Dear Gary | January

"The 5 Love Languages" .

This gives me hope. When I introduce that concept to the couple, it has made major difference. Many lives and many marriages have been transformed because of this method. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, instead of a Dear Gary program for January, we're going to hear callers interact with our host about the concepts in that best-selling book. We've talked about this a lot through the years that "The 5 Love Languages" was originally released in 1992 and just about every year it sells more copies than the one before. There's a reason for that and we thought it would be good to hear callers talk to Gary about the difference that book has made in their lives.

So that's what you're going to hear today. If you go to our website, buildingrelationships.us, you'll find more simple ways to strengthen relationships. Take the free Love Language quiz and see our featured resource there. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Now today's conversation happened live on a program that aired in November of last year, a program called Chris Fabry Live.

I think I recognize that name. We had the idea back at the end of November to open the phone lines and take calls from people who wanted just to tell Dr. Chapman their story. And the question was simple. How has the Five Love Language concept enriched your life? What changes in relationships have occurred because of what Gary wrote some three decades ago? I gave the phone number on that program and sat back and we let the words of affirmation flow. And that's what you're going to hear today.

And we want you to think about that same question. And if at any point you want to give Dr. Chapman some encouragement, our listener line is open for business. You can call and tell your story at 1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-GARY. Here's how Chris began that conversation and his introduction of our host. Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of the number one New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" , a graduate of, listen to this, Moody Bible Institute, Wheaton College, Wake Forest, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He's done postgraduate work at UNC and Duke University. You just, you're just studying all the time. Dr. Gary Chapman, welcome friend. How you doing today?

I am doing great, Chris. You rattle off all those schools. And I remember every time I graduated, my dad would say, now, son, you're going to get a job now, right?

And I said, well, dad, there's one more program that I, Oh, so my educational journey, I think it lasted about 12 years. Well, you're a lifelong learner though, aren't you? I mean, you, you're really curious about life. Absolutely. You know, I'm always reading something, you know, and just seeing where other people are and what's going on in their lives, because I think God uses our lives individually to enrich other people's lives. And even the hard times, you know, let's face it. And many times we go through things that are really, really difficult. But I think even sharing those with other people and how we walk through them, whether it was good or not so good, can encourage them. Yeah. Redemptive.

Okay. Let's start with Cindy on Facebook. Cindy said "The 5 Love Languages" helped me realize that because my husband doesn't ever say he loves me, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. The man does all the grocery shopping. He cooks supper every single night. Also, anytime I ask for anything, he goes above and beyond my expectations. Knowing his love languages acts of service has helped me appreciate him.

What do you say about that? You know, I think that often happens, Chris, because we have an idea in our mind, if they love me, they would, you know, there's something that they would be doing or saying, and it doesn't happen. And if we didn't understand that there are different love languages, and if they're speaking one of them really, really loudly, we could feel unloved, even though, you know, they're expressing love in a powerful way in their mind. So once you know that, you begin to give them credit, you know, that they are loving me. It's just that they're speaking their own love language, you know, rather than my love language. So that happens, and I think that's a great insight.

It really is. And it doesn't mean that you can, you know, he never has to say, I love you. I mean, he can grow in expressing those words to her, you know, that would be a good thing. But if you're just talking to her, look at all that he does. Look at the way that he expresses love. This is him saying that in his actions.

That's a really powerful thing. Now let's hear what Jessica has to say. Jessica in Chattanooga, Tennessee, you're on with Dr. Gary Chapman. Go right ahead. Hi, I just wanted to say that my love language with my daughter had been about buying her gifts and things like that. But it turned out that the boundaries that I was able to set up has to do with the book. And I realized what my love language was and what hers is also. Hmm. And so would you say that your relationship with her has gotten better because of that knowledge? Absolutely.

What do you say, Gary? Yeah, Chris, I think when parents realize that what makes one child feel loved doesn't make another child feel loved. And they begin to realize that, you know, they are loving them. But let's face it, just by nature, people love their children. But not all children feel loved. And so I think when they realize that, you know, oh, their language is not gifts. Maybe, you know, maybe you've been giving them gifts and gifts and gifts, and that's certainly an expression of love. But you find out that their language is something else.

