This episode is supported in part by the Christian Standard Bible, a translation designed to be faithful to the original text and clear for everyday readers. We're grateful for their partnership in helping bring gospel-centered content to families like yours. To learn more about the CSB, visit csbible.com. The one parenting tools works for one child, but doesn't work for the other because this child went through different trauma. This one came through different trauma.
This one came at a different time in your marriage life. This one came at a different time in marriage.
So each child is always different. And if we can, Yes, love, on them for sure. But begin with. Love isn't enough that we have to do more for our kids, especially for us as fostering and adaptive parents to love our kids despite of what they go through, despite of the challenges that they have, that we get to be the best parents we can be. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.
I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. All right, welcome to Family Life Today. You know what, Peter?
I love saying your name. You know, last name, you've been saying it for a while.
Well, Peter's one thing. I can say that. But I've been walking around all morning going, Mutabazi. Mutabazi. And you've been out here before, but some of our listeners or watchers don't know your story.
But we're going to talk a little bit about your latest book, Love Does Not Conquer All. And here it is. And other surprising lessons I learned as a foster dad to more than 40 kids. That puts you in a category of most interesting man in the world. What do you mean, a foster dad to 40 kids?
Well, that means you get kids and then you get home and then they get adopted and they send you more. You know, make sure you always have kids at all times. And what's unique is you're a single dad. You're single foster dad. Single.
I'm hoping one day someone on this show might look come and say, that guy. I'm going to go after him.
Well, give us your journey. I mean, last time you were here, you told us. The beginning of your story, which obviously has a lot to do with why you're doing what you're doing. I don't think I cried half the time. That Peter was telling a story because it's so miraculous, it's really unbelievable.
And we'll put a link to that in our show notes so people can go and watch the original long version of your story. Right, you have to tell it again.
Well, in a short version, you know, well, I come from Uganda and grew up poor of the poorest. You know, as a kid, I had to go fetch water three to four miles away. As a kid, I never had one meal a day. As a kid, I never slept on a mattress until I was 16 years old. As a kid, I never had a pair of shoes, I never had a second pair of clothes, only for one to Sunday, and that was it.
And so, for me, there wasn't something in life that showed there was hope for me. At the age of four, I began to realize we're poor, but my father was the most abusive human being you could imagine.
So, on one side, you have poverty, on the other, I mean dad. And how many siblings do you have? I'm the oldest of five, you know. But also, too, the abuse was really difficult because it wasn't coming just towards me, but it was coming towards my mother.
So, I had one parent that loved me, but. Could not protect me or protect my siblings.
So that was life for me.
So at the age of 10, I ran away and became a street kid. And it's on the streets of Kampala that I met a stranger after five years of living on the streets that changed my life. That he saw the best in me that I didn't even know I had. You've got to share just a couple of little stories of this stranger that you met because it's miraculous of just how that encounter. Came about.
Right.
So, as trees, we would always steal and we'll steal food from people who used us. You know, most people on the streets weren't kind.
So, for us, we never associated kindness with something, anything good. If someone was kind, you had to run away because after if it was a woman, they're going to ask for sexual favors. If there's a man, they're going to do something, you know, towards you.
So, kindness was always a way of running for your life.
So, when I followed this man and I wanted to steal from him, you know, he did something unique that nobody else had ever done. He said, Hey, put my food down. And he followed by asking me, Hey, what is your name?
So, I said, My name is Peter, and took a few steps back because I thought he's going to do something.
So, I better be ready to run. But he did not. And so, he fed me for one year. And one day he said, Hey, I got two options for you: I can feed you once a week, or you can go to a school where there's food. And I said, food, I'll go.
You didn't care about the school so much? No, for me, what he said: if you go to school, there'll be three meals. I had never in my entire life had three meals a day.
So for me, I always dreamt that in heaven, like if there's heaven, it's a place you can have three meals. Literally, that's what I thought. I said, and I went, not because I wanted to be anything. To me, I was like, One, he'd been there for me for that long. Two was, there's no place you can have three meals.
