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Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
February 29, 2020 7:03 am

Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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February 29, 2020 7:03 am

​You've heard that when you get to the end of your rope you need to a tie a knot and hang on, right? Well, if that's you, here's a better idea. Tune in to the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. On our February edition of "Dear Gary," you'll hear answers to some deep marriage and family struggles, and words of hope from the author of the NY Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Don't miss the questions and answers on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are Thing on "The 5 Love Languages" language and the needs of the EULA of the significant people in your life is emotionally my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language scale quizzes, with Lee Gary Chapman we love like which is we have one final program for February and today your calls on a special year addition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman what your data for my daughter how I feel. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman on the New York Times bestseller, the five day period broadcast for the month of February as Dr. Chapman takes questions about a variety override is right and there are number year addition, the program. I look this up in the history of our time together Saturday until today. Last February 5 Saturdays was in 1992 think that was the year that "The 5 Love Languages" through Chris absolutely like to third written two books before course are still spending most of the way got his book around the world to help couples learn how to effectively love each other very, very encouraging. So that was the last of February with five Saturdays there will not be another one until 2048 and I figured it out.

I'll be 87. Andrea will be in her early 90s will be 110. So we'll see what I so excited about our featured resource today. It's written by you and Ron deal we talk about this couple weeks ago. Building love together and blended families. "The 5 Love Languages" and becoming stepfamily smart talk about the impact that this book could have on blended families. Chris I am so encouraged with this book so many couples through the years of said Gary you gotta tell us how the love languages works in a blended family because it's different in their right. But you know there's a difference between biological relationships and then relationships in stepfamily and even if you know that child's love language readers your stepson your stepdaughter you try to speak it may push you away because I don't yet but you are like you, but I don't know if it's going to be a threat to their biological parents if they identify with you love them so anyway this book of things can be a really really wonderful to help blended families have a better blend okay and learn how to use the love languages effectively beginning to find that resource of the website.

Five love building love together and blended families.

Five love languages and becoming stepfamily smart five love now you might be asking this dear Gary program. How do I get my question answered. I want to call well simple. Just dial us at 186-6424 Gary you won't hear your answer today, but maybe on a future program just leave your message. Make it as brief as possible. Turned on the radio in the background. Tell your dog not to bark, call 186-6424. Gary, our first question today. Gary simple, it's good, it's profound you go hi Gary, did mom from Florida your city on at what year it except I love your book look amazing. And when you get.We thank you so much and have a good to me life's key sacred isn't having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to change my life as a single change my life as a married struggling in my marriage.

People sometimes asked me not only about myself but how to explain the success of "The 5 Love Languages" . The book which is sold over 13 million copies now been translated and 50 over 50 languages around the world and my answer is the short answer to that question is God in the long answer is God.

So I know God's chosen to use that book to help so many couples learn how to love each other effectively. You know there's a verse in John chapter 15 in verse five were Jesus said I'm divine, you're the branch you stay connected to me, you bear fruit without me you can do nothing. I learned that early on in my life without him I can do nothing really worthwhile. So yeah, the key to success is a personal relationship with Christ. We do that he bears fruit through our lives.

Do you see yourself and have you always seen yourself as a success, and how do you measure that because my guess is early on it was different than now in your life right Chris, I don't think in terms of the word success. I just don't.

I just think in terms of trying to do what God wants me to do. It's God who opens doors and closes doors is God who gives opportunities is God who enables us to do whatever it is we do. I don't know what the definition of success is other than taking what God is given you in his power using it to enrich the lives of others and to promote the kingdom of God, and you can do it in any location any Christian can do that because it's not us. It's him, but we have to yield to him would be available to him and let him work through our lives. So in one sense it's the the ability to allow God access to every part of your life in in you and through you right that social shelters are central to make every single day.

Everyone of us. We choose to live our lives this putting God on the back burner.

We choose to live our lives every day reaching out to him asking him for guidance reading the Scriptures to hear the principles and truths about which he wants us to live and then asking him for the power and ability to do it. So yeah it's it's a daily thing.

