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And the man's mugshot is even, bleh. Florida Man pleads guilty to stealing pool floats for sexual gratification. For what?
For, yeah, personal, romantical times. With floaties? With a pool float.
41 year old Christopher Monnen. Apparently he's had several pool float theft related incidents over the years. He stored, oh my gosh, 75 of them in a vacant house. And, yeah, he would steal only the pool floats. He would enter the victim's back pool area or cut through screens or whatever and steal them. He admitted via smoking gun what it was for. Now he's on what they call a community control sentence, which is an intensive form of probation. That's like house arrest. I mean, he apparently told the police that he uses the floats instead of raping women.
What? Can we kill him? Is it alright if we just murk him off the earth? Can we do that?
Because I feel like it's a matter of time. Was it like all, a certain kind of floaty? Like a certain... They didn't get into it, but I'm imagining things that he can mount, if you're asking me.
Which I hope you're not. Florida man sues Universal for $50,000 after a Harry Potter ride malfunctioned and left him stranded midair for an hour. An hour. Is that, I'm just wondering, is that what his time is worth?
$50,000 for an hour? So he was stranded. His name is Casey Cossie.
Of course it is. He said he suffered mental anguish. I just got anguish from his name. That he suffered mental anguish. He was on this park ride and he came to an abrupt stop. It stranded the car midair at an angle that left him tilted backward and to the right. And it took an hour for him to be removed from it and put into an upright position. So he's suing on two counts, premises, liability, and negligence. Well, I get it.
They said that it had similar problems in the past. $50,000. I'm just wondering what that's for. I mean, do I think that they probably are going to have to pay up?
Yeah, but $50,000 seems, I don't know. A Florida man hits an alligator, flips over the bike, and slides across the freeway. Oh my gosh. Two motorcyclists struck a six-foot gator on Interstate 4 in Volusia County. One was hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries, or both were, and they're now recovering. They recounted the crash and apparently they had it on like a little helmet camera and you could see it. I mean, it happened so fast and they're recovering. The gator was injured and they had to have Florida Fish and Wildlife come and deal with the gator. They thought it was a big blob on the road at first and it was a gator.
And the guy said, help me Jesus. So they're okay. And the gator, I guess, they don't know the total extent of the injuries, but I think they're rehabilitating it. That's all we know. Good night. Let's see here. Oh no, not that one. Not going to do that one. This one.
Nope, we had that one. Nope, I don't. Oh my gosh. Okay. Oh no, these are so gross.
This is the most innocent one I can use. A Florida man was caught on camera using a Ormond Beach carwash as a bathroom. Yeah, he was defecating in the carwash. And it was all caught on security footage. And he used the towels that they would, oh my gosh, the story gets grosser and grosser. Yeah, it was on West Granada Boulevard. It was an Ormond Beach carwash.
And apparently a guy, an 80-year-old man, relieved himself beside his car in a vacuuming area and then did a deuce and then used the towels that they used to wipe off the car and then threw it like it was just another windshield wipe into the basket of all the other towels. Great company, All Family Pharmacy. Take control of your health.
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That's how you get that 20% discount off of everything. Don't wait for permission to protect yourself. Be proactive. So Carine Jean-Pierre has announced that she's written a book about the broken Biden White House and what she sees as the betrayal of Biden by the Democrat Party. And she apparently thought, well, other people thought she was apparently totally incompetent. Democrats thought she was incompetent. And now her book, it's called Independent, a look inside a broken White House outside the party lines. She announces that she's leaving the Democrat Party and she's got a new book out. Oh, it's totally thirsty. It's completely thirsty. First off, no one believes that she's smart enough to write a book, number one.
Number two, no one believes that this was all organic. She is just pivoting because she's seeing which way the wind blows. The money making opportunities for talking people on the left are going to be moving to the center. That's going to be the thing for them because that pendulum is swinging back towards the other way. And so they're not going to make money by being on the left. They're going to make money by being centrists. That's what it is.
And they're going to go to the center of things and that's going to be their grift for a while. I don't know how you can do that. I really don't know. I don't know how you can profess ideas that you actually don't hold and act like it's a big thing, right?
I don't get it. Like I told you guys at the end of the show yesterday that we had an offer from a group to read ads for them and they're doing a $4 million ad buy across numerous states and they wanted us to read copy. And they were like, we need to know your answer now. And the copy they were asking me to read was about making the tax cuts permanent. And I'm like, oh, well, that's a nice thing.
