Dear Gary

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" . We've been talking with Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the mega successful book, "The 5 Love Languages" . The need to feel loved by the significant people in your life is the deepest emotional need we have. My boyfriend and I read it together and we quickly realized like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale because we took the quizzes. I'm on with the Gary Chapman.

I mean love languages and I'm right here in the middle of it. I don't believe this. Words of affirmation. We have one final program for February and today your calls on a special leap year edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Just wanted to ask what are your secrets to success?

We got a GPS tracking system for our kids. My 12 year old daughter is kind of having a tough time. How someone should go about combating lust?

I just feel desperate. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's a Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February as Dr. Chapman takes questions from listeners about a variety of topics. Oh, variety is right. And there are a number of men who have called on this leap year edition of the program.

Gary, I looked this up. In the history of our time together here there has never been a February of five Saturdays until today. The last February of five Saturdays was in 1992. I think that was the year that "The 5 Love Languages" was released.

That is true, Chris. Absolutely. 1992. It was my third book. I had written two books before that but The Love Languages was my third book. And of course, I still stand amazed at the way God has used that book around the world to help couples learn how to effectively love each other.

It's been very, very encouraging. So that was the last February with five Saturdays. There will not be another one until 2048.

And I figured it out. I'll be 87. Andrea will be in her early 90s. You'll be 110 that year. I think I'll be in heaven, Chris. I know. You're still going to be doing married seminars. You've got the energy.

Oh, we'll see. Well, I am so excited about our featured resource today. It's written by you and Ron Deal.

We talked about this a couple of weeks ago. Building Love Together in Blended Families, "The 5 Love Languages" and Becoming Step-Family Smart. Talk about the impact that this book could have on blended families.

You know, Chris, I am so encouraged with this book. So many couples through the years have said, Gary, you've got to tell us how the love languages works in a blended family because it's different. And they're right. You know, there's a difference between biological relationships and then relationships in a step-family. And even if you know that child's love language, which is your stepson or your stepdaughter, you try to speak it. And they may push you away because they don't know you yet. They don't know who you are.

They don't know if they like you. And they don't know if it's going to be a threat to their biological parent if they identify with you and let you love them. So anyway, this book, I think, is going to be a really, really wonderful tool to help blended families have a better blend. OK. And learn how to use the love languages effectively.

Yeah. Again, you can find that resource at the Web site, FiveLoveLanguages.com, Building Love Together in Blended Families. "The 5 Love Languages" and Becoming Step-Family Smart.

Go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. Now you might be asking this Dear Gary program, how do I get my question answered? I want to call. Well, it's simple. You just dial us at 1-866-424-GARY. You won't hear your answer today, but maybe on a future program. Just leave your message.

Make it as brief as possible. Turn down the radio in the background. Tell your dog not to bark. Call 1-866-424-GARY. Our first question today, Gary. It's simple. It's good. It's profound. Here we go. Hi, Gary.

This is Mohammed from Florida, currently live in New York City. Just wanted to ask what are your secrets to success? I love your book. It was amazing. And "The 5 Love Languages" and just wanted your thoughts of what you thought were your success.

Thank you so much and have a good day. To me, life's key secret is in having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It changed my life as a single. It changed my life as a married, struggling in my marriage. People sometimes ask me not only about myself, but how do I explain the success of "The 5 Love Languages" , the book, which has sold over 13 million copies now.

It's been translated in over 50 languages around the world. And my answer is the short answer to that question is God. And the long answer is God.

That's all I know. God has chosen to use that book to help so many couples learn how to love each other effectively. You know, there's a verse in John chapter 15 and verse 5 where Jesus said, I'm the vine. You're the branch. You stay connected to me, you'll bear fruit. Without me, you can do nothing. I learned that early on in my life that without Him, I can do nothing really worthwhile. So, yeah, the key to success is a personal relationship with Christ.

We do that. He bears fruit through our lives. Do you see yourself and have you always seen yourself as a success?

And how do you measure that? Because my guess is early on it was different than now in your life, right? You know, Chris, I don't think in terms of the word success.