And you, oh, that's why they don't feel loved. And so you've kind of changed your strategy, you know, and you start learning how to speak that love language. So we've got a marriage, we've got a parent to a child. I see a Facebook post about a daughter and a mom or a daughter-in-law.

I'll read that here in a minute. Let me take Joanna's call, though, in Lake in the Hills, Illinois. Hi, Joanna. Go right ahead. Hi.

Yes. So I wanted to tell you, Dr. Gary Chapman, how much of a blessing the love language has been in my life. So my husband and I got married in 2005.

And I get so emotional because it's just been very powerful. At the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I, he was expressing love through words of affirmation. And I was expressing love through acts of service. And then until we spoke to our priest in our home parish. And he said, well, did you guys know that there are five love languages and that every, you know, each couple speaks a different love language?

So long behold, we read the book. And then we started to practice them. And I started to speak words of affirmation from my husband. And he started to do acts of service for me. And every time that he did little things like tell me with the dishes at the end of the day, you know, the day when I was just very tired, it spoke, I love you. I appreciate you. You're valuable for me.

You are, you know, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's just one act of love just spoke volume. So anyway, we ended up just loving this book so much and these teachings that we brought them to hundreds of couples after that, after learning them, we have been able to share this, you know, this book with so many couples and many lives and many marriages have been transformed because of this message. That's why, Gary, that's why so many millions of people read it is because Joanna read the thing and her husband.

I think, Chris, that really is what has happened. People read it. It helps them understand each other, you know, and learn to speak each other's language. And then, yes, they are motivated to give the book to others or to recommend that the other folks go by. It has been word of mouth. And as you, as you know, Chris, the book sells more every year than it did the year before for all these years. But it's really just exactly what Joanna is talking about. They are so excited about it.

They want others to get in on what they've learned. I love the emotion in her voice, too, because when she said that simple act of him standing there beside me, whether he's washing or drying the dishes, just it spoke volumes to her because it said he sees me, he values me, even just the dishes made her say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me because of that little thing and because of the love language. That'll change a marriage, won't it?

Well, it does, Chris. You know, many, many people through the years have shared that they were really thinking about divorce. I mean, they were seriously thinking of divorce. And someone gave them a copy of "The 5 Love Languages" . They read it.

The lights came on. They realized how they'd been missing each other emotionally because they weren't speaking each other's love language. So they tried it and it really turned things around. In fact, when I do marriage seminars on Saturdays around the country, almost every Saturday, I'll have at least half a dozen people come up and say, Gary, that book literally saved our marriage. I mean, we were thinking divorce and that book actually turned our marriage around. So, you know, it's very, very encouraging to see the way God has used this simple concept to help so many couples learn how to effectively love each other. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

And your hearing listeners give a little encouragement to Dr. Chapman today. We asked how the book, "The 5 Love Languages" , has enhanced their relationships. If you'd like to find more simple ways to strengthen relationships, go to our website, buildingrelationships.us. That's buildingrelationships.us. And if you'd like to respond to the same question and give Dr. Chapman some encouragement or ask a marriage or family or dating question, call our listener line at 1-866-424-GARY.

That's 1-866-424-GARY. We start this segment with Chris reading a Facebook post from a listener. Understanding "The 5 Love Languages" have revolutionized the way I interact with people, not only family, but also friends and anyone I want to show kindness to. I try to understand which love languages a person speaks and hears because I probably don't want to spend two hours making a 12-layer tort if the recipient would rather I pick up a chocolate cake from Meyer and spend a couple hours chatting and eating cake over tea.

That's it. She said, I feel like I'm multilingual and I don't want to be speaking French if the person only understands Mandarin. She gets it, doesn't she? Absolutely, Chris. That's the concept because you can be as sincere as you could possibly be in loving somebody and expressing, you know, to a friend that, you know, I really appreciate you. And they don't get it because, you know, as she said, you're speaking one language and their language is something else.

And just as that's true in spoken language, it's also true when it comes to expressing love. We're going to get some more encouragement for Dr. Chapman now because Sammy's in Cleveland, Ohio. Hi, Sammy. What do you want to say to Dr. Chapman?

