Absurd Truth: LL-J Cool

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. All right, so I don't even know how to talk about this. This is it's so sad. This is such a sad story. But it's also one of the most horrifying headlines I think we've ever had in Florida Man.

This is over the weekend. It was in Clearwater, Florida. A 14 foot alligator was caught dragging a human corpse down a Florida canal. It was in its mouth, and it had to be shot dead by Florida Fish and Wildlife and law enforcement because it was like really aggressive towards everybody with it was protecting its prey. It was a legitimate person. And all these people like people saw what was happening and they immediately called law enforcement. And then some people, they started taking videos of it. And it was like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. So they could show law enforcement how like, look, this is what is happening.

This is what it's doing. They said it was gruesome. Several local residents spotted it. They alerted the Largo Fire Department.

The fire department showed up. Guys, this gator is ginormous. It is huge.

14 foot and it had this body clamp between its jaws. Now, according to news, the body was that of a, I think, a transient woman who had been cited previously by law enforcement because she kept going into this swamp marshy area there that was known to have gators and they were telling her to stay out. And I mean, it is I can we can't show I mean, there's tons of video and photos and I can't we just can't show you that's so bad. I just Oh my gosh, it's so horrible.

But this Oh, I feel I feel for this lady because I don't think that she had a death wish. But just horrifying. I mean, there's nothing as horrifying as the most horrifying headline I've ever had for all Florida man. Oh my gosh. Like what is going on with the gators to by the way, a Florida golfer fought off an alligator with a putter.

This was on Wednesday of last week. The gator legit latched on to his right ankle. Dude's playing golf, got his right ankle, and he hit the gator in the eye with his putter. And I they had to put they had to capture it Florida Fish and Wildlife captured and put the gator down. They said that the let's see since 2016 I guess 388 alligator bites and people have been total have been recorded since 1948 24 of them being fatal. But it seems like there's just a spate of them recently.

Does it not came? Is it though? Is it the season to get bit by a gator?

I just don't know. I highly I Oh, this is so bad. Like I I need a break from the gator. Just know please note that literally every puddle even a drop of water in Florida probably has a giant gator in it. Just know that and they're fast. Don't think that they're not fast and zigzag zigzag when you run zigzag. Isn't that what you're told to get away from a gator?

Does that also work with the velociraptor? I don't know. Same thing. Maybe not. Alright, so I do I want the naked man or the guy who used the cane to beat up somebody?

We might have time for both. Okay, Florida Florida man had a naked two hour standoff. Literally, that's how flagger county described it.

Not me. They said it was a naked standoff. God love him. I love our police. So they it flagger County, Florida. A lot of drama here. Fox 35.

They said flagger county got a call. But a family feud that went crazy. Michael Wells 57.

He looks way older than that. He was called an all sorts of ruckus. And he apparently had a lot of liquor and he decided to fight a family member. And he was also naked somehow at some point during all of this he got naked.

I don't know how that happens. And there was a standoff to our standoff. And they finally took him into custody. He's like the guy, the blind guy from the last john wick. With his with Oh man, 82 years old. He had a guy break into his house in the middle of the night.

He acted on instinct Ronald Lucas. He said the situation continued for some time because every time I hit him he'd hit me and on and on. So he said he saw the man break in.

He took off for his wife who had just had an operation. He came face to face with the intruder. He said I just got in between him and boy that was it.

And then I started taking him out. He said he knows how to fight. He goes but that guy took on a special forces guy. Vietnam. Dude, old dudes who are in Vietnam. Don't just don't mess. They don't mess. They spend all day thinking.

Like if you Well, in addition to having fun, they spend time like well, if you come at me, I'm gonna take you down. Just saying never mess with an old dude from Vietnam, especially if he's got a cane and you're breaking into his house because you're gonna get what you've heard me rave about the Keltyke KSG shotgun for a long time. And the fact is, I cannot say enough good things about it. I mean, the KSG is the one that's started it all made ordinary shotguns obsolete and still reign supreme.

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I think he's an MC light. Both of you. Thank you. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my gosh. Um, I think we all died a little bit. Are you okay?

King? Yeah, you live. LLJ Cool.

I tried to figure out if I want to be a baby about this a little longer if I want to get on party. I don't know. I come home.

What is this? That was the President of the United States where I didn't even where was he speaking at? I can't remember. I wasn't at the Black Caucus or was it not? I don't know.

Does he know? Hell, where? What was that? I think it was the black.

LLJ Cool. Oh, no, stop, sir. Off the stage. Immediately. Oh, oh, I don't know where to go with this man.

And in that clip afterwards, he calls it the new edition instead of new edition. So yeah, there was a lot of evidence that he is just not in touch. What do you mean President daddy showers is not like with it? It's weird. This isn't even about being in touch. This isn't being a big old racist. That's what that is. Welcome back to the show.

Dana last year with you. I mean, you guys, what are you surprised? I mean, this is the guy that was like, Oh, we have many eulogize my crystal Grand Wizard, whatever. What are they? I don't muggles. I don't know what they are in the what is it the Democrats arm of get out the vote the Klan? I don't know what they are.

