Dear Gary | November

The relationship with my daughter is in the toilet for want of a better word. My husband has been gaslighting me, cheating on me. I have really been struggling like what kind of support can I bring? Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

Today, our post-Thanksgiving Dear Gary broadcast featuring your questions, some feedback about the program, and much more. It's coming up straight ahead on Moody Radio. Here's our number. If you want to ask a question for a future broadcast, 1-866-424-GARY.

Now, we won't take the questions live today, but you may get an answer on an upcoming Dear Gary conversation. 1-866-424-GARGER. Gary. Gary, we're just past Thanksgiving and we are hurtling toward Christmas and New Year's. We've talked about this before, this kind of magical time for families, but it can be a really hard time for singles.

And I know that from our featured resource today, you have a heart for those who are single and struggling with their circumstances. What do you want to say to them today?

Well, you know, Chris, I did. I worked with Singles and led the Singles ministry in our church for ten years.

Some time ago.

So I really got in touch with the emotions of a lot of single adults during holiday seasons. and especially Christmas. And so I would just say, you know, remember God is always with you. Even if you may be by yourself. And I would say also, reach out.

Take the initiative. If you don't have a group that you're already a part of, then look for a group of single adults because many churches have single classes that meet various times during the week. And we need each other. And so I just encourage you to reach out to your church or if your church has nothing, maybe check out another church in town to see what they might have. We need to be communicating with other people.

God is there, yes, and we want to communicate with Him every single day. But God also wants us to have friendships.

So reach out during this season. Take advantage of invitations you may get to join with any group in the name of Christ. Amen. And I think that there's this idea that singles are morose and they're all lonely. And then we'll do programs on singles.

And I'll get phone calls or emails later. It's like, stop talking like this is the worst thing that ever happened to us. I'm thriving. I'm flourishing in my singleness. Yeah, there are struggles that I have.

So I want to say that as well: that singles don't have every issues that every other single has, right? Absolutely. Just as married couples are very different, individual couples, so singles are very different. And yes, there are lots of singles that are having a very productive life. They are using their skills and their abilities to reach out and serve others in the name of Christ.

And uh and they're just enjoying life.

So we don't have to be married to be happy. In fact, there are a lot of married people that are unhappy. But happiness is not our main goal. Our goal is to know God and to please God by investing our lives in a positive way. And two, as this program states, build relationships.

And that's why this featured resource I think will be a help to any single. "The 5 Love Languages" , Singles Edition, The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships. You may have some great relationships, but you can always make those better, you know, go deeper in those relationships. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Building Relationships.

US. Let me ask this question from a single listener, Gary. He writes I was listening to a teaching program on Moody Radio, and I became convicted by the command to honor my father and mother.

So I recently re-established communication with her.

Now he doesn't mention what the problems were in their relationship, but it sounds like there was a fracture there and he had to kind of move away from that. And then he writes this, Ever since I began to talk with her again, I have lost my peace. I question if I did the right thing. should I go back to zero contact? What would you say about that, Carrie?

I know that sometimes when we reach out to a parent like you have done, that it can feel unnatural or it can cause anxiety and other feelings inside, but I still think it's worth the effort. Because God loves your mother. no matter what she's done or hasn't done. And you are in a position to communicate to her some things that are positive about her, because surely there are some things that are positive. And when you continue to try to build that relationship in a positive way, I think you're an instrument of God in trying to bring healing.

We can't change our parents, but we can influence them. And what we want to do is have a positive influence. Hmm.

Well, and I like the fact that he said, I felt this prompt that I need to do this.

So he's open to God at work at his heart and in his life. And it's this, you know, whatever has happened is making him question that.

So that he's open to what God wants him to do is a really good thing, I think. Yeah, I absolutely You know, we're not responsible for what our parents do. or what they fail to do. We are responsible with how we invest in our lives. and how we reach out, you know, especially to family members with whom we may have some struggles.

It's always positive, I think, to reach out. Your answer mirrors The questions of parents who have called in here and have said, you know, our son or daughter has moved away from us, zero contact. And you've said basically the same thing to the parents.

