Did you know that every relationship has to deal with barriers of some kind?
It doesn't matter how long you've known the other person, we all have to learn to handle what I call relational roadblocks. Today, I want to identify some critical barriers that trip up every relationship and then I'll show you how to break through them. Stay with me. Thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the daily Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druey and in just a minute Chip continues his series Real Love in Real Life by sharing some specific steps to demolish the relational roadblocks preventing you from experiencing authentic love. But before we begin, if you've been encouraged by this series, would you take a minute after this message and share it with a friend?
You can do that through the Chip Ingram app or by sending them the free MP3s at livingontheedge.org. Here now is part two of Chip's message for barriers of love from Genesis chapter three. The second barrier is psychological barrier and as you listen to that, these are our personality differences but as you listen to this, I just want you to remember this spiritual barrier so colors everything that, boy, I'll tell you, it makes all these others, it just taints them. Psychological barrier is our personality differences. I mean, men, women, they're different but just people are different, aren't they?
I mean, example, there's introverts and extroverts. I mean, some people go to a party and want to meet everybody and someone goes to a party, finds a corner with one or two other people and they spend four hours there and they come home, oh, that was an awesome party. And if you're an extrovert, you're going, how could that be an awesome party, you sat in the corner with two other people, what a bummer. You know, you're high-fiving everybody, hey Jim, Bobby, hey, good to see you, good to, you know, right? Now, that's not a good or a bad. You know, an extrovert needs to get around people to get refreshed, oh man, I need to get with my friends.
An introvert goes, give me two days alone, turn off the voicemail, turn off the email, unplug the phone, I just need to be, and then the energy comes back. But you know what? Some weird thing, we kind of marry the opposites, don't we? And it causes conflict. Or the difference between assertive and easygoing. I mean, some people are loving and kind, but they're just assertive, right? There's a little edge, hey, let's get this done, and other people are, you know, kind of, kind of laid back, right, you know? And she's going, hey, let's do this, she's assertive, and he's going, well, maybe we'll cut that yard tomorrow, you know? You know?
Let's enjoy one another, baby, you know? And so you have conflict, is there, there's not a wrong person, is there? But it's different. Or the difference between factual and abstract. I mean, some people are just, you know, by the book, factual, factual, factual, factual, you know, Chip, excuse me, it says 55 miles an hour, I know that means like 55 to 60, 62, because, honey, I believe the laws of the land are very clearly written, it's 50, got you, hon, you know? I want real factual people flying the planes that I am on.
Hey, you know, this airport's close enough, or, you know, when you get your teeth drilled, eh, is it this one, that one, eh, it's close enough, right? I mean, it's not bad or wrong, you want factual people doing things that are meticulous, but people that are going to dream dreams and paint paintings, you know, I don't want like, okay, let's do a masterpiece of art, okay, the number one goes here, blue, number two goes here, right? You want people that are abstract and dreamy and conceptual. God made us different, but when you got the barrier of sin and then you throw these kind of differences, I mean, some people are very systematic, I married one, some are very spontaneous, she married one, you know, I just, oh, let's do that, she says, is that on the schedule or not, you know? And about after 30 years, I'm learning to be a lot more systematic and she's grown to be much more spontaneous.
There's all kind of tests, whether it's Myers-Briggs, MMPI, disk tests, you can discover what these are, but the answer is understanding. The answer is understanding. It's getting, oh, we're different, let's understand it, the differences aren't bad, but you need to figure out that you really are different.
And you know what, it takes time. As many of you know, Teresa and I came from alcoholic families, and so if you know about systems, that creates not really good systems, and so my first couple years of marriage, oh boy, that was wild, and so I had a fellow named Paul Meyer, who was a, he was actually teaching at the seminary, the Meyer Minnerith Clinics, and at the same time was getting some more Bible education himself, and so he was giving this lecture, and as he gave this lecture, he was describing our marriage, and we were having all this conflict, we just flat out could not communicate. And he described it, so I went up after class, I said, where did you learn all those secrets?
And he looked at me and said, Chip, this is just normal stuff. But I had made all the differences of who we are a wrong and a right. Instead of understanding all, I guess I need to live in a world understanding she needs time alone, and she needs to learn I need some time with people that's gonna be way over the top for her.
