Absurd Truth: March Wokeness

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man.

I got to do this one first. There's video up on CBS showing the police officers handcuffing an innocent nine-foot gator who was just roaming about Tampa streets minding his own business. Little innocent gator.

If you believe that, I got a bridge to sell you. There's no gators that are innocent, okay? Nine-foot alligator.

It was just hanging out by Raymond James Stadium, home of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Just a gator. Just a alligator, you know, just doing his thing, whipping its tail around, hissing at people. And so the police approached it because it had a, uh, I guess it was, well, it looked like it was afraid and I don't, never felt sorry for a gator before. But they went in, officers were called, they made this like, this like noose out of a yellow rope, they lassoed it around the top of his mouth. And then the officers are like, you want to jump on him?

You want to jump on him? So finally one of them did and they had to, they had a third officer to help weigh down his like, you know, to keep his mouth shut. And then they covered his eyes with a towel, duct taped around his mouth, they taped together his legs so that they could get in. They wanted to find him, they're working with Florida Fish and Wildlife to find him a more suitable home. And the Florida Fish and Wildlife's number one alligator trapper apparently, he was called to assist. He said he was very impressed with how they did it. And they did it, you know, exactly as they're supposed to. They don't hurt them when they're doing that.

They're trying to get them, you know, not hurt, but they rehomed him to probably a large puddle. But it was out there hissing at people and waving his tail. I don't like anything that hisses. I don't like hissing things. It's just weird. But just chilling there on the road, minding his business. All these people are standing around videotaping this thing.

It is the funniest thing I've ever seen. But it's like right by the sea. It was right by where the buccaneers play. A gator right there. Oh, can you imagine?

What if like somebody's leaving the game and they've had a little much and they fall into a hissing gator? I'm just saying. Breathe life into your own backyard this spring with FastGrowingTrees.com. From shade trees to fresh fruit to privacy hedge plants, let FastGrowingTrees.com help you plant your dream garden with their expert advice and fast, reliable shipping. FastGrowingTrees.com's plant experts curate thousands of easy to grow plants, shrubs, and tree varieties for your unique climate. And they understand that sometimes it's hard to know which plants will do best.

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When I first saw this, I did not think that this was a real thing. So as part of the ongoing ever way to further divide America, you know Dylan Mulvaney is a dude who cosplays as a woman. Ken and I were just talking about how we don't know, neither of us know any women that act like this at all whatsoever. So he's partnered with Kate Spade. He's partnered with a bunch of other brands. He was one of the guys that sat there for Ulta and they were talking about how hard it is to be a woman, trying to sell makeup to women by talking about how hard it was for them to be a woman. And all he talks about, my youngest son asked, what does this guy do?

And I go, he just bitches about how nobody wants to kiss him because he's a dude being a woman. I don't know. He actually did a whole thing on that.

It was in Daily Mail, which I hate. But what does he actually do? Like what does this guy do? What is his job in life? He has surgery to shave his jawline down, maybe shave the bump in his throat down.

I don't know. He has surgery to try to look more feminine and more feminine features. And he gets, I don't know, he pretends to be a woman and he gets all these brands partnering with him.

Ladies, how long y'all been women? And you haven't gotten any brands to partner with you. Bud Light is the latest. Listen to this.

Audio Soundbite 20. Hi. Impressive carrying skills, right? I got some Bud Lights for us. So I kept hearing about this thing called March Madness. And I thought we were all just having a hectic month. But it turns out it has something to do with sports. And I'm not sure exactly which sport, but either way, it's a cause to celebrate.

He sounds like Elizabeth Warren. This month, I celebrated my Day 365 of womanhood and Bud Light sent me possibly the best gift ever, a can with my face on it. Check out my Instagram story to see how you can enjoy March Madness with Bud Light and maybe win some money too. Love ya. Cheers. Go team.

Whatever team you love, I love too. Okay. He tries to be like your friendly neighborhood dude who's an aunt. I don't know. But doesn't he sound like Elizabeth Warren?

Hi, sweetie. Would you like a beer? He sounds just like her selling this.

We made fun of Elizabeth Warren when she did it. But this guy does it and like he gets a brand partnership. Do you want a drink? But I wouldn't. Bud Light's what you use to wash your steins. Although some people are like, I wouldn't let my steins near that.

They're too precious to me. Actually, people say that verbatim. I was just laughing so hard.

What is the point of this? Who drinks Bud Light? Because I got to tell you, I mean, Kane and I have met gay people before. They're not Bud Light. They're not Bud Light drinkers. Was it? I don't even know gay people drink Zima. Yeah, that was the thing in the 90s. I mean, somebody I know, a friend of mine who describes themselves as a gay conservative, but they don't hold a lot of the positions that you think that they would.

In fact, none of the positions you think they would. And they were saying very seriously, I only drink Pinot Grigio. But my whole point is, who is the market audience?

Who is the audience for this? My stepdad is not going to be like, oh, that man who looks like a lady trying to look like a lady's on this can of beer. They're gonna buy some more Bud. Nobody does this. Nobody thinks like this.

What is this for? Unless, I mean, are they trying to get more? It's like fewer than one percent of the population. Are they trying to get more transgender people to drink Bud Light?

I mean, you're drinking urine colored water. Let's be honest. Right?

With foam. That's it. How many sales do you think this moved units?

Kane, do you think this actually? Did it move any units? Pun intended. Yeah.

Do you think that this really helped them with their sales? I don't. I really don't think so. Like you said, the people that already drink Bud Light are not.

I think they may be influenced by this. Here's such a stereotype. This Dylan Mulvaney. This guy, he tries to act like he doesn't know anything about sports because he thinks that women don't know anything about sports. He's a sexist. He's actually sexist because he's trading on sexist tropes to make up his cosplay character.

