When Loved Ones Disappoint

Hello, this is Will Hardy with ManTalk Radio. We are all about breaking down the walls of race and denomination. Your chosen Truth Network Podcast is starting in just a few minutes. Enjoy it, share it. But most of all, thank you for listening to the Truth Network Podcast. This is the Truth Network. Jesus speaks of narrow gates and wide roads, but the masculine journey is filled with many twists and turns.

So how do we keep from losing heart while trying to find the good way when life feels more like a losing battle than something worth dying for? Grab your gear and come on a quest with your band of brothers who will serve as the guides in what we call the masculine journey. The masculine journey starts here now.

Welcome to Masculine Journey, and we are excited this week. We have a first on the show, don't we, Robby? We have a first this week.

Yeah, and it's not even an eve. It's just a first. It's just a first. Yeah, yeah. Andy, do you want to talk about what the first is, or should we keep him in suspense?

I thought Robby. Well, you don't know how to say? You don't know how to talk?

No, he's forgotten. Okay. Cat's got his tongue.

Now you just made it longer than it had to be. I don't want to be called out like this, so I want to defend myself. Wham, wham, wham. Robby usually... So we have the honor of Art submitting his first topic, and I was going to let Robby say... He was very articulate. Wherefore art thou? Oh, yeah.

When we always were looking for a topic, we were like, wherefore art thou? But now that he's going to be articulate, go ahead. Yeah, so, Andy, way to take that down the rabbit trail. We appreciate that. Yeah, yeah.

Anytime. Yeah, all you had to do was say, yeah, Art has a topic. That's all we had to do. I had to go with that, but that's okay. You do you.

It's all right. So, Art, I'm excited. Do you want to tell us a little bit about your topic that you picked for us? Yeah, I do, and I hope I don't forget how to talk here.

Let's see. Well, we were having an after-hours meeting, a meeting where we talk about the next show, and we talk about what's going on with each other. We talk about our relatives, and some of them may be in poor health, and we pray, and we have a meeting. We are the Band of Brothers, and at times, certain ones of us discuss problems in relationships where they feel that a relative just isn't living up to their expectations of how they should live their life. And we pray about such things, and I don't know. I thought when we were talking about that, it would be a good topic for a radio show.

We could share these kind of views with the listening audience there. But mainly, the thing that comes to me sometimes is to say to one of my brothers, don't be too hard on yourself. It's not any one thing you did or didn't do in the relationship, or there's no one thing right way or wrong way that you can repair things. And I do have a verse to read. It is Proverbs 3, 5.

It says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not into your own understanding. That's good. Thank you, Art.

That was very good. To take the topic and reduce it down to something really small is when loved ones disappoint. That's kind of what he threw out last week, and so he did a very good job of explaining what all that is. But I think it's something that we've all been through. If you haven't, then how have you not gone through it?

Obviously, at some point, you've had to go through that. And so that does get us to our first clip, which is about just people in general. It's not necessarily about a specific person.

It's not a specific relationship between two people, but it's about a relationship that happens, unfortunately, way too often in our society, not just our country, but around the world. It's just kind of, as he says here, epidemic. This is from Last Man Standing, and Mike on the show does his vlog. So he always has very controversial topics, and this is not short of any controversy for sure, because it's like, how would you call people out and say stuff?

He gets very overt about calling people out and how they're behaving. And then also in the clip, thanks to Keith, he had to cut it so it was actually clean enough to be on the air, because there's a few things in there, so I appreciate you, Keith. But I think if we just play it, it kind of speaks for itself, and we can kind of probably talk on the backside. And you knew I was going to say something about Keith having to edit it, so you just threw it in there. I got it. We'll play it.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. I want to talk to you today about an epidemic sweeping this country, and I don't mean the One Direction infection. I'm talking about dads who've abandoned their kids. Really, calling your dads is way too generous.

You came to the party but didn't stick around to clean up the mess. That's right, your kid's a mess, and it's your fault. Boys from fatherless homes are more likely to drop out of school, use drugs, and not send you an ugly tie on Father's Day. They need dads, dads to teach them how to be men. Stuff like throwing a ball, shaving correctly, giving a firm handshake.

