The Hardest Word in a Marriage - Part B

John Piper wrote these words and I quote, The husband does not replace Christ as the woman's supreme authority. She must follow her husband's leadership, but she must not follow her husband's leadership into sin. Scripture teaches that the husband is to be head of the household, but are there exceptions?

As Skip Heitzig shares in his message today, there are limits to the authority of a husband because there is one who is head over all. But first we want to tell you about this month's special resource designed to bless you or a special mother in your life. Betty White said, It's not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

That's not a sly shot at dads. It's a compliment to the wonderful work of mothers. Here's a great way to show your appreciation for a mother in your life. It's the heart songs package, which features a teaching series on the Psalms led by Lenya and Janae Heitzig. Psalm 45 is a love song and in it you're going to find a groom and a bride and it's their wedding day and it includes an ornate dress and bridesmaids and perfume and gifts and guests. The heart songs package also includes a beautiful Sheology quiet time journal and a bag of Skip's library roast coffee. It's a great gift to honor a special woman in your life with encouragement and strength as she studies God's word and spends time in prayer, all while enjoying a delicious cup of the coffee Pastor Skip loves. The heart songs package is our thanks for your gift to help share biblical teaching and encouragement with others through the broadcast ministry of Connect with Skip Heitzig.

So be sure to request yours when you give online securely at connectwithskip.com slash offer or call 800-922-1888. Now let's turn to Ephesians five as we begin today's lesson. And now concerning the things of which you wrote to me it is good for a man not to touch a woman nevertheless because of sexual immorality let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. You understand see how the language infers mutuality not one has a person but both share each other. Verse three let the husband render to the wife the affection do her and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does but don't stop there men.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Both partners then submit because both belong to each other. So submission is the willingness to cooperate with and adapt to the needs of those you love.

Here's the big point. Every single person in life and principally in these family relationships has a role of submission. Men, women, children, parents and get this ready even Christ is called to submit.

I hope that grabbed your attention. I want you to see it in the scripture. You're in 1 Corinthians 7. Go over to 1 Corinthians 11. 1 Corinthians chapter 11.

You'll see how this principle works out and why it's applicable. 1 Corinthians 11 verse 2. Now I praise you brethren that you remember me in all things and keep the traditions just as I delivered them to you but I want you to know that the head of every man or husband in context every man is Christ and the head of woman is man and the head of Christ is God. Now does that verse mean that Jesus is somehow inferior to God? No we would be heretics if we stated that. Jesus said my father and I are one. Paul the apostle said Jesus was in very nature God but he didn't have a problem submitting to God the Father. That's why Jesus in John 6 said I didn't come from heaven to do my own will but the will of him that sent me. That's why in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus said if it's possible father let this cup pass from me nevertheless not as I will but as you will. So understand from that example the issue isn't superiority inferiority the issue is functionality and order that is needed in the Godhead it's needed in human government it's needed in the military and it's needed also in marriage.

God has arranged certain roles that without taking away the dignity of the individual relationships can work in order and in unity. When I was a kid my parents used to watch this show on television so I am very familiar with it growing up watching reruns of the Honeymooners. Remember that black and white show of Ralph and Alice Cramden this New York City couple that are getting along? Well they never did get along. It's a comedy but there's some dicey moments in it and Ralph Cramden was the head of the home he said that in every episode and if Alice's wife said something he didn't like you know he double up his physical to the moon Alice. I'm the king of the castle and then she would say oh Ralph don't start again and then they would go back and forth.

There's a lot of frustrated Ralph Cramdens in marital relationships. You talk back to me 20 push-ups submit. I'm not going to do that. Back to me 20 push-ups submit. And he's thinking I'm the head and she's thinking if you're the head then I'm the neck that turns the head wherever I want it to go. And so there's rivalry and competition and manipulation that sets in and there's not a mutual submission of a husband loving and a wife arranging in order underneath so that there can be unity. So first off submission is mutual. Here's the second statement that comes from the text. Submission is provisional. There's provisions attached to the idea of submission. It's not just a blanket statement submit. It has parameters around it.

That is it has a limited enforcement. Now I know some of you are already in verse 24 saying wait wait wait wait it says Skip in verse 24 wives are to submit to their husbands in what everything. However every text must be interpreted in the light of its context what's with and around the text so that you don't take a verse out of context. Look at it in its context.

Let's do it together. Look at some of the other words around it like in verse 21 where it says submitting to one another and notice in the fear reverence of God. Look at verse 22 the verse itself wives submit to your own husbands but look as to the Lord and then verse 24 as the church is subject to Christ so let their wives be to their husbands in everything. So that means that the everything here means everything consistent with the character of Christ that is not opposed to his revealed word.

This is what it means. If your husband tells you to do something that is not right don't pray don't read your Bible don't go to church go out and get drunk on the weekend with me if you would ever say that to you neglect the kids or whatever it might be that's opposed to what God told you to do. You don't submit to that. You now appeal to a higher authority that is even over your husband. God never asked a wife in the name of submission to violate his word.

