“I Take You…” (Part 2 of 2)

Getting married is an exciting time of life. It's also an emotional time of life, but marriage is not all about passion or romance. Today on Truth for Life, we'll find out why the vows we make on our wedding day are far more important than whatever feelings we may share. Alistair Begg is concluding the message titled, I Take You.

He's teaching today from Malachi chapter 2 verses 10 through 16. What is a covenant? When you go to the dictionary, this is what it says, that a covenant is a mutual agreement between two or more people to do or refrain from doing certain things. Therefore, in a marriage covenant, a man and a woman commit themselves to each other for life, and on the basis of solemn vows, they become one. And it is in that context that all of the benefits of marriage are to be enjoyed. Now, if you don't get it by defining it in those terms, let me help you to get it by defining it antithetically. In other words, let's say what marriage isn't.

Let's look very quickly at four unbiblical alternative views of marriage. A convention to be adopted, a consequence to be absorbed, or a convenience simply to be arranged. A kind of annual renewable contract, the same way you reproduce your driver's license. Go get a new picture taken, go get a new license, you're good for another three years, see you around. And if possible, put into it a free agency clause, so that every two or three years you get a chance to split, you know, without any kind of liability at all. You got a prenuptial agreement?

Why? Because you haven't got a covenant. If you've got a covenant, you don't need a prenuptial agreement. If you've got a prenuptial agreement, you ought to go home, find it, and burn it. But you see, if you regard marriage as a convention, as a consequence, as a convenience, then of course, you're going to have to surround it by all kinds of mechanisms in order to safeguard yourself in case he or she doesn't meet your expectations. And consequently, when you put all this together, you realize why many people regard marriage as simply a cage to be avoided. 1976, which is a long time ago now—this is from my files—when marriage is just a cage, Jill Tweedy, forty years old at that time, writing for the Guardian newspaper, writes her very liberated expression of why she regards the notion of a covenantal contract of marriage as being something just completely passé. She says, In my view, the divorce rate is going up for one obvious reason. The kind of marriage we are expected to support simply doesn't suit us anymore.

It falls apart because it has become a sort of anti-life structure, a cage. The expectation that we should live together in a monogamous relationship throughout all of our days goes, she says, against our deepest nature, stunting our growth, making demands upon us that require distorted lives to fulfill. So she concludes, Outside the bonds of Christian marriage we will, I hope, learn for the first time what love is all about. No, we won't. You may find out what lust is all about, but you won't find what love is all about. You may find out what abject selfishness is all about, but you won't find out what the nature of self-giving love is about. Planning on getting married? What are you paying attention to?

Planning on running out? On what basis? In an article that I can't even quote from, because it is so heinous, when a fellow called Mark Goldblatt, who is a teacher at the Fashion Institute of Technology at the State University of New York, he describes, on the twentieth anniversary of MTV, the total filth that we have exported to a hundred and seventy nations of the world, thereby allowing the world to look on and say, America must be a great place when they can do all that stuff. This is what he says, In 1993, MTV tackled religion with its hour-long report on the seven deadly sins. Sneering celebrities and pimply-faced fans chimed in on the subject said viewer Tonya, Sin is kind of like that rod that people beat you over the head with. But don't tell me how to live my life unless you've walked in my shoes. That sentiment was echoed by rapper Ice-T. Quote, I don't think anyone else can pass judgment on anyone and tell them they're sinning.

Ice-T also suggested that not feeling good about yourself was the biggest sin of all. Now, you see, this is the worldview of people. This is the idea of freedom. Freedom is being able to completely please myself. It has got nothing to do with the moral awareness of the unenforceable oughtness of society. It is simply, I can do what I like.

That's freedom. And as soon as that is then embraced as freedom, then the notions that we're now dealing with here in terms of a covenantal relationship with God, they're completely passing. Now, if you think this is overstating it, you go for your homework and read Genesis 15, and when you get there, you'll discover this dramatic encounter between God and Abraham, and there is deep darkness, there is the presence of a bright torch, which speaks of the presence of God in this situation, and they are cutting animals in half, and they're putting them on one side and the other side, and then the parties in the covenant walk in between these divided animals. You say, what is that kind of archaic thing?