So if there's a parent listening who has a child and they want that relationship with them or they're wondering, how do I deal with this toxicity with a son or daughter? Your answer is the same to both parties, right? Absolutely, Chris. If a parent realizes there are some areas where they failed in the past, with this a young adult. Then start off with an apology.

Ask God to show you what your failures were and start off with an apology. It doesn't mean that there's always something and it doesn't mean there's always your fault because sometimes our adult children make decisions on their own that violate the scriptures, that break our hearts. And so I understand, but I would say If there's got to be a breakup. On an adult child who has made some poor decisions, and particularly those that violate what the scriptures say. Let them be the one that breaks the relationship.

Don't you break it off and say, well, if that's the lifestyle you're going to live, then I'm not going to have anything to do with you. You're no longer my son.

Now you have no influence on them. But if you keep the door open, and you continue to have some kind of relationship with them. you now have the possibility of continuing to have an influence on their lives.

So don't take the initiative to break off the relationship. Take the initiative to be kind, to treat them like a human being whom God loves because He does, whatever their lifestyle. He loves them. He wants to have a relationship with them.

So let's be His instruments in expressing love. Even when our adult children are unlovely, because that's the way God loves us. When we were still sinners, He sent Christ to die for us. Loving the unlocked U.S. All right, here's our first phone call for you, Gary.

A good question about screens and adults. Hi, Gary. This is Mark with Navigating Tech Family, and we have briefly met at the recent AACC World Conference. And my question or comment for you was if you've noticed an increase in issues with couples specifically. I know that you recognize issues with the kids, but with couples in regards to screens, social media, and stuff like that.

So that was my question.

Well, the short answer is yes. That is, I have seen arise in conflict over technology.

Now, I'm not anti-tech, okay? And I think there are a lot of good things about technology, and it can really help couples. You know, you can FaceTime when one of you happens to be out of town on a business trip, and a lot of other positive things. But I do think that we all have the temptation. to spend all of our free time online.

In fact, just a few weeks ago, I had a young man say to me, He said, Gary, my wife and I watch television sometimes together. And but we don't watch the commercials. When they come on, we put it on mute, okay? And then both of us pick up our phone and go to our phones rather than talking to each other. And we do that the whole program.

And I thought, this is not good. We're not having communication. We're not sharing life. You know, we're both involved in our phones.

So that's an example. of the kind of thing that can happen very easily to couples. We all develop patterns. And so I think another thing I had a wife say to me, she said, you know, Dr. Chapman, he's 30 years old.

But he plays these games online like he was a teenager. I mean, there's a lot of other things that need to be done.

So obviously. Technology was influencing her attitude toward him.

So, yes, I think there are many ways in which a couple can allow. technology to pull them apart. rather than bring them together. But don't just be an anti-tech person. Let's talk about how we can overcome some of these things that are troublesome to us.

The same thing with singles, because I think I hear from a lot of singles that it's a real struggle to stay off the phone, to stay off social media, because that's where you feel connected with other people. But there's with all of that comes all of the noise that you get from the internet, social media, and all of that.

So you have this constant state of anxiety about everything everybody's upset about that they post online. Which takes me to one other question here. And thank you for that question. If you have a question for Dr. Chapman at 866-424-GARY.

When we first started this program, online dating was just starting to ramp up.

Now it's everywhere. There's all kinds of websites. Do you still feel the same way about finding a mate online that you did years ago? You know, I questioned this in the early years, but I tell you, I'm meeting a lot of couples who actually met. from those online dating services.

A part of that Is because they don't know where to go in their community to meet singles that might be their appropriate age and people they might be interested in. But I would say this. We have to be very careful. about what we see online and the way the person is described themselves or the way uh they come across. And we never should get super serious until we can spend time with them in the real world.

And I know that that's typically the pattern. We meet online and then we decide somewhere down the line: well, let's get together, let's have dinner, let's do this. But if the person is three or four states away, that takes some time and effort and money to do that. But I do think we should always have a significant amount of time in which we are seeing each other face to face. We are going to each other's churches.