So it was more of curiosity. I'm going to check it out. And sure enough, there was food. And that's what changed my life. Tell our listeners too, where did the faith component come in?
Well, the faith came in later, you know.
So he was really kind, and that bothered me. Like, why is this guy so nice? You know, so kind. Did he do that to other boys as well, or just you? Just me.
You know, he would give us enough food to feed about five kids, but also we would always go in the group.
So that is how he would always feed us.
So for me, faith wasn't something that I was wanting to hear about because my father was very, very religious. You know, he was Roman Catholic. I could not believe someone who can pray. And they beat the kids a few minutes later.
So for me, I associated abuse with religion.
So you wanted no part? No part, no part. Because it reminded me of the abuse from my father until this man. took me to his home. And then once he's home, they had a table and the table had food and on that table they put one extra seat and they put my name on it.
A day early. Did he have kids? Yes, he had kids, five kids.
So putting that name on their table, that really gave me a glimpse that you belong, you belong, you know. But also too, he really shared with me the life of Joseph. He had one story he'd always tell me like, Peter, every time I wanted to give, I was like, Peter, what did Joseph do? I'm like, hold up. Why?
Why does that story always have to come? And I had to memorize the words, you know?
So the words were. For what you meant for evil, God used it for good to save a life.
So once they put the name on the table, that gave me a clue of what a family looks like because I didn't have anything to compare what a good father is, what a good family is.
So now they became my ideal. Like, wait a minute, if he has this family, if he cares for them, he went to school.
So then for me, school became important.
So I excelled in school, you know, and that's really how I got to where I am because watching him love his family and also include me in that family is what gave me the zeal to want to go back and do better. in a way.
So after that, where did you go from there?
So then I went to high school, I went to university in Uganda, and then I went to university in England. And that's how I came to the United States as a student.
So you are actually, if I go back, you were a 15-year-old first grader. Yeah, 15 years ago, exactly, yes.
So you started at that age at the beginning. At the beginning. And what didn't matter for me was, I didn't care that these were little. There was food. For me, what kept in school had nothing to do with school.
It's called survival instincts. Food. Food kept coming. I said, okay, I'll stay. You know, I'll stay.
These kids, they can call me whatever they want to call me. But food is coming. And that's how I survived. I mean, there's something there when you think about if we're trying to reach people with the love of God and they have physical needs. Start there.
Correct. Right? You can talk all you want about God. They're probably not able to hear it if they're stomach is empty. You know what I'm saying?
Is there something to that? Because that's what you experienced. Absolutely. And also, as a false parent, it's hard to have a child who's holding food. They're holding food for the only reason is they know there's no food tomorrow.
Like, how do you tell that child God loves you so much when their one worry is no food tomorrow, no food tomorrow?
So anything I gotta gather, I gotta keep. And I think when we meet people's needs, I think they get to be in a place where to feel. This needs taken care of.
Now, what more can I learn? And until people are in that place, then we can hear them. Then they can hear the gospel. But also, too, they get to know their tummies are full, that God loves them in a way that He's providing for them.
So, what happens when you get here?
So, I get here.
So, my first day, I flew from Uganda to Los Angeles. The family that took me in took me for dinner.
So I go to eat and I had never seen that much food in my entire life. Was this the first time in the United States? Yes, my first night.
So I was like, there is so much food. But as I was eating, I noticed there were people who were passing by with buckets of food. These were waiters. You know, so I asked, Hey, where's that food going? And they said, Well, it's going to be thrown away.
And in those moments, I began to not angry, but more of confused about God's love. Like, God, how could you love us? But you could give so much to others to throw away, but others can die for lack of beans and potatoes. Because in my family, we'd lost members of my family for lack of beans and potatoes.
So for me, I think I was really struggling with my faith, watching the food. And wondering, God, how can we love you the same way? Or how can you say you love us the same way? And that's kind of when for me, you know, Psalm 139 just again came back to my head. You know, for the Lord says, you know, before the word is on my tongue, you know, you know, you know, when I stretch, you know, when I rise.