A daily walk with God that allows us to accomplish his purposes in our lives and that is success in accomplishing the purposes God has for you as an individual, that's a great question. I'm glad that you called. Thank you for that you may been expecting to hear something else you know you gotta go to this school. Gotta do that thing. But that's the bedrock of what Dr. Gary Chapman's life is been based on. So, great question to start out.

Now let's go to the next when you're listening to Billy relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman websites five love technologies wonderful, absolutely until it isn't until it causes problems in the relationship. Over 30 years and recently technology GPS tracking part on my 360 at that family thing and when I excitedly told him about that and how fun it was to eradicate torrent how it makes them fairly firing on them. You know checking but just knowing Eric's call on one sentiment in relation to know you going to read book with his reading buddy during lunch want to leach anyway but I couldn't have been about that.

I would like I said very excited and he went.

He refuses to join and then going on about a year and becoming real sticking point for me. I bring up a lot.

I keep asking him to join.

He angrily refuses getting to a frightening point with her marriage and I would love to know if this could be something that I worry about or go. I did tell them that if I'd known he would see something like that. I probably wouldn't married and I didn't distract him before and now I'm wondering why he joined what is going to be doing that concerned that I would be seeing you saved our marriage many times or 30 years.I'm hoping I can get thank you, that's a very extinct call Chris. I don't like we said once that nature of that specific thing I think I would first of all try to help this caller assess why is this valuable to her.

It is something that has never been available before you know when I was growing up. You couldn't do that at our kids were little, there's no possibility of doing that. What is it, what does that add to her relationship with them to be able to GPS.

See where they are and then what's the downside to that phone talking to him. I like to know what do you see this as being a negative thing.

What's the negative sides to this from your perspective. If it is, as she alluded that the EN that she thinks that with this she's home keep up with him every step he takes and he's doing things were he doesn't want her to know where he's going. Obviously that's a different issue. If that is the issue then they desperately need marriage counseling stress, he should not be doing things. It's going places that he does not want her to know where he is and what he's doing in marriage is an open book that is a healthy marriage is an open book to each other. You share life with each other something. What is behind both her strong desire to have this access and use this access" on his are the reasons why he doesn't want that once you got that it's it's like a conflict of any other nature. Each year, the other out what their perspective is and why the while they see it that way and then you make a decision and there's three ways to solve a conflict one she can go to his side and say okay I'm going to give it up to go to her side and say okay I'm going to let you do that and I'll join you. Another way is I'll meet you in the middle which means you look for something between those two extremes that you can meet in the middle. All not only exactly what that would be in the situation that is he might allow her to do that but she might agree not to force him to join her in that that would gotta be a middle solution and the other is called it. I'll meet you later. And that's where they are right now, which means we haven't solved this yet, but we need to solve this, so let's not argue with each other for a day or so and then let's honestly sit down and listen to each other try to get each other's on his perspective and then see if we can make a decision if solving conflicts. We never get there by arguing never get there by putting the other person down.

We do get there. When we listen empathetically to what the other person is saying. Try to see their perspective and then say okay we understand each other, how can we solve the problem solving conflicts is a necessary part of having a good marriage. Teacher resource today is building love together and blended families. "The 5 Love Languages" and becoming stepfamily smart you find out more the website. Five love five love quickly. Gary wouldn't have time of the first segment want to follow up with the wife who says her husband won't sign up for this thing where you track everybody in the family and it it sounded to me like it was her.

She assumes that there stuff that he's doing that he doesn't want her to know about couldn't be that maybe he just has a problem with overreach of technology and the government and everything and you know once you sign up for one thing it did. You never know who's going to be looking into it. Maybe it's he is having an affair. Leo Sisco, their baby is, but maybe it's something else that's going on in his life that would explain why he has a real strong reaction that's, what you're saying right. Absolutely Chris that's why it's so important to listen to the other person's perspective rather than just assuming you know why they are against this and they do not want you to do that if I don't want to do that you have to listen to the other person and they will share if I think you honestly want to hear their perspective. Now if you're listening only long enough to tell them how wrong they are. You know then will be reluctant to share their thoughts and their ideas as to why they feel bad but we have to give the other person the benefit of being heard and then you're far more likely under. First of all to understand each other and understand each other's perspective. Even though you disagree, and then look for an answer. The both of you can agree on, Chris. The biggest problem with conflicts is that both of us are convinced that our side is the right side and so we argue, we try to convince the other person there wrong rather than trying to understand the other person's perspective and then allow the person to think differently from you and feel differently from you. It's always truly we don't think the same way. We don't feel the same way. Give them the freedom to be human. And then look for a solution that strikes me that this struggle might leave their marriage to a different level.

