How to Fight Fair - Up Close and Personal Pt. 4

There was a really interesting article in USA Today a while back and here's what it said. It said that one out of every five people, listen to this now, who got married in 1946, one out of every five, 20% of those people made it to their 50th anniversary.

Is that incredible? And yet today the average marriage lasts only 7.2 years. And one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. Now why do relationships break up like this today? Why do marriages break up like this today? Well obviously there's not one single reason that accounts for it all, but certainly in a large percentage of relationships, both in dating relationships and in marriage relationships, it's because the two people involved never figure out how to handle conflict successfully. Now folks, we have to be honest and say, every couple fights. Every couple disagrees. I mean every couple has arguments and arguments by themselves will not kill a relationship, but unhealthy, poor fighting patterns do. And I run into this all the time as a pastor where I'll see a couple and they really love each other and they really care about each other and they're really excited about their relationship and they're really optimistic and they're really committed and they get married. But because they don't know how to resolve conflict effectively, because they don't know how to fight fair, they end up ripping their relationship apart and many times the relationships fail with them still saying, you know, I really love that other person.

I really care about that other person, but our relationship has disintegrated so badly that we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Now what I want to talk to you about tonight is some principles to fight and have fair, to handle conflict and arguments in a way that do not destroy the fabric of your relationship, whether it's a dating relationship or whether it's a marriage relationship. You say, Lon, where did you learn all of these things? Folks, I learned all of these things in the trenches. For the last 24 years I have lived in the trenches with the mustard gas and the anthrax and all the other stuff that lives in the trenches of being married. And Brenda and I for years didn't know these principles and verbally, not physically, but verbally we would slug it out. I mean she'd verbally go pow and I would go verbally pow and we would just slug it out and finally we turned around one day and said, what are we doing?

This is crazy. We've got to figure out a way to handle conflict better or we're going to destroy each other and destroy our families. So these do not come out of some course, these don't come out of some seminar, these come out of the trench with the mustard gas and all the other nasty stuff. But I'm telling you, they work. Since Brenda and I have agreed to these rules in our relationship and have lived by them, we have seen an enormous health restored to our relationship and that's how we've made it 24 years as a married couple. Now what I'm going to share with you is not magic, there's nothing profound about it, but nonetheless, even though they're simple, I'm telling you these are powerful principles that when we live by them, they will change the way our relationships go. So I hope you'll take some notes.

Alright, you ready? I've got six principles to give you, so I hope you'll take some notes. Principle number one, and this may be the most important of all, principle number one is that there's a big difference between a ceasefire and resolving conflict in a relationship. There's a lot of difference between a ceasefire and conflict being resolved. Now lots of people let conflict stop, my friends, without ever resolving it. In other words, they just kind of declare a ceasefire and they decide what will just go on. But each one of those unresolved conflicts is like a stamp that people lick and put in the stamp book, and then what happens is when the next argument comes up, people take up the stamp book and they throw the whole stamp book at each other. And then they lick the new stamp and put it in the stamp book and save the book for the next argument.

Now that is not the way to survive in a relationship. The way to survive is to resolve conflict. And you say, well, Lon, what exactly does it mean to resolve conflict?

Well, here's how many people resolve conflict in a relationship. One of the two people grunts and says, I said it. I said, what was that? I was wrong.

What was that? I said it. I was wrong. That's not resolving conflict. Then we have people who go a little bit farther and they will go, I apologize, okay?

I apologize. Now that's not resolving conflict. That's declaring a ceasefire. You say, well, Lon, what is the resolving conflict? Resolving conflict means three things, okay? Number one, somebody, if not both people, assume responsibility, personal responsibility for what they did and they're willing to say, I did this and I was wrong.

You cannot resolve conflict without somebody accepting personal responsibility. I did this and I was wrong. And you got to say it out loud with your mouth. You got to say it. Well, she ought to know I was wrong. No, no, no. You say it.

I did this and I was wrong. Number two, the second thing is you have to request the other person, will you forgive me? You go, Lon, that is so cheesy, so humiliating, so hokey. You mean you should actually stand there and say, will you forgive me?

Absolutely. And third, now there's some couples that go this far, but they leave out the third step and it's the most important. Third step is you have to keep on saying, will you forgive me until your partner says, yes, I will forgive you. Now then you've resolved the conflict.

I did this and I was wrong. Will you forgive me? And then you demand a response.

And the only acceptable response if you're a Christian is, yes, I will forgive you. This is when conflict is resolved. You say, you don't really do this, do you?

