How to Cope with Loss (Dr. Evans)

Your will must always be the engine. Your emotions must always be the caboose. Dr. Tony Evans says there's danger when we let the feelings we can't control guide us.

The moment the caboose is pulling the train, your journey is in trouble. Celebrating 40 years of faithfulness, this is The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans. Author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of the Urban Alternative. There comes a time in each of our lives when God somehow disappoints us. How should we respond when it feels as though that's happened? Dr. Evans explores this today as he takes an intimate look at how to cope with loss.

Let's join him. I wonder how many people have had to wrestle with God. How many have been disappointed by God? God has, in your sense, let you down. He didn't come through for you. Probably something you wouldn't readily say out loud, that God has disappointed you. God has let you down. He hasn't come through like you hoped He would, believed He would, thought He would.

Well, you're not alone. The Bible has stories in it of people who didn't feel like God knew what He was doing, who felt let down by the deity, who felt abandoned, who felt confused, who felt that God wasn't there when they needed Him. Particularly if it's something major, something that's not just a run-of-the-mill, but something that was terribly significant, and you felt God was just not there for you.

Of course, this is the question of Job. He wanted to know, why do the righteous suffer? He didn't understand.

And even his friends couldn't help him out, trying to figure out why he was suffering. The truth would be told, me and God have been wrestling. Me and God have been wrestling with why He took Sister Evans at this particular point when there was so much prayer, so much expectation, so many signals of healing, and things went in the other direction. So the reality is most, if not all, have those times in our lives when we struggle with God, when the statement that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts becomes very real in your situation, because in light of what happened, He sure wasn't thinking what you were thinking.

In His way, He sure wasn't the ways that you had planned things to work out. So these are real questions. One biblical writer, one biblical author who raised this question that I've mentioned from time to time is the prophet Habakkuk. Habakkuk gives us some of his sentiments in verse 2 of the first chapter when he says, How long, O Lord, will I call for help? And you will not hear. I cry out to you, violence, yet you do not save.

Anybody feel him here? His question is, How long do I have to pray about this, talk to you about this, plead with you about this, and heaven is silent? He has a question in verse 2. He says, Why?

Isn't that our question? Why? Why? I asked that question today, actually. Not only that, you know, why did you take St. Evans, but why in one of the exams wasn't it discovered earlier so it could have been dressed earlier?

That was a why, too. Chapter 3, verse 16, he says, I heard and my inward parts trembled. At the sound my lips quivered, decay entered my bones, and in my place I tremble, because I must wait quietly for the day of distress for the people to rise who will invade us. To make that short, he says, I'm unraveling.

I tremble at the outlook of what I see coming. He is a man, a prophet of God who is hurting deeply. Now the backdrop of this book is God is bringing judgment on his people for their idolatry and their rebellion against him, and he's going to use the Babylonians to bring the judgment. And Habakkuk the prophet is struggling with, number one, the fact of judgment, and number two, he's going to use people worse than the Israelites to do the judging. And he can't figure out God's thinking, can't figure out God's perspective. He makes a statement that we've all either heard or said in chapter 3, verse 20, but the Lord is in his holy temple, let all the earth be silent before him.

So Habakkuk is struggling with the why question, the how long question, and the not being able to figure it out, and all he can do is be silent. Now in the secular world, they would offer us a number of suggestions about facing this kind of situation when the world doesn't make sense. Some would encourage us to resignation. That is, well, I just have to accept it because there's nothing I can do about my despair.

So they resign themselves. What will be will be, and that's just how it is. Another approach to dealing with despair and disappointment is detachment. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to deal with it. So I'm going to find something to distract me from it so that I don't have to think about it. The problem with detachment is your despair knows how to work around it. It knows how to seep in when those gaps come. So you got to keep finding more escape to detach you from the pain of the problem and the difficulty.

So some people resign, others detach. Then there are the he-men, the bravado. These are the ones that say, well, hold your chin up.

You, you're going to beat this. So there are many ways that people seek to beat their despair when the questions are how long and why. And as he says, I tremble in my despair. But I want to offer you through the prophet Habakkuk another approach when God does not make sense. Habakkuk helps me out, helps us out in verses 17 to 19 of chapter 3. Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stall. All that's bleak. It says, though this is the reality, yet, verse 18, I will exalt in the Lord. I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet and makes me walk on my high places. Let's spend a few moments here.

I want to center for a moment on two words. His situation is bleak. His circumstances are out of His control because most of these problems are tied to the fact there is no rain, and He can't make it rain. It's out of His control.

You can't do anything more to make it better. In our situation, there was nothing we were not willing to do and nothing that was within our control that we didn't try. That's His situation here. But then He utters two words, very important words. He says, I will. He says, I will, but what He decides to do goes against how He feels. See, we've been already told how He feels. He's got all these questions, and He says in 16, He's in distress. So we know what His emotions are doing. They've hit rock bottom, but He makes a choice.

He says, I will. Sometimes faith and feelings get along. Sometimes you feel faithish. Faith and—faith and feelings have become partners.

They're working together, but sometimes they get divorced. Your will must always be the engine. Your emotions must always be the caboose.

The moment the caboose is pulling the train, your journey is in trouble. And that is because you can't always control how you feel. Feelings change all the time based on influences, impacts, circumstances, situations, happy, sad, glad, mad, frustrated, irritated, exasperated. You know, feelings are all over the place. You're crying one minute. You're laughing the next. So how do we handle those feelings?

