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Dear Gary - September

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
September 26, 2020 1:00 am

Dear Gary - September

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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September 26, 2020 1:00 am

Dr. Gary Chapman is known for the 5 Love Languages. His passion is to connect couples and singles with that unique approach to relationships. And he’s not afraid to tackle real life struggles. On the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, you’ll hear never-before-asked questions about the love languages. The answers might help you. Hear the conversation on the September edition of Dear Gary—on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman level people like him him the phone company can know welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the I love today. Our first dear Gary broadcast all your questions, and struggles. We have a fresh batch of calls from listeners around the country will we question what one song that I've never heard Dr. Chapman. We hope what you're about to hear you in some way in relation before we get started, here's her number you want to ask question on a future broadcast 186-6424 Gary is her number. We will take questions live today. You may get an answer on the future dear Gary broadcast the numbers 186-6424 Gary Gary you don't speak as much during the summer months, but a lot of your seminars were canceled because of the pandemic are things changing as we head into the fall season crystal pretty much all of my in-person events have really been canceled all the way through October. I do have a few but not nearly what I normally have some of them of course were were replacing were doing virtual looks good and others are just canceling and rescheduling for next year, but it's been a different season, but it has been good to interface with people you know online and open up and busy continuing to work at writing books and think of the opportunities that are there, you should find a way to stay busy all day that I cannot keep up with just where you're going on a GPS but if you go to the website today. You can this year featured resources. One thing to Gary's been doing. He was work with our York more on a book titled scene known love five truths about God and your love language.

Why is this an important addition to that the series on the love languages Chris.

I was really glad to link up with our York more to write this book. He is an evangelist that works with inner varsity Christian Fellowship and works with a lot of young people are college students, and so this book is written to say the younger crowd, but anyone I think would find it helpful but it's really written to non-Christians, who are you know just by nature they will make a difference in the world you know they want to know somebody loves them and cares for them and so we use the love languages to talk about that. The concept that all of us have the desire to love and to be loved and it greatly impacts our our life.

You know, if we're loved are we are not loved. It has a tremendous impact on our life but we use that to say that human love relationships will never answer the deep longing of the human heart is that it's experiencing the love of God that really brings that sense of peace which Jesus said would come to those it would come to him. So it were using the love languages to show that God does speak all five of these languages and whatever your language, then God loves you he loves you and that language and if you look in his direction. You will see his love. You can experience his love and hopefully come to commit your life to Christ.

We are hoping to be used to help a lot of folks like to step from belongings that I have inside to finding those longing satisfied in Christ, what a fantastic idea scene known love five truths about God and your love language you find out more at write our first caller here today. Gary mentions what you just talk about that the pandemic it's a similar topic to that.

Listen to this or in my life and my ministry and am thankful for that question I have for you time 19 and churches being down. A lot of business is being down to dominant love languages are words of affirmation and physical tax. So, really, really, during this time because I can't live on people like I like to live on them and it's hard to be loved window to your left languages when you're not having personal contact. I was wondering if you could just address that that that language in thank you so much and may God continue to bless you. That's a good question. This deal with that concept in my book, the five love language is military addition doesn't have thing to do with Kobe that has to do with being deployed so that your way from the people that you love and relate to, and I talk about ways that you can express these love languages long-distance. So if the caller has close relationships.

I don't know if she's married or single, she has close relationships with friends and she knows their love language and I know her love language you can express these languages even though you're not physically with each other. For example, the friend could say to her, send her a text, or even send her a little card inside, you know, if I were with you right now I give you a big hug. You know, that sort of thing and it communicates you really sense it and quality time. Lots of ways you can do that quality time course you can have quality conversations on the phone or face time with each other. So I think it just thinking in terms of how might we meet this need for love by speaking each other's love language even though we not physically together. And the reality is all of those languages can be spoken when you're not together physically.

On the other hand, I'm deeply empathetic with the caller's desire to love others because we tend to speak our own love language and so she she loves the physical contact that she gets with people. She's a touch her and she loves the quality time and is more difficult to have that we have social distancing. So, when a lot of people are struggling with that and it's a different world. In a lot of ways, you know, we're having to navigate that, so I appreciate your answer that I love the questions that you hear. I dear Gary program have to do with here's my problem.

What you say I have one for you next Gary from someone who is not writing about her situation, but a friend she says I'm not sure how to advise her. Her husband, my friends husband has a shady past alcohol, drugs, adultery. He claims he got saved about two years ago he was doing well, but recently he's just gone off the wagon.