Absolutely. In fact, not only do we do it, we make our children do it. When our children do something wrong, they know what they got to go through. You know, they know they have to come. They have to say, this is what I did. They have to say I was wrong. They have to say, will you forgive me? And then we say, yes, we will forgive you. And then we've resolved conflict. And until they've done that, the thing is not over.

It is not settled. And we make them go through that and we have for years. That is how you resolve conflict. Now, sometimes both of you have to do it. Sometimes, you know, both of you are wrong and that's okay. But you've got to get to the point where the other person makes a decision and says, yes, I'll forgive you.

You'll understand why that's so important a little later. Principle number two, Ephesians chapter four, verse 26. It says, look what it says, in your anger, be careful you do not sin. See, is it wrong to get angry? Is it sin to get angry? No. Did Jesus get angry?

Yeah, he sure did. Drove those money changers out of the temple. Sin? Anger is not sin. But anger puts you right on the edge where if you're not careful, you can sure step into sin because it's such a violent emotion, such a strong emotion. The Bible says, hey, in your anger, do not sin.

Now look what it says. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold by doing that. The second principle is this, do not let the day end without your conflict resolved. Now we just defined what it means to be resolved, right?

You know how to do it. So don't let the day end without resolving whatever conflict it is that you're in the middle of. When Brendan and I first got married, we talked about this principle and we decided that we would honor this principle in our marriage. And then we got married.

And then we, you know, we had to really put this to the test. And there were some days where I would literally, this really happened in the early years of our marriage, where I would sit on the side of the bed and say, you're not getting in bed. Yes, I am. Get out the way. Oh, no, you're not. You are not getting in the bed because remember, we made an agreement that we do not go to sleep till we have talked this through and we have resolved it and somebody has admitted they're wrong and somebody has asked for forgiveness and somebody has granted it. So it's going to be a long night, Brenda, until we talk about this because you're not going to bed. And I'm stronger than you are and it's not happening. We're going to solve this before we go to bed.

Now, why is that so important? And let me just say, that doesn't mean that you can't back off during the day for a little cooling off period. I mean, you may get into the fight at noon or five o'clock in the afternoon and sometimes it's good to cool off a little bit before you come back a few minutes later and talk about it. Sometimes it's good to walk away for an hour or two or for more and think about it and pray about it and a lot of times when you come back, it's easier to resolve. But don't let the day end without resolving it.

Why is that? Because the next day it's harder to talk about it. The next day you get up and it turns into a cold war over hot coffee first thing in the morning. It's awful difficult to get back in and talk about these kinds of disputes and arguments the next day. They kind of get a crust on them.

They kind of get plaque on them after you sleep on them all night and they're not as easy to talk about and then they become one of those things that just go as a stamp into the stamp book and then they come back to get you. No, you settle it before you go to bed. Principle number three is when there's an argument, stick to the ground rules and under this point I've got four ground rules to give you.

Ready? Ground rule number one, stay away from words like never and always. You never listen to me when I'm talking to you. Well what do you think I'm doing right now? I'm standing here staring right at you. I heard every word you just said.

That's what I mean. You never listen. You always think of yourself first. You have never done an unselfish thing in your life. Say never?

I've never done a single unselfish thing in my whole life? Never. Well see when you're talking like that you can't possibly make any headway. We made an agreement in our marriage that the words always and never cannot be used in an argument. You're not allowed to use them.

Brenda will say you always and I go uh uh uh uh. Can't use that word. Can't use that word. You never uh uh uh uh. Can't use that word. You can say most of the time but not always. Because when people say always and never they give you no place to go.

How can you ever possibly defend yourself against those words? Second ground rule, make sure you stay on the issue. If the issue was that your partner forgot to do something they promised to do, talk about that issue. Talk about that issue only.

Don't bring in 45 other issues that have absolutely nothing to do with it. Stay on the subject and talk about one thing at a time. Now you know arguments between couples are famous for getting off the subject. You start about talking about the fact that you promised to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home. And the next thing you know you're talking about what you did to her mother three years ago.

No. If the issue is I forgot to get a carton of milk on the way home then let's talk about the fact that I forgot to get a carton of milk and that's the only thing we're fighting about. Ground rule number three is there's no character assassination. I can't emphasize this strongly enough. You say what do you mean by that? Well let's say I forgot to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home. Okay if that's the issue let me tell you where arguments often go. They often skip from that to saying you are so selfish. You are so insensitive. You are so self-centered.

