Studies show that the effects of infatuation, what we call the butterflies, the liver quivers, the honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it, wear off in about 18 months to two years. And here's the thing: if that's primarily what your relationship is built on, then when that fades, which it will, then you're going to have nothing left. Welcome back to the Summit Life podcast with Pastor J.D. Greer. Quickly before we get started, I want to share about an upcoming event that might be for you or for the leaders God has placed in your church.
This spring, our partners at the Summit Collaborative are hosting a Multiply Intensive, a two-day experience designed for pastors, planters, and church leaders who are ready to take the gospel further. The Multiply Intensive brings together those who are planting churches, raising up disciples, and equipping teams to make kingdom impact at scale. Through main sessions with Pastor J.D. Greer, summit collaborative leaders, and trusted practitioners, as well as focused workshops for church teams, participants will gain the vision, tools, and next steps needed to move from maintenance to movement. The event takes place on Tuesday, March 24th through Wednesday, March 25th in Raleigh, North Carolina at the Summit Church Capitol Hills campus.
Don't just grow your church, multiply your impact. Learn more or invite a leader from your church today at summitcollaborative.org. And now for today. Throughout history, people have written countless songs, poems, and stories about love. And yet, when it comes to understanding love correctly, Pop culture often leaves us more confused than helped.
Relationships can be one of the greatest sources of joy in our lives, but they can also be a source of deep pain. What has the power to bless us so deeply also has the power to wound us profoundly.
So what does God's word actually say about love in relationships? Let's find out right now. We are tuning to the always fascinating song of Solomon, Here's Pastor JD. Summit Church, good morning. Again, open your Bibles if you have them to the Song of Songs or the Song of Solomon, as it is commonly called.
We are starting a series on finding love. There are a few things. That feels as traumatic as dating. Am I right? It can end up being both the best time and the worst time of your life.
Most married people that I know have at least one awkward breakup story. Mine was when a girl that I was dating and I broke up during the middle of a week-long mission trip that I was leading. Halfway through the week, it seemed pretty clear the breakup was where we were headed. I assumed that we would wait until the trip was over, but she decided we needed to have the conversation right then.
So we ended it right in the middle of the week. In fact, right in the middle of one of the mission activities. Everybody was over here doing their mission thing, and she and I were over there doing the breakup thing. I remember we gotta some pictures developed that morning, and she took one with the two of us together. She ripped it and threw it at me and said something like, here's your unity in Christ.
It was amazing. For obvious reasons, she didn't feel like finishing out the week under my leadership.
So she asked if someone could take her home.
Well, I was the only one authorized to drive the van.
So I had to drive her. Four hours home the next morning, just me and her in the vehicle. I ran out of things to talk about as soon as we pulled out of the driveway. She has gone on to have a great marriage, and so have I, but the point is, dating can be hard, and sometimes you make it hard on yourself. And now we've got the plethora of dating apps, which were supposed to make things easier, but honestly, have they?
I mean, I know in some ways they can make meeting easier, but they can also really complicate things. And maybe you wonder, like, you're like, is it okay for a believer to use a dating app? Or, how do you keep from getting burned or catfished or whatever the kids are calling it these days? I mean, we all know, we all know, right, that what people say on those things may not exactly be true. In fact, recently I saw a glossary that explained how you should interpret certain date phrases on these dating profiles.
So if you're in this phase, you should listen to this. If a guy says he's huggable, That means he is carrying a few extra pounds and has more body hair than Sasquatch. That's what that means, okay? If a woman says, I don't want somebody who starts drama. That means I'm the only one who is allowed to start drama, and I do it often, okay?
If a guy says, I'm laid back and very close to my family, that means I still live at home. I'm unemployed, and I hope you have a good-paying job. That's what that means. If she says, must love dogs, that means her dogs are always going to be more important to you, her than you, and you just need to get used to that. If he says, I own my own business, That means he sold a few random things on eBay.
If she says I own my own business, get ready to buy some essential oils, okay?
Now, I promise I did not make any of those up.
So how do we navigate these treacherous waters?
Well, of course, we're going to turn to God's word, specifically to two of the most ancient writings out there about romantic love, even if you're not a Christian. I think you might find this fascinating to see how some of the oldest books in the world talk about romantic love.
Now, I know some of you are sitting there asking, You're like, Well, JD, I've been happily married for 30 years. What's going to be in this for me?
Well, first of all, be honest, you may have been married for 30 years, but I am quite sure your spouse would not say they have not all been happy, right? It's like I always say, I've been happily married for about 21 years. And three other years for a grand total of 24.
Now, it's like they say: you should never stop dating your spouse. Right, and I'm going to bet that some of what we're going to go over is going to help you relearn some of those foundational truths about how love works. Maybe you say, Well, JD, I'm single, I'm satisfied in my singleness, and I anticipate staying that way for a long time, if not the rest of my time in life. I would still say, if that's you, that learning how God designed the human heart and how He intends to use other things besides marriage to meet some of those needs. would be helpful for you.
