How to Have a Love Affair with Your Spouse - Part 2 - Part B

You get what this is saying. This is physical sexual enjoyment between a husband and a wife. If you think God is some celestial prude, some killjoy in heaven, you do not know him. This is what is in his Word.

This is what he invented. When experienced in its proper context, sexual pleasure is a beautiful gift from God who created it for our enjoyment. And today on Connect with Skip Heitzig, Pastor Skip shares how you can pursue God-honoring and God-given physical enjoyment in your marriage. But first, we want to tell you about a special resource to help you understand God's design for fatherhood. America is reaping the whirlwind of bad fruit from a generation of young men who lack the influence of a father. We desperately need to educate men of all ages and stages of life to begin to turn this destructive social trend.

Listen to Skip Heitzig. Where's dad? That's a crucial question in our world today. When fathers abandon their children, a series of dominoes begin to fall with devastating results. We see young men rampaging through streets, destroyed by drugs, then continuing the vicious cycle by creating fatherless homes. We need to educate boys and men of all ages about how dads make a difference. And that's the theme of our current resource package that includes my full hour video documentary called Where's Dad? Plus seven of my most important messages to men. I hope you'll order your copy now. Dads Make a Difference.

That's the title of a critical issues package you can order now. The Dads Make a Difference package includes seven of Skip's most important messages to men and the full hour video documentary Where's Dad? hosted by Skip. I think it's pretty easy to see from just a reading through of scripture that it is dad's responsibility to set the moral spiritual tone in the home.

Remember it was Joshua who said as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Get this package in either digital download or CD and DVD when you support Connect with Skip with your gift of $50 or more. You'll be joining us as we take Skip's Bible teachings into more major cities.

Request the Dads Make a Difference package online at connectwithskip.com or by calling 1-800-922-1888. Great. Now let's turn to Song of Solomon as Skip begins today's lesson. Here's the second pillar of a solid marriage. Enjoy each other emotionally. You are so different emotionally from your spouse. You know that. Ever thought about enjoying the difference instead of going we're so different? Yeah.

I think you knew that a long time ago. How about enjoying each other emotionally? Verse 18 says rejoice with the wife of your youth. Rejoicing is a word of emotion.

Samach is the Hebrew word. It means to brighten or to gladden or to make joyful. Solomon also wrote in Ecclesiastes chapter 9 live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life. Many people don't live joyfully. They live routinely, insipidly, enduringly, grimacingly. How many people enjoy the different emotions of a couple? Listen, there's two things that make a miserable marriage. Men and women. People are people.

So then how do you enjoy marriage? Okay, here's how. Ready? Here's how.

Ready? Here's how. Hard work. If you've been married for any length of time, you know what I'm saying is true.

Hard work. You don't have a good marriage because you say you have a good marriage. You don't have a good marriage because you want one. You don't have a good marriage because you know how to have one.

You have a good marriage because you have worked at it and committed to it and made a choice for it and your emotion of rejoicing will be the caboose that follows the engine of choice. If you want a green lawn, it takes work. If you want to have a clean garage, it takes work.

If you want to have a balanced checkbook, it takes work. If you want to have a solid, good, thriving, rejoicing relationship, it takes work. I say, okay, okay, what do I need to work on then emotionally to have this enjoyment? Well, two things will help and I'm being serious now.

Two things will help. And I'm speaking to men and women now because of the tendencies that men and women have naturally. Let me explain. Naturally, men tend to neglect their wives. That's the tendency.

That's their bent. That's who men are. If you put all things as they are into a marriage relationship, eventually because of how guys are wired, they're going to neglect their wives and focus on other stuff. Men tend to neglect their wives. Wives tend to nag their husbands. It's a tendency.

It's a bent. So I want to speak now to husbands and wives based upon those tendencies. Number one, husbands focus. Focus on your wife. Watch your focus. Find out what she needs and focus on that.

And focus on that. I'd like you to turn to the Song of Solomon again, chapter one, and look at a few verses. As Solomon is now speaking, listen to his poetic words toward his bride. Verse nine, listen to this. I have compared you, my love, to my horse. Isn't that romantic? My filly among Pharaoh's chariots. You're a wife.

