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Dear Gary - September

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
September 25, 2021 1:45 am

Dear Gary - September

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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September 25, 2021 1:45 am

At seminars and on the radio, people have questions for Dr. Gary Chapman. They want to know how to mend a marriage, how to deal with a prodigal, how to work through the pain of divorce. On today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, your questions and comments for this trusted pastor and NY Times bestselling author of The Five Love Languages.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Equal housing lender not licensed in Alaska, Hawaii, Georgia, Massachusetts, North Dakota, South Dakota and Utah today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman 30 year marriage going nowhere. I went wondering when you find out why I have been trying to get me into. I'm out conquering pension and coming welcome to the New York Times bestseller the five Loveland today. Our first Gary brought policies and with your questions and comments. We have called from listeners around the many of those calls are coming in during the summer months and I'm so excited answers. The relational number told about and we hope what you're about to hear will encourage you in some way to get started. Here's her number if you want to ask a question to broadcast full is 186624. Take your questions live today.

You may get an answer on future dear Gary broadcast Gonzalez 166424 Gary Gary let's start with this. I I'm looking for word from you for those in the military and families of the military members. The events in Afghanistan. At the end of August made me think I just want to hear what's rolling around your heart because you are keyed in to military families so tell me what you think. Well Chris I think there's still a lot of pain a lot of hurt a lot of frustration in the part of military individuals by large and in the rest of the country for that matter, your my heart goes out to the military and the concerns that many of them have about these these events that have happened. I think this is where we pray for each other. We listen to each other. If we have relationships with military families. We listen to the hurt to the pain to the frustration that they have, you know, we can't change things we can't go back and change history. But we can be empathetic with each other and I think that's it. That's what we need more going through grief and in frustration over such issues. We need friends who will who will listen to us, who will let us talk and his friends and family. We need to we need to be hearing people who are hurting, not with a view of solving the problem. But with just a view of walking with them through the pain and through the hurt I like that there's something that all of us can do and I think prayer is one of the most profound things most powerful things that you can do as well and and here's another area of where families have really gone through the ringer and that is through the Alzheimer's journey. There are people who are living that right now and our featured resource today is a book that you wrote with Dr. Ed Sean Debbie bar keeping love alive. His memories fade, "The 5 Love Languages" in the Alzheimer's journey. There are a lot of families in various stages of walking down that path.

Well, there are Chris you know that when we wrote that book I really entered into that world because I sent you. Knowing sessions with spouses of those who had the disease. Alzheimer's are some other form of dementia and just since the pain and the hurt of that journey.

It's a slow journey to the long journey and that's what we wrote this book trying to give help and hope to the caregivers, which often is the spouse and adult children as well as professional caregivers as well who are working with those who are who are wrestling with the struggles that come with this and are trying to help them understand the whole value of of love.

Emotional love and that the person is going through the disease, even near the and I can still feel loved, because the emotional part of the brain still there and even though they can't respond to you. Sometimes the love languages gives you five ways to dip in and touch them. And so we're continuing to pray and hope that this book is going to help many many couples and families are walking through this journey. You know this is a similarity.

I think a lot of military families feel isolated because other people can understand and it's the same way with someone going through dementia and their family.

They get isolated and insular baby and other people don't understand all of the things are going on so I think this is a great book for those from the outside looking in, as well as those who are walking through it. Five love languages.com you'll see that keeping love alive is memories fade. All right, it's time for questions that have come in for you. Can't wait to hear your answer Gary to our first caller who has what I would call a universal concern about why you have found that one part well.

My mother always said when you find the right one.

You know it didn't give me any help at all and I'm not sure I can give you any help. I did write a book of things I wish I had known before we got married and I date. I do think that working through a book like that can help you determine whether this is the one or not. The one and be very honest with you. I've had couples who would work through that book and as I get toward the end.

