Dear Gary - September

This is Jamin Baxter and I serve as Business Development Director for Moody Radio. The only reason we're able to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ on the radio is because of financial support from listeners like you. We also have businesses support us too, like United Faith Mortgage.

Faith and family is at their core. It's why they choose to be such a close partner with our station. It's why they specifically advertise on Christian radio stations across the country.

It's why father and son John and Ryan still lead the company to this day. Check out United Faith Mortgage and their direct lender advantage at unitedfaithmortgage.com. Thanks to you and to United Faith Mortgage for supporting Moody Radio. United Faith Mortgage is a DBA of United Mortgage Corp. 25 Melville Park Road, Melville, New York. Licensed mortgage banker. For all licensing information, go to nmlsconsumeraccess.org, corporate NMLS number 1330, equal housing lender.

Not licensed in Alaska, Hawaii, Georgia, Massachusetts, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Utah. Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I'm in a 30-year marriage that's just going nowhere.

I was wondering, how do you know when you find the one? I have been trying to get my husband to be serious about counseling sessions. It's only by his grace I'm actually sitting here and calling you. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, our first Dear Gary broadcast of the fall season with your questions, comments, struggles, and feedback. We have a fresh batch of calls from listeners around the country. Many of those calls have come in during the summer months, and I'm so excited to get you some answers to the relational conundrums that you've called about.

We hope what you're about to hear will encourage you in some way. Before we get started, here's our number. If you want to ask a question for a future broadcast, call us 1-866-424-GARY. We're not going to take your questions live today, but you may get an answer on a future Dear Gary broadcast, but you got to call us 1-866-424-GARY.

Gary, let's start with this. I'm looking for a word from you for those in the military and families of military members. The events in Afghanistan at the end of August made me think. I just want to hear what's rolling around your heart because you are keyed in to military families, so tell me what you're thinking. Well, Chris, I think there's still a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of frustration in the part of military individuals by and large, and the rest of the country for that matter. My heart goes out to the military and the concerns that many of them have about these events that have happened. I think this is where we pray for each other. We listen to each other. If we have relationships with military families, we listen to the hurt, to the pain, to the frustration that they have.

We can't change things. We can't go back and change history, but we can be empathetic with each other, and I think that's what we need when we're going through grief and frustration over such issues. We need friends who will listen to us, who will let us talk, and as friends and family, we need to be hearing people who are hurting, not with a view of solving the problem, but with just a view of walking with them through the pain and through the hurt. I like that, and there's something that all of us can do, and I think prayer is one of the most profound things, the most powerful things that you can do as well, and here's another area of where families have really gone through the wringer, and that is through the Alzheimer's journey. There are people who are living that right now, and our featured resource today is a book that you wrote with Dr. Ed Shaw and Debbie Barr, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade, "The 5 Love Languages" , and The Alzheimer's Journey. There are a lot of families in various stages of walking down that path.

Well, there are, Chris. You know, when we wrote that book, I really entered into that world because I set, you know, in sessions with spouses of those who had the disease, Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia, and just sensed the pain and the hurt of that journey. It's a slow journey. It's a long journey, and that's why we wrote this book, Trying to Give Help and Hope to the caregivers, which often is the spouse and adult children, as well as professional caregivers, as well, who are working with those who are wrestling with the struggles that come with this, and trying to help them understand the whole value of love, emotional love, and that the person who's going through the disease, even near the end, they can still feel loved because the emotional part of the brain is still there, and even though they can't respond to you sometimes, the love language gives you five ways to dip in and touch them, and so we're continuing to pray and hope that this book is going to help many, many couples and families who are walking through this journey. You know, it's a similarity. I think a lot of military families feel isolated because other people can't understand, and it's the same way with someone going through dementia and their family.

