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Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
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October 26, 2019 8:03 am

Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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October 26, 2019 8:03 am

​This weekend, hear Dr. Gary Chapman take your questions about marriage, parenting and the love languages on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Each month he opens the listener line to deal with something going on in your life. You might hear a question and an answer that will guide you closer to someone you love. Don't miss the variety of questions that come from listeners around the country on October's Dear Gary—on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are on "The 5 Love Languages" language and you will will your life emotionally with my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language scale quizzes, with the Gary Chapman we love like we just time to open up online and hear your questions about the love languages your marriage, single life today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman love art. Five love languages another woman in the picture welcome to building Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today. Sorry dear Gary Brian October. Dr. Chapman takes new questions from our list. The questions that come in over the summer months that I am your answered by Dr. Chapman you are a parent you will be encouraged by our featured resources. Five love DIY guide family. We talked about the book the start of the summer. I think a lot of families will benefit as I am excited about this book are used for home improvement process.

You turned down some things remove walls and replace them with other things and that's what were doing this book on the building houses were building families. For example, demolish selfishness and bill kindness. Imagine what would happen if we could just be kind to each other the family. Imagine what would happen in politics. Yes, oh yes, another one is a decrease grumbling and increase gratitude to get the kids away from grumbling and being thankful that they have something to eat.

You know it's fascinating study and I hope it's going to help a lot of couples very practical book on building a healthy family called the DIY guide to building a family that lasts cowritten by Dr. Chapman and Shannon Warden go to five love alright you ready for first question I think so. I started with a husband whose wife doesn't have feelings for him anymore. I want all will will will. I don't want to sympathetic situations like this because this is something's going on for a long time brought the wife to feel like I'm just not interested anymore and I and that the husband really now really wants to work on this. How do we do this. That's one reason why my book one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart and I think of the list would find that book to be very very helpful, but one of the things I would say is this understand how a person can come to have no feelings for me know positive things in the left feelings for her for another person think we have to give a spouse time you been separated for a while now. Time alone doesn't doesn't heal it, but she needs time so don't pressure her and Cardinal preach to her.

She's gotta come to the place where she realizes okay I don't have feelings, but I'm willing to try some things and when I save in the counseling setting a person like that is understand if you don't feel that if you really don't want to work on the marriage. That's why unless people do you want to work on your marriage. What I say is will you work on your marriage. Will you try some things and let's see what happens and typically if they're willing to try some things differently there can be great, but I would suggest to read that book one more try. I want to do when your marriage is falling apart, and get some other practical ideas in there things that you should doing things you should not do during this time that you're separated. I do believe that the marriage can be reborn and I think you want to be kind to her and if you know her love language you will be speaking her love language. During this time as you have an opportunity so that she sees your spirit in your attitude being one of love and genuine care for her that opens the door may open the door for her to begin to get engaged again in the process of healing. It's interesting that he'd use that metaphor because we been talking about the building you do yourself guide to building and he says. She says there's no chance for rebuilding out of this rubble so you say there is hope. But it honestly it does take two people who are open to that, but he can influence her. That's what absolutely cannot change her feelings but he can influence her.

By being positive and not by preaching to or not. By condemning her, not by telling her nephew are good Christian, you would work on this. None of that kind of stuff, but being understanding let her tell you how she got to this place if she's willing to one of the factors that went into bringing her to this place and then listen empathetically to her and say honey I can understand. I can see how if I were in your place, I'd probably feel the way you do and just totally non-condemning and and she sees because I feel that you are understanding her understanding what's going on in her heart and mind yeah and that there's hope. There's always hope.

And obviously praying that God will will help her also work for her own emotions and bring her to a place of openness, one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart is that resource and that's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Here's an interesting call a positive memory that came from a conversation we had a few weeks ago on your children and all I remember years old now.

My father and I doing laundry together on the map.

Every time I do laundry. I remembered pain after and other share that program. I'm always encouraged to realize the different things that stimulate memories in people's lives. I have memories of the knots I've never had a memory of my father and I do laundry together.

