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Dear Gary April

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
April 30, 2022 1:00 am

Dear Gary April

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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April 30, 2022 1:00 am

Dr. Gary Chapman is known for the 5 Love Languages. He loves connecting couples and singles with the love of God. And he’s not afraid to tackle the real life struggles you’re facing. On this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, questions from you about marriage difficulties, family conflict and a lot more. You might hear an answer to something you’re going through—join the conversation on the April edition of Dear Gary—on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Featured Resource: Making Things Right At Work by Dr. Gary Chapman, Jennifer Thomas and Paul White

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We seem to have more rights from changing welcome to Building Relationships.

Tab and author of the New York bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

It's time for our dear Gary broadcast the month of April featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker. There are love language questions ahead. There's a great call from the single looking for advice, and a whole lot more if you're looking for simple ways to strengthen relationships.

Visit us online. Five love languages.com Gary were to start with an encouraging call that I would just go cold big timeout. You have to hear this and I want to hear your response here we go.

I'm sure you hear this all the time, but "The 5 Love Languages" on my walk with what we had been going through was ready for a divorce give up on the relationship she was speaking consults with another man, and I wasn't love as a man should love, not a scratch should love the church or a husband should love us while we had both made a commitment to try work on our relationship. We purchased the love languages and the devotion we have went though it and brought you level in our relationship now love my walk more than not ever worked out cost lover.

We have a great relationship across my son relationship charges. Thank you so much for your book your work Chris. That's an encouraging phone call never tire of hearing those kind of calls and I don't know if he was by the ocean, but it sounded to me like the way in the background of a couple so encouraging and it accrues.

I've heard it over and over again that the couplers that we were really next to divorce and somebody gave us the book are we bought the book and read it and then we took the quiz we discover each other's language in God's help we start speaking it and it literally turned our marriage around. I think it's because Chris this need to feel loved, is so central to our emotional well-being and what they were Christians or not Christians were made in the image of God and God's love. One of the great characteristics of God's love and and so we built with this desire. This need to be loved by the significant people in our lives.

So that's always encouraging this a couple of things I heard in their other than the noise of the ocean.

Or maybe it was just driving down the road, but it was that she had gone toward her and she got another relationship she she was looking to somebody else for love and once you get to that point, you know, you think will things are over there a lot of hopeless things you know and in the in the situation they were in but he said we were both committed to trying to work on this and have you found that to be one person can't do it all, right at me and asked to be to absolutely Chris. Ultimately that's true. One person can started it.

I have another book entitled loving your spouse when you feel like walking away and that's the people were the other person not willing to work on it right now that you know you will choose to love them in a meaningful way over period of time and then let's see what happens. So I think sometimes we give up too soon and but if if one of us is willing to read a book, ask God to help us. How can we be an instrument of his eye and influencing the other person in a positive way. Often, God will do that he will use that person to touch the heart of the other person but ultimately it takes two people.

When I sit in my office, Chris.

I don't ever ask do you want to work on your marriage. I say will you work on your because they sometimes I've lost the will to and in this case lightwave she's returning to somebody else you know for attention. She may not want to work on the marriage so the question is not you want to.

That's an emotional word. The question is will you work on your marriage and if you will. Then there's every chance that things can be turned around, saw a lot of hope your and you are quick to say as well.

This is not prescriptive.

You know this is not the magic pill read this book and everything will happen, like the fellow just called us that you can't guarantee that for for everybody who's listening. However however when you hear the story like that it gives you hope so.

Keep tell that story.

Thank you for your call. Let's take one more before we take a break Gary this next caller listen to her voice.

She can hear the struggle that's going on inside of her marriage. Because I am dealing with lot talks a lot about how to override a high functioning attic because my spouse is a high functioning attic state every day like you know every weekend kind of thing.

