Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage - What Went Wrong? Barriers to Intimacy, Part 2

After pastoring for over 35 years, I've heard the same thing over and over. Why is marriage so hard? I want you to know there are normal barriers that make it difficult, and it's by the power of Christ and understanding them that you can overcome them.

Stay with me. Living on the Edge is an international teaching and discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. Well, in just a minute, he'll pick up where he left off in our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage, with a remainder of his message about the barriers that disrupt the intimacy in our relationships. Last time Chip unpacked the first one, spiritual issues. Today he'll identify the remaining barricades and how you and your spouse can break through them together. A lot of content to get to, so let's get started.

Go to Genesis chapter 3 in your Bibles as we join Chip for part 2 of his talk. The second barrier is psychological barrier, and as you listen to that, these are our personality differences, but as you listen to this, I just want you to remember this spiritual barrier so colors everything that, boy, I'll tell you, it makes all these others, it just taints them. Psychological barrier is our personality differences. I mean, men, women, they're different, but just people are different, aren't they?

I mean, example, there's introverts and extroverts. I mean, some people go to a party and want to meet everybody, and someone goes to a party, finds a corner with one or two other people, and they spend four hours there, and they come home, oh, that was an awesome party. And if you're an extrovert, you're going, how could that be an awesome party? You sat in the corner with two other people, what a bummer. You know, you're high-fiving, hey, Jim, Bobby, hey, good to see you, good to, you know, right? Now, that's not a good or a bad. You know, an extrovert needs to get around people to get refreshed, oh, man, I need to get with my friends.

An introvert goes, give me two days alone, turn off the voicemail, turn off the email, unplug the phone, I just need to be, and then the energy comes back. But you know what? Some weird thing, we kind of marry the opposites, don't we? And it causes conflict. Or the difference between assertive and easygoing, I mean, some people are loving and kind, but they're just assertive, right? There's a little edge, hey, let's get this done, and other people are, you know, kind of laid back, right, you know? And she's going, hey, let's do this, she's assertive, and he's going, well, maybe we'll cut that yard tomorrow, you know?

Let's enjoy one another, baby, you know? And so you have conflict, there's not a wrong person, is there? But it's different. Or the difference between factual and abstract. I mean, some people are just, you know, by the book, factual, factual, factual, factual, you know, Chip, excuse me, it says 55 miles an hour, I know that means like 55 to 60, 62, because, honey, I believe the laws of the land are very clearly written, it's 50. Got you, hon, you know? I want real factual people flying the planes that I am on.

Hey, you know, this airport's close enough, or, you know, when you get your teeth drilled, eh, is it this one, that one, eh, it's close enough, right? I mean, it's not bad or wrong, you want factual people doing things that are meticulous, but people that are going to dream dreams and paint paintings, you know, I don't want like, okay, let's do a masterpiece of art, okay, the number one goes here, blue, number two goes here, right? You want people that are abstract and dreamy and conceptual. God made us different. But when you got the barrier of sin, and then you throw these kind of differences, I mean, some people are very systematic, I married one, some are very spontaneous, she married one. You know, I just, oh, let's do that.

She says, is that on the schedule or not, you know? And about after 30 years, I'm learning to be a lot more systematic, and she's grown to be much more spontaneous. There's all kind of tests, whether it's Myers-Briggs, MMPI, disk tests, you can discover what these are, but the answer is understanding. The answer is understanding. It's getting, oh, we're different, let's understand it. The differences aren't bad, but you need to figure out that you really are different.

And you know what, it takes time. As many of you know, Teresa and I came from alcoholic families, and so if you know about systems, that creates not really good systems. And so my first couple years of marriage, oh boy, that was wild. And so I had a fellow named Paul Meyer, who was a, he was actually teaching at the seminary, the Meyer-Minerith clinics, and at the same time was getting some more Bible education himself. And so he was giving this lecture, and as he gave this lecture, he was describing our marriage, and we were having all this conflict, we just flat out could not communicate. And he described it, so I went up after class, I said, where did you learn all those secrets?

And he looked at me and said, Chip, this is just normal stuff. But I had made all the differences of who we are a wrong and a right. Instead of understanding all, I guess I need to live in a world understanding she needs time alone. And she needs to learn I need some time with people that's going to be way over the top for her.

