A Lesson About Romance

Many of you got married and were hot in love. Now you're married and it's cold as an icicle. Dr. Tony Evans talks about romance, God's style. You are to be her shade, the place where she finds comfort in the midst of a storm. That's the character of romance. This is The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans. Author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas and president of the Urban Alternative. Regardless of whether we're married or single, the need for love is hardwired into our DNA.

That's the way God made us. But He's also given us specific ways He wants us to seek and express our romantic side. And that's what Dr. Evans covers today. Let's join him in the Song of Solomon. If Solomon were living today, he would be president of the Players Club. Any man that can get 700 wives and 300 girlfriends is a player. He is the Prince of Love.

If he was a singer, he would sound like Barry White. Because the man was a lover from his heart. Being a player didn't fare very well before God.

Because he lost everything because he was a player. However, God uses this very same man, who is an illustration of what relationships ought not be, to be a paradigm and a model of what relationships ought be. The Song of Solomon is written to define romance, love, dating, sex, marriage, from God's viewpoint. God so valued this, He placed the whole book in the Bible that most people have never read and few people who have read it understand to give us an understanding of how romance is to be expressed and experienced in the context of those who know God. First of all, a snapshot of the character of romance. Chapter 1, the Song of Songs.

There's no song like this one, which is Solomon. May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. For your love is better than wine. Your oils have a pleasant fragrance, and your name is like purified oil. Therefore, the maidens love you.

Draw me after you and let us run together. The king has brought me into his chambers. Here we have the Shulamite bride during the courtship with King Solomon, and she is enamored with his character. She says that I am pleased with your fragrance. In verse 3, that is, you smell good.

When you walk into the room, I am overwhelmed with your scent. But notice, not only do you smell good from your body oils, he says in verse 3, your name is like purified oil. In other words, your cologne makes you smell good, but your character makes you smell better. To put it another way, my love Solomon, not only do you smell good on the outside, but I can pick up your scent on the inside. Ladies, beware of men who smell good on the outside, but who have a stench of a personality, who can make themselves smell like a player.

But when you come to find what makes them tick on the inside, there are no fragrances there. Do not measure your romance purely by the externals, but by what he calls, she calls, your name. And then the Bible, name refers to character. You say, how do I know his character? The end of verse 3 says, well, the maidens love you.

In other words, I have other people who know about your character too. If you're the only one who thinks he's a great guy, go slow. Other people have picked up on that this is a man of excellence and a man of honor and so much, and so she says in verse 4, draw me after you and let us run together. You take the lead and I'll come alongside and run with you.

If you're dating him and he's not leading you now, don't have great expectations, he will lead you in. She goes on to say, I am black but lovely, verse 5. O daughters of Jerusalem, tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon, do not stare at me because I am swarthy, for the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me. They made me caretaker of the vineyard, but I have not taken care of my own vineyard. In other words, I've had to work so hard. Life has been so tough. I've had to stay out in the sun so long that while I've taken care of my business, I have not taken care of myself. Don't look too hard because I'm not presentable right now. I'm not up to snuff.

I'm not where I need to be. I'm gonna maintain my standards. I'm not gonna be like the ladies who hang out at the end of verse 7, beside the flocks of your companions, or we would say in our day to day, who hang out at the hotel rooms and at the convention centers. Because even though life is rough, I'm still gonna maintain my dignity and my character.

And yes, I've had a bad background, and yes, my brothers were angry against me, and they put me out to do extra work in the fields, and I know that life is tough, but you still won't find a veil over my face. Point is, if you're gonna be God's kind of woman, you maintain your character no matter how tough things get. No matter how difficult days are that you maintain your dignity. Yes, I want you, but I will not disgrace myself to have you.

Yes, I love you, but I'm not gonna go and demean myself to be with you. I'm going to maintain my dignity. I'm going to maintain my rapport. I'm going to maintain my uniqueness, even though life's rough.

You won't find me veiling myself. I won't be like one of those ladies, teenagers. You make men respect you. The way you make them respect you is you don't descend to the level of their expectations. You make them ascend to the level of your dignity. You don't let them define you. You define you under God. In verse 8, Solomon speaks and says, still in this first snapshot, if you yourself do not know most beautiful among women, go forth on the trail of the flock and pasture your young goats by the tents of the shepherd. To me, darling, you are like my mayor among the chariots of Pharaoh. Now, that's a player talking.

Watch what he says. She says, don't look at me now, because I got rollers in my hair. I haven't put my makeup on. I have cutaway jeans on. I'm sweaty, and life's been hard.

But then the lover steps in. You're still pretty. Without your makeup on, you're the prettiest thing I've seen.

And I know your hair as in curlers still look good to me. In fact, lady, you're like the mayor that leads the chariot of Pharaoh. In other words, you're like the prize horse in the parade.