The bottom line is, I think there's going to be something in this for everybody.
Okay?
So here we go. The Song of Songs opens like this: this is Solomon's Song of Songs. more wonderful than any other. Two quick questions from this first verse. First, who wrote this song?
And second, what's this song really about? To the first question, who wrote this? You say, well, duh, Solomon. It says it right there in the first verse, Solomon's Song of Songs. True.
But scholars say that that might just indicate that Solomon was the compiler of this work. He was the series editor.
Solomon was the one who compiled all the wisdom literature in our Bibles, which includes Proverbs and Ecclesiastes in this book. That phrase might just mean that Solomon was the series organizer, or it might mean that Solomon himself wrote it. You say, well, what do you think, Pastor? I'm not sure. Part of me thinks Solomon wrote it, but there's a couple of reasons why maybe he didn't.
First, the guy in the story presents himself as a shepherd, and Solomon was definitely never one of those. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Second, the lovers in this book talk like they're the only ones in the world for each other. And Solomon had, well, 700 wives.
So that's a little problematic, too. That brings me to the second question. What is this book really all about? On the surface, it reads like a book. It's all about how awesome and thrilling and challenging and heartbreaking it is to try to find true love.
Seems pretty straightforward. But some Bible scholars say it should really be read as an allegory of God's love for us, since it's kind of weird to say that a song about romance is the song of all songs, more wonderful than any other. You say, well, what do you think, JD? My opinion is that it should definitely be read primarily as a love story. I say that because there's just too many really specific details in here for it to be read allegorically.
I saw one commentator, for example, who said that the woman's two breasts. That the groom describes in rather sultry terms on their honeymoon night represents the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Now, hear me, y'all. I love the Bible. I really do, okay? I love the Bible. But for me, that's a bridge too far, okay?
That said, I do think... that you can see in this story echoes of God's love. Hosea and Isaiah and the Apostle Paul and many other Bible writers tell us that God created romantic love to teach us about his love for us. Hebrew scholar Richard Hess, for example, says: Saints of every age have found that romantic love invites them to experience a transcendent love beyond the realm of the physical. You get to, in romantic love, you get a little taste.
of his love.
So we'll return to that at the end. Today, what we're going to do is walk through the first two chapters of this song, and we're going to discover five ancient laws for finding lasting love. Verse 3 is where we're going to start, chapter 1.
Now, one quick thing to note about the book as you read it. There are three different speakers in this book. There's a she, there's a he, and every once in a while you got this chorus that sings over them. You need to think of this like a musical, right? That's the way it's written.
It's written as a musical. What we're reading is the stage play script. Verse three is her speaking. She's the first one out on the stage. And she says to him, How fragrant your cologne!
Your name is like its spreading fragrance. No wonder all the young women love you. This was my life first in college. I'm just kidding. That's not true.
Cologne in those days was one of the most rare and valuable possessions that a person owned.
something that was passed down from generation to generation. This guy's name, his reputation, she says, has that kind of value to her. What is significant here is that the place where her attraction starts, the place where her description of what attracts her starts, is with his reputation. And for the rest of this chapter, she is going to comment on and fawn over aspects of this guy's character. Eventually, she's gonna get to how good he looks.
And some pretty clear and even semi-awkward descriptions of what she likes about how he looks. But that is not where she starts. And for us, that is law number one. Character outperforms and outlasts beauty. Our culture, as you know, tends to prioritize physical attraction over.
Everything. And let me be clear, physical attraction is not nothing. I mean, God created it. But it's not the most important thing, and it is certainly not everything. Studies, in fact, show, and by the way, if you're single.
You're dating. If you listen to anything I'm going to say, I want you to listen to this. Studies show that the effects of infatuation What we call the butterflies, the liver quivers, the honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it. wear off in about 18 months to two years. Which is why, by the way, some of you have never had a relationship that lasts longer than 18 months.
Experts call that the limerence phase, and your body literally releases all kinds of hormones during that time that create these euphoric feelings of hope in you. You feel alive, you feel young, you can't stop thinking about them. It's like you're overcome by these passionate feelings. It's an awesome period. But the most important thing to remember about that period is that it is a phase.
And it lasts at most. 18 months to two years. And here's the thing. If that's primarily what your relationship is built on. Then when that fades, which it will.
then you're going to have nothing left. Physical attraction, you see, fades in two ways. First, the beauty itself fades. I hate to be the bearer of bad news or to say something that's going to be depressing for some of us. But as you get older, things sag and they wrinkle.
and they gray and they droop. And Botox and working out cannot hold that off forever. But y'all, here's the double whammy. even if that wasn't true. Even if through Botox and hormone infusions and Grecian formula, Your partner could stay 29 forever.