I realize that I don't think this should lead to marriage. You know, we were not ready. This is too many red flags waving here and that's wonderful. I'm far better to make a decision before you get married, then to go ahead and get married and then dinner three years later you're wrestling with all that stuff so I do think that looking at real live issues and how you need to agree or disagree and even how you handle disagreements and conflicts. All of these things can help you make that decision. Don't think there's any one thing, you know that you can say well if this is true you know it's the right one. I think it's a series of issues and that's why I wrote that book 12 really 12 things that I know now, had I known earlier when my my marriage much easier. But I think it does 12 things will also help me determine whether or not this is a person that I want to spend the rest of my life with you think that the even the question or the framing of it. There is one person. There's only one person out there and if I miss that that I'm gonna miss that. Is that part of the this the struggle that you're coming into this is just the mindset I think it I think it is for some people. Chris and not for all people, but for some, I think it is. You know that's kind of a theoretical thing you know is there only one person out there that I could be happy with the rest of my life and invest my life with your face Christians. We know that God is sovereign God, you know, God has plans for each of our lives.

We don't always see things from God's perspective, we have to focus on the human relationship, but I do think God will guide us in the process of making a decision.

If we're open to him and he will often use the kind of things that I discuss and in that book so one of the thing about this and that is I have known people who have said, I've met the one I found the one.

This is the one she's the one he's the one, and they ignore red flags like what you're saying we go through the book you see some things and you say that I don't don't think this is the road we don't, we should go on this road together, but the. The idea that it things fit up this way and it's like this is my soulmate and you look past the the things that are common the struggles the red flags. I think that happens often Christians, particularly in our country because we have long held this idea that the main thing you want to make certain is that your in love we don't describe it.

We don't know exactly what it is.

But if it's that strong emotional sense that this is the absolutely perfect person for me and in fact one of the things I say in that book.

I wish I'd known that falling in love is not the foundation for marriage and the reason I say that is because it has an average life span of two years. We don't keep those euphoric feelings. I don't care who we are, we come down off those feelings. And that's when all those other things that we ignored become extremely important and sometimes very troublesome and in the other thing is that as we can go out on the because this is such a big sometimes the shortest question get the longest answer is because that there are so many things so many permutations here, but the other thing is that the people around you.

The people who really love you and have your best interests at heart. Listen to them, your family members or friends who know you will listen to their counsel.

They're not always going to be right, but they will give you they will tip you off as to whether you know this is going to good direction.

I believe you agree, I think so and I think often young people in particular will ignore the things their parents or others who know the other individual are saying to you that day they will ignore what the parents say because they think well you don't know them.

Like I know them, which means you don't have the feelings that I have for them. So yeah, I think, is again your your right parents are not always right, and he obviously the individual has to make the decision whether you going to marry, not merit, but our site listen to what your parents and others who may know the person you're dating.

Listen to what they're saying and consider what they're saying. Consider the possibility that there some truth in what they're saying and how you can deal with it.

Thanks for joining us by September dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have a relationship question, number 186-6424 Gary, this is not a counseling line. We can't call you back if you keep your question as brief as possible. Will try to address it here on the program also turned on any background noise music on the radio.

If you're in a car. It's better if you're parked while you ask questions that we don't hear the road noise lister line is 866424 Gary and her featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's book written to Dr. Ed Sean Debbie bar keeping love alive. His memories fade, "The 5 Love Languages" in the Alzheimer's journey go to five love languages.com. I love her next caller Gary I love her vulnerability and she is kind of on the other end of the spectrum from the person asking how I know I found the one year ago over here a lot of very found around and I can't sleep on time and time for about three we were working some things trailing and manic letter thanking to get back together again to regulate because she compactly picture out our differences, and lastly relating to Cather Myers breaks personality typecasting and I think helped both at the Army, Rachel Martin anything else, please type the lake after they carried on a very busy man and he just did not have the time required interest in really taking on but that found out we never really went through and flee Paris and went into trying to understand the five floodplain playtest could have had a much better 20 years of highlight on your right hand taking something like Myers-Briggs type personality testing man getting to your plant psychologically. Thank you family and enjoy their program are sometimes detailed and I can type what I think to Cather, and I think is fair to write that. Thank you.

