You know, I've realized I'm kind of picky when it comes to Bible translations. Yeah, you are, because you're the guy that underlines half the page and then argues with the footnotes. And I'm a good arguer. But, you know, I care about two things, faithfulness to the original text and just being able to read it without feeling like I'm reading a dictionary. Which is why we're grateful for the support of the Christian Standard Bible.
The CSB was created to be accurate and readable, helping people engage God's word with confidence and clarity. And it's sponsors like the CSB that help make this podcast possible. To learn more, visit csbible.com. Hi. I cannot tell you the number of times standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions in an NFL game over 33 seasons that we get in the fourth quarter.
It's a close game and I would have this thought. Our team does not believe when the game's on the line, we have what it takes to win. And that's the difference between winners and losers is you don't believe it and your self-prophecy comes true. And we don't. And again, I'm not saying the only reason we lost so many games, but I remember in 91 when we went almost one game from the Super Bowl, you could feel the opposite.
It was like, we believe. And I really believe teams that win, they believe it. before they actually do it, and I think it applies to marriage. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.
And I'm Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. Today, we're talking about your mind and how that impacts your marriage. And we've got the mind expert, Ted Lowe.
We can almost see his mind because there's nothing to block us. You know, you're just like me. Our minds are right there because we don't have any here. But anyway, your book, Us in Mind, How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. We've sort of developed this thought, but that's what you discovered, right?
These. How we think impacts everything, especially our marriage. Absolutely. And we've said it a couple of times already, but our thoughts are not our actions are our attitudes, but they lead to both. And that includes how we think about ourselves.
In fact, and we were talking earlier. This chapter almost did not make the book. And it begins with a question: What do you think about yourself? Because it's been such a struggle in my own life. And then I thought, How in the world does this impact marriage?
I knew how it was, but I thought, I think I'm maybe the only one that's got this level of struggle with how I think about myself. In fact, I call him Fred in my head.
Now, how'd you come up with Fred in my head besides that it rhymes? I have no idea. I wish there was an origin story other than randomness, but I don't know. Nacy used to say to me, How are you doing? And I would say, It's tough to be in here.
And so I just gave him a name. And I said, Fred, my head's being a jerk today. And I started realizing and looking at all the research that how you think about yourself. It impacts who you are. It impacts everything, including your marriage.
And for so long, I'd have these thoughts, or Fred would be giving me these thoughts, and I just thought they were true. And they would guide my Life. And despite it all, I was able to get married, have kids, write books, speak. All the while. His voice being louder sometimes than others.
And people say, Is Fred the devil? And I'm like, He's at least a highly compensated employee. I don't know about that, but I do know that his voice is hateful and hurtful to me. It had been even since a little kid. I mean, what did Fred say to you?
And I know Fred is you, but what were you saying to yourself? If people only really knew, because it was really strange. We started doing ministry. I say I went from frat house to church house in weeks. Radical transformation of the Lord, but.
Started as a youth pastor, and next thing I know, I'm working in a large church in California, and we're on stage in front of thousands of people. We're an hour south of Los Angeles, and my wife and I from Alabama are doing all the drama at Saddleback Church with Rick Warren. Two redneck hicks. We were part of this ministry for a while with family life. And you, I remember being at an MCI arena, and there's 14,000 people.
And I remember looking up and seeing their head and all those TVs. And I'm thinking to myself, nobody cares. That wasn't good. Who do you think you are? There's no category.
That he doesn't come after me about in some time and fashion. To get some healing from that, to learn that there's been some exercises and things around for 30 plus years. that have radical results for people. And it has changed my life. It almost makes me a little sad and a little frustrated that nobody's telling our kids this, and no one's telling us this, because it impacts everything, including our marriage.
So what do you do with Fred and the Head?
So there's an exercise that's been around for Again, 30, 40 years, Daniel Amon popularized it called Ants. It's automatic negative thoughts. Pretty much what I did in this book was I just gathered up people way smarter than me and then talked about it in a way that people can understand. The exercise begins with you name your friend. I'd say, if you want to use Fred, I'm sure he's open to franchising.
