The BEST Marriage

Well what can you do today to ensure you have the best marriage possible? You've got to put something in before we can take something out and so that's romance and kindness.

We choose how much we're going to put in and the more we put in on these special events but also on every single day, the more is going to build up and that will make all the difference. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . If you and your spouse are struggling in your marriage, you may be closer to your best marriage yet. Today author Anthony Delaney gives some practical help and hope to improve your relationship. The Best Marriage is the title of today's featured resource at FiveLoveLanguages.com. B-E-S-T is an acronym that we're going to talk about. It's subtitled Why Settle for Less and it fits perfectly with Dr. Chapman's goal of providing simple ways to strengthen relationships.

Again, go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. Gary, I think a lot of couples get into February, the month of love, and they get past Valentine's Day and they wonder where are we going in this relationship? What's happening between us that needs to be addressed? Is that a good thing, good question to ask? Well I think it is always a good question to ask and particularly if if the Valentine's Day experience didn't go well, you know, no flowers, no candy, no dinner. We need to be asking where are we going?

What's going on here? This is the one time of the year when everybody's thinking about love. So I'm really excited about our talk today about having the best marriage. So best of course for us, but every marriage can always be better and that's what we want to do. Let's move toward having a better marriage.

I like that. Well let me reintroduce Anthony Delaney. We spoke with him last year. He served as a police officer in inner city Manchester, England for 10 years before going into church leadership. He now leads Ivy Church, which is a church planting movement. He founded LAUNCH, Church Multiplication Catalyst, which is a global community drawing together hundreds of church and network leaders to be inspired and commissioned to multiply disciples, leaders, churches, and movements. He's an author. He speaks and teaches throughout Europe and Africa. Married to Zoe, they have three adult children, four grandchildren, and our featured resource is his book, The Best B.E.S.T. Marriage.

Why Settle for Less? Find out more at fivelovelanguages.com. Well Anthony, welcome back to Building Relationships. Thank you so much, Dr. Gary. It's wonderful to be with you guys again. I so appreciated our time together last time and was thrilled by the invitation to join you again. Thank you for making time for me. Well, we're excited about our conversation today. First, the word in the title, Best, B.E.S.T., is an acronym.

We're going to dig into it deeper in a bit, but what do these four letters stand for? Well, just briefly, as you said, we want to keep on getting marriages better, and we do that by blessing one another, by realizing the other person is a blessing to me, certainly never a curse, by encouraging one another and finding ways we can build one another up rather than tear down, by sharing vulnerably where we're at and listening to the other person and their heart, and then touch is so important, and you know, just physical touch and also just everything that we can do to bring the romance and to keep the flame burning. Well, we're going to dig into those deeper as we move along in our program today. You and your wife have now been married for nearly 36 years. What have you done to try to ensure you have the best marriage?

Well, since we last spoke, it was interesting to hear that it said that last time I had four grandchildren. The great news is we now got six, and for me, as the years roll on and we continue to get all kinds of wonderful blessings that come into our life through marriage, and I think, first of all, just to start with that, to recognize that this is one of God's greatest ideas and that, you know, it starts off, every couple, I think, nobody wants to settle for less than the best at the beginning, but then we realize it takes work. We have to continue to work at it and, you know, somebody said love is a verb, it's not a noun, it's not just something that you say or something that you have or even something that you always feel, but as we continue to do the things that loving couples do, then we start perhaps to have those feelings that keep coming back and building them over time, and so we don't just have the same relationship, we continually renew it together, and that for me is one of the exciting things about marriage. It isn't static, it's meant to be flourishing. Yeah, and that's exciting. I think marriage should be a whole lot better after 10 or 15 or 20 years than it was in the first year, right?

Absolutely, yeah, yeah, definitely. Chris and I were talking earlier about this idea of kind of examining your marriage once in a while, evaluating it. Is it helpful for a couple to evaluate where you are in your marriage periodically, and if so, how do you go about that?

Yeah, I think it's just to check in and to, obviously, first of all, look at yourself and rather than just look at the other person and find out whether or not you think they're doing a good job of it. Every marriage has like a room for improvement. It's like in every home, there's probably, if you look around, there's a room that you kind of think we could do with a little bit of upkeep there or else it's going to soon look a little bit drab and tired, and I think that's a picture really in our married life is that rather than just despair, just because you've got a room in the house that needs some work, you don't say, let's demolish this place. You say, let's work together on that, but it's good to be able to evaluate that and say, well, what's great right now? First of all, start with that. What's really good and what are we enjoying? And then perhaps after that, we could say, okay, well, what's not so great?