You're a woman going, I don't feel complimented by that. But you've got to know something about Solomon. You know what he loved? He loved horses. He collected horses. He was like Jay Leno who collected classic cars and motorcycles and a guy like that saying, you're like, you're like the Mustang Shelby Cobra and better. A guy would go, wow, she must be awesome.

I get that. So for a guy who loved horses like that, it was quite a compliment. In fact, let me just say, men, if you have enough horse sense to treat your wife like a thoroughbred, she won't turn into an old nag. Love her like Solomon did. You're like a filly among Pharaoh's chariots.

Look down at verse 15, chapter one, Solomon speaking. Behold, you are fair, my love. Behold, you are fair. You have doves eyes. Okay, so again, you're going great. You have a horse head and you have bird eyes.

This guy just is knocking it out of the park. But here's what I discovered. You know what you think about doves eyes? They can only focus on one thing at a time.

It's a peculiar thing. They can focus on one thing only. So what he's saying is, sweetheart, you are so fair. I realize you have eyes for me only. And because I know that I have eyes for you only and I'm focusing on wanting you and meeting your needs.

I want to prove that to you. Look at chapter two, verse 14. Song of Solomon chapter two, verse 14. Same metaphor. Oh my dove, he says to her in the clefts of the rocks, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face.

Let me hear your voice for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely. Doves need to be coaxed out of the cliffs and the rocks or they won't get out in the open. It speaks of a husband when his wife is shut down emotionally. He's bringing her out to deal with it. He's focused. He's not neglecting. He's focused on her. So because men have a tendency to neglect their wives, men watch your focus.

Number two, this is for women. Women watch your words. Words have weight to them and they tear down or they build up. And when a man hears the words of his wife, they weigh on him. The Bible says words fitly spoken are like apples of gold in settings of silver.

But listen to this women, let this be a warning gals. This is Proverbs chapter 27 verse 15. A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. What is he saying?

Saying a leaky roof leaves a home unprotected. A nagging wife leaves a marriage unprotected. Replace nagging words with kind words. Replace nagging words, contentious words he uses with gracious words. Watch it work in your marriage.

Watch it work. Of Jesus Christ, the New Testament says people marveled at the gracious words that proceeded out of his mouth. Women, I hope it's not true that if you were to speak gracious words, people would marvel. Wow, she said something nice. But what a wonderful thing to marvel at gracious words proceeding out of your mouth.

Now it could be that up to this point, gals, you have worked off a grid, an old grid. And if you were to analyze, why did you just say that to your husband? You might answer, because it's true. That's why I said what I said, it's true. Yeah, but is it helpful?

Bible says all things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. Well, I said it because he deserved it. How's that working out for you? I said it because no one else says these things to him. Somebody's got to say it. Or I said it because it felt so good to say it. I needed to vent. Yeah.

Here's a new grid. Can I say it kindly? Can I say the same messaging kindly? Or can he hear that now?

Is now the time to say that? Think of that description, gracious words, or words of grace. You know what grace means, right? What does grace mean?

Anybody? Grace means unmerited favor. Undeserved favor. How about speaking undeserved words?

How about dishing some of that up at home? How about making a meal of those words? Sisters in Christ, hear me. How about giving your husband's words they don't deserve? Those are gracious words.

And all of that is the husband focuses on his wife's needs, and as the wife thinks carefully and phrases things graciously, that's going to create an enjoyment emotionally. You're going to rejoice. The third pillar, enjoy each other spiritually. Back in Proverbs 5, back in Proverbs 5, the word in verse 18 is blessed. That sounds like a church word, doesn't it? Be blessed. Be blessed and rejoice with the wife of your youth.

Verse 21, the ways of man, that is your ways, my ways, our ways are before the eyes of the Lord and he ponders all of his paths. In other words, as we saw last week, we touched on it, live under the umbrella that God knows everything I'm thinking, doing, saying, and I'm living under that reality. In other words, have a spiritual core in your relationship.

Have that at the center of your relationship. Before I met Lenya, it was at a potluck in Southern California, I spotted her across the room. I noticed her. I looked at her and I thought, she's really cute.

Red jeans, white blouse, flowing hair. I still remember what she looked like. And I took my breath away. I went, wow, I like to meet her. But that was before I met her. Before I met her, I was attracted to her physically.

I still was later, but that was the initial take. That night I met her. She walked up to me, put out her hand and go, hi, I'm Lenya. And she shook it really firmly.