All right. What I want to say is two ways that have strongly that the love languages have strongly impacted what I do as a licensed professional counselor doing marriage counseling from time to time. When I introduced that concept to the couple, it has made major difference. The other thing is as a professor at a college and at a university, when I simply ask how many of you have heard of "The 5 Love Languages" , I always do that in the context of the chapter that I'm teaching. So it goes with it, obviously, and hands will go up, which is a clue to me. Those could well be believers, but maybe not, you know, but there's that possibility. But without saying anything about it's, you know, from a Christian perspective, just letting them know, I iterate what all five are, what each of the five are. And they are just amazed and so very interested. And they take it to heart and move forward, I'm sure, in their lives with that knowledge.

So those are the two ways that I use it. I love it. What do you say, Gary? You know, that's very, very encouraging, Sammy. I think, you know, we as Christians, we all are placed in different segments of society.

You know, you mentioned you do counseling, you're a professor. And God just wants us to be who we are, you know, in Christ. And if that means sharing a concept like "The 5 Love Languages" , and people hear that, it helps them in their relationships.

It often opens up doors for further conversation, you know, about God and God's love for us as well. So thanks for what you're doing. Yeah, God bless you, friend. René is in Bradenton, Florida. Hey, René, how are you doing?

Hi, how you doing? I want to say thank you for writing "The 5 Love Languages" . And it has helped me to make sure that I know my own love language.

I didn't know this even existed. Now it helps me to show love to my wife as well. And my kids, even strangers, and especially also with God, right? We're going through a divorce right now. And I just also finished reading the book, How to Love Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away.

I literally finished it right now on my lunch break. And I want to say thank you, because it helped me also to be a positive influence. Even though I can't control nobody or change nobody, I can be a positive influence.

It's hard for me to throw love to my wife because we're separated. But this gives me hope. I want to say thank you, Dr. Gary Chapman. Thank you.

Yeah. René, I'm glad you got through and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Gary, what do you say? I think when we are going through a very, very difficult relationship, like René describes, you know, we can't keep the other person from leaving us. Because marriage takes two people deciding to stay together and to look to God for guidance. But the book he mentioned is a book which says, the most powerful thing you can do for a spouse that is not loving you, you know, they're walking away from you.

The most powerful thing you can do is to speak their love language at every opportunity you have, so that you are loving them when they're not loving you. Which incidentally, Chris, is the same thing God did. The Bible says He loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So we don't wait until our spouse is loving us before we love them. And even in a very, very difficult situation, it doesn't mean that they will turn around and come back and give us another chance. But it does mean that we are having a positive influence rather than a negative influence. Because often, if a spouse chooses to walk away from us, then we criticize them, tell them how awful they are and how bad they are.

And if we're Christians, we kind of preach at them and say, you know, God doesn't want you to do this. And, you know, but the most powerful thing you can do is love someone when you really feel like walking away, but you don't allow your feelings to control your behavior. I didn't anticipate, Renee, what you said here today, because it sounded like you were going to say that things are going really well.

But now there's this big fracture in your life. And here you are on lunch break, and you've just finished that book. So why don't we stop right here. And Gary, I want to ask you to pray for Renee and his family and the situation, all that they're going through right now. Would you lead us?

Sure. Father, you know Renee. You know everything about him. And you know his wife and everything about her.

And you know what has led to this fracture in their relationship. And I pray, first of all, that you'll continue to give him an attitude of love. Pour your love into his heart.

And with whatever opportunity he has, let him love his wife and his children. And I pray for her. I know that you love her.

And I know that you know how to speak to her. So I pray that your spirit will touch her spirit and will help her make the decision that would be meaningful for you and in keeping with your plans for them. I pray for the children, Father, that your spirit would minister to them as they see this fracture between their mom and dad.

Work in every heart involved in this family. And I pray that by your spirit, you would bring reconciliation. In the name of Christ. Amen.

Amen. Renee, you didn't wake up thinking that you would make a phone call here and basically just talk about your life on the radio, but you did. And I've said this to other people who've called in.

You know, it's revolutionized change. I'm glad that you got through today because one of the things about the love languages is not, you know, you do this and you do it well and everything turns out great and cotton candy and, you know, you ride off into the sunset. Sometimes you don't have control of that and you don't have control of the, not just sometimes, all the time, you don't have control how the person responds. So thank you for being honest and vulnerable with us today and for making that call. Okay. My pleasure. Thank you for your time. Thank you for the prayer.