Someone out there is like, well, that's not a Democrats out there going well, that's not what they Yeah, they are. Welcome back to the show. biceps bigger than my thighs. This was one of the worst. Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. That wasn't even as bad as that was. That wasn't even the worst. I mean, all of it. It's like it. It's a real thing. It's a gradient of worse, worser and worst. I don't even know where to start.

For instance, let's just go into audio sound by three cane, if you will, audio sound by three. Let's see what what words of wisdom President mccunity daddy showers had to say here. Good. We did it through a bipartisan effort to include the majority of responsible gun owners. We're not stopping here. Again, it's a say it again.

I'm not going to be quiet till we get it done. It's time again to ban assault weapons high capacity magazine to need 80 shots in a magazine. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where them at shot mags at? Where the matey shot mags at? Where were they?

The Tommy gun drums? I don't know. Can we have them without having to beg their government? Please, government? Can we have our natural rights? Can we please? Where where the where the matey shot mags at?

I just would love those. I mean, I've got some standard capacity magazines that some who are stupid might say are more than standard, but you'd be wrong. Because standard is what I say it is. But what's this? 80 shots in a wow. So glad that he's making decisions about our gun rights. This guy.

If you need 80 shots in a magazine, I love reading magazines. I'm surprised he didn't say that. I you know, this is coming. That's just gonna be next. Good heavens. It this this was so bad. Yeah.

Yeah. It is so bad that I have so many sound bites where we could I think pretty much do the remainder of the show with this. That's how bad it is. How does this guy run for reelection? How?

How does this work? Anybody? I mean, if this had been... Case in point. I hate doing this, but it's the only way that I can illustrate how badly biased all of this is. If this had been say, like a Democrat, or a Republican, I mean, that went out and said, Oh, yeah, you know.

LLJ cool. Yeah, that boy has bigger biceps. Can you imagine? I mean, they got mad at Trump because he had a taco salad on Cinco de Mayo. And they said he was a racist. Because he legit ate a taco salad, which are delicious, by the way, and nutritious. But they got mad at him for straight up eating a taco salad on Cinco de Mayo. Joe Biden goes out there and tells black Americans that they're not black unless they vote for him because he owns their blackness.

He goes out there and calls minorities boys. Don't sit here and play like this is some kind of term of endearment. No, we ain't. No, no, no, these are dim rules. These are dim rules now.

Right? We're dim rules. That's the way we go by. That's how we live. That's what they that's what they established.

And see, part of the problem with establishing stupid rules is that sometimes you really win some stupid prizes. I'm just don't know what this party's what the democrats are going to do. And I'm here for it. Does it seem like every time you turn around or open up your wallet, you're shocked at the changes that have directly impacted your life in just two and a half years. There's something that you can do to protect the value of your hard earned savings and retirement accounts. Contact the folks at American Hartford Gold and talk to them about your options and diversifying your assets. Empower yourself with opportunity.

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And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's Quick Five. Okay, so I don't know. I'm just going to bust into this, okay? We're just going to Kool-Aid man through the wall this headline. AIDS Memorial Sculpture Sparks Debate in Palm Springs. Okay, it's a proposed AIDS Memorial Sculpture in Palm Springs.

It's at the center of a heated debate. There's nothing I can say that's not going to end up sounding Freudian in retrospect. Its design has sparked concerns in the community because it looks like a giant donut hole. I mean, if you're wholesome, that's what you think it looks like. Yeah, it does.

It, uh-huh, sure. It looks like a giant anus. That's just what it looks like.

And I mean, there is no exaggeration. There are people who are activists in that community who are like, why of all the things did you do this? Why is this memorial? Someone said that in addition to the, because they said it's abstract, nobody knows what it means, but it literally looks like a certain body part. Someone said, quote, actually one of the activists said the backside of this looks like a graphic depiction of the backside of a human being. It's being funded privately because someone was stupid enough to hand over $500,000 for modern art, which is trash. And it's going to be down in the downtown parking of the Marilyn Monroe statue, which I think is like an insult to the Marilyn Monroe statue. So just maybe come up with something better. You know, that's what you, what does that even, that you look at that and the first thing you think of is AIDS?

This is like a deleted, you know, scene from Rent. What? Stop.

Okay. We do not deserve dogs. A missing toddler was found sleeping in the woods using one of her dogs as a pillow, this sweet Rottweiler, a two year old. She literally just like dashed out of her family's house, walked out into the woods.

The smaller dog was a pillow. The larger dog was the lookout. And the parents were freaking out. They, the mom, apparently in the story, the mom went to get stuff out of the dryer and that's when the little girl just bolted. And they looked for her. They found her and she was sleeping on one of the dogs and the other dog was laying right beside her alert, watching everything. And they said that they were really protective of her. That is so amazing.

We totally do not deserve dogs. They are just so great. She was found safe and sound, totally healthy. And she was happy and giggly.

And it was just like, why? They are fast, dude. Kids are fast.