And the most important lesson, show up. Running out on your son is a slap in the face to all men, especially men who never had a chance to raise one. Curious, six of our last eight presidents only had daughters. Maybe it's something about powerful, successful men. Did I mention that I have three daughters?

One more than Obama. But you absentee fathers still have time to make things right. Come down to Outdoor Man for the Deadbeat Dad Day.

Show us the court order you're in violation of, and we'll give you 15% off and a kick in the ass. Throw that in for free. Buy a fishing pole, take him fishing. Buy him a tent, take him camping.

Buy a boat because we need to sell some boats. Maybe one day your son will invite you to his high school graduation. You might have to wear an ugly tie, but you'll wear it proudly because you earned it.

And that's the biggest thing, is go earn it. Be involved, be in the life. The more that men get a pass on just walking out of their families' lives no matter what the situation is, is never acceptable. And for our society, just to keep saying that it's okay, it's hard, or this or that, or whatever the situation is.

You're man enough to create the child, and you should be man enough to raise the child and stick in the battle. So that was when I was listening to this because I didn't go there looking specifically for this clip, I just went to Last Man Standing because I knew there was all the kind of family things going on, and there's always disappointment and them yelling at each other because the other topic we had recently, we talked about expectations, and then Darren's clip on that that he sent to us, I thought that and agreements, you know, make an agreement, this is what we're going to agree to do, is a very outstanding way to start to look at that is don't just have an expectation, but then agree with the person on what everybody's going to do in that situation so you're not running around expecting one thing, because that's how disappointment really comes from loved ones, is I expect things out of people that they can't deliver. And I know I'm guilty of that. It's really easy for those that are closest to me to have expectations above and beyond what they can ever deliver. They have to do things for me or make things right for me instead of me just going, hey, I'm just happy to be with you.

I'm just happy to be with you for you and relax in those situations, just be able to live. Instead, no, I got to have this. I got to have that. I make all kinds of expectations on people. And then what's going to happen is we're going to disappoint because I've set up unrealistic expectations.

And that's where we've talked before, if we can come into the situation and just have a realistic expectation. I love the Proverbs quote, too, because lean not on my own understanding. I have to say that to myself quite a bit, because next thing you know, I'm down the road. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I realize that that's exactly what I'm doing. And I have to pull back out of the situation and get a view of it from a broader spectrum and say, OK, where am I at in this?

What am I doing? And reflect on my own actions and start to change those first before I can even ever expect anybody else to change theirs. You know, Rodney, I was glad that we use this clip first from the standpoint that I think what we'll talk about today as we go through this topic is, you know, a lot of things can be cleared up with better expectations. A lot of things can be cleared up with agreement. We're going to hear that in some of the clips, but then some things that's not the case, you know, in Tim's vlog there as he's talking through that, you know, there's no expectation there other than dad's going to be around, which anyone would would kind of have.

Right. You know, we'll have another clip later on where we'd kind of dig into that a little bit more. You know, there may be more to the story, but, you know, some things there's just not an expectation for. You shouldn't set yourself in an expectation.

Well, you know, this is OK on certain things just because it always happens. You know, you have to be able to rise to that with God and say, OK, how do I address this? Well, yeah, if we're not walking with God and things where we what what is his expectations for us? We come up, fill it in with our own. What are we going to do? We're going to fall way short.

Our expectations would be very low and then we even usually fall short of our own expectations. So it just a never ending spiral down where if you're constantly looking up, looking vertical and you're saying, God, where should I be? And I'm striving, I'm striving and I have that in my mind. Lean not on my own understanding again. You're going to, OK, what does God want for me?

So you're working up, up, up the ladder instead of sliding down the slope. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and try to get another clip in here. It's mine. I'm going to go ahead and play it, because if we have to, we'll come back and talk about it.

It's a shorter clip, but it's also kind of the opposite side of what we just talked about. And so in this scene, you have a daughter and a dad that's at a restaurant. She's there. He's failing.