So for David to say, God, you know, every little instinct of my life, I was like, hold on. If this man had 300 wives, is that true? I mean, he had everything you could think of. But in Psalm 139, he does not talk about what he had, but the simple things. That you neatly In my mother's womb.
To me, those words really helped me to know: God loves me not based on the food, but for I'm fearfully and wonderfully mad. Uh You know, as a pastor, I have definitely felt the tension of serving marriages in our church. I mean, it's a passion of ours, and you know, couples aren't falling apart, but they're not really connecting either.
So things can look fine on the surface or on the outside, but there's. Always some drift happening for sure underneath. And you see this as a leader, and you know, marriages need support, but figuring out what to do. Often it can feel overwhelming.
So we've walked with a lot of churches through this and most just need a simple place to start. And we have that for you.
So if you thought about doing a marriage event but didn't want to build it from scratch, this is a great way forward. When you purchase 10 or more workbooks, we'll include the full video study. Just use the code strong families. Did you hear that? Strong families.
That's one word. Yep. Through June 30th. And you can go to familylifetoday.com and click the link in the show notes and just again enter the discount code strong families. Let me tell you, strong families don't happen by accident.
Sometimes all it takes is one intentional step to help couples reconnect again. I would say, if you're a parent listening to this and you haven't taken your kids around the world, just to see how other people are living, it opens their eyes. Because when I've gone and I've come back, I remember I had been in Nepal to.
Some of the villages in Nepal, up on the mountains, where there's, you know, there's nothing. We come in as guests and they were so proud to hand us a boiled egg that they had had. And that was a luxury to have that. And then I remember coming back at Christmas time, going to this mall close to where we live, and it felt.
So terrible to me of our surplus and how we take it for granted. That I had to go home because it just, it's exactly what you said. It's like, oh, this just doesn't make sense and some people are living in such poverty and we have this surplus of things that we don't even need. And I think it's good for kids to understand like. There's a whole world out there that not only need Jesus and the gospel.
But they're they need food and they need provision and they need love and I As we're talking about this, yes, gratitude. Gratitude, that's it. To step back and say, God, you love me. And I cannot believe when you open that closet and you count how many shoes are in there, to stop and say, God, wow, you love me. To go to that pantry, open that fridge and say, Wow, this is good.
And I love encouraging young kids to say, Look back to your mom and dad and say, mom, thank you that I have a meal. Because some kids have nothing to eat or to be grateful for. You know, for us to be so.
So that's why for me, Luke 1248 convicted me. To who much is given, much is required. That I felt I was the wealthiest man on the planet. Did you feel like that really? Oh, yes.
You know, I had it, but then I had an apartment and I had an extra bedroom. You know? What were you doing to make money?
Well, so I was speaking. That's what I could do. Telling your story. Telling my story and speaking and raising funds for kids and also doing, you know, our jobs. Was this through compassion then?
Yes, it was. Compassion ministry. Right.
So then for me, I don't know too much. Like, I felt I was the wealthiest man on the planet.
So one day I am traveling with, you know, some of the pastors in Kenya and there's one pastor holding a picture and he's like, we just got a baby and I love this baby. And I'm like, hold, that child. is black he or white like how does that work and then he's like well explain about false care and as he was explaining that like the light bulb went up like Those are my people. That was me as a little boy, hopeless, not knowing where's my mom, where's my next future? But I didn't know they would allow me to be a false parent.
I travel over the world, I never seen a black person who was adapting in Uganda or in Ethiopia.
So I believed the lie that you have to be married and you have to be Caucasian. Literally, that's what I thought to be a foster parent. You have to be.
So for me, I walked into the false guy. I said, Hey, is there a way you could allow me to mentor teenagers? You know, teenagers who can't hang out with teenagers for an hour. You know, that was my whole goal. I said, Sure, I go in and the social worker looked at me and said, Have you ever thought of being a foster dad?