I guess she needs to understand that if we're not real conceptual and lay out where we want to be 10, 15 years, we'll never get there because life is more than just doing the task and the list in the next 72 hours. But did you ever think maybe that's why God put you together? Did you ever think it was to compliment and to help one another? There's multiple areas that are different because of your personalities magnified by the spiritual barriers. And then third, we've got gender barriers. Despite many of the movements of the past 20 or 30 years, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually, men and women are different. I love the quote by a famous theologian who said, Our sexuality penetrates to the deepest metaphysical grounds of our personality. As a result, the physical differences between the man and the woman are a parable of the psychic and spiritual differences of a more ultimate nature. His point saying, you know, when you look at the physiology of a man and a woman, it's like a parable. And that, God, we are very different at all levels. We don't process information the same. Now, I'm going to give you some differences out of a book called Understanding Each Other by Paul Tournier. It's an older book.

He was a Swiss psychologist who's a believer. And don't go away to someone and say, Men are always like this and women are always like this and this Chip Ingram guy said this. I didn't say that.

I'm going to give you tenancies. There are multiple exceptions of women who are more like this and men are like that. So but there are certain tendencies that are verifiable. Males tend to be more achievement focused. Women tend to be more relationally focused. Men tend to be tend to be more theoretical and generalist.

Women tend to be more specific and detail oriented. I have a grandchild. Someone asked me, So tell me about your brand new grandchild. It's healthy, doing great, name's Nola. We got it. We're done. Someone calls, Teresa, what's your grandchild?

21 inches, 7.97, 3.1 ounces, was born at 1.48. I mean, I'm just thinking, we got a healthy baby. It's great. She's fine. You know, right? Don't sweat the details. Well, that's the important stuff to her. That's not wrong or right, but we're different. More information oriented in communication, men tend to be. Women tend to be more emotionally oriented. It's not an either or, and by the way, in the marketplace, I think one of the reasons we're seeing women as great team builders is they don't just look at the facts.

They have that sixth sense about what's happening in the lives and the hearts of people. Men tend to be more action oriented. Women tend to be more verbal oriented. In fact, research that I read was a woman speaks on average about a third to 50% more than the average man. And some of you men would say, that's true in my home, and for others it wouldn't be, but that's not bad or good.

It's how we're wired. Men tend to be more facts oriented. Women tend to be more intuitively oriented. Men tend to be more goal oriented, and women tend to be more supportive and nurturing oriented.

It's interesting, if you have kids as they grow up, ask yourself, who do they go to for certain situations? Now, I think we both have something to give, and there's a lot of women and a lot of men that have a lot of crossover, but these are some general tendencies. Here's the point though. The point is, you're a man, your wife's a woman. Okay? Think very clearly on this.

How he thinks, how he behaves, how he processes information. If there wasn't a fall, if there was no sin, you would have some struggles, at least big misunderstandings, but when you take sin, then you take personality differences, then you take the differences between men and women. You know what?

It's amazing. Anybody stays married, right? But what are we believing? We're believing we love one another. We should have ooey gooey feelings and never have any struggles. If you've got to work through gender issues, personality issues, and sin issues, you're going to have big struggles, and big struggles are normal. Fourth, the answer here is appreciation. I am glad my wife is not like me, right?

And you are glad your husband is not like you in many, many, many ways, but it's appreciating that instead of making them, again, areas of conflict. The final barrier is historical barriers, our baggage from the past. Some have more than others. Family upbringing. You know, you come from different families that have different values, a different geography. Someone was in the country, someone in the city, someone in the suburbs. Communication styles. In my home, everyone talked at the same time, and no one listened.

At her home, no one talked. I can still remember we were early dating, and I just thought I'm going to be in love with this gal, and we had this 45-minute drive, and I thought, wow, this is going to be great. I mean, and to me, my love language is meaningful conversation, and so we're going to have this great talk, and we're driving through the country, and I noticed she was quiet now and then, and she has now, by God's grace, changed a lot to not make me crazy, but this was, you know, probably almost 30 years ago. So we're driving in the car, and I just thought to myself, I tend to start the conversations. I'm going to let her start this time. So I'm driving, and, you know, this is how men are.

