"The Quicksand of Relationships"

Hi there, this is Lon Solomon, and I'd like to welcome you to our program today. You know it's a tremendous honor that God has given us to be on stations all around the nation bringing the truth of God's Word as it is uncompromising and straightforward. And I'm so glad you've tuned in to listen and be part of that.

Thanks again for your support and your generosity that keeps us on the radio. And now, let's get to the Word of God. Now let's start by asking this question. How does God feel about sex? Say, well, I don't know. I never really thought about that. I mean, it's kind of a weird question.

No, it's not a weird question. I want you to take a Bible. I want you to open it together to the book of Proverbs, Proverbs chapter 5. And look with me, if you would, at verse 18. It says, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. Verse 19. May her breasts always satisfy you.

May you ever be captivated. The word literally means intoxicated, drunk in her love. Now, what is God talking about here? God is talking about a man and a woman sexual relationship. He's talking about a man and a woman really getting into it sexually. And what he is saying here is that this really pleases him. You know, the common view of God when it comes to sexual relationships is that God is the ultimate killjoy in the universe, that he is like some sort of super nun that just sits up there in heaven and just says, No, no, no, no, you don't. Not my universe.

You don't. But that is not God. That is not God at all.

My friends, God, although it may come as a shock to many people, God is a God and sex pleases this God. Listen, when you have kids, when you when you grow up, get married, you have children, let me tell you something, don't you ever tell your children, don't you ever even imply to your children that sex is dirty or sex is bad. You know why? Because they'll believe you. And you will lay a curse on them that they will struggle the rest of their life to overcome. Many of you were told that when you grew up. And friends, I'm telling you that that is wrong.

It's a lie. God, you tell them that God says that sex is good, that sex is beautiful, that sex is pleasing to God. You tell them that God is all for sex. So long as you use it God's way. You say, See, there, I knew there was a catch to this somewhere. Well, there's a little one, as long as you use it God's way.

Now, what is God's way? Well, sex has rules. It's not like Howard Stern fields.

It's not a free for all. There are some rules to this thing. Hebrews chapter 13, verse four, listen, it says marriage is honorable, and the marriage bed is pure or undefiled. God's boundary for sex, God's way of using sex is in this relationship called marriage. And it all relates to God's goal for marriage. Remember, in the Old Testament, God said this, you hear it at most weddings, and a man shall leave his father and his mother, and he shall cleave to his wife, and here it is, and the two of them shall become, you know it, don't you?

What? One flesh. And my friends, God's plan for sex is that it be the highest expression, that it be the deepest way of communicating this one flesh experience that is in that sexual relationship between a wife and a husband. And yes, it's true that children are born from this sexual union, but that is completely secondary.

The primary function of sex is to enrich and give expression to this one flesh intimacy, to pull a man and a wife together in a way like nothing else does, to deepen their intimacy, to enrich their communication, and to get to know your partner in a way that nothing else reveals your partner's heart and soul to you. Think about it for a second. Sex is the only thing in the world that a husband and a wife do for each other that God allows nobody else to do. Do you ever think about that?

Think about it for a second. If you get married, God would be perfectly happy if somebody else washes your spouse's clothes. It would make God perfectly happy if somebody else fixes your spouse's meals. Somebody else can vacuum your spouse's floor. Somebody else can wash your spouse's car. Somebody else can even floss your spouse's teeth if they want to. But there is one thing God says nobody else does with your spouse but you, and that's have sex. And you know why? Because there is nobody else in the universe that has become one flesh with that spouse but you.

That's it. And that expression of being one flesh together, the sexual relationship, is reserved for people who have made this commitment and are in the process of that intimate relationship called marriage where you become one flesh. Marriage is the fence that God has put around sex, and used inside that fence, sex is wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous, fulfilling, used outside of that fence.

Sex is destructive and causes pain and heartache in people's lives. You say, well Lon, I hear what you're saying. I do. But you know, I've got some good reasons why you should have sex before marriage.

You say, really? I do. Okay, love to hear them. Let's hear them. All right, I've got three or four, Lon.

Give them to me. Number one, sex is normal. Sex is natural. Lon, sex is environmental. I mean, it's like a green thing.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, dogs do it, monkeys do it, cats do it. And they attach no moral overtones to this thing, no right and wrong to it.

They don't have to worry about love and marriage. So why should we? I mean, like Tina Turner said, what's love got to do with it? This is just an environmental thing that everybody does.

