Forgiving My Worthless Father

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We are back with a brand new season. Now Life as a Gringo speaks to Latinos who are born or raised here in the States. It's about educating and breaking those generational curses that men have been holding us back for far too long.

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Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This is Kevin Costner, and if you're an avid traveler like me, you've got to download my new app, Auteo. That's audio with a T. A-U-T-I-O. Enjoy a new way of traveling with stories activated by your location. So when you're driving through a new town, discovering a national park, or just curious about the origin of your city's name, you can listen to a quick three to five minute story covering our history from the first peoples to famous places and insights only locals would know. Music This is Lee Habib, and this is Our American Stories. And we tell all kinds of stories here on our show, including yours.

Send them to OurAmericanStories.com. And today we have author Leslie Leland-Fields. She lives in Alaska's Kodiak Island, an island community of 15,000. She's written numerous books. You can learn more about her work at LeslieLelandFields.com. This piece she's sharing with us today is titled, For Giving My Worthless Father.

Here's Leslie. I never called my father worthless. That was his own word for himself.

I had other words to describe him, but in a way he was right. He said it on the phone after I told him I was flying down to see him from my home in Alaska to the rehab facility in Florida. My sister had flown down already and was there with him now.

Other siblings were coming later. He had had a stroke the week before and now could barely speak. I'll see you in about three weeks, I said, trying to make my voice cheerful on the phone to lift him from his misery. I'm not worth, he stumbled. Of course you're worth it, I protested, horrified. But I knew instantly what he meant in the human balances of justice and fairness. He had done nothing to deserve this kind of sacrifice and attention from his children. He could not or would not hold a job, leaving us deeply impoverished and ashamed throughout our childhood. He seemed incapable of forming relationships and treated his children as though we were invisible, except for the sexual abuse visited upon some of us. Soon after we grew up and left our house, he moved to Florida to live alone thousands of miles from his children.

I was glad. I saw my father three times in the next 30 years, always me traveling thousands of miles to see him. I went each time needy and hopeful that he would somehow express interest in me, show some kind of affirmation. I left each time hurt, hollow. He would barely speak to me, and when he did, he ridiculed my faith.

The last time I saw him, I resolved never to go back. But eight years later, I was gently pushing his wheelchair down the hallway, sharing meals with him, watching TV in his room, reading to him. In all of it, I could not shake the injustice and inequity that every gift and kindness given, he had never shown to me, ever. But something else was even stronger, a desire to forgive. I remembered what I believed, that God had released me from my debts against him, and I knew he required me to do the same for those who owed me.

We are to forgive as we have been forgiven. Could I not extend the freedom I had been given to him? I began to try, moving slowly from what C.S. Lewis calls need love to gift love, looking past my blinding needs as a daughter to see the pain in his life. Had anyone loved him?

How might I have hurt him? After that visit, I knew I would return. I began praying for him, calling and sending gifts and letters. I realized it was not justice or equity I wanted most of all, but relief. Often we think the cost of forgiving is too high, but we do not consider the cost of not forgiving. I found relief in releasing his debts against me, especially as I realized my father could not pay what he owed me.

Nor can many parents. I found the yoke of forgiveness, then, lighter than the yoke of hurt and hate. I found the yoke of caring for him easier than the burden of abandoning him. And love came back.

Yes, in small doses. He called me amazing one day. He phoned on my birthday.

When I came to visit, he didn't want me to leave. All of this was new. All of this broke my newfound heart. Forgiving my father has changed me. The broken and bitter parts of me are healing. One forgiveness has led to others and to my own apologies from those I know I have hurt.

I am moving toward the person I hope to be. My father was touched as well. The last two years of his life, my worthless father was surrounded and blessed by the very ones he had harmed.

I believe he felt loved, perhaps for the first time. We cannot heal all the broken families of the world. But we can begin here with ourselves and our own families. With God's forgiveness and love, anything is possible. And a special thanks to Leslie Leland Fields and thanks to Faith for her great work, as always, on these segments.

I am moving towards the person I hope to be, Leslie said. My worthless father was surrounded and blessed by the very ones he harmed. We can begin here, she said, about changing and bettering one's life with our own families. And again, the power of forgiveness. Well, we know how strong it is. We've done so many stories about forgiveness.

And when you throw in that faith component, oh, it just it turns into even something else. Leslie Leland Fields, her story, also her father's story and her family's story here on Our American Story. Lee Habib here, the host of Our American Stories. Every day on this show, we're bringing inspiring stories from across this great country, stories from our big cities and small towns.

But we truly can't do this show without you. Our stories are free to listen to, but they're not free to make. If you love what you hear, go to OurAmericanStories.com and click the donate button. Give a little, give a lot.

Go to OurAmericanStories.com and give. Buying a home, Rocket Mortgage will cover one percent of your rate for the first year at no cost to you with Inflation Buster. That's more game days, more family gatherings. Plus, if rates drop within three years of your home purchase, you'll get exclusive savings when you refinance with rate drop advantage. Save when you buy today and refinance tomorrow. Call 8337-ROCKET today or visit InflationBuster.com to start saving.

For fees covered, rate like date, requirements and other terms and conditions, visit InflationBuster.com or call 1-833-ROCKET. This is Kevin Costner. And if you're an avid traveler like me, you've got to download my new app, Auteo. That's audio with a T. A-U-T-I-O. Enjoy a new way of traveling with stories activated by your location.

So when you're driving through a new town, discovering a national park or just curious about the origin of your city's name, you can listen to a quick three to five minute story covering our history from the first peoples to famous places and insights only locals would know. Looking forward to spring break, graduation and girls' nights out? Get outfitted today at Lulu's. Lulu's is all about providing on-trend looks for any occasion, whether it's a current trend or a closet staple, you can find it at Lulu's. And when you make an account with Lulu's, use code LULUSFAN20 to save 20 percent off your first order. That's Lulu's Fan 20. Place your order today at Lulu's dot com. Terms and conditions apply. See Lulu's dot com for details.