Dear Gary | September

Get ready for some challenging questions about marriage, parenting, and the love languages. Coming up today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . What would you say to the mom who has already flashed out physically? We have a similar or if not the same prime.

How do I stay in hope that my marriage can work? We've been married to each other five times. This is our September edition of Dear Gary. And we'd love to hear your question for a future broadcast. call us at 1-866.

424 Gary 1866 424 Gary. The great thing about a conversation where we hear from you Is that your struggle might be the exact one somebody else is dealing with?

So call with your question: 1-866-424-GARY. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource, a book by Dr. Chapman that he wrote with Dr. Jennifer Thomas. The Five Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships.

You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. And Gary, as we take these questions here today, I wonder how many of the relational struggles we have could be solved. I mean maybe not solved, but at least lessened by learning how to apologize effectively.

Well, Chris, I think it's an absolute necessity if we're going to have long-term healthy relationships to learn how to apologize. Because none of us are perfect. We all will from time to time, intentionally or unintentionally, we hurt other people in our relationships. And unless we're willing to accept responsibility for that, and apologize to them and they choose to forgive us, that relationship is going to be fractured. And eventually we'll just drift apart from each other.

A lot of relationships have ended or got on a track for ending when people did wrong and Didn't apologize.

So yeah, that book we're having a great response to, The Five Apology Languages, because we have different ideas on how to apologize. You know, whatever our parents told us is likely what we're doing. If they said, go tell your sister, I'm sorry, then as adults, we say, I'm sorry. And we don't realize there are other ways to apologize. and that other person is looking for sincerity.

And it doesn't always come from your words, I'm sorry.

So, yeah, I'm hoping God's going to continue to use that book to help people apologize because all of us need to learn how to do it. And if you have ever had anybody say to you, Well, I'm sorry if I did something wrong and it hurts you, it's like, wait, that's not an apology. This is the book that will help you understand why you feel that way and then what's the answer to it. The five apology languages: the secret to healthy relationships. It's our featured resource today, buildingrelationships.us.

All right. We have a written question for you as we begin here today, and this comes from a real deep place of hurt from a mom. who writes this Our daughter is twenty two, And she grew up in a Christian home. She still professes faith in Christ and occasionally attends church, but she recently got engaged after only two months of dating. Her fiancé says he believes in God, but but it doesn't appear that he has a personal relationship with him.

Neither of them asked for our blessing to get engaged, but they now want us to support their wedding both emotionally and financially. We've expressed our concerns and encouraged our daughter to slow down and carefully consider the long-term consequences. of being unequally yoked. but she remains committed to moving forward. We're torn in that some of our family members are urging us to just get on board and celebrate with them.

while others feel that supporting the wedding would be endorsing something outside of God's will. The end of this, she says, We're seeking the Lord in prayer and doing our best to stay connected with our daughter. though this situation feels like the proverbial elephant in the room. As Christian parents, how do we navigate this tension? Should we support the wedding financially as though it were one we could fully celebrate?

Or is there a more faithful way to balance biblical conviction with the with love for our daughter. I think, Chris, there are a lot of people out there who can identify. with these parents. Adult children making decisions that we don't feel comfortable with. And in this case, not sure that the other person is a Christian.

So I can identify with this, and I think a lot of other folks can identify with this. The thing I would try to emphasize is First of all, Remember, we cannot control our adult children's lives. God doesn't control our lives. He gives us freedom. You know, if you want to, as a child of God, if you want to do wrong, He'll let you do wrong.

You suffer the consequences. but he gives us freedom. And we have to give our adult children freedom. uh and and not try to force them. to do what we think uh they should be doing.

I I I do think the second thing We want to keep the lines of communication open. If you make the hard decision, we are not going to support you financially in this wedding, and we are not going to give affirmation or celebrate with you, and you just that's just the hard stance you take. you have cut them off from having any further influence from you.

Well, okay, now you don't have any influence because they're not going to have any contact with you now. And it's awfully hard to get over that five years down the road or three years down the road after they're married. I think we have to share openly our thoughts and our concerns, which I think the person who shared this has already done that. And we should share those things. But then we must let them know I love you.

