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Friends with Benefits - Part B

Connect with Skip Heitzig / Skip Heitzig
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May 17, 2023 6:00 am

Friends with Benefits - Part B

Connect with Skip Heitzig / Skip Heitzig

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May 17, 2023 6:00 am

What guiding principles should we use to inform our dating behavior? In the message "Friends with Benefits," Skip's son, Nate, shows you what—and whom—you must pursue in your relationships.

Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig
Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig
Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig
Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig
Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig
Connect with Skip Heitzig
Skip Heitzig

The more you seek to be the man or the woman that God has called you to be, and don't worry about the other person, the better the relationship will be. And the first aspect of this love for others I want to look at is respect.

What guiding principles should we use to inform our dating behavior? Well, today on Connect with Skip Heitig, Skip's son Nate Heitig concludes his message, Friends with Benefits, and shows you what and whom you must pursue in your relationships. Now, here's Skip and Lenya to tell you about a trip they're planning to Israel. Well, if you've ever dreamed about visiting Israel, let's make that happen. Lenya and I are leading a tour group to Israel next summer in 2024. We'll start up north visiting Nazareth, the Sea of Galilee, and the Jordan River. We'll spend several days in Jerusalem, see the Temple Mount, the Garden of Gethsemane, the Upper Room, and more. Now, visiting the places where the scriptures unfolded, where Jesus lived out his earthly ministry, it never gets old.

That's why I keep going back. Join Skip and I and our friend Jeremy Camp next summer in Israel. For more information or to book your Israel tour 2024 with Skip and Lenya, just go to That's

Or call 800-247-1899. Now, we're in Matthew 22 as we join Nate Heitig for today's message. The question is, are they converted? Are they real? Do they adore God? And do they respect you?

Do they respect the boundaries that you've put in place? Do they respect the convictions that you have? Do they love God with their lips and their lives? Seems like a lot of people love God with their lips, but I think very few love God with their lives. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet that half of those professed Christians don't really adore God. Sure, they go to church, but they've never been converted.

They've never been changed. Question arises, how do you know if someone's really changed? How do you know if someone is converted? It's really easy.

1 John gives us the method. They don't love the things of darkness, but they love the light. No, they're not perfect, but they want to grow. They want to change. They don't just adore God with their lips.

They adore Him with their life. So the question isn't, are they Christian? But the question is, are they different?

Are they changed? Are they seeking to grow in their relationship with Christ? When you look at their life, is there evidence of their belief in Jesus? Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with that initial attraction, being attracted to someone physically. That's the butterflies, the, oh, he's so cute.

There's nothing wrong with that. But if we base our decision of who we're with off of that infatuation, that's wrong. You know, when a guy sees a beautiful girl, he says, I think I'm in love. That's not love. That's infatuation. Understand the difference. One study shows that between ninth grade and your second year in college, the average person will have five real loves. I think that a better definition would be what they think is real.

That's a normal part of life. But what separates the feeling from true love? Simply, true love stands the test of time.

Let me rephrase that. True love stands the test of patience. The best definition that I've ever heard of love is that love is a constant devotion, not a passing emotion. It's not just about butterflies. It's not just about a warm and cuddly feeling. It's about something more.

It's about a devotion. So when I hear people come to me and they say, Nate, we just have to get married right now. We just can't wait. We're so in love. We're burning in our love for one another.

We can't wait. I question whether or not it's really from God because the Bible says that love is patient. I encourage you take time in the dating relationship. Let God bring the two of you together.

Take time because there's a chance that you will spend the rest of your life with that person. You know, we know that we're not supposed to marry an unbeliever and you might say, well, I don't want to marry them. I just want to date them.

I just want to hang out. Hey, guess what? Dating leads to marriage. And you say, well, I would never marry them. Well, you've already dropped your standard to date them. So what's going to stop you from marrying them?

What's going to stop you from once again, lowering your standard even further? We shouldn't date someone unless they're marriage material. If you look at someone and say, I could never marry them, then don't date them because you're wasting their time. What are you going to do, string them along so they think that you're in love with them? Is that right?

No. Don't date unless they're marriage material. I would say, step further, to date without the possibility of marriage is setting yourself up to fall into sin. Setting yourself up.

I would say that you shouldn't date at all until marriage is something that's in sight, because honestly, what's the point? Well, we just want to have fun. We just want someone to hang out with.

Hey, there's a super cool term that you need to learn. It's called friends. That's what friends do. They hang out. They have fun.

They go to movies. If you don't listen to another thing that I say this morning, understand that whoever you're with whoever you're dating should be a converted believer who has the evidence of God's work in their life and who adores God. Again, turn to Matthew 22, verse 39. We see the second greatest commandment.

It says, and the second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Now, here in these next two verses, we find our next two points. And that is once you love God and once you have him first in your life, the next step is to love others. So if you don't love God, don't try to love others.

