Marriage that Works - What's a Man to Do?, Part 1

Guys, let's be honest. How many of you want to live quiet, peaceful, safe, passionless lives, doing just the minimum to squeak by so no one ever notices you? Well, if that's you, turn off this program, because today we're going to share what God intended you to be and to do as a man. Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. The mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. And we're a little over halfway through our series, Marriage That Works. Through the first part of our study in Ephesians, Chapter 5, Chip talked about marriage as a covenant and explained why both husbands and wives are essential for any relationship to work. So for the remainder of this series, we'll get even more practical and describe what men and women are to do in a marriage and in their families.

Today, Chip will talk directly to the guys, and there's a lot he wants to share. So if you have your Bible and notes ready, let's get going. What's a man to do? Okay, you're supposed to be a leader and a lover. Great, I've got it.

What's a man to do? To get this, I need you guys to kind of get riveted. Imagine if you will, you've just been pulled off out of this room right now, eight or 10 of you. You're stationed right here, and either the head of a Navy Seal, the head of the Marine Special Ops, or in the Army Ranger Program said, you have been selected, you eight or 12 right here. That's the mountain we're going to take. There's a two-year journey.

Let me help you understand something, men. You'll go through the most difficult training you've ever been in your life. Your commitment and ability to stay on track and get each other's back will determine whether you live or die in this matter that we're going to go for together. If this group is successful in what happens up on that mountain, we'll save tens of thousands of lives. If not, not only will we die, but all those people will die as well.

I saw a documentary recently on the training of Marine Special Ops, and just the beginning, in full fatigues, they tread water for an hour, with clothes on, boots on. You can't take it, you're done. We don't need him. They teach them, you will make decisions, and you will keep commitments, and you will do what you never thought you could do, and you'll never do it apart from being with a band of brothers that will push you harder and farther and farther and deeper, and you'll change the world. And it was in that spirit that Moses, after watching people fail for 40 years, pulled together the next generation of leaders, and he pulled them together and he'd watched about two million people die out of disobedience. They wouldn't take the hill. They wouldn't make the commitment.

They wouldn't swim upstream. And in his last words, he steps up and he speaks to the men. Deuteronomy chapter 6, he says, these are the commandments, the decrees, the laws the Lord directed me to teach to you, to observe when you cross the Jordan and when you possess it, so that your children and their children after them may fear the Lord. And then he describes what it means to fear God, keeping his decrees, living by them, in order that you may enjoy a long and good life. Here, O Israel, be careful to obey, so that you may increase greatly in this land flowing with milk and honey.

In other words, the desire and the goal is awesome and it's great. And then he says, here, O Israel, the Lord is one. And he's talking about one God and they're going to go into a land that's filled with multi gods and multi idols and unbelievable perversion. And then he says, men, you're to love the Lord your God with all your heart or your mind or your soul or your strength. And then you're to teach it to your children. And after formal teaching, you're to talk about it when you walk by the way. And you're to talk and impress upon their hearts and their minds when you get up and when you lie down and when you go out. And then you to put certain symbols on your hands so that everything that you do, your kids and your grandkids and everyone follows your example.

And you even put frontals he talks about so that your thinking and your world view is that it's more than about you. It's about this agenda for God and you're to fear him. And then when you get there, the hand of the all knowing, all powerful, all wise God that created you will prosper you and bless you because he loves you. And so when you begin to eat grapes from vineyards that you didn't plant and when you begin to drink out of wells that you did not dig and when you have beautiful houses that you did not build, you better be careful because in that consumption, in that luxury, in that blessing, you'll be tempted to drift away. And then he goes on to say, and fear God for he is a jealous God for in that day that you refuse to obey him. All the things that I was going to do to these people, I will do to you. That will make being a navy seal, being a ranger in the army or being a special ops Marine look like a walk in the park. And what I'm going to talk to us men about is what God wants you to do.

And it'll take intensity and commitment and you can't do it alone. And what I'm going to share is so different than probably almost any man you've ever met. And most of you didn't, you're like me, you didn't have a father like this. I got the Marine part of the father.

I didn't get the Christian part of the father. But I will tell you, those of you that aren't married, this kind of a man attracts the kind of woman that you dream of. This is the kind of man that a woman waits for. This is the kind of man that if you do what God says, there's a daughter that will probably marry someone different than a passive.

I hope it goes well. I kind of come to church type dad. This is the kind of man whose son says, someday, some way, I want to be like my dad. I want to be a man of integrity, a man of focus, a man who makes a difference, a man who walks with God.

