820. Four Things You Need To Know Before You Say “I Do”

Welcome to The Daily Platform from Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina. Today on The Daily Platform, we're continuing a study series entitled Divine Design, which is a study of biblical manhood and biblical womanhood.

Today's message will be preached by BJU President Steve Pettit. I'm going to ask you to take your Bibles this morning and turn with me to the 24th chapter of the book of Genesis, the first book in the Bible. We've been this semester covering the theme of divine design, and we've gone all the way back to the scripture as the foundation for life, and we talked about manhood, womanhood. We talked about many different things.

Dr. Horn brought a couple of messages on complementarianism, and Mr. Benson brought a couple of messages on singleness. This morning, I'd like to just give you a very practical and simple message, if I may, this morning on basically some principles or some lessons that I learned when I was your age in college. I became a Christian my first year of college at the age of 19 years old. At the time, I was dating a girl. We started dating my senior year of high school. She was a junior. I was a senior.

I went off to college. She was a senior in high school, and we dated up into my sophomore year, and she was a freshman in college. And so we had dated for about three years. I actually thought we were going to get married, but she actually broke up with me.

Primary reason was I was a growing Christian, and we were just having problems. And so when the breakup came my sophomore year of college, it was really a difficult time. I look back on it. It's kind of funny now, but the time was terrible.

There was a whole week I couldn't eat, and if I can't eat for a week, it's really bad. And so it was really, really terrible, but it was good. It was very, very good for me. It really forced me to really grow, become serious about my spiritual life. And so over a process of time, I began to develop the habit of daily Bible reading, and I'd get up every morning while I was a student and spend time and reading the scriptures, and sometimes 15, up to 30 minutes a day. And so while I was doing that, of course, I was like any college student. I had an interest in dating, but I really didn't know what to do as a Christian.

I really didn't have a lot of guidance in the beginning, and really didn't date hardly at all in college. I just felt like at the time where I was in my life spiritually, that was something that I really needed to wait for until later on. But I did really spend time studying the scripture. And one morning I was reading through the 24th chapter of the book of Genesis, and I'm not going to read it this morning if you'll notice the 67 verses. It's just a long, long story.

But it was almost like the story, the principles of this story began to jump off the page. Because it's the story of Abraham, who sends his servant Eliezer to get a wife for his son Isaac. Now you probably asked the question, well why couldn't Isaac do it? Well where they were living, they were surrounded by the Canaanites, and he's not going to go down and check out the Canaanite ladies and pick one out of the group. Because God wanted to preserve the Jewish people, and part of the preservation was through marrying the right person. Marrying within the framework of your faith. And so he sent Eliezer to his home country, which is in northern Syria, back to his home where he came from.

It was there that they met Rebekah, and Rebekah came and eventually married Isaac. And so in the reading of this passage of scripture, I began to write out various principles that were a part of the process of this relationship that began. I believed that the Bible was sufficient to guide me. And so as I began to read the word of God and study it with great curiosity, I wrote down these basic principles I'm going to give you. Because these were principles that I used in my life and I believe to this very day. And from this passage of scripture we have nine basic guiding principles for marriage.

Obviously there's a lot more to learn, there's a lot of other places to go, I mean the whole Bible you can go to. But this was just very helpful for me, so my intention this morning is just to be a help. To give you guiding principles. These are not laws, these are not rules, but you put them all together and they give you guiding posts along the process of moving towards marriage.

The older I get, the more I realize that this was a good decision. That these are wonderful truths, things that I've taught to others, including my own children. So as we begin this morning, I want to begin with the first principle, and it's really found in the very beginning of the chapter. And the principle is this, that you must be committed to marrying within God's commands and God's plans.

You really need to give marriage to the Lord. And in verse one of Genesis 24 it says, Abraham was old, he was advanced in his years, the Lord had blessed Abraham. And Abraham said to his servant, his servant was Eliezer, he is the oldest servant in the house, and he made him charge or make a promise. He said, put your hand under my thigh, which was a way of making a commitment, that I may make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not take a wife from my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, but will go to my country and to my kindred and take a wife from my son Isaac. He was sending Eliezer out to find him a wife, to find his son a wife. And in this, it was a commitment to the Lord.

It was a belief that God had a plan, and that he wanted to follow God's plan. I think it's really important that you as a believer, by faith, commit your life to God, and in that commitment, it is a commitment of your marriage to God. The most important decision you'll ever make in your life is what will you do with Jesus? The second most important decision you'll ever make in your life is who are you going to marry?