What are the areas that we could improve upon? And again, the idea is you're not trying to fix the other person. You're trying to fix the problem. You're trying to fix yourself as well in order to be able to have that strong marriage, which is just a joyful union together. I think there has to be a certain level of health in the relationship in order to evaluate it together, right? Because if it's really critical and kind of devastated both of you, it's hard to talk about those things, but we're not going to make progress without communication. That's right, and I think what we try to do, I'm not saying we've done this perfectly over, but what I've learned is it's useful to reunite.

As you were saying, Valentine's is a good time to assess in some way and hopefully you're going to be able to do something romantic around that time, but actually just regularly checking in and reuniting perhaps at the end of the day rather than just sitting on your phones or on devices and everything, but just to come back together again and say, how are you and how are we is going to keep on. Maintaining the marriage is so important, and if we don't do that, then we're going to find out we need major repair when we could have got some help and help one another to keep the problems smaller. Well Anthony, as you know, I am big on love and the love languages and couples meeting that emotional need for love in the relationship. What do you and your wife do to keep love alive, to meet that emotional need for each other? Well Gary, we have been so blessed, I've got to say, by your book and by the concepts of "The 5 Love Languages" and that we've realized as you look at them, there's time and words and actions and gifts and we've done our own assessment on that and it's pretty clear we're not the same. My major love language would be words of affirmation. I need that and Zoe is time, it's quality time and what I can do is I can think, well if I just tell her she's wonderful and that she's a great mom and that she's a wonderful wife etc, but I'm not spending any time with her, it would build me up to hear those kind of words and that kind of affirmation.

It doesn't, it should water off a duck's back for her, so I have to do what is sacrificial often for me. I have to get the diary out and I have to put her in first. I have to say these vacations that we're going to take and non-negotiable and this day off that we spent those things that we planned together, I'm not just going to say I'm too busy for that because I have to say over the years I've learned that the hard way. I've ended up not prioritizing my wife in my marriage, I've often prioritized my ministry over my marriage and it's been at those times that we've ended up in really in difficult situations and as I say in the book, you know I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed of it either that we've ended up having to go to good Christian marriage counseling to be able to help us and especially to help me to be able to make sure we're speaking the same language so that we can keep the love alive. I wish all pastors and wives did what you're saying, you know and recognize that the wife and the marriage is priority and yes ministry is important but if we fail in our marriage, you know our model is going to do more harm than all the other things we're doing in our ministry, so yeah that's very encouraging. Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, we're talking with author and speaker Anthony Delaney about making your marriage the best it can be. Our featured resource is his book The Best Marriage Why Settle for Less. Find out more at fivelovelanguages.com.