I don't know how to deal with someone high functioning attic because they're not really their life statement like me to if I can't accept them for who they are, then, something that I should leave and I want to change and I was just wondering if you had any thoughts on thank you, well you know we were living with someone who is an addict it's very very difficult, even if there were you calling a high functioning that is able to do lots of things and carry on the work and so forth. It's painful for you to know that they're addicted to alcohol or drugs because you know the ultimate, the ultimate is going to be downhill. It's not going up for continuing that in that lifestyle, and I think some one from outside can look at a marriage like that and say well you know you just need to get out of that he's never going to change. There is a place for tough love understand that but the message I'm trying to share in that book that you're reading is that let's try tender love. Let's try unconditional love.

Let's learn their love language that speak it on a regular basis over a period of time and sometimes just the last six months you have the sisters for six months and then let's see what happens if there's absolutely no effort to move in your direction. There is a place to say no honey I don't how you feel about us, but I really feel like that over the last six months I've done everything in my power to show you how much I love you and it appears to me that you have no interest in really working on our marriage and freeing yourself up from spending your weekend with drugs and alcohol.

Although maybe I'm reading it wrongly, but I'm going to go for counseling and I would like you to go with me but if you don't I'm going anyway because I've got to do something I love, love you too much to sit here and do nothing to say.

It's an act of love and the reason SIC accounts are is because if you go to do tough love which is the approach that then later says after seeing a counselor that says to him, you know, it appears to me that you are not interested in growing a marriage so I'm going to and you tell them what you're going to do. It might be move out to an apartment might be moving with your mom and I'm not abandoning you I'm not I'm not divorcing you.

I just love you too much to say here and do nothing. So anytime you're willing to work on the problem. I will be decided yes it's what I what words you use, but that's the basic idea. So I would say I'm glad you're reading the book because I think that book has helped a lot of individuals recognize that though we cannot change our spouse to be sure we can have a positive influence on our spouse say when a person just criticizes the other person and over and over they criticize them for what they're doing their diction all that then if I do tough love.

The spouse will normally say well I'm glad you're grown all of ever heard his criticism for six months anyway but when you love them unconditionally. That is, I don't deserve it but your loving them in the right language unconditionally over period of time and then you take that's step of tough love. Now they got something to lose because they know that you been loving them in a way they don't deserve that. Those are my basic thoughts in the situation that you're describing. Talk real quickly to the person who's listening. Who is the high functioning addict who says I you know I got that I can manage this ankle anytime I want.

I it's it's not really affecting me and my spouse is all is on me for this and wants me to stop it but it makes me a better person you know is not going to hurt me in the long run. You got accept me for who I am if that person were listening today, what would you say to him or her.

I would say I understand why you would say that because when you're caught up in something that gives you a momentary thrill momentary sense of joy you hesitate to draw away from it. But listen all of the research indicates that a person who is addicted to alcohol, by which I mean they are regularly turning to alcohol, whether since once a week or whether to everyday. It always goes downhill because when you follow that you're putting your trust in the alcohol. This is what gives you your your joy in life. Your meaning in life that always got to be an empty jar it's going to lead you to a place where you gonna realize this thing you may not use these words this thing is become God. To me it's more important to my marriage listen if I know something is hurting my spouse and they know what I know about and most people know about alcohol and what it does. Efforts are because they love you and they don't want to see you end up at the end of the road where alcohol controls your life. So I would just say talk to some folks do some reading on alcohol and get a clear picture of where that road litchi our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" and this is our dear Gary broadcast for April.

If you have a relationship question, number 186-6424 Gary is not a counseling line. We can't call you back.

But if you keep your question as brief as possible. Try to address it here on the program so call us today 186-6424 Gary.

We talked a few weeks ago about our featured resource today making things right at work before we get back to the calls Gary. This book deals with the intersection of how people make a living, and the relationships that they have with coworkers and customers and bosses and all that. I think it's a really important topic, don't you what it is Chris and that's why I agreed to write this book with my two co-authors I you know we wrote a book called the five languages of appreciation in the workplace, which deals with that whole concept of workers who work with.