So why do you have to come along and lay all these moral overtones on it? Well, here's the answer. We're not like monkeys. God didn't create us to be like dogs and cats. See, if you believe this, you've bought into a model of the universe that God says is incorrect, an evolutionary model of the universe that says all we are are just higher developed forms of dogs and cats and monkeys.

So why should we do anything different than they do? That's not what God says in the Bible at all. God says that in the image of God, he made us. He never says that about a single creature on the face of the earth except the human beings. And by being made in the image of God, we are distinct. We are different. We are set apart from every other kind of creature on this earth, meaning that we have a spirit that can connect with God in living relationship. No animal has that. It means that we have a conscience that tells us when we have stepped across the moral boundaries that God has set for us as people made in his image. Cats and dogs don't have that. And when it comes to sex, my friends, God has set a moral standard, one that our conscience testifies to and love and marriage and that commitment has everything to do with it. You say, well, I got another one.

OK, what's that? I agree. Love is important. I agree, Lon, but we're in love. So there's nothing wrong with us doing it because we're in love. Well, I have a very simple response to that. If you're in love enough to have sex, then you're in love enough to get married. And if you're not in love enough and if you're not committed enough to get married, then I say to you, you're not in love enough and committed enough yet to have sex.

It's pretty simple. You say, but Lon, we hear it. My next one is this, but we are in love and we're planning to get married. We really are. But we want to sleep together first.

We want to live together first to make sure that we're compatible. I've even had guys say to me before. Guy said to me one time, he said, Well, you know, you try on ski boots before you take them on the slope. How do you feel about that, girls?

This is not about ski boots. This is about a relationship with another human being. Right, ladies? And so I've had many people say to me, very sincere, you know, with all the divorce in the world today, we don't want to end up like that. So we're just making sure that the chemistry is right. We're just making sure that we're a good match and we've got a good shot at making it together, that we're compatible. And once we live together for a while and sleep together for a while and we're sure we're compatible, then we'll feel the odds are better for us to get married.

I got news for you. You put any two sinners under a roof, they will never be compatible because we're all selfish. Compatibility is a myth.

It's a myth of Hollywood. It doesn't exist. There's no such thing. Yeah, there's a such a thing as people getting along and liking each other and being attracted to each other.

But you will never find two human beings that are compatible. I've been married for 24 years. I am a veteran of trench warfare. I have been down there with the mustard gas. I have had all my suit to protect me from the atomic radiation, friends.

I know what it's like to be in the trenches. And I'm telling you, after 24 years of being married, Brenda and I are totally incompatible, completely incompatible. And I have given up all hope that we will ever be compatible.

It's not going to happen. So, well, then how in the world did you guys make it? How have you hung together for 24 years?

Has nothing to do with compatibility. It has to do with commitment. When we got married, we said divorce is not an option.

Jesus Christ and the two of us will work it out, whatever it is. And that's why we're still together 24 years later. Listen, marriages don't work because of some sort of mystical compatibility. Marriages work because you have two people who are committed to each other, who are committed to Jesus Christ and who are committed to working it out regardless of what happens. Forget this foolish notion of compatibility, friends. Besides, living together is not going to make you any have any greater odds of making it. I got an article out of USA Today. It's called Cohabiting Doesn't Secure the Not.

Listen to how the article begins. Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect. In an era when living together is often a prelude to marriage, evidence is mounting that the experience is no guarantee of wedded bliss. In fact, if you live together before marriage, the odds are that you will divorce. Those odds are higher than if you had never shared the toothpaste beforehand.

And here's a quote. Almost all studies show a higher divorce rate for those who cohabit than those who do not. One study shows up to a 50 percent greater chance of divorce of couples that live together. Forget about it. Living together is not going to increase your odds and you are never going to be compatible with the person you marry. So it ain't going to happen anyway.

That's not why marriages stay together. You say, Lon, I got one more quick one. Go ahead. Here's my last one. If I don't sleep with guys, I'll never hold on to anybody. I mean, you don't understand what it's like out there with the kind of pressure that guys put on you out there. Gals, look here a second.

Look at me. I want to tell you something. The kind of guy that you have to sleep with in order to keep is a guy you don't need to hold on to.

You understand what I'm saying to you? I mean, what kind of commitment level can you count on from that kind of guy? What about when you get pregnant and what about when you have a child and you can't have sex for weeks ahead of the birth and weeks after the birth? So what's he going to do then? What's he going to do?

What about when you get sick or maybe you have to have a hysterectomy or you have to have some other kind of surgery or maybe you become injured and you can't have sex? I mean, what's he going to do? Is he going to say, well, I'm sorry, you know, if you can't sleep with me, the thing's over.