I just don't. I just think in terms of trying to do what God wants me to do. It's God who opens doors and closes doors. It's God who gives opportunities. It's God who enables us to do whatever it is we do.

I don't know what the definition of success is other than taking what God has given you and in His power using it to enrich the lives of others and to promote the kingdom of God. And you can do that in any vocation. Any Christian can do that because it's not us.

It's Him. But we have to yield to Him and be available to Him and let Him work through our lives. So in one sense, it's the ability to allow God access to every part of your life in you and through you, right? And that's a choice, yeah.

Of course, that's a choice we make every single day, every one of us. We choose to live our lives just putting God on the back burner, or we choose to live our lives every day, reaching out to Him, asking Him for guidance, reading the Scriptures to hear principles and truths by which He wants us to live, and then asking Him for the power and ability to do it. So yeah, it's a daily thing, a daily walk with God that allows us to accomplish His purposes in our lives. And that is success. It's accomplishing the purposes God has for you as an individual.

Muhammad, that's a great question. I'm glad that you called. Thank you for that.

You may have been expecting to hear something else. You know, you've got to go to this school, you've got to do that thing. But that's the bedrock of what Dr. Gary Chapman's life has been based on. So great question to start out. Now let's go to the next one. You're listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Websites fivelovelanguages.com. Technology is wonderful, absolutely, until it isn't, until it causes problems in the relationship. Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. And just recently, because of technology, we got a GPS tracking system for our kids.

But it's called Life360. It's a family thing. And when I excitedly told him about this and how fun it was to be able to see where the kids are and just how it makes me feel closer to them, not necessarily just spying on them or, you know, checking, but just knowing, you know, they're at school. Oh, look there.

One son was in St. Louis and saying, oh, he's going to read his book for his, with his reading buddy that he does during lunch once a week. So anyway, when I told my husband about this, I was, like I said, very excited and he was very offended. He refuses to join. And this has been going on about a year and it's becoming a real sticking point for me. We I bring it up a lot. I keep asking him to join. He angrily refuses. It's getting to a frightening point with our marriage.

And I would love to know if this could be something that I do worry about or is it something I need to just let go? I did tell him that if I had known he would refuse something like this, I probably wouldn't have married him because I didn't distrust him before. And now I'm wondering why won't he join? Where is he going?

What is he doing that he is concerned that I would be seeing? You've saved our marriage many times over these 30 years, so I'm hoping I can get some guidance. Thank you. Bye. Well, that's a very interesting call, Chris. I don't think we've had one of that nature. Of that specific thing.

I think I would, first of all, try to help this caller assess why is this valuable to her? I mean, it is something that has never been available before. And when I was growing up, you couldn't do that. And when our kids were little, there's no possibility of doing that.

What is it? What does that add to her relationship with them to be able to, by GPS, see where they are? And then what's the downside to that? If I were talking to him, I'd like to know, why do you see this as being a negative thing?

What's the negative sides to this from your perspective? Now, if it is, as she alluded at the end, that she thinks that with this, she's going to keep up with him every step he takes, and he's doing things where he doesn't want her to know where he's going, obviously that's a different issue. If that is the issue, then they desperately need marriage counseling, because he should not be doing things and going places that he does not want her to know where he is and what he's doing. Marriage is an open book. That is, a healthy marriage is an open book to each other.

You share life with each other. So I think, what is behind both her strong desire to have this access and to use this access, and what on his side are the reasons why he doesn't want that? Once you've got that, it's like a conflict of any other nature. You each hear the other out on what their perspective is and why they see it that way, and then you make a decision, and there's three ways to solve a conflict. One, she can go to his side and say, okay, I'm just going to give it up. He can go to her side and say, okay, I'm going to let you do that, and I'll join you. Another way is, I'll meet you in the middle, which means you look for something between those two extremes that you can meet in the middle on, not on exactly what that would be in this situation. That is, he might allow her to do that, but she might agree not to force him to join her in that.

That would kind of be a middle solution. And the other is, I call it, I'll meet you later, and that's where they are right now, which means we haven't solved this yet, but we need to solve this. Let's not argue with each other for a day or so, and then let's honestly sit down and listen to each other, try to get each other's honest perspective, and then see if we can make a decision. Solving conflicts, we never get there by arguing, never get there by putting the other person down. We do get there when we listen empathetically to what the other person is saying. Try to see their perspective, and then say, okay, we understand each other, how can we solve the problem?