Yeah. Well, and may this just be a great rest of the workday for you after you've finished your lunch. And, uh, we'll move now to Beth in Randolph, Ohio. Beth, you're on with Dr. Gary Chapman. Hi there. Oh, I can't believe I'm on with Dr. Gary Chapman.

This is so cool. I have been married for 31 years and I have four adult children. And, um, after 31 years of being married, I kind of figured it'd get easier. You've already argued about everything.

You've been through it once, you know, but it doesn't. Well, my mother-in-law bought me the five languages and I'm like, me? But I'm the one that speaks my love.

I'm the one that's verbal about it. Why do I need the book? Well, I read the book and it taught me that I don't have the only love language and it helped me understand everybody else's love language. I tell you, it took the scales off my eyes and it taught me how to forgive every single day. Because if someone doesn't meet my expectations, that's not on them.

That's all on me. And I tell you, it makes everything, even the expressions, the way people talk, it just hits me differently now. And so when I go to bridal showers or, you know, know somebody that's getting married, I either buy them the book, tell them to get the book. And I always write in the front of it, be ready to forgive every day.

Don't get married till you read the book. Don't get married till you're ready to forgive every day. And forgiving every day, oh my goodness, how it changes. You know, I hadn't thought about that, Beth, until you bring it up, the idea of forgiveness and the love language.

I want to hear what Gary has to say about that. You know, I think, Chris, once we get the concept that each of us has a different love language, we look back on our lives. If it's a marriage, we look back on our marriage. And we can see how we had arguments over certain things that really were tied to the fact that the other person wasn't feeling loved. Or maybe they didn't speak our love language and we didn't feel loved, you know, at certain segments in the relationship. And we've held that against them. But when you look back and realize they probably were speaking one of the other love languages.

It didn't speak to us emotionally, but they were. And so now we're able to forgive, you know, what we've been holding against them all this time and let it go and begin to make the future brighter. So, you know, I'm glad, Beth, we never get too old to learn. And you mentioned you've been married 31 years. You can be married 50 years and the love languages can still help enhance your relationship in a marriage. Well, and the idea of, for somebody who's very verbal, you know, and words is your love language. Married to somebody who you call a dead sea, somebody who doesn't talk very much, who never says, you know, three or four words strung together. That other person is expressing love in some way. And if you think, I got to hear the words, then you're missing what he or she may be saying through their actions or some other way. So Beth, fantastic.

Have to read this. I learned that my mother and I have conflicting love languages and that we just have to accommodate each other on difficult but agreed terms. She loves giving gifts while I feel loved by quality time. So the last time she visited me, she brought some carefully selected clothing and I tried on the items without complaint. Then we got food while my father also a quality time lover and my best friend waited at the hotel.

We brought it back to the hotel room. I spent three or four hours with them. My mother said at the end that it was the best time she had with me as long as she could remember. The biggest blessing, if you want to call it that, is that I ended up in the emergency room that night in the hospital for the next week, but my parents had seen me fairly well and in good spirits before that happened. And so, you know, it all kind of worked out in the end for her, but this works not just with husband and wife or parent to child, but child to parent, in-laws, everybody, right?

It did. She accepted her mother's gifts as an expression of love rather than feeling, I don't need these or I don't like these. You know, she accepted them as an act of love and it created a much more positive atmosphere for the rest of the day. Well, that's Dr. Gary Chapman and our featured resource today is the book that came out some three decades ago, "The 5 Love Languages" . It's been updated and there are a number of versions available and you can find out more at our website buildingrelationships.us.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And we would really love to hear your feedback about this program or maybe a question that is burning in your heart about some relationship that you have. It could be anything from a friend or a parent, child, your marriage, of course, in-law struggles, a dating question. Gary loves taking calls from singles about what you're facing in today's culture. So you can call with the question 1-866-424-GARY. Now this is not a counseling line. We can't call you back. But if you leave a brief question, you might hear a response on a future Dear Gary broadcast.

And if you have a love language story to tell you, oh, good or bad, or somewhere in between, we'd love to hear that as well. Call us 1-866-424-GARY. If you go to our website buildingrelationships.us, you can see more about the book, take a free assessment to discover your love language, and see when Dr. Chapman might be coming to your area. He has seminars in Florida and Michigan coming up in the next few weeks.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And since this is our Dear Gary broadcast for January, you can call our listener line and leave your love language story or ask a question of Dr. Chapman for a future broadcast. Call us at 1-866-424-GARY. That's 866-424-GARY. This conversation originally aired on Moody Radio's Chris Fabry Live in late November of 2022.