– If call when you go to 64 years together a lot of ups and downs in most couples is been together that long and through ups and downs but I do believe she mentions the Myers-Briggs personality test and there are number personality test out there. All of them can be helpful in self understanding.

You know finding out how our personalities differ in how to work together as a team. Not trying to change our personalities but trying to work with our personalities and the love language really goes very comfortably with that because what the love languages doing is trying to help us discover which of "The 5 Love Languages" speaks most deeply to us. That is meets our need for emotional love and then choosing and learning how to speak the other person's love language so we can be very helpful, and that one of the reasons why it's so helpful and is help so many couples is because it does deal with that. One of the deepest emotional needs. We have as humans, and that is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And if you're married the person he would most like to love you. Is your spouse. If you feel loved by your spouse. Life is beautiful.

If you don't feel loved by your spouse, life begins to look pretty dark. It's much easier to handle the normal conflicts of marriage and the normal stresses of life that come outside the marriage. Much easier to handle all of that, if the need for love is made so I've know my sometime said the wives don't ask your husband to read the help "The 5 Love Languages" . The whole book. Ask him to read the first chapter and tell you what they think of it if they read the first chapter.

There's a good chance they will really begin reading the rest of the book. Sometimes guys who are busy and you asked him to read a book on marriage or you live or whatever and there's they save them so that I don't have time to read a book to I don't have time to read and understand and that's why I'm saying don't ask and read the whole book just ask him telling the book is sold over 20 million copies worldwide has helped a lot of people would he be willing to read the first chapter and tell you what he thinks about it that that I think would be a better start, and probably he's more likely to respond to that. So that will be the approach I would take and I can see what happens. You know what it really encouraged me was that she said he listens to Building Relationships on it today. I want a way that it sounds like they they really even though there's been stress and struggle and strain after 64 years you. You're going to go through that. It's like their hearts are turned toward each other that I can just hear that in in there in her voice that they were. She really wants this marriage to work and she's not given up and it sounds like he's not either. And that's my hope for them.

Don't ever give up no never stop marriages are either getting better they're getting worse. We don't stand still were getting worse. Are we getting better the value in reading a book "The 5 Love Languages" or any other book on marriage, the value of working through a book together is you get an outside voice coming into the marriage to which both of you can respond. You know whatever the chapter is you read it individually and then say what can we learn from this chapter and the changes are you going to grow and get better.

Rather than getting worse if you simply sit still, you have no outside voices speaking into the marriage changes are it gets worse. So that's why I think going to the marriage conference are working through a book on marriage. Both of those things can be extremely helpful in moving a marriage in a positive direction to go to five love languages.com you can find out more about that New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" again.

Five love languages.com I like it because I could pronounce all the words in the book it now. Now here's the big question is then this one is been thrown up to you a lot. Gary is there 1/6 love language. Our next caller believes she's found here we go there. I can now I cannot. Well, it seems like it's helped your daughter found out you were leaving everything to her elected say several things again say this is very materialistic in my minded and see now that you made that choice. She was to be kind to you so that you don't change your will.

I don't I'm not accusing her of that. I'm deciding that's always a possibility of money I would say in terms of love. It is a dialect of gifts. I would say your gift is something you go out and spend money to buyer purchase at least some gifts or other gifts are free. Of course, picking flowers out the yard that's a free gift, but I think God for the person for whom giving money communicates to them that you love them.

That would be a dialect of gifts, which is one of the five love linkages. I have no idea. Of course, of the dynamics that are going on inside your daughter, you described how that your your husband after the divorce just gave her money and she loved him. She is drawn to him in a but not to you because you didn't have money to give her.