I don't feel appreciated and it is working because they need the money. They don't feel appreciated by their coworkers, but this one deals with the misunderstandings and the conflicts that come in developing work relationships and how to work our way through those because sometimes those are the kind of things that lead us to leave a job that otherwise was a good job. You know, we enjoyed the work we saw as being meaningful, but there's this person I work with and we got into an argument and this happened and I happen and so this book is dealing with. How do we deal with that the hurts and the conflicts in the words that may be spoken things that might be done to really hurt us deeply and obviously a part of that is going to be a apologizing. Learning how to apologize.

Learning how to forgive and work through those things.

So I think this book is going to be a real help to anyone who is in a workplace who is in workplace relationships that are not going well making things right at work. You find out about it@moodybooks.org that's Moody books.org I love the vulnerability of our next caller who is looking for a little bit of advice from Dr. Chapman on my lap right and right in general. I'm a 49-year-old woman and I think all for about three now I just come out of a long-term relationship and then went into something a little more drywall/blank a few weeks.

I like to know how you how I should go about living my life. Now I get friends and family for support and I want to know what kind of activities I should give land keep myself occupied and how I should go about media, possibly another potential partner, just enjoying every day life. I think like to be a default know what you think. Anyway, that's my question. Thank you very much Dr. Chapman I have a great day. That's a question that I think many singles are asking maybe not on the radio question spend much time do things that are worthwhile things that might someday lead me to meaningful relationship.

I would say about everything else. Find a place to serve others see often were thinking never really be happy unless I have a close relationship with someone that may ultimately lead to marriage that that's going to really make me happy. I believe the greatest sense of happiness and satisfaction comes from serving others. So at your age with all of your background, your experience, I would say look for volunteer opportunities to minister to serve people in whatever capacity you have an interest in is always a place of service there. Remember, Jesus said about himself. I did not come to be served, came to serve and to give my life a ransom for others. So say that would be that mindset that you can think in terms of working to serve others rather than simply focusing on where can I find someone's go make me happy. The second thing I would suggest is find a church that has a single adult ministry and that is where single adults are meeting on a regular basis, discussing issues listening to lectures, learning that together about all aspects of life. It's often in that context, you're going to find someone who is committed to Christ, who is seeking to live their lives as a life of service and that would encourage you to continue to follow in that line so many single adults have found that when they get in the church and get involved more closely and intimately with Jesus that they find the person who is also intimately involved with Jesus and the potential of having a long, profitable, meaningful relationship with someone when both of you who are followers of Jesus far greater than just finding somebody that looks nice and gives you little traction and you enjoy doing things with, but doesn't have a purpose in life. I forgot to find ultimate fulfillment.

We have to have a reason for living and I think having broken up a relationship. Recently you in a good place to try some things you haven't tried before, that might lead you into a more intimate relationship with God and ask about that. It's been three months because I know that death of a spouse or divorce. You know you need to give your search your heart time to heal and so she's been in a long-term relationship. We know how long that was but it's only been three months to be able to let herself heal and move on from that and like you say learn that that could be an important process I think so Chris and see the pattern is that if we break up and were hurting. We want to find someone that's going to take away the hurt and people get involved in relationships in a deep way before they really healed from the hurt of the other relationship and that's why this is a perfect time for her to try some new things reach out to. As I said other Christian singles and read books that encourage service to others. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman to find out more about the program.