Now let me add something to that. God doesn't require a wife to submit to the violent abusive behavior of a husband that would be out of control in that area. Christianity today did a study and released an article and the article was on battered Christian women.

Can you imagine even having to do a study on that? Battered Christian women in the study and they wrote it out in the article two thirds of these women said it was their Christian responsibility to endure their husband's violence. 55 percent reported that their husbands told them that if they be more submissive the violence would stop and one third believed their husbands thinking that submission was the key to resolving domestic violence but it was not. Now go back to what you read in the bible with me moments ago 1st Corinthians 11. Remember the chain of command God the father Jesus Christ man then woman.

If that chain is broken anywhere along the line God's order is broken. So if Jesus is not the head over the husband but as the head over the wife if Jesus isn't over that husband who is giving orders to his wife if what he says to his wife is contrary to what God has said in his word the wife must step out of submission to her husband and submit to the Lord. It's a principle found in Acts chapter 5 when a law was passed in Jerusalem for the apostles not to preach the gospel anymore. But now wait a minute Jesus told them to go into all the world and preach the gospel. That's why Peter said not going to do it not going to obey you we must obey God rather than man.

That's the principle. Now I want to caution you wives just in case when you hear these words you're thinking hot diggity dog I'm free at last I'm free at last I do not have to submit to that creep. He's telling me things that aren't biblical and I'm going to just no way.

