This episode is brought to you by Kleenex Lotion Tissues. Cold season has a way of showing up like an unexpected plot twist. Right in the middle of big moments, good stories, and days that are already full. That's why it helps to keep a little comfort close. Kleenex lotion tissues help protect, soothe, and moisturize your skin, giving you the support you need right when you need it.
Whether you're commuting, binge listening to your favorite show, or managing a little family chaos, Kleenex lotion tissues are made with coconut oil and aloe. For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex. Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man.
So, Florida Man robbed three stores at gunpoint, and then, as he was fleeing, crashed right into a telephone pole. He didn't get very far. Not at all. WFLA says a Florida man led law enforcement on a chase, Marion County. This was on Tuesday.
He entered a family dollar point. Why do people rob family dollars? Family dollar? for crying out loud. He pointed a gun at the store clerk, demanded money, left the store, entered a shoe station.
I guess they sell sh sell shoes. And then he entered a Murphy oil gas station. And then again, he held that person at gunpoint, held the shoe store person at gunpoint to rob them and then tried to flee the scene and ran right into a pole. Uh Karma. That was a nature helped, right?
There's a little bit of a Little bit of a god smack right there, I would say. Let's see. Ooh, that one's nasty. Let me do this one real quick because that one, this is the saddest headline ever. A Florida man bought a stripper.
uh flowers and chocolates with fake money. That's everything about this is sad. It's like the What is it? The world's shortest story. Wasn't it Hemingway?
It said baby shoes for sale, never used. Yeah. World's saddest story. Or is it Florida man buys stripper flowers and chocolates with fake money. That's probably going to be the world's shortest story now.
Alexander DePugh. Thought he could buy his way into a dancer's heart. 32-year-old spent $300 in movie prop money at a Clearwater Forest to get a spread of chocolate and chocolates and flowers for a woman at Oasis Cabaret. Mr. DePue handed over 15 counterfeit $20 bills to cover $288.
And then It wasn't until he left that the florists saw that the bills were marked replica and not legal tender. Oops. Yeah, so he headed to the Uh, strip club. He tried to pay his bar tab with some more of the fake money. They were a little wiser, though, at the club.
And they're like, Yeah, we're really good at spotting fake stuff, whether it's on stage or it's this cache. And they weren't falling for it. They immediately called the police. And when the police arrived, they found another $400 in fake cash in his pockets. And so He uh said that, yeah, I did it because I wanted to give this dancer flowers and chocolates.
When they looked in his car too, they found all kinds of methamphetamine and everything.
So he's being held on a $21,000 bond. But did the stripper get the chocolates and flowers though? Or was that like evidence? Yeah. I'm curious, did it ever make it to her?
Whatever happened to that? Probably evidence. You think? Oh yeah.
So that's the saddest, probably the saddest story. Uh let's see. Oh. Ex-husband's plural. Florida woman is accused of killing ex-husbands.
Oh bad. Across Tampa Bay. Man, she looks like she'd kill you. I was looking at this lady's mug shot. I just need to start a service where you send me a photo of a woman, and I'm going to tell you straight up whether or not she's crazy just from one photo.
Just have her look at the camera, have decent lighting. And I'll tell you if she's crazy by looking at her. I should do that as a service. I'd save a lot of people a lot of time and money. But she's accused of murdering her ex-husband's plural, two of them.
She was Susan Avalon. She's fifty one. She looks a hell of a lot older than that. She waived her arraignment, entered plea for jury trial. Manatee County, they arrested her after she was masquerading as a Panera food delivery driver.
She shot one ex-husband and then that both of them in December. They 911 was called on one of them, and the guy before he passed away told law enforcement he was, he described the way she looked. And when they go, well, do you know who it could have been? He told, he said, quote, possibly my ex-wife, Susan.
So, and their 15-year-old daughter was there at home when she shot and killed her ex-husband, her daughter's father. That's crazy.
So, they uh and the daughter's super traumatized, so the mother's taken into custody, but yeah, she does look nuts. I'm telling you, they all have a look, dudes. They all got a look, every one of 'em. And a Florida teen was arrested after a high-speed chase ended with a crash into a mail truck. Like M-A-I-L, M-A-I-L, not like a mail truck for Don Lemon.
Uh, yeah, he's in trouble. This dude, are you being lied to about your retirement? I mean, the advice sounds familiar: max out your 401k and your IRA and hand your life savings to Wall Street and just hope that the market cooperates. If that were the only way, why do so many people then risk outliving their savings? Why does the inventor of the 401k call it a monster that should be destroyed?
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Terms apply. You know what's funny?