His eyesight's failing. He's a baseball scout and she's there to help him. And that's all he wants to really talk about is baseball.

But she wants to talk about the relationship. And so we're going to listen to that. We'll come back and talk about it. Do you know what therapy is?

What? Therapy. I've been going since college.

It's a long time. I just needed to talk to someone to help me deal with why you left me. Did I say something wrong here? I just needed to understand why, after mom died, you took a six-year-old to live with an uncle that she barely knew and you left her there for a year and you didn't even call, not once. We came here to watch baseball. We didn't come here to talk. I know everything is okay as long as we don't talk, but there's no TV and there's no game on, so it's just you and me.

I need to check here. And then you did it again. I had you until I was 13, until you sent me away to boarding school, and then nothing. You were gone.

Middle school, high school, college, nothing. And for a long time, I thought that I had done something wrong, and that's why you left. But then I figured out that's just how you wanted it, and so I acted like it was okay because I didn't want you to know how bad it hurt. There's not the time or the place to be talking about this. Are you kidding? There's never a time or place. What are you doing anyway?

Why did you start all this? You're amazing. Well, we'll come back and talk about that clip after the break. We'll talk to you, with the brothers, friends, the things that you're taught and the things that you think about. Just amazing experience all the way around. It is a tight bond of men, everybody's the same, and each and every time that I've come to boot camp, I've learnt something different. And not one man that's ever been there neglects not to take time out to talk with the sheriff. It's a serious business, and you need to come one time and break bread with the men and fellowship, feel the atmosphere, hear the people pray, and get down to earth about what's going on in life and get real.

Register today at masculinejourney.org. One love beats the fire, one heart bears desire, I wonder who's crying now. Two hearts brought to life, who'll be the lover of war, I wonder who's crying now. So Andy, that was your bump. Yeah, real uplifting. That was a much better bump than we've experienced in the most recent weeks.

Okay, I'll take that. Yeah, I've always liked Journey and liked that song, but half the time, I'm bad about it. I like the music and stuff, and I hear some of the words, but I hadn't really looked at the lyrics. And it's two people who can't seem to get it together, and there's disappointment on both sides, and then it's like, which one's hurting more is almost what comes out of that song. But yeah, it's not a bad bump.

No, it's a pretty good bump. I just wonder if Jim would have been singing it if he was here. We do miss Jim.

We do. Not singing back in on the break, but we do miss Jim. And so he's not with us this week.

Harold's not with us this week. And so, missing those guys, missing Wayne. Is that everybody? I think it's everybody. Yeah, that's everybody. Well, going back to the clips that we played before the break, if you were with us then. If not, you'll have to go back and listen to it. But we had two versions of, to some degree, Dead Beat Dads.

Right? You had Tim, what's his... Not the tool man. That's the old show. Mike. Mike Baxter. Yeah, I keep saying Tim, but yeah. I know Tim Allen. Tim Allen. Tim Allen. Mike Baxter.

And he's very right on his takeoff, his whatever you want to call that. Beat down. Yeah, there you go. I couldn't think of the words.

The beat down of the fatherless society that we have and how prevalent it is. And then the second clip was from a movie called Trouble with the Curve. And it's one of those movies, if you think it's about baseball, you're missing the point.

Right? Yeah, there's baseball in the whole movie, but it's nothing to do with baseball. It's about a father and daughter's relationship and how she kind of finds her voice with her dad. And that's what we heard in that clip, is she starts to speak a little bit of the things that she's not been able to really say to him over the years. And if you watch that movie, it's got a lot of language in it. It's a Clint Eastwood movie, so of course it has a lot of language in it.

But it has some really good points. But what you see is that this conversation, as difficult as it was for both of them, is what leads later to their breakthrough. Sometimes you've got to enter into difficult conversations in order to achieve the breakthrough that you want to have.

Yes, she was very direct, but in a lot of ways it didn't feel attacking. It was more just question. This is how I see it.