This is so crazy. It's been five minutes. No one said anything. And she looks at me and smiles, looks out, you know, and there's cows on the hills that I didn't notice, and a blue sky, and trees, and what's the deal here? She must be mad at me.

It's insecurity, right? Okay, so now it's 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 35 minutes, 35 minutes. I'll tell you what. The moment she opens her mouth.

Man, I thought we were going to have this good. I'll tell you what, but she doesn't like me. I mean, there's a big problem. Why? She's stonewalling me.

I can't figure. Forty-five minutes, and we round this van, get out of the car, and I'm thinking, this is the worst 45 minutes of my life. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. I'm going to tell her, if you treat me like this, I thought you were, you know, the right one, and now I kind of have my doubts. She gets out of the car, turns to me. She goes, Chip, wasn't this a great time? Thank you.

You know, I'm biting my lip. Wasn't this a great time? And she goes, you know, it's just so good. Nature so refreshes my soul. Thanks for just being understanding and giving me some room on this trip. She goes, did you notice the cows, and look at those trees and the wildflowers as we came.

She goes, this was such a neat time together. You know, I'm thinking, are you kidding me? I mean, my blood pressure's up to way up to here. I'm just waiting for one little move so I can pound her for being so insensitive. And then the little light went on, and I realized, you know what? We're really different, okay?

Now, we don't have 45-minute drives anymore, but I have learned when to give her room, and she's learned to initiate conversation. Now, as you laugh, you know why you're laughing? Because it's you too, isn't it? And so you got sin, you got gender issues, personality issues, you got background issues, the number of children. You know, one person came from a family of six or seven, and the other was an only child.

I got news. You think differently about family. One comes from a family that, you know, mom got up and cooked breakfast every morning. The other is, you know, get cereal on your own, or we don't even eat breakfast.

What is that? Those aren't wrong or writers, but they cause conflict. You also have traumatic events, deaths, divorce, abuse. I mean, there are indelible imprints in people's psyches and souls of big, difficult pains they've been through, and as they start to unzip their heart and you grow toward intimacy, ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit that. Well, what happened? Well, that's where I got rejected before, my ex-husband.

I've never told anyone. My older stepbrother abused me when I was 14. And then lights go off and you treat this person like this, and you gotta understand, as a part of the fall, you are married to someone that's damaged goods. And you are probably more damaged than you think. And it will take incredible grace and sensitivity and understanding of their history and their baggage.

You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll get back to our series, Experiencing God's Dream for Your Marriage in just a minute. But first, if this teaching has ministered to you, consider becoming a monthly partner. Your regular financial support goes a long way to help us encourage pastors, create resources, and share Jesus with today's youth.

Visit LivingOnTheEdge.org today to learn how to support us. Well, with that, here again is Chip. Our first two years, a lot of it was like this until I sat down with a counselor and I listened to my wife's childhood and I listened to where she'd been and how she thought.

And you know what? My anger turned to compassion. I realized why she was so sensitive. I realized why she prayed for hours on end like no one I've ever met. I realized why every time we would ever meet someone that was down and out or been abused or been hurt or every church I've ever been in, man, if you are totally dysfunctional, my wife's gonna end up your best friend. I mean, she's the mercy woman who just cares for these people that no one likes.

If you go to a party and someone looks lonely and out of it, she's gonna find that person. Why? It's a part God redeems our hurts and our past and often gives us a heart to love those who are in the same situation where we've been, you know? But if all the barriers are up and if it's fix me and come through for me, if you don't know how to communicate, if you can't get these things on the table without shooting one another, then you come to these silly conclusions like they're not the right person for me and we're at this barrier and it's an impasse and psychological differences and we're never gonna fulfill one another.

That's a bunch of baloney. You just don't understand. You got a big sin problem. You got different personalities.

One of you is a man and one of you is a woman and you got different backgrounds that's gonna take a tender, gracious God and an amazing commitment on your part to take little steps of faith and grace to let him forgive and nurture and restore and love and bring together and it's gonna be a bunch of hard work. I mean a bunch of hard work and it's worth it. And it's worth it. And so you have false beliefs and games that you've learned to play to protect yourself, right?