Let's get back to the calls. Tiara is online. Oh, I love this because there's been such a variety. Tiara in Chicago. What do you say to Dr. Gary Chapman?

Yeah. Hey, thank you all so much. One, thank you for the book. My experience has been that it's helped me learn a lot about myself personally, but it's also been helpful financially because I learned my expression of love is gifts. And so I've had times where I've kind of overcommitted spending and spending, trying to show love to people by buying these gifts and then finding out, one, you know, that was a sign I need to have more, you know, to be learning more financial habits. But then also that that's not the love language necessarily of the people that I was stretching myself to give a gift to that were maybe just wanting time or words of affirmation.

And all I had to do was just write a poem or something, you know, and write down things that I'm grateful for for them. And then getting into marriage, my, you know, my husband was just kind of like, hey, you know, and so we created a giving account where I can, you know, give freely gifts for people, but where it's not a hindrance financially. But then it's also helped me to learn too that it's not the love language that everybody receives.

And so that's helped me to get more creative for birthdays. And even with the holidays coming up to think, you know, I don't have to spend everything, you know, trying to express love to people when that's my love language, that that's not necessarily other people's love language. So that helped me out financially and just deepen those relationships.

What a great lesson and you're learning it early on, isn't she Gary? Yeah, and I don't know that I've ever heard exactly what you're saying today, that it helps you financially, but I see exactly what you're talking about. Because if gifts is your language, then obviously you're buying gifts for people, you know, and for some people, that's very meaningful.

But for other people, not so much, you know. As you said, they would have preferred maybe just a 30-minute conversation with you. So, and I'm also glad that you and your husband, he recognized that you do have this desire to give gifts to others. So, together you agreed to set aside a certain amount of money from which you can buy gifts, you know, for people that you want to buy gifts.

So yeah, you had two truths there. One on financially working with your spouse in an understanding manner, as well as realizing that not everyone wants to receive the same love language we want to receive. The other thing is you can get really frustrated with people who don't understand how much, you know, how strapped you got getting them this expensive gift and they didn't respond like you thought they would.

And so, you know, to bring in that kind of understanding, as well as the budgeting. I mean, we've got Rob West all over this program as well here today. Tiara, thank you for your call. Rebecca is in Parkland, Florida. Rebecca, what do you say to Dr. Gary Chapman? Well, I read his book when I was 16 years old for children, but I'm not 16 anymore. But I read it and I actually used it for, because I was a preschool teacher, and to kind of figure out what the love language of the children I was teaching was so that I could reward them appropriately. But now I'm a foster adoptive mom, so I actually utilized his book for the kids that came into my care. And I'm also part of an adoption support group. And we just recently adopted his blended family book as something that we're going through to help because we are a blended family, being that we are foster and adoptive parents. So it's really cool.

And it can be kind of adopted pretty much across the board. Rebecca, is there one situation with your adoptive children where, if you didn't understand the love language concept, you would have missed being able to say, I love you to that child? Well, I can't wait to hear Rebecca's answer to that question. But as you can hear, her phone line broke up a little there and we couldn't hear the answer.

But don't fear, she's coming back. This gives Gary a chance to respond to the question about blended families. Well, that's why I teamed up, you know, with a co-author who's been working with blended families for years, because the, yeah, right now we're talking about blended families. But the relationship is different between an adoptive parent or a step-parent. And so understanding the differences that are there and learning how to make that emotional connection with them, the love language can be a real help. But that book, if you're in a blended family at all, I would really recommend that book that I wrote with Ron Deal.

All right, Rebecca, answer that question now. So my oldest, he, I originally thought his was, his love language was gifts, because he's always asking for stuff. But actually, it was really just time, time spent. So like, the time we would spend going to the park, or the time we would spend at the park, it really wasn't the activity we were doing, it was just the time that we would spend doing it.

And I have a few kids that actually are two love languages at the same time, like they, you know, they're time spent, and they're another one. So I mean, it's not just a cut and dry. And as he's gotten older, it's changed. So I mean, we've kind of just keep reading the book and just keep doing the things and it's really helpful.