It started with drinking. He's gone downhill to the point he's visiting strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his Christian wife and will answer calls is upsetting the entire household which includes young children is nonviolent, but she's at her wits and trying to deal with him in caring for her children, which includes baby she's been putting up with this most of their married life and was actually delivering their third baby when he had taken off. She's forgiven them over and over. Once the marriage to work.

He keeps saying he's sorry and he goes back to his shenanigans, which I think is a pretty good word there. I would like to tell her to leave but she really has no family here and with the pandemic. It makes everything difficult, especially with the children she's seeking godly advice would you say to that friend. Well first of all, Chris. You know my my heart goes out to a wife and mother who's in the situation and listen there many who are in that situation.

I guess one of the first things that comes my mind, inasmuch as he said that he became a Christian. Two years ago.

I'm assuming that perhaps when he made that your profession of his faith in Christ.

It might have been in a church or with someone who had befriended him or reached out to him that most people don't come to Christ just on their own or somebody else in their life. That's God's instrument for helping them come. If that is the case I would suggest that this wife talk to that person may be a pastor and maybe a friend and share with them what's going on. I we all know that a person is an alcoholic, often even though they come to Christ will often fall off the wagon and go back to drinking and want to go back to drinking than a lot of other things pile on top of it doesn't mean that that's the end of the road because God has a way of drawing his children back to himself. And I think God will certainly be working in this man's life if he truly did commit his life to Christ, so I would say to reach out to someone that you think your husband respects and asked them if they would intercede if they would talk with them if they would try to communicate to him their love and bring him back from from this present situation.

I know that there does come a time when you just feel like giving up, and I think the positive thing in this I'm hearing is that he is not violent.

That is, is not physically abusing. I don't know about verbal abuse and maybe maybe not, but certainly his behavior is not helping the marriage or helping the children Very, very difficult to deal with that sort of thing, but I would say again with the coded situation.

It even if you decided to use tough love which basically says I love you too much to do nothing.

I'm watching you destroy yourself and your hurting us and I love you too much to do that.

So I'm going to move in with my mother, but in this case you don't have any relatives nearby that she could move move in with so is more difficult to do that so but I do think reaching out for help someone else who can help intercede and and also can walk with you and that might be a friend at church. It might be a women's leader in the church with whom you could talk that would and maybe this is what's happening. Maybe the one that sent us a question in is the person she's reached out to and see say what about tell her I think it empathizing with her expressing your concern and your love for her asking there's anything that you are others in your church or group might be able to do to help her in the midst of all of this that's basically what a friend and a coach like can do for her, but just hearing her out and knowing there's somebody she can call and talk to when she's really feeling desperate is a real ministry to her, but hopefully someone can reach out to him and be God's instrument of bringing him back in fellowship with God user list. Call us 186-6424 Gary go to five love You'll see her featured resource seen, known, loved, about five love languages in your relationship with God. Go to five love is there a way to help someone who is addicted by using the love languages. Here's our next question.

If you use language methods to help people. Dealing with addiction and is reading your book, that a lot of issues can happen.

They're not getting that love language from your perspective, probably addiction, but if you can help them have result if you start getting the right level English to someone doing what I drug addiction, alcohol did experience like that.

Any knowledge you can share about the great.

Let's face it, whether a person is addicted or whether they're not addicted the deepest emotional need. We have as humans is the need to feel by the significant people in our lives in many times. Sometimes because of the addiction. The people who are closest to that person are not expressing love to them because they're frustrated with them and so they basically are condemning them and trying to you know so you gotta straighten up. They preaching to them. So I think yes I do think if you if you can learn the primary and secondary love language of the addicted person and I and you can typically if you reach out to them and show interest in them. You can even get them to take the quiz online to determine what their primary love language is and then you start speaking that love language to them. So essentially what you're doing is what God does. He loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us so we don't wait till they break the addiction to love them we love them where they are and speaking their love languages. The most effective way to communicate love to them and when they begin to realize that you genuinely love them. You genuinely care about their well-being. They are far more open then to listen to suggestions, advice challenges that you might throw out to them to deal with their addiction ways. If you just simply you know criticizing for what they're doing.

