Moving Beyond Your Past – 2 of 3

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. Many bear enormous burdens from decisions they desperately wish they could undo. Keeping dark secrets from your mate takes a toll on your mind and heart, and only by coming clean can the past be faced and a happier future enjoyed.

From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, it is indeed a marriage puzzle. With a marriage failure rate exceeding 50%, even among Christians, it seems a lot of people just can't move beyond the past.

And you know Dave, in some instances that past of course is terrible. They were brought up in a home with abuse, with alcoholism, with addictions, and now they are expecting marriage to somehow cure that. They are looking to marriage to give them a sense of identity, a sense of self-worth, when the person whom they are marrying can't carry that heavy load. In other words, we should help one another, but of course many people expect from marriage that which only God is able to give them. That's why I believe that this sermon series is so important, and as you listen today, I want to ask you a question. Would you be willing to help us get messages like this to even more people? Presently, Running to Win is heard around the world, but we even want to expand this ministry. Would you consider becoming an endurance partner? You say, well, not as an endurance partner. Well, immediately following this message, I'll give you more info.

I hope that you have a pen or pencil handy. Meanwhile, listen carefully, as once again we deal with those difficult issues regarding marriage. There are women who have had abortions that their husbands don't know about. There are husbands who have had affairs that their wives don't know about. I read about one woman yesterday who said I could handle it if it were an affair with a woman, but it happens to be with a man. But even for that, there is hope.

Then you have all of those issues. I think, for example, of a man who walks with God, he is pursuing God with all of his heart. He's in fellowship with God. He's well versed in the scripture, but whenever he's asked to do something, would you become an elder? Would you be a Sunday school teacher?

No, no, no, no. He disqualifies himself because nobody knows this. He confessed it to a friend of mine, that he has a child, a boy, growing up in Houston because of a premarital relationship that he had, a fleeting relationship in college. And you see, every time, and his wife doesn't know about it, his kids don't know about it, every time he wants to walk with God, there it is, there it is, there it is, there it is. How can you walk with God?

Look at your past. You have to clear your conscience. And the best way to do that is always with someone, especially if it's a huge issue.

If you were to ask me what is the most memorable counseling experience, if I can put it that way, that I've ever had, I would tell you hands down it was when a wife asked me to sit in with her husband as she confessed to him that their third child was not his. These are tough situations, but you see, she was driven to mental illness, trying to cope with the guilt, trying to live with an unclear conscience. Let me ask you something, man over there, husband, how can you and I love our wives, get it now, when love, the Bible says, springs from a pure heart, a pure heart, and a good conscience? When you've got all this stuff going on on the side over there that she doesn't know about or that he doesn't know about, how can you do it?

You can't. Let's go on to the next point, and that is we are to forgive as we have been forgiven. If you want to, you can take your Bibles at this point and turn to the passage of Scripture in Ephesians. This is actually Ephesians chapter 4. I'm going to begin at verse 29. Verse 29 says of Ephesians chapter 4, let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you are sealed to the day of redemption.

And what grieves the spirit? There it is, let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander be put away with you along with all malice. Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. So if it is true that you and I are supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven, the question is, how does God forgive? How does God forgive? Well first of all, he does forgive big sin.

We all know that. But secondly, when he forgives, when he forgives, the sin is not held against us anymore. Now some of the consequences are there absolutely, but the sin itself is put away. It's covered. The Bible says it is covered. It is cast into the depths of the sea.

It is taken and removed from as far as the east is from the west. So God says that's not going to be an issue between us anymore. You know the sin that you committed, we can still be in fellowship now because I've put it away.

All right, you got it? Now the question is, how do we forgive? Now here's what happens and here's where it's going to get very difficult. If you come to your marriage with a wound and you have never forgiven those who have wronged you and you've never really received God's forgiveness for the sins that you have committed, what you will do is you will not forgive as you've been forgiven. If you want to keep the wound and you don't want to be healed and there are many people out there who don't want to be, what's going to happen is this, you are going to live out of your woundedness. It is going to become your identity. It is going to become who you are.