I guess, you know, she needs to understand that, you know, if we're not real conceptual and lay out where we wanna be 10, 15 years, we'll never get there, because life is more than just doing the task and the list, you know, the next 72 hours. But did you ever think maybe that's why God put you together? Did you ever think it was to compliment and to help one another? There's multiple areas that are different because of your personalities, magnified by the spiritual barriers, and then third, we've got gender barriers. Despite many of the movements of the past 20 or 30 years, physiologically, emotionally, spiritually, men and women are different. I love the quote by a famous theologian who said, our sexuality penetrates to the deepest metaphysical grounds of our personality. As a result, the physical differences between the man and the woman are a parable of the psychic and spiritual differences of a more ultimate nature. His point saying, you know, when you look at the physiology of a man and a woman, it's like a parable, and that God, we are very different at all levels. We don't process information the same. Now, I'm going to give you some differences out of a book called Understanding Each Other by Paul Tournier.
It's an older book. He was a Swiss psychologist who's a believer. And don't go away to someone and say, men are always like this and women are always like this and this Chip Ingram guy said this. I didn't say that. I'm going to give you tendencies. There are multiple exceptions of women who are more like this and men are like that.
So, but there are certain tendencies that are verifiable. Males tend to be more achievement focused. Women tend to be more relationally focused. Men tend to be, tend to be more theoretical and generalist.
Women tend to be more specific and detail oriented. I have a grandchild. Someone asked me, so tell me about your brand new grandchild. It's healthy, doing great, name's Nola. We got it.
We're done. Someone calls Teresa. What's your grandchild?
21 inches, 7.97, 3.1 ounces, was born at 1.48. I'm just thinking, we got a healthy baby. It's great. She's fine. You know, right? Don't sweat the details. Well that's the important stuff to her.
That's not wrong or right, but we're different. More information oriented in communication, men tend to be. Women tend to be more emotionally oriented.
It's not an either or. And by the way, in the marketplace, I think one of the reasons we're seeing women as great team builders is they don't just look at the facts. They have that sixth sense about what's happening in the lives and the hearts of people. Men tend to be more action oriented. Women tend to be more verbal oriented. In fact, research that I read was a woman speaks on average about a third to 50 percent more than the average man. And some of you men would say that's true in my home, and for others it wouldn't be.
But that's not bad or good. It's how we're wired. Men tend to be more facts oriented. Women tend to be more intuitively oriented. Men tend to be more goal oriented. And women tend to be more supportive and nurturing oriented. It's interesting if you have kids as they grow up. Ask yourself, who do they go to for certain situations?
Now, I think we both have something to give. And there's a lot of women and a lot of men that have a lot of crossover. But these are some general tendencies. Here's the point though. The point is, you're a man, your wife's a woman. Okay? Think very clearly on this.
How he thinks, how he behaves, how he processes information. If there wasn't a fall, if there was no sin, you would have some struggles, at least big misunderstandings. But when you take sin, then you take personality differences, then you take the differences between men and women. You know what? It's amazing anybody stays married.
Right? But what are we believing? We're believing we love one another. We should have ooey gooey feelings and never have any struggles.
If you've got to work through gender issues, personality issues, and sin issues, you're going to have big struggles and big struggles are normal. Fourth, the answer here is appreciation. I am glad my wife is not like me. Right?
And you are glad your husband is not like you. In many, many, many ways. But it's appreciating that instead of making them again areas of conflict.
The final barrier is historical barriers. Our baggage from the past. Some have more than others. Family upbringing. You know, you come from different families that have different values, a different geography. Someone was in the country, someone in the city, someone in the suburbs. Communication styles. In my home, everyone talked at the same time and no one listened.
At her home, no one talked. I can still remember we were early dating and I just thought I'm going to be in love with this gal and we had this 45 minute drive and I thought, wow, this is going to be great. And to me, my love language is meaningful conversation and so we're going to have this great talk and we're driving through the country. And I noticed she was quiet now and then and she has now, by God's grace, changed a lot to not make me crazy.
But this was, you know, probably almost 30 years ago. So we're driving in the car and I just thought to myself, I tend to start the conversations. I'm going to let her start this time. So I'm driving and, you know, this is how men are. This is so crazy.