Do we just ignore them? Dr. Evans will have the answer for us when he continues in just a moment. But first, I'd like to tell you about a powerful new book that goes hand in hand with the messages we've been sharing these past few days. It's called Divine Disruption—Holding on to Faith When Life Breaks Your Heart. Before her passing, Lois Evans had urged her family to work together on a collaborative project. And this brand new book, focusing on how they process their own grief and loss, is the product of her wish. In Divine Disruption, Dr. Evans and his four adult children— Crystal Evans Hurst, Priscilla Shire, Anthony Evans, and Jonathan Evans— candidly share honest questions they've asked, raw emotions they've felt, and solutions they've learned through the tumultuous experience of losing eight loved ones in less than two years' time. Through their shared experiences and individual viewpoints, you'll discover your own path to persevere in difficult times, and ultimately to experience God's peace through it all. We'd like to send you your own copy of Divine Disruption as our thank-you gift when you make a contribution to help us keep Tony's teaching on this station. Along with it, we'll send you CDs or access to digital downloads of all seven parts of our current Living with Loss series, including today's message as well as a touching roundtable conversation with the Evans family about grief. Again, both these resources are yours with our thanks when you make a donation online at TonyEvans.org or call our resource center day or night at 1-800-800-3222.

That's 1-800-800-3222. Well, Dr. Evans will come back with more of our message right after this. You can never ignore the reality of emotions. Emotions—how you feel is real.

Emotions are never to be dismissed like they don't exist or that they don't matter. But what he did was say, I will. I'm going to make a decision in spite of my distress and despair, in spite of unanswered questions about how long and unanswered questions why, I'm going to make a decision. I will exalt in the Lord. I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

I will do that. I have made a choice, as we would say in more contemporary language, to praise Him anyhow. Not to praise Him for what I'm feeling, but to praise Him in the midst of what I'm feeling. I will praise Him. He says, I will exalt in the Lord the God of my salvation.

He says, I will rejoice. When you read the Psalms, you see this regularly. David praising God while in the midst of describing pain.

So he's describing pain. Psalm 42, you know, he's looking at all the negatives, he says, but I will yet praise Him. I will yet praise Him.

He makes a decision. I will rejoice, celebrate the God of my salvation. What is the result of this celebration?

Because with the celebration, watch this now, comes a change of focus. I'm going to focus on the God of my salvation. Didn't change his problem, but it changed his perspective in the midst of his problem. Verse 19, the Lord God is my strength. When you're in despair, by the nature of its impact on you, you are weak. You're either physically weak or emotionally weak, psychologically weak, circumstantially weak.

You're just weak. He says, but the Lord has given him strength. Strength didn't come because the circumstance changed. Strength came because God entered into his equation.

In your despair, don't fall into the trap of drawing from him rather than drawing to him. And then he goes further. He's given me strength, verse 18, and he has made my feet like hinds feet and makes me walk on my high places. The picture here is of a mountain goat or a mountain deer. He's talking about high places, mountains. The beauty of a mountain goat or a mountain deer is sure-footedness while they climb. They have the unique ability, because of the strength in their legs, to climb the mountain without falling into potholes or pits.

They're able to navigate the terrain of the mountain. Now, I know we would all prefer it to read, and he makes my high places disappear. I would prefer that, that my high places disappeared. But what God did was strengthen my legs. He did not cancel the mountain. He changed my footwork, both by strengthening me and showing me how to navigate the terrain.

He has changed my footwork and makes me walk on high places. He gives me the ability to climb this mountain and to navigate the terrain. Sounds a lot like the end of Isaiah 40, doesn't it? They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles.

Run, I grow weary. Or can not think. They will be able to keep going when, in your own humanity, you want to quit.

I would love, I would love to be able to say that when we follow God, the mountains disappear. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they do.

But there are those times when they don't. You have to learn to become a spiritual mountain climber, have to ask God for strength. But he got the strength in his rejoicing. Right now, and I know it's still early on for me, I have to start my day asking the Lord for strength for today.

And to say, even sometimes with tears rolling down, I'm going to praise you anyhow. Sometimes I have to do that. I have questions. Why? I have questions. We all have why questions.

If you haven't had one, keep living. There'll be a why question. And you praise God if you get an answer, because many times he does give answers. But there are sometimes he doesn't explain himself. So if I were to entitle this time with you, I would simply call it trusting God in the dark. Trusting God when there's a great lack of clarity, when he has not made himself inextricably clear.

When you have to wonder what he's doing, why he's doing it, why is he doing it now, why is he doing it in this way, why does it hurt so bad, why does it hurt this long. Praise God for those times when he gives you a clear answer. But according to Rebecca, praise him even when he doesn't. And let him give you new strength. Dr. Tony Evans, sharing biblical truth and personal experience in a message called How to Cope with Loss.

And he'll come back in just a moment with a final thought. But first, I want to let you know that the full-length version of today's message is available as a part of the current seven-part series, Living with Loss. Remember, it's yours with our thanks, along with the Divine Disruption book I told you about earlier, when you make a contribution to keep this listener-supported ministry coming your way. Just visit us at tonyevans.org, where you can make a donation, request the Living with Loss package, and instantly download the messages from this series. Again, that's online at tonyevans.org. Or give us a call any time of the day or night at 1-800-800-3222, where one of our helpful team members is ready to assist with your request.

Again, that's 1-800-800-3222. Well, on Monday, the Evans family gathers together in one place to discuss the thoughts and struggles they each went through as they remembered their mother while putting together the Divine Disruption book. Right now, though, Tony's back with his final thought for today. Make your praise a way of life so that when you get into this situation, you don't have to start from scratch. You don't have to start from the beginning because you're beginning your day by just worshiping Him, surrendering to Him, and praising Him. But it's also while we need one another. Because sometimes you need somebody to help you praise, because it just ain't coming out. You know, it ain't coming out. So we can encourage one another. So may God help us as we move forward to trust Him in the dark, like we do in the light. The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by the Urban Alternative and is celebrating 40 years of faithfulness thanks to the generous contributions of listeners like you.