You are an egomaniac. Because I forgot to stop and get a carton of milk? Yes.

Yes. Now stop for a second and think. Forgetting to stop and get a carton of milk is an act that I did that I can apologize for.

Shoot I can even fix it. I can go get in the car and go get a carton of milk. But all of a sudden when you let that go over to assassination of character you are selfish. You are insensitive. You are self-centered.

You are an egomaniac. See you're not on the issue anymore. Now you're chopping away at that person's character. You're assassinating their character and that causes hurt and that causes damage and that causes alienation and pain that long after the carton of milk is forgotten about you're still smartening and oozing and bleeding from those nasty things that were said not about the carton of milk but about your character. Folks character assassination is unacceptable in an argument. And when we get into a fight and any comment like that is made I stop or Brenda stops whichever and we go wait a minute that's character assassination. That is unacceptable. That is deplorable and that is not coming into this argument.

We are not going there. Fourth ground rule finally ground rule D is you can't bring something up once it's been forgiven. It becomes nonadmissible as evidence. Now do you see why it's so important to make the other person say yes I forgive you? Because now when you're in a fight a month later or six months later and they go yeah that was just like the time you.

You say wait a minute whoa whoa up up up up up up up. Didn't you forgive me for that? Well yeah all right well I'm sorry then it's inadmissible as evidence.

Well forgiven information cannot be admitted as evidence. Yeah but I want to admit it. Well I'm sorry the rules are you can. Yeah but it applies to no no no did you forgive me? Yeah but I'm sorry I did. Well that's tough.

That's too bad. You did and it is no longer admissible as evidence. Those are the four ground rules. Let's go over them again one more time real quick. Ground rule number one is stay away from words like never and always. Ground rule number two make sure you stay on the issue. Ground rule number three there is no character assassination allowed and ground rule number four once something is forgiven it is not admissible as evidence anymore ever again ever again.

And this is why it's so important to get that person to say yes I forgive you. Now principle number four okay principle number four is if somebody starts breaking the rules there's no further discussion until they agree to keep the rules. You see you got to hold one another accountable to the rules which means that that's why it's so important for you to list the rules and agree on the rules before you get into an argument when you're still in your right mind. This is important when everybody's calm and everything is nice we need to agree on the rules and then we need to hold each other accountable for the rules we've agreed on. Many times Brenda and I have had an argument where I have said or she has said wait a minute you're violating the rules.

Now when you're in the middle argument you don't want to hear that. So what do you mean I'm violating the rules? Well you just used the word never. No I never used never. Yes you did.

Yes you did. And if you don't stop I'm breaking off the discussion and I'm walking out. What do you mean you're walking out? Well you're either going to keep the rules or I walk out. And we have done that both Brenda and I to the other one have walked out of the discussion said look when you're ready to keep the rules I'll come back we'll talk about it some more. You call me when you're ready to keep the rules. But if you're not going to keep the rules we're not discussing this I'm out of here and just turn and walk out the door. Walk in the other room.

That's important. There has to be an accountability if we agree on the rules then we got to hold each other accountable to the rules and we got to say hey if you're not going to keep them we're not discussing it. Because if we do we're going to say some things and do some things that we are going to be so sorry for that are going to be so damaging and so hurtful that I'm not even going to let the discussion happen. I call time you're not keeping the rules foul and I'm out of here.

You call me when you want to keep the rules. Principle number five is realize that you and your partner are always going to have differences that you'll never close the gap on. I mean no matter how close you are no matter how many years you're together there's certain things you're just never going to agree about and that's fine that's okay.

I mean God doesn't want the two of you to be clones you know what I'm saying? He wants there to be difference he wants there to be dynamic tension. As I've told you many times my wife and I don't agree on almost anything. You name it we disagree.

Virtually anything. You don't believe me ask anybody who knows us. We disagree on how to spend money. I mean I understand how to do it she doesn't but from her point of view she understands how to do it and I do. We disagree on the kind of house to buy. We disagree on the kind of car to buy. We disagree on the kind of clothes to wear to a party. We disagree on everything.

Everything. We don't even agree on the kind of vacations we want to take. Well that's okay.

That's okay. We don't have to be alike and it doesn't mean we've got a bad relationship if we don't agree on everything. But it means even when we disagree we have to know how to handle it so that we can resolve it and keep going in peace. Principle number six and finally realize that forgiveness has to be a way of life in a relationship.