And this is going to be out. What do you do? What do you actually do? You're to be a leader and a lover. What he says you're to do after stepping up in love, he's going to say you need to provide, protect, and nurture.

It's what men do, real men do. You provide financially for your family. You protect them physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and you nurture them.

And all this flows out of one passage. We've been in Ephesians chapter 5, but I gave you three specific other places where it specifically lays those out. First Timothy 5, 8, but if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he's denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Translation, men, the moral responsibility for the financial welfare of our homes is ours. Second, you husbands, likewise, live with your wives, how? In an understanding way, as with the weaker vessel, since she's a woman, and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.

So after provision, there's a spiritual something that occurs that a man does. You become the student of your wife, or if you're not married, become the student of your girlfriend. What is she like? How does she think? What are her weaknesses?

Where does she struggle? And you live with her in an understanding way so that the grace of God comes through you to help develop her in her life. And then notice the implication, if you don't do that, your prayers get hindered. How you treat your wife, men, has a direct relationship to how God answers your prayers and mine. And third, it goes on to say, but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God? 1 Timothy 3, 5.

What I want you to know is that what Moses did for the Old Testament, what we're going to see is this is the New Testament version of being a nonconformist, Navy Seal, spiritual committed man who changes the course of a whole family's destiny. And what I want you to understand is I'm just going to give you the box top. I have a friend up near Tahoe and he has a nice A-frame that for the last 20 years I've been able to go up there and hide and spend some time either with my family or some time to study. And someone there likes to do these jigsaw puzzles. For me, a very challenging jigsaw puzzle is like 100 pieces. They're very big.

And when I struggle, one of my granddaughters, Ella, would you help me with this? I don't know. I don't like them.

I'm not good at them. This one was like 10,000 pieces. Have you ever seen those? And they had a coffee table that was like three feet by four feet. And I walked in one time and the whole thing was a picture. I thought it was a picture. And then I saw the box. It was like 10,000 pieces. And I remember talking to my friend and I said, you actually like to do this?

He goes, yeah, it's really fun. And I said, if my life depended on it, I could never do it. He said, no, no, no, Chip, you can't. Here's the key.

You just have to have the box top. If you can see the picture and then you have to take it a step at a time. He said, you know, all the pieces that have an edge, guess what, Ingram, you can figure this out.

They're the border. All right. He says, then you take the blue pieces and you put them in a pile and the green pieces and the red pieces and then you just start with them. And if you'll do that little by little by little and be patient and realize it's a journey, you can put that whole thing together. And then I hope that picture is graphic in your mind because what you're going to hear is what the equivalent of a spiritual army ranger or special ops Marine.

And what you're going to get is the box top. It's as though he would say for the next two to five years, here's the journey. Here's the job description. Don't hear this as a to do list.

I'll get in this five minutes and you'll say, if I have to do all that tomorrow, I'm dead. Yes, you are. But what you'll see is a pathway. You'll see a pathway that will produce a certain kind of man that will produce a certain kind of marriage that produces a certain kind of father that produces a certain kind of life and a difference where you work in, in your neighborhood where light and salt and transformation occurs through a normal man like you. First time I was even exposed to what I'm going to teach you. I was newly married. I married a guy who had been abandoned. I became a dad overnight. So I got four and a half year olds.

I have no idea how to be a husband. And now I'm automatically a dad. And all I know is that, you know, God blessed my dad. He gave me what he had. His dad died when he was 13. My dad didn't come to Christ when he was 55.

And all I knew is everything I'm going to teach you, I didn't know how to do. I've been on the Navy seal journey of saying, God, I want to be the kind of man that my daughter says because my dad treated me this way. That's the kind of man I want to marry. I want to be the kind of dad where my boys grow up and say, with all of his faults and struggles, I want to be a dad like my dad. I want to be the kind of man where my wife says privately to a close friend, my husband treats me in an understanding way. And you know what?

He's got a lot of growing to do, but I got to tell you, I feel like the presence of God and Christ dwells in him and ministers to me. And I want to tell you guys, it's possible. It's possible for us that have never opened the Bible.

It's possible for us to don't know anything. And so get your pen out and let me give you the job description and tell you in advance, this is a pathway. You can't do all this, but let me tell you what it is.

I want you to know what it's going to be looking like when you get on that Hill and what's going to be required. The question, how to step up and love to lead your wife and your family or your future wife and potential family if you're single. Number one, husbands hold the primary responsibility for the financial welfare of their families.