We're going to the youth groups. We're discovering each other's vocation and seeing them in the real world rather than simply going on what happens while you're online.

So I think it's just a matter of using wise judgment and not Assuming that the impressions you have while you're online Reveal the true nature of that person. That's a good answer.

Well, I like that. And again, our featured resource, if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see it right there, "The 5 Love Languages" Singles Edition, The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships. All right, here is a new one for you, Gary. I don't think we've had this question in the last 18 years that we've been doing it. Here we go.

Gary, my question is Euroled. In the first chapter I believe it's the first chapter of your book of The five languages of apology. My academic background is in the field of anthropology. Study of human culture. One of the clear conclusions of the anthropologist is that all people have a sense of morality.

Some things are right and some things are wrong. I recognize that you have a Christian background, a Christian education. at Hoyton College. But would this statement apply? across all anthropology books, all anthropology courses, state universities, et cetera.

That's my question. Thank you. Chances are uh no. But the reality is, when you really dig into it. Anthropologists are studying how cultures are organized.

And we have never discovered a culture. Where there are not Right things and wrong things. Even those that have no contact with the Bible or Christianity and all of that. There still are things that we do and things that we don't do.

So that's what the anthropologist is studying.

Now, whether an anthropologist would make the same statement that I made or that all anthropologists would say that, that's probably not true. But I think it is true that we have never discovered a culture where they are not right and wrong. We are moral creatures.

Now Christians, we believe it's because we're made in the image of God, and God is a righteous God, and God has given us things that are right and things that are wrong. But I think in cultures where they have no contact with Christianity, there's still right and wrong things to do. I love that question. Thank you for calling with it. And here's how you can do the same: 1-866-424-Gary.

And remember, if you're single or you know someone who is, check out the featured resource, Gary's book, "The 5 Love Languages" Singles Edition at buildingrelationships.us. All right, Gary, these have been really fun questions and a little more easy. Easier than others, and this next one is really difficult. It's from a mom who wants a relationship with her daughter, but. There was sexual abuse in the past.

Here's that tough call. Hi, Gary. The relationship with my daughter is in the toilet for want of a better word. She has never forgiven me. Because she thought I knew.

and I did not call the police. I have apologized. a thousand times to her. Our relationship is between miserable and neutral. How can I use your love languages to fix it.

Thank you. Bye. I'm assuming, Chris, that it was the father who molested her as a child or a teenager or whatever. And she assumed the mother knew about it, and the mother did not report it, the mother did not do anything. I'm also assuming that the mother, in fact, did not know that she was being molested.

Now that was not clear. I'm just reading that into what she said. And this is a very, very difficult situation. There's no question about it. I can understand the daughter's perspective.

If she has the sense that her mother knew this was going on and did nothing about it, then I can see how she would be deeply hurt by that mother. But if the mother did not know what was going on, She said she apologized. I don't know... Maybe she did know and did not report it. That's the other alternative.

And that, of course, certainly calls for an apology. But it's difficult for a daughter in that situation To accept an apology, that that's just supposed to erase everything in her heart and her mind. But on the other hand, I have to say this. You cannot bring peace to your daughter's heart. That's something God has to do.

And so I don't think even the love languages can can bring peace to your daughter. though I do think, if you know her primary love language, Certainly to speak that language to her would be a positive thing. it would have a positive impact rather than a negative impact. In fact, if she's never read "The 5 Love Languages" , if she's single, I would give her the book we're talking about today, that is "The 5 Love Languages" for Singles. And if she's married, Then I would give her the original book, "The 5 Love Languages" , which is written for married couples.

And just say, you know, this book has sold 20 million copies. It's helped a lot of people. And I thought it just might help you and your husband. and just give it to her and let her read it. That way she gets associated with the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" .

Then you can look back and maybe have a conversation with her. Honey, you know those love languages? When you were growing up, Did you feel loved by me? Because I'm wondering if I spoke your love language back in those days. I know I hurt you by not reporting your father, but.