And if this is what you choose to do, then we're going to be with you. We're going to celebrate. And you know, then you have to decide, you know, how how you're going to do that. But I would also in the process Try to build a positive relationship with the person she's engaged to. If they're not a Christian, you want to love them.

You want to communicate to them the positive things you see in their life, and you want to tell them how important our relationship with Christ is and how important it's been for you. And we believe it's true for your daughter. And so having a loving conversation with them, this could be a chance of leading them to Christ. if not before the wedding, somewhere after the wedding. If they see you as loving parents, Christian parents who love their daughter.

who want to walk with their daughter through life. You have a chance of leading them to Christ. But if you come down really hard and reject them, as it were, and as a person, they will feel rejected by you, then you have no further opportunity to reach them for Christ.

So Those are my thoughts. I can't tell you, you know, you've got to do this or this is the only right thing to do. I just lean toward being open and honest, sharing our honest thoughts and feelings with the daughter, but letting her know, honey, it's your life. It's your decision. And obviously, you'll have to live with the consequences.

But we want to love you. We want to love him. We want to get to know him and let him know that we love him. And we'll do anything in the world we can to help him. Do you take that approach?

You could be God's instrument in bringing that person to Christ.

So, what I'm hearing you say is there's a sense of release that you allow the. The adult child to make, even though you, you know, it's only been two months or three months, or and she's 22, and you can see all cataclysm ahead. You allow her to make the decision and you release her to do that. In the same way that you have talked about forgiveness being kind of a release. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I th I think so. We let them be human. Uh they are not teenagers now. They're adults. And we have to give them the freedom to make their decisions.

You know, the father of the prodigal son did not go after him and try to make him stop the lifestyle he was living. He kept the farm going.

So that when God brought his son to the hogpen and he decided to go home and see if he could just get a job on the farm, his father's arms were open for him to return.

So even though our children make decisions that we think they should not make, we have to give them the freedom to do that. and to love them in the midst of all of it. He also gave him his inheritance, which I would tell that father, don't do that. Don't do that. That's all a part of the story that Jesus told.

There's another book that you've written that I think might be helpful, Your New Life with Adult Children: A Practical Guide to What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals. That's also something that you and Dr. Ross Campbell worked on. that might be helpful, don't you think? Yeah, that book would be helpful to any parent who has adult children.

Because sometimes our adult children bring us great joy, sometimes their decisions bring us great pain. But how we respond to them in the midst of all that's going to make a huge difference.

So yeah, I suggest any parent who has adult children, you're going to find that book very, very helpful. It's Your New Life with Adult Children. Maybe you have a question about the upcoming holiday season and a strained relationship you have. Call 1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-4279. And you can go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more about our featured resource, The Five Apology Languages, The Secret to Healthy Relationships.

Go to buildingrelationships.us.

Okay, we started with a written question, Gary, for you from a mom about her daughter. Here's another parent with basically the same question, but there's a little difference, a little nuance to this one. I want to see if you answer the same way. Uh Gary, my son is gay, and has been for years. He's been witness to many times.

He's now getting married. because I've told him I cannot come to his wedding or reception, My relationship with him is in jeopardy. how do I reconcile with him even though we do not agree on this issue? Is there a different approach that you have than to the first question that I posed to you? You know, Chris, I would not be dogmatic to say you should never go to a wedding or to say, no, you should go.

It's not my it's not my choice to say that. Every family must wrestle with this. It's not an easy not an easy question. But it's not just the matter of do I go to the wedding or not go to the wedding. The other issue is Do I want to have a relationship with my son in the future?

or do I want to simply mark him off? And let me just say this. I have seen a number of times when a parrot just totally refuses to go to the wedding and also communicates, I don't want to ever see your partner over here at our house. That stance essentially many times leads to years where there is no contact with that adult child. I think you have to decide.

Is that what I want? Is that the best thing? Or should I clearly state my case That I am not supportive of this. I do not believe this is right. But they say he's been living a lifestyle for years, a gay lifestyle for years.

So they've already been dealing with this problem. But apparently, so far, they've at least kept a relationship with him.

So do you want to stop that relationship altogether? Uh or do you want to Let them know precisely how you feel about it. No question about it. This is not what I want. I cannot support this.

