Student of Love | Laterras Whitfield

He's known as the relationship whisperer, and you'll hear him today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. I don't care what race you are, what geographical area you come from, whether you're rich, whether you're poor, there's a connection. We all want to be loved. We all want to be seen.

We all want to be heard. And if we allow ourselves to be students, to learn each other, then the world will be a better place. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chabman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, producer, cinematographer, and award-winning podcast host Leteris Whitfield will encourage you to become a student of love.

And that encouragement echoes something Dr. Chapman has said through the years. And it's really the power behind "The 5 Love Languages" . If you are a student of those you care about, if you really know them, You'll say, I love you in their language and not just your own. But I want you to tell a story here at the start of the program, Gary.

You were a guest on Leteris' podcast titled Dear Future Wifey. Tell me about that.

Well, it was really a great time. I always went to his studios and Sat on a real soft couch, and we just relaxed and had a good chat with each other. And I was, first of all, fascinated by the name of his podcast, you know, My Future Wifey, and the fact that he writes a letter after each of his sessions, he writes a letter to his future wifey. Of course, he's gotten married since then, so I'm wondering if she's reading all those letters that he wrote her.

Well, let's find out. Here's the other thing, Chris. Several times, at least a dozen times since I was on his podcast, when I would be speaking, leading a marriage conference. A person would come up to me and say, I first heard about you on the podcast, My Future Wifey. I said, oh, okay.

Well, wonderful.

So he's impacting a lot of people on his podcast. And I'm glad to have him on our Building Relationships program today. Yeah, his name is Leteris Whitfield. He's a three-time Emmy-nominated producer, cinematographer, playwright. He hosts the two-time Tele Award-winning podcast, as Gary mentioned, Dear Future Wifey.

You can find out more about him at buildingrelationships.us. And our featured resource is his new book, Student of Love: Your Guide to Discover, Uncover, and Recover Healthy Relationships. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.

Well, Ataras, welcome to Building Relationships.

Well, thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to it.

Now, I get to turn the tables on you. You were asking me all those questions when I was on your program, but now today I get to ask them. You okay with that? Yeah, I'm ready to sit in the hot seat.

Okay. I think I'm remembering right. You are now married who was then your future wifey. Is that right? Right.

I met her about two years ago, and we were platonic friends up until March of this year when I asked her out on our first date on March the 18th. Proposed to her July the 13th. We got married November the 22nd.

So it was four months. Uh, prior to so we met. I mean, we dated, went on our first date four months later, got engaged four months later, got married, and we've been married for three weeks.

Now, has she had time to read some of the letters that you wrote to your future wifey? Listen, Dr. Chapman, we've been on the road so much traveling around that we haven't got a chance to even be home to even read anything at this point. But I told her to keep that box.

So anytime I make her mad, then go open up the box and read it so she'll know that I prayed for her existence in my life.

So read a letter to. To see me differently. All right.

Well, I think there's enough letters in there that ought to be helpful to her. Absolutely. It's over 300. It's about 300 of them. I want you to treat your personal.

Present wife. You know, the way you talked about the way you wanted to treat her in all those letters, okay? Absolutely. That's the goal. That's what I wrote it.

The Bible says, write the vision, make it plain.

So that's what I did. That's good. All right.

Now, let's talk now about your book. What inspired you to write this book, Student of Love? And how does it connect to your journey as the host of the Dear Future Wifey Podcast?

Well, uh, I decided to write this book because I never wanted to become who I became in my past marriage. I've been very open about my infidelity in my past marriage. I went through therapy, went through healing, and I said that there's some things that we can learn about love if we're humble enough to sit at love's feet and allow love to teach us. And so I went on this journey. I've been divorced 10 years prior to remarrying.

And in that journey, I went through some extensive healing, reading books, going through therapy, launching the Dear Future Wifey podcast, where I was able to sit as a student and listen to my guests share their insights, their testimonials about their own relationships, whether it was marriages or those that have gone through divorces or those that are in their single season, not even desire marriage again. And so I sat as a student listening to all those guests share their stories and I used that to compile it in the book, Nuggets and Gems that I extracted from those interviews, as well as my own life lessons that got me to where I am today.

