Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - Communication: How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, Part 2

In our last broadcast, I told you that communication is the highway on which love travels, and I gave you two key principles for improving, really developing your communication. Today, I want to give you the last three principles.

You're not going to want to miss it. If you want your love to get through, you can learn to communicate better today. Stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry motivating Christians to live like Christians. And in just a minute, Chip will continue our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, with the second half of his talk about the importance of communication in our relationships. But before we begin, if this is your first time listening to Living on the Edge, or you want to learn more about what we do, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org. You'll find resources on tons of topics and countless programs to enjoy. Or if you prefer, the Chip Ingram map is also a great way to get plugged in with our ministry. Okay, go to Ephesians chapter 4 in your Bible as Chip continues walking through the principles that will transform the communication in your home.

Let's dive in. The third principle out of this is be diligent. Work hard on your relationships. Verse 28, if you used to be a thief, you must not only give up stealing, you must learn to make an honest living so that you may be able to give to those in need. And the idea here is be diligent. You know, he's talking about this transformation in relationships and he says, yeah, you used to be a thief. What's the idea of a thief?

It's a shortcut. Stealing is no more than I want the product, I don't want the process. I mean, you work all week and then the guy comes up and puts the gun and says, you get your money out of the ATM and he takes it. You did all the work, he gets all the reward.

That violates a biblical principle of communication in relationship. He says, be diligent. Work hard. I came to realize I don't have the skill to relate. I have baggage.

I have sin. She's a woman. I'm a man.

We got different personalities. I realized I needed to sign up for the rest of my life and make my marriage my number one priority and work at it. And what we want is we want these ideal marriages that are wonderful, but we don't want to put the time in.

I don't want to go through the process. Great marriages are like oak trees, not weeds. They take a lot of time and they're really great. But you got to really work. Next it's be positive. Don't wound with your words. Verse 29, let no more foul language, but good words instead. Words suitable for the occasion, which God can use to help other people. Never hurt the Holy Spirit. He is remembered the personal pledge of your eventual full redemption. Let there be no more resentment, form of anger, no more slander and no more malicious remarks.

So we're to be positive. Don't wound with your words. See, you express it in a way that doesn't wound. In fact, one translation says let no unwholesome word and the word there for unwholesome word in Ephesians 4 29, it's a picture of milk that's gone sour or fruit that has been completely decayed.

Have you ever been on vacation and you left something in the refrigerator for like two or three weeks and you open it and then you open this thing, that smell, that stench. What's this word? Don't let any of those kind of words, words that build up people are legal in your marriage.

Sarcasm, picking, labeling, name calling, talking about her parents, their parents, illegal. Now you got to discipline yourself, but they're illegal. By the way too, you think, oh, I said I'm sorry. Guess who keeps remembering, right? I got a second grade teacher, I can still remember what she said to me. And I've been out of second grade for a long time. I got a coach in ninth grade who said some things to me.

I can still remember exactly what he said to me. Wounds with words are powerful. There's life and death in the power of words.

Be very careful. Every one of my kids, here's a little skill, write down Ephesians 4 29 and write the word memorize. Every one of my kids had to memorize that verse and when they said things to one another or to one of us that were put downs, you had to put money in a jar. And I'll tell you what, after a while they realized I'm going broke doing this, but I wanted them to learn there's a real thing.

You're either putting money in a jar and building people up or you're taking something out of the relationship. Be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. Be the first to say I'm sorry. Verse 32 says be kind to one another, be understanding, be as ready to forgive others as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

And by the way, this is the key to breaking deadlock in your marriages. The word forgive literally means to release. Okay, you release. The reason we don't forgive is revenge. See, you got to pay for this. You hurt me, you got to pay for this. I can't forgive. I can't let it go. If I let it go, then you won't have to pay.

No, what you'll get rid of is your ulcers. And you say, well, he doesn't deserve it. Do you understand what he did? Do you know what she did? Do you know what she said?

You know how much money she spent after we talked about this? You know what? You know how?

Yeah. You don't forgive them because they deserve it, but forgive one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. I give it because I got it. And when Jesus says that we're to learn how to pray, I prayed this morning. Father, forgive me as I forgive those who've trespassed against me. And then I thought of two or three names of people that I felt like had trespassed against me in maybe the last six or eight months. And I said, I just want to remind you, Father, I want to release them. I want to pray that you bless them because I want you to forgive me.

There's a little equation that goes on there, isn't it? And so you never can wipe the board clean and you can never start the healing process until you're willing to let go of the past hurts. And I know at times that mean that's an affair or that's a squandering of money. But God has forgiven you and you need to turn them loose and release them and treat them in the way that God has forgiven you. And by the way, Matthew 5, there in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, if you're coming to the altar to worship and there remember your brother has something against you.

