"How To Fight Fair"

Hi there, this is Lon Solomon and I'd like to welcome you to our program today. You know it's a tremendous honor that God has given us to be on stations all around the nation bringing the truth of God's word as it is uncompromising and straightforward. And I'm so glad you've tuned in to listen and be part of that.

Thanks again for your support and your generosity that keeps us on the radio. And now let's get to the word of God. There was a really interesting article in USA Today a while back and here's what it said. It said that one out of every five people, listen to this now, who got married in 1946, one out of every five, 20% of those people made it to their 50th anniversary.

Is that incredible? And yet today the average marriage lasts only 7.2 years and one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. Now why do relationships break up like this today? Why do marriages break up like this today?

Well obviously there's not one single reason that accounts for it all but certainly in a large percentage of relationships, both in dating relationships and in marriage relationships, it's because the two people involved never figure out how to handle conflict successfully. Now what I want to talk to you about tonight is some principles to fight and have fair, to handle conflict and arguments in a way that do not destroy the fabric of your relationship, whether it's a dating relationship or whether it's a marriage relationship. You say, Lon, where did you learn all of these things? Folks, I learned all of these things in the trenches. For the last 24 years I have lived in the trenches with the mustard gas and the anthrax and all the other stuff that lives in the trenches of being married. And Brenda and I for years didn't know these principles and verbally, not physically, but verbally we would slug it out. I mean she'd verbally go pow and I would go verbally pow and we would just slug it out and finally we turned around one day and said, what are we doing?

This is crazy. We've got to figure out a way to handle conflict better or we're going to destroy each other and destroy our families. So these do not come out of some course, these don't come out of some seminar, these come out of the trench with the mustard gas and all the other nasty stuff. But I'm telling you, they work. Since Brenda and I have agreed to these rules in our relationship and have lived by them, we have seen an enormous health restored to our relationship and that's how we've made it 24 years as a married couple. Now what I'm going to share with you is not magic, there's nothing profound about it, but nonetheless, even though they're simple, I'm telling you these are powerful principles that when we live by them, they will change the way our relationships go. So I hope you'll take some notes.

All right, you ready? I've got six principles to give you. So I hope you'll take some notes. Principle number one, and this may be the most important of all, principle number one is that there's a big difference between a ceasefire and resolving conflict in a relationship. There's a lot of difference between a ceasefire and conflict being resolved. Now lots of people let conflict stop, my friends, without ever resolving it.

In other words, they just kind of declare a ceasefire and they decide what will just go on. But each one of those unresolved conflicts is like a stamp that people lick, you know, and put in the stamp book. And then what happens is when the next argument comes up, people take up the stamp book and they throw the whole stamp book at each other. And then they lick the new stamp and put it in the stamp book and save the book for the next argument.

Now that is not the way to survive in a relationship. The way to survive is to resolve conflict. And he said, well, Lon, what exactly does it mean to resolve conflict?

Well, here's how many people resolve conflict in a relationship. One of the two people grunts and says, I said, what was that? I was wrong.

What was that? I said it, I was wrong. That's not resolving conflict. Then we have people who go a little bit farther and they will go, I apologize, okay?

I apologize. That's not resolving conflict. That's declaring a ceasefire. You say, well, Lon, what is the resolving conflict? Resolving conflict means three things, okay? Number one, somebody, if not both people, assume responsibility, personal responsibility for what they did and they're willing to say, I did this and I was wrong.

You cannot resolve conflict without somebody accepting personal responsibility. I did this and I was wrong. And you got to say it out loud with your mouth. You got to say it. Well, she ought to know I was wrong. No, no, no. You say it.

I did this and I was wrong. Number two, the second thing is you have to request the other person, will you forgive me? You go, Lon, that is so cheesy, so humiliating, so hokey. You mean you should actually stand there and say, will you forgive me?

Absolutely. And third, now there's some couples that go this far, but they leave out the third step and it's the most important. Third step is you have to keep on saying, will you forgive me until your partner says, yes, I will forgive you. Now then you've resolved the conflict.