I'm not in favor of this. But if this is your choice... I want you to know I still love you. I will always love you. No matter what you do, I will love you.

But I hope you understand if you're going to make the decision not to go, but I hope you understand. I just can't emotionally bring myself to be there for the wedding. But I do love you. You know, that would be, if you're going to make that decision, that would be the way to make it. Or if you're deciding that you are going to go, you can say, I'm going to go because I do love you.

I want to be there. I'm not really celebrating this, but I'll be there with you. Because I love you. That's the kind of approach you make.

So, what we want to do is recognize that. We want to love our children even when they make poor decisions. because God loves us as His children when we make poor decisions. You know, if God clobbered us or if God broke off His relationship with us whenever we sinned. There'd be a whole lot of people who are Christians who lost a relationship with God.

No, God allows us to suffer the consequences of our wrong decisions. He doesn't affirm them. But he lets us make that decision. He gives us that freedom. and then he lets us suffer the consequences.

And he will bring discipline to his children down the road.

So that's the way God handles it. And I think we have to let them make their decisions and let them suffer the consequences that God brings on their lives. We're not to take revenge. Romans chapter 12 makes that very clear. We're not to take revenge.

That's God's. God takes revenge. And God will bring punishment on them, let them suffer the consequences. But we want to walk with them. And we want to be there in the midst of the pain that they may feel along the way and let them know we love them, we've always loved them, even though we haven't always agreed with them.

I see the tension that you're talking about there because it's internal tension. I don't feel like I can, but I want to do this. And then there's the external tension. There could be people in, you know, friends or family members or church members who would say, you can't do that, or you need to do that. You know, there's just a lot of pressure in this whole situation.

And I guess what you're saying is not answering the question. I want you to put it in stone. You've got to do this, you've got to do that. And you're not doing that. I respect that.

But the main question that hovers over all this is, what does it look like to love this person right here, right now? And we have to be willing to answer that question and allow God to work in us to what that looks like, right? Yeah, that's right. You know, because the scriptures are clear about, you know, we have enemies, we have, you know, do good to those that hate you. And return good for evil.

If they're hungry, feed 'em. If they're thirsty, give them something to drink. These are our enemies.

So if we were to do that for our enemies, we certainly should do that, have that attitude, same attitude for our children, our adult children. Those are the first two questions. We had a pastor call and leave a message, and I'm going to read, in order to keep his voice and his location hidden, I'm just going to read this. Gary, I'm a pastor with a family in our church that has experienced infidelity. This is not coming from the married couple, though.

But their daughter she has seen some behavior in her parents that she wants to address with them, Do you have any wisdom or guidance on this, or do you know of any good resources to point her to that might be helpful for a daughter? Who loves her mom and dad? Hm. This is kind of the opposite, isn't it, of uh parents who are dealing with their adult children who are sinning. Uh here is a daughter who's dealing with her mom and dad.

Who are sending? Apparently, she believes at least that they are, one of them at least is involved in infidelity. I think as a loving daughter, it certainly would be right and positive for you to have a conversation with them. Do it in a loving and kind way. That is, approach them with the spirit of mom or dad, which if you think both of them are guilty, You know, you can talk with them together if you think one of them is the one that's being unfaithful in the marriage.

You can talk with them. And just say. I wanna I wanna have a conversation with you. And to be honest with you, this is a hard conversation for me. I have prayed about it a lot because I want to do the right thing.

But I really believe that you are having an affair. Or if it's already open, you can say, As you know, you have been unfaithful to mom. Or you've been unfaithful to Dad? And as uh your daughter uh I'm deeply hurt by this. I I want to find out where you're coming from.

I want you to share your heart with me. And I just want us to have a conversation about it. Are you open to that? And chances are if you take that approach, they will be open. and they will share their thoughts with you.

And then you can move into the you know, after they've shared their thoughts and why they did this, and they have a reason, you know, obviously, that they wouldn't have done it. But then you say, you know, you've taught me from the Bible all your life. And the Bible is very much anti what you're doing. And you know that. All I can do as your daughter is to request that you break off that relationship.

And come back with mom and apologize to her. and that you you all work on your marriage. That's what I would love to see you do. I know that I cannot control your behavior. You are an adult.