I said, Uh, yes, but I'm not qualified. I didn't say the other things, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just said, I'm single. Say, Hey, Peter, you can be. Literally, it was on a Monday.
I said, you have to give me papers to sign. to assure me that I can be a false parent. On a Monday, on Thursday, I started licensing class because I knew I had been given so much and I knew I was in a position to love, to provide, but also to the trauma I had gone through that I can really come alongside these kids and say it's going to be okay. But you knew, you felt that in your spirit. This is what I'm supposed to do.
My call. No looking back, no doubting, just this is my call. And that's what I did. And since then, I've had 47. Uh, it's been a roller coaster, I can tell you.
I don't know when it's gonna turn, I don't know when it's gonna go up. It's just a roller coaster. Like, how many are in your house right now? Right now, six. Six, and you've adopted three, so I adopted three, and I'm not post-adopting the other three.
Really?
So, those are never going away. No, and I mean, they might get married, they might, but get older, they're yours. Having children is not easy, having our own bio-children is not easy. Having foster kids who have come in with trauma.
Now we're talking a whole nother level of not easy just because of the trauma they've carried in. And so you have seen a lot. A lot in every shape, form, size. Name it. I've seen it.
I have seen it. I can give you one example.
So I got a six-year-old kid, you know, he needed a home. I said in the morning, he comes in.
So I say, hey, there's a bathroom over there. He goes, uses the bathroom. He does number two. He picks up number two. He smells in the entire room.
No. Yes, in the entire room, you know.
So I'm sitting there, something's smelling wrong. You know? So I walk in and literally it's just everywhere. On the walls. On the walls, you know?
But this kid's just six years old. And he just came into your home like 10 minutes ago. Like, what do you do? How do you respond?
So, for me, the only thing I could think about was: I gotta call social work to pick up this chair. Like, I cannot deal with this. But before I could call the social worker, I needed to put him in a place where he cleaned up, you know?
So, I let him clean up and then I put him in that chair somewhere. I said, You know, I'm not gonna harm you. You're just here, and I wanna make sure you're okay. And the kid looks at me, said, I knew you were gonna do something bad to me.
So I didn't want you to do anything to me. I mean, my heart sunk. My heart sunk right there and then that I realized that someone had touched him in the wrong way. That he was trying to protect himself, like he had nothing to do. With making my house there is a reason behind that.
Absolutely. And I didn't call the social worker, of course. I was like, no, you know, and I had to sit with that little boy and find another way for him to feel safe and to see him really thriving and doing well. You get to know that when we meet children where they are, when we love them as who they are rather than who we want them to be, that we get to be the hands and feet of Jesus, you know, loving his kids, as who they are. No.
what I want them to be has truly been a joy.
So talk about trauma. I know it. I can smell it.
Well, what made you write this book? Literally, Love Does Not Conquer All.
So I wrote that book and I gave that title: Love Does Not Conquer All. For me, who has so many followers?
Sometimes you hear people say, I cannot wait to just have them laugh on them. And you're like, that's fun. Absolutely. But it's the opposite. Mm.
Loving someone who does not even know what love means. Like, how do you translate that? How do you love them constantly when they are rejecting you? Yeah. Even parents with their own bio kids experience this.
Yeah. So for me, I think when I became a force parent, I didn't have tools or someone walk through with me that way.
So I thought with my experience, let me write for people who want to adapt kids, people who want to force, even people who want to have their own kids, that when we learn that we don't transfer or project our own. Self, where we grew up and project on our kids, we get to love on them. We get to see them as different kids. You know, the one parenting tools works for one child, but doesn't work for the other because this child went through different trauma. This one came through different trauma.
This one came at a different time in your marriage life. This one came at a different time in marriage.
So each child is always different. And if we can, Yes, love, on them for sure. But begin with. Love isn't enough, that we have to do more for our kids, especially for us as fostering and adaptive parents, to love our kids despite what they go through, despite the challenges that they have. But we get to be the best parents we can be.