That's fivelovelanguages.com. Anthony, the last time you were with us on the program you talked about your career as a police officer. Did that prepare you for what you're doing in ministry now or how do you view that part of your life? Well absolutely, I think that at the age of 18, believe it or not, I was walking one of the hardest beats in the city here and I got involved in some very difficult situations and particularly domestic situations and arguments and so I saw the extremes of when relationships break down and I also had to in some way grow up pretty fast because I found myself in those hard situations effectively trying to be a marriage counselor for people who were older than me like my parents age and helping with those kind of things. Now it was only later though I think when I became a Christian and over the years of becoming a pastor that I found that in the end people are people and we know none of us can just do our lives alone and so I was grateful to plug into the love, the unconditional love of Jesus Christ for me which changed me and then from there to be able to go to him for the wisdom that I need to be able to help other people and to be able to apply you know good biblical teaching too to help people to learn to listen and to love so and since then yeah I think that having seen the hard issues around marriage that enables me to get a little bit perspective sometimes when couples come and yeah it can be difficult and of course sure it can my marriage has had its struggles as I've said but in the end I've seen that many more marriages are repairable when people are willing to work at it but we just got to do some pattern interrupts we've got to say we're going to stop doing these things we're going to start doing these things and that's really some of the things that I've mentioned in the book I think God does use everything in our lives to prepare us for for ministry whether we're pastors or just Christians that are seeking to do God's will I've often said I probably would never have gone into counseling if my wife and I had not had so many struggles in the early years of our marriage you know so that I'm empathetic with people because I've been there well we're talking about how to foster the best marriage so let's think about special days birthdays valentine's day wedding anniversaries and so forth are there things that you've learned not to do in order to have the best marriage well I think number one not to forget them is a good thing you know but put them in the calendar and maybe those guys need to put it in a few days at least before or even some weeks before and plan something again for my wife she's a quality time person I want to make sure I'm spending some time with her over the years I've done things I've you know I've gone I've gone crazy and you know I once spent I got into debt hiring the plane for the two of us to go and go out and fly and in the end she was afterwards she said she said this present was really for you it wasn't for me this is something you really wanted to do and so we've got to watch that I you know I've done the diamond ring and the earrings and those kind of things but actually it was the it was the time that we were together that filled her heart more than the gift because again she's not a gifts person now the person you know the one you're married to may be a gifts person in which case wow you know save up I think there's for many of us just being able to do the things that we should be doing also to avoid you know things that will that will spoil the marriage not just on on that day on the special days you know but all the other all the other days that we're going to be married together we've got to learn to avoid you know hurting one another I often think it's like you know if our marriages every day are like an empty box and you've got to put something in before we can take something out because really there's no love in a marriage your love is in people and we decide where we're going to put it and so that's romance and kindness we choose how much we're going to put in and the more we put in on these special events but also on every single day the more is going to build up and that will make all the difference yeah love stimulates love yeah absolutely now let's dig into the let's dig into the acronym best b-e-s-t you told us that the b stands for blessing and the e encouraging and the s for sharing and the t for touching so let's spend some time with each with each of these talk a little bit about the blessing what do you mean by that when I got married my the vicar who did their wedding he said about three or four times in the in the service god has brought you two together and it's his intention that you stay together and that's been very important for me to realize I don't believe that we're just together by chance and I believe that there was a divine purpose in bringing the two of us together and that most of the great blessings that have come in my life have come as a result of being married to Zoe you know the she's the one who actually first of all introduced me to Jesus Christ and from there you know she gave me a bible and I started to read it and grew in that relationship with him first and then later grew in a relationship with her we've got you know as I said three wonderful grown-up married kids who all love and serve the lord and we've got six grandchildren beautiful grandchildren and so many other blessings they're all connected in some way to her and so why wouldn't I see that she is just an amazing blessing for me now does that mean that I always think she's the most wonderful person on planet earth and everything's great and everything's rosy no but I remember that she's a blessing and I also want to remember to bless her I want to do some things that are going to make her day special and wonderful and and it's it's in again it doesn't have to be extravagant or cost a lot but if I send her a text if I leave her a note if I'm I drive her to work and and collect her from work I don't have to do that I do that because I care for her she works at a busy hospital in the inner city and I want to protect her so as part of what my my my role as a husband is I take I drive her into work and I drop her off right at the door and then when she comes out whatever time it is I'm going to be there when she leaves the emergency department she's going to be collected by me she's not going to get the bus home now I know this is an example and other people have different you