Yes. Well, you've said this a lot for a long time, Gary. To me, it's just, it's just, it's well, you've said this a lot for a long time, Gary, to not just focus on the one but have a blend of all of the languages that you express to your children, that they'll hit them on a different emotional level. Well, that's, that's true, Chris. And she made the point that sometimes a child, two of these will really be about the same.

I call these people bilingual. Either one of those are really going to speak deeply to them. But yeah, we really want a child to learn how to receive love and eventually give love in all five languages. That's the healthiest adult, if you learn how to receive love in all five and learn how to give love in all five. But as a parent, we must focus on giving heavy doses of their primary love language.

Otherwise, they will not feel loved. Mark made it through, Rebecca, thank you for your call. Mark made it through from Cleveland, Tennessee. Mark, go right ahead. Sir, I'm here.

I'm here. Glad to hear your voice. Yeah, I just wanted to say, I've been pastoring for over 40 years. And when "The 5 Love Languages" came out, as well as some of the other books that, you know, came from that, I've used it as a resource for premarital counseling for postmarital counseling, and even counseling of children. It's just been a fantastic resource. Oh, I could tell. I could tell this has been a part of your ministry, Mark, through the years.

What do you say to that, Gary? Well, it's always encouraging when I hear from pastors, because as you know, I've been a pastor all these years myself. And so I do think that understanding "The 5 Love Languages" helps pastors be better pastoral counselors, whether it's marriage or whether it's a parent child relationship.

And I'm always encouraged when I hear that pastors have been using the concept through the years. So keep up the good work, Mark. God bless you, Mark. Thank you for calling. Natalia is in Chicago. Natalia, on your with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Hi. So glad to get through. We are glad to hear you. So my husband and I are both, we were previously married to other people. And now we've been together married almost a decade. We have done throughout our marriage we will we've randomly done the five languages quiz. And it has helped so much in for me understanding that in the beginning of our relationship when he would do certain things that was his way of showing me he loved me because it was his love language.

And then I would do things you know, showing him I love him because it was mine. So we read the book, we've done quizzes throughout the time we've been together. And you know, randomly, the love language will change. And so we just adjust and we show other ways to show you know that we love each other like in this season, mine is physical touch and his is quality time.

And actually, that's my number two. So it actually helps. But you know, we're able to, as we do the quiz, we are able to reset and show our love for each other in different ways now from you know, maybe whatever it was last season, or you know, however. So the book has been so helpful, because it gets us to like, it keeps us on track with each other, and keeps us in communication. And it keeps us with, you know, just getting to know each other throughout our, you know, journey in life together. Yeah, you know, Chris, I think this color is illustrating the fact that we're human.

And as humans, we're in process. And things do change along the way, there are certain circumstances where another love language may become more important. And that's why I make the point that check in with each other, you know, every couple of weeks and say, on a scale of zero to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me? And if they say anything less than 10, you say, Well, what could I do this week or today?

That would, that would help. And so they tell you what would be most meaningful on that particular day or that particular week. And now you know exactly, maybe it's not their primary love language that week, but you know exactly what's going to be meaningful to them at that particular time. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . That's our featured resource at our website today Building Relationships dot us. You can listen to this broadcast there or suggest it to a friend.

There are also past programs you can access as well. And if you click the tab at the top that says store, you'll see many of the books that Dr. Chapman has written. His heart is to help singles and married couples express and experience deep love. So go to Building Relationships.us and you'll find some great resources. And as we've mentioned, if you'd like to ask a question for a future Dear Gary broadcast, or you may want to tell your love language story, call our listener line at 1-866-424-GARY.

That's 866-424-GARY. Now let's get back to the conversation and hear from Lisa in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Yes, I was wondering if we can have a different love language that we like to give and then one we like to receive and if our love languages change back and forth over time or kind of have multiple parts that we like to give and receive because I get confused sometimes I sometimes I feel like I'm having a little interference between people that I love, because I have one way I want to give and I think they need another way to receive and kind of get tangled up in the process. I just need a little clarification, I guess. Yeah, I think Lisa, what you're discovering is the reality for many people. And that is, you know, what we typically give just by nature is what we want ourselves. But that's not always true. Sometimes we have just learned that, you know, if you love somebody, give them gifts, for example. But that doesn't mean that you want to receive gifts necessarily. So I think the important thing is to recognize that another person will have a love language very likely different from yours.