They get isolated and insular, and other people don't understand all of the things that are going on, so I think this is a great book for those from the outside looking in, as well as those who are walking through it. If you go to fivelovelanguages.com, you'll see that, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade. All right, it's time for questions that have come in for you. Can't wait to hear your answer, Gary, to our first caller, who has what I would call a universal concern. Hi, Gary. I was wondering, how do you know when you find the one, or is there a way to know if you have found the one person?

Thanks. Well, my mother always said, when you find the right one, you'll know it. That didn't give me any help at all, okay?

And I'm not sure I can give you any help. I did write a book called Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, and I do think that working through a book like that can help you determine whether this is the one or not the one, and to be very honest with you, I've had couples who would work through that book, and as they get toward the end, they realize, no, I don't think this should lead to marriage. You know, we're not ready.

There's too many red flags waving here, and that's wonderful. I mean, far better to make that decision before you get married than to go ahead and get married, and then, you know, three years later, you're wrestling with all that stuff. So I do think that looking at real live issues, and how you agree or disagree, and even how you handle disagreements and conflicts, all of these things can help you make that decision. I don't think there's any one thing, you know, that you can say, well, if this is true, you know it's the right one. I think it's a series of issues, and that's why I wrote that book.

Really, 12 things that I know now, had I known earlier, would have made my marriage much easier, but I think those 12 things would also have helped me determine whether or not this is a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Do you think that even the question or the framing of it, there is one person, there's only one person out there, and if I miss that, then I'm going to miss that. Is that part of the struggle that you're coming into this, is just the mindset? I think it is for some people, Chris, not for all people, but for some, I think it is.

And, you know, that's kind of a theoretical thing, you know, is there only one person out there that I could be happy with the rest of my life and invest my life with? You know, as Christians, we know that God is sovereign, and God, you know, God has plans for each of our lives. We don't always see things from God's perspective. We have to focus on the human relationship, but I do think God will guide us in the process of making a decision if we're open to Him, and He will often use the kind of things that I discuss in that book. One other thing about this, and that is, I have known people who have said, I've met the one, I've found the one, this is the one, she's the one, he's the one, and they ignore red flags. Like what you're saying, when you go through the book, you see some things and you say, I don't think this is the road, we shouldn't go on this road together. But the idea that things fit up this way, and it's like, this is my soulmate, and you look past the things that are coming, the struggles, the red flags. Yeah, I think that happens often, Chris, and particularly in our country, because we have long held this idea that the main thing you want to make certain of is that you're in love.

Yes. We don't describe it, we don't know exactly what it is, but you know, it's that strong emotional sense that this is the absolutely perfect person for me. And in fact, one of the things I say in that book, I wish I had known that falling in love is not the foundation for marriage.

And the reason I say that is because it has an average lifespan of two years. We don't keep those euphoric feelings, I don't care who we are, we come down off those feelings. And that's when all those other things that we ignored become extremely important and sometimes very troublesome. Yeah.

And the other thing is that, as we keep going on, because this is such a big, sometimes the shortest question gets the longest answer is because there's so many things, so many permutations here. But the other thing is that the people around you, the people who really love you and have your best interests at heart, listen to them, your family members, your friends who know you, listen to their counsel. They're not always going to be right, but they will give you, they will tip you off as to whether, you know, this is going in a good direction, I believe. Do you agree?

I think so. And I think often, young people in particular will ignore the things their parents or others who know the other individual are saying to you. I mean, they will ignore what the parents say, because they think, well, you don't know them like I know them, which means you don't have the feelings that I have for them. So yeah, I think, as again, you're right, parents are not always right. And obviously, the individual has to make the decision on whether you're going to marry or not marry. But I would say listen to what your parents and others who may know the person you're dating, listen to what they're saying and consider what they're saying.

Consider the possibility that there's some truth in what they're saying. And then how are you going to deal with that? Thanks for joining us for our September Dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have a relationship question, call our number 1-866-424-GARY. This is not a counseling line, we can't call you back. But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it here on the program. Also turn down any background noise, music or the radio.