We all do. Well, guess what? Your wife came from a different family or your husband so they have different games. So you're playing this game, she's playing that game, right? And then we have rejection and past relationships. The answer here is knowledge.

Knowledge. You've got to get inside of what's been going on and get a picture of the background of the person that you love so that the knowledge can bring understanding and the understanding can develop appreciation and the appreciation can cause you to be. Do you realize the person that's gonna bring the most healing in your mate? It's not some counselor somewhere.

You know the person with a face and with hands that touch and with arms that hold and feet that go places and do things. You know the person that's going to be the agent of grace to bring the deepest, most significant sanctifying healing in your mate is you. But it requires you to see yourself, God, I'm desperate in need for you to remove this barrier. I'm desperate for your power to just get off of me long enough and my insecurities and how rejected I feel and how unsatisfied I am and how unfulfilled in this season to say, what does he need? And that means, you know, I get up every morning and I'm sure like you all I miss a morning here and there but I have to meet with God. I'm not trying to be disciplined.

I'm not trying to read my Bible to keep the devil away or pray so long so I can check something off. I need God. I need grace. I need him to fill me up and say, I've covered your shame, Chip. I love you.

I've forgiven you. I've put the Spirit of God that will manifest the presence and the power of Christ. I have given you promises that no matter what it is, you can trust.

I'll put people around your life because I want you filled up so you can give and be an agent of grace to help Teresa be the woman that reflects my glory. And so that's what I got to do and that's what she has to do and that's why it's so important that it's not about techniques. It's not about, you know, figuring out, let's see if we go three weekends away and we do this book and fill out these blanks. We're going to talk about communication and good techniques, but I want you to know it starts with seeing the model and the blueprint and then it's understanding the barriers and then it's signing up to be an agent of grace, getting it first and then giving it.

The final page, you'll notice a quick summary. It says, the result is we knowingly and unknowingly put up protective walls that keep us from being deeply touched and loved in ways we're desperate to experience. Isn't that what we do? That's what these barriers do, isn't it? And you might underline the word unknowingly.

That's where it gets tricky. I mean, I know when I'm putting up the walls, don't you? But there's times I put up walls, I don't know I'm doing it.

We knowingly and unknowingly put up walls. And then Larry Crabb has written a couple excellent books and the summary of a couple excellent books about how men and women respond are in these next lines. Women focus on, write the word relationships and struggle with loneliness and the fear of abandonment. You know, just getting that, that's going to, for all your life, ladies. A woman's wrong strategy centers around controlling. You want to control your husband, your world, you want everything to be in place, you want to control so you don't get abandoned. A man focuses on impact and struggle with futility and the fear of failure.

Shows up everywhere, impact. A man's wrong strategy centers around compensating, compensating. And you say, what do I mean by that? You know what, you can be the tiger on the softball field, the football field, you can make X dollars, you can come into the office, you can be a construction worker and make something out here.

Hurry with the guys and get a couple beers, and man, aren't we tough, and put my jersey on that says whatever teen has vicariously lived my life through other athletes. And we can, as men, compensate with hobbies and work because out there what happens, you get the strokes. And yet sit around a table and realize, I know I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader, I don't know how to pray out loud, and I don't want to open this big book because my wife knows ten times more than me, and I don't want to say something like, hey, how did school go, because my kids roll their eyes. And so because I feel inadequate and incompetent, I go compensate.

And I tell them it's because I want more money for the family and I'm building the house, and no, no, it's because I'm scared to death and I'm insecure and I've got these barriers and I don't know where to go and I don't know how to get help, but at least out there, I'm a somebody. God's solution is honest, grace-filled understanding, communication, to lovingly pull down the walls, risk vulnerability, and restore intimacy. And I would just say, because you never know kind of who you're talking to, I would just say this. The greatest application of all this, of getting grace-filled understanding of communication and to pull those walls, is first and foremost, if there's by any chance someone that you're listening to me and the part of you that is going, wow, this guy is describing my life. And then if the next thought is, I don't know this God he's talking about, I don't have a personal relationship with Christ. I don't have the power he's talking about. I get the barrier part.