I have hello, I have a lot of memories of my father not working in the garden together.

Okay, we had a pretty large garden behind our house and in every afternoon the spring and summer we were out there working in the garden together and that's why a few years ago I planted corn out behind our house and I will still do what we used to do you plan some: it was coming along really great Chris and got yet another week. You still be there and we went on vacation for a week.

I came home and the raccoon you know Michael right right time to they know exactly what building memories with kids doing things with them. It's amazing how those members stay with your lifetime sought to parents are listening would encourage you don't just do everything by yourself. That has to be done in the house. Let's get your kids involved working with you, whether it's laundry or work in the garden or washing dishes or whatever, do it together to build memories for them and also prepare them for the future everybody on the outer wash dishes and do a little cooking resource today is the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life written by Dr. Chapman and Shannon Warden. You can find out more at again. Five love Gary, here's a question that came from a listener about a spiritual mismatch. I read it to you.

A wife writes I've been married for more than 30 years to a man who says that he accepted Christ but is not growing in his faith, we have one son in his mid-20s.

The issue is I'm growing in my faith by leaps and bounds. My husband does not go to church, my son, I go faithfully. My husband seems to be getting more and more grouchy over everything he says he wants to talk but when we do if I say something he doesn't want to hear. He gets mad and shuts down and pouts and gives me the silent treatment for days I feel like God is called me into ministry and that a fire is been lit within my soul but I'm being held back because he's acting like a child. I listened this gets mad when I talk on the phone my friends and says I don't talk with him as much. I talked to my friends mostly about spiritual things because he's not spiritual. I can't talk with them about that he's retired. He does nothing but watch TV and eats cooks then goes with his friends on the weekends to drink beer. I've encouraged him to get a part-time job to have something productive to do. He says now and wanting to do, which I think is one of the issues I'm very glad when he's not at home or goes out of town because all he does when he's there is moan and complain about what I'm not doing there's not enough intimacy, passion that she writes blah blah blah.

Who wants to be intimate with someone so negative.

Not me. His love languages time in touch. But when we spent time together. It's usually watching meaningless TV is want to get go out or do anything, but is usually mad at me about something so that means I want to touch him as much in the touch. He usually likes leads to sex, which I don't want to have as much as he does. He believes more sex will solve all of our issues which of course they will not. This is long but this is very revealing both of him and of her. I think there are a lot of things that that are in here so let me just read will more paragraph he would never go to counseling because of his pride and ego. I know that marriage is ministry. We been limping along but if truth be told if we were in so much debt. I think we would be separated or divorced, I often dream about not being with him or not having them around and how much better our lives would be with that freedom and autonomy.

I believe in marriage, but I have to tell you in this season of my life. I wish I had married and want to tell those thinking about marriage to run the other way.

I don't see it is so much of a blessing being married and miserable life is too short. Any insight you could give would be helpful.

This is no fun for me and my son again Chris I'm very empathetic with one who shared all of this with us and I'm sure that there are listeners today who are feeling exactly what she's feeling because I been through it and maybe in it right now and I understand how you can get to the place where you just feel like would be better without each other if I can only tell me. Should I just pray God will take pretty serious so I'm very empathetic with this. It's very very difficult to live with someone from whom nothing positive is coming into the relationship and have expectations of you, but have no interest in being involved in a meaningful way with you, other than in the sexual relationship and a and six just for the sake of sex is is not what how God intended the sexual part of the marriage to be to be an expression of our deep love for each other and it's a bonding experience is very difficult when emotional needs are not being met. So very empathetic.

Now man. The solution to this would take several counseling sessions to work through this.

First of all this. This writer, this needs to be heard in because she is in a hard place.

The other thing I would say is if he will not go for counseling. I would suggest you go for counseling and now he's going to say when you tell them you're going for counseling.