If you're in a car, it's better if you're parked while you ask a question so we don't hear the road noise. Our listener line is 866-424-GARY. And our featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's book written with Dr. Ed Shaw and Debbie Barr, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade, "The 5 Love Languages" and the Alzheimer's journey.

Just go to fivelovelanguages.com. I love our next caller, Gary. I love her vulnerability.

And she is kind of on the other end of the spectrum from the person asking, how do I know I found the one? Here we go. Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for 64 years. We have had issues over all 64 years. A lot of them have revolved around anger issues.

It's come to a head several times. And I did leave one time and was gone for about three months. We were working some things through and then a counselor told us, I think, to get back together again too early because she said we couldn't figure out our differences unless we were living together.

We have done the Myers-Briggs personality type testing. And that, I think, helped both of us with our marriage more than anything else we had done. You wrote the book, "The 5 Love Languages" , after that. And I had asked my husband to read it with me. But he was a very busy man. And he just did not seem to have the time or the interest in really taking on a book that found out our love languages.

So we never really went through with it. I feel that if we had really went into reading and trying to understand "The 5 Love Languages" , we could have had a much better last 20 years of our lives. I just wonder what you say about taking something like the Myers-Briggs type personality testing and then getting into your book, "The 5 Love Languages" . Thank you. And we enjoy your program. My husband listens to your program sometimes too. And I listen to it.

And right now we're listening to it together. And today, I think, has been very, very good for us to hear. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

Well, I appreciate that call. You know, when you've gone through 64 years together, a lot of ups and downs, and most couples who've been together that long have been through ups and downs. But I do believe she mentions the Myers-Briggs personality test. There are a number of personality tests out there. All of them can be helpful in self-understanding, you know, finding out how our personalities differ and how to work together as a team, not trying to change our personalities, but trying to work with our personalities. And the love language really goes very comfortably with that, because what the love language is doing is trying to help us discover which of "The 5 Love Languages" speaks most deeply to us, that is, meets our need for emotional love. And then choosing and learning how to speak the other person's love language.

So we can be very helpful. And one of the reasons why it's so helpful and has helped so many couples is because it does deal with one of the deepest emotional needs we have as humans, and that is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And if you're married, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. If you don't feel loved by your spouse, life begins to look pretty dark. It's much easier to handle the normal conflicts of marriage and the normal stresses of life that come outside the marriage.

Much easier to handle all of that if the need for love is met. So I've sometimes said to wives, don't ask your husband to read "The 5 Love Languages" , the whole book. Ask them to read the first chapter and tell you what they think of it. If they read the first chapter, there's a good chance they will read, begin reading the rest of the book. Sometimes guys who are busy and you ask them to read a book on marriage or, you know, love or whatever, and they say to themselves, I don't have time to read a book. You know, I don't have time to read a book.

And I understand that. That's why I'm saying, don't ask him to read the whole book. Just ask him, tell him the book has sold over 20 million copies worldwide, has helped a lot of people. Would he be willing to read the first chapter and tell you what he thinks about it? That I think would be a better start and probably he's more likely to respond to that.

So that would be the approach I would take and kind of see what happens. You know, what really encouraged me was that she said he listens to Building Relationships. And maybe he's listening to it today.

I want to wave. But, you know, it sounds like they, they really, even though there's been stress and struggle and strain after 64 years, you know, you're going to go through that. It's like their hearts are turned toward each other. And I can just hear that in, in their, in her voice that they, she really wants this marriage to work and she's not given up.

And it sounds like he's not either. Yeah. And that's my hope for them. Don't ever give up.

Don't ever stop. You know, marriages are either getting better or they're getting worse. We don't stand still. We're getting worse or we're getting better. The value in reading a book, "The 5 Love Languages" or any other book on marriage, the value of working through a book together is you get an outside voice coming into the marriage to which both of you can respond.

You know, whatever the chapter is, you read it individually and then say, what can we learn from this chapter? And the chances are you're going to grow and get better rather than getting worse. If you simply sit still, you have no outside voices speaking into the marriage.

