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Dear Gary - October

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
October 31, 2020 1:00 am

Dear Gary - October

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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October 31, 2020 1:00 am

You never know what you’re going to hear when Dr. Gary Chapman takes phone calls from listeners. It could be a marriage struggle, a disagreement about a previous answer he’s given, or a parenting question. He’ll tackle any relational issue you have—from in-laws to the love languages. Need some encouragement? Don’t miss the October “Dear Gary” broadcast on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are on "The 5 Love Languages" successful language and you will leave us emotionally. My wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Carrie Chapman Amis love like we just signed open phone line and hear your questions about the love languages your marriage singles issues and more today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, you're probably sure whether or not you are welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today dear Gary broadcast for October 31, complete with new questions from our listener line old. We have some great questions that come in recently. I do that each week we have a resource website five Loveland, players guide things reclaiming the gifts of the lost spiritual discipline by Dustin Crow. Find out more about it. Five love Chris with Thanksgiving coming up in about a month like this biblical idea of thanks giving is really really helpful excited about this and let's face it in our culture, but we need a revival of gratitude grumbling and complaining about so many things and yet so much to be thankful for so excited about this book. It's easier to grumble is.

Maybe it's easier to look at the negative and what's going on in our lives, rather than to see you put it in perspective, I think you think you're exactly right. You know about nature, we tend to say the things that are wrong in the world and wrong in our life rather than to say the things it this is okay this is good maybe Thanksgiving will help the whole country turn more to the spirit of looking for the positive rather than the negative yes and then in and getting that reframing I think in my own life. I've seen God has dragged me kicking and screaming through some really hard things when I look back on it I say that was really good for my heart for my soul what I see transformation on the inside because God allowed this to replace this obstacle.

So if you go to five love today, you'll see the gamblers guide to giving thanks reclaiming the gifts of a lost spiritual discipline written by Dustin Crow scored five love alright Gary, let's open the floodgates of the phone calls and here's a single man with an interesting question number 60 strive to ship one Lord, shall I still care and try to meet somebody like questions. I first thought would be. He said he been married twice before my question when they did the spouses die or was it a divorce and if it was divorce. I will look back and say why you know what what happened there and how much of that maybe was me make it a time of really analyzing where you are and what's happened in the past, but also Chris Horton said he's been married for been single now for 20 years and at the age of 65 or so. He's thinking, should I be looking for another relationship so I don't think anyone can answer that question for someone else. Think of something we all have to grapple with.

I'm glad he mentioned his relationship with God.

Because let's face it, that's the most important relationship no matter what age you are, but as we get older we think more more about spiritual reality and so I'm glad that he has a relationship with God, and I would say certainly focus on that and pursue that and ask God to show you how to be investing your time and your energy and helping other people know it's all fun as God leads us in helping other people that we do discover someone you know we wake up and say hey baby God has brought us together in this service project, and we get to know each other and it does lead to marriage so I wouldn't close the door on the marriage at the age of 65 or so, but I would focus on asking God to show you how best to invest your life in helping others. After all, that's the central theme of the Christian lifestyle is serving others.

So reach out to serve others. You going to find a lot of satisfaction in doing that and if in that context, or some other context. God bring someone in your life is be open to it, but the other thing I would say is don't rush to marriage if you do discover someone you both have an interest in each other. Take some time this walk and don't run into the new into a new marriage would your answer be any different to a 65-year-old woman in the same situation. I think Chris would be basically the same.

A lot depends of course on the person themselves and their some people that really have a hard time just living alone, you know they really want to be with somebody but again we can have deep relationships with people in meaningful relationships with people they don't lead to marriage but I think at the age of 65, you know. Please keep open to the possibility of what my wife told me Chris she said honey, if you ask a 1 to think you remarry. She said no I'm not going to write another one hurdle that's really good and I think that there is a certain sense, though, that as health improves. And people live longer 65 is not in maybe I'm in, I'm projecting a five is not as old as you when I was growing up 65 was ancient and now 65 doesn't seem that old know I think you're exactly right about that.