know they've got different transport situations to me but I'm just giving that as an example of I want to bless my wife because I recognize that she is a great blessing to me I can hear some wives saying and thinking to themselves oh that's the kind of husband I wish I had and what I'm hearing you say is you can have this kind of husband if you see him as a blessing to you you look for the blessing part and then and then you seek to bless him chances are he will indeed bless you so that's a powerful uh powerful point let's go to encouraging yeah I think um you know the word literally the root of it is adding courage we live in scary times right now I think scary world people are seeing that the promises of the world was just going to keep going on getting better and better and um you know that the government and science and everything could just protect us from um everything going wrong in the world those those promises are kind of falling flat people are anxious and and and you know I was just talking to a guy in my church recently he was saying please pray for me that I'll be able to uh to to help my family and not to face the future with fear and I think that that one way that we can do that is is to add courage to encourage one another and to be the other person's greatest cheerleader to be there for them and and you know when they're down to say let me help what can I do to lift you up and uh when they're doing great um we should be the very first to uh to celebrate that and there's all kinds of ways that we can do that again it can be with a hug it can be um it can be verbal and and I think some people maybe think oh well I never got that when I was a kid growing up that really wasn't the way it was in my family but I'd say to you we'll break that pattern and become the person that actually does those things because it's going to be such a different world for you if you're an encourager and again if we're Christians it isn't an option for us and time and time again the Bible would encourage us to encourage one another yeah pretty fundamental to the Christian lifestyle right that we are to be encouraging everyone with whom we interface and certainly in the marriage yeah all right let's move to the word sharing yeah I think really again it wouldn't have worked so much in the acronym but I think it's a vulnerability is what we're talking about here and again this can be something we all struggle with um it's it's intimacy and you know again I love the way that somebody says that word is like into me see it's it's helping uh open up in up our heart to somebody else so that they get to um to look about what's really going on on the inside and so often we learn to hide away our hurts or even our hopes and our needs and our desires and we can expect the other person to be a mind reader um you know if they if you really cared about me then you know how I feel I've got to say I'm just as a male that doesn't really work for me I could do with some help knowing how to help and otherwise um you know if we if we feel the other person didn't guess because I didn't share that can open the door to resentment and uh that just gets worse it's a it's a vicious circle when we don't we don't talk and we don't we don't listen and uh so yeah I think that just to be able to find time again to be able to um to ask the other person how we how is it how we how is it going with you right now um and uh to talk about um you know how how your life is going and how you're feeling right now and it just is the greatest stress reliever to be to be heard by the other person and and very often I say that the best way to do that perhaps is to um like when you go to the fast food drive through and you give your order of what burgers you want and uh and when you they want fries and all of these kind of things and then at the end of it they just repeat it back and to make sure they got it right and something simple like that it can sound um you know too simple but I've just found that in when my wife rephrases what I say and but helps me to be able to and reflect it back to me I feel heard and and vice versa so those kind of simple things regularly don't are going to help yeah I've sometimes encouraged couples to have a daily sharing time just like we have a daily time with God as Christians at least I hope we do we sit down with God we read the scriptures and say God I'm listening and then we talk back to God well and that enhances our relationship with God if we have the same kind of thing with our spouse on a daily basis we're gonna enhance uh communication so I like that idea uh all right let's go to touching B-E-S-T touching yeah well I you know some couples they're gonna say well I'm already we're already touchy that's not what I mean I mean uh that people that we are reaching out and again some people might say well that's not really the way it was in my family I didn't grow up around uh in a my folks weren't really the hugging type or and we could feel awkward etc but I just say we it's so important you know there's been all kinds of studies that have been done that people especially when they did it with children failed to thrive if they haven't been given regular loving touch and so you know if we're not regularly loved touched in loving ways we end up becoming fearful people and again we don't want that when we're getting married uh to somebody else we want to know that this other person loves us and and uh just to um you know there's all kinds of benefits that they've even put in in terms of when we kiss when we hold one another uh that all these things strengthen the bond of marriage the bible talks about a married couple becoming one flesh you can't do that without touching it's it's you know it's part of the as we connect uh with body soul and spirit then we we really grow together and I again I give some uh some ideas and statistics for that in in the book well in the book of course you you discuss each of these uh blessing encouraging sharing touching and uh this book I think is very very practical at that point and I hope our listeners are picking up on that and we'll get a copy of it thank you so Anthony is there one that's more important than the other in the best acronym or they're all of equal weight um I just say it's probably the one that you feel um is it's hardest for you to do is the one that you need to do the most because it's like that's the level that you'll go to it could be that you find it very easy to encourage the other person and you're very touch