He said, tell you what, you just leave your offering, your time with God and go and find your brother and make it right. Be the first to say, I'm sorry. The way we usually play the game is it's 90% her fault. I'll tell you what, when she comes and apologizes, we'll get this thing straightened out. Well, I didn't respond the right way.

Yeah, there was a 10% truth, of course. I mean, I'm an intelligent person and 10% of the problem is my 90% hers. I'll tell you what, we haven't talked in three days and I slept on the couch, which isn't all that fun.

She should be sleeping on the couch, but couldn't bring myself to that. You know what God teaches? The relationship matters more than who's right. And go into the bedroom and wake her up and say, you know something, honey, I want to apologize. And even if you only think it's 10%, own your part and say, I'm sorry. And isn't it an amazing thing when the other person, you know, reality, it might have been a 50-50 or a 60-40 or a 70-30, but isn't it an amazing thing when another person takes the initiative and owns their part, even if it was a wrong response and ask forgiveness for that. See, what keeps us apart is pride and God is against the proud. It's my rights.

It's I can't let go. Just be the bigger person. Be the first to say I'm sorry. And what you'll find, tremendous healing will occur in your relationship. Well, that those principles are pretty clear, aren't they?

Just right out of scripture. Be honest, be diligent, be positive, be forgiving. I want to give you three skills, okay? Three quick skills. One's a listening skill. One is a conflict resolution skill. And one is an increase your love quotient skill. All right?

Are you ready? Skill number one is what I call the conference. A tool for listening. And this is the way it works. It's very, very, very simple.

And there's three questions and they're very easy. And I sit down. I remember the first time we had this. I got this from marriage counseling.

Thank you, Dr. Dick Meyer. Okay. I wish Theresa was here because we'd have done this. Theresa, what are you concerned about? Excuse me.

I ask, what are you concerned about? I don't interrupt. I don't talk. I don't solve a problem. I don't make a comment. I can verbally, uh-huh, yeah. But you just listen.

What are you concerned about? And then when I get done, she says, well, Chip, what are you concerned about? And she puts tape over her mouth. Well, you don't have to actually do the tape, but for some you'll find it's far more effective. Because even though you're laughing, you'll interrupt.

You will. So if, you know, this is legal in this little thing that you can say, excuse me, I think maybe you need this tape. All right? And so question one, what are you concerned about? You pour it out.

And by the way, if you haven't done this in a long time, it might take 10, 12 minutes. But you're not asking questions, what are you concerned about? I'm concerned about our marriage not being where I need it to be. I'm concerned about our finances. I'm concerned about kind of what's happening around the world with all these wars. I'm concerned about our daughter.

I do not like that guy she's dating. I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about, I'm concerned about. And then when it gets quiet, just wait. Anything else.

And then you flip it. And then the next question is, what do you desire? What do you desire? So I sit down, and again, I don't interrupt.

I get the old tape out. What do you desire, honey? Well, I desire for us to have a close-knit relationship like we used to. I desire for us to get a weekend away and really talk. I desire that you would help me with the kids with their homework, because you know what, I don't understand math anymore, and you're good at math, but you're never around. I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire, I desire.

And it doesn't have to be super serious. I desire we'd win the lotto and we could give most of the money away, but we could have some real fun for ourselves. I desire, you know, just whatever desire you have, just get it out. So question, what are you concerned about?

What do you desire? You don't interrupt one another. And then the last question, and here's the final rule, what are you willing to do? But there's one rule behind the rule. You don't have to do anything.

You don't have to do anything at all. Otherwise, it turns into manipulation. So when I get done, I say to her, what are you willing to do?

She can say, I'm willing to have another conference like this in a couple days. Or I'm willing to pray for you at a deeper level. Or in my case, I remember it specifically, it's not hypothetical, I'm willing to take over all the math homework for all the kids. Now, here's what you need to understand.

Most of us are in levels one, two, and three, right? Most all the time. In about 20 minutes, what occurs is you share all your burdens. That's your concerns. You know what burdens do to you? They weigh you down. And then you share your desires. That's kind of like, that's wind in your sails. And what you're really doing is you have a little time where you say, here's what's weighing me down, babe. Here's what would put wind in my sails. I don't expect you to do anything, but now you know.

If you'd like to put a little wind in my sails, or if you'd like to lift off a burden, at least you're aware, but I don't expect you to do anything. I gotta tell you, our first conference took about 25 minutes. I learned more about what was going on with my wife than hours and hours of talking about stuff. Because we usually talk about work and stuff and logistics. But just have a conference.