The other been married for 30 years and she said if I don't on this. I've never married. Maybe. Maybe this could take you to a different level of understanding of each other and some truth will come out that you have to deal with that will take you there. At least that's what we hope, thanks a lot for listing today to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman hears her next question. A caller who enjoys our weekly get together here on Moody radio remote love listening to on Saturday. The highlight of my rest and relaxation night my lunch anyway. I don't know what your opinion is I have my ideas about 53 never been married, single, my entire life never had a really long term relationship since I was 21 and I don't know what your opinion is that someone in my situation. It's hard and updating life that nature and at the very broad question, but I just let her know your insights about that.

Thank you. Well think what I would say to the caller is all of us need friendships, we were not designed to live in isolation in a God said of Adam.

It's not good for him to be alone and by nature doesn't mean that everybody has to be married, but it does mean that we need friendships so I would say to this caller. Apparently he's doing fairly well. He seems to be enjoying life and seems to be doing well, but I would suggest that if he doesn't already have a close friends and they could be male or female friends with whom he interfaces. And this happens at least it happens in a healthy way. If it's done with people at church and most churches have small groups for singles of different ages and to develop friendships in that context and do things together both with males and females and that in the small group context like that can add significantly to not only life's meaning for the individual but also to the opportunity to help other people because it's in those settings that you often discover needs that are there and not just financial needs, but but needs for information or needs for the help you have an opportunity to invest in the lives of other people and I believe that life's deepest satisfaction is found in developing your life, your abilities into helping other people come to know God and come to walk with God so that would be my advice. I certainly wouldn't say it that your age, you should not get married, you still might meet someone and likely you'll meet them in that context, and the two of you would see God leading you to marriage, but if not, your life certainly will be enriched and you will enrich the lives of others. If you develop friendships. I love it that he said he eats lunch and listens on Saturday and I can I can see a picture of him in my mind to sit there today and eaten, eating lunch, and I hope you enjoy the program today and that you benefited from what Dr. Chapman just said this is our dear Gary broadcast every spot every month at the end of the month we take listener comments, questions, 866424 Gary is the number you can call Scott or mom who wants to speak affirmation into the life of her daughter how you help your middle school are words of affirmation that there are no middle school because they're not always in middle school and mitochondrial daughter is having a tough time. Besides just wondering if you had any advice on how you bag your children through those tough years but their love language words of affirmation. Well, this mother is correct when she says kids are not always kind of each other and often in today's world, kids do say things not only face-to-face, though they do some of that but they do more of that online make comments about another person that are negative and that this can be devastating to middle school are especially one whose love languages words of affirmation, so I think go first thing I would suggest is that the mother encourage the daughter to share with her when she does receive messages like that to say honey, if someone gives you a negative word online or face-to-face what you share them with me and let me give you my perspective on what the what they said it's just keeping the lines of communication open. Because rather than holding those comments inside her heart in her mind and not sharing them with you. It's more like to lead her to depression and withdrawal. But if she knows she can share everything with you and your you're not going to condemn her for sharing those things you're going to hear her listen to her and then you will give her your perspective on whatever the subject was that they addressed other than that, then I think just looking for ways that you can affirm her for the way she looks for something she did, just for the simple fact that you love her, tell her often that you love her, affirm her with the gifts that God is given her.

Whatever those might be.

Whatever her interests are with his music or dance or sports or reading or whatever she is interested in you affirm her in that and you join her in that to me that that's the way you help middle school are work through the negative messages they might receive from other people hear them with her.

You let her know your perspective about that and then you look for ways to affirm her verbally those words.

A lot of times are isolating for a young person you know and and you don't want to share with your parents because then they're going to feel bad and see just keep to yourself and your sent this just kind of opens up the channel so that she doesn't feel so alone with that let me stick with the love language, concepts, and then switch this from middle school to a little older and see if you can answer this question from our next caller were any. But you are being being very very very very little you say first of all that understanding a person's love language or understanding your own love language will help you understand why you get angry at certain things.