That's exactly what he's doing. He's a walking definition of sexism. Well, I think that women don't like sports. So go team. No, there are a lot of women that like basketball. A lot of women play basketball.

They just don't watch WNBA. But, you know, I don't understand why or who is... Does he have an agent? Like, how do you sell that to someone?

What does your talent do? Well, he just talks about how much he wants to be a girl. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, that's all he wants to do. He just wants to talk about how badly he wants to be a girl.

Mm hmm. He got boobs. I'm sorry, what? By the way, he was also in a bathtub with some beer, wearing a bra. Ladies, you know, because you take baths with your bras on, right? How do I girl? I don't know. I got the lipsticks and the makeups. What do I do?

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Kel-Tec weapons.com. Tell them Dana sent you. And now all of the news you would probably miss.

It's time for Dana's quick five. Filed under, you don't say, CDC teams studying these Palestine health risks got sick during the investigation. Members of the CDC team that were studying the effects of the train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, became briefly ill earlier this month, the agency told media outlet The Hill. A CDC spokesperson said seven of the 15 investigators experienced symptoms, including a sore throat, headache, coughing, and nausea, which are similar to the symptoms of the residents in the area who reported all of this following the train crash in early February. So apparently they're trying to figure out whether it was exposure to chemicals or fatigue.

Of course, it's exposure to chemicals. What did you think? What did you think this was? I don't know what I think about this. CDC is telling people stop it with the cookie dough.

Quit it. You know, they make sidebar. There's a restaurant like not far from us that makes edible cookie dough, which is kind of a weird phrase.

But why are you saying yes? Like you're I do too. I used to get the Pillsbury like the tube of it when I was in like high school and college.

Holy cow, I would eat a tube of that a week. It's crazy. Anyway, I know I did. I actually did my I don't know how Salmonella outbreak has sickened people in 11 states.

They're in it's there. So now the CDC is renewing a call stop eating raw cookie dough. The agency confirmed that it launched an investigation into the outbreak noting 12 illnesses have been reported. Three required hospitalization.

They said that they're they range from states in California, Iowa, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, New York, Ohio, Oregon, Tennessee, Virginia, Illinois has two cases. And it's all it's going up from December to last year all the way up till last month. And they said one of the seven people are of the seven people and local public health officials. They said that six eight raw dough or batter right before they came sick.

Now here's the thing. The only common ingredient don't say eggs was flour. It's the flare. They're trying to say that there's a specific brand of flour that could be responsible for this. They said flour doesn't look like raw food, but most flour is raw.

So it's the flower. Fetterman has been released from Walter Reed. He says his depression made him indifferent. And he was speaking to CBS Sunday Morning. And he said he spoke to Jane Pauley.

He said he became indifferent about living and but he's been released now, you know, for depression. Stay with us. So that Trump is leaving, he left Mar Lago traveled basically a couple minutes down the highway to Palm Beach International Airport. He's gonna fly to Palm Beach. He's going to Manhattan, stay in Manhattan tonight at Trump Tower. And then he's going to have his arraignment tomorrow and do the booking photo, etc, etc, etc. And everybody I mean, they got live cameras on everything. Can you imagine? Just and it is all because Alvin Bragg and Democrats are over their skis, all of this, all of it. So we're just you know, we're we're gonna keep an eye on everything and let you know is it you know, as things develop. I mean, there's pretty much I mean, everybody knows what comes next.

He gets on the plane, then he's gonna fly on the plane. The media it's I just get OJ. I'm not saying he's OJ. I get OJ vibes with the type of coverage.

Right? I wrote who do you remember where you were when they did the OJ thing? Oh, man. We were at a friend's house. We were at a friend's house playing cards. I was in high school. We were at a friend's house playing cards. And it was on the television. And because you know, I know so much about football. I had no idea who it was.

I was like, Who is this man? I had no idea. Later, you know, we all learned but that was the media's of they love that. They love that stuff. If they can get a picture in picture.

And they can have like the live coverage of the vehicle or you know, the airport or the tarmac or something. They love it. Do not let that actually be the measure of what how outraged or not you should be. Okay, trust your gut, folks.

Don't let Democrats get over their skis. I'm just I'm just not freaking out about stuff because this is also dumb. It really can you were live on air. You said you dropped the covers to take all that live. Yeah, we did. We did.

We didn't we obviously couldn't play me the video doing radio radio. How goofy is that? Well, the vehicle is still driving. Yeah. And that that's driving but the announcers and the fact that it was was it AC? Who was it that was driving? I forget the it was a famous football. Oh, yeah, that one guy. Al was it? I don't know what his last name is. What is the name? I'll see.

I'll see Hastings. Yeah, yeah, I think I don't know. I'm just sounds right. I'm just going off top of my head.

But yeah, I do remember back then it being the craziest story because this was a huge huge personality. This was a football star guy's been in movies, he's done everything. And then we're seeing him being chased by hundreds of police in a white Bronco. So why we have the we have the media on this and it's well, well, like I said, well, well, he's on this Trump plane. He's got it refurbished. He gave Daily Mail a tour.

I hate Daily Mail. All right. So a couple of a couple of things here to touch on. We've been following everything that's been going on with the Alvin Bragg case. I don't know whether or not there's going to be a gag order.

We're going to talk to our friend Andy McCarthy coming up next hour. Because it just seems so weird that that it has it there hasn't been one that's been issued. But there's been a lot of discussion about the potential for one being issued.

So not sure how that's I just seems completely over the top that such a thing would happen. Yeah, they want the mugshot which is going to be just like Frank Sinatra's mugshot. It's gonna it'll be like that. It'll be on t shirts. It'll be magnets.

It'll be all those things. He should smile in it. If he shouldn't look sad in it. He should smile because I think I think it's so better. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.