Chances are it gets worse. So that's why I think going to a marriage conference or working through a book on marriage, both of those things can be extremely helpful in moving a marriage in a positive direction. If you go to fivelovelanguages.com, you can find out more about that. New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Again, fivelovelanguages.com.

I like it because I could pronounce all the words in the book. Now, now here's a big question is that this one has been thrown up to you a lot. Gary, is there a sixth love language? Our next caller believes she's found it. Here we go.

Hi Gary. I would like if you would address on your show, uh, this issue, money as a love language. I have discovered recently that all the problems with my daughter, she's 56, have been because I did not speak her love language, which is money. Um, I'm divorced. So she preferred her father because he had the money.

And recently I'm getting older now. Uh, we discussed my will and in my will, I give everything to her. And so her attitude towards me after 40 years, completely changed, completely changed. So I imagine her love language is money. One thing that comes to my mind is that choosing money is a devil's bargain. So I don't know.

I would like some enlightenment on this if you could please address it. Thank you very much. Well, it seems like it helped when your daughter found out you were leaving everything to her. That can say several things. It can say that she's very materialistic in my mind. And she, now that you've made that choice, she wants to be kind to you so that you don't change your will. I don't, I'm not accusing her of that.

I'm just saying that's always a possibility. Money, I would say in terms of love, it is a dialect of gifts. I would say, you know, a gift is something you go out and spend money to buy or purchase. At least some gifts are. Other gifts are free, of course, picking flowers out of the yard.

That's a free gift. But I think for a person for whom giving money communicates to them that you love them, that would be a dialect of gifts, which is one of "The 5 Love Languages" . I have no idea, of course, the dynamics that are going on inside your daughter. I mean, you described, you know, how your husband after the divorce just gave her money and she loved him. She was drawn to him, you know, but not to you because you didn't have money to give her. I don't know that that was the main reason. I don't know what her motivation was in, for example, treating him with more respect or spending more time with him or communicating that she loves him, whether that was just something to get more money and because of her selfishness or because she is addicted to buying things.

There are people for whom that's the case. So I don't know the dynamics there. I wouldn't want to try to even guess that. I do think a good discussion for you to have with your 57 year old daughter is to say, honey, looking back on our relationship through the years when you were a child and everything on a scale of zero to 10, how much love did you feel coming from me? And whatever she says, then you say, why? And listen to her answer. And her answer may tell you something totally different from the money issue as to why she didn't feel loved if she doesn't feel loved. And then also ask her about her dad. And then why does she feel whatever number she gives him? It would be just a way, a simple way of kind of getting a little deeper about why she responded to you one way and him to another way. You may find out it really wasn't the money.

It may have been something else. That's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We're taking your calls. 1-866-424-GARY. If you'd like to leave a message for a future program, 1-866-424-GARY. I want to continue with the theme of money, but let's go a little different direction. Here's our next call.

Hi, Gary. I'm calling because I'm in a long-term marriage. And my husband found out that there was forgery involved. And after called out on that, continued to do so, had to bring legal aspects into it to hold it into accountability. Outline of boundaries were established in court and continuation of not following court orders and continuing to use a social security number and my name and credit for his benefits.

And I'm concerned as to it's been a long time. I didn't get married to be divorced or think of divorce. However, he fails to listen to my needs of honesty and accountability in a marriage as foundational stepping stones in order to build up from there to a more united marriage. I'm perplexed. Kids are involved, older kids, and they are also angry, bitter, and confused in turning against me, who I feel I am holding to the grounds of the biblical teachings of the Ten Commandments and accountability, responsibility, and treating others. I'm wondering what your advice might be.

Thank you so much for your time and have a good day. Well, of course, I don't know the details involved in this forgery. She alluded to using social security number hers and maybe her credit cards or whatever. So I don't know the full story of that or the depth of that.

