Biblical Principles for Parenting (Part 1 of 2)

As a parent you are always teaching your children whether you're speaking or not. Today on Truth for Life we'll look at how we transfer both good and bad values to the next generation. Alistair Begg asks the important question that we should be asking ourselves, what kind of legacy and heritage will I be leaving to my children?

I had written this question down, and I had written to myself, I wonder what kind of legacy and heritage I will leave to my children. And that was 1980. On that occasion, we had one child, a boy. He was a year and a half.

It seemed then rather premature to ask the question, and yet necessary. And now all of this time has gone through our fingers. So now I am officially middle-aged. At least. Now Fiddler on the Roof has an even greater impact than it did twenty years ago.

Then you could at least stave off the thoughts by recognizing that this is all a long way away from here. Suddenly it's here. Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play? Sunrise?

Sunset? You find yourself saying, Oh, dear me. Let me say this as well. God is the one who will finish all the stories. And for some of us, one of the great joys in heaven will be to discover in heaven what we did not discover on earth—namely, that our children or our grandchildren actually came through and that he was able to restore even the years that locusts had eaten. So I don't want anyone this morning to go away here feeling absolutely miserable and wretched on a sort of guilt trip that is self-induced or man-induced.

I mean, God can prompt us in whatever way he chooses, but that's certainly not my motivation. Rather, I want to speak to those young couples who are here who are in the very threshold of these things. And also, I want to remind us of the wonder of the privilege of motherhood. Now, we've been reminded on a number of occasions of the greeting card mothers—the ones who are surrounded by roses. There was only one mother surrounded by Moses.

But, you know, the perfect ones with the saintly smiles and the gentleness of a water softener, their name always rhymes with no other. You know, you are the mother, there is no other. But that's a bunch of hooey, you know, because the best of mothers are really a piece of work. Erma Bombeck says, in reality, who is your mother? She's an enigma who's faster than a speeding bullet.

She's more powerful than a gold American Express card. She's able to jump over three cars in order to get you home before eleven o'clock. Is your mother really life-set to poetry?

My mother was Genghis Khan in drag. When she lived with us, the world stopped while she napped. She drives me crazy. I'm sixty years old, and she still pours me half a glass of milk and tells me not to spill it. You want to talk guilt? I even apologize for having emergency surgery on her birthday. She's an awesome force who has a hold on you that no one can explain, even if you never saw her.

She's also a bundle of contradictions. Answer me right now, and don't talk with food in your mouth. I know you'll love him, but dump him. I want you to be happy. You've got to start standing on your own two feet and being responsible for yourself.

You can live at home while you're doing it. She has a scary quality for knowing what you do when she doesn't see it, what you said when she doesn't hear it, and what you mean when you don't say it. You spend a lifetime trying to please her and become what she wants you to be, and just when you think you've pulled it off, she pulls in the string, nearly choking you to death. You can't seem to sort out the emotions you feel for her—fear, apprehension, disappointment, anger, frustration, love. A mother has another mysterious quality that divides explanation. Although your father is often bigger, louder, and pays the bills, she is the glue that holds the family together.

Your brother's birthday's next week. Be there. See you at Ann Kate's funeral. You don't have to know what she looks like. I'll point her out to you.

Get rid of this stupid answering machine or you're out of the will. Whether she's a good mother or a difficult mother, know that when she dies, nothing will be the same again. Without her, the family drifts. No one can take the place of the eyes that have seen it all, the hands that reached out and healed, the very presence that brought you and I comfort and stability just by her being there. The greeting card mothers are nice, but they don't even begin to capture that complex woman who touches our lives in such a way that when she goes, the pain is quite unbearable. Well, that, I think, sets it in a fairly humorous and yet very important vein—a reminder to us of the sacred calling of motherhood and the unique privileges that are involved. And the mother, along with the father, share the responsibility in providing for their children physically and materially, mentally, emotionally. And yet all of the physical, material, mental, psychological preparation and provision that is absent the spiritual provision necessary will be unable to mitigate the deep sense of emptiness with which a child will grow—that sense of wondering why it is they even exist, wondering if there is purpose at all in life, wondering if there is someone greater than themselves to whom they ought to give their adoration and praise.