If you love God and you found someone else who loves God, then seek to love that person. But what does that mean to love others? Well, I believe that the primary reason many relationships fail is because of selfishness, pride.

We lie to one another because we're selfish and we don't want to hurt our own pride. We seek our own needs instead of the other person's needs because we're selfish and we want our needs met. And so the takeaway from this is that the more selfless you are, the better your relationship will be.

The more you seek to be the man or the woman that God has called you to be and don't worry about the other person, the better the relationship will be. And the first aspect of this love for others I want to look at is respect. And for that, I'll have you turn to Song of Solomon chapter one, verse nine. Song of Solomon one, nine, as we see our second point, act like royalty, not rap stars. You know, royalty are the most well-mannered and respectful of people. Well, rap stars aren't.

Let's just say that. Song of Solomon one, nine, we see Solomon says, I have compared you, my love, to my filly among Pharaoh's chariots. The question here is, do they respect you? Do they treat you well?

And do they respect the Bibles and your boundaries? Here in Song of Solomon, he calls her a filly. Basically, he calls her a horse.

We read that and say, how is that respectful? He just said, hey, horse face. That's not nice. That's not how you woo a girl. You don't walk up and say, hey, hey, girl, you fall from heaven? No, why? Because you got a horse face.

That's not what we do. It doesn't woo people. But basically, Solomon is saying that she is more important than his most prized possession. This filly, this horse, was the fastest horse in his stable. It was his favorite thing he owned. Guys, this is the 1969 Mustang Shelby Cobra GT that you just mouth water over. You see it and you're like, oh, man, I want that car. That's what this filly is.

It's the Stang, all right? So it's worth protecting. It's worth pursuing. Is the person in your life worth pursuing? Is it worth protecting? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend think that you're the bomb dot com?

Do they treat you like they treat their car? And gentlemen, we got to step up to the plate in this area. Be the leaders that God has called us to be. You are meant to be the initiator. Don't lead girls on. Don't toy with their emotions. Don't keep some girl in the wing as a backup plan as you seek better options. And guys, until that girl comes along that you're ready to respect and appreciate and value, don't you dare date a girl because you don't deserve her. And when you're finally ready to come to that place and pursue her, make sure she knows how much you value and respect her.

Make her feel cherished and special. And girls, ladies, you've heard it said, don't be a player hater. Well, I'm telling you, don't be a player hater.

All right? Don't hate the player. Just don't date the player. For some reason, I have no idea why sometimes girls are attracted to these sleazebag guys that are with tons of girls. All right, guys, don't be sleazebags. Girls, don't date the sleazebags. Okay?

Let's get that on the floor. Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend feel as cherished and loved as my most loved and valued, fill in the blank, hobby, possession, whatever it is? Do they feel as cherished and loved as my most valued whatever? And one of the best ways that you can show respect is by asking what their parents think about the relationship. What are your parents or the authorities in your life think about the relationship that you're in? What do your parents or your pastors or the people you respect, do they approve of the guy or the girl that you're with? Let me tell you, if you're a guy in here who's dating a girl and her parents don't know about it, you're a jerk.

All right? You're a jerk. You're disrespectful. And you might say, well, they won't like me.

Okay, then change. Be somebody that they will like. Be somebody that they'll feel comfortable having their baby girl spend time with. Let me tell you, these girls don't deserve a jerk. They deserve a gentleman.

These girls are made in the image of God. They need someone to respect them and care for them. And if you begin dating by being sneaky and disrespectful, you don't deserve a relationship. Let me tell you, if we start our relationship off in sin, do we really think it's going to get better? Do we really think, oh man, this relationship's so unhealthy now, but someday it's going to be great. Why are we starting off bad relationships? Again, seek the highest, not the lowest. And God gives us parents and he tells us in Ephesians 6, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother. This is because sometimes people can be blind. We don't see all the points and the sides of who we are. We think we know ourselves, but we don't have a clue. And the plan of God is to give us people in our lives that can help us see things that maybe we don't see.

People that have been around the block, people that have experienced things that we haven't. They might see something in this person that you're in love with that's dangerous. And some of it might be unreasonable.

Guys and girls, I want to let you know. Things like, I don't like their hair. I don't like their tattoos. And you think that's stupid.

And to a certain extent, you're right. But guess what? You still need to respect them. Why?

Because God said so. Done deal. Case closed. Honor your parents. Sit down and talk to them. Ask them about this guy or girl.

They might be blown away. They might flip out if you say that you want to introduce them to this guy or girl. And most importantly, they might be able to give you some insight.

They might be able to give you some advice and help keep you accountable. You know, when I first began having feelings for Janae, the very first thing I did was I called her dad. And that was just about the last thing that I wanted to do, but I wanted to show him respect. And so I called him up on the phone and I said, hey, Mr. Chapin, you know, I've been hanging out with your daughter a lot lately, and we've both started to have feelings for one another.