His ghostly good you need it. Okay, it's all right because you do you need someone who has experience in counseling, marriage counseling can hear you out and understand where you're coming from and how all of this came to be because you're in a place where you're thinking about getting out of there and you will make a decision like that you need somebody you can who can walk with you through this experience and that's where the counselor becomes very very important that they can help you think about where you are. Maybe share some ideas you haven't come up with yet that you might try before you do the experience of tough love which is getting out here because I love you too much to stay here so here's a here's a common problem people in the situation. Often they get to the end of the rope and then out of desperation. They move out and I divorce and the spouse. At that point typically will say good riddance to turn your condemnation of me, all you ever do is just condemn me because I won't do things with you and will talk with you and so for.

Here's one of the approaches that I try to encourage people to take before you make that decision. With the help of a counselor and with the help of God. Try reaching out to him speaking his love language primary and secondary love language as much as you can with a positive spirit for over a period extended period of time usually challenged individuals to trust six months extended period of time because you are speaking.

His language because you are being what he wants you to be for those months.

Now you can say to him I don't how you feel about us, but my perception is you don't care anything about me all you want is your needs to be made.

It and I love you too much to continue in this relationship. I'm not going to abandon you. But I am going to move out. My son and I are going to move out if you ever want to deal with your life and your problems and you go to a counselor and you get some help and when the counselor says to me that he feels like you're ready for marriage counseling.

I'll be happy to marriage counseling with you.

Now he's got something to lose because you have been loving him in a meaningful way to him. He's got something to lose now.

That's the deepest way to influence him to get the help he needs that he may not respond and you can't make people respond, but at least you will feel good about yourself that you made this beyond the normal effort to really love and unlovely spouse and thus have an influence on it. I wrote a book called loving your spouse when you feel like walking away I think you'd find this book to be extremely helpful because there are lots of people in your situation. You just feel like walking away. How do you love a spouse who is unlovely. This is the kind of love God had for us because the Bible says God loved us when we were dirty rotten sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So ask God to give you the ability to love dirty rotten center over extended period of time. See what happens so that's a long-term marriage situation.

Here is another long-term marital struggle, where the wife has some important decisions to make program and thank you for your compost and leave with anything and that my husband and me in there this year, 30 year over the years we've had our differences want to be anymore. We have gone to counselor individually together and another woman in the picture, questioning me any dentist not they agreed that it is all who think you does that way. I'm still hopeful and still preferable did not want to divorce but I know it takes hold on to when another person doesn't love one of the relationship and think they program observation through the years is what husband says I don't want to be in the marriage anymore. Almost always, he is involved with someone else. He's let himself move down the road with someone else and it may be a different stages.

The relationship, but these he's got something he's reaching person is reaching out thereto, and this is very very difficult because you know when he's in an in love state with somebody else. We we all know the euphoria of that and he feels like he's found his soulmate. Now he's going to go off with her. We know what's going to happen he's going come down off that high in two years and he's gonna realize that she also is human in these go find things in her. He doesn't like right now the new relationship, compared to the old no question he's pulling and that in that direction. So I feel for this lady because she can't keep them from doing that.

You see, it takes two people to have a marriage but one person can create a divorce and if he chooses to leave you and to file for divorce. You can keep him from doing that.

We can pray that God would bring something in his life to open his eyes to reality.

But even God doesn't make us do right, and that he didn't like Adam and Eve do right. He gives us freedom. And when people make unwise choices. Other people suffer in the marriage. When a husband or wife makes an unwise decision and says I'm through them out here you know you you hurt the other spouse hurts so not only that, but if their children.

The children her kingdom of God is hurt and everything hurts when we do wrong, but we can't make someone stay in the marriage so I would say well closely with God. Pray that God will continue to work in his life to bring into a different decision and also make sure you have the you develop some friendships in the church with ladies who love you and care for you and and I would say if you're if you're still getting counseling right if you're not, you probably go back to the counselor that you were saying but let them help you walk the other side of this in the light of whatever your husband you are validating her feeling though that there something going on here even though he's denying the 99 not saying you don't believe him, but you've seen this too many times for that nerve that internal thing that she's saying they just something not right. She's on to something. I think she is what I heard her say was, he won't deny anyone the firm he just he's a silent on the question and that's almost always an indication that there is somebody else out there and it'll become evident become evident as time goes on her next question.