Well, I mentioned earlier that you wrote a letter to your future wifey every time you had a guest on your program. Can you tell me more about the first letter you wrote to your future wife? And how did you get that idea? Because I've never heard anybody else do anything even similar to that. I was in this very toxic situationship.

Your listeners may not know what a situationship is, but a situationship is something like a relationship, but there's no commitment, but you're doing the things of a relationship, but you don't even value each other enough to commit to one another.

So I was in this toxic situationship with this woman, and I woke up with tears streaming down my face saying, Why am I dealing with this? This is not the man I want to be, and this is definitely not the type of woman that I should be entertaining. And so I wrote my first Dear Future Wifey letter January of 2018. And in that letter, I wrote who I am, what I desire to be as a man of God, and the type of woman that I wanted to marry, and the level of transparency and vulnerability that she and I would share. And so it came at a very dark season of my life where I was able to see a ray of sunshine in my future and decided when I launched the podcast two years later.

That I would make that a staple. That at the end of each episode, I would write a letter to my future wifey as I did two years prior. Yeah. It's an amazing idea. As I told you when I was with you, I just never heard of it before.

But I think it's a great idea. Yeah, when you host your podcast, you're not just looking for good answers or more information. There's more to it than that, right? Absolutely. I used to say at the be the after launching my podcast that I believe that each guest Is a patch in this quilt of love that I was building.

And so every guest, whether they had some outlandish view of marriage, then it made me become very resolute in what my desire and what I believe the kingdom marriage looked like. And so I would listen to them knowing that this is the mind frame and the mindset of secular thoughts out here in marriage, but it made me become very resolute. Or if I had guests that have been married 50 plus years, such as the Chapmans. And I was like, you know what? This is something I aspire to.

I would love to lock hands with my future wifey and build legacy like that. And so you were very, very impactful in my life the time that I was able to share with you that full day to just hear how you saw love, how you cultivated love, how you were very honest about how you didn't get it right all the time. You know, you made mistakes. Y'all had disagreements. You'll think that somebody as wise and profound as you would be such an expert that you would have no problems in your marriage.

But that's not the case. And when you're dealing with two. Adult individuals that they all see love differently. And so, again, I just want to thank you again for sharing your wisdom and insight with me on the podcast. Yeah, well, I appreciate your spirit and attitude of doing the same thing because being honest with people about our own struggles and all of that is the only way we're going to help people.

Otherwise, they're just thinking, well, you don't understand my situation, you know. Exactly.

So let's come back to this whole thing of love, a student of love. Can you give us your definition of love? Because you say that word and we all say the word love and we all may have different ideas even of what the word means.

So what is your definition of the word love?

Well, my high-level thought of love is God is love. And so when everything From God, then we have to have a relationship with God to truly know what love really means. We can read 1 Corinthians 13 and we learn the attributes of love, which is love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrong. You know, we can hear that, read that, and recite it, but on the other hand, On the highest level, God is love. Once we develop.

A rooted and grounded relationship with God, then we'll learn how to love. Mankind on a different level. Even when mankind does us wrong, even when mankind betrays us as Judas did Jesus, or even when mankind quote unquote crucifies us, then we're able to say, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. That's the highest level of love. No question about that.

He is the model. Right. Yeah. So you describe yourself as, and I'm quoting here, the relationship Whisperer. Yeah.

Now how did you earn that title and what does it mean to you?

Well, my guests and my audience gave me that title because when people come on my podcast, they're not, you know, as a people, we're not really open to share our deepest, darkest secrets. And so guests will find themselves opening up in ways that they've never opened up before. They'll sit on that yellow couch and share stuff that after the end of the episode, they'll go, I can't believe I shared that. I've never told a soul that I did this. I had a guest come on my podcast one day that he told me before, I said, I want your wife to come on the podcast.

And he said, well, she's not going to talk much. You know, he has a podcast and he said, she's not going to share much. She's going to sit there and be quiet. I said, well, just bring her on there. He's like, I'm telling you, she's just, I said, well, I love the fact that you're a relationship expert.

