How to Resolve Conflict | The Bible's Guidance on Conflict Resolution

We're glad you're joining us for a new beginning with Greg Laurie, a podcast supported by Harvest Partners. Get more encouraging audio content when you subscribe to Pastor Greg's Daily Devos.

Learn more and sign up at harvest.org. The objective is to resolve, not to win the argument. In so many arguments, as one person is making their point, the other person is formulating his response. He's not really hearing her point, he's preparing his counterpoint.

It's tactical gamesmanship, and they're keeping mental score. Well, hopefully that doesn't sound familiar, but if it does, today on A New Beginning, Pastor Greg Laurie helps us learn to resolve conflict by following an example we see in Scripture. Today, practical help for everyone. Well, grab your Bibles and turn to Acts chapter 15, and the title of my message is, How to Resolve Conflict. We're going to look at this story now in the Bible as two godly men have a conflict. Two men who love the Lord have a disagreement, and they were apostles nonetheless, and we're going to see some very important things from this, but we have some troublemakers that have entered this scene. They're believers in Jesus, they're Jewish, and they have a Jewish background, and they felt that one had to be circumcised before they could become a Christian. They were placing an unnecessary barrier on these new believers. So Paul and Barnabas are now a missionary team, and they're not happy about it, and they thought, we need to go back to the leaders in Jerusalem and get this resolved. So the apostles and elders met together to resolve this issue. The apostles gave a ruling.

So basically they said, okay, we're not going to require circumcision. To become a Christian you need to believe in Jesus. Look at verse 11 of chapter 15. We believe that the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ we shall be saved. Bottom line, it's Jesus plus nothing. It's Jesus only.

You don't need anything more than Jesus. What do you need to do to be saved and forgiven? You need to recognize you're a sinner. You need to realize Christ died on the cross for your sin. You need to repent of your sin, put your faith in him, and receive him into your life.

No works go along with that. It's not like, well no, you have to be baptized first. You should be baptized. Every Christian should be baptized, but baptism is not necessary for salvation, but baptism should follow salvation.

So this is very clear what the apostles are saying, but sometimes we act as though we achieve salvation through our own efforts. I heard about a multi-millionaire who was talking with someone and the person said, can you tell me the secrets of how you became a multi-millionaire? The guy said, sure. When I was a very young man I was dirt poor. There were tough times when I was motivated and energetic. So with my last dime I bought an apple. I spent the whole night polishing that apple and then I took it downtown and I sold it for 50 cents. I took that 50 cents and I bought five more apples and I polished them and I sold them for two dollars and fifty cents. Then I bought more apples and more apples till I'd made a hundred dollars. Then my wife's father died and left us ten million dollars. He didn't become a millionaire by polishing apples.

He became a millionaire because he received an inheritance. We don't become a Christian by polishing apples, so to speak. Our good works. I did this.

I did that. It's all based on what Jesus did for us. Not on what we do for Jesus.

Right? But then once we are saved we should want to please the Lord and honor the Lord and obey the Lord. So that's the ruling of the Apostles. Okay so let's come back to our topic.

How do we resolve conflict? Acts 15 verse 36. Sometime later Paul said to Barnabas, let's go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preach the Word of God and see how they're doing. Barnabas wanted to take John also called Mark with him.

John Mark. Paul did not think it was a good idea or wise to take him because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement they parted company.

Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus. Paul chose Silas and left commended by the believers to the grace of God and he went through Syria and Cilicia strengthening the churches. So here's the conflict. Two men of God see things in a different way.

Mr. Encouragement, that would be Barnabas, wants to take his nephew John Mark. Yeah John Mark messed up.

Yeah John Mark bailed on them on an earlier trip but hey let's give him another chance. Paul's reaction is no we can't have that happen. We can't have someone walk away from us in the middle of one of these ministry trips we're taking. So they disagreed with it. The friction developed and then they parted ways. So now let's answer the question how do you resolve conflict. If you're taking notes here's point number one. The person you're disagreeing with don't talk about them talk to them.

Don't talk about them talk to them. Paul and Barnabas had this conversation face to face. And by the way this is not the only time that Paul differed with someone. He said I disagreed with Peter to his face.

That's kind of heavy-duty. Peter and Paul having an argument. What would you do if you were there? What side do you choose? Peter?

Paul? It's like your parents fighting right? You don't know how to react to it. The Battle of the Titans. They had disagreements.

And here's the thing. If you know someone who's a Christian and maybe they're doing something they should not be doing and because you love them you go to them you're being a true friend. Because the Bible says faithful are the wounds of a friend but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Open rebuke is better than secret love. Don't talk about them talk to them. Don't post a comment on their post publicly for everyone to see. You have a relationship with them. Text them directly. Call them directly. Better yet sit down with them because a true friend stabs you in the front not in the back.