Physical attraction's power over you fades. After 18 months, the intoxicating effects of the limerence phase are gone. And so, if you're looking for lifelong love in the dating process, you will prioritize character, not the butterflies, because character is a beauty that lasts long after the butterflies are gone. Matt Chandler, who is a pastor friend of mine, about my age, got brain cancer a few years ago and had to undergo pretty severe treatment. He talks about how during that season, His good looks and his wife Lauren's beauty were utterly meaningless to them.
He says, when I got cancer. Everything that was sexy about me vanished for two years. My strength. My vibrancy, my sense of humor, even my hair. I became a shriveled-up version of what I had been, but Lauren had entered into a covenant with me, and she loved the character.
that God had formed in my heart. All that mattered in that chapter of our marriage was her character and mine. Character sustained the marriage, fueling. and reigniting all the rest. Maybe you just met a new guy and you were like, oh, but he is so cute.
And when he takes his shirt off, he has that six-pack. I'm going to go ahead and tell you right now. When you are on the way to the emergency room at 3 a.m. with one of your kids, it does not matter what kind of sex-pack he has. All that's going to matter to you in that moment is if he's the kind of guy who knows how to petition God in prayer.
If he's a spiritual rock, you can lean on as the two of you have to trust the promises of God together. Y'all, I look at my wife sometimes. She's always been beautiful. I mean, several numbers higher than me on the 1 to 10 scale, or however you measure that. But we're getting older.
Right, that's no secret. And yet, there is a beauty in her character that just gets more beautiful year by year. She's got a body that's given birth to four children, and every woman will tell you that has an effect. But what I see is a body that has sacrificed itself for 24 years to serve me and our kids. And that's even more beautiful than what I fell in love with in college.
I look forward. to grow in hold with her. Because she gets more beautiful year by year, even as our bodies get older.
Now again, you say, well, JD, are you trying to say physical attraction should mean nothing at all? That I should just date her for Jesus? No. I'm not saying that. And neither is this woman in the song of songs.
God created physical attraction. You should not date somebody that you're not attracted to. You should not do that for their sake. Right, guys, if you need to hear this, no girl ever wants to hear you say, I don't really find you physically attractive at all, but your quiet time routine is on point, let me tell you, okay? No.
You need to pursue somebody that you're attracted to. I'm just saying that what should attract you first and most. This character. Law number two. Comes right out of law number one.
Be with somebody who builds you up. In verse 6, she says, don't stare at me because I'm dark. The sun has darkened my skin. My mother's sons were very angry with me. They forced me to care for their vineyards.
So I couldn't care for my own myself. I couldn't take care of myself, my own vineyard. You know, it's funny how beauty standards change from culture to culture and age to age. Today, many of us seek a tan. We will lay out in the sun for hours or spray weird chemicals on ourselves to get darker.
In those days, however, a tan was considered unflattering because it meant somebody worked in the fields, which meant they were Poe. Bottom line is that this girl is insecure about how she looks.
So in verse 9, he responds to her. And he says to her, into her insecurity, I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.
Now, I'm not sure it's advisable to compare your girlfriend to a horse, just for the record, okay? But go with me here for a minute. The Egyptian pharaohs had these famous white mares that pulled his personal chariot. They were considered to be the most beautiful horses in the world. Egyptians thought they originated from the garden of the gods themselves.
This man says to his girlfriend, I see you like one of them. He sees her, her as this whole beautiful package, not just one or two physical characteristics that she's insecure about. If you will indulge me one more time. Let me give you one more example of God's great gift to me in Veronica. If I can list out all the qualities that I love most about her.
near the top and maybe at the very top. Is how I feel about myself when I'm with her. Whether that's in private or in public. She is my biggest fan. I mean, she will tell me when she thinks I'm wrong.
And we get into it sometimes. But she is my constant encourager. From the very beginning, she has helped me see the unique way that God has shaped me and helped me believe in what he had for me. Yes, I got flaws like everybody else that would make me feel insecure. I got things just like this woman has, and so do you.
That if we focused and zeroed in on those things, they could be mocked or made fun of, and I would feel insecure about them. And yeah, we know about them, and every once in a while we talk about them, but she mainly calls out the strengths that make me feel like a mare among Pharaoh's chariots. Or, whatever the male version of that is. Mayor's a female, right? Isn't that right?
And a mayor a female? What's the male version of mayor? Stallion? Stud? I like stud.
We'll go with stud, okay? I Want to be with somebody, and you should be with somebody. Who locks in on that inner beauty, that unique manifestation of God's image in you? and calls that out. You should be the best version of yourself around them.
Maybe you're a girl in here. And you're like, well, JD, I would love a guy like that. But I seem to only ever attract guys who want one thing.