Solving conflicts is a necessary part of having a good marriage. It sounded to me like it was her, she assumes that there's stuff that he's doing that he doesn't want her to know about. Couldn't it be that maybe he just has a problem with overreach of technology and the governments and everything, and once you sign up for one thing, you never know who's going to be looking. Maybe he is having an affair, let's just go there, maybe he is.

But maybe it's something else that's going on in his life that would explain why he has a real strong reaction. That's kind of what you were saying, right? Yeah, absolutely, Chris, and that's why it's so important to listen to the other person's perspective, rather than just assuming that you know why they are against this, and they do not want you to do that, or they don't want to do that. You have to listen to the other person, and they will share if they think that you honestly want to hear their perspective. Now, if you're listening only long enough to tell them how wrong they are, then they're going to be reluctant to share their thoughts and their ideas as to why they feel that. But we have to give the other person the benefit of being heard, and then you're far more likely, first of all, to understand each other and understand each other's perspective, even though you disagree, and then look for an answer that both of you can agree on. Chris, the biggest problem with conflicts is that both of us are convinced that our side is the right side. And so we argue, we try to convince the other person they're wrong, rather than trying to understand the other person's perspective. And then allow the person to think differently from you and feel differently from you. It's always true, we don't think the same way, we don't feel the same way.

Give them the freedom to be human, and then look for a solution. You know, it strikes me that this struggle might lead their marriage to a different level. You know, they've been married for 30 years, and she said, if I'd have known this, I'd never married him. Maybe this could take you to a different level of understanding of each other, and some truth will come out that you have to deal with that'll take you there.

At least that's what we hope. Thanks a lot for listening today to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Here's our next question, a caller who enjoys our weekly get-together here on Moody Radio.

Thank you very much. You guys, I love listening to you on Saturday, just a highlight of my rest and relaxation. I eat my lunch and listen to you, but anyway, I want to know what your opinion is. I have my ideas, but I'm 53, never been married, single my entire life, never had a really long-term relationship since I was 21, and I want to know what your opinion is with someone in my situation as far as, you know, dating, life, things of that nature.

I know that's a very broad question, but I just want to know your insights about that. Thank you. Well, Chris, I think what I would say to the caller is all of us need friendships. We were not designed to live in isolation. You know, God said of Adam, it's not good for him to be alone. And by nature, it doesn't mean that everybody has to be married.

No, no, no. But it does mean that we need friendships. So I would say to this caller, apparently he's doing fairly well.

He seems to be enjoying life and seems to be doing well. But I would suggest that if he doesn't already have close friends, and they could be male or female friends with whom he interfaces. And this happens, at least it happens in a healthy way if it's done with people at church. And most churches have small groups for singles of different ages. And to develop friendships in that context and do things together, both with males and females, in the small group context like that, can add significantly to not only life's meaning for the individual, but also to the opportunity to help other people. Because it's in those settings that you often discover needs that are there.

And not just financial needs, but needs for information or needs for help. You have an opportunity to invest in the lives of other people. And I believe that life's deepest satisfaction is found in developing your life, your abilities, into helping other people come to know God and come to walk with God.

So that would be my advice. I certainly wouldn't say at your age you should not get married. You still may meet someone and likely you'll meet them in that context.

And the two of you would see God leading you to marriage. But if not, your life certainly will be enriched and you will enrich the lives of others if you develop friendships. I love it that he said he eats lunch and listens on Saturday, isn't it? It's just great.

I can see a picture of him in my mind just sitting there today and eating lunch. And I hope you enjoy the program today and that you benefited from what Dr. Chapman just said. This is our Dear Gary broadcast.

Just about every month, at the end of the month, we take listener comments, questions. 866-424-GARY is the number you can call. Let's go to a mom who wants to speak affirmation into the life of her daughter.