I'm out of here. What kind of guy is this? You don't want a guy like this. As a Christian woman, you need to tell that guy to get lost and you need to trust God to lead you to a godly man, a young man of God who will honor what God says about the way to run sex and a relationship.

And you've heard me say it many times, but it deserves to be said again. There are worse things than being single all your life and one of them is to be married to a jerk. You understand? You don't want this guy.

Dump this guy. You say, well, Lon, I hear what you're saying, but give me some good reasons on the positive side. Why should I do it God's way? I mean, why should I respect these moral guidelines that God has given me for a sexual relationship?

Well, let me give you a couple of thoughts. Number one, because you can catch some really nasty stuff if you don't. Some nasty stuff. I mean, there are some nasty stuff out there. I mean, there's sexually transmitted diseases, herpes, for which, by the way, you probably know there is no cure. You'll have it the rest of your life and you'll infect anybody that you have sex with. Not to mention HIV and AIDS.

Let me tell you a second reason why we ought to do it God's way. It's because sex complicates dating relationships. If you're in a dating relationship and you let sex get involved, let me tell you what's going to happen. Not only is it going to make it more complicated, but it's also going to set the stage for you to make a very bad decision and choice, possibly regarding a marriage partner.

You say, well, now how does that connect? Well, listen, once sex gets involved in a relationship, it's harder to evaluate the relationship. Before long, the physical starts taking over and dominating the relationship. And the really important things that you ought to be talking about, the really important things that you ought to be focusing on, like character, like conflict resolution, like communication, like do you share the same values, like what is your walk with God like, like do you know how to handle disagreements. All these things that are central to making a marriage successful, they all go out the window and all you want to do is have sex and you don't even pay attention to these things.

And the result is it's really easy to make a bad decision about a marriage partner because you're not talking about and you're not focusing on the right things. You're focusing on sex and that is not what you ought to be focusing on in a dating relationship. And even if you do decide to break up, man, once sex is involved, it makes it really difficult and really painful and a lot more complicated because there's guilt involved and there's hurt involved and there's embarrassment involved and the two of you end up walking away both feeling like wounded people. I can't tell you how many girls I've had in my office who have said to me in one form or another, you know, if I had not slept with him, this would be a lot easier. If I hadn't had sex with him, I could walk away from this with no problem. But because I slept with the guy, this is just a lot more complicated line than it has to be.

And she's right. You want to keep your dating life less complicated. You want to keep it less painful. You want to keep it less risky of ending up with a bad marriage.

Let me tell you what to do. You keep sex out of it so you can focus and major on the majors. One more final reason why you ought to do it God's way is that premarital sex results in baggage that even if you do get married, you take into the marriage with you. You know, first Corinthians chapter six says this and you don't have to turn there, but here's what it says. It says that every other sin that a person commits is outside of their body, but the person who commits premarital sex or sexual sin of any kind sins against their own body. You say, Lon, what does that mean?

I don't know. I don't know exactly what it means, but I know at least this much. It means that sexual sin is different, more serious than any other kind of sin we commit. More serious than than stealing, more serious than lying, more serious than speeding on the beltway.

It's more serious because it does things to us emotionally and psychologically and spiritually that are much more damaging than the average sin. And that baggage, that damage doesn't go away just because you get married. I've had many, many couples in the 18 years I've been a pastor come into my office and here's the story they tell. They sit down, husband and wife been married six months a year, maybe a little longer. And they say this, they say, you know, Lon, the husband talks, the wife doesn't. He said, before we were married, we had great sex. I mean, we did.

And then we got married and then we got legal and you would think it would have been even better. But he said, he says, I don't know what's happened. All of a sudden it's like she's gotten frigid. I mean, all of a sudden it's like she hates sex. I mean, all of a sudden it's like she can't respond to me anymore. By this time, usually the lady's in tears. And he says, I don't understand what the problem is. And she doesn't either.

I'll tell you what the problem is. The problem is the baggage that those two people brought into marriage together. See, see a woman needs to feel clean and a woman needs to feel right and a woman needs to feel respected in order to give herself properly sexually.

Men were different. All we need to function properly sexually is just a little cleavage and we're good to go. You understand? But women are not that way, guys. And the problem with this woman sitting in my office is very simple. This is a woman who has taken the guilt that she felt about having sex before they got married and she's repressed it. She has stuffed it. And now it's coming back to haunt her. She told herself, well, she knew premarital sex was wrong. She knew it wasn't God's plan, but she stuffed it and said, well, we love each other and we're getting married.