I had to make a woman sing. In other words, even though her self-esteem is low, when the lover is in the house, the temperature goes up. Because rather than agreeing, you are dark and uncumbly and swarthy, he defines her in terms of her value to him, not her view of herself. And the job of a biblical lover, the job of a man who knows God, is not to reinforce your mate's failure, but to raise up her level of expectation. Your cheeks, verse 10, are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of beads. He says, I love you just the way you are.

I accept you unconditionally. He affects her self-esteem. He gives her another view of herself. And when he does, when he gives her this different perspective of herself, it affects now how she looked at her own self, as we'll see in a moment. At the heart of all of this was an understanding in God's economy of romance.

You always start from the inside out, not from the outside in. In chapter one, she was in the sun. Now she's with him, and she's in the shade. So I want to ask you, lovers, does your wife find shade when she wants to leave the sun of the burdens of her life? Can she come sit down at your feet and you cover her with shade? Or is it as hot at your feet as it was from that which is burdening her? You are to be her shade, the place where she finds comfort in the midst of a storm. That's the character of romance.

It has to do with what is on the inside, moving to what is on the outside, and not getting tricked because something looks good. Dr. Evans will come back in a moment with more on what godly romance looks like, both for married couples and for singles, when he continues this message from a series dealing with one of his most requested topics ever. It's called Marriage Matters, and it covers practical issues like finances and communication, as well as digging into the spiritual roots of the marriage covenant, dealing with the spiritual side of sexuality, and laying the groundwork for a real family revival. We'd like to send you the complete 14-lesson collection on CD or digital download so you can explore these important topics with your spouse or even your small group Bible study. Just contact us by phone or online, make a contribution, and we'll send you a copy of all the messages in this two-volume series with our thanks and appreciation. And for a limited time, we'll also send you three of Tony's popular booklets covering more of these marriage topics in a quick-to-read, easy-to-digest format.

You'll receive Marriage Matters, For Married Men Only, and For Married Women Only, along with all the full-length messages from the Marriage Matters series. Just visit tonyevans.org to get the ball rolling, or call our resource request line at 1-800-800-3222 any time of the day or night. I'll repeat that contact information for you again after Dr. Evans returns with more of today's lesson right after this. I'm standing here in Alaska, one of the most glorious places in God's great creation, and I want to invite you to join me and our Urban Alternative family for the Alaskan cruise. We're going to have a magnificent time in God's Word and in God's creation. We're going to enjoy great fellowship, great fun, great food, and I'm looking forward to meeting and greeting you on our TUA Alaskan cruise.

Register to be there. Can't wait to be with you. To find out more about this unforgettable Alaskan cruise, visit tonyevans.org today.

That's tonyevans.org. That leads to the cultivation of romance. In chapter 2, verse 4, he has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. How is a romance cultivated? Many of you got married and were hot in love. Now you're married and it's cold as an icicle.

There's only one reason for that. It's got nothing to do with we have different personalities. You had different personalities when you met.

I'll tell you the difference. You stopped cultivating the romance. That's what happened. You didn't get different. You changed. They didn't change.

He just hid it from you while you were dating. He's always been that way. You changed. Sustain me with raisins and cakes. Refresh me with apples, because I am lovesick. I can't stand it. I'm weak at the knees. I just can't stand up. I got to sit down. Can't take it. I'm weak at the knees. I am lovesick. When winter comes, the job, as Psalm 128 says, she will be a fruitful vine within my house. Why? Because I am the thermostat and she is the thermometer.

She is to give the reading of my temperature setting. And so if you want a summer wife, don't bring home winter weather. See, most men don't know the power of a man. Man is powerful. God told Adam, name the animals, which means have authority over them.

Okay? Then when Eve comes, he names her. That was an act of authority, because a man is powerful. He can change the temperature.

He can take a woman who says, I hate you, and work that thing. And all of a sudden, he ain't that bad to kind of like him. But all romances have conflict, and that leads us to the conflict of romance. We discover this conflict as they enter into a difficult time. Chapter 5, verse 2. I was asleep, but my heart was awake. A voice my beloved was knocking.

Open to me my sister, my darling, my love, my perfect one, for my head is drenched with dew. My locks are with the damp of the night. But her response is, I've taken off my clothes. How can I put them on again? I have washed my feet.

How can I get them dirty again? I'm tired. I have a headache.

Leave me alone. In other words, she's gotten used to him. Before she said, got to be with you, want to be with you, need to be with you. Now she says, I'm tired. I've already gotten undressed to go to bed.

I don't want to get up and get my feet dirty again. Leave me alone. But notice the player. My beloved extended his hands through the opening that was in the door, and my feelings were aroused for him. He didn't get mad and start hitting her. He didn't say, what goes around comes around. He says, I'm just gonna turn up the pilot.

I'm gonna turn up the heat. And in the first few verses of chapter 6, they reunite with one another, and they overcome the conflict with more love. Fifthly, chapter 8, verse 5, she is leaning on her beloved underneath the apple tree.