Why did this happen? And he's not in a place to really respond to it and wants to do anything he can, get to check, get out of there, why are you doing this to me, kind of thing. But there's something in him that's laid down that causes him to really think about and go back to why things really happened to where they could really reach a different understanding later in the movie. And they could start to develop a healthy relationship. And so part of that is, it's never too late, regardless of the story, that there's opportunity as long as God's involved in it and you're letting him lead it. Because what we'll find is, if he doesn't lead it, it's probably not going to end up very well no matter what you try to do. You can try the ten steps of this or the five steps of agreement or whatever it's going to be, but if God's not leading the way, man, it's going to be a tough road.

And there has to be truth. You can't just keep talking around the situation, eventually you're going to have to say the words that have to be said. And that's what I love about your clip is that she said the words that had to be said and she held them in, she held them in, she held them in, which I'm a reflection of that, and then eventually you say them.

And I thought she delivered it about as softly as you're going to deliver something that harsh. But that, like you said, is something that leads to the next step. You're not trying to get someone all the way from where they're at to all the way to perfect. It's just, I need you moving in the right direction.

So just start the conversation. But that truth and love is not the easiest thing, but you have to have truth. Yeah, in her eyes, he was a deadbeat dad and he definitely fit that description. But when you learn the rest of the story, you can at least understand why he did what he did. Now, whether he should have done it is another question, right? That's not what I'm discussing.

I'm just saying, there's always more to the story than what you know. And having the ears to hear the other side of the story is pretty key, which gets us to our uplifting clip from you, Andy. I was going to play Robby's clip, but you asked to get in this first thing.

And so I'm going to go ahead and play yours. This is, this is a tough clip to listen to. It is.

It is. And, um, you know, it is intense. Sadly, I can say I probably participated in conversation, uh, arguments, whatever like this. Um, you see two people trying to convey their needs and the expectations they had and the disappointments and how it escalated. And um, you know, there's some of my life, I mean, I think I was probably the one that disappointed a lot more than I was disappointed, but, uh, a lot of it gets to, to the brokenness that we bring and the pride and things that we get into and, uh, in our lives to where we just don't want to give up our way. You know, you don't see it my way. I don't see it your way. And there's a lot of factors into that whole disappointment instead of seeing two people really trying to love each other, um, uh, and, and really hear the other one out there. It's just a, you can just tell there's friction here.

So this is from the breakup and you got Gary and Brooke having an argument and it escalates to where they enter the breakup. Deserve this. Deserve this. Oh, something's not playing. Right. So let me try this again. Andy, keep talking. Okay. Sam, make this work. Oh, it's not working.

Let me try that. Come on. You knew I was working today and I made that meal and you could have thought to yourself you know, you could have said, I think I'm going to get Brooke some flowers. You said on our very first date that you don't like flowers, that they're a waste of money. Every girl likes flowers, Gary. You say that you don't like flowers. I'm supposed to take that to mean that you do like flowers? No, this is not about, you're not, you're not, you're not getting it. You're not getting this, Gary.

Okay. It's not about the lemons. It's not about the flowers. It's not about the dishes. It's just how many times do I have to drop hints about the ballet?

You know, I can't say Brooke, come here. We talked about the ballet. I hate the ballet. You got a bunch of dudes in tights flopping around for three hours, it's like a medieval techno show. It's a nightmare. I sit there in a sweat. The whole thing. I knew it. One on one.

It's a nightmare. Go to a ballet. It's not about you loving the ballet, Gary. It's about the person that you love loves the ballet and you want to spend time with that person. Not when they're at the ballet.

Okay. Forget the ballet. Forget the ballet.

We don't go anywhere together. We just went to Ann Arbor together. To Ann Arbor.

To the Michigan Notre Dame game. You think, you think screaming drunk kids and leprechauns doing backflips, that's fun. That's fun for me. Come on, man. I did that for you. What do you, how do you show up for me? I'm up on the bus every day for you. Come on. So I can make enough money to support both of us and hopefully you won't have to work one day.