And if you choose to do this, then that's your choice. I will always love you as a father. But I will li I live with great hurt. over what you've done and if you continue on what you continue doing. It's that kind of open conversation, I think, that can be received.

by the parent, whichever parent it is. And they're going to walk away with the deep sense of how they have hurt. their child. And your request as to what they would that they would make a right decision now and turn back to God.

So to me, that would be the way you do it. But yes, I think you should, as a pastor, encourage that daughter. I don't know what age she is, but to have that kind of conversation with the parent that's guilty, or if both of them are guilty, I don't know what the situation is, talking with both of them.

So, as a pastor, you know, we handle these things all the time, and yeah, these are hard situations for us. But, you know, the Bible says if you recognize someone who sinned, you go to them. And if they don't respond, you take somebody with you. This is me in Matthew. Jesus said this: you take somebody with you.

Then if they don't respond or repent, you tell the church. And the church will send somebody. If they're in the church, the church will send somebody.

So you make every effort, and after you've made those three efforts, he says if they don't repent, You treat them as a pagan. What do you do for pagans? You pray for them. Yeah, you reach out to them. You do anything you can to minister to them.

and meet needs and that sort of thing, showing the love of God to them as sinners.

So The Bible's pretty clear on the idea of confronting someone. when you know that they're doing wrong. Uh but it needs to be done in a loving way. What if the response is anger? How dare you accuse me?

How dare this is you're totally stirring things up. You know, who are you to point a finger at me from whoever it is, mom or dad? How do you handle that? I think you you let them explode. There's no need to try to stop them.

They're going they're exploding verbally. You let them explode verbally. And then you say I'm really sorry. That you feel that way. It really hurts me.

that you would feel that way toward me because I love you very much and I'm just trying to speak love into your life. And you drop it at that point. and let them walk away, thinking about how nicely, lovingly you responded to their awful response to you. God can use that kind of approach and that kind of response. to touch their hearts even when they walk away.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. And if you have a question or a comment for anything that we've talked about here today, I'd love to hear from you at 866-424-Gary. You can ask a question. like our listeners are doing here or make a comment 866-424-4.

4279. Here's a caller. who's been through a difficult marriage and needs a little encouragement from you, Gary. Both are I think it's a good idea. Doctor.

My question is, how do you help your husband. A man of faith. As a wife assays. maneuver through his mental health along with having a newborn baby. Thank you for acknowledging my question.

Well, first of all, this is a very difficult situation. and obviously a lot of pressure. on this wife. Having a new baby. can have a husband with mental problems.

I don't know what the history is, how long he's had mental problems, what has been done to try to deal with those already. Don't know where he is in that journey. Obviously he needs help. If he is not seeing a counsellor, then I would say do everything you can. To find a counselor who can deal with his particular situation.

And encourage him in every way to go to see a counselor, to get help. with his with his situation. But I sense the pressure and I know it's hard. uh having a new baby alone is hard. but having a new baby with a husband that has mental problems is even harder.

So I would say any outside source you can get to help in the in the situation. Don't hesitate to reach out and try to bring someone else into this situation that can be helpful. That might start by just talking to a pastor. that you trust and asking Whom would you recommend that might be able to give some help in this situation? because pastors often know who Christian counselors are, and at least it's a starting place.

I wouldn't simply just sit there. and let things just rock on and living under that kind of pressure. I would do everything I could. to find someone who might be able to help him in that situation. And if it becomes, you know, so severe that his uh his mental condition.

Is indeed threatening to you or the baby physically. Uh You know, there is a place also for the hard step. of actually saying, you know We've got to do something here. whether that's finding him a place where he can go and hopefully get long-term help. But bringing someone else in to ask advice, you ask advice of them.

I would definitely encourage you to do that, even if it's two or three different people that you think who might be able to help in some way, rather than carrying this burden by yourself. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more about that and our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us.

That resource is the book by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas, The Five Apology Languages. The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Go to buildingrelationships.us and if you'd like to ask a question, call Gary's listener line at 1-866-424-GARY.

That's 1-866-424-4279. And remember, if you have a question or a response to an answer that Gary gives, call us at 1-866-46-6-6-4-6-0-0-0-0-0-0 424-Gary. You can leave your message right there, and you might hear an answer on an upcoming broadcast of Building Relationships: 866-424-4279. Our next caller heard our conversation a few months ago with Amber Leah. She wrote the book Untriggered, 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger.

