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Dear Gary - December

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
December 26, 2020 1:00 am

Dear Gary - December

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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December 26, 2020 1:00 am

The questions are in, your messages have been received, and it’s time for answers. Each month the New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages takes questions and comments from his listener line. And this week, it’s our final broadcast of 2020 and some great questions about marriage struggles, the love languages and more. Don’t miss todays December Dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are Seen on "The 5 Love Languages" Gary Chapman, the successful five land language and the needs of the EULA of the significant people in your life is emotionally my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite on the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Gary Chapman we love like we just on building relations With Dr. Gary Chapman change my referral would be like is our final broadcast of 2020 the last chance talk with Dr. Gary Chapman for the 2021. That's right, it's time for dear Gary, welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, the club just today on the cusp of a new you present calls new questions with the same rock solid biblical encouragement host is the one the only Dr. Gary Chapman and I wondered if you could go back and look at all the 2020 and all the changes of the struggles is there a snapshot of this year. You will remember 2020 customer Chris. I think it is the discovery of the value of technology were not first conferences that I've had through this year. I would've been silent except for the radio because all of my events from the middle of March. So the end of 2020 were canceled, some of them with virtual course, and others were scheduled for next year.

Who knows where will be as we move into the next year but but I think learning the reality that you can communicate with people you know online in a very meaningful way, and consequently many things I did not have scheduled for this year folks have called and wanted to do a virtual conference.

So to me that's been very, very encouraging. You know the new discovery really for me and maybe for a lot of other people.

I think probably people have done more. Assuming this this year than ever. But that's the right to use technology in that manner I have to ask you to those in your generation. Whatever that means: quote your generation there. There is a pushback about technology to a certain mix is almost a of not a disdain of it but kind of a fear of it that I'm like to be able to figure that out or at end.

That doesn't seem to be your Outlook. Well, you know, Chris. Fortunate enough to have people around me who can help me understand things that I don't understand about technology because my generation certainly doesn't know technology like that even the teenagers would today but as long as you're opened for people to help you you know you can get the benefits of technology and not get wrapped up in the things that might be detrimental in technology that's an interesting way to put it to be open to that. And I think that's a perfect way to put it that you know when you're open to learning. It takes a bit of humility to and getting over those hurdles. So thanks for asking that now our featured resource today@ is "The 5 Love Languages" devotional Bible and maybe you're looking for a way to dig into God's word and enrich your marriage. That's what this is all about isn't Gary well it is a description of this devotional Bible put together. I don't know just on 34 years ago and those who read it to funding and very very helpful and what we do, we take you on a journey from beginning to the here in Genesis to Revelation with devotionals you not read the whole Bible but selected passages and to be read devotional five days a week and then on the weekend for those that really want to dig into it. There's a good Bible study thing for them to do.

In addition to the biblical text as well as the devotional thoughts that are in the Bible.

There are also a number of articles on family life, marriage and family life, and an index so that if you are struggling for example, in a particular area like your spouse is going through depression or anxiety or whatever then you can easily find the articles that we've written all of them, of course, based on biblical principles. Biblical truth. So yeah, I think this this this Bible will be very very helpful to a person who wants to have a tool that a couple can use to gather its design ready to read the devotionals together, but you can also read them individually. So yeah, I'm hoping that folks will not take advantage of this because I think it does have a lot of practical value. When we start the new year out as well and you can find out more about "The 5 Love Languages" devotional Bible at the website. Five love again. Five love Gary been doing this program for a long time now, years and years.

I don't think I've ever heard this question about the love languages.

Here we go in greater back 30 years ago and at my work and affirmation. There are young adults. I'm realizing that no family really know how to get back to me and I think I try to fix light.

Maybe they think that my ego by doing anyway that service so I do feel that I do that not more than my left language the way that I can change my language. I think that it would be better off our marriage.

I have today I realized that I don't like to speak words of affirmation anymore. I would rather have nothing left language that I think he will do a better job can be such a great guy on more inclined to give it like you receive it, I would like to give up my higher forward affirmation so that I don't think our critics often said that we are to pray today that God would change whatever's inside of me that long work affirmation that he would change it so that I could elevate service as the greater left language have to appreciate the spirit this caller willing and wanting even asking God to change her love language so that she will feel not feel like she has to continually bring up the idea that she's not receiving love in her language. I would just say this to the list.