Obviously, money and how money is handled is a significant issue over which people have conflicts. None of us appreciate someone married to them or not married to them that does what we think is false, uses false information. So how do you respond to that? Well, it seems like in the past, this caller has responded with legal action. And I don't know where that led, but obviously it hasn't led to a solution because the problem is still there according to the way I understand the caller.

So I would say it would be valuable if you could talk with a counselor who could hear the full story of what's happened and then get their perspective on what your next step should be. I do think in a marriage we are called upon to hold one another accountable in a spirit of loving and caring. We realize our spouse is doing something that's wrong, whether it's in this area or some other area. The Bible says, Jesus said, when your brother sins against you, you go confront him.

And if they apologize and confess, then you forgive them. So I think there is a place for lovingly confronting, but sometimes we don't confront in the right way and we make things worse. That's why I think talking with a counselor and making some decisions, having an outside voice in this issue might help you come to make a better decision in terms of what are your next steps. If he would go with you for counseling, that would be ideal.

But I would say even if he's unwilling, it would help you to get an outside voice, someone who can hear your perspective and help you make a decision that will likely have better results. She mentioned the children holding it against her. And I've seen this sometimes happen that a spouse will want to protect their kids from some of the things that are going on, you know, that they don't really need to know everything here. And then that kind of comes back on the spouse that wants to protect the kids because they don't know everything. Have you seen that as well?

I have, Chris, often. And I think that's why, especially with adult children, she mentioned their older children, I'm assuming adult children, it's always better that they have the full picture from both sides and hear the full story. Then they are more likely to make a wise decision on how they treat the mother and the father because they have the whole story.

You know, I don't know, obviously, from just the short call that we had, whether that's been done or not. But there's some reason why the children are blaming her rather than him. So yeah, I think a full understanding. And I'd say even there, if your adult children are willing to go for counseling with you, that would be very, very helpful. Because again, you've got somebody who's not involved in this thing emotionally who can help you and hear both sides of the issue.

And that's basically one of the roles of a counselor, is to help individuals understand each other's perspective, and then make a decision that would be the best decision. If you enjoy Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, visit our website, FiveLoveLanguages.com. You can hear our program again there. Check out past programs, download the Love Nudge app, and a lot more. Go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. You'll also find out about the book by Dr. Chapman, Dr. Ed Shaw, and Debbie Barr, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade, "The 5 Love Languages" and the Alzheimer's Journey.

Just go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. She is lonely in her marriage. Have you ever felt that way? Listen to our next caller. Hi, Gary. I have been trying to get my husband to be serious about counseling sessions and looking within himself as far as where our marriage is lacking. It has been an ongoing thing for well over 20 years.

We will be celebrating 33 years this summer. It is a constant battle of me feeling very neglected, very lonely. We're not allowed to talk about the hard issues in what we deal with as far as our home and our kids, where we see ourselves in the next few years, especially as we are retiring, looking forward to retirement possibly. My question, I guess, is the things that I fear my husband does not, nor does he think about those things.

And so it scares me. I don't trust him for a lot of reasons. Number one, lack of communication. Number two, drugs and alcohol.

Number three, deception, always hiding from me, not being truthful with me. Uh, when I do confront him lack of caring for me as far as financially and emotionally. Um, and so I have posted him the last couple of years that I want a separation. I want him to move out. And then he says, Nope, I'll do the counseling, which is all fine and good.

We do the counseling, but I feel like it is his way of just trying to please me without necessarily doing the work or the change. And so what should be my next step? I am quite exhausted.

Thank you. Bye. Well, I'm empathetic with this caller, because I think when you have wrestled over a long period of time dealing with these kinds of issues, you can get emotionally depleted. I understand how people can get to the place where they just feel like, I just want to get out. I just want to be separated. I just don't want to live with this every day. I do think, however, that going for counseling is helpful.

At least it can be helpful. And it seems like he chose to go to counseling rather than to pursue separation. I would see that part as positive. Now, she indicated he's not responding well to the counseling. He's not making any changes, but I wouldn't give up. I don't know how long you've been going to counseling, but I wouldn't give up, because sometimes in the early stages of counseling, individuals are not open.