Here's her question for you, Gary. Hi, Gary. Um I am involved in mom's ministry here in Chicago. And I had a question about your recent episode with Amber Leah. Amazing episode.

I think this is incredibly helpful, wonderful resource. But I have a question. What would you say to The mom who has already crossed the line and has lashed out. physically. add a child.

perhaps someone for whom it's not a pattern at this point. But it it has been an episode. Women who are facing this are often very afraid of seeking counseling because they are concerned about being reported and losing their children.

So um if it's someone who's started down that road. And they want help. But they have that fear of that kind of intervention, what would be some steps? Do you think for that mom to take? in order to get the help that she needs.

Thank you so much. I think one thing would be to expose them to the truth that we discussed when you listened to that program. and to that particular book it may well be helpful to them if they don't have it. I also wrote a book on anger a number of years ago, Taming a Powerful Emotion is the subtopic. But it's on anger.

Where does anger come from? Why do we get angry? And the two kinds of anger, righteous anger and then anger that is not righteous. It's just that we didn't get our way. And in the case you're describing, a mother losing her temper with a child and apparently abusing a child.

you know, understanding where anger is coming from, and then get a plan on how to handle your anger. Uh a mother like that if it's as you said, it it's not something that's an established pattern yet. Uh this is the wonderful and best time for her to be getting help. And sometimes reading a book like that, the book called Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion, it's a moody publication, would be very, very helpful for her because sometimes when we can understand anger and get a plan for handling our anger in a positive way, we can stop something from becoming a habit. You know, one time losing your temper with a child, many people have experienced that because we're human.

And so I think. If she's not ready to go for counseling, at least getting a Christian book on that topic would be, I think, a very positive step to take. And aren't you glad uh this person has a friend you know in in our caller here Willing to open up and to share, you know, this is going on in my life. That's a good sign, I think, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely right. And I don't know if the caller is the one who has lost the temper, maybe that is the case, or maybe she's aware of someone, you know, in her family or friends who has done that. But either case, learning something about anger and understanding it and anger management can be very, very helpful. And that's why books have been written on that topic. This is Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman. This is our Dear Gary broadcast for September. Call 866-424-Gary and ask your question for a future program. Millions of people have read the books on the love languages, but they still have questions about how to use the insights. Enter our next caller.

Bye, Gary.

So I I've read "The 5 Love Languages" , and so has my wife, and we both found out we have a similar or if not the same primary love language, but it seems like we have different dialects. I'm trying to figure out, or we're trying to figure out what portion of that love language resonates with each one of us. Just trying to see how do you identify the different dialects or what's different between us because both are confused as far as why our different quality is quality time specifically, why we both have different points of views for what we consider quality time.

Well, it's a good question. Because not only do we have a primary love language, and in this case it seems both of them have quality time as their primary love language, but we do have dialects within each of these languages.

Now, in the original book, I didn't go into that very, very deeply. I just mentioned that there are dialects. But now we have online at fivelovelanguages.com a premier assessment for "The 5 Love Languages" . You have to pay for this one because it's very, very detailed. It ties your primary love language with your personality.

and it helps you identify what dialect or dialects within that language is most meaningful to each of you. And that's a key insight.

So I would encourage you to take that. We're in the process of putting out a book that will cover these issues, but it will not be out until January of 2026. I'm very empathetic with what you're saying because you're right. You can have the same primary love language but have different dialects within that language. And if you're not clear on what dialect is important to the other person, Then you can miss the mark because you can do something or spend time with them in a way that's meaningful to you.

But it's not. a meaningful thing to them. Another question you might want to ask each other from time to time is: on a scale of 0 to 10, How full is your love tank? Or, how much love do you feel coming from me? And if they say anything less than 10, you say, well, this week, What would be most meaningful to you?

And chances are they will they will tell you something you could do that would be most meaningful. If you ask that question several times, you may well see that their answers beginning to fall into one category, that is one particular dialect, is what they really find meaningful. That's how they like to spend quality time.