I don't know that that was the main reason I don't know what her motivation was in. For example, treating him with more respect or spending more time with him or communicated. She loves him whether that was just something to get more money and because of her selfishness because she is addicted to buying things.

There are people for whom that's the case of the dynamics that I would want to try to even guess that I do think a good discussion for you to have with your 57-year-old daughter is to say honey. Looking back on our relationship through the years when you were a child and everything on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love that you feel coming from me and whatever she says then you say why and listen to her answer and her answer may tell you something totally different from the money issue as to why she didn't feel loved if she doesn't fill out and then also ask about her dad and then why what is she feel whatever number she gives him I will be just the way a simple way of kinda getting a little deeper about why she responded to you one when him to another way you might find out it really wasn't the money may have been something else that's up to Gary Chapman this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman were taking your calls, 186-6424 Gary if you'd like to leave a message for future program 186-6424 Gary want to continue with the theme of money but still a little different direction. Here's our next call I had long-term married and my head and found that at Berwick torturing Bob and after called Adam that continue to tell had to bring the legal aspect into it to hold it into accountability.

Outlying boundaries where established in court and continuation of not following court orders and contained few you access and security number and my name and credit for his benefit and I'm concerned that David and on time. I didn't get married to be divorced her think of divorce. However, he failed to listen to my need to honor and accountability in a marriage is foundational tapping sound in order to build up from there to a more united marriage and complex kids are involved older can and they are also angry bitter and confused and turning against me who I feel I am holding to the ground. The biblical teachings of the 10 Commandments and accountability responsibility and treating others and wondering what your advice might be.

Thank you so much for your time and have a great day course. I don't know the details involved in this fortress.

He alluded to using Social Security number hers and her credit cards or whatever so I don't know the full story.

That or the depth of that obviously money and how money is handled is a significant issue over which people have conflicts. None of us appreciate someone married to them are not married to them that does what we think is false. Uses false information so quickly how you respond to that. Well, it seems like in the past.

This caller has responded with legal action and I don't know where that led. But obviously it hasn't led to a solution because the problem was still there. According to the way I understand the caller would say it would be valuable if you could talk with a counselor who could hear the full story once happened and then get their perspective on what your next step should be. I do think in a marriage. We are called upon to hold one another accountable in the spirit of loving and caring.

We realize our spouse is doing something that's wrong. Whether it's in this area some other area. The Bible says Jesus. And when your brother sins against you you you go confronting and if they apologize and fairness than you forget them.

So I think there is a place for lovingly confronting but sometimes we don't confront in the right way and will make things worse.

That's why I think talking with a counselor and in making some decisions having an outside voice in this issue might help you come to make a better decision in terms of what are your next steps if he would go with you for counseling that would be ideal, but I would say even if he's unwilling it would help you to get an outside voice, someone who can hear your perspective and help you make a decision that will likely have better results. She mentioned the children holding it against her, and I've seen this sometimes happen that a spouse want to protect their kids from some of the things that are going on, you know that there they don't really need to know everything here and then that kinda comes back on the spouse that wants to protect the kids because they don't know everything and have you seen that as well. I have Chris often and I think that's why, especially with adult children.

She mentioned their older children come from assuming adult children. It's always better that they have the full picture from both sides and hear the full story then they are more likely to make a wise decision on how they treat the mother and the father because they have the whole story and I don't know, obviously from just took the short call that we had whether that's been done or not, but there some reason why the children are blaming her rather than rather than him. So yeah, I think a full understanding that's even there. If you're no children are willing to go for counseling with you. That would be very very helpful because again you got somebody who's not involved in this thing emotionally, who can help you in here hear both sides of the issue and that's basically the more the roles of a counselor is to help individuals understand each other's perspective and then make a decision that would be the best decision. If you enjoy Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman visit our website. Five love languages.com you can hear our program again. There check out past programs download that love Najaf and a lot more out of five love languages.com you'll also find out about the book by Dr. Chapman, Dr. Ed Shaw and Debbie Barr keeping love alive as memories fade. Five love languages and the Alzheimer's journey just got a five love languages.com she is lonely in her marriage have ever felt that way. Listen to our next caller have been trained into the area about comforting tension and are looking within himself. As far as where our marriage is blacking. It has been an ongoing thing for well over 20 years. We will be celebrating 33 years, and a constant battle has me feeling very neglected and very lonely were not allowed to talk about the heart. But we can't let that start at our home and Eric had where we found the next years. Especially if we are retiring and looking power to retirement, practically none question.