Maybe I wasn't speaking your love language at all. How do you feel about that? What I'm saying is, you can have a conversation about this concept. that may open up. Uh, her heart.

and your heart to understanding whether she felt loved or didn't feel love growing up. Obviously felt hurt. Particularly if you knew this was going on and you did not report it, she feels hurt. And the apology does not necessarily take away the hurt. But I think having a conversation about love Especially if both of you know the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" , does hold the potential.

of bringing some measure of understanding and then perhaps healing in the relationship. Yeah. Let's assume that this was maybe it was the father, maybe it was another family member that was there, and the mother did find out about it because she said, and I didn't call the authorities, didn't call the police. Let's assume she knew that and she put that other person ahead of her daughter. As you said, you can understand why the daughter would feel, you know, mom, why didn't you do that?

I don't want anything to do with you now. With that in the equation, if that's what happened, it's going to be really difficult to repair, even if the mom apologizes over and over and over again. And that might bring in the whole apology language aspect of what you and Dr. Thomas have written about: that the daughter doesn't feel like her mother really owned. What happened back there, and has not she said she's sorry, but she really hasn't apologized.

What do you do in that situation?

Well, you're bringing up a good point, Chris, because I think You know, we discovered there's five basic ways that people apologize. And if you don't apologize in what we call their apology language, that is what they consider to be a sincere apology. You can say I'm sorry a hundred times, and it won't communicate to them sincerity. And so understanding those five apology languages, reading that book, may help the mother in this case. to learn that there are more ways to apologize.

then she can form an apology that maybe includes all five of them.

so that she is really seeking to communicate her heart to the daughter in a way that the daughter will tend to sense more her sincerity.

So that could be that could be a great step in the process of seeking healing. Yeah, because it almost sounded to me like the mom, I want a relationship with her, and I'm so sorry about this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And she wants that relationship, but in order for it to mend, there's got to be a deeper contrition or, you know, maybe I'm so sorry, but maybe you call the authorities now. I don't know what happens there.

But that might lead to something that where you get into a deeper relationship. I agree, Chris, because obviously, if indeed she knew and didn't call, I mean, that's a serious thing to a young daughter. That her mother would not step up, you know, and report this person.

So. Uh you know, a simple I'm sorry doesn't communicate deeply to her. But if you learned how to apologize in a deeper way and asking questions like, you know. What can I do that would bring healing to you? I mean, I realize I've hurt you.

I'm willing to go with you to counseling if you're willing to go, if you think that would help. You know, you're just really reaching out to communicate not only that you feel badly about it, but that you realize how deeply you've hurt her. Apology and then love in the right language, those are the steps to reconciliation or to possible reconciliation because we can't make someone reconcile with us. But we can make efforts, and these would be the two avenues, I think, that we should follow.

Okay. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast, and you're listening to our monthly call-in that we call Dear Gary. Our featured resource today is "The 5 Love Languages" Singles Edition, the secret that will revolutionize your relationships. Find out more at buildingrelationships.us or go to fivelovelanguages.com.

And don't forget, you can help someone with your question. Call Gary's listener line at 866-424-GARY. It's 1-866-424-Gary. Leave your message. You might hear your question or comment on a future Dear Gary broadcast.

That is exactly what our next caller did. And she is responding to a man who called us a few weeks ago. His wife had passed away, and he was in a relationship that broke up, he said, because his friend didn't respond well to "The 5 Love Languages" book.

So here's her response to his call. Thank you, Erie. I was listening to the broadcast today and a gentleman called in saying that He felt like the five love language book. might have been an issue causing or having an influence on losing a relationship in his life and While I listened to his explanation of that, As a woman, I kind of wondered. If his lady in his life kind of felt like maybe he was using the book like a methodology.

which honestly would be a turn off instead of really letting the relationship blossom and grow a little separated from the group book with maybe knowledge from the book helping it. That wasn't discussed on the program today, but I thought I felt that when I listened to his explanation. that maybe she felt like it was more cookie cutter and she wasn't interested in that. being used in that way.

