Absurd Truth: Habemus Papam!!

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Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man.

Don't do this. Yellowstone National Park, a Florida man was injured when he was gored by a bison, said the National Park Service. A bison, this is the first reported incident of a person injured by a bison in Yellowstone this year. Park ain't been open for two weeks and immediately somebody's out there getting gored.

And guess why? Do you think it was because he was minding a respectful distance from the bison? No.

No. No, he wanted to get up and close and personal with it. So he got minor injuries, was treated by emergency medical personnel. You're told to keep, in fact, Yellowstone requires that you keep 25 yards away from the man-imals up there and 100 yards away from bears and wolves. 25 from all large animals, 100 yards from bears and wolves. And bison have injured more people in Yellowstone than any other animal. They're not aggressive, but when people get up in their faces, yeah, nobody likes that.

Not even me. I'd gore you too if I had horns. And then in May 2024, a dude kicked a bison in the leg and guess what? It kicked him back and injured him.

And then he got arrested and jailed because he kicked a bison. Yeah, just don't be a moron and don't like try to go up and get a selfie with it. And everything's cool, right? It's so simple. I mean, this is not hard. If a kid tells you that there's somebody in their closet, maybe just don't disregard it.

Like if you're this kid. A Florida man was arrested because he was hiding in a kid's bedroom closet. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. This Florida man, he ran away from law enforcement, fled into a home and hid in a kid's bedroom closet. Liberty County Sheriff Robert Arnold, deputies got a call on Tuesday about a suspicious person. The guy identified as Bobby McKenzie. He took off on a four wheeler and ditched it, ran into a house and they, uh, yeah, they found him hiding in a child's bedroom closet and the individuals who called it in, they said thank you to them. The guy had a warrant out for aggravated assault.

He also had, oh gosh, he hid a bag containing a bunch of meth and all kinds of drug paraphernalia under the kid's bed. Man. Oh man. I'm telling you. The Florida man got pulled over and then led police on a foot chase after they caught him. They left and said, you thought you were Usain Bolt. Yeah, well that's funny. It is.

Uh, they, uh, let him on a, he led cops on a foot chase through Daytona Beach. Xavier McCall. You don't need to have an apostrophe after the X. Okay. There's literally no need because the name is okay.

I can't even do the story. The name is X, A, V, I, E, R. The apostrophe is there to symbol, symbolize the absence of a vowel and yet connect the word, but it's X, A, Xavier and that's how it's spelled. You don't need an apostrophe to make your cheap broke ass look fancy. Stop it. That's so stupid. Who named you?

Your mother ought to be arrested because she's dumb. They could not provide. Who does the name like this? That's like having your name Amber and an apostrophe after the A in between the A and M. Shut up. They could not provide Daytona Xavier McCall with an apostrophe. Could not provide Daytona Beach officers with his license. He said he was in his grandma's vehicle. They asked him to get off. He took off and, uh, they were able to catch him, cornered him and take him into custody and he's in the pokey now. Uh, so, uh, yeah, they go, you're not supposed to be breathing like that from a short little run, dude. So clearly he, his cardio was bad. I love the body cam footage when they're chasing him too. This guy was not getting far and he, and the cops were like, dude, you're younger than us. You should be faster than this. And one of them said that the dude smoked too much. And that's why he didn't, he didn't have good blood circulation or cardio. He also thought his grandma's car all the way.

Can I just keep that? Keep this footage going. Doesn't that look like the cop running? His arms are just crazy. He, he's like one of those blow up dolls outside of a car dealership like that.

It just, his arms will slip mad when they're, when he's running. Uh, let's see here. Oh, oh, by the way, our bison story came from Florida man, Keith or no listener Keith. Our Florida man bison story came from listener Keith. So thank you from that.

Uh, let's see. Drunk Florida man crashes his Tesla. This is a villages story. It's a villages story. A villager, minecraft crashed his Tesla in a roundabout. Of course he did. And then when he, when police came, he made up a fictional girlfriend and said, no, it's yeah. Stacy, my girlfriend Stacy, he literally made up a whole woman and fabricated a name and told police that Stacy crashed his Tesla and ran away.

I know. And so the man after, after he crashed the roundabout, he flooded the village of Hawkins and they found 63 year old Jeff Jeffrey Treadwell, uh, in match descriptions. He began blaming his girlfriend. He said, Stacy did it.

Stacy ran away after she crashed into the roundabout. And, uh, he goes, it's a girl I met in Brownwood. Stacy's her name. And, uh, he was drinking. I mean, clearly. And they concluded that Stacy was completely made up.

So they booked him in Sumter County detention center and he was released on $1,100 bond. Yeah. That's not, can you imagine? Yeah. It was a Stacy that did it. Yeah.