They're not taking suggestions and making changes, but that doesn't mean they want. So I would say, stick with the counseling at this point. That's a positive thing.

There's hope in that. So I would say, as long as he's willing to go for counseling with you, I would continue going. I would just try to be honest in the counseling sessions, and hopefully your honesty will help him be honest. And at some juncture, he may make the decision that he is willing to make some changes. Obviously, alcohol and drug abuse is extremely difficult to have a close loving marriage and still be abusing alcohol and drugs.

So that is a huge issue. I'm not saying it's the only issue, but it's a huge issue, which will have to be dealt with and should be dealt with in the counseling context as well. So I would just say, don't give up. Don't give up as long as he's willing to go for counseling. And if indeed nothing changes, and the counselor comes to the place where they, with you, decide that the better thing is a separation, because sometimes it's a loving separation.

And by that, I mean, we have the attitude, I love you too much to sit here and do nothing and let you destroy yourself and destroy us. And so it's a separation that's based on love. Often, particularly with those who have alcohol and drug addiction, it is often that sense that I'm about to lose something that I really want, that motivates them to deal with the real issues. But I wouldn't try that by yourself.

I would try that with a counselor, because you need somebody to walk with you through that journey, if indeed that's the step that you decided to take. Okay, here's a similar call from a wife who has made the difficult decision to leave. And I want you to hear, because she's right in the middle. When she called with this question, and it's been a while now, but when she called with this question, she was in the middle of that. Here we go.

Hi, Gary. I recently left my husband of the year. We do not have any children together. We've been together for two years, married for one.

He is very verbally abusive towards me, and it took his toll on me, and I'm sure it took his toll on the children. And I decided, I prayed with the children, and we decided to leave the house. We've been communicating through via email. He's been, we attended the same church, so he's been reaching out to God and our pastor. And I started my walk with the Lord in 2015, and I have been chasing after God ever since. It's only by his grace I'm actually sitting here and calling you, but I wanted to ask you, is it okay after I feel in my hearts of hearts that God has finished teaching me a lesson? I've been in this place before, Gary. You know, my history or past is repeating itself.

Back then it was way more severe than it is now. But you know, is it okay to be patient, wait for the Lord, and wait for him to answer to see if staying in this marriage is a place I belong? Is it okay for me to take that time to allow God to finish his perfect work in me, which he'll never finish? But is it okay to take time away on my own, spend time with the Lord, and be at peace? I haven't felt this much peace in two weeks than I have in about nine, ten months. I know God is a God of restoration, you know, for our marriage and, you know, our family, but I'm not sure, you know, I believe it is.

I wanted to ask your opinion. Thank you so much, living in his grace. Well, I'm encouraged by the fact that the caller seems to have a genuine relationship with Christ and is really taking her walk with God seriously, because our only hope, ultimately, in life, is God. God can change people, and God does change people. So I understand how a person in a verbally abusive marriage can get to the place where they feel like they have to get out because they can't go on.

Emotionally, they're going to they're going to cave in themselves. Now, she mentioned that the two of them, she and her husband, had no children together. Apparently, she had children by another marriage, because she talks about she and the children left.

And she also, at least the impression I got, that she was married before, and she went through a divorce in that marriage, and now she's in a second marriage. So the fact that the husband reached out to the pastor and is going to the pastor, and perhaps the pastor will either do counseling with him or he'll refer him to someone, is a positive sign. Because when a person has a problem like verbal abuse, and they're willing to reach out for help, there is help. And God can change that. God can change the mind and the heart. God can help people control their anger. People can learn new patterns of relating to each other. Typically, verbal abusers are people who are verbally abused in the past themselves. And they don't like that about themselves when they think about it.

They're just following a pattern that was developed in their heart and their mind. So I would say, yes, take time. Don't rush to divorce. As long as your husband is reaching out to your pastor or someone and trying to get help with his problem, his part of the problem, you be available for counseling at any juncture that he's open for marriage counseling after he's begun to deal with his problem.