So I just wanted to add that input, and I hope you have a great day. Thank you. Well, Chris, I think that's a good observation on the part of this listener. Because we don't know what's going on in somebody else's mind, but I can certainly see. If a husband is dating this lady, his wife is dead, he's dating this lady.

He suggested that she read "The 5 Love Languages" . Of course, we don't know what he said to her and how he said it. But it can come across This man is trying to get me to love him in his love language. And so she sees it as a manipulation. Or she sees that he's trying to put me in a category.

And there's some individuals, wives and men as well. Who don't want to take any personality test or anything like that because they don't want to be put in a pigeonhole.

Okay. And so I can see that may be a possibility, as well as a possibility that she felt like he was trying to manipulate her into speaking his language. They've been dating a while. He wasn't feeling that she was communicating love to him in the right way, and he wanted her to learn what his love language was.

So at any rate, When relationships break up, whether it's the man who breaks it up or the woman who breaks it up. We ought to ask what can we learn from the breakup. Because many times there's something we did or didn't do that led us to that stage. And so asking them, you know, why did you make that? You've made the choice.

It's your choice. I'm not going to pressure you. But tell me why. Uh I think that would help me understand and maybe help me be a better person in the future. And that caller's response just points out, Gary, how important it is to be a listener.

You know, to listen and you listen well to that man. I remember that call and the struggles that he had. He was going through a lot of grief at the same time of losing his wife and then this new relationship.

So perhaps the book that we're talking about today, "The 5 Love Languages" Singles Edition, would be helpful to him as well. Thank you for that response. If you want to respond to even her response, 866-424-Gary, leave your message, 866-424-Gary.

Next up is a caller who needs some advice on how to be a good friend. Hi, Gary. I'm originally from Cameroon, but I've been in the U.S. for the last 16 years. Your program has been such a blessing to my life.

I listen to that every day when I pick up the kids from school. Such an encouragement to my marriage.

So my question for you is, how do you respond to a frame? Who is telling you she's going through a divorce? I have really been struggling, like, what kind of support can I bring? I mean, I know I have to love them, but But I think my tendency is always to be like, why didn't you try to repair to to do counseling or to do something. I always have those kind of questions and I feel like it's the wrong approach.

Like what should be the way to handle that kind of information? And then thinking more like a friend that I I have known for ten years, right, five to ten years in that range of time. Um yeah, thank you so much, Gary. Appreciate you. Bye.

But I'm encouraged that uh this caller recognizes uh that when people get to the point of talking divorce As a friend, especially as a Christian friend, what are we supposed to do? How can we be a friend in that process? And she mentioned, you know, do I say, well, now you ought to go get some counseling before you do this, or you ought to read a book before you do this. It may come across as you don't understand. You don't understand my situation.

Far better to let a friend tell you their situation. Maybe they have been to counseling, maybe they've been to more than one counselor. Maybe there's been multiple affairs. There may be a whole lot of things going on that you don't know, even though you're a friend. They haven't shared those things with you.

But since you are a friend, It's okay to ask questions because when you show interest in, you know, what has happened, you know, what have they done, what brought you to this decision that you're thinking divorce, then they realize you're empathizing with them. You're feeling some of their pain.

Now, there is a place, you know, after you've had that kind of conversation, depending on what they have done already, there is a place, you know, to recommend a book or recommend a counselor or that sort of thing.

Some years ago, I wrote a book called One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart. And it is written to people who are thinking divorce.

Sometimes they've already moved out. They're already separated. The book is challenging them. Make sure you've tried everything. Don't just bail out because it's painful to you.

Let's make sure. Maybe there is one more thing that you can do. And so there's a place to, you know, give that book or recommend that book, and there's a place to recommend, you know, there's a good counselor at our church that I, before you make the final decision, I would really encourage you to go see her or go see him.