We did that, we had two conferences a week probably for a decade as we were repairing and working on our marriage to be diligent. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be back in just a minute to finish today's talk. But quickly, I want to remind you that this program is only possible because of the generosity of listeners like you. So if you'd like to support us, go to livingontheedge.org.

That's livingontheedge.org. And thanks for doing whatever God leads you to do. Well, let's join Chip now for the remainder of his message. The second is what I call word pictures. And a lot of people have done lots of good work on this, but it's just a tool for understanding. Sometimes we can't get into one another's worlds, and you know, you can't get him to really get it. You say it, but he doesn't get it, or you say, honey, this really matters, and no matter what you do, you can't. Consider a word picture.

And a word picture is just something that comes out of their world instead of your world that you might be able to bridge so that light would come on, so they go, oh, I get it. So I won't go into all the details of how bad I've been around the house, and I've actually made lots of progress, but this was years ago, and apparently. Our dishwasher, whenever it was on, the water would come under the bottom, but Teresa put towels under it, so I thought that was okay.

And then our daughter's room, when it rained, the water would come in, and it took more than a few towels, but I thought that's better than replacing a window. And apparently we had three or four appliances and four or five other things like this all around the house that I didn't notice. Teresa asked and asked and asked, and she's angry, and she's pushing it down, and you know, I can't figure out, I wonder why my wife doesn't want to be more romantic. And so we go through this, and she says, Chip, I really need to talk to you. And she learned to do it at the right time at the right place. But she told me this, I mean, for the first 15 years of our marriage, I couldn't hear it. And so I was near the fireplace. I still remember this.

You ever have those moments where it's sort of a turning point in your marriage, and I can remember right where I was at. And she goes, Chip, I really want to talk to you. I said, we're fine. She goes, no, no, you're going to get mad. You're really going to get mad. No.

Surely you're just here. I won't get mad. Will you promise? Okay, I won't get mad. Well then, if you don't get mad, you're going to get really defensive. No, honey, I'm not going to be defensive. Would you just tell me? No, I'm really kind of afraid to tell you. And I said, okay. Look, will you just tell me right now, and I promise I won't be mad.

I won't be defensive. And so she said, okay. She said, Chip, you know when we drive by the church, and we were involved in a building program and developing a site over about a 10 or 12 year period, and you know, when you are driving by the church and the bushes are all messed up, or when we walk out of a service, if songs or different things weren't done the way, you know, you have those quick debriefing meetings and you evaluate, here's what went well, here's what didn't, here's how we need to change it. Or remember last week when we were driving on our date on Friday for coffee and you just saw just all this big pile of junk, and you stopped and said, you know, can you take just a minute? And you walked into the office and you made a call to make sure that wouldn't be there.

I said, well, yeah. I'm thinking she's thinking about what a great husband I am who noticed these things at my work. She said, Chip, when you notice all those things at the church and you make sure everything is right and repaired because it's your world, I really admire you. But when you don't even see the things that need repaired in my world, it makes me feel like you don't care about me.

Because our home in some ways is an extension of me. You know, this is like David getting it from Nathan, right? I mean, hey, she was telling me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever, you know, this needs fixed, that needs fixed, that needs fixed. I'm thinking 300 bucks, we don't have to forget that, you know?

I want to tell you, probably in the next two and a half months, every single one of those things got fixed. Because she told me in a way that reached my heart in from my world, I just thought, oh, I get it. And you might have to be creative. And, you know, like Nathan made up that little story about, you know, the shepherd that had only the one little lamb. But if you can think of ways to say things that give a picture out of their world, often a light will come on. Final thing, and this is a little exercise that we're going to run with, I call it care list, and it's a tool for building. And so what happens is, remember, I talked about the pie of life and how you can focus on the little sliver that's not so good and forget all the good things that you really have. And what you really need to do is build on the good things, and so those other things shrink so you get enough kind of positive emotions in the bank to deal with them.

A care list is list seven simple, loving, caring behaviors that are non-conflict producing and non-expensive that make you feel loved by your spouse. So I've done this with lots of groups and seminars, and I get all of them in together. I say, okay, let's list them, get on a white board.

And they give me 10, 12, 15 things. I feel love when my wife, and the top two are, communicates confidence in me. Man, when my wife communicates confidence in me, I feel love. When she shows and initiates affection, man, I feel love.

And we just make a list. And then my wife would get in the room with a bunch of ladies, so what makes you feel loved by your husband? And ladies would say, when he calls me from work, when he listens intently to me, when he really acts in an understanding way.

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to take, just as we close, three, four minutes, and on the part that it says woman, if you're a woman, I'd like you to at least put, you know, three, four, two, or three things that when your husband does them, notice they're caring behaviors, they're non-conflict producing. In other words, like, if you've been arguing about a cruise for the last 15 years, don't put, I feel love when he takes me on a cruise.