It is going to become your calling card because you absolutely refuse to forgive, which is the only way that wounds can be healed. Let me give you an example. Rebecca and I know someone, a woman who had two divorces, a number of children, and the way in which she reacted to this, to her woundedness, wounded apparently by her father, some abuse going on there and then of course misused by husbands and all that, it's a long story, but the way in which she did it, now she parents her children out of her wound. So what does she do?

Because the desire of wounded people is to control those around them. The desire is therefore to do that so she overcorrects her children. She overcorrects them. I mean those kids couldn't sniffle without her getting on to them. We're not going to do that in this house. This house is going to, lady, you're parenting out of your wound. See that's why the Bible says beware lest a root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiled. If you forget everything that I've said today and I'm pouring my heart out to you, will you remember that whatever you do not forgive, you pass on. And therefore she passes on her woundedness and her resentment. And now if you were to talk to her and say, you know, lady, you're over correcting these things because because of your wound, you know, you want to control and you don't have a husband to control anymore.

So now you're controlling the children. Would she say, oh, thank you for pointing that out. That was really good. I appreciate that.

No. This has been her identity for 30, 40 years. This is who she is. You can't be with her for 10 or 15 minutes without her telling you about her woundedness. This is who she is. She is her wound. She doesn't see it. You just don't understand the depth of my pain. Now folks, I understand.

I understand it may take years to come over some, but if you're old enough to be married, you're old enough to finally once for all lay it down, but she won't because it is her identity. That's what it's become. Let me give you another example. Many years ago I was preaching in Florida and I don't know what I was preaching on, but a man and I struck up a conversation and he said to me 20 years ago, he said, I had a very brief leading affair and because I'm a Christian, I confessed it to my wife and she professed to forgive me. But, but to this day she still quote rubs my nose in the dirt.

Very interesting. Now I have to ask you a question. When that dear lady goes out with her friends, her girlfriends as the ladies sometimes call it, what do you think she says to them? Does she say, you know, 20 years ago my husband had an affair and it really gave me power. Oh, with it I can win any argument because I can always remind him. In fact, I don't even have to remind him because it's always there.

It's always understood. When he asks me to do something that I don't want to do, I don't have to do it because he knows right well he owes me. As a matter of fact, not only does he owe me then, but let's suppose that he's doing something that I don't like. I can lord it over him. I can control him.

There is nothing that he has done in our marriage that has so empowered me. Is that what she says? Of course not. Now I'm making this up because I don't know the whole circumstances, but I know human nature enough to know that that's probably what's happening.

No, no, no. She says, you know, my husband had an affair 20 years ago and I forgave him, but you know, we're still working through our issues. That's what she would say to them. But actually it's her means of control, control, control, control, control. Now why is it that these people just don't simply give it up?

It is because of loss of control. Think of what would happen. You see, she doesn't have to respect her husband even though the Bible commands her to. Who can respect a man like that? You say, well, do these ladies pray for their husbands? Of course they pray for them. And what I'm saying about the ladies, by the way, can also be said about the man.

You understand that. But of course they do. They're always enlisting God's help to bring about a change in their husbands that they would like to see and that they want God to be their companion in chipping him into the man that he should be. And the wastebaskets in heaven seem to be filled with all kinds of unanswered prayers that the angels take and burn with the trash if there is such a thing in heaven. Because the one thing she will not do, the one thing she will not do is to simply give her husband to God, to trust God for him, to trust that if he is unfaithful or something, God will reveal it to her. God can do that in many different ways. Respect him and speak well of him.

That she will not do. Like one couple it was said of them, oh, they buried the hatchet. But the grave was shallow and well marked. And so they keep going to that grave and I might add, and when you looked at it, you could see a pathway made to it.