What is being said is this. May I be torn in half if I don't fulfill my covenantal obligation to you. That's why the Hebrew doesn't speak about making a covenant. It speaks about cutting a covenant.

And in the cutting and in the death and in the solemn darkness there was the dramatic display, imagery, which conveyed the most dreadful consequences for failing to keep one's vows. And vows it is. Vows they are, not feelings.

It's vows that we make in a covenant. It's not feelings that we share in the marriage. Do you remember how you felt on the day you were married? I can't remember everything that I felt, but I do know some of the things I felt. I feel warm now, but not as warm as I felt then.

A hundred and three sweaty degrees in suburban Philadelphia. I felt excited. I felt embarrassed. Because I had a ridiculous tuxedo that Susan had picked out for me. She no longer dresses me as you can see.

Sorry hun. And I had a bow tie that was so huge that if the wind had blown, they would have thought I was the life flight or something. I just could take off over the building. So I was hard. I was embarrassed. I was excited. And I just wanted to get out of there.

From about the beginning when he said, we're gathered here in the presence of God. I said, that's enough. Let's go. But that was how I felt. What did I do? Well, I made promises, vows that are like edges on the pavement when you're riding your bike to keep you in the thing so you don't go flying off the sides. Because if I'm relying on my feelings to keep me from going off the sides, and still they come. Young couples full of enthusiasm and love, and they tell me, Pastor Beck, you're going to be so excited we wrote our own vows. I say, look in my eyes and tell me if you think I'm excited. I say, you may have written your own vows, but you're sure not reading them in my marriage ceremony. Cause once bitten, twice shy. I've been there and I've done that.

And it's bad. It goes like this. As a seal to the vows you're now about to make, will you give each other the right hand? It's amazing how couples don't even know what's the right hand when they're getting married. Anyway, they turn and they face one another. And then the fellow, if you're not careful, he launches off into something like this.

Penelope, the first time ever I saw your face, I felt the earth move in my hand. I'm going, hey, time out right now. Son, this is not the honeymoon. This is the wedding ceremony for goodness sake. We're not interested in hearing about the earth moving or anything else. We're here for some vows.

Some better, worse, rich, poor, sickness, health, that kind of stuff. This is volitional. This is not emotional. Cause if you start the earth off on your emotions, you may not even get out of the limousine after the photographs before you're ready to pitch her. And she may not even make it through the photographs with you. So you gotta make vows. This is a covenant. You can have Roberta Flack writing your vows, for goodness sake.

They always say, well, we've contemporized it. We've come up with wonderful words. Okay, tell me some of your wonderful words.

I always ask them the same thing. Give me a synonym for cherish. For cherish. Now, they may give you a cinnamon bun, but they can't give you a synonym for cherish. Ten words later, they can't come up with a word that's as good as cherish. Of course.

That's why it has lasted for three hundred and fifty years. It's a good word. Leave it alone. Now, some of you are really ticked because you wrote the best vow I've ever heard in the Western Hemisphere. Fine. Go home and read them to yourself. Have a pleasant afternoon. Do not send me a copy. Thank you.

It goes like this. I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Alistair, do take you, Susan, to be my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part. That's pretty solemn stuff, isn't it?

That doesn't sound like a contract to me. See, in marriage, what we're doing, in the covenant of marriage, we are entering into what is essentially a covenant of companionship. We're saying, I will be your partner throughout life. You will be my companion throughout life. And it is as we grow together as companions on the journey of life, maintained by the covenantal commitment, challenged by the ebb and flow of circumstances, tempted by the marauding sights and influences all around us, it is by means of that covenant as enabled by God that we stay on the track. And it is as a result of this companionship that men and women become one intellectually, emotionally, physically. They even begin in some cases to look like each other, which is, in Sue's case, is distressing prospect.