Building Relationships your podcast see where Gary is going to be speaking yeah he's going around the country. You can go to five love languages.com to find out more. Five love languages.com here's a great question from a husband about his marriage and it deals with some pretty intense feelings that he has about opinions. He shares Gary on why whether it be all political, medical, everyday life. We let go of my personal but you don't think about how banks could change other people on the subject. I would like be heard on my butt when I feel like I'm being shut down and nobody is listening very agitated. My demeanor changed my attitude changes kinda trying to push it and then shall not bill it back. My natural response that I would like you got on how to keep from biting my wife over really honestly back. All I really ran talked about most things but when it comes to my heart feel about something. If she disagrees with me and then I get shut down and I like being ignored and I just want to know how I can overcome that personal or explained to them how I'm going to make. Could you please just let agree. Thank you very much and I hope your Chris what this husband is describing is what many many couples experience they've never learned how to listen to each other when they disagree on something, the reality is, every single married couple will disagree on things because were human and humans don't have the same history we don't have the same thoughts we don't have the same feelings about many issues and marriage has to do with becoming one if I can use a biblical term scriptures either to become one.

It's a close, intimate relationship. And so he's indicating that she doesn't listen to him and that my question would be how well this a listen to her because if we learn how to listen to our spouse, they're more likely to listen to us.

So this whole thing of learning to this, the psychologist collect empathetic listening but he simply means when your spouse is talking. You try your listening you not coming back with you to shoot down their ideas there talking and your listening and asking yourself. I want to understand first of all, what they're saying and then what they mean by what they say and how they feel about this thing and so we had has to go both ways. Of course, but if we don't listen to the other person and we just shoot down or try to shoot down and argue them and prove to them that they're wrong and were right.

Even if you win the argument, they lost the argument.

And so now you living with a loser do that. I would say to him if he could have a conversation with her and say honey, I realize that when we disagree on something, we tend to get into an argument and not try to convince you that I'm right. You try to convince me I don't like either one of us are happy with that. So what we try to learn a new way of talking and listening to each other.

So if there's a subject that you will talk about our talk about that we think might be a conflict. What we had to say honey let's let's just set down a time and maybe twit for 20 minutes and we get we don't talk about this with a listen to each other and I will give you the first turn, are you give me the first turn does matter and I'll share my perspective on it and and up and then and then you have five minutes and share your perspective and I'm not will break into your not going to your wrong and will listen to you and try to understand you.

And then we can have as many terms as we like back-and-forth but were not were not shooting each other.

We were listening five minutes at a time where the listener and actually have a few terms like that. I think we begin to be able to sell you. I think I'm understanding you now I think I'm seeing what you're saying and understanding why you would feel that way and it makes sense and listen. It always makes sense in their head.

And if you listen long enough you can honestly say honey I can see how that makes sense now.

You're not the enemy. Now you are an understanding friend and they listen to you long enough they can honestly say that to you honey. I can see where that makes sense. Also now how can we solve the problem.

You said that before Gary about your relationship. You kids give a teenager in your early Allen heads and if the parent just said to tell me more about that either Eddie and you really listen, you can say that one can see how you'd feel that way you're not agreeing with them necessarily about what they've said you just saying I understand what you're saying yeah that's absolutely innocent. We can just agree to disagree on something to take dispatch of the cathing sees talk about politics in medicine and whatever you we have different opinions on those things that it's okay that have to be a problem in our marriage is to she feels this way. I feel that way and that we love each other and were spending our time enriching the lives of each other and yeah maybe along the way one of us will change your mind and go to the other side, but were not will be forced to do that we don't do it of her own well because we come to recognize. I think that's a better idea to that whole issue of learning how to solve our differences by listening to each other and affirming each other rather than arguing with each other. It takes it takes effort to do this but I think in the book the marriage of always wanted do I deal with this whole issue. I want every single person who's looking for for marriage are hoping for marriage and every young married couple to hear that because did you hear what he said. She's my best friend. I like we get I could share anything you want to live there, and yet there is this part you know that he feels dismissed or not heard. And so when that comes up. If you do get married or you are married and you see this don't run away. Work it out. That's what the scholars talk about and go to the website. Five love languages.com you can find out more of these ways to strengthen your relationships right there@ 5lovelanguages.com. If you enjoy Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman website.