Tell him how awful they are held or hurting everybody in the family just pushes the further away from listening to you are reaching out for help, but if they see you loving them in spite of the fact that they are going through addiction therefore more likely to eventually respond and reach out for help. And there's always help as you know, for addiction, there's always help their Christian programs all over the country who work with people who are addicted and the power of Christ we can overcome addiction and so yeah I think I loving them the right love language can be a part of that healing process. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" so you're hearing a lot of questions that are linked to the love language concept. I think you gotta love this next call the Gary it's from a newlywed list of this Gary and my wife are actually currently reading your book. Five love languages, learning a lot from it. Really trying to get touch with how we can make our marriage lasted me move on. Mary, about four months now, but we really want to make sure that works. We don't just want to follow one of those old couples who have nothing to say. We got there we end up splitting apart care about each other very much. My question was, maybe what love language would fall under it time you feel most love is when your spouse next with the mentally and open up opens up to you, tells you what's going on than their head. As you know, something that they've been thinking or feeling they really like open up no love language that would fall under think you have a wonderful day. First of all, Chris.

I'm glad to hear that a young married couple is reading "The 5 Love Languages" .

I wish every young married couple would read "The 5 Love Languages" because it will help you have a long-term healthy relationship.

I would say in answer to a specific question that the very likely the love languages. He's talking about is quality time it's it's being with the person showing interest in them. Their opening their heart and sharing their hearts and their feelings with you, which shows that they trust you they care about you so I think it falls in the category quality time and that's true for many people that when you have honest open conversations with them and you're not watching TV. You're not messing with your computer. You're not answering your phone or giving them your full attention. That's what really communicates to those people that you love them you care about them. So I think of the love language would be quality time but if you haven't taken the online quiz. It's free. Five love and take the quiz. It will also help you discover your love language. I think this relates to her featured resource seen known love when you are able to express the thing to. Here's what I'm thinking about. Here's what I'm going through.

Here's what it whether it's about the relationship your own feelings about one thing or another. The other person is able to see the real you and that brings you closer brings intimacy to the relationship right because intimacy is basically sharing your life with each other.

It's being intimate with each other so I noticed not just with.

We typically call the other physical or sexual part of the marriage not enough. It's it's sharing your heart and your soul with each other.

Being open and honest with each other that that that is an emotional intimacy. The love language questions continue. Could there possibly be a person on the planet who has no love language that before you answer that question.

Listen to what's behind it. From this list really hot ball that had no language or a lot of language, no language at all and I'm truly convinced that my friend have a lot language you know your thoughts and if you think that is completely wrong.

You come here first thoughts would be if I could sit down with her ex boyfriend would be do you feel loved by anyone either does or doesn't he probably can answer yes or no question, and if he does say yes I feel loved by tells me the person. My question would be why, why do you feel they love you and other people necessarily love you. That would be a clue to what the love limbs.

Maybe my guess is that he was his answer would be no he doesn't fill out by anyone and there are people like that if you grew up in a home where you did not receive the love languages any of them and where what would've been your primary love language is used in a negative way toward you as you hear criticism in her verbal abuse coming from your parents or other significant adults in your life, rather than words of affirmation and and all the love language come across in a negative way of their turned on their head.

Then you grow up not feeling loved.

So consequently when you get to be an adult. It's hard to answer the question what what would make me feel love because you don't really know what love is. Emotionally you've never had that sensation that someone genuinely cares about you and your well-being is a value you as a person. So typically folks who tell me that they can't determine their love language, falling one of two categories. One is what I just described. They grew up.

They've never felt love all along the journey by anyone in consequently they don't know what their love language is because they don't not even sure what it feels like to feel loved the other person who often cannot discover their love language. Their primary language is the person who grew up in a home where they received all five of the love languages and I grew up feeling loved. They don't know why didn't know which one of them was more important because I got all five of them and in adulthood. Maybe they married someone who also tends to speak all five so they've always felt love. They're just not quite sure what the primary is for those people I say don't worry about it for love that's great that's wonderful that's what's important. So it's the first person that struggles most with not discovering their primary love language because they simply don't know what it feels like to be loved.

I would if we could sit down with her like you just said I would wonder. She mentioned this was a 10 year relationship sedate, she's hung in there for long time when did it dawn on her. You know that she didn't think he had a love language and and what attracted them in the first place. What attracted them together at the beginning of that relationship ended.

Did she just not see what was going on.

You know she'd hope that things would change me. All those are really good questions doesn't really help any any at this point, but it would be interesting to see that with. It would be especially to hear from him.

What was it about her that attracted you to the relationship because whatever that was his again.