I'm going to start using that excuse. I didn't do it. Stacy did it. Stacy also crashed that car in that, uh, roundabout down in Florida. Did you hear about that?

Did you hear about what Stacy did? That floozy. Yeah, man, she's a floozy. They're all floozy.

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Subscribe to the Miracle Files wherever you get your podcasts and join us on this thrilling journey of faith and miracles. Give his blessing to the assembled. The new pope emerges, he dresses in his papal vestments, gets out and he's not giving his blessing to the assembled masses. And of course, it's in Latin.

So you know, you know, you Latin speakers. But I, my name is my pope name pick is the coldest ever do it. I know that they're probably not going to do that. But we'll see. But out there on that I will say man, the pageantry and the theater of it is fabulous.

It's very fabulous. So they they have announced the new pope. And they'll they'll have the name out giving the first blessing. And so it looks like is it Pope Leo? They're gonna give him their Twitter password, the Twitter account.

We're following all this live just like you all are. And the new pope being announced Cardinal Prevost. And that is that is the and he's been in Latin America.

So he's been in like Central South America, most of his time. And so that's the that is the cardinal who who was elected, who was selected as pope. But wow, is this an American pope? Wait a minute.

That would be interesting, because that's never happened before. Right? There's never been an American pope. The pope is an American.

Wow. That's pretty significant. So it's Pope Leo is going to be the new pope's name. Pope Leo kind of like the way that sounds, although Piazza balla was still a kind of a favorite, I gotta say that was still kind of a favorite. But apparently it's an American pope. That's pretty significant. So if you're just joining us, we are covering the selection of the new pope. And like I said, one of the reasons why I like watching this is I go back to the time of Reagan and Thatcher and Pope John Paul, and the trifecta that worked together to help end the scourge of communism.

And I, you know, when you're living it at the moment, I think it's a lot harder to do this inventory. But when you look back in history, it's pretty significant, don't you think? The I think it's incredibly significant, the all these people that are that come together at this one particular time. And I just find that incredibly fascinating.

They assembled faithful there in St. Peter's Square. And we're getting all of this stuff, too. We'll bring you as we get it. I mean, you know, it's live, we don't have a newsroom.

So we're following along just like you all are. But it looks like Pope Leo's the name. And if that's an American pope, that is very unusual.

Because I don't think that there has there hasn't been an American pope before. From Chicago. Very, very interesting. So, Prevost is from Chicago. And it's now and the name that he has taken is Pope Leo.

Wow, from the Americas. And a lot of I think this guy was in contention. A friend of mine says he was in contention, but a lot of people were downplaying it for the simple fact that he is American. And a lot of people were thinking you're not going to have an American pope. Wow, that is incredibly significant.

So that's all been announced. An American cardinal is the one who was chosen. He spent a lot of time Latin America, South America, really, in Peru.

Apparently, Pearl of Rain, CBS, holds nationalities in the US and Peru. And that's where there's been, it's interesting in the, what, maybe 25 to 30 years, there was a significant increase. Actually, in the last 50 years, there was an increase in Catholicism, practicing Catholics in Central and South America, South America, particularly, but then it started waning. And then, with the new generation, Gen Z, it there's an uptick again. And it's an uptick not just in Latin American countries, but kind of around the world. It's that there's something about that generation.

And I think they got so far removed from any kind of, maybe structure, religious structure within the practice or practice of religion, that now more and more are going to church and they're living faith again. Yeah, we were kind of partial Cardinal Sarah, because that man does not hold back on quotes. He was one year, he's one year away from being eligible to vote, or for being ineligible to vote for pope, because they think they stop allowing you to vote for pope if you're aiding. I think Cardinal Sarah is like 79. And then you have Piazza Balla, who was the other one that was a lot of people were warming to. Very, too very conservative. So we're going to talk more about this.

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It's time for Dana's quick five. St. Louis man was arrested after sitting naked in the St. Louis terminal airport. Do they ever remove the plywood from the windows from that tornado some years ago? Eventually. I asked them that three years after the tornado hit and Lambert, the official ex-account went at me.

They hire the best. The St. Louis county circuit judge signed an arrest warrant for a guy who sat naked inside of the airport terminal. A probable cause statement had happened.

April 25th, terminal one. The guy's named Darius Walker. He attempted to cover himself when he was, when somebody approached. He was sitting in the terminal chair, belt unbuckled. So it sounds like he had clothes. If his belt was unbuckled, maybe the people at Fox 2 now, maybe they could write a decent story that clarifies this before they finalize a headline. That would be super helpful for people trying to share the news.