How do you break through the barrier? I want you to know that Jesus died on the cross to pay for your sin. He fully God, fully man. He left heaven and all the glory of heaven to live a perfect life, to reveal what God the Father is like, full of grace and truth, and he lived this perfect life and he modeled it. And then he was sinless and he died. That blood that we talked about was shed. And it was shed to atone or cover your sin and forgive you. And then he rose from the dead the third day and he's seated at the right hand of God and his invitation to every human being on the face of the earth is this.

Whoever would believe on me, whoever would trust, I so love the world that if you believe on me, you can have a gift of eternal life. And God wants you to know that's the starting point. And for many, maybe you know, I have, I've prayed, I've honestly repented and I've asked him to come into my life and forgive me of my sins. But you realize that your priorities and your relationship with God are really out of kilter. God may have brought you here first and foremost for you to realize, you know, I gotta get right with God because I got news for you. You will never get right with your mate until there's a vitality and a power in your relationship with Christ. And if you've never received Christ, you know, just sitting right where you're at, you can just say, you know, we don't need to have a prayer or you can just say, oh God, God, as I listen to this, I want this to work and I desperately need you. I believe you died for me.

Would you forgive me? I have a pet come in my life right now. And he'll meet you.

He'll just meet you right where you're at. As we come to the close of today's program, I wanna speak very directly to you. If you're listening to my voice and you're thinking, you know, I'm not sure exactly how I found myself listening to this, but what I realize is that what you're talking about so resonates in my heart, but I don't have a clue. I don't have God in my life. I wanna tell you that he has you listening to my voice as just a conduit to say I love you and more than saving your marriage, he wants to save your life. He wants to save your soul.

The transformation has to occur in you first so you have the power and the grace to love your mate in a way they don't deserve. So right now, if you have never put your faith in Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, if you want a fresh start, cry out to God. Call upon the name of the Lord.

The scripture says for everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord, they will be saved. Admit right now, Lord Jesus, I've sinned. I've blown it. I'm sorry. And then repent. Have a change of mind where you say, Lord, I don't wanna keep living this way.

I am sorry. And then reach out the empty hands of faith right now and say I accept the work of Jesus on the cross to pay or cover all my sins. Come into my life. I trust in you alone, your death and your resurrection for my forgiveness. Now, Lord Jesus, I wanna follow you.

Help me know what it looks like to do that. It will not be easy, but it can be great. Don't give up. Don't give in.

Run to the Lord Jesus with all your heart. He wants to help you. Amen.

Amen, Chip. And if you just prayed to receive Christ, we have a free resource we'd like to put in your hands that was uniquely created for new believers. This tool will help you understand what it means to trust in Jesus and what to do next. Request this free resource by calling us at 888-333-6003 or by visiting livingontheedge.org then clicking the New Believers button.

That's livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003. Let us help you get started in your faith journey. Well, Chip's still with me in studio, and Chip, I can see you have one last thing you'd like to share with our listeners. We have a few minutes left, so why don't you go ahead and do that? Dave, I appreciate that.

I just want to stop and pause with a very select group of people. You're people that pray for Living on the Edge. I know because you write and tell me, and you're people who give financially to Living on the Edge. And as I have communicated the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is the power of God to salvation, and we know that when we share the gospel like this on a broadcast, literally hundreds and hundreds of people come to Christ. And so you're a part of that, and we have reaped, not because we're special, but because the gospel is the power of God to salvation. But I want to just celebrate that reward and thank every one of you who pray and thank every single person who gives to this ministry. People's lives will be different forever and ever and ever because of you.

Thanks so much. Well, as Chip said, if you're already a financial supporter, we appreciate you. With your help, Living on the Edge is ministering to more people than ever. But if you're benefiting from this ministry in some way and haven't yet taken that step, now would be a great time to join us. To send a gift or to become a monthly partner, visit LivingOnTheEdge.org or the Chip Ingram app.

And thank you in advance for doing whatever the Lord leads you to do. Hey, before we go, let me remind you of an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa Echo and Echo Dot. Just say, Alexa, open Living on the Edge, and you'll be able to enjoy that day's full-length teaching. Try it today. Well, from all of us here, I'm Dave Druey, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge. 🎵