you had a horrible background. Correct. You went to school, but I don't know if you had a chance to heal some of your wounds.
So when they popped up or flared up by somebody's. Behavior, what did you do that with that? And what should a parent do with that? I mean, for me, it's even as simple as throwing the food. You feed the kids, they eat half and throw it away.
To me, remember, I come from a no food, like you're throwing out food. Like, are you serious? Yeah. Did you do the But your mom did. You are not leaving the table until all that food is, and you literally sat there.
Or some kids, they will say, you know, you know, kids in Africa are starving. Oh, yeah. Right, right. You can ship it to them. And you could say, I was starving.
But for me, being aware of that, of West that I did not have, like to this day, I get to remind myself, Peter, you grew up. With lack of food. My child did not.
So I should not expect my child to have the same feeling or the same attitude as I have towards food.
So that helps me. It helps me to step back. Yeah, sure, you didn't finish fine. Otherwise, the next thing I'll say, you put in the fridge, you eat it later. Or Be a little snippy towards my child because, hey, you didn't finish your food.
Sit there. But by me being aware, it's the whole thing, you being aware and attending to that awareness. It helps you to step back and be there for your child.
So for me, yeah, it doesn't bother me if they don't finish food. Absolutely. How important is it to get on the knee, get there? Level. Meet them where they're at.
And meeting them, you know, meeting where they're children isn't just by the words or even level. You know, I never yell at my kids. I get to their level and say, son, tell me what's the matter, you know? And be able to look in your eyes. And they will tell you because you're not threatening, but also you're in a posture of.
I'm here. That's good. I remember years ago, 40 years ago, a teacher named Gary Smalley. His son now, Greg, is uh with focus on the family. But Gary Smalley talked about when you're in marriage, and this would be parenting as well: when you are dealing with a spouse or a son or daughter that has what he called a closed spirit, their spirit is closed up, they're not responding to you, they're turning away from you, they feel they've been hurt by you, or something's happened in your, let's say, in your marriage.
He said the first step to opening a, and he'd use his hand like this, to opening a closed spirit. He said get low. Get below them. If they're sitting in a chair, get on the floor. If they're...
You know, just if you're going to approach your wife and you want to open her spirit to talk. Don't stand above, don't be powerful, be humble. That's what you did. I mean, it's the same with a child. It's like it says to them, you're really important.
You're so important. I'm lowering myself to your eye level to see you. And sort of open your soul. And that's what you did. Absolutely.
And you're moving authority, being authoritative. You're just coming to, you know, I'm here with you, you know? And somehow it works. They always feel safe. They always feel anyway.
Husbands, that was for free. That one was for free. Try that today. And with your teenagers, when they're powering up. I remember when we, our first son, when he would power up, I would be right there with him, man.
I'm short, but I'll power up big. The first time I walked in and she says, You want to go? You want to go? I'm like, What is happening? I didn't meet physically.
I just meant, you want to talk about this? Yeah. But yes, I get riled up. And I should have been asking myself the question. Why do I do that?
And I think as parents, whether we're fostering, adopting, whatever, any kind of parent, step parents, we should be asking ourselves, why did that trigger me? Why do I want to respond in this certain way instead of getting low? I get even bigger. And I think the stories that you've shared, each one has just made me cry because it's not about the behavior, it's about what's going on inside that has happened. And I think our kids hold on to so much trauma, they hold on to so much stress and anxiety, even at school, all of our kids, and we're so.
Bent on looking at what they are or aren't doing, or how well they're doing in school or not, or obeying or not. And to get underneath the surface. I just love how you you put your head on your on your hand and you say What's going on? I love you. I'm with you.
If my parents would have done that when I was little, I'd probably just cried on the spot and spilled my guts.
Well, I know all these things are happening. It always works. Does it? My daughter, yeah, they were like, oh, okay, okay. And he's the other part.
This is more to divorced farmers. Kids who are living from one end to the other. Here's what I would like to say. It's easy to have our kids come from the other family and come home, and you get to see the attitude. And you take it passing and say, How dare that?