Hi, Gary. I am curious about how you help your middle schooler who is a word of affirmation get through the tough years in middle school, because kids are not always nice in middle school. And my 12 year old daughter is kind of having a tough time. So I was just wondering if you had any advice on how you guide your children through those tough years with their love language being a word of affirmation. Thanks.

Bye. Well, this mother is correct when she says kids are not always kind to each other. And often in today's world, kids do say things not only face to face, though they do some of that, but they do more of that online. Make comments about another person that are negative.

And this can be devastating to a middle schooler and especially one whose love language is words of affirmation. So I think the first thing I would suggest is that the mother encourage the daughter to share with her when she does receive messages like that. You know, to say, honey, if someone gives you a negative word online or face to face, why don't you share them with me?

And let me give you my perspective on what they said. It's just keeping the lines of communication open, because rather than holding those comments inside her heart and her mind and not sharing them with you, it's more likely to lead her to depression and withdrawal. But if she knows she can share everything with you and you're not going to condemn her for sharing those things, you're going to hear her, you're going to listen to her, and then you're going to give her your perspective on whatever the subject was that they addressed. Other than that, then I think just looking for ways that you can affirm her for the way she looks, for something she did, just for the simple fact that you love her, tell her often that you love her, affirm her with the gifts that God has given her, whatever those might be, whatever her interests are, whether it's music or dance or sports or reading or whatever she is interested in, you affirm her in that and you join her in that. To me, that's the way you help a middle schooler work through the negative messages they might receive from other people. You hear them with her, you let her know your perspective about that, and then you look for ways to affirm her verbally. Those words a lot of times are isolating for a young person, you know, and you don't want to share them with your parents because then they're going to feel bad, and so you just keep them to yourself, and you're saying, this just kind of opens up the channel so that she doesn't feel so alone with that. Let me stick with the love language concept then and switch this from middle school to a little older.

See if you can answer this question from our next caller. Is there any corresponding relationship between a person's love language and when they're angry, meaning if she thinks her love language is words, doesn't express any words as far as love, but will use words for her anger, whether it's cursing, yelling, mean, mean, being said, in anger, in argument, but yet very, very, very, very little words are used for love coming from this person. So I'm confused on if words are actually her love language. Well, let me say first of all that understanding a person's love language or understanding your own love language will help you understand why you get angry at certain things. For example, if words of affirmation is your love language and people give you negative or critical words, it will stimulate angry emotions inside of you because we feel angry when we sense that someone is treating us unfairly or unkindly. And so negative words will stimulate the emotions of anger in that person. Now, if the other part of the question is, do we express our anger in keeping with our love language? I really have never thought about that to be very honest with you.

I'm thinking out loud with you as I answer this. Perhaps that person for whom words of affirmation is their love language in their anger may well express their anger in words of affirmation. A person of physical touch may express their anger by throwing things or hitting people or pushing people. Quality time people may express their anger by withdrawing from that person, having nothing to do with that person. So I'm just thinking out loud here, that is a possibility that that would be true, that the way we express our anger may be in keeping with our love language. But I certainly believe that what I said earlier is true, that we tend to experience the emotions of anger when someone uses our love language in a negative way. Then we're going to feel anger toward that person. Obviously, all of us have to learn how to handle anger in a positive way. I wrote a book once called, Anger Taming a Powerful Emotion. Most people need help in how to handle anger in a positive way.

It strikes me that this caller is doing the same thing that you suggested to the wife who called about the husband who, you know, didn't want to sign up for the technology thing, that he's trying to go below the surface and to understand and to probe here and ask good questions and then listen rather than just assuming, oh, she's so angry all the time, you know, he's doing some hard work, isn't he? Yeah, and I think that's good, Chris, because in a family relationship or a friendship, if we find individuals who are angry, we need to know why, you know, what is it? Did I do something?

Did someone else do something? What stimulated the anger? And if we think about it and somebody asks us, then we can pretty well delineate why we got angry. And it gives insight to ourselves, we understand ourselves better and the other person understands us better.

And then, obviously, the latter thing I was emphasizing is all of us need to learn how to control our anger and not let anger control us. If you'd like to ask a question to Dr. Chapman, call our toll-free number 1-866-424-GARY. 866-424-GARY and leave a message for a future Dear Gary broadcast. Now, speaking of blended families, here's our next caller.

Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married 15 years yesterday. Over the course of the relationship, I have personally asked for divorce at least four times. We are both retired militaries, we're both Christians, we're both believers. We are a blended family. He has two children from his previous marriage and I have one from a previous marriage.

We've overcome a lot of obstacles with our blended family, but we still are being attacked. I have a good husband, a good provider, but my cup is empty. I don't know how to ask for what I want. I don't know how to let him know my needs without feeling selfish. I've tried to get him to read "The 5 Love Languages" military edition, I've tried to express to him that I need intimacy, words of affirmation. He doesn't respond to my needs. He has increasingly grown to do more outside hobbies and interests that don't include me and I just feel isolated and alone. I just could really use guidance here. I've been reading, I've been studying, I'm going to counseling.

I just feel desperate. I want my marriage. I don't want a divorce. I know I don't need to be asking for that, but I do need change in his heart and he will not. I mean, we've had three months of the silent treatment, just coldness in our house and I just need help.

Thank you. Well, I'm very empathetic with this caller, Chris. I think anyone who has known marital struggles can identify with what she's saying. She wants so desperately to have a loving, affirming relationship and yet she does. She's not receiving that. I'm really glad that she is reading books. I'm really glad that she's going for counseling. Both of those are positive things.

I understand that she wants to tell him what he needs to do to meet her needs, even though she's not quite sure what those are as she verbalized. Let me say this. Here is a biblical principle. Love stimulates love.

That is, the Bible says we love God because God first loved us. Well, what if we apply that principle in a marriage relationship? So that rather than asking for love or demanding love, what if we chose to love unconditionally the other person? And especially if we chose to speak their love language unconditionally. I'm assuming that you know what your husband's love language is. So what if you concentrated on speaking his love language? Not asking him how to love you, but speaking his love language. And then, what if, after a few weeks of this, you said to him, you know, I really am working on being a better wife.

I hope maybe you've seen that in the last few weeks. But I want to ask you, how could I be a better wife? How could I meet your needs?

What could I do that would help you, that would enrich your life? Because he has seen a difference in your behavior over the last few weeks, he will likely give you an idea or two of what would make his life better or enrich his life. And then, after you begin to respond to that for two, three weeks or two or three months, then you make a request of him. And because he's been sensing your love and your desire to be a better wife, he's far more likely to respond to you. Again, the principle is, love stimulates love. So unconditional love, in the right love language over a period of time, and asking how you can be a better spouse, creates an atmosphere in which he's far more likely then to be open to your request of him down the road. So that would be my advice.

Give that a try. Obviously that doesn't mean that he will necessarily respond, because let's face it, some people spit in God's face, and God loves them every day. So it's not a way of manipulating him, it's just a pattern of life in which you're asking God to let you be his instrument in loving your husband and becoming the best possible wife you could become to him, and see what God does with that. We can't change our spouse, but we can influence our spouse. And love, in the right language, is the most powerful influence you can have on another person. And for the person who's reaching for their phone, who's saying, you're telling people to stay in abusive marriages, you're telling people to just take the abuse, that's not what you're saying.

That is not what I'm saying, Chris. Her situation is not an abusive relationship, at least it doesn't appear to be an abusive relationship. She tends to be neglected, but she doesn't tend to be getting verbal or physical abuse. No, we don't stay in a verbally abusive situation. In those situations, our attitude is, I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. To sit here and let you hurt me and harm our children. Therefore, I'm going to, and you decide what you're going to do. That's tough love.

But Chris, here's what I found. Tough love is far more effective if it has been preceded by tender love over a period of time. Because if there is no change in the other person, then for you to say, I don't know how you feel about us, but I feel like for the last six months I have really, really tried to be a good wife or a good husband.

And it seems to me that you really don't care. I not only am going for counseling, I'm going to ask you to go with me. But if you're not willing to do that, and you don't care about our marriage, then I'm going to move in with my mother for a while. That's tough love. But because you have been loving them unconditionally for three, six months before that, they're far more likely to wake up and say to themselves, I think I better do something here. But that's not what happens most of the time. Most of the time we're critical of them for six months or two years. We're critical, critical, critical. And then we say, you know, I'm going to move out. And they say, good riddance.