Well, first of all, I just want to say I am sorry about that. That is wrong. No woman deserves to be objectified. There are shallow guys like that. Who are only into women for their looks or for sex, and I would strongly encourage you to avoid them.
But I would also encourage you to do what this woman does in Song of Solomon 1. And that is to make sure that you consider what you are putting forward about yourself. What does how you present yourself communicate about what is most important to you? For example, does your social media scream, daughter of the king who cares about character? Or does it scream, look at me, how I look or what I'm wearing?
Hear me, I am not asking this to shame you or to blame you for anything. I'm just urging you to do what this woman does in Song of Songs 1, and that is make sure that in all the ways you present yourself, what you post, what you dress, any of it. That you be like this woman and communicate that what you value most is character. And that brings me to a really important question. Instead of only asking.
What kind of person am I looking for? You should also ask: Am I becoming the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for? That's the way Andy Stanley says that question, and I love it. Am I becoming... the kind of person that the person I'm looking for is looking for.
For example, ladies, you want a spiritual leader and a husband, as you should. Are you the kind of woman that that spiritual leader is looking for? Because Matthew 6:33 tells you to focus on what God is doing in your life, focus on the kingdom of God, focus on becoming that kind of person. And then God will add the spouse when he is ready. Become the person that the person you are looking for is looking for.
By the way, that's great advice, even if you never get married. Focus on becoming Christ-like. That's what God wants to do in your life. That's ultimately the point of life, anyway. Law number three.
This woman tells us to build the pyramid properly. Build the pyramid properly. Eventually they get to the physical attraction. For example, verse 15, he says, Behold, you are beautiful, my love. Behold, you are beautiful.
And I don't even mean like just, you know, beautiful in your character, your eyes. are intoxicated, they're like doves. In chapter 2, she describes the growth of physical sexual desire in their relationship. In fact, in verse 5 of chapter 2, she says, strengthen me with raisins. By the way, if this were a Hebrew audience, when I said that just now, everybody would have giggled.
Because raisins in those days were considered an aphrodisiac. She is basically saying, pour me some wine and turn on the Marvin Gay. Then verse 6. She's like, his left hand is under my head. And his right hand embraces me.
Y'all, that is about as sultry as the Bible can get. Because she is describing a romantic position. She wants to give herself. physically and sexually to this man. What is most instructive For us is how.
She's gotten to this point. She's admired his character for a whole chapter. In chapter 1, verse 9, he's built her up and helped her feel secure about herself. In verse 1 of chapter 2, he makes her feel special. He calls her a lily among thorn bushes.
In verse 3 of chapter 2, look at it. She talks about how safe she feels around him. With great delight, she says, I sat in his shadow. She feels protected by him and cared for by him and covered by him and protected by him and loved by him. And now she is ready to give herself.
to him. There is a joke that Dr. Danny Aiken, the president of Southeastern Seminary, told me and Veronica in the early days of our marriage. He said with the two of us and he said to us, he said, hey, you know that the one piece of advice I give you for maintaining a happy marriage is to remember that men are a lot like dogs and women are a lot like cats.
Well, that begs the question. How so?
So he looked right at Veronica, he said, what you need to remember is that in the marriage, men are a lot like dogs. He looked at her, he said, how do you make a dog happy? How do you make a dog happy? He said, there are three things you do that make any dog happy. You feed it.
You praise it and you play with it. You interpret that how you will. He then said, Women are a lot like cats. How do you make a cat happy? Yeah.
Nobody really knows. And whatever works one time is probably not going to work the second time, okay? He said, that's what you got to remember. By the way, we laugh at that. And some guys tell me they feel so seen when I say that.
But this lady in the Song of Songs would probably respond to that by saying, well, We're not as mysterious as you think. A man who makes his wife feel secure and special and safe opens up all kinds of pockets of love from her. Like this woman in the Song of Songs. That is why the old proverb is that for her, great sex starts in the kitchen, not the bedroom, because that's the place where these things are communicated. You're secure with me, you're special to me, you're safe with me.
By the way. This is really good news for all of us average-looking guys out there. The way girls are wired is actually good for you. See, when you know how to encourage her and build her up, and when you're a spiritual leader, she starts to think you're better looking than you are. The flip side of this, guys.
Is that when a man stops making his wife feel this way, he makes her vulnerable to another guy stepping in to do that? Hear me, I am not excusing anything she did or blaming you. Her sinful choice was not your fault. But when you hear some of these heartbreaking stories of adultery, And I've heard scores of them in the 20 years that I've served as your pastor. You see that usually these things, usually they don't start out with some guy who was a sexual deviant who seduced her.
Or with a wife with an out-of-control sex drive. It was just that some other guy started to make her feel seen and secure and special and safe in ways that her husband stopped doing years ago. And again, that does not justify any unfaithfulness on her part. That was a wicked and inexcusable choice on her part. I'm just saying that you can sustain your marriage by continuing to do those things long after the dating phase is over.