And I wanted to ask for your permission to date your daughter with the pursuit of marriage. And I waited and then he hung up. And I was like, sweet.

He's coming for me with the shotgun. 30 minutes later, he called me back. His phone had died and he was laughing hysterically. And he was like, oh yeah, that's fine. Oh goodness. Worst 30 minutes of my life. I called Janae and I was like, Janae, your dad just hung up on me when I asked him if I could date you. And she was like, what?

Yeah, I don't know what's going on. But I gained his respect. I gained his respect because I was seeking to respect and honor his daughter. Guys, this task falls completely on you. You've got to be the men in the relationship.

Girls, if he doesn't have the guts to do this, then he isn't a man anyways, and don't waste your time with him. When a guy comes and asks you out, tell him, yeah, that's fine. Just go ask my dad first. Remember this. Whoever you're dating or whoever you're married to, you're also dating or married to that family. So get comfortable with them because they're going to be around for a long time. Don't be scared to go around them. Don't tiptoe whenever you hear that they're coming. Now, maybe you don't live near your parents, or maybe you're at an age where that's just weird.

Okay, that's fine. Bring them to Calvary. Introduce them to your friends here. Introduce them to the pastors.

Ask them, hey, what do you think about my boyfriend or girlfriend? Let me tell you, if you're in a relationship right now, ladies, that you just want to get out of, come introduce him like Pastor Nelson. Just say, hey, Pastor Nelson, what do you think about this guy?

And he'll just look him straight in the face and say, huh-uh. It's not going to work out. You know, we can maybe even, like, arrange a little gun cleaning while it's going on to help out the situation. But seriously, on an important note, I always encourage people to come and get prayer and counseling before the relationship starts. We have a tendency to wait to get counseling until there's a train wreck, until there's nothing good that can come of the situation.

Why? Get the prayer and counseling before the train wreck. Let us help you. Let us talk to you about boundaries, love, and respect. Let us pray for you and get the relationship off to the right start.

That little act of respect will mean so much to your relationship. Now, parents, you're not off the hook yet. Parents, you need to be the kind of people that your kids feel comfortable bringing their boyfriend or girlfriend around. You need to be the kind of people that your kids feel comfortable talking to you about this subject. Talk to them about these things that they're talking about. Talk to them about these things, about these issues. Don't let dating become the forbidden word in your home. Because if you don't have the hands-on role in the relationship that you're supposed to, let me tell you, they're going to have them anyways.

They're going to have them behind your back when you're not going to know about it, when you're not going to get to meet the guy or the girl, when you're not going to get to have a godly influence in that relationship. Number one, be a god digger, not a gold digger. Number two, act like royalty, not rap stars.

Number three, if you've got game, use it. Again, we see what Jesus says here in Matthew chapter 22, and the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. Here we see the second aspect of love for others. Number one, the first aspect is we respect one another. Number two, we pursue one another. Here turn to Song of Solomon chapter 2 verse 4, and we see the pursuit.

Chapter 2 verse 4, he says, he brought me to the banqueting house and his banner over me was love. This is one of the most important parts of the relationship. This is what to do once you have caught the fish. All right, now for all you married people who've tuned me out for the past 30 minutes, this is the time to listen because this applies to you. This applies to marriage. This applies to dating. This implies to engagement. This is one of the main reasons why marriages fall apart. A lot of people spend so much time in the actual pursuit of love that once they actually find it, they don't know what to do with it.

It's like a dog chasing a car. If he finally catches it, what does he do with it? And when you pursue your significant other, you've got game, right? You write songs. You have flowers. You do romantic dates.

You do poems. You do all these things. You stay up late at night talking on the phone for hours, and then once you get married, why should it stop? If you've got game, use it. Why stop once you've won? See, guys and girls alike want to feel pursued.

They want to feel desired even after they've been won over, and this requires cultivation. So if you've got game, use it. Use it while you're dating. Use it while you're engaged, and certainly use it while you're married. It takes time for a relationship to grow, and three different times here in Song of Solomon, we see this young couple spending time together. And for a relationship to blossom and continue to grow, there has to be time spent.

If you want to see your relationship flourish, whether you're dating or married, if you want to see it flourish, then spend time together, not in a movie theater or in a dark room kissing, but rather personal time getting to know one another. How important that is to talk about life with each other. Song of Solomon 1.15, we see that Solomon again gives one of his incredible compliments. Behold, you are fair, my love. You have dove's eyes. All right, Saul, you're calling her a horse face and you're calling her a bird face. What's going on, bro? Come on, let's pick it up.