They'll run away. Writers Guild has reached a tentative agreement with studios and streamers, says the union. I mean, I don't really watch a lot of television and all of that. I haven't really watched a lot of like, I don't know. They said it's a significant development. It could bring an end to this writers strike. I do understand the criticisms that they had about AI. So hopefully they found some kind of heavy medium there.

And Gen Z workers. I don't care about that. Let's see a lawsuit. This woman was propped up to appear alive after she died during routine surgery.

I think that's everybody's soul on a Monday. Over the weekend, the president mentioned that food safety was also at stake. So can you give us some examples of how during previous shutdowns, the absence of food and environmental inspections impacted public health? Well, I think you would want to visit with the folks at FDA. You need to understand that our food safety responsibilities are divided. The USDA has responsibility for meat, poultry and processed eggs. FDA has responsibility for everything else. I can tell you that in terms of meat, poultry and processed eggs, we will continue to have food inspection, but that may not necessarily be the case with the FDA. I'll show you how silly this is. If you order a pepperoni pizza, we're guaranteeing the safety of it because there's meat on that pizza.

If you order a cheese pizza, you're looking at FDA. You're going to die. So great. You just gave the illustration as to why big government sucks and we should abolish everything. Welcome back to the show.

I mean, great way, great lesson. Isn't that Tom? His name rhymes with... No, don't do it.

Don't do it. It's Vilsack. It's not what I was thinking. I mean the first three letters. Vilsack. Yeah. Say it again.

Vilsack. I'm 10. Also on a meat pizza, I also get cheese. So is he saying the cheese on that meat pizza is better because it's not just cheese? I love it how food is not all regulated by the same thing.

This is why big government is so stupid. USDA, they do the fish, the chicken, the meat, and then egg stuff. And then you have like all egg related anything. And then the FDA does the dairy, and then the seafood, the produce, the bottled water, and then whole individual eggs. So just to make that further stupid, the egg products, Kane, are USDA. The eggs themselves are FDA.

Okay. That's like splitting the baby. That's how dumb government is. So you're telling me, yes, the whole egg is not considered an egg product. I swear this is... Look, the idea of a free market...

Shut it down! ...is if there's a company out there putting out bad eggs or bad freaking pizza or whatever, the free market will no longer purchase from that entity, therefore putting that entity out of business. We don't need these government agencies. Food policy is so stupid. It makes me hate government more than I ever thought I could.

Than ever. Like they go in after, I mean, what the organic food stuff? I'll never forget a friend of mine was telling me Rossum, which was like the store. It's like a, it was like a Sam's Club or a Costco that's like out in Hippie Land out in LA.

And they sell unpasteurized milk. You know what? You're going to a place that's literally called raw? Some. You know what you're getting?

Like you literally become a member. You know that they have unpasteurized milk. You know you're purchasing unpasteurized milk. And I never will forget like six or seven years ago, they had like a SWAT raid of Rossum and full auto everything.

They went out there and raided them because they were selling unpasteurized milk. Well, no joke, Sherlock. Good job, government. High five. They couldn't even high five themselves, meaning they couldn't even clap. This is how stupid this is.

They, the stuff that they go after, like I remember the story of this lady who like an at home baker, and they were basically saying, Oh, you have to you can't bake stuff at home and sell it from your house. You have a dog, you got to get rid of your shut up. Shut your mouth, your stupid big government mouth. Shut up. Oh, my gosh.

But this is how so they're they're acting like Tom. It's a Wilson. Thank you, Wilson. That guy, the FDA guy, food and agriculture guy. He's saying, Oh, well, you know, if you if the Republicans don't find our training surgeries, then we're gonna just it's we're gonna shut everything down. That you're gonna die because you're not gonna you're gonna eat cheese that we can't protect you from. How are you gonna protect me from cheese on my pizza slick? Let's cheese we didn't get to look at. You also say cigarettes are fine. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, it's so dumb. Sometimes I just I I don't I can't I cannot deal with it. Oh, you know, so we were not gonna be able to protect you came from parts of your pizza. You know, that's I like how he's like, that's all us.

You know, if it's the meeting that that's us, we can handle that. But you know, if you're getting cheese on your pizza, you're dead. So during the shutdown, we just need to order cheese less meat pizzas.

Dude, I'm just gonna make it myself. I just I don't care. I would rather like risk it for the biscuit, then deal with this nonsense. All right, today in stupidity. This is like a whole this is just heard about just stupidity.

But here we go. This is Karine Jean-Pierre telling us what kind of shutdown this will be. Our latest polling shows that a higher percentage of Americans would actually blame the shutdown on the president and the Democrats, not on Republicans.

Why do you think that is? Should the president be out there speaking more on this issue? We're going to be very clear. This is this is which this will be a Republican shutdown. All right, so Republicans aren't putting pork in the CR. Tom pork Vilsack. You just heard him say that the cheese on your pizza is gonna kill you. And that's because of Republicans. Maybe you're gonna die from your pizza.

Maybe the USDA controls the pork that goes in these CRs. Yeah, I know. But they they won't get that joke, Kane. They won't get it. That's right. That's not what I was thinking. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.