It's a clue to what is love language would be through the years, Dr. Gary Chapman has fielded questions about the possibility of the discovery of a new language and our last caller just said is the six language, no language at all elicited this next question.

I think it's really interesting. Here we go I want to thank you very much for your books very proven methods a lot in my life wondering if there would be another love language which is called acceptance. I understand that it might fall a little bit on the words of affirmation, I'm a mentor looking at risk and I find many times teens need their love language is actually feeling accepted that only the complement necessary. They feel accepted. Thank you.

Yes I do think it probably falls in the category of the words of affirmation that I understand what you're saying. Teens need to feel accepted that all adults need to be accepted. Acceptance in the sense of belonging are both emotional needs that a person has their very closely related to the need for love because if you generally feel loved.

You do feel accepted and you do feel that you belong to the group so yeah I think when you think in terms of what are the emotional needs of teenagers. He says he's working with teens are troubled.

What are the emotional needs of teens the need to feel accepted by someone the need to belong to someone.

This is what draws teenagers into gangs is at least the gang accepts them and consequently they belong to the group and there's a sense of inner satisfaction that they someone accepts them as they are so I think acceptance and belonging are certainly emotional needs of teenagers are actually for adults as well, but feeling loved is tied very closely to feeling accepted and feeling like you belong. So I think that's gonna work the way I would do that and I would see acceptance itself being more falling in the category of words of affirmation is not necessarily you're saying. I like the way you look at all of that but it's giving them affirmation that you love them you care about them. There you they are accepted by you ever forget something. Oh, I sure have, but what about when you forget the same thing over and over and over for years. Here's our next caller for 11 years in April and it has not been the thing I'm really struggling with is my husband forgetting I know that very minimal but I can help him in his second business, and in exchange for me to take the time and help him that taming and out of the money that he paid me.

I'm a student I use that to pay like my credit card balance and I've help him with this business for eight years, and for eight years. He can instantly forget to send me the list of Abraham for that week. I consistently forget to pay me.

I've been nice about it. I mean about it.

I yelled about it. I've been calm about it. I've explained to him. Not only do I feel unappreciated when he does that follow through and pay me or send me the list of things you want me to work on for that week, but it also messed me up financially because I'm getting overdraft fees because I have my bills set on automatic payment and it doesn't matter what I say constantly that he does forget, and I'm thinking that personally because I feel like you are not listening to me or he's doing it on purpose. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to take that.

I'm not sure how to stop taking it personally. Any just and you guys have it off them. Thank you so much. Have a great one look and see how that would be extremely frustrating and she's trying to help him. He's asked her to do that and so she's trying to help him, but he forgets to give her the assignments that would be helpful to him that week and then sometimes he forgets to pay her advanced to know if there are other people involved in the business. If so I would say tell them if he has an assistant at work that keeps things straight for him that I would let that assistant know that this is what's happening so that she could remind him of the things that he wants his wife to do for this weekend also remind him. This is the data write the check to her or put the money in her bank account.

Sometimes an outside person can help you know it would be interesting to know why he forgets we may he's just forgetful person. He forgets a lot of other things as well.

On the other hand, maybe he doesn't want you helping him. I don't know what the dynamics are there and so maybe he's just putting up with the fact that you volunteered to help you feel. He will pay you and so he's accepting that but it's not necessarily what he wants it be worth a discussion to find out if he really wants you to be worked with him in the business, because if he doesn't, then you get another job you can make money somewhere else. You know, maybe it's easier for you.

Working with him, but it sounds like it's very frustrating for you. Working with him doesn't mean he's a bad person necessarily unless he's doing this intentionally if he saying to himself if I don't pay her.

Maybe she'll quit you know because he doesn't want you working anyway with him I would try to get to the root of what's behind the fact that he forgets to give you assignments for each week and forgets to pay you, whether someone in the position I can help him see what's happening or someone to help you see what's happening that I think there does come a place where you simply say to him, it appears to me that maybe you don't want me to be helping you because you don't consistently give me work to do and you don't consistently pay me so if that is the case, I'm going to look for another job because I need to have an income so to me that would be the approach open, honest, and then he has a choice, if he really does want you to be helping him. Then let's find a way that he can be reminded to give you that list. Maybe someone else can do it when you can send them a text. Maybe there's some other approach but if it simply forgetting is that there's a way around that. But if there's an intention behind the forgetting that he really doesn't want to be working for you need to know that, and respond accordingly and you either find that unless you have communication I can't resist. Though I'm thinking of her. I wonder if her love language is acts of service and so she's been doing this year. If you hear 50 year ends and there's no gratitude.