So there is a place for that, but it ought to come after you've asked what they have been through, let them share their pain and their hurt and and why they have come to this uh conclusion that they're actually thinking about divorce. Which takes us into that whole question and listening and the empathy thing that we're going to talk about here on the program in the coming weeks. But the way to open up that conversation, it sounds like what you're saying, is when you ask a question and you listen well and then you follow up, well, tell me more about that. And what was that like? And you really mean it and you really listen.

If that person sees that you really care about them and you want to know what they've been through, they may be down the road more open to what you have to say or they will ask you.

So what do you think about all that? Right. Absolutely, Chris, because when we express interest in others, asking questions and empathizing with them, you know, and saying, I can see how you'd feel that way. I mean, oh, man, I can see how that hurt, how deeply that hurt, you know. They see that, that you're very interested in them and you're empathizing with them.

You're not preaching to them and telling them what they ought to do. That has to happen first. And when they feel that, and since you're a friend, and when you already have a relationship, then that kind of empathy can go a long ways. And later on, down the road a little bit, them asking you, what do you think? What do you think?

And then you have a chance to share an idea that you think might be helpful. Gary, our next caller, really wants to love her husband well. and she wants to use the love languages. But she has a problem. Hi, Gary.

Um, I have a question about loving someone with mental illness. I love and adore my husband. I know his love languages and I know what's important to him. And after I read your book, I was able to love him far better. Our marriage improved.

However, D suffers from Severe PTSD and um some other issues. How Do I proceed when I'm never sure if the love language is going to work with him because of where he is. in his mental health journey for that day. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated.

Well, that's a very difficult question, Chris, because with the mental health issues. It radically affects a person at any given point.

So I would say, and hopefully this is already happening, that getting him to a counselor that can walk with him through his particular situation. would be very, very, very helpful. Because if we love the person, What we want to do is meet them where they are. and when they're unhealthy mentally then that's the place we want to meet them and express love to them. And so perhaps it's already going on.

I'm assuming it may already be going on. He's in counseling. But if not, I would say that's one of the best things you can do is to say, I love you so much. I want to help you. And so let's find a counselor who knows what you're struggling with and can help you walk through this.

But let's say that's going on. Then let me come back to her question is, how do I know? I know his love language and I've been speaking it and at times it seems to be very, very positive. Other times it doesn't seem to connect with him. And I don't think there's any one answer.

As to what you can do on those occasions, except maybe to you just to recognize: okay, their response. is due to their mental illness. not due to the fact that I'm not expressing their love language. Because sometimes we want to blame ourselves, you know, that, well, maybe I should be doing it differently or whatever. And the other thing I would say is, keep in mind.

that it's not just a person's love language. That we want to be speaking.

Sometimes there'll be another love language that would be more meaningful to them at a particular time.

So to say to him, for example, And I've encouraged a lot of couples to try this approach. What if every two or three weeks you just say to him, on a scale of zero to ten. How full is your love tank That's assuming you both read the book and you've got that concept. Otherwise, you can say, How much love do you feel coming from me on a scale of 0 to 10? And if he says anything less than 10.

You say, well, this week What would be the best way for me to express love to you? And their answer may be something that is not their primary love language. Because that particular week, with whatever they're feeling and whatever's going on in their mind or in their life. Another love language. may speak more deeply to them.

But at least now you know. because they're telling you.

So I would try that. I think you may find it to be very helpful. Because it gives him a chance to say, Uh this week. Honey, I think this would be most meaningful.

So I would say give it a try and see what happens. Hmm.

And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, we have all kinds of resources for you there. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Our featured resource today is "The 5 Love Languages" singles edition, the secret that will revolutionize your relationships. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. All right, Gary, here is what's probably our final call for today.

And it's a sensitive marriage struggle.

So I just want parents to know that there are some questions about sex that come up here. Just want to let you know that. And here is our next caller. Hi, Gary. Quick question.

I heard you talking about how. you know, when people go into a marriage They vow to serve the other person. And it's not about What they can get.

So my question is. And I know God doesn't like divorce, but my question is So I've been in a ten and a half year marriage and my husband has been gaslighting me. cheating on me, lying to me and manipulating me. And he finally confessed after um, six years after my son caught him with A man in the house? that he was having sex with men.