If God answers that prayer be sure, let me know okay because I think basically our love language does not change. It tends to stay with us for a lifetime think it might change momentarily in certain situations you know if you have 23 preschool children acts of service may not be your language, but during those years it probably will jump to that because you're overwhelmed but I think like many many personality traits the love language tends to stay with us throughout a lifetime. So it's okay though okay to ask God and that you never know. I'm not going to say that God will not answer their prayer because he may well do it but I do. But I do appreciate the spirit of the willingness, the desire to find something that is easier for my husband's. I think that to me on the human level. The approach to take would be to say to your husband every maybe two weeks or so on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love you feel coming from me, and if he says anything less than 10. You would say what could I do this week that would bring it up, and he gives you an idea you do that for a few few weeks down the road.

I have an idea your husband's going the question do you begin to suck you been asking the same question, let me ask you that question on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love you feel coming for me and she says whatever you say whatever and then he says what can I do to to bring it up and in you.

So, honey, you know, if you could give me one compliment a week I think would keep mellow thankful and I know you probably discusses in the past and you feel like it's hopeless, but I'm selling a little different approach might be the thing that triggers his heart in his mind to say I need to learn how to speak her love language. See love is a choice and he can learn to speak your lovely if you want.

You might make a list of things as they wanted to make a list. But if maybe he just this is hard for him to put things in the words if he has some statements that someone is written out for him. He can learn how to speak this love language and thus deeply meet your need for love II agree with you.

I like her spirit a lot but there's part of me that pushes back and says I don't think it's selfish to want words of affirmation. If that's the that's deep down inside it's almost like sitting at a table and it would be easier for me to to learn how to write left-handed then right right handed Simon to change and write left-handed and she's not going that far but easy is it trying to change something on the inside of you that the way that you were made that God made you to want those words.

I think her heart is saying I don't want to crave this to such an extent that I start not of feeling love toward him because he done speak my love language, but is it selfish to just want that. I don't think it is.

I think it's just human to desire, love in the way that that really communicates to you. I think it also, there may be a part of this that she's just tired of having to request words of affirmation, and she feels like it's being selfish for her to keep asking and asking and asking if it's not working, then obviously you need a different approach. That's why I suggested what I suggested because you know if you're saying I just fill up my tank is empty. I don't ever hear you say anything positive to me but that kinda comes across condemning to him you know and I kind pushes him away rather than drawing them out, but I think a good open discussion about this and I don't know how long it's been since he perhaps read the book on the love languages or took the quiz, but that would be ideal to get back on the front burner as to how important it is in a marriage to learn to speak the language of your spouse. 186-6424 Gary now. We received a call Gary from a listener who said don't use my voice. I want to remain anonymous and we can do that if you want us to, we can transcribe your question and and give it here on the program. Here is the next question then I've been married for 1/2 years.

My previous husband had the same high narcissistic tendencies that husband disappeared and my current husband. I don't know how much longer I can take living under these conditions.

So what is the biblical approach to living with someone who has high narcissistic tendencies can certainly identify with this caller and consents that the pain, the hurt of living with two husbands, both of whom apparently have a similar personality that is very very self-centered in the world centers around them. The tendency is to criticize them and to give negative words to them to try to help them change that behavior to the good that doesn't work because they're not going to take that something positive and respond to you because in their mind they know their right already.

I think what I would say is you begin with speaking their love language that I know that when you don't feel love yourself.

It's very difficult on the human level to speak love to another person. But remember God loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us and his love is poured into our hearts. If we open our heart is poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit so we can be God's channel for loving and unlovely spouse, and if you discover your husband's love language and set yourself a goal. I'm going to speak his love language at least once a week maybe twice. Depending on the love language and do this for six months and see what happens.

No criticism, no condemnation, just loving unconditionally at the end of that six months if he has not began to change toward you, and be drawn to you and asking you questions about what can I do to make your life easier. How can I express my love to you more effectively if he doesn't begin to reach out to you at the end of that six months then you have a hard conversation and you say to him I don't know how you're feeling about us but I really feel like that for the last six months I have done everything I can to show you how much I love you. I don't see anything coming my way and I don't know if you don't care.

I don't know if you don't want to be married to me, but I'm saying something's gotta happen in our relationship because love has to be a two-way street many times that conversation opens the door in the heart of the other person because they felt lot by you for six months and now you're bringing up the fact that there's a problem in this relationship.

So what you say to them is why I would like for us to go for counseling and I like to invite you to go with me if you don't go.