So I saw TMZ, they're attacking Nicki Minaj because what did Nicki Minaj call Don Lemon? Hold up. They said she used a homophobic slur on him. Uh Hang on, let me look at this because I am I am dying laughing if it's what I think it is. Uh Typing this in here.
They said oh yeah, they're all mad at her. She doubles down on homophobic slur at Don Lemon. before his arrest.
Well What was the slur? Sure. Um They asked her, they go, Was there anything you'd like to say to Don Lemon? And she laughed and I don't know how to say this, Kane. Yeah, I know you know.
A male copulatory organ consumer. That's as close as we're getting. She said that. Stop. That's what she said.
Um Yeah. Yeah, that's as close as we're gonna get.
Now Question. She called him The noun for activity. Yes. Er. Yeah.
However, I'm confused.
Now we're all confused.
Well This is news. How do I do this? If a lollipop was made out of rooster. Yeah, okay, you don't need to go further with that.
Okay, I think that does it, though, right?
Okay. We're good? Yeah, okay.
So. You called for Don Lemon's arrest over his church stunt in Minneapolis. He's since called you racist, unhinged, homophobic, and out of your death. Anything you'd like to say to Don Lemon? F sucker, stop.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Now, my question is this. How is it a slur? When that's what you do. I mean. That's like saying, Dana, are you a cat?
I'm a casual gamer, but like, are you a gamer?
Well, yes, I am that er because I do game.
So if So He does that. That's not a slur. Really looking for an off-ramp here. There is none, Kane. Bought the ticket.
Mm-hmm. That's not a slur. Oh, do you like writing skateboards? Yes, you're a skateboarder. Yeah.
So how is that a slur? It's an observation? A slur? Unless you think That you being an err of that activity, is a bad thing. Then and only then could you misconstrue that as a pejorative, right?
Yeah. True. Do you like beating wives? You might be a wife beater. See?
Do you like engaging in this? Intimate practice with a male copulatory organ, then you might be that er. I'm just saying, you know, that's not a slur, it's an observation. Don't sit here and act like there's hurt feelings now, these people that act so big and bad. gonna bust up into church and go after you know why?
'Cause no Christian's gonna cut your head off. That's why. Although I wish that they had better security there, I gotta be honest. But no, no Christian is gonna go and cut your head off for that. If you want to be real big and ballsy, try busting up into a mosque and see how well that goes for you.
Yeah, try that. Let's do that. Let's have John Lemon buy that ticket and take that ride. Let's do that. Muslims don't like those kinds of errors.
Oh, man. I can't even. All right, the people in the chat are not helping because Yeah. Oh, not gonna say that. Really want to.
Not gonna do it though. They're not helping with these things that I really want to say on air because they're clever. Where can people see the chat, Dana?
Well, right now it's at Rumble, but I don't like Rumble. Because they suppress us because we're not one of the owners. It's a true story. Uh yeah, that's they're so they just want to go after Nikki Minaj because she's at because she was at the White House, that's all. They're going after her because she was at the White House and now she's got to pay, so they're going to come after her.
What are you going to send the rainbow people? I'm just gonna have you heard her music? Because pretty sure she doesn't care. Just saying. Pretty sure she doesn't care, and also pretty sure that her base doesn't care either.
You know, don't think her base cares. That's you're not gonna you're not gonna guilt her into this So now we're going to gatekeep. What is a journalist? Do you remember back when. Let me go back.
This was back when Ashley Biden. Left her weirdo fetish diary in the mattress of a flop house, a drug flop house, remember that? And somebody found it. And then somehow James O'Keefe got a hold of it. And then the FBI was like, That's not or the Bidens kept saying that's not Ashley Biden's diary.
But here's the FBI to raid your houses and take it anyway. Remember when all that happened? Where was the defense? You literally had journalists' homes who were raided. By law enforcement.
for on behalf of drug addicted Ashley Biden. Mm-hmm. Where was the cries for the free press and free speech and fascism then. They actually had to use Secret Service and FBI to babysit. his middle-aged drug-addicted kids.
That's what part of our tax dollars went for. These walking Scaby meat sacks. That's what they, I mean, they're sentient scabies. That's, that's, they had to have FBI and Secret Service babysit them. But they raided journalists' homes.
Oh my gosh, Chad, I can't say that either. Oh my god.
Well, the other one I might might be able to work that in. might be able to work that one in. The Richard one? Yeah. That one that sounds Sounds very formal.
That dare I say that almost sounds respectable. Smoker, Richard Smoker. That what's that what if that's a man's name? Separate from the Don Lemon being called a slur by Nicki Minaj. I'm just saying.