I like that. So I was attracted to her physically. Then I met her and I was attracted to her personality. So we hung out, we dated, and then broke it off. She moved to Hawaii.

I was still at the beach in California for a couple of years. When we met again the third time, this time I was attracted to her spiritually. There was a depth of relationship in her life. She ministered to me out of the word. She prayed such words of depth. She still, to this day, has insights in the word of God. I steal them and preach them. A lot of them are her.

A lot of them are hers. So I was attracted to her physically, then her personality, then her spirituality. That's a wonderful, balanced relationship. Keep spirituality in your marriage. You've heard the old saying, a family that prays together what?

Did you know it's true? You know the research shows that the average American couple, and there's different polls, say about one out of every two marriages, divorce. But people who attend church regularly, their rate of divorce is much lower. And couples who pray together at home regularly goes way, way, way, way, way down in terms of the likelihood that they're going to divorce. So treat your wife like she's God's daughter because she is. Treat your husband like he's God's son because he is. Keep a spiritual core.

If you want to make your I do harder to undo, get a spiritual core. It's all about him. What does he want?

What is pleasing to the Lord? Here in Albuquerque, New Mexico, we have something called the big I. You know what the big I is, right? It's the one, one freeway interchange we have in the state, I think. One, the big I, who too far two freeways that actually come together and have like things going on. The big I. So you hear traffic or traffic today on the big I is a little bit crowded. Okay, cool.

Wow. You know what problems with marriages are? The big I. It's all about am I getting what I deserve? The big I. Are my needs getting met like I think the big I.

You will be a miserable person if in your marriage it's all about the big I. It needs to be about the big him. God, what does he want? This is his design.

This is his idea. I'm going to find my role. I'm going to submit to him in my role and I'm going to devote myself to that person and making this relationship great with the spiritual core. Enjoy each other's company, enjoy each other emotionally, enjoy each other spiritually. Fourth and finally we close with enjoy each other sexually.

Yes, I said the S word in church because God invented it and look what's written in the Bible. Once again, verse 18 that your fountain be blessed. Rejoice with the wife of your youth as a loving dear and a graceful doe. Let her breast satisfy you at all times and always be enraptured with her love.

Back to the water analogy of being refreshed, invigorated by the cool streams, fountains, and cisterns. This speaks of physical sexual love. Look at verse 19.

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. The word satisfied means satiated, saturated, or to have one's drink or one's fill. Verse 19 also says, always be enraptured with her love. Love means love making, the physical act of intercourse.

Enraptured, listen to this, I looked it up, means to be intoxicated with, to swerve, meander, real, roll. Get the picture? I don't have to break this down, right?

You get what this is saying. This is physical sexual enjoyment between a husband and a wife. If you think God is some celestial prude, some killjoy in heaven, you do not know him. This is what is in his word.

This is what he invented. In fact, in the New Testament, Proverbs chapter 13, or Hebrews 13, marriage is honorable among all and the bed is undefiled. That is the bed, the sexual experience of a marriage is sacred and it should be enjoyed. And yes, the Bible does condemn illicit sex.

It doesn't mean it condemns all of it, all sex. And as we said last week, it's like a fire in a fireplace. You take the fire outside of the fireplace, it will burn your life down. You keep it in the fireplace, get fired up about it.

Let it burn hot and passionately. And it says, always be enraptured with her love. And at all times, that sounds like frequently coming together. Now, I'm not going to get much into that except you're thinking, well, how frequent are you talking about?

I just want to say this. When intimacy in marriage is easy and natural and mutual, it's joy producing. On the other hand, when it's pressured and demanding and selfish, it's devastating.

And that's something that needs to be worked out between a couple. But I want you to turn to one passage and we'll quit here. Turn to Song of Solomon really quickly and look at chapter five. Chapter five is the wedding night.

And chapter five is the wife describing what she sees as she looks at her husband. Chapter five, verse 10, my beloved, is white and ruddy, chief among 10,000. His head is like the finest gold, his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the rivers of the waters, washed with milk, fitly set. His cheeks are like a bed of spices, banks in the water, his cheeks are like a bed of spices, banks of scented herbs.

His lips are lilies dripping liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold set with beryl, a translucent stone of many colors. His body is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires.