He is a high-capacity leader. By just naming him, it separates him from you. It's a little bit fun, too. It's like, well, wait a minute. When I hear that it's coming from another voice and not my own, and certainly not God, okay, now I'm going, well, wait a minute.
This is another person.
So that helped tremendously. And then you write down those thoughts. You know, you're never going to be able to pull this off. You're not as good a dad as you think you are. Your wife is frustrated with you.
Whatever those things are, you write those things down. And then there's categories. Like Fred has all kinds of side hustles. He's a fortune teller. This is going to go really, really bad for you.
You guys started this podcast. You know, it's looking really fancy in here. I know they got a new light for bald-headed people, but who knows? It's just one bad tweet away from it all from crashing down. And this guy talking right now could be the guy.
So, fortune teller, it's a mind reader. You'll leave a conversation with somebody. And you'll go, oh, I don't think they liked me. I could tell they didn't. They're probably just having a tough day with tacos, but you make it all about you.
There's the labeling. You are so. Fat. Look what you have done to yourself. Shamer.
He's a shamer. He's a guilter. And then he's also a convincer. Go ahead and do that thing that's going to give you a few moments of relief. Go ahead.
It's fine. Go hide somewhere. Go hide somewhere. In your addiction or you're overeating and you have pleasure. Exit.
You go hide. And then it immediately becomes that, oh, you're never going to be forgiven for that. I started getting so much relief from this because mine used to be after speaking. I'd be walking to the car. It would be.
This was me, too. I can't believe you said X, Y, Z. Because when somebody gives you a microphone for multiple hours, especially when you're wired like me and you wanna be fun, you're gonna say something going, oh, I'm not sure that's a good idea. I usually have Nancy on the front road giving me the, I know where you're headed, don't. But I would go to the car and he would immediately start in.
I can't believe you did that. You didn't prep enough. I don't think people resonated with that. The guy on the third row, I could just tell he did not want to be there. Did you see the guy blinking his eyes?
I think he really wanted to go to sleep. People giving your time and you should have done more. And then all the way home in the airplane, and then for a couple of days afterward, and they now tried to shake it off. This is totally my Fred, too, in terms of speaking over the years, years ago, constant. Yes.
And you go, okay. Don't you think that breaks the heart of God? Because here's the problem: Fred's voice becomes louder than the voice of God. Exactly. That should terrify us from a faith perspective to go.
He went through so much to show us how loved we are, how cherished we are, how worthy we are. And yet we listen to this voice that seems to be destined to just pull our worth. Does that make me a better speaker or a worse speaker? And what's been so profound is doing that after you categorize them, then you say, What would my Abba father say to me? He said, the spirit.
I gave you is not one of that of fear so you live in slave again. And I looked up that word spirit and it's actually lowercase and it means dominant frame of mind. The dominant frame of mind I've given you is not one that lives in fear as a slave again. The spirit I gave you, you received, brought about your adoption into sonship, and by him we cry Abba. In other words, it's not one of fear, it's one of family.
It's one of his family. And you think about Abba Father, the perfect father, not just Abba. That means daddy. A lot of people, they hear that and they go, oh, that's not a good image for me. It's not reverent enough.
It's not reverent.
Well, you blend those two words: the perfect heavenly father. It's the one that we praise. And this one that we see the ocean and throw our heads back and go, wow, I have no place for this. But it's also the intimacy combined. And so I just think about my Abba, who went through so much to have a relationship with me, and then me walk into the car instead of him saying, Hey, bud.
You gave your best. I think that may matter to people. When I knew this had made a difference in my life, we had spoken at this retreat. Fred used to write before I'd speak. He would just be sitting there with me.
Going, you didn't prep enough. You haven't done enough. But there's a picture, and somebody, I didn't know they were taking it. I'm smiling before I'm going up to speak during praise and worship. And it meant so much to me because I thought.
That's a change in my life.
Now here, let me say this. I felt so much relief from this that I thought it was done. I know it sounds ridiculous, I know it does. I thought it was done. And so then the book released and the video series released.
And Fred goes, Look at this, you're so anxious and you know what, this doesn't even work for you and you've just shouted to the world that it does. You know what you've done? You've publicized false hope. And I sat in there for over a month. I've never been more depressed in my life as I was during that going, look what you have done.