Yeah. You know, how dare it's easy to project, it's easy to bring our feelings to what our kids are going through. But sometimes it's good to step back and say, you know, my kid is wherever they're coming from, the other family, I have no idea. And no career. I wasn't there.
I wasn't there. And I'm going to step back and not be involved by letting my child just be. And here's the thing, we are the safest place they can be. Let's not make it a place where they feel unsafe. By bringing our past, but also by the attitude of not listening, really coming along and saying, Validear, I know what you're feeling.
How can I be of help? I'm here to listen. When you're ready, you know? How do you do that though? You have six kids.
How are you doing that with all these kids? Each differently, you know?
So I have two that do visitation. That means every Tuesday, On Thursday, there are different behaviors at home. Because these kids just went, saw mom, and they came back with different behavior. Or sometimes mom didn't show up. That's a whole different behavior.
So you get to learn. What triggers them, or what mood they're in, or what really caused the whole thing. The empathy helps us to really get to see each other individually because we get to understand the why. Here's what I've learned. My kids will fuel or spill out because I am the safest place for them to be.
But they won't do it somewhere else at school.
So don't take it personally in my home. Also, no, like actually Sometimes those behaviors we see or the outrage. Is a sign of safety. It's a sign of I'm in a safe place, I can truly let my feelings out.
So sometimes it's a positive way, that we get to let them. But we get to hear them too in a way. But it's never really about us. We need to have your kids come on next time. I know.
That'd be fun. I would literally love to hear their perspective on everything you're saying because it would be cool to hear it from their side.
Well, I'm still stuck on the your kids come home and they vent because this is the safest place. Talk to the parents. Who that just like was a light bulb. Like my kids come home, my teachers say they're incredible. They're so great at school.
And then they come home and I'm like, who are these children? They're terrible. How could the teacher say that? You're saying maybe this is the safe place that they can let all the emotions out. It's not even a maybe, it's the fact.
It's the fact.
So, so. You two are married. Most time, you vent properly when you had an attitude with someone over there once you come to him. Right, for sure. Because he's your safest place and the person you can let out what you're feeling.
But you wouldn't do it the other end.
So why do we feel the children cannot do the same? Because they're mean when they do it and they don't say, I had this terrible day and this teacher was mean. Absolutely. But you're supposed to be the mature one. Exactly.
You are supposed to be. Remember, you're supposed to be the one. Come down, meet your child where they're at. No, it's not their responsibility to come down. It is us as parents.
And we get to help them. You know, I've had teachers who will say, we get to have kids and you call the parent and the parent shows up. You're like, oh, now I get that.
Now I get that. And we don't want to be that parent. On the other side, we want to be the other parent where my child comes and says, it's at home where I can do that because I feel safe. And I feel comfortable. And sometimes they are yelling for help.
They're yelling for help. I mean, you come across pretty calm and collected. Do you ever lose it? No, I never lose it. I never lose it because I saw how my feelings are.
You really don't? Nope.
Sometimes it's even a problem. People are like, we can never tell where you are. Because you're so calm.
So calm. And that's because of your dad, you think? Yes. I learned the behaviors. Do not let the behaviors decide what you're going to do or say.
Also, my mom would always say, 10% happened to you. 90% is how you respond to that 10%. That really helped me like how I respond, that have control. Yeah. But also, that is my decision.
But what happened to me was small in a way that has helped me to. I don't know, just be calm and. And listen, I never had an opportunity to be hard as a kid. My one tool right now, my one tool in life is to listen to others, to let others tell you what they feel, to let others, in whatever way it feels, it comes, to really lead them to. Because I could never say even.
Can I have water? I could never say I'm tired. I could never say I don't know. If my dad said, where's my socks? If I said, I don't know.
I got beatings. If I said I know, but I don't know, I'm going to get beatings.