Go to them. And a lot of times we won't do this. We'll just let it fester and we'll become more angry. Now by the way on this particular argument Paul was in the right I believe.

But you want to talk about these things because we'll gossip and spread information we don't even know if it's true. Matthew 18 15 says if another believer sins against you go privately. Point out the offense that the other person listens and confesses. You've won that person back. So I like to go to the person.

I'm gonna get my facts straight. How many of you are married? Raise up your hand. You're married. When you're married you're gonna have conflict. Let me say a word to single people. How many of you are single?

All right listen to this. No man and no woman is gonna meet every one of your needs. If you go into marriage saying man when I find that right guy. Riding on a white horse. He's gonna change everything. One day my prince will come. Stop watching Disney movies. Or the guy says oh I'm gonna meet her one day on the beach just as the Sun is setting.

The golden hour. She'll come running to me on the beach in slow motion. Okay however you meet reality is gonna kick in. And you're two imperfect people in a relationship.

And you have to work through these things because conflicts are going to come. I've had couples come to me and say Greg would you perform our ceremony? Would you marry us? Let me ask you are you both Christians? Oh yes. How long have you known each other?

Six months. Okay have you guys had a conflict or an argument? Oh no we love each other too much. Yeah no go have an argument. You're gonna have to learn how to resolve conflict. And that's so important. So when you're having a conflict in your marriage you want to learn how to listen.

Listen to what your mate is saying. I know you have your counterpoint. I know you have your argument. I know you think you're in the right and they're in the wrong. But at least listen to them and hear what they're saying. Try not to let it escalate. Don't raise your voice. Don't insult them. Don't call them names. Don't say things like you always.

Because they don't. Try to remain calm. Hear what it is they're saying and never fight in front of the kids. Ever.

Make that a hard rule in your house. Now once you've heard them you state your point of view. Hopefully they'll listen to you as you've listened to them. Now you need to try to find a compromise perhaps.

Some kind of resolution. Ephesians 4 26 says don't let the Sun go down on your anger. In other words don't go to bed mad at each other. Fight to resolve not to win. If you go into it to win you lose even if you win.

The objective is to resolve not to win the argument. Pastor Greg Laurie will have the second half of his message in just a moment. Hey everybody I want to encourage you to check out the new Harvest Plus app. It's on Roku, Apple TV, and Google Play among others. And you can stream incredible content on all major platforms for free. You're gonna find live events, our evangelistic films like A Rush of Hope, Johnny Cash The Redemption of an American Icon, Steve McQueen The Salvation of an American Icon, and our newest film Fame. Plus our TV programs, our podcast Harvest at Home, and a lot more.

Stream it all on any device for free using the new Harvest Plus app. Well today Pastor Greg is helping us learn to resolve conflict biblically. His first point when you disagree with someone don't talk about them talk to them.

Let's continue with this study one of the most requested of the year. Number two forgive the person you have the conflict with. Forgive the person you have the conflict with. You say well Greg they don't deserve my forgiveness. Listen forgiveness according to CS Lewis does not mean excusing.

So maybe they don't deserve your forgiveness but you forgive them anyway. I remember I was having a meal years ago with Cliff Barrows. Cliff Barrows was a longtime associate of Billy Graham.

Cliff would lead worship and was sort of the emcee of the Billy Graham events and he was a wonderful man. And he said this to me once as we're talking. He says Greg there are eight words you should be willing to say to your spouse every single day. Here they are. I'm sorry please forgive me and I love you.

Pretty good. I'm sorry please forgive me and I love you. And I would add these words as well. It was my fault. You'll be amazed at how quickly that will defuse a disagreement.

Because they're not expecting that. They're going in and you're listening and they're going off and and then when they're done you say I'm sorry. It was my fault. Please forgive me. They're like yeah yeah all right.

It works. I said this before and it was put on one of my devotions and a guy was reading the devotion. He'd never heard this before. Okay so just say I'm sorry please forgive me and I love you and it was my fault. So he walks into the other room where his wife is. He says honey I want to tell you something. He just says what? He says I'm sorry please forgive me I love you it was my fault.

He says she starts crying. Thank you for saying that to me. And then he said it's really not mine I just Greg wrote it in some devotion. I said you should have never said that.

You should have gone with that. But it really can help defuse tension. Because we're going to have conflict.

We're going to have to learn how to forgive. Husbands are going to offend their wives. Wives are going to offend their husbands. Parents will offend their children. Children will offend their parents. Family members will offend one another. Friends will offend one another. Maybe intentionally.

Maybe unintentionally. But it won't happen. Dogs will offend cats. Cats won't care. They don't care. They don't care about you or anything else. You cannot make peace with a cat.

