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April 18, 2021 4:00 pm
Welcome to Man Talk, with your Hosts Will Hardy and Roy Jones Jr. The conversation about domestic abuse continues. Man Talk welcomes Patty Sorrells, executive director of Next Step Ministries back to the show.
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Enjoy it, share it, but most of all, thank you for listening and choosing The Truth Podcast Network this is Truth Network welcome to man talk brought you by T8 W CM is talking and walking Christian men's ministry where they are devoted to breaking down the walls of race, age, challenging, and to take their God assigned as our host will Hardy and Roy Jones Junior, a black guy and a white well we are so glad domestic violence, abuse, and the crisis. If you look at the time where the road is where you came up with the title so they important subject, is that that we wanted more information out to use the listening audience and also to help you identify some of the signals, and then you often times wonder what we do to help someone when in the middle of this type of situation Patty it's good to have you back with thanks for inviting me back. He let me come back and realize that Lashley had a lot left to say is you give me will always fly Classe likewise likewise so this in this show listener. We want to concentrate on the abuser and so when we left last week show. We were talking about those who were abuse. Now we're going to turn the tables a bit and talk about the abuser. So Patty is going to share some that my only experiences and maybe some testimonials, but also what what does a abuser. What will they think about what leads up to the abuse. When you listen to some of the women who were coming into the center were sharing their story with you. The crisis line. You know what are some of those things. And because we might have a listener out there who might be going through this and so we at the end of the show we going to tell you where you can go perhaps to get some assistance in, or if you want to call that the crisis hotline so share with us a bit. Patty, if you will sell. I like to start with. What are some of the myth that people have about light on abuser is like silly off course.
I think we talked last time about me think it's somebody who's on already a criminal is just a violent person like people think he's fine as long he's not drinking or doing drugs will what we've learned through the years is that the alcohol or the substance abuse if that's involved okay or seems to be involved really isn't the problem.
It's just like with others you know they get loose and they decide they have no filter and so what's already inside comes out so it's never because they are Dragon users are alcohol users. That's makes it worse exacerbates the situation on and we think that they don't come from no middle class or upper class places, but they do and I think I would see no people who are on the other side of the tracks or something that was years ago and we've we've we know it crosses all socioeconomic lateral all ethnicities exactly. It really comes down to its pattern of behavior. It's an ACL is a spiritual issue so I've also heard people people say well it's in the condition of their heart if they would just give their heart to the Lord now just that way there.
Otherwise we wouldn't have the issues that so really what it boils down to is where where do they come from in their mind and so always we have to look back to childhood to see where things may be started there.
Not all abusers do come from abusive homes. However, they have a need and it's an unmet need have a very low self-esteem. Yet he would not know that some of them are so cocky and confident sometimes anything got together.
Or, you know, there's a strong now and said they're looking for that object to make them feel better and the only way they feel better is if they control it and set starts to escalate from that point on and so people who thought they have to control other human beings is where that you know comes from and they often times struggle with stuff so I worked with abusers for a while and did abuser treatment programs, and so is very interesting where they came from and know how they believe that it was all okay what they were dealing really so I will tell you this, even if they were not active Christians.
People profess to be Christian really know that she walking to address right away and you know if you've lived in the South.
It's the Bible Belt. Everybody knew who God and Jesus was and I just didn't want to live it and getting a right before the days I died again to get saved right now working south here and said, often times they would use that as I'm the king of my castle. My family is my property, and God said that it is so we heard that from a lot of men well because that was their way to justify their entitlement and that is the mentality and the title was to treat the walls in the order children anywhere they wanted.
Yes, so there's children in the home. They will sometimes abuse children but not always. Okay say I have a really interesting story about a visa shape. So we were trying to figure out what some of the best ways because getting to these guys because there's not a lot of some curriculums out there, but these guys are court ordered and when come to see them and it was a male and a female cofacilitator base had a mental health counseling background and so I love the whiteboard.