Five love languages.com you find more simple ways to improve your relationships. You can also take a free assessment of your love language). Five love languages.com and don't forget, you can ask Gary a question at this number 866424 Gary call that number, leave your message and you may hear an answer on a future dear Gary broadcast 186-6424 Gary were talking about a husband with the struggle with his wife. Let's flip that around here's a wife with the struggle with her husband love language service.

Not my love language.

How do I I'm having a lot of like I cannot please him and need help. Thanks Gary great. I'm assuming that he knows what her love languages. It seems to me that's probably a good assumption, and the two things I would say one is first of all, we can't make our spouse love us and our love language. Love is a choice. Love is the choice since the choice that says I wish and I desire and with God's help, I will learn to love you and your love language. It's a choice, but here's what I would say let's focus on your asking him periodically honey on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank and if he says anything less than 10. You say what can I do to help fill it today, and chances are, you give you an idea and so then you choose. You don't have to kick.

He can't make you do that, but at least now you have information on what would be meaningful to him today and he may not always be his primary language may be a secondary love language, but when he hears you, asking that of him about every weakness I once a week you asking that question.

There's a chance that in three weeks or four weeks. He is going to ask you that question and he's gonna save you a honey on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love type and you can say wanted to be honest with you it's about to well what can I do to bring it up. And so now you can you can tell them now. He knows exactly what be meaningful to you on that particular day I would say I would try that and see what happens. Because when you're showing in the you're already speaking his language. Get that but when you're showing interest to find out you know how full his love tank is that says something to him is this girl is really trying to meet my need for love.

So I think you'll find that he may well within a few weeks turn and ask you back in question is a little little communication tool that a lot of folks abused just to keep this concept on the on the front burner for each of you that I would try that. Let's continue with their questions here. This is their dear Gary broadcast and this question deals with the spiritual struggle in a marriage. Here we go a long time (thank you for helping so many so many different topic, I have never heard the question and I was running if you give me a little bit of insight I've been married for over 34 years to a wonderful man who is retired military and I believe he was a child that had sent that the church so I'm alone at church anyway when we talk about God. He break down.

Get very up that intent that he's too bad he states that in the military. He probably made it into more action-packed now about people lots of guilt and I've given him all the Bible scriptures have enough people went to war. They obeyed God attacking their enemies all he was doing with following orders. Anyway, I can't get past that I paid.

I will continue to pray.

I love them and I want to help them. So do you have any insight of things I could get to him to help him get over that guilt and realized that he too loved by God and can go to heaven just like everybody else think you so much for your input. I look forward to hearing from you on the radio. Thank you. With this color and obviously she's empathetic with her husband. That is, she's concerned she's going to reach out to him.

She's going to realize whatever he's done. God's love salmon God can forgive him.

Even if in the 40 did may have been wrong and I think that many military couples wrestle with this whole issue because if you haven't been in a war zone and involved in that sort of thing. It's hard to comprehend the depth of emotional pain and struggle that one may wrestle with particular if there thinking in terms of I took somebody's the life of some some child's father can be can be really hard to get over, so I think personal display empathetic and recognize that you can't remove his pain, but in terms of his relationship with God. I think I'm just thinking about a little booklet that I wrote with your more. It's called scene known and loved. Just a simple short little book that you could put in his hands and say here's a book I read that thought was really really interesting if you get a chance read it.

Let me know what you think about it, and it's a short enough book that chances are he read it and what is really communicating is that God sees us.

God knows everything about us that God loves us and it's it's often a book like that that a person will read and then they begin reflecting on it and they begin to take steps toward God. I would also encourage you to continue in your involvement in the church.

Don't just drop out because he's dropped out of the church and if there are things that are going on in the church of a social nature is not necessarily a worship service, but something that a small group that you might be in is doing something I would invite them to that and chances are he may go to something on a Thursday night or Tuesday night or Saturday that it wouldn't be like going to church on Sunday but if you meet some people. There and then begin to identify how some people there. He may a few weeks or months be more inclined to go to the church with you and obviously horny when he does he's being exposed into the Scriptures on a weekly basis. Not that your sharing them with him, but he's hearing them from other sources. So don't give up. I would say that strongly don't give up.