Don't do that, okay? So, you know, non-expensive, non-conflict producing, but you feel love when he does these things. Will you just list three, four, five things? And then, men, I want you to list three or four things that make you feel really loved. And then this is an amazing little thing, but what you do is, ladies, when we get done, you give yours to your husband.

And men, you give yours to your wife. And they don't have to do any of them, but what I'm going to suggest is, choose one of these and just do one each day. Wouldn't it be amazing to know that I can at least do one thing every day when I do it, my wife's going to go, wow, he loves me. Wow, he loves me.

And for some of you, extra-mile-ers, do two a day. Right? And what you're going to be doing is you actually, rather than guessing, we spend so much of our energy thinking, I did that, she didn't respond, he did that, you know? Why not make a list and say, I really feel love when these things happen? And then give it to the other person with ammunition to say, you are free to love me as much as you want.

Right? Christ loves so much he died for his church. Is it too much that we would tell one another clearly what makes us experience love from that person? And then by a willful choice, begin to do the things that communicate love. And what you'll find is that sliver that bothers you will just keep shrinking because what you're going to begin to do is you're going to create an atmosphere where the deeper, more painful vulnerabilities that you will get to later, it can happen in a healthy place where you feel more secure.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And the message you just heard, How to Share Hearts Instead of Exchange Words, is from our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. Movies, romance novels, and social media constantly tell us that the purpose of marriage is to find love or a soulmate. But in reality, that idea hasn't really worked out for many couples, has it? In this 12-part study, Chip examines the biblical design for marriage and explains how you and your spouse can experience all God intended for your relationship.

Now, if you want a marriage that lasts and is more fulfilling than any fairy tale, don't miss any part of this series. Well, Chip's with me in studio now. And Chip, before we go any further, I can see you're wanting to jump in here and share something with our listeners.

Thanks so much, Dave. I just want to say thanks to every single one of you who partner with us at Living on the Edge. You know, some of you pray, some of you give, and some of you do both. You may not know it, but we meet as a staff Monday through Friday, and we pray.

I mean, we have staff all across the country, and we time it where we come together. We pray over you. We pray over the teaching that goes out. We pray over the projects. We have so many people that call in and say, this is a specific need, and we pray for specific needs. We pray over relationships. We pray that God will use the ministry here and around the world.

I have just one question. If the teaching on this program is making a difference in your life, would you get on board? Would you commit to pray for us? Would you commit to give?

In fact, regardless of the amount, if you could give monthly, it would make a world of difference. We have so much ahead of us. The needs are so great, and life is short. Would you go online or give us a call and become a partner with the ministry?

I'm not discouraged because I know God's in control, but I believe He's calling us to step up and really make a difference, and we need your help to do that. Thanks Chip. Well, if you're already a financial partner, thank you. With your help, Living on the Edge is ministering to more people than ever. But if you're benefiting from Chip's teaching and haven't yet taken that step, now would be a great time to join the team. To send a gift or to become a monthly partner, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003, or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners, tap donate. Well, with that, here again is Chip. In today's broadcast, I covered a lot.

I probably talked pretty quickly. I encourage you, go to the website, livingontheedge.org, and download the notes at a minimum. And the conference questions, the care list, all of that is right there. And I've got to tell you, I mean, I paid for 12 sessions of marriage counseling while I was in seminary.

This little tool, the conference, was worth all the money. Teresa and I were assigned twice a week to have a conference, to ask these questions. What are you concerned about?

What do you wish? What are you willing to do? And you need to listen to that over, because I gave some rules and I'm not going to go over them again right now. There are some specific rules, complete with duct tape, that you need to put over your mouth, because especially, guys, you'll want to solve the problem, and ladies, you'll probably have a few comments you want to share. This will take your communication to the next level. It'll be very uncomfortable at first.

Do it. And ladies, please don't get frustrated. This is really, really hard for guys to do. In the room, I had people stop. I made them do it. I shamed the men into doing it. But when they did it, the lights came on. But I will tell you, I saw body language of guys.

They looked like they were being stabbed in the back. It's not that hard, but it really is uncomfortable. So ladies, be graceful. And guys, I'm telling you, if you want to make points, I mean, you want to get like to an A on the wife list. Take these three questions and say, honey, I'd just like to try something.

Write them down. You don't have to do it well. Have a conference. And what you'll find is, without judgment, you're going to get some good stuff out on the table and begin on that highway of love.

So go for it. Thanks, Chip. As we close, you know a great way to get plugged in with our resources here at Living on the Edge is through the Chip Ingram app. You can listen to past series, sign up for daily discipleship, and more. Let us help you experience God in a new personal way, starting today with the Chip Ingram app. Well from all of us here, I'm Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.