I got the things that I fear my husband is not and I guess he think about those things and fellate it scares me, I don't Campfire a line of reason number one.

Lack of communication number two on drug and alcohol number three defection LH hiding from me. I'm not being truthful with me when I do confront him lack of caring for me.

Sorry, financially and emotionally. And so I have the last couple years that I want a separation.

I want him to move out and then he could count on dinner counseling without signing guide to get a counterclaim but I feel like a tense way of Trying to please me, without necessarily doing the work order to change and tell what should be my next. I am quite… Thank you.

I am empathetic with this caller because I think when you have wrestled over a long period of time dealing with these kind of issues you can get emotionally depleted. Understand how people can get to the place where they just feel like I just want to get out of this will be separated under spell and want to live with this everyday. I do think however that going for counseling is helpful. At least it can be helpful, and it seems like he chose to go to counseling rather than to pursue separation. I would say that part is positive. She indicated he's not responding well to the counseling is not making any changes but I wouldn't give up. I don't know how long you been going to counseling, but I wouldn't give up because sometimes in the early stages of counseling individuals are not open. They're not taking suggestions and making changes that doesn't mean they want, so I would say stick with the counseling at this point, that's a positive thing that there's hope in that so I would say as long as he's willing to go for counseling with you. I would continue going. I would just try to be honest in the counseling sessions and hopefully your honesty will help him be honest and at some juncture, he may make a decision that he is willing to make some changes. Obviously, alcohol and drug abuse is extremely difficult to have a close loving marriage and still be abusing alcohol and drugs so that that is a huge issue about things.

The only issue, but it's a huge issue which will have to be dealt with and should be dealt with in the counseling context as well.

So I would just I don't give up. Don't give up.

As long as he's willing to go for counseling and if indeed nothing changes in the counselor comes to the place where they with you decide that the better thing is I separation because sometimes it's a loving separation.

By that I mean we so we have the attitude I love you too much to sit here and do nothing and let you destroy yourself and destroy us and so it's a separation that's based on love often, particularly with those who have alcohol and drug addiction. It is often that sense that I'm about to lose something that I really want that motivates them to deal with the real issues, but I wouldn't try that by yourself. I would die would try that with a counselor because you need someone to walk with you through that journey. If indeed that's the step that you decide to take.

Okay, here's a similar call from a wife who has made the difficult decision to leave and I want you to. Here's because she's right in the middle when she called with this question and it's been a while now, but when she called with this question.

She was in the middle of that here we go here. Mary wanted to go to court and fell on the Sherry took us on the counter and decided time I prayed with the children learn I can have been communicating through via email when we attended the same church Sunday and they chanted Diana, our pastor on my walk with the Lord in 2015 taking after not interesting. It's only thanks Craig actually coming. I wanted to ask is it okay after I feel in my heart of hearts that God has finished teaching the last 10 minutes basically carry down my history is repeating itself back and it was blameless that there is now okay to be patient for the Lord, and wait for him to rent check to see Amy spank.

It's a place I can learn it's okay for me to take the time to allow God to finish his perfect work and leave.

It shall never okay to take time away on my own, caloric intake. I haven't felt this much he can truly having about 910 nine male God is the kind of frustration for our marriage and our family, cherry, I believe it is. I wanted to ask your opinion.

Thank you so much for letting us carry well I'm encouraged by the fact that the caller seems to have a genuine relationship with Christ and is really taking her walk with God seriously because our only hope.