Just today. This morning I celebrated the 60th birthday of a colleague of mine on our church staff and one of the friends of said government reminded him if 60s is the new 40, there's some truth to that. Well, there's the answer from Dr. Gary Chapman and if you want to find out more about him take an assessment of your love language. Five love and if you want to ask a question on the program, 866424 Gary we won't take your call live but maybe on a future program you'll hear and answer 866424 Gary, here's another single listener who has question about what to do when there's distance between two people in a relationship. Gary was wondering what to do when my girlfriend orders life starting to become, to feel like she needs to be alone by loaning me single and what I do and she's unsure of whether or not to be an interesting thing to learn would be why she feels that way.

Is there something has happened in the relationship that she has realized in her mind. At least this is not going to work for us. Or maybe it depends on how long you been dating her. You know the average lifespan of what we typically call being in love or falling in love is two years and often couples will date for two years and then one of them will come down off that high before the other one does, and when they come down off that emotional hi they no longer have those euphoric feelings like you know you're the most wonderful person in the world.

They now begin to see reality and sometimes they began to withdraw from a relationship because they've lost those what we would call love feelings and they're seeing a few red flags waving, so that may be part of it. Another question I would have is whether or not she has been married before. I mean if she's gone through poor marriage and been mistreated or whatever. And here she is now.

Maybe in the second relationship dating relationship. She's thinking twice, maybe three times before she would move toward that relationship. So if she's open to still have conversations with you and sometimes people are and sometimes they're not. But I would just ask questions and try to understand what's going on inside of her and what has led her to this decision to withdraw back from the relationship. You know we can't force another person like us to want to spend time with us about the more we can learn about where they're coming from and what's going on not try to talk them out of it, but try to understand them, the better we will be able to handle it because if you can understand better what's going on inside of her heart in her mind maybe can give you a sense of peace. I know that in time someone breaks up with her since it's hard it's emotionally hard when you been close to someone dating someone for a time and have strong feelings for her for her or him and the other one draws back. It's a painful time. But remember this, God can use. Even the pain to draw you closer to himself so keep open to what God might be teaching you through this experience. So in a sense this is a gift that she is giving even though it's really really a hard gift to ask really deep questions about the relationship that might lead you further. Together we might find out something that draws her back to him. Or it might be a defining moment in the relationship that says this, this can't go any further.

But over all it can lead to some kind of a positive thing between them right think so.

Chris and the other factor is if there something about him that is caused her to draw back and he's willing to ask and let her share that with him. It could help him even if she even if the relationship doesn't go forward if he can see something about himself that he didn't see that she sees and you I can help them say okay Lord help me I need to make some corrections, you have some growth in this area.

Anytime we get disappointed in someone points out something about us that is gonna turn them off when you do take it as a what you said a gift and inside Lord, I want to learn from this experience is painful, but I want to learn because I really need to change that. If I'm going to have a relationship with anyone that's meaningful so on-site.

Try to learn something from it. This is our dear Gary broadcast for October and here's a situation that I think a lot of couples may identify with in their marriage and all for Tyler. I know it cannot get back had suddenly quit letting think buying a car that we had not paid money for Harris and all of the barrel at and I felt very faith he felt like trying to control how I will help recognize that there really go.

I like taking it.

You expect that there married like a number of levels fell.

Gary walked to the slightest saying it's not an uncommon problem in relationships. It can be either a wife who has a desire for freedom are the husband has a desire for freedom and freedom is a sometimes a misnomer. It's it's feeling that you're not controlled by the other person that you can make some decisions on your own now in a healthy marriage, the husband doesn't go out and buy a car without discussing with his wife. Okay that's my opinion.