oriented but actually um you you don't really share I'd say that that that's if that's going to be the one that you feel a little bit uncomfortable with and do more of that one and build that one up um and work on that because if you feel like you're not doing enough I I bet you the other person is feeling that they're not they're not receiving them that kind of goes along with "The 5 Love Languages" doesn't Gary absolutely absolutely speak the one that's most meaningful to them and and sometimes it is the one that's most difficult for you because you probably did not receive it as a child but as an adult we do those things that we know are going to enhance the relationship thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr Gary Chapman author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" you can find more simple ways to strengthen your relationships by going to five love languages dot com you can listen to the stream or download the podcast right there and you'll find a link to the book by author and speaker Anthony Delaney it's titled the best marriage why settle for less find out more at five love languages dot com just go to five love languages dot com Anthony as you mentioned earlier the last two years have been challenging for a lot of us uh have you seen anything positive come from this time of covid uh in the in the lives of couples yeah I think for sure I think a lot of um couples have have come together as they have realized again that they need one another and what could pull us apart um could also uh be those things which help us to say well what what's life really all about and and when we couldn't just um spend time away on on holidays or going out eating out in restaurants etc and we're in together then um some people might think well that's just going to break up the marriage and there has been you know divorce uh statistics that have been uh that have been have gone up in many many nations however I think that for many of us and I'd certainly say this is true for me um I've realized that the person who I ended up locked down with is the most important person in the world for me and the time that we spend together can be really good and it doesn't cost the earth we can we can spend time together uh loving one another listening to one another you know playing games and um all those kind of things we we just got away we actually um at one point we were able to get away and buy a canoe like a kayak and it was something we'd never done before and we were able um the restrictions allowed us to be able to go out for some exercise and we ended up doing that together just the two of us on a in a kayak and and it was it was something we'd never done before and we rediscovered all kinds of things about ourselves and just being out there in nature way more than we would have been when when I was going off to the office and spending so much time there being able to work from home as some people have been able to do more can also be a blessing as long as um we give each other space and we we give each other uh we're patient with one another and we're not we're not critical so I think yeah I'm certainly saying I've seen that in married couples in the church too and so many of them that have have come into a new appreciation of what is most important when when things have been taken away and have been made more difficult they've actually learned to lean on each other more yeah I think I've seen that uh here in in my ministry that couples who had a rather healthy marriage uh it's been even better during this time because they've had as you said more time with each other on the other hand those who really were kind of fractured before covid set in uh it may became more difficult yeah what what has happened in the UK in terms of divorce during the lockdowns and all of that do you have statistics about those numbers yeah I read that divorces in the UK unfortunately grew significantly in 2020 under lockdowns and this effect has continued in 2021 with inquiries about divorce jumping 136 percent but I do wonder you know there's an awful lot of people um I see signs on the sides of buses and things from divorce lawyers um who seem to be kind of circling like vultures sometimes around hard um issues and uh I I as I say we've been married for all these years um and I'm grateful that rather than walk out we've worked it out there has been times when it's been difficult and and we've said okay are we really is this going to work what can we do and we've said let's at one point years ago it was that even we just said let's just work this out for the sake of the children and some people would say oh you know that's not right I'm so glad that we did that I'm so glad that we didn't give up on our marriage or give up on each other because we change and we grow and we learn and we we learn from each other and we learn together and I know that divorce happens and that some some marriages do break up and I'm not kind of Pollyanna about any of that but I just figure that this that if people do it thinking that they're going to end up happier than the statistics show and again that's in the book that is not the case most people who divorce do not end up happier at the other side of the divorce so again my for anybody listening who's wondering about it I just say is there anything else that you can do anything else you can try just to be able to to bring healing rather than to bring even more fracture yeah I know that in the US the statistics are that the divorce rate in second marriages is higher than first marriages so obviously the answer was not running you know I like your word rather than walking out let's work it out because it does take effort we have to make some changes in ourselves yeah now some view marriage today as an outdated institution why has marriage continued through the years and why should it continue to be important in the years ahead well it's the single biggest predictor of human happiness is social relationship quality and then again figures show if you're married you're twice as likely to report that you have a happy life and you know we have married couples earn more money usually pay less tax they're less likely to cheat and be cheated on as a result they experience better mental and emotional health with less depression and anxiety and men are half as much at risk of suicide if they're married married couples are less likely to abuse alcohol or drugs and being married reduces the possibility and frequency of domestic