So that's just an informal way in which you can deal with this. But it's important, and I'm glad you're asking the question, because we want to discover what is the most meaningful expression of love to them. That is not only their primary love language, but the dialect of that language that's most important.

So great question, and I hope that helps. I'm trying to figure out What the dialect of quality time could be, because in my mind, and maybe it's because it's not my love language, it's like, if you're together, you're together. What will you do? But is it like, you know, one person says, Uh you sitting with me and watching a movie together is just the bees knees. You know, I just love that.

And the other person says, I, that, that, that doesn't. Quality time to me means Of having a conversation, you know, sitting by the fire and having a conversation, not watching something else. Is that, could that be the dialect? Absolutely. or taking a walk together.

walking down the road together and talking. Or going out to eat and just the two of you having a conversation. going to a ball game together. For some people, that's quality time.

So there's lots of dialects, and you would think, well, that doesn't sound, you know, what I want is just sit down and talk. I mean, that's you.

So yeah, determining the love language and the dialect is important.

Okay, Gary, are you ready for some good news? Yes, sir. All right. We just talked about the dialects of quality time and how do you communicate? Is it just sitting down and talking and everything?

This next caller has been married five times. You have to hear this story. Hi. My husband and I will be married for 20 years. 21 years.

Yes. Come June. Good. We've been married to each other five times. since nineteen seventy nine.

He had a very tremulous life, but we have finally figured it out. And it's just simply Something so simple Every afternoon when we both get off work. We meet on our patio during the summertime and inside is the But in the winter time it's the kitchen table. And we get six. We talk about our day and we both just chill, we turn off our phones.

I'm just doing. actually talk to each other about concerns that are we having. And that has changed Our lives. I wish we'd done it when we first got married the very first time. Or any of the times afterwards.

But We finally figured it out. It's a communication. is the key. To the happy marriage. Truly it is.

Anyway, thank you. Ha ha ha.

Well, that's interesting, Chris. Married to each other five times. Five times, yes. They could have saved a lot of money if they had. not gone through the divorces.

Well, that that is encouraging, however, that now they finally found uh what uh each of them was seeking, and that is a close relationship. And yes, communication is the lifeblood. Just as oxygen is necessary for the human body, communication is necessary for a healthy marriage. And what they did is they established a time. A place And they begin with sharing some things that have happened throughout the day, sharing life with each other, and then sharing their concerns with each other, whatever that might be.

It's that kind of open, loving communication in which they're sharing with each other their thoughts, their feelings, their frustrations, their desires that leads us to a healthy marriage. Yeah, and my guess is that both of them probably have the primary love language of quality time. That's just a guess, okay? There you go. There you go.

They've worked out the dialect, too.

Okay, you know, the thing I love most about that call is the laugh, the little giggle, the chuckle that she had at the end. And the other thing is. Especially in the church, it's like marriage has to be this pristine thing, and it's got to look like this and. What she described there, married to the same person five different times, that's messy. And she said that turbulence in, you know, that's hard.

God can move into that turbulence. He can take the mess. you know, of relationships. And I think that's one of the things I've heard from you through the years. Don't give up on, you know, what is there simply because it looks messy, right?

You're right, Chris, because life is messy. And we have different personalities, and consequently, we rub each other the wrong way on certain things, and that affects our feelings. Then we get negative feelings, then we express negative words, and it goes downstream from there, you know, because nobody likes to be put down day after day after day. And so somebody just says, well, I'm out of here, you know. But I am glad that they came back together, at least if it did take five times.

At least now they have what they were looking for.

So, the answer is not always go find somebody else where I won't have any problems. No, no, no. You're not going to marry anyone that you don't have differences with. It's a matter of learning how to process the differences and learning how to understand each other, listening as they talk and expressing understanding and learning to speak their love language. I mean, this is what creates a happy marriage.

I think that caller is going to give some hope to somebody who tuned in today. At least I hope so. And if that happened, call us. Tell us what's going on in your life. You can ask Gary a question, 866-424-GARY.

one eight six six four two four Gary. This next caller has a strained marriage and she wants to hang in there, but It's getting messy for her too, and it's a real struggle. Here's her question. My question is, I've been I'm I'm married, we've been married, me and my husband for about five years. Separated for two.

due to a lot of issues. And I thankfully prayed for him, never stopped praying for him. Funny enough, he was baptized, went to church and was baptized on our anniversary date. even though we've been separated again. for almost two years.