We're in this thing together and togetherness means. We discussed things, especially things that big before. Before we make the decision be interesting to know if this problem is been there since the beginning of the marriage market. Something is happening for been married for 20 years and it's only happened the last five years if it's only happened the last five years. My question would be is there something inside of him that's going on that he is dissatisfied in the marriage relationship and is trying to find meaning somewhere else. So one of my questions would be what is he doing with his so-called freedom. Where is he going is into sports is a with a group of guys are as it doesn't involve drinking and alcohol. What is he doing with with this is desire to be away from you and doing other things that could be a real key to what's going on here because if he's going through but sometimes called a midlife crisis, but it can come anytime in life in which is really struggling with the meaning in his marriage and the satisfaction in his marriage and and feeling. Maybe he's not accomplishing what he needs to accomplish in life, and he's trying to find meaning all of that his relationship with God, although that's a factor in what's going on inside of him that here's the other dynamic. This wife said that she's been complaining a lot. She's been angry a lot. She's been expressing apparently negative words to him and his love language. She said, his words of affirmation, so essentially that behavior is driving him further away, because if is leveling just words of affirmation, but all he hears from his wife is condemnation and often expressed in anger toward him. He wants to stay away more of who wants to come home to hear that but the real answer is finding out what's going on inside of him sleep. What she said she is saying is going on inside of her is hurt. She's feeling that he really doesn't love her. He really doesn't make her a priority in his life. There's something else out there that's priority in his life and that's not a good feeling for a wife to have a minutes.

It's obviously something is going on that's painful for her so she has a right to be concerned about this, but to express that concern and anger simply makes things worse. Ideally I would hope that both of you would be willing to go for counseling and dissident with a pastor or counselor in sight help us figure this out now. If he's not willing or open to go for counseling that might be another clue that something's going on here. That's not not really positive. So without knowing more about what motivates him to be away from you.

More than to be with you that it's hard for me to say you know what what what could I would just like to call a truce on giving him what I call verbal bombs.

This no matter how painful you feel this don't throw negative, harsh, angry words out of him because that's really driving them further away. Look for some positive things that you can thank him for the book reflect pitching this week is on gratitude could be a good book for you to read.

Look for some positive things about him and give him positive words because of words of affirmation is his love language. That's a most meaningful thing you could do to draw him to yourself would be given positive words. I don't mean positive words about what he's doing but positive words about things you do like about it the more he hears you giving affirming words.

This draws them to you, the more likely he wants to go home because he knows he's gone be affirmed by you. So that's one of the most powerful things you could do to influence them and once you've done that for a while he might be open to explain to you more fully what he feels and why he feels he must go do whatever he's doing so I will try that and if you don't make some progress there.

I really would encourage you to reach out for counseling.

I like her spirit, and of course she's just been able to formulate the question everything for voicemail to Gary and she knows it will be on the radio so you know there is a certain sense that she's she's she's departing it well as well as you possibly can, but I just II hear and openness in her voice to say, look, I may be a big part of the situation of the situation here and I want to move forward.

I want to move toward him. I want our relationship to work out. I like that I like what I'm here and there, don't you. I do think her attitude was positive and she was acknowledging that she knew she in the past.

She slashed down and anger toward him and I think this putting all that in perspective as to whenever there's a relationship and there's a fracture in the relationship and were hurt. We we experience anger is nothing wrong about that.

It's normal to feel anger, but it's how we handle anger.

How we respond in a respondent anger and harsh words and critical critical way again. It makes things worse rather than better, but to express concern and to ask you, could we talk about this.

Could you explain this to me, but that is to come after she stopped giving the negative words and been given positive words for a while far more likely to be received if she if she waits a bit.*Dear Gary broadcast for the last day of October, and if you want to ask the question of Gary 866424 Gary is the number, leave your message.