Good news about "The 5 Love Languages" and education Gary here's her next caller. I however talked to Callie and online ordering to hear this and say I'm also glad to say we have a curriculum for public schools on "The 5 Love Languages" . It's called discovering "The 5 Love Languages" at school grades one through six and is published by Northville publishing. It's written for public schools. Obviously, Christian schools can use it and I think they'll find this to be very very helpful as I try to implement this in their school. We know that children learn more from a teacher from whom they feel love and so this tool helps the teacher know the love language of every child in the room and shares the concept with them other people in the room have love language as well as their parents. So this curriculum is called discovering "The 5 Love Languages" at school grades one through six. Five love Chris, I can see little blurb on this. This curriculum and you hope people will respond and tell stories about what happens at schools right absolutely absolutely had good reports already and I'm glad to hear that this is so school is again explore that. Now we go to the differences between what a husband and wife need in a marriage. Here's our next question how much land and I let well I need so much more I need a lot more quite that way. I do think that some people are far more needy for love than others and that is that there are those that grew up in homes where they didn't feel as loved as others.

The children did and as adults they do feel the need for love more intently sometimes than other people, but all of us need love and the and the goal is to meet the need for love. So one of the things I encourage couples to do is periodically say one or once every two weeks you say to your spouse on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank and if I say 10 you say wonderful if I say nine or anything less than that you say what can I do that would help fill it and then they give you suggestions and now if you want to express love to them. You know how to do it.

How do the best possible way. So if you enter husband could begin to play that little game. Chances are if he only needs a copies go say to and most of the time you closely three but at least it'll give them something specifically could do to meet your need for level that particular day so that will game.

I think you'll find to be very helpful to her is a sense that I get in. Maybe this wouldn't be his what he would say here, but there's a sense that I only need a cup you need a gallon and so you need to change or my way of experiencing love is is better because I don't need as much as you do. And again, maybe he would not say that, but there that disparity can eat he could give up and just say well you know I'll never I'll never make her feel loved. I can never fill up her love tank, it just got to take too much time. I could do everything in the world.

She's she asked for and it still wouldn't be enough. How do you how you deal with someone who says some like that. I think that's likely what he's feeling Chris is like I can't meet these needs. You're just too needy. Cannot all have time to do this course we don't know what her love languages. She didn't share that with us, but you may well be his feeling and I think this is where a further conversation with between the two of them to see if that is indeed what he's feeling and then and then also part for them to get counseling because maybe she does. Maybe she does need to work through some things from her past that have made her more needy for lover feels like she never quite gets enough I would let it just ride.

I would take some steps to try to find out what's behind his feeling and you're feeling and then let someone help you work through that because you've got what it takes. You know you can have a good marriage.

You just need to work through this so that you do learn how to meet each other's need for love. That's the real positive thing there talking to each other. He's he's gotten it down to his will is what is a word picture that John Trent talks about, you know you're like I'm a cop in your gallon so you got that, and that's such a great word picture to to explain it now just taken one step or another toward each other would be a great idea.

Remember our featured resource today.

Five love is the DIY guide to building a family that lasts just go to five love marital discord because of finances or maybe it's not finance to see what you think.

Here's her next question hi Gary, my wife and I have been married for going on 12 years we have been separated last August 2018. The reason we were separated. One of the guys we were agreeing to buy a home off of her father. We're not living together right now but were seeing each other a lot more than we were down on something. She lives on a property where her father and mother lives. She wants to build a house for us to live in on the property now with the history that her father and I have right feel that he is been very overbearing and called the division between my wife and I I put my foot down and said we can't do that we have to have an independent life from your family and I don't mean that I want to isolate you from your family, but we need to have our own life. I already know I can feel the pressure of even living. I can feel the stress, him scrutinizing our every move. On every dollar spent. I don't feel like that that's like for us but she is pushing against me really hard on this issue. I don't know what to do is really causing her to back up step away from me break the communication we have, because at this point it feels like that divorce is imminent and the reason that he is been so overbearing and so in our lives. Yes, I will we needed financial help over the years and he has been one that has helped a lot and I mean I'm not thankful for that.