In five minutes, no one said anything. And she looks at me and smiles, looks out, you know, and there's cows on the hills that I didn't notice and a blue sky and trees. And what's the deal here? She must be mad at me.
Insecurity, right? Okay, so now it's 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 35 minutes, 35 minutes. I'll tell you what, the moment she opens her mouth.
Man, I thought we're going to have this good. I'll tell you what, she doesn't like me. I mean, there's a big problem. Why? She's stonewalling me.
I can't figure. 45 minutes and we round this bend, get out of the car and I'm thinking this is the worst 45 minutes of my life. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. I'm going to tell her, if you treat me like this, I thought you were, you know, the right one.
And now I kind of have my doubts. She gets out of the car, turns to me, she goes, Chip, wasn't this a great time? Thank you.
I'm biting my lip. Wasn't this a great time? And she goes, you know, it's just so good.
Nature so refreshes my soul. Thanks for just being understanding and giving me some room on this trip. She goes, did you notice the cows and look at those trees and the wildflowers as we came?
She goes, this was such a neat time together. You know, I'm thinking, are you kidding me? I mean, I have my blood pressures up to way up to here. I'm just waiting for one little move so I can pound her for being so insensitive. And then the little light went on and I realized, you know what? We're really different. Okay.
Now we don't have 45 minute drives anymore, but I have learned when to give her room and she's learned to initiate conversation. Now, as you laugh, you know why you're laughing? Because it's you too, isn't it? And so you got sin, you got gender issues, personality issues, you got background issues. The number of children, you know, one person came from a family of six or seven and the other was an only child.
I got news. You think differently about family. One comes from a family that, you know, mom got up and cooked breakfast every morning. The other is, you know, get cereal on your own or we don't even eat breakfast.
What is that? Those aren't wrong or writers, but they cause conflict. You also have traumatic events, deaths, divorce, abuse. I mean, there are indelible imprints in people's psyches and souls of big, difficult pains they've been through and as they start to unzip their heart and you grow toward intimacy, you, oh, I didn't mean, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit that. Well, what happened? Well, that's where I got rejected before, my ex-husband.
I've never told anyone. My older step-brother abused me when I was 14. And then lights go off and you treat this person like this and you got to understand, as a part of the fall, you are married to someone that's damaged their goods.
And you are probably more damaged than you think. And it will take incredible grace and sensitivity and understanding of their history and their baggage. Our first two years, a lot of it was like this until I sat down with a counselor and I listened to my wife's childhood and I listened to where she'd been and how she thought.
And you know what? My anger turned to compassion. I realized why she was so sensitive. I realized why she prayed for hours on end like no one I've ever met. I realized why every time we would ever meet someone that was down and out or been abused or been hurt or, you know, every church I've ever been in, man, if you are, like, totally dysfunctional, my wife's going to end up your best friend. I mean, she's the mercy woman who just cares for these people that no one likes.
If you go to a party and someone looks lonely and out of it, she's going to find that person. Why? It's a part God redeems our hurts and our past and often gives us a heart to love those who are in the same situation where we've been, you know? But if all the barriers are up and if it's, you know, fix me and come through for me, if you don't know how to communicate, if you can't get these things on the table without like shooting one another, then you come to these silly conclusions like they're not the right person for me and we're at this barrier and it's an impasse and psychological differences and, you know, we're never going to fulfill one another.
That's a bunch of baloney. You just don't understand. You got a big sin problem. You got different personalities.
One of you is a man and one of you is a woman and you got different backgrounds that's going to take a tender, gracious God and an amazing commitment on your part to take little steps of faith and grace to let him forgive and nurture and restore and love and bring together and it's going to be a bunch of hard work. I mean a bunch of hard work and it's worth it. And it's worth it. And so you have false beliefs and games that you've learned to play to protect yourself, right?
We all do. Well guess what? Your wife came from a different family or your husband so they have different games. So you're playing this game, she's playing that game, right? And then we have rejection and past relationships. The answer here is knowledge.
Knowledge. You've got to get inside of what's been going on and get a picture of the background of the person that you love so that the knowledge can bring understanding and the understanding can develop appreciation and the appreciation can cause you to be. Do you realize the person that's going to bring the most healing in your mate? It's not some counselor somewhere.
