Forgive One Another

We're being held hostage in our emotions, in our circumstances, in our relationships. Dr. Tony Evans says forgiving others releases us from one source of pain and prevents a brand new one. If you have a refusal to forgive, you have blocked God's operation in your life.

Celebrating 40 years of faithfulness, this is the alternative with Dr. Tony Evans, author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of the Urban Alternative. It's easy to talk about forgiveness when someone cuts you off on the highway or does something else to annoy you, but when you're the victim of a hateful tragedy, like the ones we hear about so often in the news, it's a different story. Dr. Evans, can you help us understand forgiveness in that context? Well, Dave, one of the reasons that forgiveness is critical is not just for the person you're forgiving, it's also for the forgiver, because unforgiveness holds you hostage. But first of all, we've got to understand what forgiveness is all about, so we're going to seek to clarify that, but also for the forgiven, for that person, to know that they can get right with God and they can have the opportunity to seek reconciliation because forgiveness has been offered.

Well, let's get started with this look at how to follow God's ultimate example of forgiveness. We have all seen a dog being held hostage by a leash by length in a chain that has it collared, and it can go a little distance, but once it goes too far, it's unable to go any further and many times are yanked back, unable to be freed because they have been collared by something that limits their movement. There are some here today who are being held hostage by unforgiveness. The length in the chain on the leash involve anger, bitterness, resentment, wrath, revenge, and all of these links hook into a collar called unforgiveness. This collar hooked onto this chain owns you. Perhaps it's been owning you for days or months, maybe years or decades. One thing is for certain, you're not able to get free.

It's like the button in a tourist shop that read, the error is human. To forgive, that ain't gonna happen. A man was told to tell his enemy, Happy New Year. Wish your enemy Happy New Year.

He went over and he says, I wish you Happy New Year, but only one. In Colossians chapter 3, Paul the Apostle says to forgive one another in verse 13, forgiving each other. So let's clarify our definition.

Stick with me today because whether you need help in this area or whether you know someone who does, and we probably all do, this is no small issue as you will see. Forgiveness means to release a person from a debt or an obligation that has been incurred. It is the choice to release a person from a wrong committed against you. Forgiveness does not mean approving or excusing or justifying or pretending not to be hurt.

It's not repressing it and pushing it in the basement of your mind so that you don't have to think about it. But it is releasing by choice someone from an obligation incurred to you because of wrong done against you. Everybody here has been on both sides of the equation. We have needed to be forgiven and we have needed to forgive. Everybody here, whether small or large, has been on the forgiveness continuum. And it is the quintessential issue of human relationships. Forgiveness is that decision to push a delete button because of a wrong done against you. Now let me clarify. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. It's a very important distinction. You can forgive people with whom you are not yet reconciled. Forgiveness, whether reconciliation occurs or not, is the decision of the offended party to release the party that has done them wrong, whether or not we ever hook up again, whether or not we ever become friends again, whether or not we ever do business together again, whether or not we hang out with each other again. That is a goal.

That is a need. That may be something you strive to. That may or may not happen, but that does not determine whether forgiveness has occurred. So please do not make the two equal.

One can lead to the other, but one is not the other. You can forgive for that which has yet to be reconciled. A Sunday school teacher asked the class, what does it take for you to obtain forgiveness for sin? What do you have to do to gain forgiveness for sin?

One of the students raised his hand. I know what you must do to obtain forgiveness for sin. The teacher said, what? He said, sin. Because forgiveness assumes a wrong done. That is an illegitimate evil that is detrimental to the person who is the offended party and who needs to be the forgiver to the person who has hurt them. Now let's clarify. Forgiveness can be either unilateral or forgiveness can also be transactional.

Now let me explain what I mean. Unilateral is to go one way, forgiving people who have not asked you to forgive them. You see, a lot of people are held hostage waiting for somebody to say I'm sorry, but if they never say I'm sorry and you don't forgive, you're held hostage by what they do or do not do.

What? Unilateral forgiveness is forgiving someone who is unable to ask you for it, like someone who abused you but who is now dead. Then you're held hostage for the rest of your life because if you're waiting for a request, that's a request that can never come. Or maybe it's a person who hurt you but you don't know where they are. They've relocated. They've started a new life somewhere.

You don't—you can't locate them. So there is no way for there to be a transaction. That's unilateral forgiveness. That's what Jesus did on the cross. Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Without you ever saying anything, forgiveness was granted. But then there is transactional forgiveness. Transactional forgiveness is forgiveness that comes because a person has confessed and repented of the wrong done against you. There's a transaction occur.