Then I would love to have him have her on the podcast. We'll see what happens. And she sits on that couch. She starts opening up, sharing stuff. He said, what did you do to my wife?

She has never shared stuff like this. What in the world? It was hilarious. R.C. Blakes, his name is Bishop R.C.

Blakes. He said, What in the world did you do to my wife? And so it was moments like that that happened on my podcast where guests would audibly say, I can't believe I'm sharing this. But I, I, I. I want to create a safe space On this, you know, in this corner of the internet where people could share their truths without judgment.

But it first led with me being transparent and vulnerable, saying, I don't have no stones to throw at you. I have no heaven or hell to put you in, but I do know what hurt looks like. I do know what pain looks like, and I do know what healing looks like.

So if we can all submit. To this thing, then we can actually become better. And so people will say, Oh, you're in a relationship whisper. You get people to open up in ways they've never opened up before. Yeah, and that's a great trait.

It really is, and I think that's why your podcast is so unique in many ways. I agree.

So Latoris, in Student of Love, you encourage readers to adopt the mindset of a student. rather than an expert. Why is this perspective so important in relationships? The most painful thing is to be in a relationship with somebody that acts like a know-it-all. And that comes from a place of pride.

If you're dealing with somebody that believes they know everything, then that's not a good partner. But if someone takes the heart posture of a student that says, teach me how you see love, teach me how you want to be loved, teach me how to love you better, then that's a place of growth. And so I say that we all should have the mindset, the heart posture, the wherewithal to say, I don't know you, I just met you, whether you've known that person for a year, two years, or even if you've been married to that person for 10 or 15 years and you believe that you know them, the version that you're meeting of them at 45 and 55 and 75 is a different version. That's a 75-year-old version of that person. And so you get the opportunity to learn and relearn your partner over and over again.

So a matter of being a student of your partner. Absolutely. You have to be your partner's greatest pupil. Isn't that kind of what you talk about, Gary, with the five love language? You got to know the other person in order to love them well, right?

Yeah, because if you just love them the way you want to be loved, chances are you're missing them emotionally because they don't have the same love language that you have. And there's a lot of areas that just like that as well.

So I think that's a great, I like the concept. Your book covers topics like uh heartbreak, healing, and intentional love. What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about recovering from heartbreak? That is the end. A lot of times, people be in relationships and it don't work out, then they go, Well, I guess God don't have nobody out there for me.

They'll start speaking word curses on their future. And so, heartbreak should teach you something. I believe that every heartbreak, if you're wise, if you're humble enough, you could extract something, some teachable lesson about you because you have to always take accountability that you chose that person. You chose that person to be in a committed relationship with or not be in a committed relationship with that person. Y'all could have had whatever dealings y'all had, and y'all never could quite get to commitment.

Well, you chose that person to be in your life. You have to be able to sit and learn from that experience to help you grow better. And I promise you, if you take one step in front of the other and keep moving on through life, you'll see the reason why you had to experience that heartbreak, that failure, that letdown, because what's on the other side of it will be so. worth going through the storm. Yeah.

So learning from the hard things that we experience prepares us better better prepares us for the future, is what I hear you saying. Absolutely, Dr. Chapman. How has your personal journey shaped the lessons and insights that you share in this book, Student of Love? What I did, I don't try to give theory in my book.

I just speak as a student.

So I'm the guy that sits next to you in the classroom, or maybe I got in trouble and I was put in the back of the classroom or the front of the classroom, wherever my seating position is. We're all just students. And so I use the stories in my past. I use the successes and failures of my past and extract from that to let you know this is where I went wrong. And I don't even look at failure as the end.

I look at it as failing forward, that every decision that we make, every wrong turn that we've made will always get us to our destiny if we keep living, keep breathing. And the Bible says people will overcome by the word of our testimony and by the blood of the Lamb. I use my testimony all throughout the book to let you see that I overcame and I still believe in love and I was able to manifest love in my life with my future wifey, who now is my wife. And so I take people on that full journey. I thank God that we were able to get married November the 22nd before the book comes out because it shows a full circle experience of me becoming a student.