I'm going to go myself because I have to figure out what I'm going to do in the light of the fact that you make no effort to express your love to me is what we call tough love receipt, but tough love is best applied. After you had six months of giving him tender love and he's far more likely to respond to the tough love except that would be my suggestion on the approach you make. And remember, God can change people. I don't care what personality they have. God can change people and give them a heart of love and love always reaches out to enrich the lives of the other person so that would be my suggestion and in the meantime you're praying all along that God will continue to give you the ability to love him even when he's not lovely and you're praying that God will touch his heart and open his eyes so that you can have the kind of marriage God intended you. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Our final program of 2020 and go to the website. Five love you see our featured resource.

"The 5 Love Languages" devotional Bible, a great resource for you and your spouse to go through together again. Five love here's a question about the quiz that you'll find at that website.

Is it a scientific predictor of a person's love language. Let's find out your five love language quiz wondering if you stand by the accuracy of the question because that would gift or like a touch, I'm to pick a gift like Indicative of what I look for relationship or love that you correct question Chris you know that quiz is been out now for a number of years we have tweaked it a little here and there. In fact, I told her the other day 50 million people have taken the quiz and all the feedback we get is that it's it's really on target if it really does reveal the primary love language. I think when you take it. Of course need to be thinking about particular relationship, you know, if you're thinking about husband-wife relationship you're answering it in that context, not just in general so that might be a little part of the that stimulate the question on the part of the caller, but I think the accuracy is pretty high on the quiz so I would highly recommend people. If you haven't taken it, take it. It's free. I was just thinking of for a nickel for Nick 50 million units for this this this is to connect people together and help you show love. So what's your answer about we brought up the that the touch and the gift you know I would choose one thing or I take another but this is my this is what the, the, the quiz says what he said about that. Well, that's why I said have in mind a particular relationship. He's thinking about his wife are exactly is marriage thing that his wife and would have would an affirming touch from her are a gift from her, the one he would choose if he says I would choose the gift then that's his love language, but he's just thinking in general of people you know somebody patted me on the back. Give me a gift. I think the gift so you can be a little different for just thinking generically, but if you take the quiz, thinking about a particular relationship with spouse about your dating. I think you're going to find this can be pretty accurate.

That is really really helpful to go to five love Take the quiz and think about that other person that you really want to show love to you again get a five love Gary you talk about the process of healing after divorce. We've done that time and time again and you cautioned against jumping right into a new relationship, but even if you take your time, it can still be difficult. Here's our next call.

Seven-year-old with four children who spend their primary time with her mother in another town. Not so far away, but I don't see them very often just complications there with her mother And divorce five years now. After 16 years of marriage, and she left and took the kids that took quite a while. You can imagine to recover from, but by God's grace Nelson good friends really reach a healthy place to where just about two years ago now online Christian dating site that a Christian woman in another state really clicked and connected and not launched into a very supercold positive God honoring just fun relationship. She had been married before as well, but we were open about those things and really just beyond what I couldn't imagine it was great until this fall. After 18 months of being connected with her and I would travel back and forth quite often on weekends not connecting. She called to say be stepping back, not stepping out, stepping back and wanted me to work on some things in my own life and that is really girly for Luke and it's been four months now since I've seen her and local counselors on the left and actually was able to go out a Christian retreat center in Colorado to put to some intensive counseling just to help you walk through a lot of pain and those issues but it is hard and I don't know. After having read your book and listening to your program.

If you only 18 months or two years of Canada euphoria if that caught up with us. I'm not but my heart really hurts and I have a local counseling mentioned that I meet with and that helps and good friends, but nothing really no results, but the reason for my call is just to say I am very appreciative for your program.

I would listen. On Saturdays I would travel often to get together with this young woman not more recently negligent in your podcast but it's amazing how God used you have the question that your callers bring to really minister so I want to keep up the good work and making a difference and I am grateful.

Thanks, really appreciate this call and certainly can identify with the pain of a broken dating relationship. I think many people have been through that it's more difficult. I think at the age of 47 and a second dating relationship then it is when you're 16 or 21 no matter the age, anytime you are really emotionally involved with another person and that person is the one that breaks up with you. It is a heartbreak. It is painful and so what you're going through is a perfectly normal response to a broken romantic relationship. I think I want the things you want to do is to try to learn and I think that's what you're doing try to learn from this experience. That is when she broke up.

It appears as she said there's something she wants you to work on about your life, and of these apparently are some things that have she's observed in you and in the relationship and that she saying I can't go on with this relationship until these things are dealt with in the fact that you are going for counseling and you went to an intensive counseling experience as well is very very positive because it means you're taking this seriously and you are trying to learn from this experience.