I don't know how I can stress this any stronger than I want to. You know in relationships people hurt each other. You know people, I mean you can't be in a relationship and not hurt the other person.

It just happens. And the couples that make it, the relationships that survive are relationships where both people begin to understand that forgiveness has to be a way of life. That we don't keep score and say you know I've forgiven you eight times you've only forgiven me six.

So I'm ahead of you. No, no, no, no, no. Or how many times do you want me to forgive you?

Well can you draw the symbol for infinity? I mean that's the answer to that question. Well forgiveness is a way of life for couples and the couples that make it are the couples that learn to get comfortable with the idea that when you live you hurt people. You don't mean to hurt people.

You just do. And forgiving one another just has to become a normal expected part of the relationship. It's not anything special.

It's not anything out of the ordinary. It's just part of what you have to do to make a relationship work. I have to honestly say I married one of the most forgiving human beings I've ever met. And that was a gift from God because I do probably more stupid things than anybody I've ever met also. And you know I'm constantly going to Brenda and going Brenda I'm really sorry about that.

I really wasn't thinking. I mean I wasn't using my head will you forgive me. And you know I've asked for forgiveness probably ten times for every time Brenda does once. In fact my son came to me the other day and he said how come you're the one that always asks for forgiveness and mom never does? I said well go ask your mom. You know the answer he got?

Because your dad's the one that always is wrong. Okay well you know what there's a lot of truth to that. I mean she's not too far wrong. And I married one of the most wonderfully forgiving people in the world. I have pulled some of the most bonehead things you have ever heard of in your life. I mean some things that you know you just can't even believe a person could really do. And Brenda just keeps bouncing back and forgiving bouncing back and forgiving bouncing back and forgiving. I mean in spite of the stupidity of some of the things bouncing back and forgiving. It's wonderful to be married to a person who knows how to forgive.

That's why marriages make it. Because we get comfortable with the idea that forgiveness is what this is going to all be about. It's not going to be about eventually getting it right so we don't hurt each other anymore.

That's not going to happen. It's about getting comfortable with the notion that I am a forgiver and that's okay. Let's review. What are the six principles? Number one resolve conflict. Just don't declare cease fires. Principle number two. Resolve conflict before you let the day end. Don't let it get plaque on it so the next day you can't get the plaque off and it just becomes a stamp in the stamp book that later gets thrown at you.

Fix it before you go to bed while it's current. Number three. Agree on and hold each other accountable for keeping the ground rules. Ground rule A. Don't use never and always. Ground rule B.

Stay on the issue. Ground rule C. Don't assassinate your partner's character. And ground rule D. Once you've forgiven something, can't bring it up again. Principle number four. Make sure that both of you have the right to hold each other accountable for keeping the rules. And if somebody doesn't keep them, you break it off.

You don't let a fight go on where people are violating the rules because somebody's going to get hurt. Principle number five. Accept the fact that there are going to be some differences that will never change and that's perfectly okay. You're never going to agree on everything and that's fine. And principle number six.

Learn to get comfortable with the idea that forgiveness is nothing special. It's just a way of life for a couple that's going to make it. As I said earlier, these are very simple principles.

They're not profound and they're not hard. But they changed our marriage when Brendan and I began saying these are the principles we're going to live by, these are the principles we're going to fight by, and these are the principles that we're going to run our marriage relationship by. And I'm telling you, whether you're dating somebody, whether you're married to somebody, if you'll follow these principles, it will enable you to make it to your 50th anniversary.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing? If you live that long, you'll make it there if you'll follow these simple principles about how to fight. May God help you do that. Let's pray together. Lord Jesus, thank you for reminding us tonight that things to work don't have to be complex, they don't have to be profound, they don't have to be overwhelming, they don't have to be so esoteric that nobody can get their arms around them.

Things can be very simple. And Father, I pray that you would use these very simple principles that Brendan and I have hacked out in the trenches of marriage for 24 years. Very simple principles that you've taught us based on the Word of God to encourage the folks who are here tonight. And Father, save them having to go through a lot of the pain and the heartache that Brendan and I went through before we learned these principles. And whether folks here are thinking about a dating relationship or whether they're married and they're thinking about these principles and how they apply to a marriage relationship, I pray that you would give them a heart to not only listen to these principles, but to put them into action in their relationship. To hold each other accountable for them. To really run their relationship on the basis of these principles. And Lord, I know if they will, that you will give them relationships that don't rip each other apart.

And you will give them relationships that last. And we pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.