Everything is about a process if you can get people to journey with you in a process in get them to point B inside that will do this. I put up on the board and having to have children they raise MEF boys raise their hands. Give me their names and write the names you guys have girls never write their names down now and be the treatment program. These very graphic language and so I had to learn how to repeat that language. I, want to wash my mouth but I would have to repeat it to them right now and so I said so to take Johnny over here and he's now 18, 20 and working to marry him to Susie over here and sees is now 18 or 20 and he gets to beat her and I just went through all the things the daddy of the daughter didn't think that was a really good idea and he would get angry and unlike nobody said females are like this.
I have a list of hear what you said females are but now she is to emanate and there was always a lightbulb, a portion of the ram that would go off and I would get that time that was that was something that they were raised to believe that women needed to be this that or the other and in their place and so when we start talking about children changed a little bit you have a high percentage or do you express a high percentage of these will start with the ladies that are there in the center of the day grow up. Do you measure this UBS is questions to the group without a father in the home or if they did that would say there's a vacancy there right so they had a void in their life that may have them in position to be the recipient or allow this type of treatment to be given to them treated that way and the only other side.
If the how to follow home was the father abusive is transcended into them as an adult, look what we talked about Lasher but, what they expected mayors to be about the causes with the soul yet we don't track that percentage because it's not a question that's beneficial to getting them through the trauma that becomes what happens if used if they stay in a support group when they go to a counselor and then you can kinda get to the core group when they come to us there there in an emergency and in trauma state of mind were not usually asking that question, but it does come up and I can tell you in my my counseling years that I would say probably either the father not in the home or the father participating in an abuser.
You know that that percentage is probably pretty high as one of the other that goes back to earlier conversations, the importance of heavenly godly men, the family, not the family and been present in the home will look with many ratios. Yet in it and it takes it takes a person who really wants to make change, but see if you there is there is a point in which the individual go you know in in their abuse and if if you speak to them biblical things just won't register it just simply will not register it. So it's like they taken Marvin and they turn it off. So there are steps like petty mention that you have to take but you have to understand where they are because you don't want to give them anything above because they won't.
That will be able to register with them because that's not where they are] you have. You have to bring it down to their level of understanding.
I think this is where in Proverbs chapter 19 and I believe this verse 20, 21, it speaks about an individual who wants to listen to wise counsel. If you do this, it's going to stay with you for latter days, not Sopranos that's a godly palms but again in a crisis situation you that that don't mean anything to your course so yeah I thought was very interesting in the four years that I did a visa treatment programs are talking that when they come from. There were two particular individuals one who had a lot of respect for them.
Alexander pray about doing that to you because I work with victims for so long and and and is a female. You know I had to be ready for whatever came my way and have some Tests Cannot Strum Back and Be Strong in Your Faith to Be Able to Get Aside, Pray about It Beforehand and Anyway on Trapping One of the Best Experiences I've Ever Had Was Working with the Abusers Because It Really Confirmed That We Arty I Just Thought I Wasn't Sure What It Would Do. There Were Two Men in Particular and One after I We Been His Path of the Treatment He Came to Maine. He Said I Really Don't Need to Be in Here.
I'm in the Rhymes I Do Not Need to Be in a Group and I Said Okay. How Can I Help You While You Know I'm Only 546 Two Whatever Bigeye and Not He Could've Easily Intimidated Me That He Did Not.
He Was Very, Very Respectful and He Said I Have Gotten through the Cracks of the Court to Get Here and He Said You Need to Know That I'm a Homicidal Person and He Said If You Guys Don't Have It You Need to Get My Records for My Psychologists Have No Business Being in This Treatment Program. It Was Just for People to Try to Change and down. Sure Enough We Got the Records and He Was Homicidal Home Percent in the Second Guy Had Gotten Out Of the Penitentiary for Several Rates for 15 Years and Landed in My Great Authority Due To Personal This, but the Court Program. We Try to Help Them Find the Right Program Just for This Little Piece of so Everybody's Got to Give Them a Chance to Really Rock Bottom Will Come Back to Let Her Just a Moment Think George Will Be Back in Just Use CM and Would Love to Have You Join Their Community of Men for Breakfast Every First and Third Friday of Every Month, Bible Discussions and Fellowship at the Best Breakfast in Town Meeting Location Is at Their Voracious Poster First Christian Church in 1130 N. Main St. encouraged him a hard start at 7 o'clock from a hard stop for the first time visitors eat for free.