As I've heard it said, if you don't date your wife, somebody else might.
So, married men, it's a good question for you and me to ask ourselves. And I will direct this toward the men, since the woman is the one talking in chapter two, that this would apply both ways. I'll ask you, Minda, how well do you do in making her feel? secure and special and safe. Do you act interested in what she is saying?
Do you stop looking at your phone or the TV when she is talking? I'll be honest, sometimes I feel fully capable of watching whatever show I'm watching and hearing whatever my wife is saying. I'll be like, hey, I can actually repeat back what you just said, word for word. You want me to do it? And Veronica tells me, no, I want you to listen to me with your face.
This is what she wants me to listen to her with. with lots of nodding and grunts and uh-huh and oh I bet and that kind of language. Do you plan out date nights? And when you do, do you make sure? that you face away from the TV in whatever restaurant you're in so that you can focus on her.
Do you shave and put on cologne and wear something that doesn't have a sports team name or a picture of a big mouth bass on it when you go out? These are all implications of what we see here. In chapter one and two. But I labeled this point, build the pyramid properly. Because I wanted to highlight How she says sexual desire developed in this relationship because it has massive implications for dating.
Here we go. God made us.
So that sexuality, the best sex, physical oneness. Happens when it is the icing on the cake of oneness in every other aspect of our lives. I've taught on this a lot over the years. But sex is supposed to be a physical oneness. That corresponds to oneness in every other way.
Spiritually, you become one. Emotionally, you're one. Financially, you're one. Your families have become one. Your last names have become one.
Your bank accounts are one. Your futures are one. All of it's one. That's why it is supposed to, sex is supposed to happen only within the context of a covenant marriage. And it means that the best sex, the best romance, happens when the relationship has been built on a complete oneness of persons.
Let's put a bookmark in for a moment so I can take a moment to tell you about our featured resource this month. February can feel like a blur. After all, it is the shortest month of the year and our lives certainly don't slow down. But Lent, the 40 days leading up to Easter, gives us a chance to pause and prepare our hearts for what's coming. It invites us to reflect on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and the power we have because of the empty tomb.
This month, Summit Life is offering a new resource to guide you through this season. Walking Through Lent is a 40-day devotional designed to help you refocus your heart, center your thoughts on scripture, and walk intentionally toward Easter. Whether you're new to observing Lent or simply need a spiritual reset, this digital devotional is for you. Each day offers scripture and reflection to help you slow down and remember what matters most. And when you give to Summit Life this month, we'll send it to you instantly by email as our way of saying thank you so that each of us can walk toward Easter with purpose and hope.
To request this resource and begin the journey toward the cross and the empty grave, visit jdgreer.com. Uh Let's just ask, why did God create marriage in the first place? What was God's primary functional purpose in creating marriage? You say, well, it was to give us a picture of Christ in the church to reveal God's. But what was the earthly functional purpose?
What problem was he trying to fix? Was it for procreation? Was it for the alleviation of sexual desire? Yo, listen, what I'm about to say will radically change how you approach dating and marriage if you understand it. Single people listen really closely.
God's primary purpose was companionship, friendship. When God saw man single, did God look at Adam and say, oh no. How's he gonna have kids? And propagate the species, we better make a female. No.
The problem God was attempting to solve was this: He said, it is not good for man to be. Alone.
So I will make a... Companion for him, and the word God used for companion in Genesis 2 is a fascinating Hebrew word: Edzer Kennegdo. It means in Hebrew, literally different but the same. You are two different genders, and that brings difference to the marriage, difference of perspective, difference of temperament, difference of body, and all that stuff. but you were also the same.
You are companions and friends in this task called life. Here's what that means for dating. If marriage is fundamentally about friendship, And God says that's what it's for, then what you should most be looking for when you date is somebody who can be your Friend. Because that's God's ultimate earthly purpose for marriage. Ty, let me show you this.
I want you to think of building. The relationship, the way this woman is telling you to do it. I want you to think of it like building a pyramid, okay? The first layer we have here is spiritual. If you're choosing a companion, a partner, a friend in life.
You're going to be partners in life, then you got to choose somebody who shares your deepest and most fundamental commitments. Let me just say this as plainly as I can. If you call yourself a Christian, I'm not sure why you would ever intentionally date or marry somebody who was not a Christian. Unless it's a Christian. Why you'd ever date or marry somebody without the same vision for life that you have?
I mean, scripture says it even more plainly, 2 Corinthians 6:14, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. Don't see that as a restrictive rule. See that as a loving instruction. I mean, this is going to be your companion for life. She's going to be your life partner.
And if they're not a Christian, you are never going to be able to share the deepest parts of you with them. And sometimes. The two of you are going to be pulling in opposite directions. Long after all the butterflies have worn off, you're going to have questions like, how to spend your money. What values to raise your kids by?