In other words, it's two ways. They have come and requested forgiveness and demonstrated repentance that they are indeed sorry. They've said the words, followed up by the action, which now opens up the door for reconciliation. Reconciliation can occur when there has been transactional forgiveness that takes place. When there is no transactional forgiveness, it's merely unilateral forgiveness, then reconciliation is difficult or impossible. That's why to restore a relationship, the Bible says that Jesus paid the sins of the whole world. That was unilateral, but he's offering transactional, because if you come to Christ in faith, you will be reconciled with the Father. The Father is already reconciled with you through the forgiveness of sins, but when the transaction occurs, because you come to Jesus Christ, then reconciliation with the Father can occur.

So let's get this straight. Forgiveness is releasing a debt, whether unilaterally or whether transactionally, but the transactional forgiveness gives a higher potential for reconciliation depending on what the infraction was and the time needed to get over the hurt or the pain that was caused by the infraction. I remember a man who ran into my car. He hit my car. Come to find out he was uninsured, so he had no insurance to fix my car. I have a debt in my car caused by somebody else who was unable to fix the problem.

I got my car fixed. Now what I could have done was drive around with a debt in my car caused by somebody else being mad every day that they didn't fix it. Every time I go out and see that debt, that no-good driver, that uninsured driver, has messed up my car. Unfortunately, a lot of folks are living with dents on their soul, a dent on the soul. So somebody has run into your life and put a dent there, and you're spending so much time being mad that they were uninsured, that they couldn't fix what they dented, that you're running around and living life with a dent, that if forgiveness took place, would have been repaired by you.

But you can become so angry, vengeful, and bitter that you get used to a dent and don't know how to live without it, because every time you see that dent, it justifies your anger at the person who caused it. Forgiveness is releasing someone for an obligation because of an offense against you. Please notice he says—stay with me here—in verse 13, he says, forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. He says, what makes it possible to forgive is recognizing you have been forgiven. If you lose sight of the fact that you are forgiven, it will be much more difficult for you to forgive. And there is nobody here who has not needed to be forgiven.

Now, different strokes for different folks, but if you're here and you're saved, it's because God has forgiven you of your infraction against Him. Dr. Evans will have more for us in a moment on that link between being forgiving and being forgiven. Well, if you want to start experiencing and exercising the kind of forgiveness that can heal relationships in your home, your community, your church, and even our nation, Tony's put together a step-by-step program to help you. It's all laid out in his booklet, 30 Days to Victory Through Forgiveness.

It'll help you discover how light and free you can feel when you let go of resentment and the desire for revenge against people who've hurt you, as well as the remorse and regret that results from hurting others. We'd love to have Tony lead you through this month-long journey of healing, so we'll send you a copy as our gift when you make a donation to help keep this program coming your way each day. Along with it, we'll include all six messages in the current teaching series we'll be wrapping up in just a few days, Freedom Through Forgiveness. Be sure to contact us right away to make the arrangements before time runs out.

The easiest way to do that is to visit us online at TonyEvans.org or call us day or night at 1-800-800-3222. I'll repeat that information later on after part two of today's lesson and this. We invest in our marriages, our children, our callings with great expectation. When you get to the harvest, don't give up then. Don't stop praying. Don't stop working. Don't start asking the Lord and seeking the Lord what He would have you to do. And don't stop believing God for the blessing of bountiful harvest in your life. In the new Lois Evans Legacy Bible study, Seasons of a Woman's Life, daughters Crystal Hurst and Priscilla Shire help you navigate all the seasons of your life in a way that honors and pleases God.

Request your copy of Lois Evans book and the DVD series and workbook with your gift to the Urban Alternative. There is an inseparable link between forgiving and recognize you have been forgiven. Forgiveness is a beautiful word until you're the one that has to give it. Now we love the word when we need it, but the word becomes much more difficult when we are the ones that have to disperse the forgiveness because we are the wounded party. On the cross, God took the initiative to provide forgiveness before we ever requested it. For God demonstrated His love toward us that even while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He unilaterally forgave on the cross, and He wants us to be forgivers. Stay with me here because I can feel the consternation. To refuse to forgive is to burn a bridge over which you yourself must cross.

If not now, one day. There are some here today who are being held hostage by unforgiveness. And because of what happened to you, how it happened, who did it, the collar is around your neck and every time you try to go boom, the devil drags you back. And he yanks the chain. You're not going anywhere because this collar of unforgiveness controls you.

