How Can I Know How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt Me? – Part 2

Hey, podcast listeners! Thanks for streaming today's podcast, From Pathway to Victory. Pathway to Victory is a nonprofit ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Dr. Robert Jeffress. Our mission is to pierce the darkness with the light of God's word through the most effective media available, like this podcast. To support Pathway to Victory, go to ptv.org slash donate or follow the link in our show notes. Now, here's today's podcast, From Pathway to Victory. God's Word with you every day on this Bible teaching program. On today's edition of Pathway to Victory, we're in a series right now entitled, How Can I Know? Answers to Life's Seven Most Important Questions.

And today we've come to the most practical of the questions we've looked at so far. And that is how can I know how to forgive someone who has hurt me? Welcome to Pathway to Victory with author and pastor Dr. Robert Jeffress. As Christians, we know that we're called to forgive, no matter the offense. But after we've been deeply wounded, forgiveness becomes much easier said than done. Well, no decision in life is more difficult or more essential than the choice to forgive. And today on Pathway to Victory, Dr. Robert Jeffress shows us how to let go of past offenses. Now, here's our Bible teacher to introduce today's message.

Dr. Jeffress. Forgiveness is one of the most difficult actions in life. When someone we love violates our trust, the emotional pain can crush our spirit. Look, letting someone off the hook for a personal offense is hard. When we're pulling the arrow out of our heart, it's challenging to grant amnesty to someone who's wounded us.

I like the way C.S. Lewis put it. He said, forgiveness is a beautiful word until you have someone to forgive. Well, in a moment, we'll resume our study on this relevant topic. But first, I'm inviting you to contact Pathway to Victory today because I'm prepared to send you the full length book that complements our teaching series. The book is titled How Can I Know? Answers to Life's Seven Most Important Questions. One of the chapters addresses this pressing question of forgiveness.

Plus, if you have a son or daughter in high school or college, they're bombarded with liberalism in the classroom. And this book will help answer their pertinent questions such as, how can I know the Bible is true? And how can I know that Christianity is the right religion? The book is also perfectly suited for the new believer, or anyone who's wrestling with deep conflicts that keep them from walking side by side with God.

More about my book and other resources later. But right now, it's time to continue our study titled How Can I Know How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt Me? Researchers have discovered there are practical benefits to choosing to forgive.

For example, there are physical benefits. There are health benefits to forgiving. There are emotional benefits of forgiving. But the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness pale in comparison to the spiritual benefits of forgiveness.

Jesus said it very matter-of-factly, very forcefully in Matthew 6, verses 14 to 15. He said, for if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. Forgiveness is the obligation of those who have been forgiven.

It's important for our physical, emotional, and our spiritual well-being. So then, why do people have trouble forgiving? If we know it's good for us, both now and for eternity, why do we have trouble forgiving others? 25 years ago, I wrote my book that's still in print now, When Forgiveness Doesn't Make Sense.

And when I began the research for that book, I partnered with the George Barna Research Company. And we did a nationwide survey on people's attitude about forgiveness, both Christians and non-Christians. And we found that Christians have a very unbiblical view of forgiveness.

They didn't understand what it was and what it wasn't. And that keeps them from being able to experience the benefits of forgiveness. For example, forgiveness is not ignoring or rationalizing offenses. One reason people find it difficult to forgive is they think, well, isn't that diminishing the seriousness of what was done to me? Isn't that rationalizing it?

Not at all. In fact, just the opposite. Remember this, you can only forgive people you're willing to blame. Forgiveness is not about rationalizing. It's not about diminishing the reality of your suffering. And secondly, forgiveness is not surrendering our desire for justice.

It's not surrendering our desire for justice. I remember in my former church, there was a father whose daughter was brutally murdered. The killer was apprehended. He was facing trial and the DA wanted the father to testify about the pain he and his wife had experienced and so forth. And the father came to me and said, you know, pastor, I'm just not sure I ought to testify. I'm trying to forgive this man. And if I testify against him, isn't that meaning I don't forgive him? And I shared with him the difference between vengeance and justice. Vengeance is my desire to hurt somebody else for hurting me. And the Bible says, we're to give up our desire for vengeance. Romans 12, 19, never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God. For it is written, vengeance is mine.