You've told them it was easy. You told them they could hit for mama and they cannot. And I was devastated, and I thought, well, maybe I should. Do the Fred exercise again, and I listed forty-seven things. Forty seven things.
And I've learned it's a process. I had to sit down with the Lord this morning and I listed 22 things. Because right before you're going to do something like this, it's when He just comes. after me. And they'd say, How are you doing?
I go, I got to do some Fred work. And then no, when I do, it's going to matter because that's when I can hear ABBA with me again. And it's tender and it's, and I want that for people so badly. Like, I, so many people come up afterwards and tell me, Oh, I've got a Fred. I had a guy that was about 75 years old.
He's a millionaire for sure. Could have been a billionaire. He goes, My friend's been mean to me my whole life. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.
Now, how do you feel? process that in regards to your marriage and maybe even as a dad or a mom. The fret in the head. How does it so? Let's say somebody's leaving work and they've got to go by and they've got to pick up the kids before they get home and meet their spouse.
And on the way to pick up the kids, Fred's going. Ooh, that meeting didn't go so well for you, did it? I could tell so-and-so is frustrated with you. You know, I've heard there's layoffs. If I'm them, it's you.
Swirling around, you pick up the kids. You're exhausted. You see them. You're thinking you're going to not be able to provide for them those kids. And you get home and you see your spouse and you walk in with all those insecure thoughts.
How do you think they're going to receive you at that moment? Are you happy to see them? Are you a good listener? Are you affectionate? No, because you've been hanging out with a jerk all afternoon.
I mean, if we had a friend like that, first of all, we'd get a new friend. But if there was somebody in our life that just constantly did that, the only person that knows what's going to happen in the future is God.
So anybody that's telling you otherwise. Is lying to you. And so, what Nancy's got to experience is somebody that doesn't need her to be God. That doesn't need her to counteract everything Fred says because she can't do that. That's too much pressure for her to counteract.
And she tried, even when she tries. She can't. And so, what she's got to experience is somebody that feels like their love and secure. Therefore, I'm more present with her. I'm more available for her.
She's not worried about me as much. And I'm settled. You know, when you listen to podcasts, you can listen at them at different speeds. Like, here's what I know: there's a personality like me that they are listening at two time until I got on here, and then they had to back it up to 0.75. But I think for me, I was always living life at 1.25, one just.
Always, and I think it's slowned me down. which has made me more present. And this exercise seems so silly that people don't believe it works and they don't even do it. But I think what I found through the whole book, even though there's neuroscience in it, even though there's a lot of research in it, it's what it all boiled down to was simplicity. That this way is really the simplest, cleanest, easiest, purest.
thoughts of your head. Satan's the author of confusion. And the ABBA through this is just like this. I can breathe. I want to go through that whole process, but I'm just going to say.
speaking to women over the years. This is a majority of us that are living in these ugly places. We've been listening to Fred for so long that it's just, it's so normal that we don't even realize that he's been speaking to us for years. And it reminds me of John 10, 10, where Jesus says the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I look at that and I think he starts with us and our minds and in our heads.
And I love that Jesus said, but I have come to give you life and live it to the full. And what I've done actually is I've gotten this dog cage because this is what it felt like for me. I felt like it was in bondage. I'm in bondage to Fred in my head. And so on this, I just did this this week.
I got inside of this dog cage and I said. On stage, he's speaking now. Not in our, not in our family. But I get in this dog cage and I say, I am so tired of being in this cage of listening to the lies of Satan and the past pain of like, you can't do it. You'll never do it.
And you've tried it before and it never works. And I think so many women are saying yes. And Jesus said, I came to set the captive free.
So he opens the door. He says, daughter, come out, son, lift up your head. But I was thinking when you said, Dave, like, how does it affect your family? What happens is, I get so inside my head that my head goes down. And I can't see the people around me because I'm so.
In bondage to Fred. I love the Fred part. It's just easy to talk about that. And so for me, that's been a process too. And I have, I feel like I'm on this mission.
Like, we need to set people free because they don't even know they're in bondage. They've just been living it for so long.