So what am I supposed to do with this? Thank you. Well, I can certainly have empathy for this caller. I don't know of anything that could be more painful. then not only to realize that your spouse is being unfaithful to you sexually.

but that he is having sexual affairs with men. Obviously, you did not know that he was bent in that direction when you married him.

Now did you realize that, The question you're asking is the question anyone would ask, and that is, what shall I do? I don't think we help someone by simply allowing them to continue to live a lifestyle that's detrimental to the marriage. You mentioned the sexual unfaithfulness, but you mentioned some other things in terms of uh what the way he's been treating you. There is a place to say to a spouse I love you too much. to sit here and simply allow you to continue living the lifestyle you're living.

I know it's not good for you. It is tremendously detrimental to me and to our children if you have children. And I love you too much to simply sit here and do nothing.

So I'm going to move in with my mother or you whatever plans you have. I'm not going to desert you if you're willing to go for counseling and deal with this issue and these issues. Uh I'm willing to go for counseling with you. But I cannot just simply sit here and let this go on. It we often call this tough love.

And it is an act of love. Because you're doing it because you realize that to simply affirm all of that by saying nothing and doing nothing is not a loving act. Uh I would think in terms of that, you may want to talk to a counselor, pastor, let someone, a trusted friend, walk with you through the process of making that kind of decision and implementing that kind of decision, because you need someone who can understand. and help you make that decision. I'm again, I'm very empathetic with the caller, and I just feel like No, there is a time for tough love, and I think this is probably one of those times.

She mentioned that it was her son that told her about, you know, what He found dad, you know, and so what that son is going through and glad that the truth is out there, you know, that that he has been found out. And maybe, you know, that can be with the truth being known, then you can deal with it. But when you don't know the truth, you can't, you know, you, and you've got somebody who's hiding, then you can't deal with what the truth is, right? Absolutely, absolutely Chris. Yeah, I had forgotten about the part about the son telling the mother what happened because again now that he's involved and he's hurt and he's questioning what's going on here.

She needs to take some steps in a positive direction. And to me, a tough love approach might be the most logical thing. But I would encourage her, if she's not getting counseling, has never talked to a counselor, a Christian counselor about this, I would encourage her to do that so that she has someone that can help her think and decide the steps to take in this process. There's one other thing that she said in her call of gaslighting. And I've heard that phrase used a lot over the last few years.

But my understanding of it is that you see something and you know that something is going on and you don't necessarily know what it is, but then the other person says, no, that's not it. You're crazy. And so you do feel crazy. It's like, no, there's something here and you're being told something else. That's my concept of gaslighting.

Is that close to what you think it is? Yeah, I think so. I think so, Chris. Yeah. So how do you deal with that when you see something and the other and your spouse says, no, that's not true?

What do you do with that?

Well, I think you make efforts to find out. It would be things like looking at their computer, listening to their getting to their phone, all that sort of thing, to see evidence. Because if they're denying something, then you just have the real sense it's there, You want to find out if it's true or not because obviously you've lost trust in them because they're denying it and you have this real strong sense it is going on.

So I think you make whatever efforts you can. And maybe if they have close friends or people other people that might know things you wouldn't know to ask them, ask them what they have observed. Sad that you have to go that direction, though, to find out the truth. From someone that you have pledged to love and honor and cherish, and you don't receive that back.

So that can be really hurtful. And boy, it's a hard question. End the program on today, but that's real life, Gary. And I'm glad you're there to help us deal with some of these really hard questions as well as the encouragement that people call in with. Before we conclude, I want to give the number again.

If you want to ask a question, make a comment. Maybe you've had this situation, the gaslighting situation in your own life. Here's the number: 866-424-Gary, 1-866-424-4279. We'd love to hear from you and don't forget to check out our featured resource, "The 5 Love Languages" Singles Edition, The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships. We have a link for you at buildingrelationships.us.

And coming up next week. How to help your teenager deal with conflict, drama, anger? and making things right. Don't miss the practical conversation in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing.

Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.