And let's see what God can do. Because, you know, I have seen over the years, worked with many, many couples, I've seen so many couples find healing when they're open to God and reaching out for help and willing to make changes. So I would say, don't rush to divorce. Give it time. Give the husband time and give the pastor and others who may be working with him time. And I think if you can have a loving relationship with this man, I think that's what you want.

And so let's give it time and let's see what God can do. What do you do with her feeling of, I'm finally feeling peace for a long time and being separate from him? I think, Chris, when you've been in a relationship where you're verbally abused over and over and over again, it is a sense of relief when you move out.

Because you're not in the battle, you know, you've left the battlefield, you're not getting shot every day with the verbal bombs. And so there is a sense of peace, there is a sense of, you can breathe, you can take a breath, you know. And that can be healthy. That's healthy for her emotionally. And so it's not all bad. The situation she's in is not all bad. It's that she's actually taken a positive step by getting some breathing room for herself. And then that action has stimulated her husband to reach out for help. So they're in the midst of, I hope, in the midst of finding help.

And if so, this separation time will have served God's purpose. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find out more about that at our website, FiveLoveLanguages.com. Our featured resource today is the book, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade, "The 5 Love Languages" and the Alzheimer's Journey.

Just go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. She's seeing some things that make her nervous. What should she do? Hi, Gary. I'm a 24 year old. And I am currently single at the moment, more so kind of on a break with somebody. But my general question is, so this person, I've noticed has had, you know, a few issues regarding control. And this is something I have expressed to him. And he sort of kind of denies it and doesn't really see it. And later on in the relationship, I also found out that his father just simply and verbally abused his mother.

And they are still married. So, you know, I just want to kind of get your advice on how to go about bringing that up again, but in a calm way to, you know, not try to accuse them of heading towards that direction. But it is honestly a concern. And I just want to kind of open it up in a conversation again without seeming like I'm being judgmental. So yes, if you could provide any advice on that, that would be wonderful.

Thank you so much. Well, I'm glad that you're not overlooking his tendency to control. Because a lot of couples when they're dating, especially when they fall in love and have these euphoric feelings for the person, they overlook those things and just say, well, you know, it'll work out. Always better to have your eyes open. And when you see something that you think I could never live with that, you know, I could never live with somebody for the long haul with that.

That is a red flag waving. And so I think you need not only to bring it up with him, but you need to say to him, I think this is an issue that if we can't deal with it, we can't make some progress here. This may lead to the end of our relationship. I mean, a controlling personality that has not been tempered by the Spirit of God, and that person come to see themselves and see the way they're naturally bent to control. You cannot have a positive, loving relationship with somebody who is a controller. It's a personality trait that can cause havoc in a marriage. So not only do I think you should bring it up, I think you should... let's encourage him to get counseling, to understand himself, to take personality tests with a counselor, and see how detrimental that will be. That will be to his advantage. Whether you end up marrying him or not, you're doing him a service if you help him take steps to deal with that part of his personality.

So I'd say make the most of it. You're single. This may or may not be the person you should marry, but I would certainly do everything you can to help him see himself, understand himself, and how it affects you and other people who will be in his life in the future. You don't want to ask those hard questions, though, and I'm so glad that she is. You know, at 24, it hearkens back to the question that we began with about the one. How do I find the one? Maybe the even more important question is, how do I know he's not the one or she's not the one, you know, by these red flags? But I want to end with a final question here today, and this is about doing something his wife simply can't do. Here's our final question.

Hey, Gary. I'm in a 30-year marriage that's just going nowhere. I have a question about forgiveness and how much forgiveness. My wife simply will not forgive me, and it's just hard to live with because everything's so bitter and angry all the time, and so I'm just wondering what are my options here. I mean, continuing to love her, but also trying to be happy.