You know there's no receptive and may be part of her bloodline is a paycheck to because you use her that I think I think her one of the key things she says there is I take it personally. I don't know how you wouldn't take it personally if he forgets every month or every two weeks. Agree very apathetic with.

I'm very apathetic with the caller and I think anybody will be frustrated in that situation is not going to go away with time and she's already said she's tried arguing she's tried putting him down. She's tried to spin quiet about it nonetheless worked so I think I think she's a face. Honestly, whether or not he wants her to be doing this for him. If not, then she needs to just look for another job and not worry about that. Well week take calls here on the program of Building Relationships from people who represent into their own struggle husband. He forgets here's a caller who I think represents a lot of spouses who have reached out to us particularly recently, both husbands and wives have this same basic question. I know after marriage and I'm trying to my marriage because I made it now and I'm praying reconciliation at 8 cd patent communication. I make it.

Steven and her marriage all night.

You have a lot of people praying for me. My pinky will anyone who's been in the situation concert with this caller and I found this is very common, especially among Christians that the Christian is deeply committed to the marriage they want to work on the marriage. They're open to doing whatever would be positive, but the other person is saying him through amount here I'm gone. Maybe the other person is not a Christian. Or maybe they're not in fellowship with God and they're just simply being pulled away in some other direction.

Very frustrating, very painful for the person who wants to work on the marriage. I don't think there's a magic wand that can be waived. It certainly doesn't help to condemn them. It doesn't help necessarily even to preach to them and so you know this is not God's plan for us, that sort of thing. They already know that very likely.

I did write a book for people who are separated and sometimes already gone through the divorce proceedings.

It's called one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. I think God that the caller would find that book to be helpful.

I do share the reality that one person cannot you create a marriage that takes two people to do that but one person can do things it has a more positive influence on the other person so I think you'd find that book to be helpful. Write another one that was called loving your spouse when you feel like walking away and that once for people that are married to someone who's alcoholic or drug addict, or won't talk to you are there physically abusive or verbally abuse. I'm really, really, really difficult things like the first when I mentioned to apply more to this this caller one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. Do you think that it helps or hurts or somewhere in between.

When most of the stories that you hear on Christian radio and I know this is a sensitive question and and I may be out about your Gary, but most of the stories that I see in print as well as you know it will even feature.

Here are my marriage was bad. It was really gone. I was headed to divorce and God grabbed hold me and turned me around and here we are today in love more than ever. Does that paint a picture that God is always going to do that in your life and that you can depend on him to do that or is there you want him asking what he say well Chris I think sometimes we get frustrated because God doesn't turn the person around here. We pray God work in their heart, turn them around. Help them understand put a roadblock in front of them and those are good prayers. I'm not opposed to praying those things because God does respond in that manner sometimes but I think as an individual who wants to work on the marriage you keep open to the possibility that God will bring someone or something into their life that will change their thinking and the worst thing that you can do is because your spouse is saying I'm going to get a divorce and they've already got the process going that you start looking for someone else that you can start dating and have a relationship with. Because what I've seen happen many times is you meet someone else. You get caught up in a new relationship. Six months down the road.

Your your spouse you're from a sometimes your former spouse. It hits a crisis hits a wall, and God uses that to bring them back to himself and they repaired and they turn around and now they want to work on the marriage, and because you're involved with someone else to say I'm sorry you had your chance and now because you're caught up in all the euphoria of a new relationship, you're not open to say this to people who are separated and who are in the process of divorce, at least for one year. Don't get involved with anyone else. You just work on your relationship with God and understanding yourself. Maybe get counseling for yourself to deal with your struggles and the pain and the misunderstandings and all of that you use this as a time of growth in your own life then anything that year, they generally turn around and a genuine event and they come back and want to work on the merits and now you are in a better place to begin the process of working on that marriage because you understand yourself better you understand the dynamics of what happened in the marriage better and you're far more likely to have the marriage that you dreamed of having when you first got married.

So that would be a very strong word of advice that I would share and hear my heart in this whole thing is I don't want to stop giving messages of hope or that God has the power to turn the marriage around still talk about the stories of being either situation, your spouse just goes through that with the divorce and and runs off for God grabs a hold of that person.

In either situation, your reliance is on Kim, you are surrendered to God himself, and allowing him to work in you and that other person as he will write absolutely Christian.

And let's face it, life's deepest satisfaction is in our relationship with God.