We would say underneath the stars or the moonlit night. There your mother was in labor with you, like a woman crying out in pain. There are times in love where there is pain, but you don't walk away from love because love hurts sometimes. People say, well, we don't want to be married anymore because it's too painful. No more painful than Christ on a cross, and he didn't walk away from Calvary. Love is painful sometimes. And yes, that means you take medicine, but it does not mean that you skip love.

It is oftentimes like a woman having a baby, but it is also persevering. In fact, he says in verse 6, put me as a seal over your heart. Let a seal be on your arms, for love is strong as death. In other words, permanent. Death is permanent. Your love should be as permanent as your death will be. When you die, you will never come back. And when you love, you should never come back. The word divorce should not come up. Now, I know God allows under certain exceptional circumstances, but that should not be the routine.

It should be. We will fight. We didn't get it right this year.

We will fight better next year. But divorce will not come up in this house because it's a seal. It's irreversible. Verse 7, many waters cannot quench love, nor rivers overflow it if a man were to give, watch this, all to the riches of his house for love it where he would be utterly despised. In other words, you can buy sex. You can't buy love. Because love must be given. Love cannot be demanded. It must be given out of the one who is doing the loving. A word for those who are waiting for romance. You're single. You're not married. Nobody's loving you right now. Verse 8 says, when I was a little sister and had no breast, that is, I was a child.

I had not developed yet. Her brothers are talking. Verse 9, if she is a wall, we shall bind her on a battlement of silver. A wall meaning sturdy. If she doesn't budge, if she holds her femininity intact, doesn't go man chasing, and if she holds her ground, we will reward her. She's saying, I stood my ground and I was a wall, not a door. Every man knew you're not walking in and out of here.

Okay? I am not your door. I am not your plaything. I am not your toy.

I'm a wall. King Solomon fell in love with a common woman. She wasn't so common now. Yeah, ladies, men want to hang around the women who are loose, but that's not the ones they want to marry. The ones they want to marry are towers, are strong. Dr. Tony Evans will come back in a moment with a final story for singles who've been towers for so long that their strength is running out. But first, take a moment to get in touch with us and request a copy of our current 14-part compilation by Dr. Evans called Marriage Matters. It's designed to help you keep the epidemic of family failure from infecting your home. As I mentioned earlier, when you make a contribution to help keep Tony's ministry strong here in the first part of 2022, we'll send you both volumes of Marriage Matters as our thank you gift.

As a special added bonus, we'll also include For Married Men Only, For Married Women Only, and Marriage Matters, three popular booklets Tony's written on these important topics. Get all the details and make the arrangements when you visit us online at toneeavons.org. Once again, that's toneeavons.org. Or call our resource request line at 1-800-800-3222, where team members are standing by to assist with your request day and night.

Again, that's 1-800-800-3222. The last couple of years, we've all become very aware that we can catch something from those we come in contact with. Well, fortunately, not everything that's contagious is bad for us. In fact, there are many things we can spread that are helpful. Kindness is one of those good viral things. And we encourage you to practice acts and words of kindness so others will see and do the same. Revival is another contagious good. And tomorrow, Dr. Evans will explain how we can help it spread to the people who mean the most to us, our families.

Right now, though, he's back to share a final word of encouragement for struggling singles. I had to go to Memphis for a brief meeting. And the plane was delayed. And I'm getting a little nervous because when I get to Memphis, I really have to drive an hour away to Jackson, Tennessee. And I'm not dressed for the engagement.

I have my clothes in overhang. It's an hour later. We still haven't boarded. We sit on the runway for another 30 minutes before we take off. I have a 730 speaking engagement. It's an hour and I haven't changed clothes.

I am somewhat relatively rugged. The man is there to pick me up. I say, boy, it begins at 730. He says, don't worry, they'll wait. I said, well, should I change my, should I just go and speak what I have on? He says, no, no, no. When we get to Jackson, I'm gonna pull off, take you to my father's house, and you go in and you change. But don't worry.

He got off the highway. I was rushing to try to change because I hate being late. He says, take your time. They'll wait.

So I'm all sweating and frustrated and irritated, getting my clean clothes dirty. I look at the clock, we're late for the engagement. He says, watch my watch.

He says, don't worry. I walk into this glorious grand ballroom. Thousands of people. I come in and they stand up and applaud. Not only did they wait, they celebrated my arrival. Some of you singles been waiting at the airport a long time. They'll wait. Some of you been hanging on the runway a long time, but they'll wait.

Yes, I know you're dressed in your own clothes and you don't look yet like you want to look, and you don't have yet what you want to have, and you can't afford yet what you want to afford. Take your time. They'll wait. Because when you step in, if you're right, he or she will stand up and applaud. They'll wait. The alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by The Urban Alternative and is made possible by the generous contributions of listeners like you.