And what you should do in your retirement. And if that person is not a Christian, you're going to be like two oxen, Paul says, in one go, trying to pull the sled in two different directions. By the way, sometimes we have people in here listening to me who are not Christians, and they are dating a Christian here at our church. And when I say that, they think I'm being mean when I say that, you know, you tell a Christian they shouldn't be dating a non-Christian. Listen, friend, I'm not being mean.
In fact, if you're not a Christian, I will tell you for your sake. You should not date a Christian unless you plan to become one. Because let me be very clear. That Christian you're dating right now. That one you're sitting next to.
really wants to convert you. You may prove it? They invited you here today, didn't they? And that's why every once in a while they give you the side eye and they're looking at you to see if I'm connecting with you. That's what they're seeing.
By the way, their whole family is praying for you this morning. They all know you're here. Everybody in the family is just going to keep praying for you, and nobody's ever really going to be happy until you become a Christian.
So, I would just tell you, for your sake, don't date a Christian unless you plan to become one.
So spiritual, the second layer we're going to put on here is emotional. By this I mean like How good of a partner are they going to make for you in life? I don't mean you got to like all the same things. You don't have to both love sports or hunting or Taylor Swift or home design. I don't mean that.
But is this the kind of person? That you want to process your day with for the rest of your life. It's just the kind of person you want to go on vacation with. It's just kind of person you want to retire with. Is he or she going to be your best friend?
Because, y'all, that's why God created marriage for companionship, for friendship. Not just to give you somebody to have sex with and have kids with. Spiritual, emotional, and then obviously the last layer here is physical. This is supposed to sit on top of all the others As we've seen, it's the least substantive of the three layers, which is why it's the smallest. This is how a healthy marriage is supposed to look.
And when it's built like this, then when this up here fades. Like it will one day. Then you still got all this, and this makes for a solid marriage. That said, If you build it like most people in our culture build it, which is this way, you got physical here, and then, hey, we can't, you know, this is where all the actions happening. And oh, yeah, we also kind of kind of like each other.
And I don't know, we don't want to talk about a whole lot of things spiritually. If that's what you do, does this look like a really stable structure? And when this goes one day, which it will. This is what happens to your relationship. Which leads me to law number four.
Sex sabotages the clarity process. Chapter 2, verse 7. Here's what she says: Promise me, O women of Jerusalem. By the Gazelles and the Wild Deer. Not to awaken love until the time is right.
He said, Jay, why'd you change your voice when you said gazelles and wild deer? Because in Hebrew thought, gazelles and wild deer represent youthful sexual vigor. This young lady says keep them hibernating until it's time for them to run. But then let them out of the cage and let them go wild. Why is she saying that here at the end of the dating process?
Is it simply because sex before marriage is sinful?
Well, let's be clear. Yes, it is. But she also says it here. At the end of this description in chapter two, because she's communicating, listen. Physical intimacy clouds the evaluation process.
Even secular scientists say That the intoxications of physical intimacy keep you blind to things in the partner. that you really ought to pay more attention to. Sex early in the relationship makes incompatible people think they're compatible. The purpose of dating is to allow you time and space to gain clarity about somebody's character. The purpose of dating is not to give you a romance appetizer.
or to allow you to experience marriage light. That's why she says, don't awaken love, sexual love. Don't awaken it until the time is right. Write this down if you're taking notes. Date for clarity, not intimacy.
Day for clarity, not intimacy. Because the purpose of dating is to get clarity about somebody's character, to see what kind of companion they're going to be for you, not to sample intimacy with them to hold you off until you get married. Physical intimacy early. on just clouds that evaluation process. Physical intimacy works like a drug.
It intoxicates you. When you're sick, and your body's in pain, the doctor prescribes a codeine pill. And you take it and you feel awesome. Your body is in fact not awesome. But the drug deceives you into making you think you are awesome, and that's fine when you're sick.
Thank God for good medicine. But think about the harm you cause to yourself if you let the illusion that that drug creates in you keep you from taking whatever steps you need to take to really get better. When I'm sick. I pump myself full of medicine because I want to get back out there because I hate sitting still. But my wife was always like, you need some rest.
I'm like, but I feel fine. She says, that's the drugs talking, but your body actually needs rest. And I usually ignore her. and work anyway, and then my body stays worn down and I stay sicker longer. The intoxication of physical intimacy keeps you from seeing what is really going on in the relationship and who they really are.
And when the physical excitement of sex fades, which it will, All you're left with is a sick relationship.
So if you are wise. I would say this whether you're a Christian or not. If you're wise in the dating process, you should keep physical intimacy to a minimum and heed this woman's advice. Don't awaken that stuff until the time is right. When I was a teenager, my dad.
gave me four practical laws to practice this. They have since come to be known as Lynn's Laws, because my dad's first name is, or middle name is Lynn, but everybody calls him Lynn. And they're actually a little famous around the summit church. Here's what I was told this when I was 16 years old: Sun, number one, nothing in the dark. Number two, nothing below the chin.