Financial provision. And here's how I'm going to do it. I'm going to give you the one clear statement that says to you, the man, the Navy Seal, this is what it is.

And there's three of them. And then I'm going to say, okay, now here's the role. And then after that, I'm going to say, now here's the responsibility of that role. And then there's about five specific objectives that you're going to have to develop over time with the help of some other guys. And then just so you don't get caught into all the activities, here's the core values.

Here's what you really want to develop over time. So here's the role, gentlemen. You are the family CFO or bank president. The end of the day, if the numbers don't work at a bank, you can't blame the tellers.

You're the man. If there's not enough money to go around, if you've got too much debt and your debt ratio, if you've got a big financial problem, at the end of the day, that's on my shoulders. I'm glad for your wife when she can help out. There's times when a woman it's great when they can work. There's other times where family responsibilities don't allow that.

But I will tell you what, when you own and take the pressure off and say, I own the moral responsibility to provide for my family. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll continue our series Marriage That Works in just a minute. But first, do you long to have the God-honoring, love-filled relationship Chip's been describing?

If so, keep listening after this teaching to learn about a tool we've developed to help husbands and wives deepen their connection to one another and with God. Stick around for more details. Well, with that, here again is Chip. There's five specific objectives to that. Shelter, food, clothes, financial training.

Financial training. And so where does that begin? Well, it just starts with me. You do honest work. You might jot down just in the middle, Colossians 3, 23.

Your wife, and if you have kids, your kids need to see someone that works hard and works well. Colossians 3, 23 says this, Whatsoever I do, I work unto the Lord and not unto men. In other words, when I clean the garage, when I wash the car, when I teach my kids, when I go to work, they need to see that I don't work just for this. I'm working as unto the Lord.

It's an act of worship. So you do excellent work and you work hard. If there's nothing that you pass on to your kids apart from a strong, clear work ethic unto God, it changes their life.

Second thing is you need to honor God first. You're the steward of your finances. Some of us get a paycheck once a week. Some of us get a paycheck every two weeks. Some get a paycheck once a month. Some of you work like crazy, then you get a commission.

If it's once a week, once a month, whatever it is, for 30 days, I work, work, work, work, and there's time, energy, talent, all that God's given me. And when I get that check, God says, all that you are and all is mine. You're a manager.

I'm the owner. And so as a manager, I come over here to God and say, I want you to know, I remember that you are the one in control and I'm trusting you, not me. So the very best and the Old Testament was your best sheep or your best goat or your best ox or the first fruit.

So I give the first tie, they're 10% to God. As you get older and mature, you can give more than that. And there's some crises times where you figure out and God shows you some other specifics. But as a general rule, you say, that's yours.

And this is what I'm going to do. And I want you to know that I trust you. We can talk all we want, but submission and Lordship plays out not in my words, but in my money, my time and my energy. God says, I'm the CEO of the universe. I want to bless you. I want you to trust me. So you model that for your wife and for your family and your kids.

And it takes a step of faith. Third, you live within your means. You don't have more money going out than comes in. You realize last year that more college students filed bankruptcy than graduated from college in the United States.

Someone didn't train them very well. I mean, when you're a freshman in college now, they say, hey, do you want a t-shirt? Yeah, we'll give you this t-shirt if you sign up for this credit card. And then they just think learning the value of the dollar, learning to get out of debt, learning to handle money. Dads, doesn't mean you do it all, but I'm responsible for that in my family.

And so I have to make sure that more is coming in than is going out. And the amazing thing is it's not an income issue. Don't believe that. I made my way through seminary by selling insurance and investments. I met people that made 50 grand and they didn't have cash flow.

I met people and sold people that made a hundred grand. They didn't have cash flow. I met people who made a half a million dollars and they didn't have cash flow.

Here's what I learned. Whatever window of income you have, most people figure out how to spend right that income. And if you go back even 30, 40 years, the average American would save a significant percentage, at least high single digits. Today, average American save less than one or 2% of their income. And so we're living in a world where people never used to buy cars on time.

They never used to, now you can get your house, furniture, don't make payments for two years. No, you're not going to make them for two years. You're going to make them 30 years forever and you're paid 21%. So when you're the financial manager, you got to live within your means.