And I wrote in the book, this is powerful, I wrote in the book and the dedication her name as Mrs. Whitfield, as Miss Ashley R. Whitfield. prior to me even proposing. That's the level of faith that I had.

I said, I'm going to write that. And my editor said, Are you sure you want to do this? Like, this is pretty big. And I said, Hey, I'm standing on it. If I want to be a student of love, I got to go ahead and turn this paper in now.

So I didn't want to get a reprint. I said, let me do it now. All right.

So, there's a concept in the book also that you mentioned that caught my attention. It's called. Cuffing season, C-U-F-F-I-N-G, cuffing season. Can you tell us what that means and why it's important?

So cuffing season was derived from a time, especially like during the ice age when things were cold, people would put their bodies together for warmth and survival. What happens in the winter months, normally about a couple of weeks prior to Thanksgiving and all the way to about a week before Valentine's Day, studies show that people get into these temporary relationships. Because psychologically, we've been programmed to find a mate during the winter months for survival that you'll get in these temporary relationships for quote-unquote warmth, whether that warmth is intimacy or whether that warmth is just having somebody during these holidays to take to the Thanksgiving dinner or the Christmas dinner so you don't feel so alone in front of your family and friends. And so for those decisions that we make during cuffing season, you'll have to pay the price for it around Valentine's Day when you find yourself alone because you had somebody temporary that now you have this soul tie with this person that was meaningless in your life.

So in other words, are you saying Uh during that season of life Uh we need to be careful that we don't allow ourselves to make decisions to begin spending time with someone that really is not going to be a long-term asset in our lives or we in their lives. Absolutely, because in the book, I teach that comfort season isn't about love, it's about temperature control. It's like cold weather, holiday photos, family questions or fear of being alone. We push people into this temporary relationship, but there are some permanent consequences. And really, Leteris, you're pointing out the meanness of a relationship because that cuffing season concept is all about that person.

You know, I want somebody here with me rather than I want to pour my life into someone, I would give myself to that other person. That's a different kind of love, isn't it? Yes, absolutely. Totally different love. is that that love lacks intention.

So you want a love that's very intentional and permanent, a love that can weather all seasons, not just the cold ones. Yeah, that's what a healthy marriage is all about. You're exactly right. Yep, absolutely.

So the Dear Future Wifey podcast has been praised for creating a safe space for vulnerability. You talked about that a little bit earlier on. How do you bring that same authenticity to your book? It's just the overflow of the podcast. And so in the book, You hear it in my voice.

is nothing different. It's just more in-depth about my perspective on it. With the Dear Future Wife You podcast, it's more of the guest perspective, 75% with about 25% of me interjecting my thoughts. But this book is 100% my thoughts and my feelings, the way I see love, the things that I've learned from love. And I use examples from my guests, stories that are nuggets that I've extracted from their stories and how it's impacted me.

Let me ask you this. How how did you and your your present wife how did you meet? We met while I was doing the Dear Future Wifey podcast at Cali Worship Center. That's the the pastor is Erica and Erica Campbell. And Warren Campbell, they're the pastors of the church, and so they invited me to do the live podcast there one Sunday morning.

And after service, I was in the sanctuary. She walked up to tell me how much she loved the podcast. Before I knew it, I grabbed her hand, walked out into the lobby holding her hand, caught myself like, why am I holding this stranger's hand? And I asked her, you know, if she would DM me on social media so I can get her phone number. She had told me that she had asked, well, basically, she knew a couple of friends that had been on my podcast, so mutual friends.

So one of those friends was in town and she said, hey, maybe we can all go out to eat later on this evening. And so I had two recordings that day.

So I couldn't that evening, but the next afternoon, before I got on my flight, I asked if I could just see her before I got on the flight to meet me at the rental car place. And she did. And we had about 15 minutes to break bread. And basically, we just had a cup of coffee. And well, I had a smoothie.

And then we went to the airport and she dropped me off. And I just couldn't stop thinking about her. And so we just built a strong platonic friendship for about a year and four months until February of 2025. The end of February, I had a dream that she was with another guy.

Now, the whole time, she had been open and talking to me about guys she was dating. I did the same. And so there was no jealousy. But then, I don't know what happened at the end of February because I had a dream about her being with another guy and it made me upset.