Number three, never, ever, ever, ever lie down. Nothing good ever comes from that. It's like Matt Chandler says, never in the history of humankind Has a guy and girl lying down to watch a movie together led to discussions about cinematography. or the symbolic resonance of the director's body of work. Never.
It will lead to one place. Said never lie down. Number four, nothing should last longer than five seconds. Because once it crosses five seconds. It almost for sure has become simple.
You say, those in the Bible? No. They're just guidelines. But see they helped me not awaken love until it was time. And when I held to those.
They kept me out of a lot of trouble. One of our campus pastors, Chapel Hill campus pastor. He distinguishes between acts of affection and acts of passion. Acts of affection when you're dating can be appropriate. Acts of passion awaken love before it's time, and so avoid those.
The singles, listen to me, okay? I know that living like this is difficult, countercultural. Sex is common in the dating culture, even expected.
So is divorce. And I think you're here. Because you want something different than what the world is putting out there, don't you? But see, here's the thing, listen. If you want something very few people have.
Then you've got to be willing to do what very few people are willing to do. You gotta build your relationship differently.
Sometimes I get asked.
Well, does this apply to high school students? How does this fly to high school students? Should high school students be able to date? Full disclosure? We don't have a rule against that at our house.
We have allowed our kids to go out on dates at age 16. But since they're not ready to get married. It won't be for I guess what mid-30s I'm guessing is when they'll be ready. Because dating is a road that leads to marriage. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go really far down that road if you've got no intention of getting to the destination.
So I tell my kids. in their dating relationships should prioritize friendships. especially in the dating years. Don't awaken love until it's time. We always told our kids that the three ideals to pursue in this stage are non-exclusive.
Non-physical. Non-escalated. Because once something is exclusive Physical and escalating, you are definitely awakening love and getting up into that physical realm. Law number five. Give the relationship a little T L C.
TLC is time for learning and community. Remember, you're dating for clarity, not for intimacy. And character is best seen not through the lens of intimacy, in fact, that just usually clouds things. What you need for clarity that you see in the Song of Songs Is you need time for learning and for observation, and you need community to help you with that. I say time to learn because usually it takes time to reveal somebody's character.
Time gives you a chance to observe them in different seasons, different relationships. In the beginning of the dating stage, they're in use car salesman mode. Trying to hide all the defects. You hear a rattle in the engine. You turn up the stereo.
You need time to see how they treat their parents. Because the single best predictor of how they're going to treat you one day is how they treat their family now. Or how they treat their friends. They're siblings. Do they keep their word?
Newsflash, if they don't keep their word to others, then one day they're not going to keep it to you either. How about this one? This one might be a little bit of a gut punch. Can they keep their hands off you? Because if they don't have the self-control to keep their hands off you now, why would you think they'll have the self-control to keep their hands off somebody else later?
when your intoxicating effects on them have worn off. You need time to see the real them. You also need enough time for the intoxication to wear off from you so that you can see the real them and not the romanticized, idealized version of them that you created in your head because you were all hopped up on pheromones. And yeah, I know, you don't have to email me. I know there are people who meet, and two weeks later, they're engaged and they make it okay.
I'm not saying that never happens. I'm just saying it's not best practice, especially when you're young. One of the greatest gifts that God gave to Veronica and me, I met her right before I left to be a missionary for two years. Literally, on the other side of the world, as far as you can get on this planet from North Carolina. And during those two years, we wrote lots of letters.
And in those two years of letters, I was able to see the real her. I'm not saying you should all move to Southeast Asia for two years. Though honestly, it probably could be helpful for some of you. Maybe you should. But you need the time.
an emotionally cool space to really see their character. And that leads me to one of the most important things you need. Community. Have you noticed this whole time in these first two chapters? She's talking to her community and they're singing back to her.
In fact, they're making their own observations about this guy. She evaluates this guy's character in the context of community. Dating in our culture has become a highly privatized thing between just you and the person you're dating. And the online dimension of dating now, which again, there's nothing wrong with it, but it just amplifies that. You start dating somebody that literally nobody else in your life knows.
In what is arguably the most monumental decision of your life, you isolate yourself and tell yourself that your heart knows best precisely when your heart is in the worst possible condition to know best. Yo, if there were no other practical reason to be involved in this church as a single, this would be it. Because people Who love you can see potential problems with that person that you can't see all intoxicated with. Infatuation as you are. In fact, Matt Chandler, again, one sure way to walk in foolishness in a romantic relationship is to date somebody who troubles the godly counselors in your life.
Somebody needs to hear that right now and it stings, but I'm telling you, it's a word of life.