Because this is your partner, this is your soulmate, this is the person you're going to live with the rest of your life. And so it's a decision, obviously, you don't take lightly, but it's a commitment that you must make. And this commitment means, first of all, marrying someone within the faith. We read here in verses 3 and 4, not to take a wife from the daughters of the Canaanites, but to go to my country, to my kindred, and to take a wife from my son Isaac. The Bible says don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers. The scripture says in 1 Corinthians 11 and verse 39, that a wife is bound by the law as long as her husband lives, but if her husband is dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will only in the Lord. You need to make a commitment, and I think in one way it's kind of a no duh statement, but it really is one that needs to be made. That you are committed to marrying in the Lord.

The girl that I had been dating who broke up with me, she was a professing Christian, she attended church, and yet we really were not on the same page. And how can two walk together except they be agreed? Not only are you to marry somebody in the faith, but you really need to trust God to provide for you. In verse 7 it says, the Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father's house and from the land of my kindred, who spoke to me and swore to me to your offspring, I will give this land.

He will send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife from my son from there. In other words, he knew that God had made a covenant, a promise for the family of Abraham that involved marriage, that involved children. And so he was committed to not only marrying in the faith, but trusting God to be the one who leads.

There is an act of faith, Lord I am trusting you. And then one other point about this commitment, and that is a commitment to moral purity. We read later on of this woman that he ends up marrying Isaac marries Rebekah.

The Bible tells us in verse 16 that she was very attractive, she was very beautiful. And she was a maiden whom no man had known, she was of marriageable age, and she was a virgin. And so there was a commitment to sexual purity. You know, a divorce does not begin after you get married, a divorce actually begins before you get married. Because many of the marital problems that you have in marriage you actually bring into marriage. You actually bring in, in some ways, because you built your relationship on a shaky foundation. One of the primary reasons why people end up in divorce is because they were involved in sexual activity before marriage. You say, why would that cause a divorce? Because there's always a question mark of commitment to purity. There is always in the back of the mind, if he's going to be this way or she's going to be this way before marriage, what's it going to be like after marriage, especially if they're not satisfied with me? So the first principle is a principle to be committed to God's commands and God's plans.

Principle number two is this, and that is as simple as it sounds, it's so important. And that is a commitment to praying for God's guidance in blessing and providing a spouse. We see this in verse 10 where the servant Eliezer is looking for the bride. It says, then the servant took 10 of his master's camels and departed, taking all sorts of choice gifts from his master. And he rose and he went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor. And there he made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at the time of evening, the time when the women go out to draw the water, because the water drawers were the women in that day.

They did it in the morning and the evening. And he said in prayer, O Lord, God of my master, Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master, Abraham. He prayed that God, believing in the goodness of God, the, the, he says here, the steadfast love, the Hebrew word chesed, which means God's loyal love to his own children, that he trusted in the covenant keeping God.

The future of Israel is all going to be based on this marriage, the fulfillment of God's plan and the ultimate coming of the Messiah. And so he prayed, O Lord, I trust in you. Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths. There must be in your life a consistent prayer about God's guidance and God's blessing.

Someone wrote it this way. It is only by divine providence that one's choice will turn out to have been a good one. May I say it this way? When you get married, you really don't know who you're marrying.

It will take the rest of your life to understand each other. And it is so vital that you seek the Lord's blessing. That the Lord will bless you and the Lord will keep you. How many people have entered in and on the road to marriage and God intervened and shut the relationship down and five and ten years later you look back and you say, thank you Lord for keeping me and protecting me. And so now you ought to be praying for the person you haven't even met yet.

Lord, lead and Lord bless that person. I prayed for my wife long before I ever first met her. So prayer ought to be a major part of your life.

Start praying now. Then the third principle is the principle that actually there needs to be a pursuit of a wife. I say of a wife because when you read the scripture, it's always the man pursuing the woman. Proverbs 18 22, who so findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord. The Bible tells us that there needs to be a pursuit.

There ought to be in this case. It wasn't really Isaac because Isaac the father was that was the one that chose the bride. And so obviously it was a real step of faith by Isaac because when you come back later on and find out Isaac, he's just out sitting in the fields, you know meditating and waiting on the Lord.

But there was definitely a pursuit and in this case, it was a pursuit of a particular kind of a girl. Would you know verse 13 here is Eliezer speaking and he says behold I'm standing by the spring of water and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water out of the whole group. Let the young woman to whom I shall say please let down your jar your bucket that I may drink and who shall say drink and I will water your camels. That's a fairly specific prayer request letter be the one whom you've appointed for your servant Isaac.

By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master. Now why the idea of the girl that was the one that was willing to help him because he was looking for a particular girl. He was trusting God to guide providentially but also for a young lady who was a particular kind and that is she was a girl of great character. The Bible says in Proverbs 19 14 houses and riches are the inheritance of fathers and a prudent wife is from the Lord.

What does it mean prudent? It means one who is it has character and they are careful and they have abilities. The best explanation is Proverbs 31. You see marriage is not about finding the right person. Marriage is about being the right person. It is a person of character a person of faith. Character attracts character.