Maybe you will hear an answer on the future broadcast 866424 Gary a lot of a married couple say okay, what's the next step. What would be best for us would separation be a good course of action in our situation. Let's see what Dr. Chapman thinks about this question all bottled water that Mary currently at one point short separation synthetic counseling without preparation like that way Like a dangerous rate their counselors that think Emotional pain that will make him want to get out wondering by can't sell rate or lease the current there's no problem talking conflict resolution. You can stack consummately needs are important. My emotional character that I think their church MCF Skype accident managed to basically anything. I continue to work on next.

Think anyone with any sense of the would certainly see you for this wife when you're in a relationship where the person is so self-centered and in life totally revolves around them and their needs and that you don't see the attitude of love, of how can I meet your needs can be very painful especially over long period of time. You know the old saying you cannot change your spouse that is very true.

But here's what many people overlook.

You can influence your spouse and the most powerful way to influence your spouse in a positive way is to speak their primary love language on a regular basis, even if they're not responding to you. Remember this, God loved us before we love God.

The Bible says he loved us and sent Christ to die for us while we were still sinners, so let's just say your husband's a sinner. I'm not talking about his relationship with God now just talking about you know he's not reaching out to you the most powerful thing you do influence him is to love him and his love language. So rather than complaining about his behavior because you said you haven't been able to talk her work anything out. If you speak is love here I give you a challenge for six months. If you know his love language. If you don't know what let's find it and maybe he'll at least take the free and tell you his love language are you can read the book and their ideas on how to figure it out.

You say God I'm going to love him the way you love me when I was a sinner and I want to love him in the right love language for six months, a Muggle make any complaints of this code 11 for six months and see what happens. I've seen over and over again that that person will begin to warm up.

They began to start saying things like anything I could do to help you. All you see their feeling affirmed by you. There feeling loved by you because you're speaking their love language whatever it is, and now there begin to reach out to you that I can't guarantee that that will happen that they will reciprocate. But that would be when if separation is going to be a helpful part of the process. It would be after the six-month period in which you have not criticized him, but you spoke in his love language fully on a regular basis then you can say to him you know honey, I know know how you feel about us but I feel like over the last six months I've given you everything I can and I tried to love you the best way I know how and it seems to me that you really don't care about me. I'm going to go for counseling and I would ask you to go with me but if you want. I'm going anyway because I'm having a hard time with this you go for counseling and maybe he will go with you maybe want, but maybe he will and then if paste and then you keep loving him in the right love language and if he doesn't go for counseling with your months later or so you can say to him you know honey.

It appears to me that you really don't care about our relationship and I love you too much to sit here and do nothing so I'm going to move in with my mother or whatever you choose to do.

I'm not abandoning you. I just love you too much to sit here and do nothing. I'm not leaving you. I'm not talking divorce but I have to I have to have some relief from this because I feel like you really don't care about me and then you follow through with that and you say to him when you go for counseling if you get some help with this problem. I'm fully willing to join you in marriage counseling after that, then you do that, he wakes up and says well I'm about to lose something about to lose something.

It's been wonderful and that's often what motivates a person visit. This often happens.

This same principle happens when husband or why, for that matter, is an alcoholic or drug addict that they typically do not reach out for help until they've they're about to lose something that's been important to them. But see, here's the common situation a person you're in your situation will condemn him and arguing and say negative things and not speak their love language for year or two years sometimes, and then they say I'm sick and tired of this. I'm getting out of here and they say good riddance because they're tired of all the condemnation all the negative words but sleep you love them for six months in the right love language you replace grumbling with gratitude for six months now they've got something to lose, and that's when temporary separation can be a positive step in a loving step in relationship.

Spouse says I don't want to be married anymore. Some people are experiencing that right now. What can you do, here's our next caller. I love language my wife and nontariff family members, parents, siblings, real masseuse in depth on focusing on Lori and I will be focused on other people in our marriage has suffered. Unfortunately my wife came to me and said her feelings changed and she doesn't want to be married and he wants to find not my decision. I'm trying to save my marriage make out of the house. I've been out for about two months. I need some help. But the book I wish I would days before we got Mary would've changed her marriage significantly I know that I don't think Lori wants read the book or go to counseling at this point trying to get some help to get us both to marriage counselor. Thanks for your help Gary like this very painful. Spouse says I don't love you anymore. I don't have feelings for you anymore and I think we need to separate don't want to be in this marriage anymore. It's very very painful you again.