And if we get married, it's really okay. And she just stuffed it down and did it. And now she's married. And now all of a sudden all of this guilt is coming back to haunt her. And you don't get rid of that guilt by stuffing it. You can confess it and you can be forgiven. That works, but you don't get rid of it by stuffing it. And it crops up sometimes in the weirdest places.

One of them is in sexual dysfunction. And now she's sitting around all day thinking as a married woman, how could he do this to me? I mean, I feel used. You know, how can I trust this man to be my spiritual leader? How can I trust him to be the spiritual model for my children? If he didn't respect me enough while we were dating to respect God's standards, then, you know, how can I trust him to ever uphold God's standards and on and on and on? And let me tell you something, you get a woman starting to think like this, you're going to have sexual problems big time. And I tell guys all the time, if you want to have a sex life after you get married, that will blow the street lights out in front of your house.

Let me tell you how to do that. The biggest favor you can do for yourself, pal, is to keep your hands off that woman until you get married. You let her walk down that aisle feeling clean. You let her walk down that aisle feeling right about herself. You let her walk down that aisle feeling pure.

And even after you get married, you treat her with respect and affection and dignity and honor. And I'm telling you, fellas, when you get in bed with her, she will roll you like dice. You don't have a thing to worry about. Trust me.

Now one last thing and I'm done. You say, well, Lon, what if I've already blown it? I mean, what if, you know, the horse is already out the barn, man? I mean, what, you know, what, what do I do then? Well, let me tell you something, ladies and guys, it is never too late to reclaim your integrity.

Never. And the wonderful thing about God is when we come back to God and we confess our sin and we're serious about making a U-turn in some area of our life, the wonderful thing about God is not only does God forgive our sin, He does that. The Bible says He takes our sin and He casts it in the deepest part of the sea.

That's wonderful. But not only does God take our sin away, you know the other wonderful part? God takes the guilt away and makes you feel clean and fresh and new. When I came to Jesus Christ at the age of 21, having had all of that sexual experience, including having murdered my own child, and I laid it all at the foot of the cross and said, God, I want to reclaim my integrity. I'm telling you, God made me feel like a new person, like a virgin all over again. And said, Lon, I'll give you a fresh start.

Now let's do it right this time. And God will do the same thing for you. The Bible says God will make up to you for the years the locusts have eaten. And over the 28 years I've been a Christian, I have watched God do that for me and God will do it for you if you'll just let Him. So if you're here tonight and, you know, you say, Lon, it's too late for me.

It's never too late for you, my friend. Tonight you can start and say, God, I want to make a U-turn in that area of my life tonight. I mean business. And with your help, God, we're starting to live with integrity in this area of our life. If that means I lose my boyfriend, let him go. If it means I lose my girlfriend, let her go.

It doesn't matter. God, it is more important for me to live a life of integrity and be clean and right before you. And if my boyfriend or girlfriend can't handle it or if any future boyfriend or girlfriend can't handle it, that's not the boyfriend or girlfriend for me anyway, if I'm serious about my walk with God. Lord Jesus, I am so grateful that you didn't leave us here on this planet to try to decide the values and the standards that we should have in some of these very potent areas of life, such as sexuality, but that you've given us a clear plan, a clear outline of the moral boundaries that you have for us, the moral boundaries inside of which we will be happy, fulfilled and protected. And Lord, my prayer tonight is that you would speak very strongly to the hearts of each of these young folks who are here, facing enormous pressures to live outside the boundaries you've set. And God, you would give them the strength and the courage, the conviction and the dedication to you that they need to stay in those boundaries. And Lord, for those who've strayed outside and have come back to you tonight and said, God, restore my integrity, take away the guilt. I pray you would do that.

I love the invitation you give us. Come let us reason together, says the Lord. Even though your sins are red as scarlet, you can be white as snow. So Lord, for people who've come to you tonight, wanting to make a U-turn in their life, you make them white as snow. Thank you for that power you have not only to forgive, to cleanse, to heal and to make new. Do that for many people here tonight, I pray, Father, come to you and ask for it. I pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen. You've been listening to So What with Dr. Lon Solomon. So What is an outreach of Lon Solomon Ministries. To listen to today's message or for more information, visit our website, lonsolomonministries.org. Thank you for your support. If you would like to contact us, please visit our website or call us at 866-788-7770. We hope you will join us next time when Lon seeks to answer one of life's most important questions, So What.