You know the person with a face and with hands that touch and with arms that hold and feet that go places and do things. You know the person that's going to be the agent of grace to bring the deepest, most significant, sanctifying healing in your mate is you. But it requires you to see yourself, God I'm desperate in need for you to remove this barrier. I'm desperate for your power to just get off of me long enough and my insecurities and how rejected I feel and how unsatisfied I am and how unfulfilled in this season to say what does he need? And that means I get up every morning and I'm sure like you all I miss a morning here and there but I have to meet with God. I'm not trying to be disciplined.
I'm not trying to read my Bible to keep the devil away or pray so long so I can check something off. I need God. I need grace. I need him to fill me up and say I've covered your shame Chip. I love you.
I've forgiven you. I've put the Spirit of God that will manifest the presence and the power of Christ. I have given you promises that no matter what it is you can trust. I'll put people around your life because I want you filled up so you can give and be an agent of grace to help Teresa be the woman that reflects my glory. And so that's what I got to do and that's what she has to do and that's why it's so important that it's not about techniques.
It's not about you know figuring out let's see if we go three weekends away and we do this book and fill out these blanks. We're going to talk about communication and good techniques but I want you to know it starts with seeing the model in the blueprint and then it's understanding the barriers and then it's signing up to be an agent of grace. Getting it first and then giving it.
The final page you'll notice a quick summary it says the result is we knowingly and unknowingly put up protective walls that keep us from being deeply touched and loved in ways we're desperate to experience. Isn't that what we do? That's what these barriers do isn't it? And you might underline the word unknowingly.
That's where it gets tricky. I mean I know when I'm putting up the walls don't you? But there's times I put up walls I don't know I'm doing it.
We knowingly and unknowingly put up walls. And then Larry Crabb has written a couple excellent books and the summary of a couple excellent books about how men and women respond are in these next lines. Women focus on write the word relationships and struggle with loneliness and the fear of abandonment. You know just getting that that's going to for all your life ladies. A woman's wrong strategy centers around controlling. You want to control your husband your world you want everything to be in place you want to control so you don't get abandoned. A man focuses on impact and struggle with futility and the fear of failure.
Shows up everywhere. Impact. A man's wrong strategy centers around compensating compensating. And you say what do I mean by that?
You know what you can you can be the tiger on the on the softball field the football field you can make X dollars you can come into the office you can be a construction worker and make something out here with the guys and get a couple beers man aren't we tough and ho ho and you know put my jersey on that says whatever teen as I vicariously live my life through other athletes. And we can we can as men compensate with hobbies and work because out there what happens you get the strokes. And yet sit around a table and realize that I'm supposed to be the spiritual leader I don't know how to pray out loud and I don't want to open this big book because my wife knows 10 times more than me and I don't want to say something like hey how did how school go because my kids roll their eyes and so because I feel inadequate and incompetent I go compensate and I tell them it's because I want more money to for the family and I'm building the house and no no it's because I'm scared to death and I'm insecure and I've got these barriers and I don't know where to go and I don't know how to get help but I at least out there I'm a somebody. God's solution is honest grace filled understanding communication to lovingly pull down the walls risk vulnerability and restore intimacy. And I would just say because you never know kind of who you're talking to I would just say this the greatest application of all this of getting grace filled understanding of communication and to pull those walls is first and foremost if there's by any chance someone that you're listening to me and the part of you that is going wow this guy is describing my life and then if the next thought is I don't know this God he's talking about I don't have a personal relationship with Christ I don't have the power he's talking about I get the barrier part how do you break through the barrier I want you to know that Jesus died on the cross to pay for your sin. He fully God fully man he left heaven and all the glory of heaven to live a perfect life to reveal what God the Father is like full of grace and truth and he lived this perfect life and he modeled it and then he was sinless and he died that blood that we talked about was shed and it was shed to atone or cover your sin and forgive you and then he rose from the dead the third day and he's seated at the right hand of God and his invitation to every human being on the face of the earth is this whoever would believe on me whoever would trust I so love the world that if you believe on me you can have a gift of eternal life and God wants you to know that's the starting point and for many maybe you know I have I've prayed I've honestly repented and I've asked him to come into my life and forgive me of my sins but you realize that your priorities in your relationship with God are really out of kilter God may have brought you here first and foremost for you to realize you know I got to get right with God because I got news for you you will never get right with your mate until there's