But that's why in a room after all these years, you don't have to have a cellular phone. You just look. You just go. And you know. What was that about? You know. When you get kicked under the table when you're first married, you go, why did you kick me under the table? Now you don't have to ask. You know the kick. You know where it was. Just below the knee equals X. Just a little further down equals Y.

And two quick ones on the ankle means, let's get out of here. Now, that's not telepathy. That's companionship.

We developed this over time. So did you. Why do I think this way? Why do I feel this way?

Why do I act this way? Because my focus is on fulfilling my vows, not on having my needs met. In a marriage covenant, you promise to be the companion to your spouse. I promise to be your companion, even though it goes this way, this way, this way, or this way. You do not enter into a contract whereby if she or he fulfills certain requirements written by you, then you will continue your side of the bargain. No. It's a covenant.

And if your focus is there, then there's tremendous freedom. You don't have to live every day with the prospect of divorce, because divorce is not an option. It's not an option. You know, when I get older, losing my hair, right? Not so long from now. Will you still be sending me a Valentine?

And birthday greetings a bottle of wine? And if I stay out after 36 holes of golf to a quarter to three, will you slam the door? Will you still need me? Or will you still feed me?

Well, I'm 64. The answer is yes. She may be waiting behind the door with a three-wood. But she's behind the door. Because she promised to be behind the door. And I came back through the door because I promised to come back through it. It's a covenant. It's not easy, but it's straightforward. What is a successful marriage?

Two clumsy, stumbling sinners stuck together as loving companions in a sacrificial relationship which takes place in face of life's chaos. So I don't know how many of you woke up this morning like Fred Flintstone. You know, yabba-dabba-doo!

Hey, we're married! You know. Hands up all who began the day that way. There we go. Good, I'm in an honest group. That's fine. No, you began the day the same way you began every other day. I'm alive!

This is good! And depending on how you feel, the fact is, the matter you can go to your spouse and say, You're stuck with me. You're stuck with me. Any one of us could make a royal hash of things. I just was with Paul Overstreet, and we were talking together, and I hadn't fully realized all the wonderful songs that Paul Overstreet had written. You know, the Randy Travis hit Forever and Ever, Amen. He wrote that.

I Won't Take Less Than Your Love, Sweet Love. He wrote that. He also wrote the song, The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. You know that song? It's a big hit in the movie Notting Hill as well, sung by somebody else. But he also wrote the Randy Travis song on the other hand.

I don't know if you remember it, but it's a very clever song. The guy says, You know, here I am, and I'm out, and I'm on a business trip or whatever else it is. And he's in the company of somebody other than his wife. And he says, You know, on the one hand, we could spend the evening together without a great deal of difficulty, after all. And then he says, But on the other hand, there's a golden band that reminds me of someone who wouldn't understand.

And so while on this hand we could do this, the reason I have to go is on the other hand. Now, what's on the hand? A vice? A chain? An electronic detection system? A ring?

A symbol? Not of feelings, but of a covenant, which we break at our own peril and to the dreadful impact of all concerned. Listen to this from a thirteen-year-old girl. Dear fathers, if you're a father thinking about leaving your family, I don't believe you truly know in your heart what your child is going through. I may seem to be a normal thirteen-year-old girl. I smile on the outside. I show a positive attitude, but inside I'm crying out so loud for a normal family life. You see, my father left my mom and me when I was eighteen months old. He probably thought that I was too young for the divorce to affect me, but he was wrong. What happened to the commitment and the promise that he made to my mom, and most importantly to God? I just would like to be a normal kid.

What's so wrong with that? I've sat in restaurants the last ten years staring at the complete families around us, wondering—wondering what it would be like to have a father at home, to have a father kiss me goodnight and listen to my prayers, a father to be there at my volleyball games, to look at my report cards, to meet my teachers or maybe even tell me, I love you. But all the waitress sees is the smile on my face. Doesn't my dad know how much he's hurt me? If God gave me one wish and one wish only, I would wish for my father to watch me grow up. He wasn't there when I had my birthdays. He wasn't there for my school events or for my Girl Scout awards programs.