And so when you are looking for a person it is the pursuit of a person with character. I remember the first time I met my wife it was in church it was in Sunday school. Greatest place in the world to meet your wife Sunday school class. And when I met her first of all she was stunningly beautiful and number two she was singing a solo in Sunday school that day. We had 80 students in the Sunday school class and she got up to sing and she sounded like an angel let down from above. I thought who is this girl? And then later on I met her in the church that day and I watched her and what I observed about her was her godliness, her character, her humility, her love for the Lord, her spirit, her atmosphere.

Everybody has an atmosphere to them. And I honestly because I had come out of a state college out of a secular environment I had come out of the world I never I always wanted to marry a godly girl and I never would have dreamed that I would have been able to marry somebody like that. But it is the blessing of the Lord. A prudent wife a godly woman is from the Lord.

And so I want to say that it is really the responsibility of the guy to be the pursuer. We had a team, I've mentioned this many times, we had 57 people travel with us over a period of 20 years and a third of them married each other. We had 11 weddings come off of our team.

Maybe you could say that but we had 11 weddings come off the team. And I always told the guys, I mean it was very natural, when you sit in the van long enough it's either yes or no, it's that simple. It's either yeah, oh yeah or no way, I mean it was really simple. But the guy always was the pursuant, the one who was pursuing. The hound should always chase the fox, not the fox chase the hound.

You can figure out the illustration. And the guy should be the one who pursues the girl. Let me tell you this, the girl should be worthy of being pursued. If the girl is always the one who's pursuing the guy it's almost like, and I don't want to say this unkindly, please don't take it, please don't get offended by this. But let me say this, you're worth more than that.

You really are. You ought to be a godly woman who attracts a young man who has the same kind of character you have. So the principle is the man is the primary one who pursues. Then number four, the principle here is the principle of providence. We're to trust God to guide and provide within his sovereign control over our circumstances. He trusted God to lead. I won't take the time to read it, but the whole story is about the providential hand of God. He was patient and he waited on God to make it very, very clear. And so we begin in verse 15 all the way down throughout the chapter. It was very obvious the Lord was the one at work. In verse 50 it said, Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing has come from the Lord. We cannot speak to you bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before you.

Take her and go and let her be the wife of your master's son as the Lord has spoken. In other words, it became very, very clear in the hand of God that he was at work in this. You say, well, how does that work? I don't know how it's going to work for you. God's got to work for you.

But you have to trust God to providentially work. When I met my wife, I said I met her in Sunday school. Found out that day she was dating the Sunday school teacher. They had been dating for three years. He was a friend of mine.

And so it's like, okay, but I really like her. Well, a year goes by and the next summer I'm working at my home church as an intern. Her boyfriend is out traveling as an evangelist doing children's, basically children's meetings. And Terry is working at a camp. She's the head cook at a Christian camp up in Michigan. At the end of the summer everybody sort of rendezvous's back at churches in like middle of August. And I'm getting ready to go to Bob Jones University coming here that fall.

I just finished college. And my buddy is sitting in church and Terry's on the other side of the auditorium and they're not sitting next to each other. And so I go up to him and I said, hey, how you doing? Fine. I said, are you still dating Terry? He said, no, we just broke up.

I thought, all too bad. So I went to the other side of the auditorium. I went over there and started talking to her. I said, what are you doing this fall?

She had been traveling on a revival team as a singer. I've been in college here in South Carolina. I said, what are you doing this fall?

She said, I'm going to Bob Jones University. I said, really? I mean, it's like, wow. It's like, man, the angelic choir was singing. Hallelujah.

Okay. Now, have you ever had anything like that happen to you? And then, you know, two weeks later it bombs.

You know what I'm saying? Because you think it's God's will. But the whole time we trusted God to providentially work in our circumstances. Then number five, the fifth principle is the idea of parents' approval or acceptance of the relationship. Verse 24, it says, she said to him, I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor.

Okay. Well, what does all that mean? Well, Nahor was Abraham's brother. Bethuel was the nephew of Abraham and Rebekah was the daughter of Isaac's first cousin.

In other words, it was within a framework where it be appropriate for them to be married. The scripture says here later on, verse 28, then the young woman ran and told her mother's household about these things. And later on, we find that there's a blessing that comes to her from her parents.

Verse 60, and they blessed Rebekah and said to her, our sister, may you become thousands of ten thousands and may your offspring possess the gate of those who hate him. You know what the point of the matter here is that there was definitely parental favor. When you get married, you do not marry just a person, you marry a family. Please understand that. You marry a family like little brother and sister and mom and dad. It's just not you and her and that's the rest of your life.