We have a lot of unresolved issues. tried counseling, that didn't work. I still haven't given up. Um our marriage. And I guess my question is, how do I Yeah.

in hopes that my marriage can work. Or do I just Please. and accept that things are not going to work out. I asked for signs and some days I get the sense of hold on.

Some days I get the sense of, okay, there, you've waited long enough, but I understand the importance of marriage biblically.

So therefore, I kind of do not want to give up. But I guess I'm asking for guidance at this point. Thank you so much for hearing me out. Bless Day. And keep changing people's lives.

I would say for this caller, if you have not read my book entitled One More Try. The subtitle is What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. One more try. because in that book I share the stories of a number of people throughout the years that I've counseled and worked with. who have been to the point where you are, and that is asking themselves, when do I give up?

When do I stop? I think you'll find that book to give you some key insights. Uh in terms of how to Do one more try. You say you have tried counseling, it didn't help. And I understand sometimes we go for counseling and it doesn't help.

But I wouldn't give up on counseling just because it didn't help, because counselors are like. Medical doctors.

Some are better than others. And so I would. Still Uh encourage you. uh to find a Christian counselor. uh that uh you can both go to.

and let them begin to help you. But I do think I would first encourage you both to read the book One More Try. and see if some of the things I talk about in that book would not be helpful to you. Because we have to deal with past failures. There has to be apology for past failures.

And there have been that on both sides. It's not that either one of you is the one that's all the problem. That's never the case. But I think dealing with past failures and then beginning to talk about why do you think we got to this place. What are the issues that we have not dealt with?

writing them down and then beginning one by one to work on those issues. And that's where a counselor can be very helpful to you, helping you find ways to handle that. My guess is You do not have any problems. that other couples have not had similar problems. Learning what others have done and getting the advice from a Christian counselor who's hearing your whole story.

I think there is hope. I've sometimes said to couples in my office who tell me they have no hope I say, I can understand that, how you can get to that place.

So I say, What if you go on my hope? Because I have hope for you.

So if you're willing to go on my hope then I'll work with you and we'll talk and we'll see what can be done.

So I think you're wise not to give up at this juncture. And as long as the other person's open to conversations. I would seek to have those conversations and seek to take some of the steps, one of which, the easiest of which, is to read a book together. Yeah. And if he won't go to counseling with you, that per you know, the wife going to counseling for herself.

is a is a wonderful thing. She mentioned the word sign And I'm trying to interpret what she means by that. And I don't want to push my interpretation on her, but it sounds to me like she might be thinking, well, if by three months I don't see any change, or if this happens, then that must be God telling me it's okay to move on or to hang in there, whatever it is. What do you think about looking for a sign? Yeah, Chris, I don't know that there's any one sign that we have to have before we decide, you know, it's too late, we just have to give up.

I would say don't ever make that decision without outside counsel. Because sometimes, you know, counselors deal with people all the time who have lost hope. Don't go on your feelings that it's not going to work.

Now obviously if there's physical abuse or continual verbal abuse, I can understand how you get to the place where you just think there's no hope. And that has to change. I mean you can't put up with that. And sometimes a separation can be helpful. But this caller, I think she's understood her to say they've been separated for two years already.

So, just separation is not the answer.

Sometimes, separation and getting help while you're separated. can be the road that leads to reconciliation.

Well, before we conclude the program today, I want to give you our number because as you've heard, there have been some really deep questions that have been asked here today and situations in marriage. And you revealing something like that and getting an answer from Dr. Chapman might help somebody else.

So call that number 1-866-424-Gary. If you want to remain anonymous, that's fine. I can read your question. 1-866-424-4279. Or if you want to comment on something that you've heard in this broadcast or others, we'd love to hear from you.

We've mentioned several books today. One more try. Gary just mentioned that in regards to this listener. We've talked about your new life with adult children. And our featured resource is the Five Apology Languages, The Secret to Healthy Relationships.

Go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. Again, buildingrelationships.us. And coming up next week, How God can use the needs in your life. to help you heal and grow. Hear that moving conversation in one week.

A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers. A ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.