I mean, have you ever gotten to the place of just total exasperation? I was gonna say that, Dave, but they drive me crazy. I mean, the poop on the wall is one thing. I don't know if I could handle it, but even worse, I mean, if you got like, this is driving me crazy. Oh, yes.
Just their outright rebellion and attitude. Oh, yes. But here's for me what works best for me. I thought I was a believer until I became a false friend. Then I realized how far of a faith man I am because I realized that I give that middle finger to Jesus, to God every day, but he does not strike me.
And this is the same attitude I need to have towards my kids. To love them, that's what I signed up for. To love them despite their calling me every word you could think of.
Sometimes I got kids who put holes in my wall and I'm about to say, but we put two more last week. Can we just go somewhere else different?
So I mean they literally kicking or punching the wall. Yes. And what do you do? Usually after that we go for ice cream and then we go have a lobby and they pick up their whatever painting they can to cover the hole. Really?
It's a reminder. Lobby lobby. A reminder. Hey, there's a hole here. Even if it's at knee level.
Yes. So do you really go get ice cream? Yes. So what's going on there? To talk to a human being who's mad, agitated, feeling unseen and hard, it's like talking to a wall.
It does not help at all. I've learned as a first parent to put my kids to the place they can hear me. Is the best place I can be able to parent and help them out.
So for me, an ice cream is another way that chills my child to feel daddy's here. I'm okay. And what I did last minute is not defining what. I am right now. And so, for me as a parent to step back and say, I want to hear you.
And I want to be there for you. And I want to make sure that the focus isn't what you just did, but the focus is what's going on. You know, tell me. And putting them a place where they can hear me, see me is the best way to have that good communication. And sometimes it's the ice cream.
Yeah. That's really smart. And I usually say to parents, especially as you're getting into teenage years, but I think when you're in foster care or adopting a child, the phrase, don't take it personally. Yes. is a big deal.
I know as a parent I took so many things personally. And it wasn't about me.
So most of the time, almost all the time, it was about something they were dealing with. It was about me. That's what it was.
Sometimes it was. It was displaced. But I think that is true that, like, we take it so personally. Like, how could you? But by diffusing it, taking him to ice cream or taking him out to lunch and not making it be about this disrespectful thing, you might get to that later.
But in the moment, you're asking, what's going on? Yeah, you're making sure they are seen and hard and you're validating their feelings. You know, I don't know any child who was ripped out of their home. They were never told why. They brought them to a stranger's home.
For me to expect that she would love me and do that. Doesn't even make sense. That's unreasonable. That sometimes for us as false parents, we get to step back and say, I want to hear my child, but I want to validate what they are feeling. I don't like the way it's coming out of their mouth for sure.
But at the same time, that sense of, I want to hear them, it really helps us. And also removes me from, you know, think about like, I come from a world where if you yelled at me, all I could hear was my father. You know, but it's easy to push the buttons and bring back my childhood trauma. Oh, I can't imagine.
So think about if that raised my brain, well, I'm going to bring my childhood trauma into my parenting style. Yeah. But by me stepping up and say it's not about me, I'm not bringing my father into my child's behavior. Yeah. Wow, it's been a long time since we had Peter on Family Life Today, and I am so glad he's back.
Me too. Like his story, just him reminding us of all that he went through. is pretty Traumatic. I feel so wiped out emotionally. That's amazing what he's doing now.
That's what I mean. I guess it's crazy. God is the God of resurrection. He gives you a new life and a new purpose and. His life is a calling.
The book we've been talking about today is Love Does Not Conquer All and other surprising lessons I learned as a foster dad to more than 40 kids. You can get the book at familylifeetoday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes, and we've got Peter back tomorrow. Let me just say this. We meet a ton of couples who say family life helped them when they needed it the most.
And that's what being a family life partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here. And we'd love for you to join us.
So click the donate button at familylifetoday.com and become a partner today. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a Crew Ministry, 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. Yeah.