Meanwhile, let's see if the New York Post did one better. A seven-year-old boy drove his little sister nine miles in his mom's SUV to get a McDonald's Happy Meal. That's a good big brother. Wait, no, it's not. Stop. You're seven years old. You can't be driving a car. He drove his sister nine miles, his little baby sister and the mom was shocked. She goes, he's probably grounded for the rest of his life. They were in Utah and it was 8 a.m. and police were called. They were alerted to a reckless driver and the SUV did not come to a stop until they hit a parking strip and they found a seven-year-old and a five-year-old inside unscathed. And they made it nine miles from their home, cash in hand to buy Happy Meals. That's going to be a story they're going to tell for the rest of their lives.

Thankfully, nobody was hurt. But can I just ask how in the hell you, mom, did not know that your kids had taken the car and driven nine miles away when they're seven and five years old? Oh, I can't be judgmental.

Yes, because I've had two kids like that separated that age distance. I think I would know if my kids took my car and drove to McDonald's. So I don't know, like what was happening in that house?

I mean, watch your kids. Let's see. And this AI of dead Arizona road rage victim addresses killer in court. They used this in court.

A clip of a guy who was killed in 2021 said, I believe in forgiveness after his sister fed an AI model videos of him and they used it in court. I don't like that at all. And that should not, I don't think that should be allowed. That is creepy. And that is really creepy. I know.

And how? No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I don't. I don't know. We got a couple headlines in here repeatedly.

Let's see going back up this. The a tourist was bitten by a crocodile while taking a selfie at a zoo because he thought the animal was fake. Well, in his defense, they do say very still.

They do. He was 29 years old, but his problem was that he literally climbed in the enclosure and he was promptly bitten by a female crocodile. He thought it was fake. And so he climbed into the enclosure to get a photo with it. But again, it was fake. The zookeeper had to go in and hit the crocodile on the head to get her to open her mouth. And he got more than 50 stitches for his injuries.

And I hope that they billed him for any injuries to the crocodile since he climbed into the enclosure. Goodness. Good afternoon. Good afternoon. I am Corporal Carly McCann, Provincial Public Information Officer for the Nova Scotia RCMP. Thank you all for being here today. Bonjour. Je suis la Capéral Carly McCann, et gens d'information public collager d'arsais en nouvelle est casse. Merci. First, I acknowledge that we are in Mi'kma'ki, the traditional and unceded ancestral territory of the Mi'kmaq people.

I also recognize that African Nova Scotians are a distinct people whose histories, legacies and contributions have enriched that part of Mi'kma'ki known as Nova Scotia for over 400 years. This is the equivalent of throwing the virgin in the volcano to appease the fire gods. That's exactly what that is. So that's the police. They're trying. They were holding a press conference on missing kids. Yeah. Yeah.

They were holding a press conference on two missing kids. And they started off with a land acknowledgement. Shut up. I don't care what stupid land you're on.

That's so dumb. You're talking about missing kids. First, we can't get started until we acknowledge that we're on the missing lands of the Lilliputian people. And we have to thank the Lilliputians for allowing us to have this press conference here before we start talking about the missing kids, which are actually not as important as acknowledging the Lilliputians.

That's what that's how dumb this sounds. You're talking about missing kids like little kids, a six year old and a four year old. They've been missing a rural Canada for four days. And they had rescuers combing the woods looking for them. And it is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. That's the RCMP that she mentioned.

And it's they had helicopters, everything, but they could not start until they did a land acknowledgement. That these are not serious people. I have literally never heard that since this is such it's a perform it's performative theater. It is performative theater.

You have time is critical. Two kids are missing. Families have their hearts broken. And this stooge broad gets up there. Oh, we're gonna do what? What? What? This doesn't even make any sense. Is it?

She sounds she sounds like a hostage video. That's so that is. I'm just shocked.

I don't know, man. That's Can you imagine if you're the family and you've got, you know, your kids are missing, and you have the the police lady get up there and go, Oh, well, we recognize that we are on the land of the Lilliputians. And, you know, that's what that that's, that's crazy. Well, it's, they didn't start up talking about the kids. They started talking about that. I mean, again, it's performative is all get out.

It's so incredibly performative. I don't know. I don't know how long that lady's been on the forest or not.

But good heavens. I just shocked me. It shocked me. I don't understand the land acknowledgments. Nobody cares about land acknowledgement. Everybody stole land from everybody and you didn't steal it. It was conquered. You went in and you either moved and acclimated or you got conquered. People have been conquered all throughout history. Whenever anybody talks about Mount Rushmore.

Well, guess what? The Lakota took it from someone. Who did you steal it from? Lakota stole it. Who did they? They took them from Chippewa. Where did they take it before that? I mean, it's so stupid. Just quit.

What is it? What does any of that have to do with missing kids? Sorry, we have to pay the indulgence of mentioning these people before we can start talking about the bigger story of literal missing children. And you wonder why Canada is circling the crapper. That's why. Good heavens. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.