So, if you are young and single, plug into the church. Get to know some older people. By the way, the best way to do that is by volunteering at one of our campuses. That's the best way to get to know other people. And ask those people to speak into your life.
In return, you can show those older people how to dress. how to use the flashlights on their phone or whatever they need help with, okay? Older people, invite single people into your lives. Invite them to sit around your table and have dinner with you. Let's return to the beginning, okay?
This is Solomon's Song of Songs. More wonderful than any other. For some of us, y'all, romantic love is all we've ever dreamed about. Seems like the song of songs to us. Seems like the one that is more wonderful than any other.
It's what we've yearned for, and we don't see how it's possible to have a full and complete life without.
Somebody's singing this song to us. But the Apostle Paul A single man? Made clear that romantic love, as awesome as it is, was only a signpost to a greater love. That's the love you're created for, that's the love you've always been missing. whether you've recognized it or not, the arms that you yearn for in romance, listen.
were actually his arms. What your soul was craving was not something from another human. It was craving something from God. You longed to be known and to be loved. You longed to be known completely, seen as you are, and accepted as you are, and loved unconditionally.
And that's the love that God gave at the cross. Tim Keller says there's a myth that many people in our culture believe called the right person myth. That myth says that there is a perfect right person out there for you. And if you don't find that person, you're never going to be happy. Can I tell you why it's a meth?
Listen. I'm gonna tell you what's a meth. You always marry the wrong person. Go home and say that to your spouse today. You are the wrong person for me.
It's true. And that's, listen, that's because the love you were created for. the love you yearn for, the person that you were designed to be complete in. It's not them. It's Jesus.
And when you're looking for... That completeness in somebody else. They always become the wrong person. Over the years, I've described it like this. Like most people approach dating like a man drowning in an ocean.
He's drowning in a sea of loneliness and despair, and along by floats, a 5'4 brunette life preserver. What's a drowning man do when he sees a life preserver? You grab hold of it. You know, like Rose on that door and kicks Jack off and he drowns. Like, that's what you do with a life preserver.
He sucks the life out of her. Because he's dependent on things from her that she was never designed to give him. I've told you this, lonely, insecure single people become lonely, insecure married people. Because problems like loneliness and insecurity aren't cured by another human being. They're only cured by the love of God.
Marriage does not solve emptiness, it just exposes it. That's why I always say, listen. that you're not really ready to date until you're ready not to date. Because until you're ready not to date, that is until you know that you can be a happy and complete person even if you're single, you're going to try to turn that marriage partner into something they were never designed to be. Plus that person you're marrying is a sinner.
Which means they're gonna let you down. No sinner is ever going to be able to understand you adequately, love you completely. No sinner is ever going to be a perfect companion to you. As much as I love Veronica and as much as she loves me, we get each other wrong and let each other down all the time. The way Tim Keller says that the best you can hope for in marriage is less of a bad match.
Because everybody ends up disappointing you. But see that also gives you a a freedom in marriage, doesn't it? He gives me a freedom in marriage. I'm not counting on you, Veronica, to complete me because Jesus completes me. And if Jesus is the one who completes me, that changes what I need from you.
I don't desperately depend on you for meaning and life and security. I'm full in Him, and I can love you out of the overflow of who I am in Him and out of the desperation of what I am without Him. And that enables me to forgive you. when you fail me. Takes a lot of the pressure out of dating too, doesn't it?
You see, rather than feeling like, oh, you're on this desperate, obsessive search for the right person who is the essential key to a happy life, you can find your completeness in him and trust him to meet your companionship needs in whatever way he sees fit.
Now, you realize this, there are other ways God can meet our companionship needs, right? When you're in a situation where marriage isn't available. Marriage might be the first way that God met our loneliness problem. It might even say it's the preferred way, but it's not the only way. In fact, the New Testament tells us that the companionship in marriage is just a pointer to the unity of the body of Christ, the church.
If you're not married now, God intends you to find these companionship needs in the church. When Jesus was asked about his earthly family, he pointed to his followers and he said, These are my family. This is my brothers and sisters and mother. Y'all, listen, every time you pray, you pray to a man who died as a 33-year-old single adult and never had a single romantic fling throughout his entire life. And yet, he was the happiest and most fulfilled person who ever walked the face of the earth.
and you're complete in him. He's the right person for you. His song is the song of songs. His song is the one more wonderful than any other. And that's a song he's singing over you right now.
And when you receive it, You can start to date out of fullness. and not out of emptiness. In this short teaching series, Pastor JD helps us view singleness, dating, and marriage through a biblical lens. Don't forget that you can get your copy of our brand new 40-day devotional called Walking Through Lent with your gift to this ministry. None of our gospel-centered work would be possible without your generosity.
And this is our way of saying thank you when you give at jdgreer.com. See you next time. Today's program was produced and sponsored by J.D. Greer Ministries. Yeah.