I appreciate that, but it come with strings attached. I don't understand why she wants to live that life. I tried so hard to save the marriage. I just don't know what to do and say this is a situation where you really really need to see a Christian counselor, don't.

Don't give up until you have done that because this is a conflict and not an uncommon conflict in long relationships is is a conflict area often in marriages, and that's what this is. You need someone to help each of you hear the other person's perspective on this and find a meeting place and obviously haven't been able to do that on your own so I would say if she's willing you find the killer Christian counselor and see if she's willing to go with you and let them help you walk through this rather than just divorce. I believe you can find an answer to this. It's not a matter of taking sides. It's a matter of discussing the issues, and hearing each other out and then finding a meeting place because if you can't solve this conflict Hegel some other conflicts because there will be other conflicts you ever discover those you would be separated if there were conflicts so we every couple has to learn how to solve conflicts and most of us have had no training in that. So you need to work with the counselor and this is a perfect place for you to do that before you make any rash decisions about divorce, so let me just encourage you to do that you didn't answer the question about the house or the finances or the father you there's a lot that you did went around and I think it's because it's really not about that. I mean your your leave and cleave general you. You need to set an end.

That would be you understand his feeling about that about that that this is not gonna work. But that's not the main issue absolutely be easy for me to say you're exactly right.

And she's exactly wrong, but that's not the way solve conflicts. You've got to learn to hear the other person's perspective where they're coming from what I feel the way they feel, and an obviously they haven't learned how to do that and that's where I think the counselor can help them learn how to do that. So his question. I don't understand why she would want to do this he can find that out on his own but preferably with the counselor who can walk them through that conflict. Gary we had a letter from a wife who said my husband wants to tell the time that leads to sex what you do when your husband want to express love in the way that you want. Here's our next call regarding an all language is in my top two are quality time find it difficult to never find out. I guess my question would be, first of all, Chris has the husband read "The 5 Love Languages" man's addition, if not I would hope someone would put it in his hands and challenge them to read it because the reality is she knows her love languages. He knows his love language which makes me think that I probably each have taken the quiz online, but I question whether or not they've ever read the book.

I would challenge her if if she doesn't think he'll receive the book from her see if one of his friends would give them a copy off and he'll receive it from a friend because I think husband who wants to have a good marriage when they understand the love language concept and how important it is to speak the spouses love language. I mean it's it's a nonsensical thing to to turn away from that, why, why would you not choose to do that, it affects everything and creates a positive climate in the marriage where you can then solve anything else that comes up because you feel secure in each other's love would say just make every effort to let's expose them to the concept how important it is. If you won't read the book then maybe let's get an audio copy of the book. But if you listen to it, but let's expose them to that so that he fully understands the importance of speaking the spouses love language that so many men say to millionaire Gary I don't read books, but I read that book on the love languages. It was absolutely incredible is the best book I've ever read on marriage because it open their eyes to the reality of how important it is to speak the love language of your spouse.

So I that that would be my first approach and if he's done all of that in there and still chooses not to express love and your love language, then I'd like to talk with him because like to say a man why would you will live with the wife who feels unloved.

You know when it's in your power to meet that need. So what love is a choice and we can't make somebody speak.

I love language that is.

I've never heard you answer that way the answer. You know that she her question was how can a person be in love and that will not want to show it and and perhaps it is I do want to show it. I just don't understand how to do that in the way that you hear it, so I hope that's what it is. So will set that up that counseling session up real soon. It's time for a single color Gary up next on our program. Here's her question for Dr. Gary Chapman meeting and the content of your book, maybe I'm wrong.