For example, if words of affirmation is your love language and people give you negative or critical words, it will stimulate angry emotions inside of you because we feel angry when we sense that someone is treating us unfairly or unkindly, and so negative words will stimulate the emotions of anger and that person now. If the other part of the question is do we express our anger in keeping with our love language. I really have never thought about that to be very honest with you I'm thinking out loud with you as I answer this. Perhaps that person for whom words of affirmation is their love language in their anger may well express their anger in words of affirmation, a person of physical touch may express their anger by throwing things are hitting people or pushing people quality time people may express their anger by withdrawing from that person having nothing to do with that person. Okay so I'm just thinking out loud here at the park that is a possibility that that would be true that the way we express our anger may be in keeping with our love language, but I certainly believe that what I said earlier, is true that we tend to experience the emotions of anger when someone uses our love language in a negative way they were going to feel anger toward that person. Obviously, all of us have to learn how to handle anger in a positive way. I wrote a book once call anger taming a powerful emotion.

Most people need help and how to handle anger in a positive way. It strikes me that this caller is doing the same thing that you suggested to the wife who called about the husband who you didn't want to sign up for the technology thing that that he is trying to go but go below the surface and to understand and to probe here and ask good questions and then listen rather than just assuming she's so angry all the time. You know he's doing some hard work is yeah and I think that's good Chris because in a family relationship or a friendship.

If we find individuals who are angry, we need to know why you know what is it that I do something to someone else do something. What stimulate the anger and if we think about it and somebody ask us, then we can pretty well delineate why we got angry and it gives insight to ourselves under's we understand ourselves better and the other person understands this better and then obviously the latter thing. I was emphasizing is all of us need to learn how to control our anger and not let anger control us like to ask a question Dr. Chapman call our toll-free number 186-6424 Gary 866424 Gary and leave a message for the future. Dear Gary broadcast now. Speaking of blended families is a next caller I want a lot of provider. I don't know what I want without telling let language I waited while here ill. I want my marriage I don't know I don't not all well and very scholar Chris think anyone who has no marital struggles can identify with what she's saying she wants so desperately to have a loving affirming relationship and yet she does, she's not receiving that I'm really glad that she is reading books.

I'm really glad that she's going for counseling. Both of those are positive things, and I understand that she wants to tell him you know what he needs to do to meet her needs.

Even though she's not quite sure what those are.

She said she verbalized me say this here is a biblical principle. Love stimulates love, that is, the Bible says we love God because God first loved us. Well, what if we apply that principle in a marriage relationship so that rather than asking for love, are demanding love. What if we chose to love unconditionally. The other person and especially if we chose to speak their love language unconditionally. I'm assuming that you know what your husband's love language is so what if you concentrated on speaking his love language not asking him how to love you but speaking his love language and then what if, after a few weeks of this, you said to him you know I really am working on being a better wife.

I think I hope maybe you seen that in the last few weeks, but I will ask you how can I be a better wife. How could I meet your needs. What can I do that would help you.

That would enrich your life and because he has seen a difference in your behavior over the last few weeks, he will likely give you an idea or two of what would make his life better enrich his life and then after you begin to respond to that for 23 weeks or two. Three months then you make a request of him and because he's been sensing your love and your desire to be a better wife. He's far more likely to respond to you again the principle is love stimulates love so unconditional love and the right love language over a period of time and asking how you can be a better spouse creates an atmosphere in which he's far more likely to be open to your request of him down the road so that would be my advice give that a try. Obviously, that doesn't mean that he will necessarily respond because let's face it, some people spit in God's face and God loves them every day, so it's not a way of manipulating him.

It's just a pattern of life which are asking God to let you be his instrument in loving your husband and becoming the best possible wife. You could become to him and and see what God does with it. We can't change our spouse, but we can influence our spouse and love in the right language is the most powerful influence you can have on another person and for the person who's reaching for their phone or saying you're telling people to stay in abusive marriages. Your challenge people to just take the abuse. That's not what you say. That is not what I'm saying Chris her situation is not an abusive relationship and Lisa doesn't appear to be in abusive relationship she sends tends to be neglected, but she doesn't state tend to be getting verbal or physical abuse that we don't do stay in a very verbally abusive situation in those situations are attitude is I love you too much to sit here and do nothing to sit here and let you hurt me and harm her children.