So as I was reading your stuff, like, yes, amen, do it. And Dave, he's lived with it for years. Like, I'd get done speaking. I'd go into hiding. Like, that was awful.
And Dave would get done. And I'd say, How are you so free? How can you be so free? And he goes, I just lay it on the altar. Like, Lord, I did my best.
I'm like, well, I could lay it there and then I'm going to pick it up over and over again. That's such a powerful image. And I think the image that God's put in my head the most is. When I'm praying, I do have a place in my mind to go to. It's a beach that we go to when we live in California when I just really started to fall in love with Jesus.
I just have this image of him having his hands on my face and his forehead to my forehead. And just people listening that struggle with Freddish will say, You're his. He's got you by the face. He's got his forehead in your face. He's just not Fred.
Not Fred. Not Fred. He's so powerless in the light of who Jesus is. Yes. When he puts his hands on your face, like if somebody's listening right now and they're running or whatever, and they've been struggling with Fred Fed.
man or woman, he is Just saying to you to breathe, I've got my hands on your face, I got my forehead to your forehead, I'm looking you in the eyes, and you are mine. And there's nothing you're going to do that's going to make you any less worthy, and there's nothing you can do to make you more worthy. You are loved and worthy. And so, one day when you're old and you are sitting there not able to accomplish anything, that day does not make you any less worthy on your most productive day. I have you, you're mine, you're safe.
And when you hear voices telling you you're ugly, that is not from your Abba Akingaran. T yet. I've learned that for some people, there's a different kind of jerk. It's everybody else's fault and what Fred will do. He'll rob your piece and you can't hear Abe because he's telling you why everybody else is wrong.
That's the other thing about, well, if they just don't listen to you, if they just would do what you would say, if she would only, you know, they look at their spouse and they only see the things and Fred's just sitting there telling you all the negative things. That's a different kind of, but you can even bring that. To Abigail. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just think Just the image of simplicity of our father, we make, oh, life gets so complicated, right?
And he's just, I got you, you're fine, you're fine. I lost my mom when I was 10 years old, and I've been a little bit anxious ever since that someone's going to break my heart that hard again. I felt alone, and I thought, if I'm going to be okay, it's going to be because. I make it okay. And I never want to hear that kind of news again.
And I've heard that news again and it almost knocked me out. And so, even those who've gone through tremendous pain where you feel like if I don't figure all this out. If I don't do all this, then it's not going to be, and it's all going to fall apart. It is an illusion of a control that we've never had. And it's going, you don't have to control this.
You don't have to control this, buddy. I got this. You're fine. And just to feel loved. I just want people to feel loved by him because he loves them so much.
Our vision at Family Life is every home a godly home, and we need your help to get there. And when you become a family life partner, Your monthly support makes that vision actually possible. Yeah, you'll get access to exclusive updates and events and the chance to join our partners only online community. But more than that, you're helping change the future of families.
So the question is, will you come alongside us and alongside families in need? And you can go to FamilyLifetoday.com and read more about it and become a partner. Just click the donate button at the top. And again, you can go to FamilyLifetoday.com. I think we make every decision every day of our life based on these two beliefs, theology, identity.
Theology is what do I believe about God? Identity is what I believe about myself. And when you were just talking to Ted, I was like, oh, there's theology. I have a God who sees me, who loves me, whose forehead is with me. He's with me.
If I have a God who's distant, who's angry, I'm scared. I'm living in fear. But if I have a God who sees me, gets me, he's got me, he's present, he's loving. And my identity is I'm his son. I'm his daughter.
I'm made in his image. Yes, I'm a sinner, but I'm saved by grace. If that's my identity based on my theology, I'm loved by God. I walk in my home. Not thinking I'm an unloving husband, I'm actually a loving husband.
Why? I'm loved and I can love her. I can lead my family. I'm a strong spiritual man. It's like one of my friends, Jamie Winship, we mentioned him before.
He says, when you walk in a room knowing your God is the king of the universe, you walk in the room with power and authority, not arrogance, but identity, like God's going to do something. God just walked in the room. Not that I'm God, but God lives in me.