And unless the mother and the father are involved in providing that spiritual framework of instruction, then the child will grow up somewhat clueless and fairly lifeless. It is, of course, of graphic and great importance when we consider the fall of man in Genesis 3. We noted the fact that all of us sin because we are sinners, that all of us are tainted by sin. When Adam sinned, we all in him sin. He brought us down with him so that we do not arrive on planet earth as just a wonderful, pleasant little bundle of emotions. In point of fact, things—although this may be an unappealing idea—are really quite different.

Someone put it in this way. Every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered. He wants what he wants when he wants it—his bottle, his mom's attention, his playmates' toys, his uncle's watch. Deny him these once, and he seizes with rage and aggressiveness, which would be murderous were he not so helpless.

He's dirty. He has no morals, no developed skills. This means that all children, not just certain children, are born delinquent.

So what are you going to do with these delinquents that live in your house, for whom you pay, that eat at your breakfast table, that tug on your tail, that grab for your hand, that stir your hearts and move your minds and can turn you upside down and inside out with a phrase or a song or a look or a goal or a paper or a grade? And is there something distinctively Christian and biblical about the way in which a mother or a father or together should function? And how does it fit with the framework of the early twenty-first century? And are we prepared to be thought Neanderthals for the way in which we abide by biblical principles? Or are we going to go with the spirit of the age? Are we going to go down the stream like dead fish?

Or are we going to swim against the current, bold in the conviction that God has provided for us in the Bible—not simply ideas that may be beneficial but has provided for us in the Bible the mandate for the role of a mother or a father for the responsibility of parenting our children? Now, the Hebrew Shema, which begins in the fourth verse of Deuteronomy 6, many of you recognize because you have Jewish friends. And some of you live in the Heights area, and you are familiar with the Hasidic Jews, with their hair dangling down on the side because of their commitment to the biblical record. But you may have wondered at the things that are attached to their forehead and to their wrists, and you doubtless will have been unable to go in and out of their houses without recognizing that little brass or porcelain scroll that is just tipped to the side. And you may have wondered as you followed them into the house why it was they kissed their fingers and touched it, or whether they touched it and then kissed their fingers, or whether they even kissed it.

What in the world were they doing? They were reminding themselves of this—that there is not a car they could buy, not a degree they could confer, not a something that they could give to their children that could ever take the place of impressing on them the radical importance of the words that are contained in that little scroll. Hear, O Israel, the LORD your God, the LORD is one. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And these commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts, and you shall impress them upon your children, or you shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall talk about them when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you get up again.

Now, that we take to ourselves. For in the lineage of God's grace and goodness, we have discovered the wonder of the redemption that was foreshadowed in the exodus from Egypt, to which Moses was referring in his references here. And I want you to understand that what Moses provides in this little section is a call to parents to provide for their children explanations that are born of their experience—that is, the experience of the mum and the dad—so that the explanations that they provide for their children in Moses' day had to do with the liberation for the bondage of Egypt.

We were once slaves in Egypt, they would say to our children. And God came, and he came by his servant Moses, and he said that he was going to send his angel of death. And so we had to take a lamb, which we did, and we shed its blood, and we painted his blood on the doorposts, and we painted on the lintels of our home. And when the angel of death came, he passed over every house where he could see the blood of the lamb that had been shed. And what was that about, mum? What was that about, dad?

What is that? Well, it is this, that we cannot know God without the shedding of blood. You see, we're sinful, and we need to come into God's presence, but we can't, and the only way that we can come into God's presence is by means of a sacrifice. Yes, I know you're sinful, mum, because I heard you the other day when you got behind that car, and you said some pretty bad things. Why is it that you think you'll be going to heaven? Because you're the perfect mum? No, I'm not the perfect mum.

We all know that. But the reason I'll be going to heaven is because Jesus shed his blood. And I cannot know God or come to God without the shedding of blood.

Well, when did you figure this out, mum? Well, I went a long period of my life before I knew anything about this at all, and so you give them your story. And your children listen with big ears and open eyes, and they say, Okay, so the things that you're telling me are very, very important, are not simply things that are rattling around in your head, but you're providing for me explanations that are born out of your own experience of God's Word and God's truth.