I did this and I was wrong. Will you forgive me? And then you demand a response.

And the only acceptable response if you're a Christian is, yes, I will forgive you. This is when conflict is resolved. You say, you don't really do this, do you?

Absolutely. In fact, not only do we do it, we make our children do it. When our children do something wrong, they know what they got to go through. You know, they know they have to come, they have to say, this is what I did. They have to say, I was wrong. They have to say, will you forgive me?

And then we say, yes, we will forgive you. And then we've resolved conflict. And until they've done that, the thing is not over.

It is not settled. And we make them go through that and we have for years. That is how you resolve conflict. Now, sometimes both of you have to do it. Sometimes, you know, both of you are wrong and that's okay. But you've got to get to the point where the other person makes a decision and says, yes, I'll forgive you.

You'll understand why that's so important a little later. Principle number two, Ephesians chapter four, verse 26. It says, look what it says, in your anger, be careful you do not sin. See, is it wrong to get angry? Is it sin to get angry? No. Did Jesus get angry?

Yeah, he sure did. Drove those money changers out of the temple. Sin, anger is not sin. But anger puts you right on the edge where if you're not careful, you can sure step into sin because it's such a violent emotion, such a strong emotion. The Bible says, hey, in your anger, do not sin. Now look what it says, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold by doing that. The second principle is this, do not let the day end without your conflict resolved. Now we just defined what it means to be resolved, right?

You know how to do it. So don't let the day end without resolving whatever conflict it is that you're in the middle of. When Brenda and I first got married, we talked about this principle and we decided that we would honor this principle in our marriage. And then we got married.

And then we, you know, we had to really put this to the test. And there were some days where I would literally, this really happened in the early years of our marriage, where I would sit on the side of the bed and say, you're not getting in bed. Yes, I am. Get out the way. Oh, no, you're not. You are not getting in the bed. Because remember, we made an agreement that we do not go to sleep till we have talked this through and we have resolved it and somebody has admitted they're wrong and somebody has asked for forgiveness and somebody has granted it. So it's going to be a long night, Brenda, until we talk about this because you're not going to bed and I'm stronger than you are and it's not happening. We're going to solve this before we go to bed.

Now, why is that so important? And let me just say, that doesn't mean that you can't back off during the day for a little cooling off period. I mean, you may get into the fight at noon or five o'clock in the afternoon and sometimes it's good to cool off a little bit before you come back a few minutes later and talk about it. Sometimes it's good to walk away for an hour or two or for more and think about it and pray about it and a lot of times when you come back it's easier to resolve. But don't let the day end without resolving it.

Why is that? Because the next day it's harder to talk about it. The next day you get up and it turns into a cold war over hot coffee first thing in the morning. It's awful difficult to get back in and talk about these kinds of disputes and arguments the next day. They kind of get a crust on them. They kind of get plaque on them after you sleep on them all night and they're not as easy to talk about.

And then they become one of those things that just go as a stamp into the stamp book and then they come back to get you. Know you settle it before you go to bed. Principle number three is when there's an argument stick to the ground rules. And under this point I've got four ground rules to give you.

Ready? Ground rule number one stay away from words like never and always. You never listen to me when I'm talking to you. Well what do you think I'm doing right now? I'm standing here staring right at you. I heard every word you just said.

That's what I mean. You never listen. You always think of yourself first. You have never done an unselfish thing in your life. Say never?

I've never done a single unselfish thing in my whole life? Never. Well see when you're talking like that you can't possibly make any headway. We made an agreement in our marriage that the words always and never cannot be used in an argument. You're not allowed to use them.

Brenda will say you always and I go uh uh uh uh. Can't use that word. Can't use that word. You never uh uh uh uh. Can't use that word. You can say most of the time but not always. Because when people say always and never they give you no place to go. How can you ever possibly defend yourself against those words?