Join your host will party Roy Jones Junior, a black guy in a white guy affordable chiropractic in High Point as you like. Tell from their name affordable even for the castration. Dr. Jeff Ricky has been caring for patients in High Point for 34 years, physical therapy, such as ultrasound and spinal decompression for distributions such as herniation conference of care for auto accident injury patients with no out-of-pocket expense. Remember, affordable chiropractic on the W. Lexington Ave. in High Point Hall 336 85, 1987 back to man talk real weird here talking with Patty and she is giving us some stream insight on the I'm learning a lot about you but I'm learning a lot here because this is a subject matter that's really really sensitive to my heart.
I know we've talked about, you know women who like kidnapped and brought overseas and the sexual slave trade. Things like that but this is sort of like nearer, if you will to to the heart because it's going all the time is going on every day at every level and at you know individuals who are our white-collar blue-collar no collar at all. If you will, you know, and so we are talking about some of these issues and we just want to get the listener get them some help, but we will continue talking about the point Roy that you brought up right right at the break on what is it that an individual does what will he do you know want you you coming to a situation with the abuser you know in this abuser is warning control and and I want to share a little story to it.
I'm sure Mr. Patty of her.
This one, but I had an individual one time who came in and he worked at a very low level position in his company and people were always telling him what to do you come in and he here this all of the time you can't do anything right you want to remain in this position all the time.
So when he went home.
The strengths in this room it transit into his family. So it was like okay I may not have control here, and may not be able to tell you what to do because I'm at this level, but I'm going to tell this wife in these children what to do and if they don't do it, then I'm going to take that that step so you know that that is something that occurs a lot because in an individual again.
They want to show that power and control.
Absolutely that's a good example and that's an example of the masses when were not getting good care in our jobs and were not getting good care in our spiritual walk in. We don't have peace and we have unrest you know any of us at stress levels that are just enough of us think about Kevin exactly right exactly say there's been a question has gotten worse during Kevin well yes I guess what I can't get to us because he's no longer employed or he's working remotely from home and so we had women I was talking with my victim advocate.
She said yes that he had to go hide in the bushes say she could make a call and hope that he can check her phone because I can't get to us. Even though our numbers went up. We just know from a national perspective and nonstate that women can't get so going back to that in everything about the question of know where these men come from and what puts him in that state. What I like to tell people to use the people.
So let's stop demonizing them know what we we've got to come to a place that is the body of Christ. We know how to help you know it would.
That's really what we should be doing and on the stories I would hear from these men of where they came from and the abuse that they experienced as children, my goodness, it's a no-brainer where they end up and down they don't know how to love and women don't how to receive love and interest just kind of a perpetual cycle same is done a number on it. We know it's a spiritual battle yes because where we always talk about you know Ephesians 612 for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness. This is what we do what we were dealing with the unseen forces of evil, but but we see the results of what they are afflicting through the physical rail. So what what we've done is we we've taken the super out of the natural we already simply from the natural standpoint, but we we have to understand as believers, that that it's above that you know it it's it's an unseen and when the unseen starts working it. It's manifested through scene when I when I said decent counseling and even working with with the abusers. It wasn't hard to get manifest when you know much talking to when talking with. It didn't take long for to show itself because it's so confident that there there there such a good deceiver and once you figured out it's really interesting when I teach people this and I start going out well, like tentative malls don't go anywhere because you start seeing things that she didn't recognize before. Just how man will hold her arm or direct her into a room or direct her to sit down and just do it and it is terrible, but dividend church. It happens all the so love what awful hand around in the hall, I should add a program by computer just it was interesting because it there's always a sense of community. We with the spouse with the wife husband's hand would always be around her neck. Somewhere during the room. The servers and often wondered if that was what if that was one of the signals and how many times it was really in the front back exactly different, the difficulty of the week absolutely so. I think Carol causes on washable.