So I called her and I was like, hey. I need to see if there's more to this than this platonic friendship. I would love to take you out. Tell me your earliest availability. She told me it was March the eighteenth.

I booked a flight to LA while I was on the phone with her and flew to LA and the rest was history. I've got a question. I've got a question to follow up on that. How did you know then, Letaris, that you were. ready to marry that how did you know that you had really healed and you're you're ready to wed Well, I did a lot of work, not only just personal therapy, but I call it group therapy because my podcast was a tool of therapy.

But I had accountability men around me that held my feet to the fire. And I knew I had this burning desire to remarry. I didn't do this podcast just for fame and attention. I did this podcast as an open letter to my future wifey. And so I couldn't just keep.

Having this podcast of 10, 15 years and never got married, I felt unsuccessful if the time kept moving forward. I felt unsuccessful in my personal love life. And so I prophesied to myself in 2024, September of 2024, that I'd be married by the end of 2025 with no prospects in sight. I was like, uh-oh. And so, as the time started getting closer, the first quarter started ending, I said, Man, like this is scary.

And I actually was like, well, maybe I won't get married. I'll just get engaged. And my therapist, Love Night Pharson, she told me, she said, no, remember, you said that you wanted to be married. Why are you getting scared now? And I was like, well, I mean, I just, and I started making excuses.

And then she said, you've always said that you wanted to go from friend to fiancé. That's a moniker I would say on my podcast all the time. She said, now is your time to stand on it. You have this woman in your life that you see as more explored. I think it's great.

So then I started bringing her into my therapy sessions. We started doing pre-engagement counseling. And we just started tackling all kinds of stuff, upbringing from her side, my upbringing, and really started dealing with the truth about can we do life together. And the Holy Spirit just kept showing up that this was the person I was supposed to be with, you know, same with her. And even the therapist weighed in, like, y'all have something great together.

And so I made that step.

Okay. You're listening to the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Letaris Whitfield wants to help you become a student of love.

That's the title of his book and you'll find it linked at buildingrelationships.us.

Well, La Terrace, you were talking earlier about you're getting premarital and pre-engagement therapy together. Which I highly affirm you for that. What are some of the things you learned about each other and all, or just things you learned in that process?

Well, one of the things that I learned was that I had based upon how I was raised, I have this innate desire to protect women. I had to balance that out now dating and being engaged and then getting married that I couldn't prioritize. Like she and I had a conversation one day about if. I saw somebody on the street you know, uh, being attacked or whatever. It's not attacked.

If a man just kinda like was Out of pocket with the woman, how would I respond to it? And I remember saying, I'll jump in and I'll, you know, I'll defend her and all that. which is my nature growing up the way I did. But my therapist was saying because that would not be comfortable for my wife asked me for me to go and go to another woman's defense. And put my life in jeopardy.

So here I could have gotten killed because I'm protecting this other woman, so to speak. I had to start dealing with that childhood trauma about why did I feel such a need to be such a protector and to balance that out in marriage and to only prioritize my wife on that line or my kids. If I'm gonna put my life on the line, it needs to only be for my wife and my kids, but it can't be for a total stranger like that, based on just childhood trauma.

So it was things like that. And just knowing that. We were raised differently. She was raised as an only child. I was raised with four other siblings growing up, mom and dad in the household.

She grew up in a single parent home with just her mom. I grew up in the South. She grew up on the West Coast.

So just those dynamics alone can unearth a lot of different situations and circumstances where you have to give each other grace to say this isn't their experience. She grew up where not that she was privileged, but she grew up with more money in the household than I did. You know, I grew up struggling. And so just even that to How we manage money. She's more frugal with her money.

I'm not so much.

So I even told her early on, at the very beginning, I said, you'll be the person that will manage our finances because I respect the way you manage finances.

So I relinquished that to her early on to say, when we get married, you will do that. I love going out and making money. I'll do that and I'll help you. I'll allow you to help me keep it.