And again, it's not a slur if it's an observation. It's not a slur if you do it. January is when a lot of people finally stop and look at their money. And instead of chasing big predictions or the next hot thing, they just want something solid. And that's why gold keeps coming up as a steady, reliable option.
I was talking with Colin Plume over at Noble Gold Investments, and we were discussing how no one really knows what 2026 is going to bring: elections, markets, wars. But one thing we do know: gold and silver have outlasted every empire, every crash, every currency. And at the end of the day, it's about that peace of mind. Having a little gold in your strategy can make those wild market swings a lot easier to live with because real wealth isn't flashy. It's being prepared and protecting what you've already built for yourself, your kids, and your grandkids.
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So visit noblegoldinvestments.com/slash Dana. That's noblegoldinvestments.com/slash Dana. Rewards programs are a lot like pop culture. They can be hard to keep up with, but with Venmo's new rewards program, Venmo Stash, rewards are so easy because the more you do, the more you get. And you choose the bundle of brands you get cash back at.
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The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank NA. Venmo Stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max $100 cash back per month. See terms at venmo.me forward slash stash terms. If you like what you hear and want to support the show, the easiest free way to do it is to follow the podcast and leave a rating and review.
Seriously, 30 seconds from you helps keep this show going strong. I appreciate you. And now, all of the news you would probably miss, it's time for Dana's Quick Five.
Well, this is Justin, and this is horrible, horrible news. Catherine O'Hara. Has passed away. Catherine O'Hara, the brilliant and iconic actress from every mom from Home Alone, she's been in every Tim Burton movie. Beetlejuice, Home Alone.
She was in Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, A Mighty Win for Your Consideration. Frank and Weenie, Over the Hedge, Nightmare Before Christmas, Moira Rose in Schitt's Creek, she's been in everything. Passed away at age 71. There isn't, so Page 6 was the first out with it. They're saying so far there's they, the cause of death, they don't have a cause of death yet, but it was announced that she has passed away age 71.
Wow, that one hurts. That one hurts because she was amazing. Good night. She's such a great actress. Oh, where do you go after this?
Man, all the good ones, none of the people that you want to die. It's always the ones that you don't want to die. What? It's true. I'm just saying what y'all are thinking.
Awaymo hit a kid near an elementary school. What? Yeah, the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration is investigating. It struck a child, the Waymo car, near an elementary school. in Santa Monica, California, now in a separate incident.
In Los Angeles, there was is this like a Waymo the Zeekers? Zeeker Vehicle operated in manual mode, sped through a one-way residential street near Dodger Stadium. If you if you were like at the airport Anywhere you've got like a... Called a rideshare service and it was a driverless car that pulled up. I wouldn't get in it, would you?
I wouldn't either. No way.
So now they're investigating. They said that the uh child was struck by the Waymo. uh that the according to national highway transportation safety They said that Apparently, it was coming from the kid was coming from behind a double-parked SUV towards the school, and that's when they were hit by the Waymo.
So, we don't have any other information than that, but that's also sad. This is just stupid. Men are embracing, this is a dumb study. They're saying men are embracing beauty culture, and many of them refuse to call it that. And they're not.
This is called grooming. Shut up. Shaving, making sure your eyebrows don't look like caterpillars. That's just called grooming. Stop it.
So tired. Like people think this stuff began the day they were born. Wow, when did men start like cleaning themselves?
Well, they've always done that. It's called grooming, people. Uh, Jelaine Maxwell claims 29 friends cut secret deals with the DOJ in an Epstein twist. I find her disgusting. Everything about them, like they just look nasty, like nasty, gross people.
She said that 25 men reached undisclosed deals and four alleged co-conspirators that were known to investigators but never charged. She doesn't name them. But she said there were a lot of deals that were being cut. I would like to know who those people were. Just saying.
Apple sales surge 16% staggering iPhone demand. I didn't go out and get the new iPhone because I think it's ugly. I think it's dumb and I don't want the whole top half of my phone to look like that.
So out of spite, I'm not gonna do it until they make it go back. I'm not gonna get the new because it's dumb looking. It's dumb.
So they said that the company though, people are going out and buying them. There's nothing different with a camera. There's nothing different. They just, let's move this over here and act like we boosted the power. 16% though.
Staggering the iPhone demand. They found the strongest results in China where they love ugly, stupid phones.
So that works. And Hong Kong, sales in the region surged 38%.