a vitality and a power in your relationship with Christ and if you've never received Christ you know just sitting right where you're at you can just say you know we don't need to have a prayer or you can just say oh God God as I listen to this I want this to work and I desperately need you I believe you died for me would you forgive me I have a pet come in my life right now and he'll meet you he'll just meet you right where you're at Before we move on today I want to pause we talked about some very profound and heavy stuff and if you're a believer if you're a follower of Christ and as you listen to what the Word of God said through me today and your honest conviction is you know my relationships are not going the way I know they ought or should then I want to ask you to take a step and you have to get right with God before things go right with relationships in fact God is so kind that often what he does is frustrate our relationships to get our attention and so if you have never I don't mean believed in Jesus if you've never surrendered your life to him you know there's a song that talks about grace shows up when we're at the end of our rope some of you today as you hear my voice you're at the end of your rope it looks like the end of your marriage or it looks like you and your child are never going to be connected again he wants to help you but you have to surrender all that you are and all that you have and say Lord I want to do life your way regardless of the cost regardless the implications today I surrender I call it a Romans 12 one moment it's where you say to God I offer you my body as a living sacrifice Lord today I'm committing to follow you to be into your word I know I need to be involved in the community of God's people and I know what's right to do honestly I've just been doing it my way and so right now in your heart of hearts wherever you are would you pray and surrender your life to him and I will tell you that there's no magic bullet things will probably get harder before they get better but God is going to do a work in you and through you and this step I've watched this happen thousands and thousands of time with people who they know they understand they prayed to receive Christ they understand about church but you are not all in you're not a hundred percent you don't walk with him he's not the center of your life and this is God's will for you and as you take this step I'm telling you God is going to show up and then you have to obey what he shows you Lord I'm going to pray right now for my brothers and sisters I have lived in that place where I knew what was right I knew what I ought to be doing I knew which relationships were unhealthy and unwise and yet I continued in them and I was miserable Lord I pray for every single person listen to my voice that knows what they need to do but is not living that way that right now by your power and your grace they will surrender to you and take a baby step towards you Lord I pray that when as soon as we get done praying that they would text a friend that they know that loves you or go see their pastor or take a very vital next step to confirm the decision they're making right now Lord you so love your children will you help them now to walk in obedience to you that you might bless every area of their life in Jesus name amen.
Thanks Chip. Well if you're looking to be more intentional and develop a deeper relationship with Jesus we have a great resource to help you. It's Chip series True Spirituality Becoming a Romans 12 Christian. Through this teaching you'll discover God's plans for your life, why you matter, the need for genuine community and how to respond to evil and injustice. So if you want a clear blueprint to become a genuine follower of Christ true spirituality is a great place to start and besides Chip's teaching let me encourage you to order the book or get the small group resources.
There's a lot of ways to experience the foundational truths found in Romans 12. To learn more about all the series resources for true spirituality go to special offers at livingontheedge.org or on the Chip Ingram app. As we wrap up today's program I have to tell you that one of the greatest things that happens through Living on the Edge is people make Jesus the Lord of their life and I've read literally thousands of emails and the change that happens is just absolutely amazing and it's a chain reaction and so I just want to thank all of you that support the ministry financially because when someone makes Jesus Lord their marriage changes their parenting changes who shows up at work changes. Thank you very very much for your financial support and you know if you have not supported us or haven't supported us in a while or we just kind of like to make it a habit maybe do it monthly today would be a great day to say you know something Christians need to live like Christians and I'd like to help Living on the Edge thanks so much for whatever God leads you to do. If you're already a financial partner thank you with your help Living on the Edge is ministering to more people than ever before and if you're benefiting from chips teaching but haven't yet taken that step now would be a great time to join the team to send a gift or to become a monthly partner go to Living on the Edge dot org tap donate on the app or give us a call at triple eight three three three six zero zero three that's triple eight three three three six zero zero three your generosity is greatly appreciated. As we close you know a great way to stay engaged and connected to chip and Living on the Edge is with the chip engram app you'll get free access to all of chips recent messages his message notes and much more and not only that but it couldn't be easier to call or email directly from the app we'll join us again next time when chip continues his series real love in real life until then this is Dave Drewey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