I want to work. All I ask, Brooke, is that you show a little bit of appreciation, that I just get 20 minutes to relax when I come home instead of being attacked with questions and nag the whole time. You think that I nag you? That's all you do. All you do is nag me.

The bathroom's a mess. Your belt doesn't match. Hey, Gary, you should probably go work out.

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough. I just want to be left alone. Really? Is that what you want, Gary? Is that what you want? Yeah.

That's what you want? Yeah. Fine. Great.

Do whatever you want. You leave your socks all over this house, dress like a pig, play your stupid video game. I don't care. I'm done.

What? I am done. I don't deserve this.

I really do not deserve this. Well, wasn't that just a bouquet of roses there? I mean, it's intense. But again, that happens in today's society. I think you have people, again, with two different motives. A lot of times, we're not really skilled in the art of the heart and how we interact and relate with people. It comes out whether it's fathering our children, whether it's being a friend, or whether it's a marriage relationship, that those things came out.

We have a tendency to disappoint, and again, that relationship got disrupted, and a lot of times, it takes the disruption for people to go back and look inside. What's inside? What's causing this? Do I need Jesus? Jesus. What am I doing here?

What have I done wrong? Obviously, that relationship is really what got me to get into this message, is just to understand the heart more. Yeah, I think when you're listening to that clip, you definitely... When you've been through it, and I've been through it too many times in the past, but you can hear the enemy whispering, she always does that. He never does that. They don't actually say that, I don't think, in the clip, which is surprising.

I don't think they use always and never, not much, a little bit. He does a couple times. You always nag. Oh, yeah. You always nag, yeah. Yeah, but you get the enemy right in the middle of that, just egging them on, just trying to feed the fire. Definitely agreements there, for sure, and yeah, but it's usually a disruption in those relationships that get us to go deeper, but there's definitely agreements and a lot of brokenness there. Yeah, relationships will drive you to God. No doubt. Yeah, everything should at some point, right? If you don't do it right, it's going to lead you there either way. You need to be there. David, do you have any thoughts on this topic? You said relationships will drive you to God, so will 13-year-old daughters, along with that. I'm certainly looking back at previous shows and listening to them, because I do listen to previous shows, Sam, unlike somebody.

Yeah, I've listened to all but one. Yeah, thanks. I can't hang it. I think there's some disappointment there, David, right? There's definitely, and I'm still working through how I deal with that disappointment with somebody I love.

Well, hopefully the show will help you. Listen in. I'm hoping. At the show, something that Robby said, talking about how when, for instance, with my daughter, dealing with her, saying, you're doing this wrong, you're doing this wrong, but I still love you. Dealing with disappointment at this season of my life is totally different than how I would have dealt with disappointment a year or two years ago.

I would have flown off the handle and lost it. I'm still dealing with some negativity, and that's something I'm still working on with God through on some of this, but right now, I'm really dealing with disappointment from the ones I love with still showing them that I love them and still working through that, regardless of how the enemy whispers in their ear or whispers in my ear of what's going on. Yeah, I think there are certain things that do get easier with age. I mean, I know you just turned 40 not long ago, and you weren't real happy about that, but one of the good things about getting older is you get those life experiences. AARP. Yeah, that.

You get cheap coffee. But no, you get those life experiences behind you, and you start to realize that, okay, I'm going to let this weather for a while, or you just get these experiences to draw off of. A difficult thing with that clip is that you've got two what I call right fighters, right? They're both trying to be right rather than one of them dying to themselves, right, and say, wow, you know, how does this look like from her point of view or his point of view, which everyone wants to die first is going to have a shot at that.

Whoa. Thank you. That's a great point, Robby, and they definitely were not wanting to listen, right? They're listening.

They weren't hearing, and we'll talk more about that. There is so much more on this topic we're going to talk about in the after hours and different aspects of it. Please join us for that. Go to masculinejourney.org for any upcoming events that we may have. We do have a boot camp coming up soon. We'll have an entrenchment and something this summer that'll be really cool. We'll talk about more later on. We'll talk with you next week. This is the Truth Network.