I will repay, says the Lord. We're to give up our desire to settle the score, to hurt others for hurting us, but we can never give up our desire for justice. We don't want to give up justice. We're created in the image of a just God. The reason this is important to understand is a lot of people don't forgive because they think, well, if I forgive, I'm surrendering my desire for justice.

No, not at all. Thirdly, forgiveness is not forgetting offenses. If I forgive somebody, some people think that means I have to forget what they did and I just can't forget.

Hey, remember this, forgetting is a biological function. Forgiving is a spiritual function. We can forgive without ever forgetting. You say, wait a minute, isn't there a verse somewhere in the Bible that says when God forgives, he forgets?

Yes, Jeremiah 31, 34. For I will forgive their iniquity and their sin, I will remember no more. What is God saying? Is he saying when he forgives us, he develops a case of holy amnesia and can't remember what we did any longer?

No, of course not. He's omniscient. He remembers and knows everything. It's saying, God is saying he no longer holds our sin against us. He no longer holds our sin against us.

Why? It's not because he's overlooked our sin. A lot of people think, well, God forgiving means he just plays like it never happened.

He overlooks it. A holy God cannot do that. The Old Testament says God cannot overlook the sins of the unrighteous. No, what God does to our sin is he marks our sin paid in full.

That's exactly what happened on the cross of Jesus Christ. Remember Paul's words in Colossians 2, verses 13 and 14. God, having forgiven us of all of our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which were hostile to us, he has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. Look, God is holy.

He is just. He cannot overlook sin. Somebody has to pay for my sin, and that someone who's paid is Jesus Christ. In Paul's day, if you were put into prison, above your prison cell was listed a certificate of debt showing the offenses you committed that landed you in prison. We have a certificate of debt, things we have done deserving of God's punishment. But when we trust in Jesus to be our savior, the Bible says God takes that certificate of debt that lists all of our offenses. And what did God do with it? He nailed it to the cross of Jesus Christ. Remember what Jesus said in the cross. It is finished.

Literally, tetelestai in Greek, paid in full. No, forgiveness is not about forgetting. We can't forget. Fourth, forgiveness is not about reconciling with other people.

And this is what trips a lot of people up. They think forgiveness always results in reconciliation. And if I have to be reconciled to that numbskull, I am not going to forgive them.

I mean, seriously. Here's a woman who's being physically abused by her husband. And rightly, she moves out of the house to protect herself or her children. And she hears some pastor talking about forgiveness. And she thinks, I can forgive him, but does that mean I have to move back into the house and threaten my own life or the life of my children?

You can understand why she would be reluctant to do that. But forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness has no strings attached to it. Reconciliation has a number of strings attached to it. For example, I mean, if I were going to be reconciled with somebody, if I were that woman, to be reconciled with her husband, she'd want to see repentance. Reconciliation demands repentance. You can forgive people who never repent of what they've done, but you can't be reconciled with them. Amos 3, verse 3 says, how can two people walk together lest they be agreed?

I mean, if the husband says, I have every right to hit you, and the wife says, no, you really don't. I mean, that's a disagreement. There's no way to reconcile that. There has to be repentance. Secondly, there has to be rehabilitation many times. There has to be change in our offender before we're reconciled with them. Second Corinthians 7, verse 10 says, for the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret. If that husband says, I'm truly sorry, then he's going to have a change of mind. That's what repent means, metanoeo, a change of mind that leads to a change of direction.

He's going to be willing to go to counseling or to rehab or whatever he needs to change. There has to be change before there's reconciliation. And thirdly, there has to be restitution. I mean, if somebody cheats you out of $100,000 in a business deal, you may be able to forgive them, but you'll never go back into business with them until they repay the $100,000.

There has to be restitution. In summary, remember these differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness has no conditions. Reconciliation has several conditions. Secondly, forgiveness can be offered to those who never admit they're wrong. Reconciliation can be offered only to those who admit they're wrong. Thirdly, forgiveness depends upon me, but reconciliation depends upon us. Well, you've talked about what forgiveness isn't.

What is authentic forgiveness? I grew up hearing my parents argue occasionally. Did you ever have parents who argued? And a source of argument with my parents was money.