And then you have to prepare for the future. Yet you have to, you have to say, okay, we need to have a savings plan. I mean, when I started out, I mean, I had three kids making $1,800 a month, pastoring a tiny little church. And I know it wasn't much, but I saved $50 a month for retirement.

At least it got me started. But you've got savings, retirement. Do you have a will?

What happens if you die? Do you need to have a trust? What are your investments?

Where are they and why? Some of you and where you're at, do you need to meet with a financial planner? Do you have life insurance that does anything if you actually die?

Guys, that's your job. Over half of all the Christians who die don't even have a will. We're owning the moral responsibility for the finances in our home. And then train your kids. Train your kids how to use money and how to use it well.

I read an interesting study. If you would write these numbers down, 10, 1080, just 10, 1080. I mean, this is so oversimplified. It's sort of the Larry Burkett, Dave Ramsey approach when you're, especially when your kids are small. If people at age 18 gave the first 10% of every dollar that came in, saved the next 10% and lived on the 80% and just figured out how do I live on that 80%?

Nearly everyone by age 65 would be multimillionaires. It's called the beauty of compound interest. Unfortunately, most people don't save. Most people don't save or give. And most people then figure out how to buy stuff they can't afford. And so the debt side goes the other direction. Half of all marriages end not because people don't love each other. Then because when you don't have enough money, you start arguing about whose fault it is.

And they're related around money. And guys, that's where you pound your chest and say, our financial security provision, priorities and discipline and well-being, that's me. And for a lot of us, we never saw my dad do that. For some of us, we didn't see our dad. So do I understand this is difficult?

Yeah. I remember coming home and spending money we didn't have and my wife didn't think the flowers were all that good. I said, honey, I just love you. She goes, yeah, well, they cost $20. We only got $10 in our checking. But you wouldn't know that because you don't know anything about our money. That's when I realized I needed a lot to learn. So we do all of our finances together now.

But there's a Managing Your Finances, God's Way, DaveRamsey.com, there is great information about how to get your money under control. But for some of you sitting where you're sitting, it's like, oh, my land, that's a huge mountain. I told you it'd be hard. Of course it's hard. But you can stop where you're at and make great progress starting today. The second, here is the core values, is to model and teach a work ethic. So you want to teach your kids early on to start early to work hard. If you have small kids, everything from making their bed and taking out the garbage and when they get a little bit older, let them help out with the dishes, let them help out cooking.

When they get to be junior high, give them their own alarm clock and let them learn to wake up themselves. What you want to do is feed your kids responsibility and work and teach them to become more and more, not independent, but dependent on God. So many kids get lost because everything's been done for them.

Or the process has been nag, nag, nag, do this, do this, and there's conflict in the home. Teach your kids, dad, this is where we step in and you teach them how to work well and to work hard. And then the values here of the stewardship of their time and their money. When our kids got to be about two years old, maybe three, we put three jars on each of their dressers and they couldn't read it yet, but one said spending, one said giving, and one said savings. And we just started out and they would help out, help pick up your toys and you get 10 pennies, one goes there, one goes there, eight goes there. You get a little older, they get 10 dimes, one goes there, one goes there, one goes there. They get a little older, they start getting quarters.

Pretty soon they earn some more money. And you know what they learn? They just learn everything belongs to God.

They learned early and I want to honor him and the joy of, you know, my kids when they were five, seven, eight years old started doing faith promise and would meet a missionary or we'd have on the refrigerator a little world vision kid with their stomach out to here. Do you know what happens when your child, seven, eight, nine years old learns to be generous and love and care instead of, dad, how come we don't have this and what's the, right? We will develop a whole generation of consumer-aholics and it's not their problem, it's us. We have to be the ones to set the pace. We've got to be the ones to say, honey, this is how much money we have. Here's what we can buy, here's what we can't. And you know, then when they save, they have this amazing experience of delayed gratification. This is something they really want. They save, they save, they save and they buy it and they love it and it's good.

And you teach them some discipline and some responsibility and so, you know, they get to be teenagers and they got to have diesel jeans, right? And they're only 150 bucks. And mom, you got to understand, right? And you say, honey, let me tell you this, at the Gap, I can get you a good pair for 50, maybe 55. And here's what I'll do.

You can start saving. We'll put my 55 in a jar and you can babysit and I'll give you some money for cleaning this out and you can earn the other 100 and you can wear any kind of jeans you want. And then your son says, man, I want, you know, they're only 164 dollars. Those are the shoes, dad. I got to have them. And you say, well, I can go to the Sports Authority and the last year's version, I could get for about 72 dollars and they, you know, they're really good and I'm going to put 72 dollars in a jar and you can get whatever kind you want.