We're being held hostage in our emotions, in our circumstances, in our relationships, because the enemy knows that if he can keep bringing this thing up, if he can keep it rolling around like a record recorder in your mind, he can own you, control you, break down relationships, even they have nothing to do with the person, but you can't move forward in other legitimate relationships because of the hurt, the abuse, the pain, the stress, the struggle that was caused you. He says, I want you to forgive as you have been forgiven. When Jesus prays the Lord's Prayer, forgive us our debts as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.

You remember that? That's the Lord's Prayer. He says, after he says amen, verse 14 of Matthew 6, for if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

So watch this. Many of us are walking around out of fellowship with the Father because of an unwillingness to forgive. If you have a refusal to forgive, you and God are not on the same page. You have blocked God's operation in your life. No matter how many prayers you pray, no matter how many Bibles you read, no matter how many church services you go to, refusal to forgive horizontally breaks down fellowship with God vertically because the vertical is tethered to the horizontal.

Forgive just as your heavenly Father has forgiven you. Jesus tells another story in Matthew 18. He's talking about forgiveness. Peter wants to know how many times, beginning of the verse around verse 21, how many times do you have to forgive somebody?

Because I know some of you ask him. Jesus says there was a man who owed a man millions of dollars, and he could not pay. He said, have mercy on me. I can't pay because he was getting ready to be thrown and sold, he and his family into slavery. It says that the king had mercy on the man and did not require him to pay. In fact, he canceled the debt. So the man is now free from millions of dollars of debt. He now is walking in freedom and comes across a guy who owes him a couple thousand bucks. He grabs the guy who owes him a couple thousand bucks and says, where's my money? You owe me some money and you're not paying me.

The man said, have mercy on me. I can't pay. I want to pay. I will pay.

I can't do it now. Have mercy. He had him thrown in jail. Can you pay me?

Your life's gonna be miserable. It says one of the king's servants saw him do this and went back to the king and told the king what he did. Says the king was furious and said, go get him. They went and they got him and he required payment. He says, I forgave you millions. You were not willing to release somebody who owed you thousands. So here's what we're going to do.

We're going to hold you hostage until you pay up. And then the story ends with a statement, and so shall your father do to you. Or as James 2 13 says, he that hath mercy will receive mercy. The one that doesn't show mercy will not receive mercy. I love the way Ephesians puts it. Ephesians talks about the same thing and here's what Ephesians 4 verses 30 to 32 says. It says, do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you are sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God and Christ forgave you. Here it is.

Here it is. When you forgive, you have just crossed over into the supernatural. Let me say it again. When you forgive, as difficult as it may be, you have just crossed over from the natural to the supernatural.

Why? Because the Holy Spirit is no longer sad inside of you. See, a lot of us, the word grieve means to make sad. A lot of us are walking around with a sad Holy Ghost, and that's why we are sad people. A sad Holy Spirit, so we're sad in our souls. A sad Holy Spirit, that's why we are discouraged and depressed, because the Holy Spirit is sad. He says, do not grieve the Holy Spirit. How do you know the Holy Spirit is sad inside of you? Because you're walking around bitter.

Because you're walking around thinking about, I'm gonna get you. What goes around comes around. If you are walking around thinking that way, feeling that way, acting that way, here's another way you know the Holy Spirit is grieving inside of you, because you are slandering the person that hurt you. In other words, you're taking that person's name and you are seeking any kind of damage you can do.

That means that you're still hostage to a noose around your neck. And he says, it's a Holy Spirit issue. But forgiveness, he says—not excusing the wrong, that's not what I mean—but forgiveness is to cross over into the supernatural, freeing the Holy Spirit up, guess what, to free you up. Dr. Tony Evans, on that link between being forgiving and being forgiven. Let me encourage you to get the full-length version of today's lesson, Forgive One Another, so you can share this important teaching with your small group or Bible study. But you can also get it as a part of Tony's current series, Freedom Through Forgiveness. Remember, this complete six-lesson series includes material we didn't have time to bring you on the air, and it's yours as our thank-you gift when you make a contribution to help us keep Tony's teaching on this station. As a special bonus, it'll come to you bundled with a booklet I told you about earlier, 30 Days to Victory Through Forgiveness. Time is running out on this special offer, so don't wait. Visit us today at TonyEvans.org to get the details and make the arrangements. Or give us a phone call day or night at 1-800-800-3222 and let one of our resource team members help you.

That's 1-800-800-3222. Until someone invents a time machine, we can't live anywhere but the present. But that doesn't stop a lot of Christians from being trapped in the past. Next time, Dr. Evans will take a biblical look at how to break free. I hope you'll be with us. The alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by The Urban Alternative and is celebrating 40 years of faithfulness thanks to the generous contributions of listeners like you.