I'm tired of your bickering anyway. Tough love is always more effective if it comes on the heels of tender love over a period of time. Our featured resource today is Building Love Together in Blended Families.

We have it linked at 5lovelanguages.com. Just a note to parents who may be listening, our next call deals with the sexual relationship in marriage. So be aware of that as we hear the struggle of this gentleman. Hello.

Good morning, Gary. Have you actually ever dealt with a couple, specifically obviously with men, that have dealt with erectile dysfunction? Obviously when it comes to my case, you know, obviously I can get an erection by myself. But is it possible that I cannot get an erection due to the fact that there might be a lack of that, you know, language that my wife is not speaking to me in my love language, you know what I mean?

So just kind of wondering if you ever dealt with that kind of case and can men really get, you know, through it or bypass it, you know, as long as the wife does start meeting those love languages, you know, if she ever gets to read the book or whatever. But that was pretty much my question. Thanks.

God bless. Yes, I think this topic, erectile dysfunction, two things are important. One is to determine, is this a physical problem? And if so, then you seek medical help. Or is it an emotional problem? And it seems what you're describing is probably an emotional problem. And in that case, then we want to work on the relationship because that's the answer. And if the problem is an emotional problem where you don't feel loved by the spouse and therefore you're not stimulated by them in a sexual manner, then we need to really work on the relationship.

And I would say this is where counseling can be extremely helpful to both of you because it lets each of you begin to look at yourselves and see, you know, how you've been responding to each other and how it's affecting the relationship. Yes, understanding each other's love language and choosing to speak it on a regular basis is one of the biggest aspects of meeting that emotional need for love, which all of us have. And in a marriage, you certainly want to feel that your spouse loves you. And speaking their language and they're speaking your language is the most effective way to meet that deep emotional need. And then that has a positive effect on the sexual part of the relationship. I wonder if our caller and his wife have had that conversation or if having that conversation is too hard for him to even bring up that the wife will feel bad about one thing or another. Just being able to talk about that, even though it's a struggle, is a good step, don't you think?

Absolutely, Chris. We don't make much progress in a relationship without open communication. If it's something that only one of us is struggling with, the other doesn't know, then there's nothing they can do about it. And so we just live in our silence and live with our struggles. Communication is to a marriage what oxygen is to the body.

You can't survive long term without open communication with each other. Well, here's another single caller for Dr. Gary Chapman. He has a dating question.

Hi, Gary. So I actually have a couple of questions for you that I wanted to ask, but I wanted to know how someone should go about combating lust in a relationship, because we do still experience the sin. But I wanted to know what strategies should be used in a relationship to best fight it. Thank you. Bye bye. Well, of course, we don't have a whole lot of information on what the caller has in mind in terms of what he or others may be experiencing in a dating relationship.

That's what I hear him saying. We have normal natural sexual attractions for other people, and how we handle those is extremely important. The Bible gives some pretty clear guidelines in terms of what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in a dating relationship in terms of our sexuality. I think open discussion, again, on a dating relationship is extremely important. Each of us sharing what we feel should be the guidelines in, quote, how far we go in this part of our relationship. The Bible is very clear that maleness and femaleness, our sexuality, is good.

God made us male and female. There's nothing wrong with the whole reality that we are sexual beings and relating to each other sexually is a part of life. But God has guidelines for that. For example, sexual intercourse, the Bible is very clear, is reserved for marriage, not out of marriage. If we share our guidelines, and hopefully those guidelines are the same as scriptural guidelines, then we ask God to help us. The scriptures say that God will not allow us to be tempted above what we're able to bear, but will, with the temptation, also make a way of escape. What we do, I think, is ask God to show us the way of escape. How do I turn away from the temptation to lust?

Again, the caller doesn't give us information in terms of where he's struggling with lust, what kind of lust he's struggling with. But God always has a way of showing us a route that we can turn away from temptation. We don't have to yield to temptation. With the help of God, we can overcome temptation.