violence all those figures can be backed up statistically so again marriage is god's idea and I believe he intended that that men and women would be in this lifelong loving relationships for their own good and so that families could be strengthened so that children could come into the the best possible start in life to be able to have a loving mom and dad around them and again we know that families these days are very different and we know that families these days are very different and people have all kinds of you know there's remarriages and all those kind of things I'm not looking and just saying here's a perfect picture but what I do believe is that marriage is I think in the Church of England marriage service the service starts by saying marriage is a gift of god in creation and a means of his grace and I fully believe that that it really is I think when people in our culture and today's culture for the last many many years it's the idea that if we don't have to get married we can live together we can don't have to commit for a lifetime because maybe one person's going to make me happy now and somebody else make me happy later but that whole philosophy is really kind of centered on me and my happiness and marriage is marriage is twofold I mean you've listed a lot of the positive things that come out of it but it also it means that I'm going to invest my life in somebody else you know help them to have a good life so but there's real joy and satisfaction in helping other people and in marriage you know giving yourself to your spouse it's not it's not all it's not it's not all just work it's it's it's a reward it's the satisfaction of seeing your spouse accomplish things for god and good in the world right absolutely and is to see that she couldn't be who she is without me and vice versa and I think that goes right back to the picture of adam and eve that you know god looked at adam and said no good for that guy to be alone and you know even he even god the almighty the the father said he's going to need this other person to be all I made him to be and I think that that again is another picture of what can happen in the marriage that the person comes along to help us and to complete us and to to shape us and inform us more and more into who we were made to be yeah yeah absolutely well communication is a key issue and a key part of a marriage we've touched a little bit on that earlier but how does the acronym that you use in the book think t h i n k how does that fit what does that mean in terms of communication oh well I heard that early on in my marriage I think it was dr allen redpath who who said that in all of our communication but so for me it fits in marriage it's before you speak think and is ask yourself is it true is it helpful is it inspiring is it necessary and is it kind and if it fails any of those tests and you know why would I bring that communication into our marriage it's not going to it's not going to help it's going to pull the other person down and it's going to just cause more more more trouble than that you know just to it's better to speak lovingly and and non-defensively I found very very often in marriage over the years what what I've tried to get better at is to be non-defensive in the way in which I speak and because actually after all we're on the same side you know you mentioned allen redpath and I have to stop and say that many years ago when I was in Chicago at moody bible institute he was the pastor of moody church and I went to moody church every sunday morning for three years while I was at moody bible institute and it was the first time in my life I had ever heard expository preaching you know just working through the scriptures absolutely he had incredible ministry in my life and I haven't heard his name mentioned in many years now but well okay I went off on a side track but I just wanted to share that yeah but communication I love that idea think before you speak you know and I like the questions you asked there what's been the biggest lesson that your wife has taught you about marriage oh it's a hard one I think number one would be she's right and number two if in doubt refer to number one I like that I like that I mean I've got to say I think you know looking back I do get a lot wrong I've learned to be I'm certainly I'm I hope as marriage has gone on I'm a little less proud and I realize that actually there's all kinds of things that my my first instincts on maybe I might be completely wrong and actually to listen to her uh it she's got insight I haven't got and she's got uh wisdom that I haven't got so why wouldn't I listen to that why would I close that down and I look back over the years and realize that so often I did I close that down and ultimately I think it's just part of the final one of the thing one is is that's it's just kind to actually recognize that that she's got really valuable loving input that will help me and so often in the past I might say hey why you why you why don't you just when you're criticizing me or you're pulling me down and it would hurt her because she wasn't she was trying to help so I think yeah to recognize that she's there as a with a gift of wisdom for me yeah I've sometimes said to husbands why would you make a decision based on your own wisdom when you're married to a person who's made in God's image and has you know another perspective you know and you put both of your perspectives together you're probably going to make the wisest decision rather than simply doing what you think you ought to do lovely yeah that's so true this is Building Relationships with dr gary chatman author of the new york times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" anthony delaney is our guest the author of our featured resource titled the best marriage why settle for less find out more at five love languages.com again go to five love languages.com well in the other segment anthony I asked you about how your wife had influenced you I want to ask this question what's what is the biggest lesson you've learned about marriage from your adult children well again there's three of them they're all in different marriages they obviously they're married to different kinds of people they have different settings some two of them have got children at different stages that the other couple have yet had children but I'd say as I look at them now it's it's just as hard now for them to in marriage if not harder I think that there's even more pressures on marriage than when I got married back in 