Anyway so I digress. So we need to learn how to forgive or you're going to end up as that bitter person. And when bitterness grows it's the end of a relationship. The Bible warns in Hebrews 12 15 we should watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up and troubles us corrupting many. Not only is forgiveness important for you spiritually. It's actually important for you physically.

It can help you to be a healthier person. I read an article Time magazine put it out. The title what the cover story was should all be forgiven. And the article states scientists and sociologists have begin to extract forgiveness and the act of forgiving from the confines of the confessional transforming it into the subject of quantifiable research. A number of psychologists and psychotherapists have realized that there's nothing like forgiveness for dissipating anger, mending marriages, and banishing depression.

Well how about that. They caught up with the Bible because the Bible says be tender-hearted forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Third and last point if possible reconcile.

If possible reconcile. By the way Paul ultimately reconciled with John Mark because he wrote in 2nd Timothy 4 11 to Timothy get Mark here and bring him with you because he's helpful to me in my ministry. So in a way we could go back to this story and say Paul was right in what he said. He was saying to John Mark look young man you need to be responsible. You need to keep your commitments and when you say you're gonna do something you need to do it so you can't come on the missionary journey with us this time. But then later through the actions of John Mark no doubt Paul said you know I like that kid.

Send him over to me. He's been helpful to me so we can learn from our mistakes. Paul did not hold a grudge neither should we. In the book of Genesis we have Abraham and Lot. They had a conflict. Abraham was Lot's uncle.

One day Abraham said to Lot look nephew it's always drama with you okay. All this tension between the people that are helping me and the people that are helping you I think it's in our best interest that we part company. Look I love you but I just don't think we can travel together any longer. And so Abraham said I'll tell you what I'll give you the choice. You want to go this way I'll go that way.

Make your choice. Where do you want to go? Well Lot looks and sees a very beautiful spot and he says wow I like that. It kind of reminds me of Egypt. It's lush and it's green.

I want to go there. I think they call it Sodom and Gomorrah. And that's where he went. And Abraham went the other direction.

A little time passes. Lot gets himself into some trouble. He's taken as a captive. Now the news came to Abraham your nephew has just been captured. He's a hostage. Abraham could have said stupid kid.

I warned him you know he deserves what he gets. No Abraham goes and rescues his nephew. So here's my point. There was a parting of ways but there was a reconciliation. The reality is Lot was not nearly as godly as Abraham was. And Lot was kind of a spiritual dream. There are people like that that we meet. When you get around them they pull you down spiritually. They might even profess to be a Christian. But they do pull you down.

And you might say you know I don't want to hang around that person anymore. They're so critical. They're so negative.

They're always down. They're always gossiping. They always have something bad to say about someone else.

After I've been with them I feel like I need to take a shower afterwards. I'm not gonna hang around that person anymore. But then maybe one day that person is in trouble because they follow the inevitable course that their life is taking. And nobody really cares much about them. They're isolated. When they go to a restaurant they eat alone every time. And the people call out.

Bitter party of one. But then something happens and they're in trouble. And you reach back out to them.

And you lift them up again. So we have to make these decisions in life as well. So try to resolve as best as possible.

So let's wrap this message up and apply it to each of us personally. Before you can effectively forgive others you yourself need to be forgiven. Do you remember the first words of Jesus as he hung on the cross? They were father forgive them for they know not what they do. Forgiven people should be forgiving people.

But let me ask you now have you been forgiven of your sin? I said earlier you don't have to clean your life up and come to Christ. You come to Christ to clean your life up.

You might say well I just need to get my life in order and start following these rules and regulations. You get myself a Bible and me just get a little religion. Listen you don't need a little religion. You need a lot of Jesus. Just come to Jesus. Come to Jesus. You come to Jesus with your addictions. You come to Jesus with your problems. You come to Jesus with your sins. And you say Lord save me. And he'll forgive you and start changing you.

The changes will follow the encounter with Christ. And maybe there's somebody here that needs to just come to Jesus. You don't realize that God loves you. Or you haven't realized it up to this point. You don't realize or you haven't realized that you could come into a relationship with him.

But you can. If you want your sin forgiven. If you want Christ to come into your life. If you want to know that you will go to heaven when you die.

If you're ready to say yes to Jesus. Wherever you are pray these words out loud. Lord Jesus I know that I'm a sinner. But I know that you're the Savior who died on the cross for me. I turn from my sin now.

And I choose to follow you from this moment forward. Thank you for hearing my prayer and entering this prayer. In Jesus name I pray.

Amen. Such an important prayer. Pastor Greg Laurie praying with those asking the Lord to forgive their sins.

And if you've just prayed that prayer and meant those words then your sins have been forgiven and you're now a new child of God. And we want to welcome you into God's family. And we want to send you an important resource to help you build a strong foundation for your faith. Let us send you Pastor Greg's New Believers Bible.