He never met any of my teachers and never saw a report card. My father got what he wanted. He couldn't face the responsibility of me. He got his freedom.

He gambled. What he doesn't realize is that he lost his little girl. And from a twenty-eight-year-old lady, I grew up in an unstable, non-Christian home. I've had five parents and three sets of siblings.

My mother just called me this past Sunday to inform me that she's about to bestow upon me a sixth parent and a fourth set of siblings. I understand in the very depths of my being why God hates divorce and why we should too. No good thing comes from it, ever. Divorce has not only stolen from me a family, but also the grapes my parents ate with relish have set my teeth on edge. Divorce answers no question, solves no problem, resolves no conflict, gives no respite, restores no dignity, and grants no peace. Divorce cannot be dealt with too harshly, especially in the church of Jesus Christ. I bless God that he knows no divorce in the marriage covenant that he has established between himself and his bride. We must teach husbands and wives to honor the covenant they made before God if for no other reason than the sake of the next generation. If our wedding vows are grounded in passion or emotions, we're in trouble.

Wedding vows are to be grounded in a lifelong covenant of companionship. You're listening to Alistair Begg on Truth for Life. Alistair will join us in just a minute to close with prayer. Today's the last day of our series titled We Too Are One. If you missed any part of this series on marriage or would like to re-listen or share these messages with a friend, you can download any or all of the messages for free at truthforlife.org.

Well, we have concluded our study of marriage. On Monday, we'll begin a study in the book of Ecclesiastes. This is a book that contains a great deal of wisdom about every aspect of life. In fact, you'll find it well worth your time to dig into the important lessons in this section of Scripture. To help you with that, you'll want to request a new book we're introducing titled Living Life Backward.

This book takes a deep dive into the teaching in the book of Ecclesiastes. Most of us don't like to think about the reality of death. It's easier to divert our attention to the pressing issues of the moment, but Living Life Backward explains that death is a light God shines on the present to radically change our thinking.

The book explains that when death is in full view, we no longer try to control life, we begin to enjoy it as a gift. Request your copy when you donate today to give. Simply tap the book image in the mobile app or visit us online at truthforlife.org slash donate.

Or if you'd prefer, you can call us at 888-588-7884. Now, here's Alistair to close with prayer. O God our Father, we stand naked before your Word. We feel like Isaiah. We are a people of unclean lips. We dwell in the midst of others who have unclean lips.

We are so easily infiltrated and influenced by the godless, mechanistic thinking of the surrounding culture. We read the Bible, and it jars us and strikes us as of dramatic impact. Some of us, Lord, have come through the tortuous events that we are seeking to encourage others never to get to, and we find ourselves buffeted by recollections. We pray that they may be buried at the cross, that Satan will find no foothold as we seek to turn our backs on what is before and press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ. But we unite to pray first for our own marriages, that we might fulfill the vows that we have made, that you might save us from sentimentalism and infatuation, from riding, as it were, our bicycle right off the path and down into the destruction that awaits us on the edges of the concrete. We pray that you would help us so to train our children that they might find the awesomeness and the solemnity of this an absolutely graphic picture, that they might take things seriously. And for our grandchildren in a generation yet unborn, we pray that we may so live, so teach, so proclaim the wonder of your covenantal love that until Christ returns, the church may be as a light in a dark place. And may the grace of the Lord Jesus and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit rest upon and remain with each one of us today and forevermore. Amen.

I'm Bob Lapine. We hope you enjoy your weekend and hope you're able to worship with your local church. Join us Monday as we'll begin a fast-paced study of Ecclesiastes. Together we'll learn how to make sense of life in a crazy world. The Bible teaching of Alistair Begg is furnished by Truth for Life where the Learning is for Living.