Therefore, I'm going to and you decide what you're going to do it. That's tough love.

But Chris, here's what I found.

Tough love is far more effective if it is been preceded by tender love over a period of time because if there is no change in the other person then for you to say I don't how you feel about us but I feel like for the last six months I have really really tried to be a good wife or good husband and it seems to me that you really don't care.

I not only in going for counseling. I'm going to ask you to go with me but if you're not willing to do that then. And you don't care about her marriage. Then I'm going to move in with my mother for a while. That's tough love because you have been loving them unconditionally for 36 months before that there far more likely to wake up and say to themselves, to think about or do something here but that's what happens most of the time. Most the time were critical of them for six months or two years. We critical critical critical and then we say you know I'm gonna move out and I say good riddance.

I'm tired of your bickering anyway. Tough love is always more effective if it comes on the heels of tender love over a period of time featured resource today is building love together in blended families we have at length@ just a note to parents who may be listing our next call deals with the sexual relationship in marriage, so be aware of that as we hear the struggle of this gentleman, Gary ever felt with all equipment that dealt with erectile function policy when it comes to my cave.

You know, like you, not by myself but is it possible that I cannot get an erection and the fact that there might be a lack all of that, you know language that my wife is not speaking to me in my love language.

Veronique wondered if you have dealt with that kind cave, 10 men really get note to invite work by Pat that you know it like to start meeting those goals love languages you know ICH ever check at the Republican whatever, but my question not think I think this topic erectile dysfunction.

Two things are important. One is to determine is this a physical problem and if so then you seek medical help or is it an emotional problem and it seems what you're describing is probably an emotional problem and in that case, then we want to work on the relationship because that's the answer and if the problem is an emotional problem where you don't feel loved by the spouse and therefore you're not stimulated by them in a sexual manner, then we need to really work on the relationship and I would say this is where counseling can be extremely helpful to both of you because it lets each of you began to look at yourselves and see how you been responding to each other and how it's affecting the relationship. Yes, understanding each other's love language choosing to speak it on a regular basis is one of the biggest aspects of meeting that emotional need for love which all of us have in a marriage. You certainly want to feel that your spouse loves you and speaking their language in their speak in your language is the most effective way to meet that deep emotional need and then that has a positive effect on the sexual part of the relationship, wondered if the caller and his wife have had that conversation or if having that conversation is too hard for him to even bring up that you did that that the wife will feel bad about one thing or another you having just being able to talk about that, even though it's a struggle is a good step. Don't you think absolutely Chris we don't make much progress in a relationship without open communication. If it's something that only one of us is struggling with the other doesn't know and there's nothing I can do about it. And so we just live in our silence and live with our struggles.

Communication is to a marriage what oxygen is to the body can't survive long-term without open communication with each other will. Here's another single caller for Dr. Gary Chapman. He has a dating question hi Gary, so I have a couple questions.

I wanted to ask but I want to know how to go about combating lust in a relationship with you to experience the same. I wonder now what strategies should be used in a relationship, but find it thank you like the course we don't have a lot of information on what the caller has in mind in terms of what he or others may be experiencing in a dating relationship.

That's when I hear him saying we have normal natural sexual attractions for other people and how we handle those is extremely important in the Bible give some pretty clear guidelines in terms of what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in a dating relationship in terms of our sexuality.

I think open discussion again on a dating relationship is extremely important. Each of us sharing what we feel should be the guidelines in quote how far we go in this part of our relationship. The Bible is very clear that maleness and femaleness. Our sexuality is good. God made us male and female. There's nothing wrong with the whole reality that we are sexual beings and related each other sexually. As a part of life. But God has guidelines for that. For example sexual intercourse. The Bible is very clear his reserve for marriage not out of marriage.

So if we share our guidelines and hopefully those guidelines are the same as scriptural guidelines.