And what you want to do is learn how to speak their love language. Now, does it change over time? I think it may in certain circumstances and certain stages of life. For example, a mother who has two preschool children, acts of service may not be her primary love language.

But during those years, it is likely going to jump to the top because she's overwhelmed with so much to do. So I think the important thing is recognizing that what you want to receive is not necessarily what everyone else wants to receive. And learning their love language and then learning to speak it, because some of them won't come natural for you. Because if you didn't receive these growing up, then they're not natural for you as an adult. But the good news is you can learn to speak any of these languages as an adult, even if you did not receive them as a child. Great questions, Lisa.

Thank you for calling in today. So we've heard from a lot of people who've said this is, you know, use words like revolutionize and others. I've been around with you long enough, been around long enough to know that there are some people who have pushed back though, and who have said, I don't like that love language thing. And there are different reasons for that. And I think the top one, as I was thinking about this before the program, the top one is that people don't like to, some people don't like to be put into categories. They don't like to be pigeonholed. They don't like to be all your gifts and your, because there's an affront. Do you meet those people? Do you talk to them?

Yeah, not very often, to be honest, Chris. But yes, there are people who have that basic orientation that if you talk about a personality test, I don't want to take a personality test because then you'll think I'm, you know, this, that, or the other thing. And I'm not. I'm a person and I'm unique.

And that's true. We are all unique. There are some common things about us as humans, but we are unique.

I don't argue with those people. I just say, you know, what you really want to do, however, in a marriage, whether you take the love language quiz or not, you need to communicate to your spouse what really makes you feel loved because they cannot read your mind. And we're not trying to put you in a category. We're just trying to learn how to effectively communicate love to each other. And when we learn that and we choose to do that, we have good relationships, whether it's in a marriage or whether it's in a parent-child relationship or just a close friendship. Another category of people, speaking of categories, who may not push back are people who say, I tried it.

It didn't work for me. What do you say about that? Well, typically I say, now, if I'm understanding you, what you're saying is, I tried speaking their love language for three weeks and they didn't respond. And I say, okay, so now you were trying to manipulate them.

Is that right? You were speaking their language, so they would speak your language. That's not love.

That's manipulation. See, love is simply the attitude. I want to enrich their lives. And if I know what will enrich their life, which language is most important to them, I'm going to choose to do it for their benefit, not for my benefit. But the reality is, if you do communicate love to a person in their language, not for three weeks, how about three months or six months?

Okay. Let's let them see you really do love them. And you're consistent in speaking their love language. It does something inside of them and they may well begin to reciprocate to you. But the purpose is not to get them to speak your language.

The purpose is for you to effectively communicate your love to them. It can be used that way though. It can be used in a selfish way. And I've even heard people, you know, talk about people who take the concept because it does quote unquote work and use it in a manipulative way.

And obviously you don't want to do that. Or at the end of our time here, Gary, I really appreciate you coming along with us and hearing all of the people who have responded and who have said, this really made a difference in my life. It changed my family makeup, whether it's a parent or a spouse or a child about their own parent. Thank you for following up on this, for talking about it for more than 30 years now.

Anything else you want to say before we conclude? I just say if folks have not taken the quiz and read the book, I would encourage them to do it because it has the potential of changing your relationships. And you can do that by going to buildingrelationships.us. If you click the tab at the top that says quizzes, you'll see there are multiple assessments there. Of course, the five love language quiz, absolutely free. But you can also discover your apology language.

There's an appreciation language inventory, even an anger assessment quiz to help you understand how you handle your anger and how you might improve on that. Again, you'll find all of that and a whole lot more, even our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us. Well, this has been a great hour to hear how that book has enriched people's lives through the years. And as you've listened, perhaps you have a story that you want Dr. Chapman to hear. Call our listener line and share that today. You might hear your story or relationship question on a future Dear Gary broadcast. The number is 1-866-424-GARY. Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot to hear from you. Call 866-424-GARY. Now coming up next week, professor of counseling wife and mother of three, Dr. Shannon warden joins Dr. Chapman. They'll give help and hope for couples experiencing the joys and struggles of becoming parents. A big thank you today to our production team Steve wick, Janice backing as well as Ryan McConaughey and Tricia McMillan. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody radio in association with Moody publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.