Who doesn't like it? Well, then the way that I had to do some digging because they were very, very vague with their wording. And I find out that, oh, well, they want me to tell people to call their lawmakers and urge the passage of the big, beautiful bill, which I don't agree with. And it's also a lie because the tax cuts within it, I've literally read it. I've highlighted that portion of the bill for you on my substack are temporary. And so I said, no, I'm not going to accept any money and I'm not going to read this thing.
I'm not going to read it. I got to tell you, there is a whole industry that people will take money completely on the right and left and they will profess ideas that are not their own. It's really easy to see on the right. The left has been doing it for years. The right just figured out the grift. But the left has been doing it for years. But the people on the right, you can see it fairly easily. But I can't imagine sitting and talking to you guys every day, everybody out there in the audience, whether you're watching or listening, and professing an idea that I don't believe in. I just, either I am not, either I would be a horrible actress in another life or I don't know, I just can't, there's no way.
I can't figure out how. And she has the whole book on it, Karine Jean-Pierre. So Cain, what do you think, where does she, do you think that she really believed the stuff that she was, when she was a member of the administration as a Democrat? Was that her real belief or is this her real belief? To be honest with you, I don't really know, but I suspect at the time she was the White House press secretary that she was doing what she was told to do because she had zero experience in this area. She was thrust out there in front of everyone saying things like amoritis and tyranny and the Nordstrom pipeline. It was clear her experience was nil. So I think she was just a yes person and just doing what she was told to do.
Yeah. Well, the other Democrats are really mad at her for coming out and being like, well, ta-da, here's my big reveal. We're all mad.
I'm just, I'm not mad because that means that I would have had a hope disappointed and I had none. That's a good point. I apply the stoics mentality.
Stoicism is a great ideology for things like this. I don't expect anything and I have the worst opinion of everybody. So that way I'm always pleasantly surprised. You're right.
Actually, that's a good way to do it. I just get upset because I see how the media treats two different administrations. They gave KJP so much grace and didn't challenge her on pretty much anything. And Carolyn Levitt can be out there with 100 percent facts and they keep pushing on her as though she's lying. Carolyn Levitt is like the younger sister of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Yeah. More energetic.
They both have this I'm going to pull the minivan over and beat your ass like mentality. Sarah Sanders, I think, seemed a little bit more. I like her a lot. She seemed a little bit more. Are you kidding me? Like, I think she actually would do it. But you're right.
And oh, my gosh, some of the stuff that cage. I mean, I don't want to relitigate it because we lived it. But they said that. So one of the pieces that I was reading about her this morning was Axios and it said the fighting within Biden world. OK, so let's talk for a minute about the fighting within Biden world, because right now the media only wants to focus on Trump and Musk and the coalition on the right. Now, granted, that's a fragile coalition. I get it.
That's I'm not subtracting from that. But do you realize the problems are very different? And here's why. The problem on the right is because there are a lot of people and they have a lot of ideas that are on a spectrum of good to bad.
But there are a lot of people with a lot of ideas, right? There is no shortage of people or proposals on the left. Who do they have? Trying to think, who do they have on the left? Who? Who do they have? I want you to wherever you are. I want you to just do this quick exercise with me.
It's under 60 seconds. I want you to stop for a minute and I want you to think if Democrats had to run another candidate for president right now, who would they run? Who would even be their VP?
Who would they fill in their cab? Who would they have in their cabinet? If Democrats had to have a speaker of the House, a legitimate speaker who was not a moron and actually understood parliamentary procedure, who would they be able to have in the House even? Because Pelosi is actually too old.
I mean, think of all of these important benchmarks. They don't have anybody. They don't have anybody.
They're having an existential crisis right now. They lied to their base, said, no, this old fart is totally fit to run. He's a fiddled fart. He's ready to run.
Oh, wait, no, he's not. We're going to switch him out and we're going to put Kamala, who is completely not ready for primetime and she won't ever be ready for primetime. She is a total nepo baby. Kamala Harris has been given handout after handout after handout. Has she ever actually had a run for a seat? Because I think she's been appointed to everything her whole life. I mean, aside from when she was on the presidential ticket, but that's, you know, she was just sort of dead weight there.
Everything. She was groomed. Everything was handed to her because she checked all these boxes.