I also googled it all the time.

I for example happen to be an individual little unitive all of the love languages and the relationships that need I'm aware of all the things that makes Michael not a valuable thing that barely ever get back in return for my question to you have you will you address people pleaser individual to give the languages of love to individuals who don't return it back. How can you repair relationships where there is one individual receiving and not giving you balance the dynamic that and then when you begin, you might have to test on the topic of narcissism and then you might also have to cut on the topic of value. Some people simply don't see value in other people and giftgiving affirmations over that not only how a single going to deal with relationships based on people pleasing giving and not receiving I think you can have a good day. The love questions and that one? This one of them has to do with the individual who does love is learn how to speak the love languages and seeks to do that within all of the relationships but in some of those relationships. There's nothing coming back to them. To me that's where communication becomes important for itself. If it's a close friendship. For example, sharing the love language concept with that friend and saying I don't know if you've noticed how you speak this or that of the other, but discussing with them and getting them to take the quiz so that you can intelligently talk about this part of relationships which is not everything that is an important part of the relationship that is meeting the need for love. So is communication that leads to the other person. Understanding why it's important if you want to have a relationship to learn how to speak each other's language in friendships or whether it's an adult child with their parents. For example, the same principle. The other thing is a person who is super super selfish and their whole world is revolving around themselves, often with the work that she use narcissism. It's very very difficult to get a person like that to understand how important it is to learn to try to hear and see people through their eyes, teaching them empathy is very different difficult it can be done. There can be progress and certain of the Christian faith can transform a person's super selfishness and the opposite of that is love. It's it's focusing on how to enrich the lives of other people, rather than what other people can do for you, but a person like that chances are will not change radically without two things a strong touch by God.

That really transforms their lives and or and with that counseling where they come to recognize the necessity of developing love into others if you're going to have positive relationships over the long haul.

Otherwise you leave a whole string of broken relationships, especially what happens. It sounds like to me there's a there's a level of pain in the middle of the question of her own experience and she's trying to bridge the gap between what what she desires and what she's experienced and that's that's a really hard place to be if if I'm right about you and it may well be that she's got the concept she sees herself as a loving person, but so many people are not reciprocating.

Her love and that could well be where she's coming from, individually and asking the quick go so many people like that.

Yeah there are many married people like that were one of them reads the book they get the picture they try to explain it to the spouse with the spouses really get it, you know, and so consequently feel frustrated and single adults can have the same frustrating experience with the individuals within basic to build a friendship we have enough time for one more question. It is very complicated, but at the same time simple. Gary what you over five your language language and understand that long but when the older person leave the state that the same is married and the spouses left the state and well he knows the love language you speak it when they're not there and obviously it's much more difficult when you don't have that face-to-face contact. I did write a book for military couples in which I give ideas on how to speak all of "The 5 Love Languages" while you are deployed obvious to the situation is different. She's left the state, assuming because she doesn't with them I could be wrong about that.

Maybe she just got a job somewhere else, but that that book though you're not a military person.

Apparently that book could be helpful to you because I give practical ideas on how to express the love language long-distance for example physical touch. You would think would be impossible to speak when you're separated geographically, but that one spouse said to me Dr. Chapman. I knew my husband's love language was physical touch.

So while he was deployed. I put my hand on the sheet of paper. I traced my hand and I mailed it to him with a note that said, put your hand on my hand. I want to hold your hand when he came back he said to me, Gary. Every time I put my hand on that paper filter is not literal touch, but it's emotional touch and that's what were talking about so that book the military addition of the five leveling will give you practical ideas on all five of the leveling and how to express them when you're geographically separated and you can find that information@ along with a featured resource for today's program. The DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life again. Five love and we love to hear your feedback or questioning might have to Dr. Chapman was 186-6424 Gary leave a message there and you might hear an answer in the future. Gary 186642427 and next week will find out the power of hospitality, a important conversation with the holidays. Thank you to Todd.

Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman ministry at Moody Bible and thanks for listening

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