So there you go. If every couple would do that kind of premarital, they would set themselves up for a much more successful marriage. No question about that. So what is one takeaway from Student of Love, the book, that listeners can immediately apply in their relationships? that in every relationship, whether it's romantic, whether it's familial, whether it's your working environment with coworkers, that you got to allow people to have the grace To learn them and not try to dictate how they're supposed to be based upon how you are.

And so, when we become a student of love, we become a student of people. We become very masterful on how to deal with people, with their personalities, knowing that it's not a slight against you if you feel any type of dissension. Just try to find a moment of connection. We're all connected. I don't care what race you are, I don't care what ethnicity, what geographical area you come from, whether you're rich, whether you're poor, whatever that is, there's a common thread between all humans.

There's a connection. We all want to be loved. We all want to be seen. We all want to be heard. And if we allow ourselves to be students to learn each other, then the world will be a better place.

Yeah. Now you've worked with some of the most notable voices in culture on your podcast. You mentioned that earlier. How did those conversations influence the content of this book? Oh, it was highly influential because I literally used some nuggets that I've learned from the people on my podcast.

I had this friend who later became my friend from being the guest on the podcast named Kariga and Felicia Bailey. And he said something to me that has stuck with me since 2020. He says, differences aren't deficits. A lot of times we think that because we're so different from other people, that is something wrong with them. Is something wrong with or we may end up internalizing and say, well, there's something wrong with me because I don't see things the way other people see it.

Well, I mean, the reality is allow them to see The way see life, the way they see it. Differences aren't deficits. And so the guests that have come on my podcast have spoken things to me. Just casually, that they have no idea that has lived with me, that has shaped my idea of love, to know that when I hear guests talk about how they thought a particular person was their spouse or they've had these ideas where their spouse is going to look a certain way, be a certain height, have a certain career, and they've suspended that idea to actually Fall in love with the person God had designed for them, it shaped. The way I see love, the way I see this world, and it's allowed me to be a conduit to take other people on this journey to say, hey, maybe there's some tweaking that we need to do.

The reason why you haven't found the one in your life is because you need to divorce your. your preferences and get married to your core values.

So I say that. It's like divorce your preferences because a lot of times we say, my type is this. This is my type. And that type hasn't gotten you anywhere but heartbreak. I want to jump in here, Gary, and ask because I watched the video, the podcast where Dr.

Chap moves on with you, Leteras. And when he told the story of him and Carolyn, and he had come to the end, you know, he was really at a place where he didn't know what to do, you know, to, if Carolyn would just do what he said, they'd have a good relationship. And he told that story of just this picture in his mind of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. And fear and when he told that, when he started applying that to his marriage, I was watching you and you was like, you you got it. You were really moved by that, weren't you?

Yes, absolutely. I was about to break down in tears. The reason why that was so impactful is because that's how I see marriage. I see marriage from a place of servitude. And so often as men, we're not taught what doctor Chapman was saying.

So we're taught that, yeah, do things my way and we'll be, this whole thing will be better. You'll be a better woman. I'll be a better man. Just do as I say. But when you lead by example and you lead from a place of submission, that's what Jesus Christ did.

He washed his disciples' feet.

So you had the king of kings washing his disciples' feet. And so I believe that the greatest leader should be the greatest follower. And so you should be able to follow and lead by example. And so when Dr. Chapman shared that with me, Oh, I was almost in the puddle of tears because I was like.

That's what I wish more people understood because that's what I had committed myself to before I even took vows. I said, God, whoever you bring into my life, I will always be walking in a level of submission to her. And we always get opposite. It's like woman, submit to your husband. But we forget the part where the Bible says submit ye one to another.

Right. Right. An attitude of service. It makes all the difference. You're right.

What advice would you give to someone who feels stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationships? Go get therapy. You don't even realize the patterns that. See, a cycle is just a pattern.

So you may not even understand that you have an unhealthy attachment to the wrong thing. If you keep finding yourself gravitating towards that thing that keeps destroying you, you need to go get somebody else that's professional to be able to look at that thing and be able to discern and start healing those unhealthy patterns in your life. Because you'll trace it back. I'm telling you, nine times out of ten is going to trace back to some childhood trauma that made you think. that that's the way life was supposed to be seen through your lens.