Continue pursuing your walk with God and in your daily times with God when you're reading the Scripture asked God to give you wisdom.

What to do or not to do that would be helpful to him. Don't condemn him not putting down don't preach to them and say what you got to get over this, but share with them anything that you think might be helpful but recognize that God ultimately must touch his heart and draw him to himself. And so pray that God will in God's way and it may be through someone other than you and God will bring into his life that will open his heart and opened his eyes to be in the walk toward God. I love the understanding that she has for him in his struggle and I've seen this in other people and other venues that there is this guilt and shame that so deep and maybe a lot of trauma. You know could be PTSD as well.

That's going on you know him in his life about the past. But the thing that is hard to get over is how my going to make up for what I've done, you know that's what a lot of people feels like in order for God to love me. I've got a be able to make up for that is no way that I care for Ken and I always go to the thief on the cross he does like the only thing that he brought to Jesus was. You know he's had he can do anything he can't jump down get baptized. He really can't join a Bible study you can do any good thing. And Jesus looks at him and says, today you will be with me in paradise because he surrendered to Jesus and it's Jesus love you can't do anything to save yourself, especially when you're on the cross right. God has not that work for you. But even as I say that I think you know you can't intellectually make somebody believe that who has this deep inside of them that know you can't. I can't be forgiven because of the guilt that I feel I think you're right, Chris. It's difficult because you feel so badly about what you did and we can't undo the past that we can be forgiven of the past and in all of us have things sometimes that we was aware this was worse than this one but they're all things that we all look back and wish we had not done but we can't undo those that we can be forgiven of those and we can then walk with God and do what we can to enrich the lives of other people and that's where we find real meaning as were serving other people. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" you can find out more about that book and take a free assessment of your love language at our website. Five love languages.com that's five love languages.com what you do when your good intentions to help an extended family member get more and more difficult.

Here's our next caller about 15 months ago some altercation she always felt incident helps her prosecute her brother as we decided not to do. We agreed to provide for her to get better and we have done but over the course relationship has continued to deteriorate take it and she suspects all should balance sheet screens just where I have no shutdown and there's times when I think there is some ecological problem and then there's times when I think she is taking. I go back and forth between. She got a mental problem or should Josh go forward. I don't really know anything.

Thanks a lot.

I appreciate that his wife and husband with all good intentions have taken in this person who has obviously been wrong but I think it was her brother, but is not unusual that people who are in a stressful situation with family members have a difficult time feeling from that and that's what were dealing with here.

And yes, there may be a mental problems. No question about that now. We don't know how old this lease is whether she's a teenager over the she's older but conversations where she is the niece has a chance to share her thoughts her feelings her struggles and sometimes it's hard for them to speak. It's hard for them to get it out. But the more we can be calm with them and ask questions. What could we do that might be helpful to you what you struggle with most in your past and asking quite specific questions about what was your relationship with your mom. How is that like your relationship with your dad hello hello with you and your brother, Ben, and odds are there other children in the family. Just ask about relationships letter talk about her past and then also questions about her future. Would you like to do if you could do anything in the world. Would you like to do in the years that are ahead in her senior interest in her future and what what interested she might have. Maybe she wants to be a nurse. Or maybe she's has something in mind she'd like to do and to think with her. What would be the steps to get there.

Maybe it's taken some training at a local local college or but the more you can, she can begin to feel that you're interested in helping her become the person that she would like to become. But talking before that about the past so that you get a fuller picture of what her past is been like not just with her brother of the rest of her family because sometimes a person just for like over and over again.

They been put down. Nobody really cares about them and even though you're trying to help them because of the internal pain and struggle to have with other people.