You can't make her come back.

You can't make her agree to go for counseling or make her read a book. I wish she could read the book "The 5 Love Languages" because it probably would explain to her why she feels the way she does because she probably could look back on her marriage and realize how she hasn't felt love because you haven't been speaking her love language just like maybe you have felt low because she hasn't spoken your language.

Perhaps here's what I would try. What if a common friend, someone you know was her close friend, if you said to them, would you be willing to give this book to my wife.

Don't tell her that I gave it to you and ask you to give it to her just this letter that you've read it in and please if you have already read it first teller you've read it and you just thought that might be helpful might help her understand her situation. If it comes from a friend. She may be more likely to read it and if she starts reading it.

I have an idea. She'll finish reading it because it's really speaking to the deepest need that we have and that's the need to feel loved. I think that would be worth a try. Is have 1/3 party to give her the book and tell him tell her how much it meant to them and they think it might be helpful to her.

I would be my first step.

The second step I think would be to when you are with her, if indeed she allows you to be with her.

Like if maybe you have dinner once in a while or phone call that authors children involved here or not but when you are in her presence.

Be kind to her. Treat her with respect and dignity.

Don't criticize her for what she's what she's doing to the marriage don't make her feel like it's all her fault.

The other thing I would say is there is a place for you to apologize to her.

You said you wish you would read the lovely was book many, many years earlier and you look back and realize you have done some things differently. I think maybe to acknowledge that to her and just say honey, you know, I realized that I failed to in a lot of ways you and I were both giving to our parents and other people helping other people and I did like you priority and I missed you emotionally. And I want to apologize for that whatever happens in the future. I want to apologize for my failure, and in this relationship and anything that you specifically know that you did or didn't do apologize for and just ask her to forgive others not unnecessarily immediately turn around but it's going to cause her to go away and think well I haven't heard this before. She's gonna feel differently to you after you apologized and she may say offer give you without struggle and change my mind. Okay, that's where she is. You just accept that and so honey I appreciate your forgiveness because I really really realize that I failed to not hurt because I know I hurt you see when she sees that kind of empathy in you where you're feeling her pain again, it does something inside of her.

To cite, maybe something good is happening to him.

And then I would go for counseling. If I were you, I go by myself if she won't go with you because you need somebody to be sharing your hurt and your pain in your struggle and this is a pastoral counselor can help you do that and at some juncture at any juncture teller and I'm happy honey. I will be happy.

I'm open to go for counseling.

If you ever change your mind, but the time that you do have with her. Make it as positive as you can and affirm her for her faithfulness in ministering to other people through the marriage relationship and in whatever positive things she's done for you. Affirm those things. So I guess what I'm saying is try to create a positive atmosphere and try to grow yourself that I did write a book called one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart, which is another book.

In addition to the five love lines is that I think you might find helpful. So I would suggest that you read that as well. One more try and you can find information about that, get a five love that's a really deep struggle that we just heard about Gary. Now let's go to a parent/grandparent is going through a really difficult time and I don't want to put pressure on you, but she says you tell me what to do all follow it.