Yes! Listen, without that, we have nothing to say. Without that, we can introduce our kids to religion as a system, but we cannot introduce them to Jesus as a friend and Savior. We can introduce them to a framework, and we can introduce them to bright ideas for certain ways to put their lives together in order that they will be less tyrannous than they might be otherwise. But unless you and I have drunk at the fountainhead of living water, we cannot offer to our children living water. Unless we have eaten of the bread of life, we cannot provide it for them in a way that says, Taste and see that the LORD is good. Therefore, it demands of us this morning this thought, Do I have in my own life as a parent today an experience of God grounded in the truth of his Word, whereby there is a second volume in my life—volume 1 in my pre-converted state, volume 2 in my converted state—having discovered who Jesus is and the wonder of the provision of his shed blood?

Without that, our children are at sea. I want you to give them, says Moses, an explanation that is born of experience. Secondly, I want you to convey to them a hope that is held in your heart. These things are to be upon your hearts. Children can detect very quickly the distinction between what is a heartbeat and what is simply a hollow routine. Children know our hearts because they hear our words. And out of the abundance of our hearts, our mouths speak. People know our hearts, and our children know our hearts, because they see what we spend our money on. They know our hearts because they see where we spend our time. They know our hearts because they see the people with whom we like to spend time, and they know our hearts when they attend upon worship and they discover that their father, whom they admire as a wonderful business chap, as an attender at their sports games, is actually somebody who is prepared to give himself up in the worship of God, and they find that intriguing. And as they hold his hand and it shakes a little, and as they look at the Bible as he holds it out for them, they say, I suppose the reason my dad is holding the Bible for me is because he loves the Bible, and he loves the Jesus of the Bible, and he wants me to love Jesus and to love the Bible.

Exactly right. But if all I'm able to convey to them is that which rattles around in my head, then all that I will provide is that which might rattle around in their heads. In the same way, if my preaching to you appears merely to come from the lucidity of a man's mouth or from the ability of a man's mind, it will die an instant death. But if there is a sense in which it is the conveyance of God's truth through the heart and personality of an individual, then it begins to reach into hearts and into personalities. And the same is true in raising our children. Is say your prayers simply just a routine, or is say your prayers an expression of a heart's longing? Is listen to this an expression of a heart's desire, or is it simply something that we picked up somewhere along the line? Impress these things upon your children as a result of it being out of your hearts.

So, an explanation born of experience, a hope that's held in the heart, and a pattern that is clearly prescribed. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children.

Now, notice carefully what the Bible says. It doesn't say, Impress your children. Because the longer you go, the harder that is in any case. You may be a hero for the first few years, but by the time they get to adolescence and a little bit beyond, you understand why it was that Mark Twain said, When I was sixteen, I thought my father was a fool.

When I got to twenty-five, I realized how much he had learned. And that experience is something that every parent lives through. So, this tyranny for our children's adulation and affection is not a biblical mandate.

It's a sociological whim. If you set out just to impress your children, you may achieve that objective, but you may leave them high and dry. We're not called to impress our children. We're called to impress things upon our children. Stamp your children with the commandments of God. What?

Yes! Now, we understand that we have to indoctrinate our children in all kinds of things. And careful parenting is indoctrination. So I don't like the word? Fine. Choose another word.

I don't mind the word. What is this about if it's not about indoctrination? This is the way we brush our teeth, brush our teeth, brush our teeth, right?

What is that about? It's about indoctrinating your children into the necessity and benefit of making sure that their teeth are clean and they don't smell when they go on the school bus. I don't know many parents who just said, Hey, listen, there are a number of people in society who brush their teeth. There are others who, frankly, don't brush their teeth. I don't want to affect your young life in any way. You're so tender, you're so malleable, you're so… So you're such a wonderful little bundle, so you are. So, hey, there's a toothbrush, there's toothpaste. Do what you like.

But then again, I'm not so sure that that doesn't happen. Did I tell you that one of my children applied for a job just for fun as a nanny out in Santa Barbara? You were only one of three nannies. There were two children.