It doesn't work that way. So it is important for you to recognize the importance of the blessing of parents. When we were flying out to Denver, Colorado for the first time to meet Terry's parents. Terry said to me on the plane, she said, I just want you to know that if my dad does not approve of you, I will never date you again. Now I didn't sit there and get offended like, huh, you don't want to date me. Am I not more important than your dad? I thought, I had been reading Genesis 24. I went, yes, yes.

Oh Lord, this is awesome. This girl's tough. She's straightforward.

She wants to do the right thing. First time I met her, met my father-in-law, first thing he said to me, you want a beer? He wasn't a Christian. I said, nah, I'm trying to quit.

He said, and when it was all over with my wife, Terry came back to me and said, my dad really likes you. You know why? Because you went to a military school and you could be funny with him. I mean, really, it was weird. And yet it worked. I mean, it worked, but I was just being me.

I just being me. And he felt very comfortable. I'm so thankful that two out of our four children that are married, we have a wonderful relationship with our son and daughter-in-law. Seek your parents approval. And if your parents don't approve of it today, doesn't mean they won't approve of it tomorrow. It may be that they see some things in your life they're concerned about, and they want to see some definite changes in your life before the relationship moves forward. And then number six, very quickly, this is the principle of complete, honest and transparent communication. If you can't communicate with each other, you can't cohabitate with each other. The foundation for any good relationship is always transparent communication. It's an open honesty.

And so I won't go into the reading of the scripture, but we find it here that when Eliezer meets basically the family, he goes through the whole process of what God was doing. And the whole time he was very honest, or you could say it this way, there was no manipulation at all. Whenever relationships begin, there has to be complete honesty, no conniving, not trying to make it work, not trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. But there must be a complete trust in God. There's no controlling, there's no manipulation. It is trusting the Lord to lead in this relationship. And therefore you must be completely honest.

If you start playing little mental games and passive-aggressive manipulation and trying to control each other, you can't have a good relationship. It has to be open, it has to be honest, it has to be very straightforward. My wife and I are very straightforward with each other. And we are very straightforward with our kids.

Because there has to be honesty in order for there to be trust. And then number seven, the seventh is that the husband has to be able to provide for his wife financially. We read in verse 22, it said, When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing a half shekel and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels. I looked up this morning, one shekel is 11 grams on today's market, it's $461. Ten gold shekels was $4,614 and he gave her two basically bracelets. That means the dude was loaded. Verse 36, and he says, verse 35, The Lord has greatly blessed my master, he has become great, he has given him flocks and herds, silver, gold, male servants, female servants, camels and donkeys, and Sarah, my master's wife, bore a son to my master when she was old.

That's Isaac, and to him, Isaac, he has given all that he has. She was set. That's a pretty good deal for her. But I want to say this, that in marriage, it is very important that you are able to provide, especially the man, providing for the wife.

Now, there are always adjustments. When I got married, I didn't have much money, but I had a job. When my daughter got married, I told her, you can marry Ethan when you finish your master's degree. The reason why is because he's getting ready to go to law school, and she needed to be able to provide while he's in law school.

And so she worked as a paralegal in downtown Washington, D.C. as he attended Georgetown Law School, and so they were able to care for one another and meet one another's needs. But you have to be able to provide financially. You can't live on love but for about two weeks.

And then after that, everybody gets hungry, and you've got to have a place to live. So make sure you provide financially. Then number eight, very quickly, this is important, and that is the woman must be totally willing. In other words, she has the right of refusal. When you read this story, you're reading it from a divine perspective, from beginning to end, but you have to remember, when the story was taking place, they were just taking, just like you and I, one step at a time. And it was very clear the Lord was leading the whole way, but sometimes a girl can feel manipulated by spiritual people. It's like a guy walks up to a girl and says, I'm praying, and I believe it's God's will for me to marry you. Or a girl can say, well, I'm not so sure about that, and then suddenly she's the unspiritual one. The will of God was decided when Rebekah said yes.

She had the right of refusal, and the woman has to be totally willing to go. And then finally, the last thing is this, and that is that you need to seek contentment in your relationship with God, which is foundational for a good relationship in marriage, because how did the story end? Rebekah is brought to Isaac, and Isaac is out in the fields, and what is he doing? He's meditating. If I could say it this way, he has found personal fulfillment and contentment in the Lord. And when you find fulfillment and contentment in the Lord, it actually only makes your marriage better, because your ultimate fulfillment is not found in the man or in the woman, but is found in the Lord, and the two of you, as you get closer to the Lord, you actually get closer to one another. Father, thank you for your word, and thank you that you're faithful in all things in Jesus' name. Amen. You've been listening to a sermon preached by Bob Jones University president, Dr. Steve Pettit. Join us again next week as we continue this series on The Daily Platform.