Have you ever noticed in a marriage there's usually a spender and a saver, and they get unequally yoked together sometimes, and there's friction. And I remember hearing my dad say to my mom, if you keep on spending, you're going to spend us into the poorhouse. Now, I remember as a little boy wondering what a poorhouse was. I'd never seen a poorhouse.

I couldn't imagine what it was like, but I sure knew I never wanted to go there to a poorhouse. Well, what a poorhouse was, what my dad was alluding to, was something that existed hundreds of years before called the debtor's prison. There was a time in our country's history that if you couldn't pay your bills, you went to prison. Now, it really didn't make a lot of sense to go to a debtor's prison, because a person who goes to a debtor prison, he can't earn any money in the prison, so he ends up dying there. He can't support his family while he's in prison, so they starve, and if that's not enough, the person who holds the debt goes unpaid because there's no money to give to him. That is, I think, an unspoken motivation for why that king forgave that $16 billion debt. Why not have that slave thrown into debtor's prison? Because he knew he had an account receivable that was worthless. He knew that that slave could never pay him the $16 billion, and if he threw him into prison, he would never be able to repay him.

So, what did he do? Again, verse 27 of Matthew 18 says, The lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him of the debt. And there you see the three components of authentic forgiveness.

Quickly, genuine forgiveness acknowledges the offense. Notice twice in this parable, you hear the word owed. The slave owed the king.

The second slave owed the first slave. This wasn't an imaginary debt. This was a very real debt that was owed. Remember, you can't forgive those you're not willing to blame. Secondly, genuine forgiveness calculates the debt.

It not only acknowledges the debt, it calculates the debt. Before we can forgive somebody, we need to know exactly what we're forgiving them of. For example, Joseph said to his brothers, Come near and do not fear.

Why did he say don't fear? Because they had every right to fear. They deserved to lose their life over what had happened. The same way with your offender. Determine what they owe for what they've done to you. They might deserve divorce. They might deserve prison.

They may deserve even death. But you can't forgive a debt until you calculate what that debt is. In Jesus' parable, it was a specific debt.

Ten thousand talents. One hundred in their eye. Figure out what the person owes you before you forgive them. Genuine forgiveness calculates the debt. And thirdly, genuine forgiveness releases our debtor to God. Remember that first slave? He found the guy who owed him $16, and what did he do?

He grabbed him, choked him, and would not let him go. Here's another picture of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness refuses to let go.

It holds on to the offense. It holds on to our offender until they pay us what is owed to us, we think. We want to hear I'm sorry, and yet those words seem hollow when we hear them. We want some amount of money or we want some jail time, but when you think about it, what payment could our offender make to ever repay a reputation ruined by slander or a marriage destroyed by infidelity? Sometimes we don't realize how incapable our offender is to making any kind of restitution that will take away the hurt we feel.

Genuine forgiveness releases the debtor to God. When that first slave refused to forgive, remember what the king did? He threw him into prison, not to give his money back, but his punishment.

He threw him into prison where he was tortured day and night forever and ever. Prison is a good, good metaphor for what an unforgiving person lives with. When you refuse to forgive another person, you refuse to let go, you are forced to experience that hurt over and over and over again. Go back to that rattlesnake for a moment.

That rattlesnake you hold on to and bite you, maybe you let it go. What sane person would go and pick it up again and allow it to strike you over and over again? But that's exactly what the person does who refuses to forgive. We transfer to God the right to get even. God is so much better than we are of collecting the debts owed to us.

God knows exactly how much pressure to put on the other person, how much punishment to exact, and he always does it with a goal of restoration of the other person. You know, the question I'm asked most often about forgiveness is this. Can I forgive somebody who never says, I'm sorry, who never asks for my forgiveness? And the answer is yes.

Not only can you, you must. Jesus said in Mark 11 25, whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone so that your Father who is in heaven might forgive you of your transgressions. Now, some people get this mixed up with Jesus' words in Matthew 6, another passage, in which he says if you're worshiping and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your sacrifice, leave the worship service, go out and be reconciled to your brother.

But that's not the case he's talking about in Mark 11. He's saying you're singing a hymn in church or you're listening to the pastor talk about forgiveness and you suddenly remember you've got something against somebody else. What are you supposed to do? You don't walk out of the church.