Watch your attitude. John Piper wrote these words and I quote the husband does not replace Christ as the woman's supreme authority. She must follow her husband's leadership but she must not follow her husband's leadership into sin. Even where a Christian wife may have to stand with Christ against the sinful will of her husband she can still have a spirit of submission. She can show by her attitude and behavior that she does not like resisting his will and that she longs for him to forsake his sin and lead in righteousness so that her disposition to honor him as head can again produce harmony. It's that attitude boy I'd love to submit to you but I can't I really want to I want love to see you in obedience to Jesus Christ but you're not and you're asking me to do something that would violate that relationship with him and I can't obey it though I'd love to obey you I just can't do it now. That's what Peter meant when he wrote about submission in 1 Peter chapter 3 he said wives be submissive to your own husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word that is the truth of the gospel they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. You could lead your husband to Christ by an attitude of submission even if it resists his will that's not surrendered to Christ. Now let me give you the third principle submission is purposeful submission is mutual it's provisional but it has a goal it's purposeful it's not like God says do what I say just because I said it he said do what I say because there's a goal to the role and it's twofold goal number one women your submission to your husband will enable his leadership that's implied in verse 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church and he's the savior of the body. You know many women say they long for their husbands to be leaders in the home but they never let them lead could it be it's not always the case but could it be that your husband is not a good leader because you're not a good follower you got to let go of the rope you got to relinquish some control it could be hard for him to be leader because you're not letting him do that. Remember leadership implies the relinquishing of control and power to the leader. Now a wife might think well if he'd only do what I say he'd be a good leader. This guy doesn't lead well he doesn't he he makes stupid decisions be careful don't go there don't go there he did choose to ask you to marry him so I'd probably just push that aside for the moment and forget about his role just understand that submission to him might enable him to blossom it could be that if you step back and he might struggle at first that your submission could cause him to rise up and become what he could never be unless you just relinquished. It's a great story about Pete Flaherty who was the county commissioner in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He and his wife Nancy were on a construction site they were building something and he was overlooking the management of that and as they were on the sidewalk looking at the project one of the construction workers yelled out to his wife Nancy said Nancy remember me we dated in high school and he hadn't seen her for a long time and when Pete and Nancy got in the car and drove away Pete with a big kind of a proud county commissioner smile said aren't you glad you didn't marry him but you married me if you'd have married him you'd be the life of a construction worker she smiled said sweetheart if I would have married him he would have been the county commissioner or something do that. So often a man becomes great because a woman has enabled him to do that and as difficult and risky as it might be it includes submission submission then has a goal it has a purpose to enable his leadership to let it grow but it has a higher purpose here's the second one it points to Christ. In verse 22 wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord in other words you are attaching your relationship on a human level to a higher relationship you have with Jesus I'm submitting to him because part of my relationship of submitting to Christ includes that and then in verse 24 therefore just as the church is subject to Christ so let their wives be to their husbands in everything go down a few verses look at 30 for we are members of his body for we are members of his body that is the church the metaphor speaks of that of his flesh and of his bones for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh this is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church if I'm reading this correctly this and other passages the marriage is to be modeled after redemption the marriage is to point people heavenward toward Christ and the relationship with us his people the church so that for the husband his model is the self-sacrificial love of Jesus toward his people by being willing to give his life for them and the wife is modeled after the church in surrender and submission to Christ so people should be able to look at our marriage and it should even if it's dimly point people to Christ and say if you want to know the kind of relationship that Jesus has with his people you look at my marriage it's modeled after redemption I'll distill it into this thought and we'll move on your marriage is either a symbol of or a denial of Christ and his church that's the principle there's no greater ideal for marriage than that it points to Jesus so that's the purpose that's the goal so the role of submission is purposeful here's the fourth statement and we'll close submission is respectful it includes respect go all the way down to the bottom of the section which is verse 33 for husbands and wives and Paul writes nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband look at the word respect in verse 33 and look at the word in verse 21 fear you see that two different words right in Greek it's the same exact word fear means high esteem or respect or reverence last century well in the 1800s actually when um Queen Victoria was just married to Prince Albert they had one of their first marital arguments that'd be interesting isn't it a royal family argument she's the queen of England and he's the guy not the king the guy so they're married and they have an argument and Prince Albert walks off walks away from the argument goes to a private apartment locks the door he's inside the queen follows bangs on the door and Prince Albert says from the inside who's there and she says it's the queen of England and she demands entrance how intimidating he didn't say a word a few minutes later she bangs again and says it's the queen of England she demands entrance he didn't say anything after a few frustrating moments comes another little meek tap on the door and he said who's there and she said it's your wife Albert it's your wife not the queen I realize I'm your wife what's the moral of the story it could be wives if you want your husbands to treat you like a queen give them a little respect respect them do you respect your husbands do you act respectfully toward them or disrespectfully you may be thinking well I got some room to grow in that area when your husband says something do you immediately have a comeback or do you roll your eyes you can see it can't you in a dynamic of a husband and wife he says something as he rolls her eyes she goes can I just say that's not respect that's disrespect part of submission is to respect the position you know Jesus Christ I believe has told me to do things I didn't like when he told me to do I didn't agree with what he told me to do but out of respect I surrendered that's but that's the Christian life it's the married life God the Father Jesus Christ the husband the wife all in surrender and submission here's a closing thought can you learn respect can you build respect in a marriage yes you can and here's how wives find the things your husband is doing right and encourage him thank him acknowledge him find the things he's doing right now you might be thinking I really have to dig pretty deep okay whatever but that's a biblical principle in Philippians 4 Paul writes whatever is true whatever is noble whatever is right whatever is pure whatever is lovely whatever is admirable if there's anything excellent or praiseworthy think about these things so gals if you were to keep a journal if that just means your little phone or your ipad and you write down or you acknowledge when you find that your husband does something right you thank him you encourage you encourage him you send him a text you send him an email a husband and wife got up one morning sat at breakfast with each other and the wife turned toward her husband and gave one of those smiles she said you don't know what today is do you and he said yes I do really defensively and immediately yes I do and it was time after breakfast for him to go off to the office so he went off to the office at 10 o'clock in the morning there was a knock on her door and someone delivered the flower shop several long stem red roses at one o'clock in the afternoon another knock came on the door this time it was a two-pound box of choice chocolates in the early afternoon another knock came on the door the boutique showed up with a designer dress for that gal she was beside herself could not wait for her husband to come home husband walked in the door she flung her arms around him and she said oh sweetheart I've been waiting for you to come home first the flowers then the chocolates and then the dress honey I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog's Day in all my life okay so he didn't remember what day it was that's pretty good for Groundhog's Day wouldn't you say it's a great response whether it's your anniversary and he treats you like that or he just wants to do it on Groundhog's Day great women can I say a final word it is not your job to change your husband that's God's job you're going it's not I really always thought that was my job it's not your job Ruth Graham was famous for saying the late wife of Dr. Billy Graham my job is to love Billy it's God's job to change Billy she lived by that she prayed for her husband she encouraged her husband but it's God's job to change it that wraps up Skip Heitzig's message from his series keep calm and marry on find the full message as well as books booklets and full teaching series at connectwithskip.com now here's Skip and Lenya to share some exciting news about a trip to the Holy Land I'm guessing that many of you have thought about talked about maybe even dreamed about visiting Israel well let's make that happen Lenya and I are taking a tour group to Israel next summer in 2024 and I can't wait we'll start in Tel Aviv head north to Nazareth the Sea of Galilee and the Jordan River we'll spend several days in Jerusalem and see the Garden of Gethsemane the upper room and so much more and we'll wrap it all up with a swim in the Dead Sea now I've been to Israel many times like over 40 in fact I can honestly say though that visiting the places where the scriptures unfolded where Jesus lived out his earthly ministry it never gets old no it doesn't the incredible sightseeing will be punctuated by times of worship and teachings that you'll never forget and Jeremy Camp and Adi Camp will be with us to lead worship make plans to join us next summer in Israel see the itinerary and book this Israel tour with pastor Skip Heitzig at inspirationcruises.com slash c-a-b-q that's inspirationcruises.com slash c-a-b-q join us next week as Skip Heitzig begins a teaching about the protective nature of a husband's love. Connect with Skip Heitzig is a presentation of Connection Communications connecting you to God's never-changing truth in ever-changing times.