Ultimately, life is God. God can change people, and God does strange people, so I understand how a person in a verbally abusive marriage can get to the place where they feel like they have to get out because they can't they can't go home and I mostly they're going to cave in themselves, she mentioned that the two of them. She and her husband had no children together.

Apparently she had children by another marriage because she talks about she and the children left and she also leaves the impression I got that she was married before and she went through a divorce and that marriage and now she is she's in a second marriage so the fact that the husband reached out to the pastor and is going to the pastor and perhaps the pastor related to counseling with him or he'll refer him to someone is a positive sign, because when a person has a problem like verbal abuse and their willing to reach out for help. There is help and God can change that God can change the mind and the heart. God can help people control their anger people can learn new patterns of relating to each other, typically verbal abusers are people who are verbally abuse in the past, themselves, and they don't like that about themselves when they think about it. They're just following a pattern that that was developed in their heart and their minds so I would say yes. Take time don't rush to divorce as long as your husband is reaching out to your pastor or someone and trying to get help with his problem. His part of the problem you be available for counseling at any juncture that that he's open for marriage counseling after he's begun to deal with his problem and let's see what God can do, because you know I have seen over the years worked with many many couples I've seen so many couples find healing when they're open to God and reaching out for help and willing to make changes so I would say don't rush the divorce. Give it time, give the husband time and give the pastor and others who may be working with him time and not that I think if you can have a loving relationship with this man.

I think that's what you want and so let's give it time and let's see what God can do what you do with her feeling of. I'm finally feeling peace for a long time and and being separate from him. I think Chris when you been in a relationship or your verbally abuse over and over and over again. It is a sense of relief when you move out because you're not in the battle you left the battlefield not getting shot every day with the verbal bombs and so there is a sense of peace. There is a sense of you can breathe you can take a breath, and I can be healthy, that's healthy for her emotionally and so it's not all bad the situation she's in is not all bad, it's that she's actually taken a positive step by getting some breathing room for herself and then that action has stimulated her husband to reach out for help. So there in the midst of movement in the midst of finding help and if so, this separation time will be will serve will have serve God's purpose. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" can find out more about that at our website.

Five love languages.com our featured resource today is the book keeping love alive as memories fade. Five love languages and the Alzheimer's journey just got a five love languages.com. She's seeing some things that make her nervous. What should she do great. But I you regarding all night and later on relate that Bao found out that it bothered me in Berkeley and they are will Mary survive on how to go about that. But not heading toward that direction by the third day thinking about my height, wonderful. Thank you.

I'm glad that you're not overlooking his tendency to control because a lot of couples when they're dating, especially when they fall in love and have these euphoric feelings for the person they overlook those things and just say well it will work out always better to have your eyes open and when you see something that you think I could never live with it.

I could never live with somebody for the long haul with that. That is a red flag waving. And so I think you needs not only to bring it up with him, but you need to say to him. I think this is an issue that if we can't deal with it.

We can make some progress here. This may lead to our end of our relationship, I mean that a controlling personality that is that is not been tempered by the spirit of God and that person come to see themselves and see the way there.

Naturally bent to control you.

You cannot have a positive loving relationship with somebody who is a controller it's a personality trait that can cause havoc in a marriage.

So not only do I think you should bring it up. I think you should let let's encourage him to get counseling to understand himself take personality test with the counselor and and and see how detrimental that will beat that will be to his advantage.

Whether you end up marrying him or not you doing him a service if you help him take steps to deal with that part of his personality so I'd say make the most of it. Your single this may or may not be the person you should marry, but I would certainly do everything you can to help him see himself understand himself and how it affects you and other people who will be in his life in the future. You don't want to ask those hard questions.and I'm so glad that she is in a 24 inch harkens back to the question that we began with about the one how I find the one maybe it even more important question is how I know he's not the one or she's not the one needed by these red flags that I want to end with a a final question here today and this is about doing something his wife simply can't do. Here's our final question. Your merit going nowhere.