Let's step your game up. But it's a beautiful compliment because what he's saying is that a dove has tunnel vision, a dove eye. They see nothing else but what's in front of them. And Solomon is saying that because of their adoration for God, their respect for one another, and the time they've spent with one another, there's a growing commitment to one another. Here's something that truly defines a Christian relationship and that is commitment. And this characteristic needs to be cultivated all the way up to the day of marriage when you stand before God in a room full of people and you promise to forsake all others and live only for you as long as you both shall live.

And the only way this commitment can come is through quality time spent with one another and God. Song of Solomon 1 16, we see that the girlfriend responds to Solomon's beautiful compliment and says, behold, you are handsome, my beloved, yes, pleasant. She says, dude, you're hot. Man, you got it going on. Now, girls, you have to understand that guys want you to think they're cool. They do. That's why they douse themselves with Axe body spray. And that's why they say they're way better at everything than what they actually are. They're good at everything. Oh yeah, I caught a fish.

It was this big. Oh, I can, I can snowboard. I can do double backflips. And they're better at everything than what they actually are. They want you to think they're cool. That's why he does the things he does and says the things he says. He doesn't care what anyone else in the entire world thinks about him.

As long as you think that he's all that and a bag of chips. Now, ladies, affirm your husbands, affirm your dates. Guys, same goes, same goes for the girls. Girls want to know that they're the most beautiful girl in the entire world.

You need to let them know that she's the most beautiful girl in the world that no one else can compare to her, that nothing else in the world comes between you and her. And in this dating and marriage relationship, there needs to be constant affirmation of one another. And now it says that he is pleasant. That's basically to say that he's charming. So the last thing on this point is are you friendly?

Are you kind? Guys, this is how you should treat a young lady. You should be kind, pleasant. And this is so important in a relationship. In order to cultivate relationship, you must first cultivate friendship. You must first cultivate relationship.

This is what friends with benefits is all about. Close friends with godly benefits. Not sexual intimacy, but spiritual intimacy. Not monetary value, but moral value. It's so important to invest in one another through quality time spent.

It doesn't need to be a steak dinner or an expensive event because it doesn't matter what you're doing, but it matters who you're with. Also make sure as you're doing that, refine the relationship, not just emotionally, but spiritually, leading one another in the Lord, building one another up in your walk with the Lord. So as we close, I encourage you, if you mold your relationship to these three principles, be a God digger, not a gold digger. Love God. Act like royalty, not rap stars. Respect one another. And finally, if you've got game, use it. Pursue one another.

Now this stuff might sound legalistic. It might sound stiff to you, but ask someone who's chosen the wrong mate because of a lack of counsel or prayer. Ask someone who's in an unhappy relationship because their husband or wife isn't a Christian.

Maybe you've seen the consequences of this in your own life through divorce or through a parent's divorce. I encourage you, make a checklist, and if they pass that checklist, then spend time with them in group situations first. Ask yourself, are they a representation of Jesus to me?

Not do they have long hair and a beard, that's only for indie bands, but are they a representation of spiritual quality in my life? And finally, don't be transparent or dependent. I need, therefore I love. That will always lead to heartache.

Seek your love in Christ. He thinks you're beautiful, he thinks you're handsome, and he desires a relationship with you. And even if nothing becomes of the relationship with this guy or girl, at least you've developed good fellowship.

And that is what the true benefit of dating is, God's way. That concludes Nate Heitzig's message from the series Keep Calm and Marry On. Find the full message as well as books, booklets, and full teaching series at

Right now, we want to share about a special resource that will help you connect with the Psalms and trust God through all of life's circumstances. Betty White said, it's not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

That's not a sly shot at dads. It's a compliment to the wonderful work of mothers. Here's a great way to show your appreciation for a mother in your life. It's the heart songs package, which features a teaching series on the Psalms led by Lenya and Janae Heitzig. Psalm 45 is a love song. And in it, you're going to find a groom and a bride and it's their wedding day. And it includes an ornate dress and bridesmaids and perfume and gifts and guests. The heart songs package also includes a beautiful sheology quiet time journal and a bag of Skip's library roast coffee. It's a great gift to honor a special woman in your life with encouragement and strength as she studies God's word and spends time in prayer, all while enjoying a delicious cup of the coffee Pastor Skip loves. The heart songs package is our thanks for your gift to help share biblical teaching and encouragement with others through the broadcast ministry of Connect with Skip Heitzig.

So be sure to request yours when you give online securely at slash offer or call 800-922-1888. Be sure you listen tomorrow as Skip Heitzig shares a teaching about the hardest word in every marriage. There's no greater act of submission than the willingness to die for another person. Thus the cross of Christ, which is the example, is the ultimate example of submission in history. So husbands you love your wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. So burdens on his word make the connection, the connection. Connect with Skip Heitzig is a presentation of Connection Communications, connecting you to God's never changing truth in ever-changing times.
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