They can take it out on you because you didn't do what she thought she wanted to let his prosecutor brother for what he did exactly that's a part of anger. Anger wants to make that person pay for what they did and so that's a normal response for her to have you all you know are trying to think in terms of what is the best thing to do here something I don't know if you have any contact with her brother or not but if you do if you could talk with him about apologizing to her that could be a first step in bringing some healing between the two of them but is a very difficult situation and I know that sometimes you do feel like just giving up to sit with. We can help you. Obviously you don't like us, you don't appreciate us that were discussed, but you out well before you do that you need to think in terms of where would she go over that mean would it be better or worse for her.

And I think if she would be willing to go to you with you to counseling. She may or may not be willing to do that but if she were that could be very helpful for both of because the counselor is 1/3 person outside the family could ask her questions that she would share that maybe she had not shared only maybe even would not share this with you alone so those are my thoughts and there's no easy answer to what you're talking about because we don't know the source and how deep the pain is inside this nice as I listen to that call. This is the third or fourth time I've heard it all the way through. Like I thought the niece. His doesn't trust her.

Doesn't trust her aunt and uncle because she wanted this and they decided this and said that that's a factor in this whole thing to and who knows, you know.

Maybe.

Maybe the prosecution would've been the right call. We don't know all the situation there. You know that you have to factor all that in everybody's doing what they did the best that they can with all of this so thank you for for trusting us with that question in that family. I hope that answer will give you some hope we have one time for one more Gary. We talked about narcissism here on the program. This is a pointed question from a wife who is looking for some direction north and I am going through a divorce after a divorce or separate from him, but we have that we found together.

Not like I got with my own income it have to be split. He lied and another like there's no hope, let me know what you should hang in the relationship and just be separated or divorced. Love is the separation is a step toward divorce or toward reconciliation. I think there is value in separation rather than just going directly to a divorce in North Carolina where I live. It's actually law that you have to be separated from each other at least a year before you get a divorce, which I think, incidentally, is a good law because it gives you a year to think about which way you need to go. Separation is good is like being in a hallway and owned the end of each holders doorway and on top of wonderworks is divorce on top.

The other door and says reconciliation, but the fact that you're separated let's both of you know this is a temporary thing here that we can either make it worse. Or we can make it better. And sometimes by separating and having little breathing room. Emotionally, the two of you might even get to where you could go for counseling during the separated time and counselor can help you assess, you know what, what are the real problems here and why have you come to the path to this place where you separated. Sometimes a separation is really just an emotional place for emotional release where you can just get out from under the pressure of the daily pressure of what's going on here so obviously 1/3 party like a counselor who is not involved in the situation but can help each of you share in the presence of of the of each other and the counselor what's really going on here beneath the surface. Just because a person's narcissist doesn't mean you should divorce them if we did a whole bunch of people describe divorce today all of us have a little of that NRC and I were all self-centered narcissist is goes a little beyond that always about them and they're always right, but at any rate, I wouldn't be so quick to go divorce I guess is what I'm saying I think separation holds much more hope that there might be reconciliation if you take some time apart and then try to engage while you are a part. Note no one answer, of course, to any situation like this, but a counselor can always be a help in so I wouldn't hesitate to talk with the counselor if both of you are willing, it strikes me every time we have all of these programs Gary that there's so much that we don't know you know every person who calls in here and I really mean that you trust us with your questions. Your your lives, your calls, your relationships and and you can reveal some of the things are going on in your life. I think that helps other people, so your helping others with your question.

We sure hope that we hope you and if you want to call us and lend your voice and your situation is. Call 866424 Gary for any question or comment you have about relationships, 186-6424 Gary love to hear from you.

You can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships online. It five love languages.com enter featured resource is a timely and helpful book making things right work find that book by Drs. White Thomason chapman@moodybooks.org Moody books Archie and next week if you're to pray you're too busy will hear about a practical to help one week. We hope you'll join a big thank you today to our production team time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's leading radio innocence nation with administering Bible and thanks for listening


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