I have a question about forgiveness and how much forgiveness I simply will not forget, and it is hard to live with everything so bitter and angry all the time and so I'm just wondering what are my options here continuing to love her but also trying to be happy doesn't say what his wife needs to forgive him for it is he saying she will forgive me. Obviously he has done some things that she needs to forgive. My question would be if I were talking with him one-on-one is what are those things so we get the real picture here. In the second question would be, have you genuinely apologized for what you've done that chances are, I'm guessing he's going to say I did apologize many times well my question then would be what was your apology like did you simply say I am sorry are did you acknowledge that you are wrong. I should not have done this. This is totally wrong, except responsibility did he take that next step of saying what can I do to make this up to you. How can I help you come to accept me into forgive me for this and also the question help me and let's let's I want to learn how not to do this again because for some people if you're not making efforts not to do it again. It's hard for them to forgive you see a sincere apology. I discussed all this in my will call when sorry isn't enough. It takes a sincere apology before person can honestly forgive you. Listen to even God doesn't forgive people who don't confess their sins so I'm guessing that there's been some effort at apology on his part, but in her mind. I'm guessing she doesn't perceive that to be sincere and consequently she holds onto it.

She won't let it go after her thorough talking to her I would talk about the biblical perspective or forgiveness because forgiveness is a godly response to an apology, God will always forgive us when we come to him because Christ paid our family and we come and confess our sin. God forgives us and forgiveness is not a feeling.

Forgiveness is the decision I'm choosing to remove the barrier that this is created between us so that our relationship can go forward.

It's a decision.

So coming to understand what forgiveness is and what it does and what it doesn't is also extremely important because forgiveness doesn't remove her memory. She's going to still remember what you did. And forgiveness does not remove her emotions. She's going to stay when she remembers that she's going to feel hurt, and so this this is natural that many times because we remember and we have the feelings again. It it shows up in our behavior.

What I say when we genuinely choose to forgive.

It's a choice and not a feeling we really choose to forgive then the memory comes back the emotions come back and we go to God and we say Lord you know what I'm remembering you know what I'm feeling again. But I think you made a choice to forgive that now help me to do something good today and you don't allow the memory and the thing is to control your behavior. So I think a better understanding of of apology on his part and a better understanding of forgiveness on her part might really help this couple fine.

A lasting answer so I would suggest again the book when sorry isn't enough.

I think you both would find it helpful is the other thing that I know you agree with me and that is the counselor who sits down with them together or if his wife won't go. The counselor that sits with him and they talk this out. You got that other person who's you know coming into this relationship that he says is going nowhere.

There's bitterness. There's angry at you. They're angry at each other and they both feel hurt and probably not heard that that is probably one of the best ways to untangle the knot that they are in to be able to move toward each other rather than the way. Absolutely Chris that's the whole ministry of counseling is a counselor who listened sympathetically to each of them and then tries to help them understand each other and then make some choices on how they can rectify the situation in a God gave us people who have an empathetic heart and you've had training in helping couples work through just these kind of issues and that many people are reluctant to go for counseling because if there well. Someone else can't Timmy wanted to know, but God can use other people to help you understand yourself and then understand each other and God can give you the power to change patterns that are destructive in your relationship. We had some heavy calls here today on their very first program of the fall for dear Gary, before we conclude let me give you her phone number if you'd like to respond to something that you heard today or ask question about your relationship.

Forgive us some positive feedback about something that happened with you and your spouse are with you, boyfriend or girlfriend 866424 Gary tell us a story or ask a question right there.

86624 Gary featured resource again.

Five love languages.com L.John R. Keeping love alive as memories fade. Find out more. Five love languages.next week how to start conversations between dads and daughters. Don't miss the practical help, Dr. Michelle can family our gas. Thank you today to bring youth programs. The wicked Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman production of many radio and publishing ministry in the Bible and thanks for listening

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