Now, whether or not this will eventually lead to reconciliation in this relationship. Of course, none of us know, but you will be a better person for having gone to counseling and working on the issues that she shared with you because if there a problem with her then there probably be a problem someone else so you can deal with those things now and have substantial growth in those areas. It is for your benefit as a person and will also enhance your relationship with either her or someone else down the road so it seems to me like you're responding well to a very painful experience in terms of the breakup of a romantic relationship so I would just encourage you to keep your hand in God's hand that your trust be in God that he will work this out in a way that is best for you and for her because you certainly don't want to go into relationship and have it restored and get married and not be God's direction in your life so don't put all your stakes in this relationship with this lady you know that this relationship may not be restored. But God has a plan for your life, whether it's with her with someone else or weathers to walk alone and I know we don't want to think about walking alone because we are built to have relationships with people so just thank you for calling. Thank you for listening on a regular basis and entrusted to you will trust that you continue to grow through this experience and what he said there are about Gary and the program. We love to hear that just because he was encouraging, but that it's making a difference in your life and if you have that same kind of feeling about Building Relationships give us call leave a message, a note of encouragement or a critique of the program. I like to hear more of this and less of that 866424 Gary is our number that's our listener, line 186-6424 Gary a resource for our last program of 2020 is "The 5 Love Languages" devotional Bible. Find out more. Five love five love there is a strain on military marriages and Gary I know you have a heart for those who are in the military spouses.

In this call you'll hear how deeply they are involved in in the service of our country and if you had a pandemic to the equation. That's a real struggle.

Here's our next call are currently 36. I have three children. I quarantine the correct significant strain of languages. The QLI study group that really very beginning lately. Attention chats that meet Michelle Sarkar and the check that I can't really high time to each other and live needs to be shown like wall. How, maybe it's time for counseling because you feel like you are getting your part in your love language not much that I think I'm not a law really like you to hear Mary Kay Berkley very helpful to the Association of South was glad to hear.

Just toward the end of that call.

She has read the military addition of "The 5 Love Languages" because in that particular addition we use military illustrations and also we have a section on each of the love language is and how to speak those love languages when you are deployed and sometimes people think what you can't speak good physical touch when you're half a world away, but we have really practical ideas in the book on how to do that. I just share one of them we we got all these illustrations from military couples who have the concept. One lady said I knew that his love language was physical touch. So while he was deployed to put my hand on a sheet of paper. I trace my hand and mailed it to him with a note that said, put your hand on my hand. I want to hold your hand when he came home he said to me, Gary.

Every time I put my hand on that paper filter say it's not a literal touch its emotional touch, but that's what were talking about. And so there's plenty of ideas in that book on how to express love in all five languages. When you are deployed now let let me go back to the caller and in the basic heart that I feel her sharing and that is there now deployed in separate places. They're both in the military. He is in the pandemic that he is quarantined at home with one of the children she's she said 3600 miles away. This is hard, you know, the pandemic is change the playing field what's going on weathers military marriages are nonmilitary marriages and we are all having to make adjustments during this. But when you're deployed in separate places. It's even more difficult. Let me say that what you're going through is probably not abnormal. Okay anyone in your situation will be struggling right now, but I would come back to the fundamentals and then perhaps remind your husband let's go back to the fundamentals. I really want to communicate love to you know this is a hard time for you and I know that the being quarantined in all this makes even more difficult for you but I want you to know how much I love you and you communicate love in his language, long distance get the ideas out of the book and communicated to them and to say hope you hope you want to do the same for me and maybe we ought to cut that book again. Look at it take kind of that approach you know your view being the you're taken the initiative to tell him you want to you want to be there for him during during this time you mention counseling and certainly if there's opportunity for counseling.

You can always be helpful. Now when you're in one place. He's another place it's little more difficult. You can do counseling on zoom memory. There are counselors that do that and probably military I would check with the chaplain where you are and see if there's some counseling that can be done online, because the chaplains pretty much in touch with what's available in that but having 1/3 party with whom each of you can kinda share what you're struggling with at the moment can be extremely helpful. That's why counseling is so popular in our culture because it's so helpful, so I would certainly encourage you to see what possibilities exist for you all to have some perhaps online counseling until you can be that back in the same place be my thoughts and don't forget our featured resource today which is great for marriage. "The 5 Love Languages" devotional Bible we were right there at the website. Five love and the for this caller and others who are in the military thank you thank you thank you for your service to us to our country and the and keep going keep on going. Thank you for tuning in today to.

Here's a great call and I love the spirit of this mom she's going through struggle and in all the colors today.