Then we ask God to help us enter the Scripture say that God will not allow us to be tempted above what were able to bear here but will with the temptation also make a way of escape. What we do, I think, is ask God to show us the way of escape.

How do I turn away from the temptation to lust and again the caller doesn't give us information in terms of where he struggling with this. With less. What kind of lusty struggling with, but God always has a way of showing us around that we can turn away from temptation.

We don't have to yield to temptation. With the help of God, we can overcome temptation and that of course is Argo. One of the practical things is to not be isolated not be alone a lot in the dating unit dating with other people were dating and groups are being more in public, then going back to the keynote to the apartment of the room alone because that's where you can get into quote unquote trouble more often with the lustful thoughts and actions. Right I think so, Chris, and that's where we have to have boundaries and together in a dating relationship. We can decide on what those boundaries are going to be because we don't want to do something that's gonna harm our long-term relationship. We want to do things in the dating relationship that's going to enhance our relationship if indeed it leads to marriage. There were to be able to look back and be glad that we follow God's pattern in terms of our dating relationship will our final call today is kind of a story that our listener tells it such a great glowing story.

Great way to end the program with today. Listen to this hopeful comment looking at class shares looking at glasses and when I see which of the several pairs.

She picked out. I like that and and guilt around helping us a very trying. She is probably all of 28 years old said now had two marriages and two children and she said I can only hope marriage echinacea learners to just glow that was the best Christmas gift.

Someone could have given me the gift opened my eyes to how much work that has done because we are so very, very different in our personalities never done the multicurrency and BTI or I hear something. We are so completely I just thank God and to praise him for the work that he can in our lives and the love that he's given us for such different such a different person when I hope to people thank you very much. It's encouraging to hear that you know I wish I wish every couple could have the pleasure of having someone else observe their relationship and seeing in them something they would like to have for themselves.

You can be through list. Let's face it, there's a whole lot of people out there that have been married more than once in their struggle through the years and I see a couple that's enjoying life with each other and encouraging each other and helping each other and ice deep inside. They long to have that kind of relationship and it's encouraging if they verbalize it, it's encouraging to the couple that they have observed. The reality is Chris we can have a loving, supportive, caring relationship.

I think it all starts with our relationship with God. When we respond to his love we let him come into our lives, we make him our Lord as well as our Savior and we ask him to teach us how to be his representative and loving other people. Whether were single or whether were married. Lord, I want to be an agent of love I want I want your love to flow through me, and when that happens in a marriage and you get it going both ways. Then you're going to have the kind of marriage God intended you to have, and others will recognize it and they may even ask you, how do you do that you have a chance to tell them well in her first of all for us. It's our relationship with God that gives us a sincere desire to serve each other to love each other and that's the heart of it, and then the practical part we did.

We work out as we move alone, but it all starts with a change of heart, so you know I believe that God can use marriage our marriage. If it's healthy to open up conversation with people who may not know Christ and that may not know the power of turning your life over to him. Our marriage should be used as a testimony to the grace of God. And when it's when it does it does affect other people. I love that when she told the story about he's been at glasses if we hit the rewind button on their lives. You know, years ago, she might've said not want to see that earth or or there may been a difference in the way they responded but now they've grown together the little things in life have brought them together rather than seeing them as nuisances or whatever you talked about that a lot and God can change even those little things that rub you the wrong way right now to make them endearing to you and your spouse absolutely and she said we were very very different process that her personalities are very very different and most of the time we are different. They'll say opposites attract. And so you get married and we realize that these opposites are not only attracting there also irritating, but we work through those things and we come to thank God that were not the same.

You know that we are different and so we we accentuate the positive things about we come to accept those things that either cannot or choose not to change, and that we enjoy hurting each other and helping rather than only that number where you can leave a message or question for Dr. Chapman for future dear Gary broadcast a number 186-6424 Gary you don't forget to check out our featured resource building love together blended families.

"The 5 Love Languages" becoming step smart by Dr. Chapman on the find out more.

Five love languages next week. I dare you to listen double dog dare you to take Jesus coming up in one week.

Thank you to our team and Janice time Building Relationships with Gary Chapman's production and radio publishing ministry of many Bible and thanks for listening

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