And that, of course, is our goal. One of the practical things is to not be isolated, not be alone a lot in the dating. Dating with other people, or dating in groups, or being more in public than going back to the apartment or the room alone. Because that's where you can get into trouble more often with the lustful thoughts and actions, right?

I think so, Chris. That's where we have to have boundaries. Together, in a dating relationship, we can decide on what those boundaries are going to be.

Because we don't want to do something that's going to harm our long-term relationship. We want to do things in the dating relationship that's going to enhance our relationship, if indeed it leads to marriage. That we're going to be able to look back and be glad that we followed God's pattern in terms of our dating relationship. Well, our final call today is kind of a story that our listener tells. It's such a great, glowing story, great way to end the program with today. Listen to this.

Hi, Gary. I just wanted to give a hopeful comment. My husband was looking at glasses the other day. We've been married for 36 years. And he was looking at glasses and wanted me to come and see which of the several pairs he picked out I like best. And I got there and we joked around and the girl that was helping us was very kind. And as we left, she was probably all of 28 years old, said, you know, I've had two marriages and two children. And she said, I can only hope to have a marriage as good as yours. You two just glow when you see each other. And that was the best Christmas gift someone could have given me. She just opened my eyes to how much work God has done, because we are so very, very different in our personalities.

If you've ever done the multi-person MBTI or IT or something, we are so completely opposite. And I just thank God and just praise him for the work that he's done in our lives and the love that he's given us for such a different person. I just wanted to offer that hope to people.

Thank you very much. Isn't that great? Well, that's encouraging to hear that. I wish every couple could have the pleasure of having someone else observe their relationship and seeing in them something they would like to have for themselves. It can be true.

Let's face it. There's a whole lot of people out there that have been married more than once and they struggle through the years. And they see a couple that's enjoying life with each other and encouraging each other and helping each other. And deep inside, they long to have that kind of relationship. And it's encouraging.

If they verbalize it, it's encouraging to the couple that they have observed. You know, the reality is, Chris, we can have a loving, supportive, caring relationship. I think it all starts with our relationship with God. When we respond to his love, we let him come into our lives.

We make him our Lord as well as our Savior. And we ask him to teach us how to be his representative in loving other people, whether we're single or whether we're married. Lord, I want to be an agent of love.

I want your love to flow through me. And when that happens in a marriage and you get it going both ways, then you're going to have the kind of marriage God intended you to have. Others will recognize it. And they may even ask you, how do you do that?

And you have a chance to tell them. Well, you know, first of all, for us, it's our relationship with God that gives us a sincere desire to serve each other, to love each other. And that's the heart of it.

And then the practical part, we work out as we move along. But it all starts with a change of heart. So, you know, I believe that God can use marriage, our marriage, if it's healthy, to open up conversation with people who may not know Christ and they may not know the power of turning your life over to him.

Our marriage should be used as a testimony to the grace of God. And when it does, it does affect other people. I love that when she told the story about, he's picking out glasses, if we'd have hit the rewind button on their lives, you know, years ago, she might have said, nah, I don't want to see that. Or there may have been a difference in the way they responded, but now they've grown together.

The little things in life have brought them together rather than seeing them as nuisances or whatever. You've talked about that a lot. And God can change even those little things that rub you the wrong way right now to make them endearing to you and your spouse.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, and she said, we were very, very different. You know, she emphasized that. Her personalities are very, very different. And most of the time we are different. You know, the old saying, opposites attract. And so we get married and we realize, oh, these opposites are not only attracting, they're also irritating. But we work through those things and we come to thank God that we're not the same, you know, that we are different. And so we accentuate the positive things about those differences.

We come to accept those things that they either cannot or choose not to change. And we enjoy encouraging each other and helping each other rather than condemning each other. Well, let me give you that number where you can leave a message or a question for Dr. Chapman for a future Dear Gary broadcast. Our number is 1-866-424-GARY. We'd love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out our featured resource, Building Love Together in Blended Families, "The 5 Love Languages" and Becoming Step-Family Smart. It's written by Dr. Chapman and Ron Deal.

You can find out more at FiveLoveLanguages.com. And next week, I dare you to listen. I double dog dare you to take the Jesus dare.

That's coming up in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.