Right there in your pew, you let go of it. You forgive your brother or sister. You don't have to have a conversation with them. You don't have to confront them. They may be not even living close by.

They could be in another city, state, country, or they may be in the cemetery. But you don't need them. You can unilaterally forgive. Why should I do that? Because of the consequences of not forgiving.

You will never be free from that hurt until you separate yourself from it. You often think of the analogy of a three-legged race. Have you ever been to one of those old-fashioned picnics and seen the three-legged race? You voluntarily tie your leg to the leg of your partner and together you hobble toward the finish line and people laugh because it's so ludicrous. And if you've ever done one of those three-legged races, you've probably had the same sensation I have. You know, if only I could get free from this idiot, I could go a lot faster and win the contest.

But you see, three-legged races don't allow for solo contenders. You can never travel any faster or farther than the person you are bound to. When you refuse to forgive somebody, you're emotionally bound to that other person.

You can go no farther or faster in life than he or she is willing to go. When you make your forgiveness dependent on what they do. But forgiveness is the way we separate ourselves from our offender. It's a way that we say, God, what this person did to me was wrong.

They deserve to pay for it. You deal with it. I'm letting go so I can be free to get on with my life. Lewis Meade said it best, when we forgive, we set a prisoner free, and the prisoner we set free is us. There may be some of you listening or watching who would say, I just can't forgive this.

I can't forgive it. It may be because you've never experienced God's forgiveness in your life. Your most pressing need right now may be to receive God's forgiveness. Only when you understand your need for forgiveness will you be willing to forgive others. And today, if you would like to receive God's forgiveness in your life, you can do that by right now trusting in Jesus Christ to be your Savior. But I have a feeling I'm talking to many of you here today or watching or listening, who from the moment I started talking about forgiveness, a name came to your mind, a picture, an image of somebody who has hurt you and hurt you deeply. The most important decision you could make today would be the decision to forgive. And I want to lead you in a prayer right now that you might pray in your heart to God to release your offender of their offense toward you. You might say something like, Dear God, you know how much, and go ahead and mention the person's name, how much they have hurt me.

You know how this has affected my life for such a long time. But today I'm choosing to forgive, and mention the other person's name again, I'm choosing to forgive them not because they've asked to be forgiven, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but today I'm forgiving them because of the forgiveness you've offered me. And I pray that any time their name comes to mind in the future, you would remind me of that decision I've made today, the decision to forgive. And I pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen. How can I know? As I mentioned earlier, we'd like to send you a copy of my bestselling book by the same title. It's yours when you give a generous gift to support Pathway to Victory. In my book, I tackle common questions like, How can I know the Bible is true?

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I needed to hear in that moment that Jesus is the only way to salvation. Your generous gift to Pathway to Victory helps us reach students and listeners just like this one all across America and around the world. Together, we are piercing the darkness with the light of God's word.

David. Thanks, Dr. Jeffress. When you give your first monthly gift as a Pathway partner, or when you give a one-time gift to support Pathway to Victory, we'll say thanks by sending you How Can I Know? That's the bestselling book written by Dr. Jeffress. Call us at 866-999-2965 or give online at ptv.org. And when your gift is $75 or more, you'll receive not only the book, but also the complete collection of audio and video discs for the newly updated How Can I Know?

teaching series. One more time our phone number, 866-999-2965 or give online at ptv.org. You could write to us if you'd like. Here's that mailing address. P.O. Box 223-609, Dallas, Texas, 75222. Again, that's P.O.

Box 223-609, Dallas, Texas, 75222. I'm David J. Mullins. As much as we try to avoid it, everybody makes mistakes.

Is there any way to recover after committing a serious offense? Join us for the message How Can I Know How to Start Over When I've Blown It? That's Wednesday on Pathway to Victory. Pathway to Victory with Dr. Robert Jeffress comes from the pulpit of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, Texas. The Pathway to Victory Journeys of Paul Mediterranean Cruise sets sail from Rome May 5th through 16th, 2025. Join me on this trip of a lifetime. I'll be teaching from God's Word, and you'll have plenty of time to take in the beauty of Greece, Italy, and Turkey. Experience an 11-day spiritual journey like no other while enjoying world-class accommodations aboard the Celebrity Ascent, a new luxury cruise ship.

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