Gary was just the spirit of I want to do whatever I can in order to make things better, but I'm struggling here and here's a mom struggling, who has a son and and she's not being treated as she wants to be treated.

So listen to this question married before starting to treat me like my greatest respectful and very cold front may make any contact I just had a big birthday card. I do take care my two grandchildren letter. He's the father wrote twice a week and when he comes home from teaching always set the doors open. The grantors open. In other words, go ahead and leave right away doesn't show any concern or interest in me wanting to spend time with me if I if I tried to communicate with them. He rolled his eyes, or the offer doesn't even respond exactly like his dad did I know the example set that he's choosing to follow it like I would love some advice. I would love to talk to somebody about. I want to honor God in my communication and my dealing with relationship okay thanks, anyway you could be of service to help to really appreciate it. Take care and God bless bye-bye to feel the pain in the voice of this caller and I think any parent not just a mother. Any parent who has a son or daughter who is now grown, but is showing no respect, no honor of parents can feel that pain and many, many parents have a fractured relationship with their adult children. I think the place to begin is to ask why that one possible explanation is one that the caller suggested and that is, he simply saw this in his father and he is now repeating the pattern and that's very, very common. That's why as parents we need to realize the example we set for our children is going to greatly impact and influence their behavior as adults.

So that certainly could be the root of the problem here. He simply following his father's footsteps.

On the other hand, I would also ask yourself is there something about the way I have responded to him or treated him that might cause him to be treating me the way he's treating me not saying there is. I'm just saying it's worth thinking about and asking God to help you see it. If it indeed it is there another possibility is that your son is involved in destructive behavior of some kind that he doesn't want you to be aware of and so he's just staying away from you because he doesn't want to hear you condemn him for drinking or whatever else might be going on in his life. So I think that that that's a possibility you have to reflect on whether or not this is true.

You see, if an adult child is not living a lifestyle of walking with God in their living their own life doing what they want to do and I know that there parent does not approve of what they're doing. They will tend to stay away draw back not have contact with that parent, sub.

Some of that may be what's going on here. I would just try in your own mind to think that through and ask God to help you understand what's going on. I am encouraged by the fact that you say you're keeping his two children, your grandchildren twice a week.

I don't know to keep them all day or evening or whatever but I mean that's an act of love. That's an active service to him. You would think if if things were normal. He would be very grateful to you and expressing positive regards to you for what you're doing.

Which makes me think there's something going on in his life that he knows you would disapprove and maybe have already disapproved, and consequently that's why he's drawn back so I don't how do you fix that. You know that's difficult it will be fixed without communication, but commute. Negative communication makes it even worse.

If you have a pastoral counselor in your area. I would encourage you to share this with them.

Let them help you think your way through.

What is the best approach with this. Obviously if you're son would go with you for counseling that would be even better. But I'm not thinking that he will because normally for persons drawing back. They're not going to go for counseling with you but at least you have someone that you can process your own emotions with and they could perhaps give you ideas week by week on things that you might try to enhance the relationship. The worst thing you can do is condemn him giving the speech about how he's not honoring his mother and etc. etc. that's the worst thing you can do because that will simply drive him further away if you can find things to be positive about and let comments about them to him as if there things in his life that she really appreciate verbalize them as opposed to giving condemnation see positive words give life negative words give death. Proverbs 18 verse 21.

Life and death is in the power of words.

So the way you speak to him I will have an awful lot to do with whether he begins to warm up to you whether he draws even further away from you. That's not the whole problem, not the whole situation but it's a significant part of how to bring healing. The other question I had was does he treat anybody else this way is it just his mom or are there other real out with other people's to stand in line and say he doesn't do anything to me or is this a personality thing and maybe it comes up more to her and she feels the more deeply because of the past, but we don't know that we don't that's a good question, but we don't. It is said Chris. It is sad when there's a broken relationship between parents and their adult children and listen their thousands of parents out there who are experiencing similar things with their adult children and then there's no easy answer to it. But I do know that condemnation of that child is not going to make things better. What can the love languages rekindle the fire that has gone cold. A lot of people have asked that question. Here's our final caller for today question writer part languages bookmarking not separate, but close to it and not really sure how I can figure out what my wife what language of talk and went out in a few weeks ago she she just says yes is not answer me anymore and she still loves me of the best friendships that have the same feelings for me and so I'm trying to figure out you know what love language. What can I do the way she feels about me and how to bring it back because I know most exchange so I would love to know if there is a way that you figure out her love language or see there's a backdoor into that try to get her to rekindle those that love that she wants out for me back thank you is always painful. Spouse says I like you as a friend but I don't love you anymore, but it's a very very common statement that people make because they don't understand emotional love and relational love. You know that the end love experience in which you discovered. If you read the book is has an average life span of two years and we come down off that high and we don't have those love feelings that we had during that stage of the relationship and that if we end up arguing and having disagreements and and that we create a negative atmosphere between the two of us we get to the place where we say things like that. I just don't love you anymore, which means in their mind. I have no love feelings toward you.