So there wasn't any way I could win in some way. And so for me, it became a tool to friends, to people I work with. Let let them be. And listen, you know, and there's a humbling sense when you listen to others, even when you don't like it, you know, they're able to listen and hear. to find the best way to.
A lot of couples are giving marriage whatever time and energy is left after work. Kids and everything else, and it's starting to take a toll. I bet a lot of you can relate to that. I can. And many are growing spiritually as individuals.
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Let me tell you, strong families don't happen by accident.
Sometimes all it takes is one intentional step to help couples reconnect again. Your dad. pounded you with Lies and things about your character and who you were constantly. How did you get that out of your head?
Well, so it even became because trick even became worse because even that's how the other people treated you.
So you had it from both ends. Yes. And I believed it. Like I believed it every word that I was stupid, it would never amount to anything at all. It's until this stranger, this guy, I don't know why, but his unconditional love, he never shared with me the gospel.
He always showed up. He always showed up. Always by him showing up all the time, and for me to come from. Living in the garbage in the sewer, being abusive every night, for someone to see the best in me and put him in a school, like I felt like. There was nothing in me, nothing good at all that I deserved to be where I was put, you know?
And that's really what really helped me that I was worthy. You know, I never had words of affirmation until I moved with this family. Like, Peter, you matter. And sometimes I'll say, what does that mean? And they say, you're special as my kids are.
Or sometimes you'll say, you're a gift to us. And I'm saying, but how can I be a gift? I'm a burden to you. And they'll say, Peter, You show me how God loves me by you allowing to be in our lives, you know? And those are the things that truly began to change my life, like helped me understand that I was worthy.
I don't know if I shared with you last time I was here. There's one thing he did to this day that I still remember.
So in Africa, most people didn't have cards during my time. And now there's lots of them. But usually the man drives and the wife sits in the on the other seat and the kids in the middle and then everyone else in the back.
So this day, the wife was not there. And so he looked at me and said, Peter, you can sit in Cecia's seat. I said, No, I can't sit there. I'm not worthy sitting there. And then he looked at me and said, Peter.
You're worse. You matter. You can sit there. And that's all that it took. That's all it took that I could sit in the seat of his wife.
To him, it was just a seat for sure. But for me, I never thought I was worthy sitting in places where he put me. And that really helped me to build my Myself to know that really, truly God loves me no matter what. And that is what has helped me to excel, to really remove the sound. And they come sometimes, you know, those sounds of, you know, you never mount anything.
But rather, they became the power to me.
So for me, you say, you can't. It's like a doyo. You know? And challenge myself, but also tell whatever I can in my head to say, no, that's not, that's not true. I can't do it.
I mean, it's amazing to watch you tell that story and just sense the power. of the words of value. on a young boy that ye tear up Damn it. Decades later. You know, and you think even as a parent, when we miss those moments to To reach into our son or daughter's life and say a word like that.
You know, don't miss that moment. Grab it. Whether it's put them in the front seat or just say, you matter. We don't we don't think they may talk about that thirty years from now. You know, 'cause it's that powerful that God has given us his voice to say, I can say to my son or daughter or to a boy off the street, Something God is saying to him every day, and he doesn't know it.
I get to be the voice of God to them. That's powerful.
Well, and I can't stop crying. Because I look at you and I talk to so many parents that have lost hope for their kids because their kids are struggling so much. Because they feel like as a parent they have failed their child or they've yelled or they've said mean things. And I look at you and I think Look how God Always had his hand on you. He was always calling your name.
He used another person. To show himself to you, but we get to do that. And I think, as parents, it's never too late. Never too late to stop praying for your kids, to apologize to our kids for the things that we have maybe lacked or done or not done. Also, the other thing I'm thinking is all these kids that are in foster care.
That have been abused, that have been forgotten, that have so much trauma in their lives. And we as a church and a people Can step into some of these roles that are really hard, but now there's a book that can help them. Yes. Talk to those people of of just maybe somebody's on the fence like should we do foster care? Should we enter into that?