His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of fine gold. His countenance is like Lebanon, excellent as cedars. His mouth is most sweet. He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved. This is my friend, oh daughters of Jerusalem. She likes what she sees. And she says that. Now look at chapter seven, verse one.

The conflict has been resolved by this point later on in chapter seven, verse one. He says, how beautiful are your feet in sandals, oh prince's daughter. The curves of your thighs are like jewels.

This is in the Bible, folks. The work of the hands of a skillful workman, your navel is rounded, goblet it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.

I wonder if you men have that underlined. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which looks toward Damascus. I don't know about that one.

I'm going to just Skip right over that one. I love my hook-nose wife. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple. A king is held captive by your tresses. Oh fair, how fair and how pleasant you are.

Oh love with your delights. This stature of yours is like a palm tree and your breasts like its clusters. I said, I will go up to the palm tree.

I will take hold of its branches. Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your mouth like apples. Do you ever talk that way to each other?

I wonder what would happen if you did talk that way to each other. Just quote the Bible. It says right out of God's Word. Listen, God made every part of your body, and He equipped you with a nervous system to enjoy each other at the physical level. You were created by God physiologically to be stimulated.

And after God made His creation, the Bible says He looked over it all, and He said it is what? It is good. It is good. It is good. Let the fire burn hot and passionately within the fireplace of the marriage.

So you need to hear this. Sex is God given. It also must be God guided.

And these are the guidelines for it here. I want to close with a prayer that was written by Harry Hollis Jr., who said, Lord, it is difficult to know what sex really is. Is it some demon sent to torment me or some delicious seducer from reality? It is neither of these, Lord.

I know what sex is. It is body and spirit. It is passion and tenderness. It is strong embraces and gentle handholding. It is open nakedness and hidden mystery. It is joyful tears on a honeymooner's face.

It is tears on a wrinkled face of a golden wedding anniversary. Sex is a quiet look across a room, a love note on a pillow, a rose lying on the breakfast plate, laughter in the night. Sex is life, not all of life, but wrapped up in the meaning of life. Sex is your good gift, O God, to enrich life, to continue the race, to communicate, to show me who I am, to reveal my mate, to cleanse through one flesh. Lord, some people say that sex and religion do not mix, but your word says that sex is good.

Help me to keep it good in my life. Help me to be open about sex and still protect its mystery. Help me to see that sex is neither demon nor deity. Help me not to climb into a fantasy world with an imaginary sexual partner. Help me in the real world to love the people whom you have created. Teach me that my soul does not have to frown at sex for me to be a Christian.

It's hard for many people to say thank you God for sex because for them sex is more of a problem than a gift. They need to know that sex and gospel can be linked together again. That wraps up Skip Heitzig's message from the series Keep Calm and Marry On.

Find the full message as well as books, booklets, and complete teaching series at connectwithskip.com. Now let's go in the studio with Skip and Lenya with news about a trip to Israel you can take. I'm guessing that many of you have thought about, talked about, maybe even dreamed about visiting Israel.

Well, let's make that happen. Lenya and I are taking a tour group to Israel next summer in 2024. And I can't wait. We'll start in Tel Aviv, head north to Nazareth, the Sea of Galilee, and the Jordan River. We'll spend several days in Jerusalem and see the Garden of Gethsemane, the Upper Room, and so much more. And we'll wrap it all up with a swim in the Dead Sea. Now I've been to Israel many times, like over 40. In fact, I can honestly say though that visiting the places where the scriptures unfolded, where Jesus lived out his earthly ministry, it never gets old.

No, it doesn't. The incredible sightseeing will be punctuated by times of worship and teachings that you'll never forget. And Jeremy Camp and Adie Camp will be with us to lead worship. Make plans to join us next summer in Israel. See the itinerary and book this Israel tour with Pastor Skip Heitig at inspirationcruises.com slash C-A-B-Q.

That's inspirationcruises.com slash C-A-B-Q. Next time on Connect with Skip Heitig, Skip continues his series, Keep Calm and Marry On, with a powerful message of warning about unfaithfulness in marriage. Make a connection, make a connection at the foot of the cross and cast all burdens on his word. Make a connection, a connection. Connect with Skip Heitig is a presentation of Connection Communications, connecting you to God's never changing truth in ever-changing times.