But I donate 72 dollars to this process and you get whatever you want. And you know what? I did that with my kids and it was amazing.

Those diesel jeans were not near as cool. My one daughter, we were strapped financially all of our years growing up and so my boys, I didn't have to show restraint. By the way, very wealthy people have a very big problem teaching their kids anything because you don't have to. When you're poor it's really easy.

The answer is no. Why? You know, you go out to eat, what are you ordering? What do you want, lemon in your water or just water? And when you go out to eat, you never look on the left side. The question is not when you go out to eat, what do you want?

The question is on the right side. Okay, $3.99, $4.99, $6.99. What are we getting? $3.99. All right?

I mean, I'm serious. But then, you know, as things progressed, we got, did better financially and, you know, a couple books did sort of okay. And so I've got this, my daughter's 13 years younger than my oldest boys. So I got like almost two families. And she's like compliant.

The boys weren't all that compliant. So she's obeying all the time and she's really nice. And then she's my daughter, if you're a dad.

So, hey dad, you know, can I have these? Yeah, you know. And you know, I'm this soft touch. And so all this stuff I'm telling you, I'm not doing. And I remember going out for coffee with Teresa and I said, honey, I think we're really blowing it with Annie.

Were is the word I use when it's me because it feels better. I said, I think we're really blowing it with Annie. And she goes, what do you mean? And she said, I said, well, man, they learn responsibility. They had jobs. I mean, even college was, hey, here's how much money I have. You know, do whatever you want to do. I'll throw that much in the pot.

And they work two jobs and they all made it through college and all that jazz. And so I said, we got to teach her how to really be responsible. But the problem is we got money now.

I mean, I can afford it. And she's so cute. And so we sat down and we figured out how much a month for everything that I spent on her.

And for a year, I mean, clothes, camps, makeup, toothpaste, everything. We figured out what it was. And then we sat down because she's just super responsive and compliant, which was made it so hard. And I said, honey, we had an exciting adventure for you. I said, great. I said, we figured out this is how much we spend on you, da da da da da da da da. Okay, now here's what we're going to do.

And so, you know, I made some some margin in there that was a real reasonable kind of on the downward side. And I said, every month we're going to give you this much money. And it's your job. We're not.

Don't ask us for anything. You can buy whatever clothes with it if you don't have makeup. But when it's gone, it's gone. Every month we will give you this much money. And I watched my daughter become extraordinarily responsible. And now that it's her money, it was like, you know, I think I'll buy.

I don't think I really will. Well, pretty soon she's starting. I mean, by the time she graduated, we did this the last two years. She had like three thousand dollars in the bank and I did deals.

Like I said, if you want to go to a camp like the ski camp and if you're a parent like that stuff's really expensive. I said, I'll do a hundred. You know, it was like three fifty.

I'll do a hundred or hundred fifty if you want to go. And she would save her money. And she learned to budget her money, save her money, buy all of her own clothes. And she ended up saving.

And I realized the gift I gave her was I taught her how to live instead of how just to get stuff from her dad. And you know what? Guys, that's what I'm talking about.

And it just means being intentional. And I talked quite a bit about money here. Money is just a symptom. Money is never a problem in any relationship. Money is never a problem in your relationship with God. Money is never a problem in your relationship with your mate, your girlfriend, your friends.

Money is never ever a problem. Money is an outward symptom that always reveals your true values. What really matters is where you spend your money. And what really matters is where you spend your time. Why Jesus talked more about money than heaven and hell combined is not that he needs your money. What he knows is where your treasure is, that's where your heart is.

And so he wants me to be dependent. What I want my kids, what I know is where they spend their money is their true values. And so these are the kind of things, stewardship, responsibility, and then enjoyment. Just really having fun. And knowing that so many Christians I meet, when they buy something nice or get something nice and their priorities in order, they always tell me stuff like, well, it's really nice, but I got it on sale. Or, you know, this pool, we get this pool, it's really nice, but I mean, it's for baptisms. It's for the youth group.

How about this? God's really blessed me. I'm really generous. Everything I own is his. I give a ton of it away.

I live within my means. I wanted a swimming pool. I like a swimming pool. It's a beautiful swimming pool. You know what we do?