Thank you. Well, the caller doesn't say what his wife needs to forgive him for. If he's saying she won't forgive me, obviously he has done some things that she needs to forgive. My question would be, if I were talking with him one-on-one, is what are those things?

So we get the real picture here. And the second question would be, have you genuinely apologized for what you've done? Now, chances are, I'm guessing he's going to say, I did. I've apologized many times. Well, my question then would be, what was your apology like? Did you simply say, I'm sorry? Or did you acknowledge that you were wrong? I should not have done this.

This is totally wrong. I accept responsibility. Did he take the next step of saying, what can I do to make this up to you? How can I help you come to forgive me for this?

And also the question, help me, and let's... I want to learn how not to do this again. Because for some people, if you're not making efforts not to do it again, it's hard for them to forgive you. See, a sincere apology.

I discuss all this in my book called, When Sorry Isn't Enough. It takes a sincere apology before a person can honestly forgive you. Listen, even God doesn't forgive people who don't confess their sins. So I'm guessing that there's been some effort at apology on his part, but in her mind, I'm guessing she doesn't perceive that to be sincere. And consequently, she holds on to it.

She won't let it go. Now to her, if I were talking to her, I would talk about the biblical perspective of forgiveness, because forgiveness is a godly response to an apology. God will always forgive us when we come to him, because Christ paid our penalty, and we come and confess our sin.

God forgives us. And forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a decision. I'm choosing to remove the barrier that this has created between us, so that our relationship can go forward.

It's a decision. So coming to understand what forgiveness is, and what it does, and what it doesn't do, is also extremely important. Because forgiveness doesn't remove her memory. She's going to still remember what you did, and forgiveness does not remove her emotions. She's going to still, when she remembers it, she's going to feel hurt.

And so this is natural. And many times, because we remember, and we have the feelings again, it shows up in our behavior. But what I say, when we genuinely choose to forgive, it's a choice and not a feeling. We really choose to forgive. Then the memory comes back, the emotions come back, and we go to God. And we say, Lord, you know what I'm remembering. You know what I'm feeling again. But I thank you that I made a choice to forgive that.

Now help me to do something good today. And you don't allow the memory and the feelings to control your behavior. So I think a better understanding of apology on his part, and a better understanding of forgiveness on her part, might really help this couple find a lasting answer. So I would suggest, again, the book, When Sorry Isn't Enough. I think you both would find that helpful.

Here's the other thing that I know you agree with me on. And that is, the counselor who sits down with them together, or if his wife won't go, the counselor that sits with him. And they talk this out. You got that other person who's coming into this relationship that he says is going nowhere. There's bitterness. There's anger. They're angry at each other. And they both feel hurt and probably not heard. That is probably one of the best ways to untangle the knot that they're in, to be able to move toward each other rather than away.

Absolutely, Chris. That's the whole ministry of counseling. It's a counselor who listens empathetically to each of them, and then tries to help them understand each other, and then make some choices on how they can rectify the situation. You know, God gave us people who have an empathetic heart and who've had training in helping couples work through just these kind of issues. And many people are reluctant to go for counseling because they feel, well, somebody else can't tell me what to do. No, but God can use other people to help you understand yourself and then understand each other.

And God can give you the power to change patterns that are destructive in your relationship. We've had some heavy calls here today on our very first program of the fall for Dear Gary. Before we conclude, let me give you our phone number if you'd like to respond to something that you've heard today or ask a question about your relationship or give us some positive feedback about something that's happened with you and your spouse or with you and a boyfriend or a girlfriend, 866-424-GARY. Tell us a story or ask a question right there, 866-424-GARY. And our featured resource again at 5lovelanguages.com is by Dr. Chapman, along with Dr. Ed Shaw and Debbie Barr, Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade.

Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com. Next week, how to start conversations between dads and daughters. Don't miss the practical help in one week. Dr. Michelle Canfield will be our guest. A big thank you today to our production team that helped bring you the program, Steve Wieck and Janice Taut. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.