So here we go, and I did not MSN not make any contact with me and I have two grandchildren that I did not say here from three letters to take and feeling and and chance to talk and reconcile. He had not responded to my letters and invite them to family gatherings on holidays and I do usually come. It is sad that my son treats me like a stranger and he does not respond today when I asked him a question. In it he asked her first have talked with my pastor and in the matter and it come to the place that surrendering this to the Lord and waiting on and seems to be the only advice I did pray daily bankcard to open the door. My husband died three years ago with a broken heart of the situation and I need to make some decisions about moving to be closer to one of my the children as I grow older I listen to your program each Saturday morning and I'm calling now in hopes that you might have some time and truly it allows and I am willing to try out whatever I advice you might give. Thank you so much as a grandparent myself, I can feel the pain of his grandmother, two grandchildren, she can't see in the sun who will not relate to her daughter-in-law, who will not relate to. I'm never been through that personally but I've seen this more than once in my office and it is really really said it was you get older you hope that your children gonna be there for you ever love you, support you and be around 40 and you have grandchildren, you certainly hope that you can spend time with the grandchildren and it's painful when you cannot. Boy I wish there was a silver bullet here on what to do, but I don't think there is sleep. Your heart is open. The fact that you wrote three letters to him trying to share your heart and your hurt, and so forth is positive and yet he didn't respond to those three letters.

It does seem that he's deeply committed to his wife said that he would ask her before he would say or do anything for you or whatever but I hope they have a good marriage. Hope he doesn't feel that his wife is controlling him. Hope they have a good marriage even sadder if they didn't, don't underestimate the power prayer we say pray about it but prayer is a powerful tool of God.

I don't fully understand prayer, but just as teaching is a ministry prayer is also ministry it's a way to touch people's heart even though you don't talk to them talk to God for them on their behalf. So praying that God will open his heart and open his mind to the possibility of a relationship with you again and praying for that daughter-in-law, who accused you of something that you didn't do a praying for her that God would somehow touch her heart and open her heart in her mind that's a powerful way to influence them because God says, ask, and you receive and I believe that God does use prayer to touch the hearts of people so would strongly and I know you probably doing that already, but I would strongly encourage you not not to give up and praying for them. I think the second thing I'm glad to hear that you still invite them to the holidays and I'm glad to hear that they apparently come to the holiday celebration even though they apparently don't have any conversation with you are not done anything in depth anyway.

At least you get to see the grandchildren when there's a holiday situation so and I'm assuming that you buy holiday gifts of its Christmas to you by a holiday gift for them of that would be for the kids especially and I would hope that on their birthday. You send them a gift and along with the little card about how proud you are of the children again depending on their age, but I think reaching out to the children particular birthdays and acknowledging that would be a positive thing for you to do. Sending your your son a birthday card and if you know his wife's birthday sent her a birthday card sleep is just those little things throughout the year in which you reach out to them and let them know that you're still here and that you love them and that you're thinking about them.

Those things over a period of time. God can use to touch their hearts and only God knows how to break through to the heart of your husband, your son and your daughter law. Only God knows what would touch their hearts deeply and make them open to the relationship but incessantly like you, you've done about as much as you can do other than the things I just talked about her continuing the things I just talked about. And then, as your pastor said could put it in God's hands. We can only do so much of the prodigal son. His father could not make him come home and I you know his heart was broken, but he could make his son come home but God brought his son to the end of the road and the pigpen and he said I be better off back home and so yeah, God has a way of bringing people around where we can't we can't but he can't.

So yeah I would say don't give up. Don't give up and stir in terms of whether you moved to live closer to another child of yours are not of course that's a decision you can make is not one to start you have to make immediately but them and then will be up to you.

Ultimately what you do on that but sounds like you're living close to the one who is ostracized from you and maybe some distance from the other of the other child but those are my thoughts and I wish I had something that I could just say if you do this. This will happen, but I can't. But I do believe that that God can work in their hearts, and there can be reconciliation.

I've seen it. I've seen it happen with people I work with in my office. Not again.

That I gave them any magic bullet, but they were willing to be patient and they were willing to reach out and express love and concern over extended period of time.