Second ground rule. Make sure you stay on the issue. If the issue was that your partner forgot to do something they promised to do talk about that issue. Talk about that issue only.

Don't bring in 45 other issues that have absolutely nothing to do with it. Stay on the subject and talk about one thing at a time. Now you know arguments between couples are famous for getting off the subject. You start about talking about the fact that you promised to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home and the next thing you know you're talking about what you did to her mother three years ago.

No. If the issue is I forgot to get a carton of milk on the way home then let's talk about the fact that I forgot to get a carton of milk and that's the only thing we're fighting about. Ground rule number three is there's no character assassination. I can't emphasize this strongly enough. You say what do you mean by that? Well let's say I forgot to stop and get a gallon of milk on the way home. Okay if that's the issue let me tell you where arguments often go. They often skip from that to saying you are so selfish. You are so insensitive.

You are so self-centered. You are an egomaniac because I forgot to stop and get a carton of milk. Yes!

Yes! Now stop for a second and think. Forgetting to stop and get a carton of milk is an act that I did that I can apologize for.

Shoot I can even fix it. I can go get in the car and go get a carton of milk. But all of a sudden when you let that go over to assassination of character you are selfish. You are insensitive. You are self-centered.

You are an egomaniac. See you're not on the issue anymore. Now you're chopping away at that person's character.

You're assassinating their character and that causes hurt and that causes damage and that causes alienation and pain that long after the carton of milk is forgotten about you're still smartening and oozing and bleeding from those nasty things that were said not about the carton of milk but about your character. Folks character assassination is unacceptable in an argument. And when we get into a fight and any comment like that is made we stop, I stop or Brenda stops whichever and we go wait a minute that's character assassination that is unacceptable that is deplorable and that is not coming into this argument.

We are not going there. Fourth ground rule finally, ground rule D is you can't bring something up once it's been forgiven. It becomes non-admissible as evidence. Now do you see why it's so important to make the other person say yes I forgive you? Because now when you're in a fight a month later or six months later and they go yeah that was just like the time you.

You say wait a minute whoa up up up up up up up. Didn't you forgive me for that? Well yeah all right well I'm sorry then it's inadmissible as evidence.

Well forgiven information cannot be admitted as evidence. Yeah but I want to admit it. Well I'm sorry the rules are you can. Yeah but it applies to no no no did you forgive me? Yeah but I'm sorry I did. Well that's tough.

That's too bad. You did and it is no longer admissible as evidence. Those are the four ground rules. Let's go over them again one more time real quick. Ground rule number one is stay away from words like never and always. Ground rule number two make sure you stay on the issue. Ground rule number three there is no character assassination allowed. And ground rule number four once something is forgiven it is not admissible as evidence anymore ever again ever again.

And this is why it's so important to get that person to say yes I forgive you. Now principle number four okay principle number four is if somebody starts breaking the rules there's no further discussion until they agree to keep the rules. You see you got to hold one another accountable to the rules which means that that's why it's so important for you to list the rules and agree on the rules before you get into an argument when you're still in your right mind.

This is important. When everybody's calm and everything is nice we need to agree on the rules and then we need to hold each other accountable for the rules we've agreed on. Many times Brenda and I have had an argument where I have said or she has said wait a minute you're violating the rules.

Now when you're in the middle of an argument you don't want to hear that. So what do you mean I'm violating the rules? Well you just used the word never. No I never used never. Yes you did.

Yes you did. And if you don't stop I'm breaking off the discussion and I'm walking out. What do you mean you're walking out? Well you're either going to keep the rules or I walk out. And we have done that both Brenda and I to the other one have walked out of the discussion said look when you're ready to keep the rules I'll come back we'll talk about it some more. You call me when you're ready to keep the rules. But if you're not going to keep the rules we're not discussing this I'm out of here and just turn and walk out the door.

Walk in the other room. That's important. There has to be an accountability if we agree on the rules then we've got to hold each other accountable to the rules and we've got to say hey we're going to keep them we're not discussing it. Because if we do we're going to say some things and...