Power, power. I've got it over you. So what you need to do is to lay it down. Now if you're thinking with me, and I believe that you are, the next question that you're asking, always be asking questions while I'm preaching. I'm sometimes doing that too while I'm preaching. You heard about the preacher who dreamt he was preaching and then he woke up and found out he was. If you're tracking with me, you have another question and that is to say, okay, all right, you have my number.

How do I lay it down? Well, we've talked about the cleansing of the conscience, which oftentimes should be done with someone else present, a pastoral staff member, an elder, especially in some of these real hard things, some of which I've outlined. But then what you need to do is let me give you some very important steps. First of all, I think that what you need to do is to get over this idea that you don't have to forgive unless you feel like it. I heard a counselor say that one time and I strongly disagree. Of course, you can't forgive right away in the sense that here you have this injustice. If somebody were to rape one of your children to say, oh, well now, you know, he did it this morning, but by evening, you know, we've forgiven.

No, no, no. I understand that it takes time. I understand the healing process. I know that these things aren't just so nicely cut and dried, but there does come a time when you as an adult walking with God choose to put it down, whether you feel like it or not, force yourself to, because it's biblical. The Bible says to forgive others.

Of course, I know that when there's unfaithfulness, there has to be a time, not only a forgiveness, but the rebuilding of trust. I get all that, but talking about you, you dear single mothers, God bless you. God bless the single mothers.

I'm so glad that we have a class for them here at the Moody church. I plead with you, do not parent out of your woundedness. Don't parent out of your woundedness. That little boy that looks so much like the man you are tempted to hate.

Don't hate him, but love him and learn to parent not out of woundedness, but out of wholeness and you can't do it without forgiveness. I'm telling you that what I'm asking you to do today is to like crawling through the eye of a needle. It's that hard, but it has to be done.

There is no way this may be surgery without anesthetic, but you've got to do it. Secondly, don't, by the way, don't ever think that if I forgive somehow it lessens the horror of what was done. That's such a big mistake.

Come to the conclusion that all rational people should come to that the harm, that the bitterness is doing you as much greater than it is the person who victimized you or the person who took advantage of you. And in the name of Jesus, lay it down. In fact, that's what I'd like to say. If the first step is to choose to do it, the second is to simply say, I take a good look at it. I have camped here.

I have lived here. This has been my lifeblood, my woundedness. And in the name of Jesus, I want to pour it out at the foot of the cross because I want my wound to become a scar. Scars are great. Jesus will have a scar in heaven because a scar means that there's been healing. It's a reminder of the fact of where you've been, but a scar means I can move on. I don't have to be dragging this dead body into our marriage and carrying it around year after year.

And so what you do is you take a good look at it. In some instances weep for your past. I mean, if you lost an arm, no problem weeping over that.

Why not weep over a lost childhood if that's what it takes. But then third, be sure that you substitute your own wounds with the wounds of Jesus. The Bible says in the 53rd chapter of Isaiah verse five, it says he was wounded for our transgressions.

He was bruised for our iniquity. The chastisement of our peace was upon him and with his wounds, with his stripes were healed. You say, well, Pastor Lutzer, how does that work?

How does that work? Well, the answer is this, that through the wounds of Jesus, and you remember the beautiful song by Charles Wesley, five bleeding wounds he bears received on Calvary. They pour effectual prayers. They strongly plead for me. Forgive them. Oh, forgive, they cry. Or let that ransom to sinner die.

It is because of the wounds of Jesus. Jesus took what he didn't deserve, namely our sin. You say my husband doesn't deserve forgiveness. Or you say my wife doesn't deserve forgiveness.

That's not the issue. Nobody deserves it. But the Bible says that Jesus died on the cross. So Jesus got what he didn't deserve, our sin. And now we in turn get what we don't deserve, namely his forgiveness and his righteousness as belonging to us.