I have negative feelings toward you because of things that have happened in the relationship. So while it's a common experience. It's a very painful experience.

The question then is of the caller. What do I do about this and I would say to three things. One, I'm glad you're reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" because many people have told me "The 5 Love Languages" saved our marriage. I think the reason that is true is because the deep emotional need that all of us have is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And if you're married the person he would most like to love you. Is your spouse and when I say I don't love you is like a dagger in your heart. But if we understood that we all come down off the high we all get to the place we don't have those euphoric feelings. That's where the love languages is really the key.

Because now we understand that if I want them to feel loved.

I've got a communicate love to them in their love language and they communicate love to me in my love language not only what the relationship is and whether she respond to you on this or not but I would say honey, would you be willing before we make any rash decisions. Would you be willing to read a book that has so 14 million copies and been translated in 50 languages around the world and save many many marriages would you be willing to read it and tell me what you think about now. If she's super super negative toward you. She may not do that.

But if she's not super super negative sleep. I do it. The other approach would be if she has a close personal friend would be to ask a friend to read the book and then would they give her a copy so she may be more likely to read it from a friend than from you but any right if she could read the book and get the concept. What happens many many times is the lights come on in her mind and she realizes what's happened and she sees how it can be different, so that would be the best scenario is for her to read it. Get the concept. Take the quiz and you reading it and you take the quiz on your love language then you can discuss it openly and honestly, you can begin to try speaking each other's language and see what begins to happen and it does make a difference when you choose to speak each other's language that if she's not willing to do any of that. Not willing to read a book not written to even talk to you about the topic. I think there's three ways you can determine her love language. One is to look back over the time you spent together and ask yourself how did she respond to other people. Is she always giving people encouraging words and that's probably her language. If she's always giving gifts. That's probably her language. If she's always giving people hugs or pats on the back physical touches her language so just think about the past and secondly what she complained about most. Through the years. The complaint reveals the love languages. If she says I can never please you. She's telling you that words of affirmation is her language and she doesn't hear words of affirmation from you.

If she says we don't ever have any time together if you've heard her say that through the years. We just don't have any time together. She's telling you the quality time is her language. The complaint reveals the love language and they wanted. She requested of you most often through the years. If she says honey can we take a walk after dinner. She's asking you for quality time if she's a honey, can we go out for dinner.

She's asking for quality time so you put those three things together. You can probably figure out her primary love language then you begin to speak it. Whatever opportunity you have.

Even though she said she has no feelings for you. You began to speak that love language and began to see what happens if C says man what's going on with you while you treating me so differently you can decide what I read this book that it opened my eyes and I realize I have not loved you in a way this meaningful to you and I have let you down, and I deeply regret this but I'm learning what I should have been known many years ago but I'm learning it and I don't know honey, you might want to read this book. I think you might find it helpful. Also, sleep your behavior toward her, paves the way to open the door for her to hear this concept and what's happening and you why you're changing so those are my suggestions on the steps you can take obviously we cannot make someone returned to us are go on living with us, but we can change ourselves and we can begin to treat them differently and we can by loving them unconditionally in the right love language have a tremendous influence on their thoughts and their feelings so to me that's the direction to take. What a great way to end the program today. There is a lot of hope here and Gary you told the mom who had the struggle with the sun. The worst thing you can do is condemn him.

Would that be the same thing here. The worst thing that the husband could do would be to you don't love me and you don't to condemn his wife absolutely crisp because condemning her simply pushes her further away, but to speak her love language has the potential of calling her closer to well thank you for that question that you called in at 866424 Gary maybe today you say I got the perfect question for Dr. Chapman 186-6424 Gary would love to hear your calling your question in the new year. Don't forget to check out our featured resources. Five love languages devotional Bible find that whole lot more. Five love next week.

What we can learn about relationships from an Old Testament prophet name back. Don't miss a conversation with Dan aggression one.

Thank you to our connection to work hard all year. Steve waking Janice time getting relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's radio and was a minister 35.

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