We sit out and enjoy it. And he's prospered me and I'm thankful. See, we got to get clean and clear about what money is and what it's not. But I will tell you, there's a lot of people buying swimming pools and clothes and cars and getting statements that are saying, you better keep this job or you hope that something changes because you're presuming upon the future and it's called debt.

And what you do is you get out of that. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, What's a Man to Do? from our series, Marriage That Works. Chip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. You know, it's no secret that the institution of marriage is in trouble.

What was once a foundational part of society is now becoming an irrelevant and outdated custom. But there is hope. Join Chip as he challenges this status quo through his study in Ephesians chapter five. Learn how in the face of cultural pressure you can raise godly kids, have a healthy home life, and build a lasting marriage. For more info about this series, visit livingontheedge.org.

That's livingontheedge.org. Well, before we go any further, Chip's joined me in studio now. And Chip, you know, the last several programs you've been talking about how to grow and strengthen our marriages. And I understand you have a good analogy to help us better understand the practical ways we can do that.

You know, Dave, marriage is a unique experience. And I don't mean to make light of this, but we all have cars. And I have noticed that people, most of us are better at keeping our cars in shape than we are the most important relationship. I mean, I have this little light that comes on that says, hey, you need a tune-up, right? You've got to align the wheels, change the oil, you know, check the tires. And, you know, you do that. And if you do that, your car runs really well for a long time. And what I want to remind people is that our marriages need a tune-up.

It doesn't mean anything's wrong. It just means, hey, how's the communication going and where are we at in this season of marriage? And left to ourselves, work pulls us in directions, children pull us in directions, and just to pause and say, let's give some real energy and focus to our marriage. And I found the very best way to do that is to find two or three couples and say, hey, let's do a study together. And the study that we have that for me is the absolutely most practical is called Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage. It's a resource that talks about communication, resolving conflict, fighting fair.

I mean, all the kind of things that we all need tune-ups on. Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage has been just one of the best small group resources we ever created. So Dave, why don't you tell people how they can get that?

And let me just encourage you to check it out. Well, to order the Small Group Study Guide, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call 888-333-6003. And let me tell you, just by investing some time in this study, you'll be blown away by what you learn about marriage and what God has in store for you and your spouse. So for complete details about our Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage Small Group, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003.

Tap listeners, tap special offers. Well, Chip, as we wrap up today, talk to that couple who are overwhelmed, frustrated, or maybe even stressed out about their financial situation. What advice do you have for them to reconnect and figure out a way forward together? Well, Dave, money issues are one of the top reasons that marriages fail today. So it makes sense that if there's money issues in your marriage and if you want your marriage to be what God wants it to be and to last, then you got to do something about money issues. And unfortunately, couples don't communicate on this. A lot of people, we just sort of slide into it. People come in with debt, with loans.

And so here's two or three very practical things. Listen carefully. Number one, don't discuss this issue, why you're paying your bills and why a credit card statement has arrived.

When you focus on the problem, all you're going to do is blame. You're going to get angry. Your emotions are going to come out. So when you see it and whatever the presenting issue is, oh my, Lance, what are we going to do? What were you thinking?

Golf clubs, we can't even pay for. Well, you did shoes. Okay, forget all that. So number one, don't discuss it at that time. Say, you know what? It's we need to talk.

Get some time, get away, pray, ask God to refresh your mind and heart. And then say, a day later, two days. Two, sit when you both are feeling good about life and talk about the future, not the past. You can't change that bill anyway. What are we going to do moving forward? That pattern, it's not good for our marriage. It's not good for our finances. What are we going to do about the future?

What could we change? How could both of us work together? And then the third thing is you got to get help. So, you know, go to Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey, take a crown course. You got to get some help. And I would say for most of you, if it's a big problem, get an outside third party.

You're going to need someone to sit down to be the referee and to come up with a plan. And, you know, you get on a plan, you get out of debt, you will just be amazed. And so just let me encourage you. Money is just a symptom. The real issue is your relationship.

It's following God's design. This series is a series that addresses those kind of issues. This is a series that you really want to do together, even if it's just you as a husband and wife. Thanks for that wise advice, Chip. As we close, are you looking to get even more plugged in with Living on the Edge on our resources? Then let me encourage you to check out the Chip Ingram app. You can listen to our most recent series, sign up for daily discipleship and more. We want to help you grow in your walk with Jesus. And the Chip Ingram app is a great way to immerse yourself in Godly, enriching content. But thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Next time, we'll continue Chip 's series, Marriage That Works. I'm Dave Druey, and I hope you'll join us then.