We talked about what's the abuse goes from verbal and emotional to physical that there's a 75% for member probability that it could been doing if you looses 75% probability that murder could have my guess is you can look at and killed. So talk to Subodh about that okay because I know that may be my just withdrawn by the luckily for sure now. But I think the important right, because just would be part of the decision processes the persons well prepared their getting ready if they're gonna leave that they know they've really got leave. This is where the church can be such a big help in and week we will and you cannot charges and and teach especially staff or security names as kind things that you know what what how can we help people.
First of all, if she feels like she's gonna need to leave. She needs to have a plan and their needs and and we've got all laid out in a letter things you need to make sure that you have so I know there's a lot of people listening to this and and I would just state you can go on our website and look at that plan. I don't want to get our secret items that they have to have a safety plan and I need to know and be prepared for what the Benedict is typically gander support systems not available to them and people in the body of Christ just don't believe him and all his heart matter.
How does he reconcile good counseling session each day that and then if if she's going to leave and she got a good safety plan.
She her chances of him not stalking or coming back or getting help. She she'll descend much better at being able to recover and and successfully. It takes a woman about an average of seven times leaving before she's actually either able to successfully leave or she become a homicide victim when you mean by that team is the fact that she goes through all the things she should do 50 B order which is a civil protective order which you know aftertime still violate that it's a paper trail just all the things that she needs to be able to do to to safely leave and we as the body of Christ need to believe that what she's telling us is true and an error on the side of safety. You know, keep your personal opinions out of it because he's a nice guy and he's a deacon and any now runs his own business. I know we have weird things that we think about people like Charlie ticket as he's ill or she didn't have the opposite of that. And so Christian, so you know, to prevent that is just really about being educated having a great support system and have a good safety plan and and know where she pleaded to plot her course because it he's going to soccer you know what we know for him in this again for me it's a very spiritual thing that when an abuser starts to lose his grip only tightens it enough. You're if you're repelling off of the wall need a little faster than you want to you for like your losing control and tighten the grip is the same concept is very same concept, and so tightening the grant can mean around someone's throat. You know or ramming your car into them or you know going to the doors and screaming and breaking down to just be all kinds of things, but there tightening the grip because they're losing grip and that's their world. That's how that's where they function and that's what they feel like they have to do and I went out in the embroidery. Remember when I went out and did a poll told you how cold it was that show and I actually saw that there was a couple who was going into the going into the supermarket, and I notice when I started to approach them. He grabbed her really quick and pulled away like no you not unite grams participate or say anything in reference to this and and they were an older couple. I would say in their 50s maybe early 50s and again being the person who recognize little signs like this that that was the first thing the cow popped into my head. You know that this this individual has some type. I don't know what level, but some type of control and and if I can't have you know my whole body will exactly yes and they really try to pull in the pastors you know to go to court just all kinds of things and they try to deal Lyman as I'm in a men's Bible study.
Okay. And obviously not been told about how the church wife versus not L not juju is reviewing the bottles the beachcombers I had once versa is is I had one couple that was working on the book's needs and her needs great. But guess what used it meet 980 that goes that's counterintuitive to follow Christ like life is about serving everyone else so never about self and if we will make that a module versus) it should be about.
This should be all about her and if you will do the more so Patty where can listeners go if they want to go understand how to get that safety plan. We got about 30 seconds left get to next step DV.org website.
There's a safety plan on their crisis line number.
Call 24 seven if you just have questions you want to know my victim you just not sure what you want to do.
We can talk to you about that and help you figure out what's next for you to provide counseling for co-radio host is been a pleasure having all thank you so much pleasure to be here appreciate so much as we wrap up today show you sure DAW CM talking and walking Christian men's ministry is building a community of men Christ followers with a desire to be servant leaders in their homes, communities, churches and work environments. Check out our website for upcoming events of regularly scheduled meetings note for topics that you would like to have us visit in the future. Thank you for joining us on man talk to visit us at www.dawcmm.com men walking the talk, this is Truth Network