So it's China, Kami Chinese, that are buying these ugly, grody phones. Let them buy the ugly Apple, the new ugly Apple phones, and then Apple can get rid of all the ugly 17s, and then they can go back to making decent-looking devices. Uh Welcome back to the program, Dana Lash, with you. We're at the top of this third hour. We've been talking about a lot of stuff.
Again, into the Don Lemon thing, and of course. Journalism in the latest with Minnesota, and then you got the government shutdown that looms Saturday. And then it came out today that Catherine O'Hara passed away, 71 years old. That's a shocking thing. She was the mom in Home Alone.
She was the voice of Sally in Nightmare Before Christmas. She was in Schitt's Creek. She was also in um, oh my gosh, everything. All of the Christopher Guest films Christopher Guess is Jamie Lee Curtis's husband, so he did a mighty wind and all that stuff. Uh she was in All of his movies.
She did, I mean, gosh, all kinds of stuff. I'm like trying to think of what she didn't do. Waiting for Guffman. Uh all the Beetlejuice movies, Home Alone. Um What else?
Frank and Weenie, where the wild things are, everything. And then she was in that sitcom. And she got started through Second City, which was like a comedic. Company. And it's like all of the really good people out of the 80s got started at Second City because you had Eugene Levy, Joan Rivers.
Uh John Candy, Mike Myers, John Belushi. uh Ackeroid. Uh Sidakis, Steve Corell. Bill Murray, all these people got started at a second city.
So she's had a really long career. She used to be the understudy for Gilda Radner on SNL, too. But um Yeah, that's wow, seventy one.
So now Kana and I were talking. Rule of three. How does that work? Yeah. Well, typically celebrities, and this is a.
This is my grandmother's role. Yeah, it's kind of an old wives' tale, but it's. Kind of true. I mean, I've experienced it as true many, many times where a celebrity passes away, and then within two weeks of that celebrity passing, two other celebrities die.
So within a two-week period, Typically, the rule of three is that three celebrities will pass away.
So, Catherine O'Hara today. Yeah, I'm looking at Because you have to know that it can't just be like a celebrity that somebody else knows that you don't. Right.
So, who possibly could qualify was the Grateful Dead guy? That passed away recently. Scott Adams, probably. I would say for me, Scott Adams, Valentino, and. Catherine.
And now, Catherine, so we're going to start over another three? Yeah, because the Bob Weir guy, I mean, I guess that sounds, but the Grateful Devot, I didn't really know. Yeah. There's a saying. Like some of these other slide dunbar microphones, I don't know, don't know.
Yeah, the rest of them are celebrities that aren't.
Some drag queen, some other dude, I don't know. This dude, no. Maybe maybe the uh uh Guy who was in Scorpions. Right.
But So I think there's probably been already the three. Because everybody else is like a nobody.
Sorry, but they are. They're nobody. It's true. It's true. I mean, if you're looking at the level of Catherine O'Hara, then we're looking at two more beyond her.
But yeah. Maybe the drummer for Susie and the Banshees. What was that? Uh this year. Yeah, it was like beginning of this month.
Huh. But I would say Scott Adams, Valentino, and Catherine O'Hara. All right, so there's the three. That's the three then. I think that's the three.
Because I'm looking at all the celebrity desks and I'm like, meh, no, no, this for nope, nope. Nope, nope.
So I'm scrolling. Nope. Nope, mm-mm, nope. Maybe the Scorpion's guy, maybe the Susie and the Banshee's drummer, but then that would just leave us with one more. Unless you put Bob Weir in that and then it's three again.
So either way, I think it's the thir the three are tied up. And gets tied up.
So now it would start over again. Mm-hmm. Look at that. Man 26 is already picking him off, innit? Good night.
Good night. So Yeah, I she was great. She was in every Unless you're not going to be able to do it. Right.
Almost. almost every movie of my childhood. She's in everything. This isn't everything. All the Beetlejuice.
She was really great in Beetlejuice and the last Beetlejuice, too. I thought that was very good, too. But she was a very kooky when Moira and Schitt's Creek was one of the funniest things I've ever seen when she did the fruit wine commercial. If you love fruit wine as much as I do, You're gonna love her for blinders. Fruit line.
So great.
So rule of three, satisfied. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. This episode is brought to you by Kleenex Lotion Tissues. Cold season has a way of showing up like an unexpected plot twist.
Right in the middle of big moments, good stories, and days that are already full. That's why it helps to keep a little comfort close. Kleenex lotion tissues help protect, soothe, and moisturize your skin, giving you the support you need right when you need it. Whether you're commuting, binge listening to your favorite show, or managing a little family chaos, Kleenex lotion tissues are made with coconut oil and aloe. For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex.
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