What she lacked in personality, substance, smarts and any kind of presence, she made up for in spades with favors and nepotism and handouts. So now, instead of admitting that they went along with this whole grift, now they're all trying to write books on. Oh, no, I too was surprised. What do you mean you were surprised? You were there in from the beginning.
You were in that man's pocket. How are you surprised? Like, I'm looking at this and they said, oh, she was.
Oh, man. And they're coming for her with knives out. I think people are not going to read her book. I predict that her book will not be a bestseller. Because A, girlfriend did not write this book.
This is a ghostwritten book. B, well, listen to this. She had meltdowns after any interview that asked about a topic not sent over by producers. That's one source. She was the most ineffectual and unprepared person I've ever worked with. That's another source.
She didn't know how to manage a team, how to shape or deliver a message and created more problems than she solved, said another. Another one, the hubris of thinking you can position yourself as an outsider when you've not only enjoyed the perks of extreme proximity to power, which bestows the name recognition needed to sell books off your name, but have actively wielded it from the biggest pulpit there is, as breath is as breathtaking as it is desperate, and it's difficult to see how this is anything but a bizarre cash grab. Another one, the amount of time that was spent coddling her and appeasing her was astronomical compared to our attention on actual matters of substance. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Wow. Oh, man. Oh, their quotes are coming still. Oh, oh, oh.
And there's a lot of receipts, apparently. Hmm. Like, one of them said this is my favorite quote from her. And it was apparently something that she had herself on Instagram quote, we need to stop thinking in boxes and think outside of our boxes. Yeah.
How is she different from Kamala? It's like they share the same brain cell. Oh, my gosh. So now the chat thinks it'll be Newsom and Moore, Gavin Newsom, Wes Moore. Newsom is almost ready for primetime, but there's a lot of his baggage that I don't know if it's going to stand up to national scrutiny.
That'll be a big one. But who do they have? That's the existential crisis on the left. All these people. I've never seen so many people in a presidential administration rushing out to write smack about their former boss, not even with Trump.
You didn't even have this many people running out writing this many books under Trump this first term. Our friends over at Caltech, the new Gen 3 Sub 2K, one of their newest innovations from the genius mind of George Kellgren, they raised the bar again. And the Sub 2K, this is the, this is the carbine that folds in half. And now it comes in 10 millimeter.
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It's time for Dana's Quick Five. Memorial Day beer sales. This fascinates me.
Beer sales fizzled over Memorial Day. How weird is that? That's so weird. Now, Goldman Sachs says this is a report from them. Goldman Sachs says that they got that a number of brands got hit really hard. Heineken got hard. You know why? Because it smells like a fart. Heineken is the nastiest beer. Is it not the nastiest beer? Steve, is Heineken not one of the nastiest?
I may or may not have had it last weekend. Okay, Steve is out of the question. Juan. Oh, man, Juan. Because Juan has good taste.
I'm sorry, Steve, but we're going to have a beer intervention with you, sir. But apparently they got hit the hardest. Now, you could say it has to do with tariffs, inflation, blah, blah, blah. But Kean thinks that it's... I'm not going to have the letters right. I was going to say TCH and that's not correct. THC. Yep. You think it's because of the THC drinks?
I think THC and CBD, not only the drinks, but the products themselves. Now, I'm so sorry. I sound like a Martian. I literally did not know you could drink it until like a week ago. Yeah.
For real. I didn't know that they had that. I didn't know they did that.
So that kind of explains it a little bit. People have been turning to those because they end up getting a little buzz from it, but they don't have the hangover that alcohol is known for. In the drink? Yes. So it's like a pot drink?
It's like a... Yes. Yes. Science is really crazy. I didn't even know that. Yeah. I know like all the stoners out there are like, how did you not... Because it's not my jam.
But I just... Technological progression. I think alcohol is suffering from that.
And I think that's why a lot of these legislatures where these big alcohol companies donate to these politicians to keep THC and CBD out of states and out of everywhere else. All right. So we'll talk more about it. Army meets recruiting target months ahead of schedule. They said that they've been having a successful recruiting season. This is... They hit their annual recruiting target of 61,000 in the first week of June, four months ahead of the scheduled September 30th deadline after they put in place new initiatives to boost recruitment. That's a pretty stunning turnaround.