One of the resources of four weeks ago we had Dr. lutes Ron talking about a practical guide for praying, parents, and in relation grandparents as well and I would suggest that for you to go through this daily. If you need some real help in hanging in there in prayer, and Gary, I have said that we have a real good couple that we know who went through this very same thing as matter fact their children. In other their son and daughter-in-law moved out of the country and took the grandkids and said what were never Whittlesey you anymore. That kind of thing and they hung in there in prayer and they just committed this to get God if this is they also honor the request don't don't call us don't get in touch with us. You have the date they honored that request and now years later a long time. Years later, the thought is beginning and they have a relationship with her grandkids again so don't. I agree with you. Don't underestimate go to the website. Five love you can find out more. You can even hear that program with Dr. Irwin lutes or practical guide for praying parents find out more. Five love dear, we had an email from someone asking a very short terse question that I think you'll read between the lines. What you do when your spouse abuses you verbally and psychologically, and he's a pastor. Chris and I think it's very difficult when the person that is not only the pastor the church is your pastor if you're his wife speaks to you and demeaning ways in harsh ways and painful and hurtful ways when he's to be God's leader of the flock very painful when you're married to that pastor and he's treating you that way you know again, I wish I had a perfect answer for that there would just simply turn things around, but I do think there is a time when there is a place to say to him, honey, I had a thought the other day and is to share this with you and to such think about it.

If every husband in our church treated his wife the way you treat me. Would you be happy with that and just let them ponder on that. He probably won't give you an answer unless if he is really aggressive. He'll come back in and then again verbally abusing for asking the question.

If he does that say it's a serious serious problem because your disposing of question and ask him to ponder on it.

If a pastor would do that.

I think a password like some changes through the years. I asked myself the question, if every parent if every father in my church treated their children the way I treat my children what I be happy with it and it's sobering it it makes you think you and and you can like some course corrections and the same thing true with your spouse. If every person in the church treated their spouse the way I treat mine so I would say pose that question.

Now if you been real critical with him over long periods like he verbalizes you and hurts you emotionally and and and spiritually. He hurts you.

There's a good chance that you have to you have reciprocated. Don't know but maybe you come back.

Also with that and in your hurt and anger and said hurtful things to him. And if that's the case then I would apologize for those things in spite of the fact that you're not the one who who started all of this you know your you are the recipient of this before you begin to give it back, but I would apologize for your part and I were to say honey, I realize that I have not responded well to you when you have said certain things to me. I guess I felt so hurt I felt so angry that I responded in an angry and hurtful way to you and I know that doesn't help the situation and I will apologize to you for that. So anything you can see in your behavior that you realize has not been the best response.

I would apologize for and again. Your example God can use the touch his heart because he knows there's some things that he needs to apologize for but for whatever reason, he apparently has not done that.

So one apology can also stimulate another apology so I would. I would say that's a good starting place and then again if you know his love language I would speak his love language on a regular basis and see if there's any change in his behavior over a period of time. But then there does come that place where you can say to him, honey. I don't know how you're feeling about this, but I really apologize for my own failure Tried to love you in a way that I think would be meaningful to you and to share with them your heart and how you feel and decide. I don't know. I don't know maybe you don't want to be married to me that was shaking up of visa pastor. Maybe you don't want to be married to me.

He hears you to begin to broach the topic again. It may motivate him to begin to make some some changes so those are kind of the beginning steps that I would take out ultimately I guess there is a place to talk with some trusted friend that's a mutual friend between the two of you. Some of it. She feels mature and then share the struggle with them with the house with a husband and wife and perhaps let them approach him and that would bring the two of you into a counseling setting. There's a place for that, but I think I would wait until I had apologize for my part, and loved him in the best way you know how to speak his love language for period of time and then take that can step was really hard questions here today and our featured resources as we been mentioning all throughout the hours the book by Dustin Pro. The grumblings guide to giving thanks really helpful as well as the other books that we mentioned here. Go to five love Find out more and call us at 186-6424 Gary if you want to respond to something on the program today or if you have your own relationship. Question 866.24427 next week. Husband and wife who will encourage us to live lives that invite others to Jesus dealt with the conversation in one week. Thank you to our action team within Janet's time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is radiant in my ministry and I thank

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