It sounds like it's rough. I mean, the honesty. It is rough. But he's where I find the posture. My Jesus didn't come on earth and lived a comfortable life, pursue the comfortable life.
that he lived a life. That was exemplary. But also, too, that he's taught us that we suffer for him. We love him. And that's what it takes to be a forced parent or an adaptive parent.
It's not easy, you know? But it's worth it. Why? Because we're doing it for Jesus, not for our kids or ourselves, and for me as an American now. In my work as an American, they always tell me convenience.
You know, are you saving money so you retire?
Well, like the happy, easy life is kind of what I'm. Counted all the time, you know. But looking in the Bible, that's not the life, the journey that God is calling. You know, sacrifice means uncomfortable. A sacrifice means things you don't like.
Sacrifice means loving the people that don't look like you, don't act like you, have zero background like you. That is what sacrifice is. And if we are willing to follow that and and love on our kids, One day we get to meet Jesus and say, You gave me an extra bedroom. This is what I use it for. You gave me a good job.
I got to make money. This is what I use it for. You raised me in a good family.
Now I get to be the opposite to the child who never had a family. Good, faithful. I had a difficult childhood, girl, but look, you change me, and I get to be the. The vessel for those who have gone through because I understand it. Good and faithful servant.
Here's what is asking us, not simple things. No easy things, no things that will incorporate, yes, it's things that will incur in our lives that we got to sacrifice for. And that's parenting, and that's loving, and that's being there for our kids. And that's what False Care is, truly. It's a temporary journey saying, God, these parents are struggling, but I'm willing to step in for those you love the most, to be there for them.
as their mum and dad figure their lives. And if that doesn't come to the end. I want to be their dad, their mom, as much as I can go. And if there are some ladies and men who are not married yet, but they are waiting for that special one. For me, yes, I want to get married.
But also, I've chosen to say, while I'm waiting, I'm going to be there for. These kids. I've had my kids, they've never said, I wish we had a mom. They never had the dad. Yeah.
But sometimes God will use us where we are. You know, the tradition says get married. But I think there's also an opportunity to be a mom, a dad, while you're waiting for that opportunity. That's beautiful. It can be also temporarily.
You could be just, you know, foster parenting for a short time, you know. And then down the road, God will bring someone who has a passion and loving that will come alongside what we would like to do in life. I feel like this book is unusual, and we've needed a book like this. Again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All. And other surprising lessons I've learned as a foster dad to more than 40 kids.
By Peter Mutabazi.
Well, I know for Ann and I probably two of the most significant moments in our entire life. where when our sun adopted his two foster boys that he fostered, that were brothers, At two different times, because the second boy came after they told him the birth mother will never have another child. And then they get a call a couple years later and say, she had one, and you've got a couple hours to decide if you're not going to be able to do that. No, it was like 15 minutes to decide. That's why I have three of their siblings.
Yeah. You know? Boom. Yeah. And so, I mean, sitting in that courtroom when the judge said they're a Wilson.
You know, it's just so powerful because, you know, we know the little boys don't know what their life would have been. We know what they would have been. And to see that they have a totally different life, that's us. We are adapted to a brand new life in Jesus, you know? And think about even your family, just like 10 years ago, like that wasn't even somewhere close.
Right, but When we are bidding and winning on how far the Lord will take us, it's not always easy. Right, right. We enjoy that we get to step up for the most vulnerable. And they've made our family so much better and richer. I'm sure.
I saw that picture. Yeah, you saw it. They don't look like us, but they are us. Thank you. Hey, you can come back anytime.
Next time, bring some kids. Oh, please, I will. Maybe my team exists. Do that. Thanks, Peter.
And again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All. That's a good title. It is. It's against everything we've heard. It does not conquer all.
And you can get it at familylife today.com. Click the link in the show notes. I just want to remind our listeners that our vision at Family Life is every home, a godly home. And we need your help to get there. And when you become a Family Life partner, your monthly support makes that vision actually possible.
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Yeah.