So long as they keep like focusing on lethality and achieving objective, I think that they're not going to have any problem. A U.S. town is rattled by dozens of earthquakes overnight. There's a big mystery about this. They're trying to figure out why it is. U.S. Geological Survey recorded it. They say it's a swarm of earthquakes near the town of Stanley, which has fewer than 150 people right on a fault line that's capable of producing major quakes.
The latest tremor was a three and a half magnitude that hit on Wednesday. Interesting. Scientists created an artificial eye that could give AI human-like sight. I would totally get an artificial eye that let me shoot lasers or like do some crazy stuff.
I would totally do that. I am all for... What is it? Like bionics or is that what it is?
Oh, man, I'm so totally for that. Yeah, like bionic arms, bionic legs, bionic ankles, bionic knees, bionic hearts, right? Bionic wrists. For those of you who deal with... What's the thing where they get the stiffness in their hands and that? Arthritis? Early onset rigor mortis? No, not really onset rigor mortis.
I get that you hate old people, but that's not what it is. But I would... Would you get a bionic eye? I don't know. My eyes are okay. Maybe if I get... I mean, I totally would. Why not? Maybe if my eyes get janky, I'll probably do it. I have to wear reading glasses. So some people are like, well, why do you wear glasses? Because it also depends on like if it's bad allergies because your girl looks like wakes up looking like a prizefighter.
I'm not even joking. You guys would... Your jaws would drop if I did not do like the cold... All of that.
You guys would be like, what is the matter with you? But yeah, I have to because I'm farsighted, which means I struggle with stuff near. But then it's a big deal. Anyway, I'd give up an eye for that since it's not totally perfect.
I did have perfect vision, but I read so much. It kind of takes its toll. Also, this is lame. So the DNC has been mocking Trump with a taco truck. Well, it turns out I'm into tacos. So what? The DNC, they commandeered a taco truck to mock the taco thing.
Trump always chickens out. This is so lame. First off, it's a day late and a dollar short and it's just cringe.
It's almost as cringe as that Meghan Markle twerking video that just killed us all. Yeah. Oh, dude, it's so gross.
Yeah, it's gross in our house, but it's gross. But in the meantime, we have an update about, you know, that terrorist who's in... who set people on fire, by the way. Lorena is a great piece up over at Substack.
Chapter and verse for you subscribers. They released more details about that terror attack in Boulder. Remember the guy who was here illegally? He's not a neo-Nazi, apparently, according to the Boston mayor.
15 people now injured, including eight women, seven men between the ages of 25 and 88 and one dog, the dog. The terrorists told police that he had planned this for over a year. And he made a video before the attack.
You tell me if you think this is just a Boulder dad, audio soundbite nine. He's saying Allah is greater than the F-35 planes and blah, blah, blah. He's talking about the Zionists. So he made this video. Put it on X. I guess he wanted his family to do terrorism too.
This guy was an absolute, I mean, he's evil and he set Jewish people on fire. He was going to do a heck of a lot more. He was carefully researching his targets. He had dressed as a groundskeeper.
He even bought plants from Home Depot to really sell the ideal. And then when enough of the crowd had gathered, Lorena noted, he used the hose that was on his backpack to spray gasoline on everybody and then try to light them and then lit them up with a homemade flamethrower. When that didn't work the way at one, he used the Molotov cocktails and he had hid those in the bushes, but then he winded up lighting himself on fire and he ripped off his shirt and his vest to get the fire off of them. That's why he didn't have a shirt on in the videos. And then he said that he only threw two because he said he had never heard anybody before.
And Lorraine says that she thinks it was because he got hurt because he singed himself with the fire of the Molotov cocktails and that kind of scared him. And so he didn't do more. And remember this guy, he was here illegally. His visa expired. Then he applied for asylum. And then Biden gave him a work visa. And then that visa expired last March.
And his daughter, they're all Egyptian nationals. And all the whole family was here illegally. And DHS was going to deport them all.
You remember hearing these sob stories. The daughter was like, I wanted to study medicine in the United States. You were here illegally.
You're a grown woman. You were here illegally. And at no time did you take it upon yourself to legalize your status.
So I'm sure you can study medicine in Egypt. And so they were all going to be deported. Well, then this judge stepped in. This judge, Susanna Dvortzen, or sorry, she's the immigration attorney in Boulder, Colorado who filed the case. But they had a judge that stepped in and was like, nope, we're not going to allow this deportation to happen. It was a Biden judge that halted the attempt. They said it could cause, quote, irreparable harm to deport them.
Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, like setting someone on fire and then having to study medicine in Egypt instead of the U.S., how would you rate that reparable harm? Goodness. And then, of course, the immigration attorney in Boulder, a big old socialist who Elaine noted once worked as an elector for a Marxist candidate in California. And she also didn't disclose a lot of stuff back in 07 and got fired from her job back then.
So it sounds like a real standup person. Makes sense that she's defending a terrorist. But the idea, all these individuals were coming out saying that it was just so mean, Cain, that POTUS was, and DHS, they were all, they wanted to deport this sweet daughter who we actually still don't know the extent of her participation in all of this.
But again, she's here illegally. Why? Well, by his own admission, he cared more for jihad than he did his own family. Yes. He said that. So it's not, you know, we're just accommodating his wishes.
I mean, this is how USA Today wrote it. Boulder suspects daughter dreamed of studying medicine, and now she faces deportation. It's so sad. Yeah, because she's here illegally. The end. She's been here illegally for over a year. The end.
You know, so I know I've told this story before, but let me just tell you how this doesn't fly in other countries. One of the, when I used to go, I do my Fox hits from my studio here, but I used to have to go to a different studio in downtown Dallas. And there was a, they always would have a makeup artist there that would get you ready for TV. And she was always very nice. And she had a daughter who went to study art in Ireland and she got her undergrad degree. And I think it was like two month and a half, two months before she graduated. She got a notice from the Irish government saying that they were aware that she was going to be graduating. And she had X amount of days after her graduation to leave the country unless she was planning on staying and seeking higher education in a specialized field, at which point she would need the Irish immigration officials to sign off on her being able to stay longer legally.
Right. And they kept following up with her. They started calling her. They even, she even had a visit and then she applied and wanted to stay. She didn't want to take more. She didn't want to take grad graduate classes. She wanted to just stay in Ireland and she was going to just take a couple of college classes here or there.
But they said that because those those credits didn't count for anything towards a grad degree and it was at her same level or lower of education that they could not grant her request. And so she had to leave and they showed up. They said they were going to show up on the last day that she would allow to be here in the country legally to make sure she was leaving. And she left before that last day.
But she and her and the style, the artist was saying that her daughter was a little left leaning, was just put out of sorts by that. Like she couldn't believe that Ireland was being so mean. It's like they have the right to do that, though. That's their country. Like if you're if you're not going to stay there and really contribute and you're just going to take a couple of same level classes, they have no obligation to continue to allow you to stay.
So she ended up coming back. We don't do that here. That's in Ireland. Now, Ireland is a super, they're super lefty. They're super lefty.
The People's Republic, the Republic Ireland, very lefty. I mean, they, you know, the abortion laws, everything else. But that's one law that they apparently weren't really messing around with.
I think that's changed in recent years. This happened like six, seven years ago. But even then, can you imagine if we did that here? King, can you imagine instead of having all these stupid immigration judges, what if it was just that nobody actually goes and sees again? If we had, yeah, we're going to make sure you're leaving.
There's nothing wrong with that. She was, her stay was not going to be in line with what they wanted. And so that doesn't and they have the ultimate authority on that.
That makes sense, right? No, this, but this girl, she thought she could still stay. They're still investigating the family. It would be unusual if the family wasn't involved. And I think if you know that your dad's a terrorist and he's planning on killing people and you don't say anything, you need to go anyway. I mean, you can't sit here and tell me that. This guy, I mean, this guy was such a, is such a fanatic.
You cannot tell me that they were unaware. Like what did he just like not talk about any of this stuff at home? Honestly, I mean, he's sitting here saying that he cares about jihad more than his wife and kids.
You tell me. You really think that this guy didn't talk about this stuff at home and he and you heard him say he had asked his wife and son to apparently do some things. And when they didn't do it the way he wanted, he got mad.
So, yeah, I'm pretty sure the family knew. They all got to go regardless. We have no obligation to keep them here.
No obligation to keep them here. And the people who argue otherwise, I mean, why don't you just go ahead and we'll go back to the days of the fall of Rome when you had the Visigoths and the Goths and the Huns and the Barbarians and everyone else. And Rome thought that they just had to open their doors to everyone and make everyone a citizen regardless of whatever. And they ended up doing themselves in, in part because of that policy.
Apparently, we don't teach history well enough anymore so that people can learn from it. It's asinine. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana Lashes absurd truth podcast.
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