And you started choosing these type of people based upon childhood trauma. The Bible says when I was a child, I spoke as a child, but when I became an adult, I put childish things away. And so we are operating in an adult body with childish thinking. If you go unearth that trauma in your childhood, you'll be able to deal with it and break the cycle. Yep, I like that.

I like that. Letaris, there's a chapter entitled Be Comfortable. with being uncomfortable. What do you mean by that? In the situations like, think about it, if you had to have a tough conversation with somebody, that is not a very comfortable thing.

If you had to talk to your spouse or even your boss, whoever it is, insert whoever, that is an uncomfortable thing to share something that you don't want to share. But get into a place to where you're so rooted and grounded in who you are and that you become a student of love, but not just a student of love, but a student of truth and vulnerability and transparency that you'll be able to share those things that naturally make you uncomfortable, but you get so comfortable being uncomfortable that you run to uncomfortability. Because you know that's where growth that's where growth exists. Yeah. So you might have to start out by actually saying to the person, I feel a little uncomfortable sharing what I'm going to share with you, but I really believe that it's important and I hope you hear my heart.

That part. You don't just hold all these hurts and struggles inside, but you seek to verbalize where you are in the journey, right? Absolutely. Because what happens is when you don't do that, it builds to resentment. And the other person and then when you actually word vomit, two months later, six years later, all the offenses that you've been keeping a record of, then the person is like, why did you just say that five years ago?

You know, they're going to always say to you, why didn't you just say that last month? Why didn't you just say that last week? Because you've been ideating over this offense. when sometimes when you actually talk about what the offense was, It could have been where you misinterpreted it, that they said, no, I didn't even mean that like that. I really meant this.

And you're like, oh, but you've been a whole week went by, two weeks. God forbid, two months have gone by where you've been ideating over this offense that wasn't even that person's intention. Yeah. You know, there's a part in the book, and this will give listeners an idea of what is in the book. You say you fail at those kind of conversations plenty of times.

Tough conversations are the stuff most people try to avoid, like it's leg day at the gym. Actually, some of y'all, and by y'all, I mean all of us, try to avoid the gym altogether. We've all been there, paying for a whole year of membership only to use it a handful of times. Nobody wakes up saying, you know what I'd love to do today? Confront that awkward thing I've been avoiding.

But here's the truth I've learned, mostly the hard way. Avoiding the hard stuff doesn't make it go away. It only makes it grow, just like those love handles when we neglect our body.

So there's the vulnerability in the writing that you do, right? Yes, yes, because I'm one of those people that avoid the gym. I remember I was telling myself, all right, at the top of October, I am getting ready to get married.

So I'm going to be in the best shape ever. You know, and I'll wake up too tired to get out the bed to go to the gym. And so I made myself a promise that in my relationship, I was not going to do that. I'm not going to avoid those tough conversations because I know what happens, you know. apathy starts setting in.

And I want to make sure that I literally start talking about stuff at the very beginning, so it doesn't build to resentment. Yeah. Yeah. You know, another thing you talk about in the book is having a mission statement. Why is that so important?

At every corporation They have mission statements. Churches have mission statements. Nonprofits have mission statements. If there is no mission statement, you don't even know the goal in which the or the culture that the company has. And so I believe that if companies find it important, nonprofits, churches find mission statements important, then I believe every marriage should have a mission statement.

And then, not only just the marriage, but then the family as a whole, that the family should be able to sit down, kids get them involved too, and say, hey, let's develop a mission statement for our family so that we all know the goals, the mission of that relationship, the mission of that marriage, so that we can all get there together and we can all have a huddle point. And the huddle point is that mission statement. Then, when things start going awry, we're like, hold on, we don't act like this as a family. Remember, we never put money before our family because if you don't have that, then every job can take you away, every opportunity take you away, and if you have a core value or whatever, that mission statement is a very important thing. Statement is, you'll be able to hold true to what that family's mission statement or marriage is.

What's the heart, what's the kind of the gist of your mission statement? To be honest with you, my wife and I, we're going to be designing that in the next couple of weeks. I was going to make that as a part of our, you know, our 2026 vision board, quote unquote, because I want to sit down and give it a lot of thought. She just moved in last week, so it's a lot of moving parts. And so we'll sit down and really ideate over that thing and find out what our family mission statement is going to be, where our marriage mission statement will be.