We can't keep the person from divorcing us and we must live with the consequences and the effects it has on our children and the effect it has on us. And if I could house on the larger family we have to live with it. We didn't make that choice. Choice was made by someone else. But we have to live with the consequences God will walk with us through the consequences God will help us teach us grow us mature us as we walked through that process and we desperately need to be looking to him if there's children involved.

When you do everything we can to get the children the proper help they need to process this because they often feel neglected and abandoned by the person who's pursuing the divorce so use it as a time for personal growth both for you and for any children. She may have. I need to figure things out before we go further. Our next caller heard those words and once Gary's advice will shake, going great. Learn to live separately or six months to a year to get themselves out for league of people thinking from my perspective, is unfortunate that so many couples today are living together, sometimes for years before they get married and research indicates that most of those couples do not get married. Most of those couples do break up. Somewhere along the line. See the idea of moving in together is the idea that if we lived together will get to know each other better and then we can make a decision about whether we get married or not, and will make a better decision of the fact is that the couples who do get married to live together before they got married.

The divorce rate is higher than it is for the couples who did not live together before they got married.

So having said that, and I think it's important to understand that research is very clear on those issues I having said that, I want to come back after this to the caller because I'm empathetic when you made the decision to live with someone for several years and you think the relationship is going really well and all of a sudden they say I think we on separate for a while. I need to discover who I am. Those are very common words very common thoughts. I we ought to be apart for a while so I can discover myself which means I'm not totally satisfied in this relationship. I don't know if I want to make a commitment to you and marriage.

So I think we ought to split up for a while so that I can decide what who I am in work and where I'm going. It speaks to the inner person the inner heart that is not satisfied where they are in life and not satisfied with the relationship. And some people have two or three of these kind of relationships and the fact is we don't ever find ultimate satisfaction in life.

In a relationship The relationship with God when that's settled and you have a right relationship with God, then human relationships become very, very meaningful, but when were still seeking who we are still trying to find out what life is all about.

It's very, very common that a person will break up after living together for some time, so I'm very apathetic there's no easy answer to that. Certainly you so you give them the time given the space and then you have to decide what you going to do.

Are you going to wait and not see anyone else while they're trying to find out who they are or are you going to keep open to the possibility of starting a new relationship yourself and again you need God's guidance at this juncture in your life. So if you don't have a personal relationship with God. You are not close to God, I'd suggest you find a pastor you find a friend that you know who is a Christian and let them walk with you through this journey because it's very devastating when you've invested so many years with someone and now they're walking away without making commitment to you, someone else can help you as you walk through that.

I wonder if part of the struggle that her boyfriend however we term him. I wonder part of the struggle is I want to be happy I'm I'm that's my greatest goal in life and I'm not happy right now and you're not making me happy he get out alive and and I'm searching for that happiness. So I will take six months to a year to find what is real. Maybe you'll make me happy in the end, and that's honestly in this culture, that's how a lot of people live I will stay in a relationship until I'm not happy anymore than I want to go find happiness think you're exactly right Christian. That's why many times they don't get married, then will make a commitment for a lifetime. Their happy right now in the euphoric stage of the relationship you know what we call falling in love that has an average life span of two years and we come down off the high so I think yes in our culture. Happiness has become the goal I want to be happy in life, but we search for happiness you we don't find happiness. We give our lives to God. And we invest our lives and serving other people and that's when we wake up happy.

Happiness overtakes us when we are investing our lives in a positive way. But when you're in a relationship for what you can get out of it. As long as you make me happy.

I'm in this relationship and when you don't like me happy and out of this relationship you got to go from relationship to relationship and you you will never find ultimate happiness until you anchor your life in God and you do what God does and that is reach out to love and serve other people. It's in serving other people that we find true happiness. I wonder what you just said if this phrase would would fit.

Happiness is not something you find happiness finds you as you commit to loving others is that close to what I said yeah I think so Chris and found we got the sun and found that I just love the were able to have these kinds of conversations and they don't happen unless you give us a call and ask a question or make a comment, maybe you said something today you say I 866424 Gary let us hear from you. Good, bad or indifferent. Somewhere in between, 866424 Gary for any question or comments you have love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out her future resource. Five love known love five truths about God and your lovely five love languages next week if you want to know how to effectively pray for your children and grandchildren. Don't miss our conversation with Dr. big thank you to our production team that help bring you today's program. Steve Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is not meeting radio ministry at Moody Bible and thanks for listening

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