1987 I think that now 2022 is a tough time to be married there's all kinds of assaults that are coming against marriage and there's pressures financially and from societal etc that come against them and so in many ways I think what I've learned is it's just to be there for them when they need me and that they don't need advice even though I've written a book on marriage they just need somebody to listen to them and to be there and and to know I'll be there for them and what however I can be in whatever way I can be and I often feel so unqualified to give them a lot of advice because I didn't they're doing a great job in in hard times yeah yeah we can always learn from our children and obviously as parents we want to help them but as you said we don't give unsolicited advice if they ask our opinion we can give our opinion yeah and and certainly they will likely they will likely read your book okay they wrote this book I think I'm going to read it yeah oh all right one other question along those lines what's been the biggest lesson you've learned from your parents in their marriage well my parents worked I suppose you guys call them kind of blue collar workers they worked in a cotton mill all their lives and my mom worked daytime my dad worked nights for a lot of the time when I was growing up and it was a hard you know it was a pretty poor area that we were growing up in the inner city and I never heard them complain and and they worked really hard my dad would work 10 12 hour shifts at night come in and he would love my mom and vice versa and they and anytime they got to spend together they made the very best of it they made the most of it they always spoke well of one another and my dad went to be with the lord about 15 years ago now and my mom still misses him every single day but I yeah it's tough but I think that's what I learned is that that everybody you can't say oh because my shifts are hard or because my work is hard we can't love one another we can't have a good strong marriage you have to make the best of whatever it is that you've got for now and I really saw that that's what they did yeah you know Anthony you just touched a memory in my heart because my mom and dad also worked in the cotton mill oh and my mom worked on the first shift and my dad worked at night wow you're bringing up memories to me Anthony what about the person who feels like you know I'm the one that's doing all the work in this marriage and the other person's just not trying what would you say to them well welcome to married life it feels like that sometimes and and I'd say the more than likely in that sense I probably need to calm down a little bit that's what I'd say to myself in those situations because when I feel underappreciated when I feel like the things that I'm doing aren't being noticed etc and that can be a danger point I could end up saying something later that I regret and it's at that point maybe that again I can go back to the illustration about I talked about love you know being like a there's a box and you decide what you're going to put into it and just put something in and keep on putting in we reap what we sow and it takes it's but sometimes I remember Andy Stanley says that the reaping what we sow in it isn't immediate and it's always later and greater and so if we plant a word of encouragement or love or or even going and buying the flowers or or taking or booking the date together that it might feel like it's only a little thing and but those little things grow and you're building up a deposit in the love bank in the heart of the other person and as you do that and you're going to see over time that that will reap benefits everybody's fighting the battle and the other person is too and and at some point just to be able to to pull back from that feeling that oh why am I having to do it all and and and just just try again would be what I would encourage you to because I do believe as we do that it can and often does get better well Anthony as we come to the end of our time together let me ask you this question what if there's a husband who's listening to us right now and he's saying in his mind you guys don't understand I've been sleeping on the couch for a month there's no hope for us what would you say to that man well this really isn't a plug for the book except to say actually in some ways right near the end I describe a time just not that long ago when I felt in a very similar position when myself and my wife were having all kinds of pressures and struggles and one night it came to the point where I I decided I wasn't going to get in the marital bed I was going to go and sleep in the bed next door and I've never done that and I got in that bed and then I heard a little voice inside of me that said and your wife's in the other room and I knew that was God I knew it was the voice of the Holy Spirit and even though I when I got in bed we had that kind of invisible 12 feet tall wall that separates us and we're not talking and all of those kind of things it gave us a chance the next day to start to rebuild so I'd say to that couple that man why don't you pray ask for the Lord's help and then get up off the couch and and go and talk to your wife there's always hope because we're human and humans can make changes and especially if you reach out to God well Anthony I really appreciate your joining us again today the conversation I've enjoyed our time together first of all but the content and the content of this book is so practical and so helpful and I know that many of our listeners are going to want to get the book and I hope that they will because sometimes if we just simply work through a book together you know both of us reading the same chapter and asking what can I learn from this chapter it can be a a roadway a pathway to enhance to enhancing our marriage so thank you for being with us today thank you Dr. Gary it's been a great privilege and if you'd like to find out more about how to make your marriage the best it can be you can go to the website fivelovelanguages.com featured resource Anthony Delaney's book The Best Marriage B.E.S.T. Why Settle for Less find out more at fivelovelanguages.com again fivelovelanguages.com and next week your calls about relationships the love languages and more it's a special encore edition of Dear Gary don't miss it don't miss it a big thank you to our production team Steve Wick and Janice Todd Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers a ministry of Moody Bible Institute thanks for listening