My personal mission statement, though, which I tell everybody that's single should have a mission statement, was my personal mission statement was to fulfill the will of God in my life with all gifts and talents that he has given me to impact the world and bring souls to the kingdom.

So that's what it was.

So that's why, at times, if it's the Dear Future Wifey podcast, prior to Dear Future Wifey, it was plays. I would use my talents and my gifts to impact the world, to bring souls to the kingdom. At the end of each one of my plays, I would do an altar call where I have an invitation for people to accept Jesus Christ. And so I always knew that my life was to impact the world, to bring souls to the kingdom. I can't think of a better mission statement.

I love it. Lataris, in the book you talk about graduation, and you say you believe that graduation is a process, not a moment. Uh explain that to us.

Well, in school, You graduate senior year, college, you graduate senior year, get your master's degree, you graduate. And so those are those moments that are Those staple points where everything is the culmination of this moment. All the years culminate to this moment where you put your cap and gown on, walk across the stage. But I believe that graduation is even deeper than that. That graduation, when we talk about being a student of love, is when you take your last breath, when they throw dirt on your grave.

So, throughout your whole life, there's certain milestones that you'll go through where you may graduate single life because you get married. Then you may, if you never had kids and you graduate bringing your first kid into this world, then you graduate, you know, your kids getting up, leaving the house. These all these different milestones that happen. But the greatest graduation is when you take your last breath and you go to see our Heavenly Father, and God says, Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Which is what we all would hope uh we would live that kind of lifestyle.

You're right. Well, you know that what I like most about your podcast and what you've now written Uh is the fact that you focus on the person you're talking to or you're writing to. Uh you're not telling them how to change somebody else. Yeah. But to look deeply at their own lives and what's going on inside.

So that's kind of the heart of your approach, right? Yes, because I said love isn't about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person. And right can be subjective. Right is not they said a man thinks he's right through his own eyes, but right is where you become whole, knowing what it is that you desire and what you want. And then you discern your partner Bye bad.

Core value. And so it's not about somebody else fitting or checking off a list. On some paper that you done wrote together is about you being able to be right. See right, see clearly, and right for me just means clarity. Being able to see through clear eyes.

what is compatible with you, and then doing the work to get there. Hmm. Letaris, there have been a lot of people you've had on your podcast. But there was a couple that made a big impression on you, the Griffins who were married for 51 years. What did you learn from their lives and their love together?

I learned that love is an amazing journey. 51 years is 51 years with a person. And so they've gone through health crises. They went through educational where she wanted to go back to school to get her degree. He was there in the snow waiting on her to get out of class.

They've had kids together. He became a pastor. He left his nine to five to become a pastor where he wasn't making money. She thought that he had lost his mind, saying, You're going to leave this good corporate job to pursue being a pastor, and you don't have nothing but about 30 people that want to join your church.

So love is about taking risks. Love is about allowing each other to fulfill their dreams. And so I learned so much from the Griffins because it taught me that real love, true love, It takes time, it takes commitment, and it takes grace on giving each other the grace to become who God wants that other individual to become.

Well, Ataris, I have really enjoyed our conversation today, and I really, really am glad that you've written this book. And I think people can tell from our conversation today, this book is real. I mean, this is helpful. It is written in the language of the common person. And so, I just want to thank you for your efforts in putting the book together and for what you've done on your podcast and for being on our program today.

And so, may God continue to give you and your wife wisdom as you continue to walk life together now.

So, God bless you, and thank you for being here. Thank you so much, Dr. Chen. Again, the title of today's resource is Student of Love, Your Guide to Discover, Uncover, and Recover Healthy Relationships. It's by our guest, Leteris Whitfield.

And you can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Again, look for that featured resource right there: buildingrelationships.us. And next week, what are the nine lies that will destroy your marriage? Don't miss that important conversation in one week. Our thanks to Janice Backing and Steve Wick for their work behind the scenes, Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman as a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening. Love Moody Radio?

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