One was a year and a half, and the other was just a few months. You never looked after both children at the same time. Where she got off the track was when the individual that was involved told her, There's only one thing. You can't tell these children no, ever. There is no such word as no. If you want to guide them, then distract them, but you cannot tell them no.

Look out, folks. We are raising a generation of delinquents without the constraint of biblical commandments. Now, the Christian mom and dad has to say, A pox on all of that foolishness, as surely as it is imperative for me to make sure that my children understand these physical things.

I want them to avoid poison. I don't want them to drive at 120 miles on the freeway. I don't want them to watch everything that comes on the TV. I don't want them to do many things, and I do want them to do others. Well, in the same way, we have a concern that we will impress upon them the wisdom of God.

And the pattern that is prescribed is a vital pattern. And our children are not naturally bent to it. Some of you have come to church this morning, and you've already gone through the situation. If it didn't happen before you got in the car, when you were in the car, why do we have to go here? Why are we going here again?

Can't we go once a month? Why can't I write a golf cart around the course? God is on the golf course, you know.

I know that. He's everywhere. Why do we have to go and listen? I don't understand half of what he says, to which the Father says, Don't worry, he don't understand half of what he says either. William Still, in 1966, writing to his congregation in Aberdeen, Scotland, about the difficulties of keeping children in reasonable behavior in the public worship, says this, During the summer we have had all but infants sitting in church, morning and evening, and I have not been distracted even slightly by them. I want you to notice that in case there's a misunderstanding about our worship guidelines. Some of you may have assumed that we don't want children to come into worship. We're thrilled to have children come into worship.

I love to see moms and dads sit with their children. The only thing we're seeing is this, that where a child is an infant, a baby, a swaddling little creature, and can't understand a thing, and is simply having a dreadful experience, as is the mother and the father and everyone else around, it just seems to make perfect sense to exclude them from that dreadful experience, and everybody else from it as well. But I don't think you've ever heard me complain, because I saw your child lying horizontal after I got to my first point. I don't think I ever reached forward and said to somebody, Hey, waken Jimmy up. He's sound asleep. He needs to hear this. This is good stuff. Like the Scottish minister who looked forward and saw Jimmy McDonald had fallen asleep, and he said to we Jimmy, who was Jimmy McDonald's son, he said, Hey, Jimmy, waken your dad.

And Jimmy shouted back, You wake him, you put him to sleep. So don't misunderstand me. I'm not concerned.

I love to have children. I spent my whole life worshiping in church with my mom and dad. I didn't understand a half of what was going on either, but I understood enough. And that's the point that he makes in this. You are listening to Truth for Life. That is Alistair Begg with a message he's titled biblical principles for parenting.

We'll hear the conclusion tomorrow. As we continue learning from Alistair about what the Bible teaches regarding parenting, we're recognizing how vast is the difference between biblical parenting and what is being promoted in the culture. Our children and grandchildren are confronted with all kinds of non-biblical influences. That's why it's essential that as a foundation, your children know God and understand the gospel. And if you have an older child or a middle schooler in your family or in your friend group, I want to encourage you to request a copy of the book titled Faith Builder Catechism. The book presents 52 questions and answers, one for each week of the year, and it gives young teens and preteens a comprehensive understanding of God's attributes, his nature, his love, his grace, and his plan for salvation. Your children will especially relate to this book if they like playing video games.

The book has a video game theme to it, and each weekly reading uses some fun gaming references and analogies to help make the material to help make the material more easily relatable. Ask for your copy of the Faith Builder Catechism when you donate to support the Bible Teaching Ministry of Truth for Life. You can give through the mobile app or online at truthforlife.org slash donate. If you'd rather mail your donation along with your request for the book, write to Truth for Life at Post Office Box 398000, Cleveland, Ohio.

Our zip code is 44139. Thanks for listening. Do your children accuse you of being mean or unfair when they don't get their way? Tomorrow we'll find out why pandering to your children is actually detrimental. The Bible teaching of Alistair Begg is furnished by Truth for Life, where the Learning is for Living.