What a glorious exchange. And Jesus said, now that I can forgive you freely, now that your sin no longer needs to be an issue between you and me, why don't you forgive as you have been forgiven? Begin to live your life through the prism, prism not of your woundedness, but of my woundedness, because ultimately he bore not only our sins, but the Bible says he also bore our sorrows. And there at the foot of the cross, thanking God for what was done for us in Jesus, we discovered that if Jesus was willing to do that for us when we were yet enemies, Christ died for us.

Why can't I exercise the same grace to somebody who has victimized me? His wounds were not self-inflicted. His wounds were inflicted by evil men. And out of those wounds, scars developed, which we're going to see in heaven, because it says I saw as it were a lamb that had been slain. I expect in heaven to see the wounds of Jesus, but there'll be not wounds, I should clarify that, but scars.

And you'll be there too, maybe with your scars, but the wounds will be gone. From my heart to yours today, if there is abuse in your marriage, please go for help. There's no reason why you should put up with abuse.

It's harmful, very hurtful. I remember when I was a very young pastor, how a woman came to me and she explained what her husband was doing. And she said, I can endure it even if he kills me, but it is doing a great deal of harm to our young son. She needed to separate from her husband. She needed help. And we at the church did all that we could to give her the kind of help that she needed.

You go for help and don't feel ashamed if you have to do that. Now we here at Running to Win exist because of people just like you who are committed to this ministry. Would you consider becoming an endurance partner?

And that's someone who stands with us regularly with their prayers and their gifts. I hope that you have a pen or pencil handy. Here's what you can do to receive more info. Go to rtwoffer.com.

That's rtwoffer.com. And when you're there, you just click on the endurance partner button, or you can phone us at 1-888-218-9337. We need people just like you helping us get the gospel around the world.

Once again, go to rtwoffer.com, click on the endurance partner button. It's time now for another chance for you to ask Pastor Lutzer a question about the Bible or the Christian life. All is not sweetness and light on the staff of a church. Listen to the true story of this anonymous pastor.

He says, I'm a pastor, and I've had two staff situations that ended badly. I truly believe that my part in the conflicts might be five percent versus their 90 or 95 percent. But the only way we can be reconciled is if I were to say it was all my fault. Anything less would be rejected.

What's your recommendation? Well, Pastor, I'm going to speak plainly to you and say I don't think that you should say to these staff members, it was all my fault, if in point of fact you don't think that that is true. I don't know you, I don't know your situation, but if you think that your responsibility is five percent and theirs is ninety-five, even if you're wrong and yours is twenty-five percent and theirs is seventy-five or fifty-fifty, I don't think that you necessarily owe them that kind of an apology, especially if you know in your heart that it isn't true that it was all your fault. So what you need to do is to recognize that there are some things in this life that will never be straightened out.

I think from your question, I am suspecting that these staff members have moved on, and they go in one direction, and you go in the other direction, and you simply recognize that sometimes situations in life are like a shoe that is unlaced. It's simply not tied up. The issue isn't resolved. And the judgment seat of Jesus Christ is going to have to resolve these kinds of issues that we can't resolve here on earth. And by the way, it will be resolved there. As for your staff members, there may be opportunity for you to try to help them see that they had responsibility in this.

Apparently you've done that, and it hasn't been well received. So sometimes we just need to recognize that in this life, reconciliation isn't possible. And by the way, that's a larger principle that I sometimes tell people. There are those who bend over backwards trying to reconcile with people, and the people that they want to reconcile with don't see any of their need and their blame in this.

It's always all of somebody else's fault. What are you going to do? If possible, leave it for God to sort out. I'm wise counsel once again from Dr. Erwin Lutzer. Thank you, Pastor Lutzer. If you'd like to hear your question answered, go to our website at rtwoffer.com and click on Ask Pastor Lutzer, or call us at 1-888-218-9337.

That's 1-888-218-9337. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, IL 60614. Running to Win comes to you from the Moody Church in Chicago. Next time, learning how to let go of bitterness and let God handle the memories that may haunt you. Don't miss our next program. Thanks for listening. For Pastor Erwin Lutzer, this is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.