So here we go. That changes a family. That changes a legacy. That changes a spiritual direction in a home. It puts Fred in the cage and me out of the cage.
You know, it's like freedom, right? It's like, I love your thought of that. It's like, take that thought captive. It is of the enemy. Reverse that with correct theology and identity and go be the man, be the woman that God's called you to be.
God will move. I love that. Like I'm amening everything. That's so good. And one of the practices that has helped me, and I feel like you're alluding to this too, Ted, is I take my thoughts captive and I, as you said, I start counting them.
You write them down. And so what I've done is I've done some of that too, is what am I believing right now? What am I saying? What is Fred saying to me? What's the enemy saying?
So I'll write them down. And then I remember Jamie and Donna did this with me. They said, just close your eyes, use your imagination. I want you to take all those things in your hand, the lies that you've been believing that Fred is telling you. And now.
I do the same thing. I picture Jesus in front of me and what he was saying.
So I picture myself giving them to Jesus. And he takes them. And then sometimes he'll do something different to them all the time. One time he buried it. But the beautiful thing is.
I remember them saying, What's it feel like to be free of that? Or what would he say to you through scripture? Because he'll speak the things that scripture would speak to you.
So that's been freeing to me to just hand them over, bury them, give it to Jesus. You write them out. What do you do to them after you write them? I always pray by journaling on my computer. And so I wrote all those this morning.
Delete. That's good. What do you say? You get no space in my hard drive on my computer or my little hard drive. Oh, that's gone.
You're gone. You're gone. I'm not keeping you.
Now, Abba, what would you say to all this? Because I had to categorize them in a general sense, because usually I'll write a thought and. There were so many. That I had to go, okay. I think I hear you being a fortune teller.
I hear you being a labeler. I hear you being a shameler. There's just so many of you. Delete. All right, Abba, w what are you saying?
And sometimes it's even my anxiety. It'll be Fred will be like, hey, you need to go do this.
Now do this, do this. If you don't get this done, you're, and what I've watched is, I've watched him change tactics with me. I've watched him go from attacking me and labeling and becoming.
So obvious, and when I kind of was like, wait, that's Fred, then he would come. And then I started to realize. Oh, he is telling me things about how God feels about me now, that God's mad at me, God's frustrated. There's a beautiful song by Patrick Mayberry that I played on the way over here. It's called How You Love Me.
One of the greatest lines in it, he goes, You're not mad and you're not scary. And all this guilt and shame that I've carried is why you died for me. And he starts, he goes, Could it really be this simple that you love me like you say you do? I mean, come on. It is that symbol.
It is. The enemy is constantly confusing that. It is this symbol. He loves you.
So I delete those thoughts. That's good. I think it'd be a great homework assignment. It's a scary one, but to even ask your spouse: are there lies that you believe? In your head?
Like, is there a Fred? Explain the Fred in the head. Are there things that you're believing? That I don't even know about, and maybe even as a family. Like, I'm thinking, our teenagers, our kids in school, they're little and they're starting to believe the fred in their head.
The enemy is after our kids.
So, just to talk about it openly. Is something that could be really beneficial to a family and start out as the mom or dad saying, This is something I've struggled with. To let it be known, like I've struggled with this too. I take my kids with me on speaking events sometimes, and my daughter's name is Teddy, and we call hers Freddie. And, you know, if there's anybody that's got a Freddy in their head, it's teenage girls.
Yes. And. Wow, it's been a journey with her, but it's just, I've loved being able to talk about it to your point. Yeah. that hey baby that's not who jesus is that's not what that's not him What a great day with Ted Lowe.
I hope we can get him back again because I think he really dug into some stuff that's going to change our marriages. Me too. And if I were you, I would get the book because here's what I've done with the book. I've just underlined it all over the place, but it helps keep it in your mind. I think it's one of those conversations you can have with other people.
that will help them. Yeah, so the book is called Us in Mind, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage. You can get it at familylifetoday.com. Just click the link in the show notes. We've put together some really of our best material in one place.
It's free. And you can go to familylife.com slash marriage help. and check it out because we'll probably have something there that will meet your needs. Family Life Today is a donor-supported ministry of Family Life, a crew ministry, helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. Yeah.