Millions have read this edition of the Bible and enjoyed the hundreds and hundreds of helps especially for those new to the faith. We'll send it to you free of charge when you call 1-800-821-3300. We can take your call anytime 24 7 1-800-821-3300.

Or write us at A New Beginning Box 4000 Riverside California 92514. Or just go online to harvest.org and click Know God. Well Pastor Greg we're so pleased to mention your new book on the afterlife called As It Is in Heaven. Now you've mentioned before that your ministry focus and intensity changed in the year 2008.

What happened to bring about that change? Well what happened was my oldest son Christopher died in an automobile accident and he went to be with the Lord. It was the worst moment of my life for sure. It's something I haven't completely recovered from to be honest with you and anyone who's lost a child knows what I'm talking about. And honestly if God had not come through for me I would have given up preaching altogether.

But I have to say God did come through for me and he comes through for me. Because here's the thing that I had to deal with. It's so shocking to lose someone so suddenly. I never got to say goodbye.

We didn't have a final conversation and they have all context suddenly cut off. It's devastating. But I would reassure myself with what the Bible says. And the Bible tells us that we will see our loved ones again. In fact in 1 Thessalonians 4 when Paul is addressing the topic of the rapture of the church he says that dead in Christ shall rise first and we which are alive and remaining shall be caught up together with them in the clouds and so shall we ever be with the Lord. With them.

With who? With our loved ones that are in heaven now. So if you have someone that has died and gone to heaven you will see them again.

They're not just a part of your past they're also a part of your future. Jesus said I am the resurrection and the life he that believes in me though he were dead yet shall he live. And then he says this and whosoever lives and believes in me shall never die. The Christian never dies.

Now you might say Greg you're delusional of course they die. I understand yes there'll be that moment where we breathe our last breath and we are laid in a grave but that's our body our soul lives on. And one day God will resurrect our bodies as well.

So for me though that was the worst day of my life my hope is that I'll see my son Christopher again and I'm really looking forward to that day. So I've written about this in this book called as it is in heaven. I think one of the most important things you can learn to do is to be heavenly minded. Oh I know I've heard the expression they're so heavenly minded they're no earthly good.

Give me a break. The fact is people who are really heavenly minded do the most earthly good but I think there are people who are so earthly minded they're no heavenly good. By that I mean they never think of the afterlife and I think as we think deeply about the next life it will impact us in this life and the decisions we make and the things that we do and the way that we live and the way we invest our finances and what we do with our time and what our priorities are and the Bible actually tells us in Colossians 3 to set our mind on things above. You could translate it this way think about heaven it's a good thing to think deeply about heaven but you might say well how can I think about a place I've ever been to well you need to know more about it. If I'm gonna take a trip I do a little research oh what's the best hotel to stay in where's the best place to eat what are some fun things to do we're gonna get some great coffee I always like to find the good coffee place and you know we're all going to heaven as Christians should we not know more about our future heavenly destination the answer is yes. So I've written this new book as it is in heaven to tell you what the Bible says about heaven and to remind you of this simple fact it's better than anything you've ever experienced on earth take the best experience you've ever had on planet earth maybe it was that special moment with a loved one watching the sunset maybe it was watching your baby take their first steps maybe it was some other thing you can think of amplify that a thousand times and you get a glimpse of heaven. You see heaven is the real thing earth is sort of like a pale imitation you know earth is sort of like the moon to heaven's Sun it reflects it and it gives us a glimpse of it because there are beautiful things you can see on earth beautiful places you can visit great experiences you can have but they're glimpses of something greater that is yet to come and that's in the afterlife in heaven. So I'll send you this book as it is in heaven for your gift of any size as you invest in our ministry and lay up for yourself treasures in heaven. If you want to know more about heaven and you want to know how to be more heavenly minded order your copy right now of this book that I've written called as it is in heaven. Yes it's great encouragement don't you want to know more about heaven it really belongs in everyone's library and we'll send it to you to thank you for your partnership in helping us bring the gospel each day here on a new beginning so get in touch with your support and be sure to ask for as it is in heaven you can call us anytime night or day at 1-800-821-3300 that's 1-800-821-3300 or write A New Beginning Box 4000 Riverside California 92514 or just go online to harvest.org and by the way Pastor Greg talks more about what's waiting for us in the afterlife in a new podcast available right now at harvest.org and on the harvest plus app look for the title as it is in heaven a new podcast at harvest.org the harvest plus app and on other podcast apps well next time as we continue our top 10 messages of 2023 we feature message number two on the list pastor Greg presents his study called how to look up when things look down join us here on a new beginning with pastor and Bible teacher Craig Laurie A New Beginning is a podcast made possible by harvest partners helping people everywhere know God if this show has impacted your life share your story leave a review on your favorite podcast app and help others find hope